mindful FAQ

QI’ve been going through a hard time after my divorce, and I thought that meditation would help. But when I try, the quiet and stillness just makes me feel so alone and sad that I have to stop. What am I doing wrong?

AYou’re not doing anything wrong. When we turn inward as we do when meditating, it is not uncommon for many states to arise, both challenging and joyful. This is in part dependent upon what is going on for us in any given moment. When we experience any loss, such as divorce, we grieve. Grief has its own trajectory and often comes in waves. It also comes with attendant emotions, such as sadness and loneliness. Meditation can help us turn toward this and can assist us in moving through it as we experience these normal but difficult emotions. We can build self-efficacy and learn to safely endure distress while at the same time treating ourselves kindly and compassionately. It is also important to note that it can be helpful to turn slowly and in small ways toward our challenges. For example,

Patricia Rockman, MD, is the Senior Director of Education and Clinical Services at the Centre for Mindfulness Studies, Toronto, and an associate professor at the University of Toronto.

you might begin by meditating for just five minutes and gradually build up to longer practices. Also, remember when we decrease external stimulation (as we do with meditation), this can make clearer what is present for us in any given moment and it’s not always pleasant. However, sometimes meditating is not the right thing to do. Sometimes the more skillful act of self-care is to get support from others, socialize, do something nice for yourself, and intentionally move away from these emotions when they get to be too much. And then, move toward them a little bit, getting acquainted with them, perhaps even hosting them for a little while, like a guest, before turning on Netflix.

If you want to use meditation to get to know your experience, do it bit by bit, first sticking a toe in for a few minutes and, if you are able, get curious and hold gently what comes up. But don’t add thoughts of “What am I doing wrong?” when sadness comes up. Sadness is part of being human, and our tendency to berate ourselves for it only makes things worse.

Craze Or Crazy

Here at Mindful, we believe practicing mindfulness can be as simple and unadorned as bringing attention to the breath, and returning to the breath when attention wanders. You don’t need much more than the intention to practice—and maybe a good teacher.

That said, there is an evergrowing range of offerings on the market that incorporate mindfulness in some way, from apps, to focus-objects, to experiences. Will they make you any more mindful, at the end of the day?

Send your thoughts to yourwords@mindful.org.

Nailed it?

To allow you to relax more deeply during your visit, some salons offer guided meditations you can zone out to, complete with earbuds, while getting your mani-pedi done.