by asking questions (which listeners think are directed at them). Beware: this ‘gateway mutter’ can lead to more debilitating forms of muttering (see next example) and even infect listeners by functionally melting their brains—as I fear it’s doing to mine. Example: Edna (muttering as she walks past me): I don’t know…I could swear I left my keys right around here. Me (too stupid to ignore her): Your left is what? Edna: Did you say something? Me: No, YOU did. Edna (muttering): You’re weird. Me: I guess I am…(muttering) I married you. Edna: What? Me (exasperated): You were muttering again! Edna (finally loud and clear): I was not! The Passive-Aggressive mutter: This one is more nefarious, and only works on partners who have so long been subjected to muttering that they have stopped actually listening to what their partner is saying—and thus fall into their wily traps. Example: Edna (muttering as she fishes a stinky sponge out of the kitchen sink, mimicking perfectly the pedantic drone of my voice): It’s so easy to put your keys away. I don’t know why you can’t do it. Me (flippant): Couldn’t hear you—come again? Edna: Oh, I’m sorry, was I muttering? I was just remarking on how you never manage to RINSE THE SPONGE OUT!
City of Lakes Waldorf MNP 1013 H4.indd 1
9/18/13 8:29 AM
In the Heart of the Beast Puppet and Mask Theatre
Maybe I’ll have to start a group, a sort-of Mutterers Anonymous, before my brain melts any further. Organize a Meet-up online…I just have to figure out where I put that…that thing…the…what do you call it? The…(incomprehensible)… mumble, mutter.
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Sean Toren loves living the full catastrophe in Minneapolis with his wife and son. He can be contacted at editor@mnparent.com. In the Heart of the Beast MNP 2011 H4 filler.indd 1
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