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tional spending compared to the 19961997 budget. That decrease was the T TIIEIR SEPTEMBER 22,1998 result of the Students Party's pledge to cut operations spending by $2,000 meeting, the Michigan Student Assembly (MSA) approved its through budget cuts and waste reduction. This year's operations spending 1998-1999 budget in less than an hour. increase not only offsets last year's cut, The MSA's total external budget for the it also represents anet increase of $3,000. 1998-1999 fiscal year is $550,000. This total was derived from three major Thompson explains the operations spending increase saying, liThe adsources of revenue: 1) $540,000 generministration m9I\dates that MSA has a ated by the annual student fee ($5.69 per student per semester) and the SUl'full-time Administrative Coordinator. Early last year, oUr old coordinator left plus revenue from the.1997-1998 fiscal year; 2) $3,000 worth QfinteresUn-for'another job, and we spent much of come; 3) $7,OOOgenetated br depart- ,·t heyear recruitirJ,g anew one; We hired ()11e.Jate last year:'·n\e Jcoor<;linator is ment activity ..The $550;000 pool was distributed in the followit)g t:nar\tler: 1) ,.p aid salary outp! the payroll budget $73,000 to the child care. pr~gram; 2) " : iJfr\e/ 'and tht;!.c;>ffice supplies andre$33,000 to tl)e :~eneral r,~se:-ves; 3) .' ,: ~,~¢es that$~e uSes arepaid ouf.ofthe $16,600 to the .c~pital goodSteserve; 4) , operations line. The operationsJine is $110 to tli.e"Coiruriuriity service \tan ": uppartitiilarly b~a.use t.henew coorReserve; 5) $25,000 to the Ann Arbor dinator needed a computer." Tenants Union (AATIl). Aftex: the payroll and operations The AATIl's allocation represented expenses, MSA had $311, 990 left over to be distributed among 25 committees an increase of $5,000 compared to last and commissions and the Committee year. MSA President Trent Thompson commented on the necessity of this inReserves. In examining the winners and crease saying, "They becam..:- much losers of the MSA budget game it apmoreactivelastyear,andthisy~arthey pears that the Budget and Priorities are planning to hire more staff and Committee (BPC), which is responsible mOW1t a publicity drive. Also, AATIl is for funding student groups, was the working with MSA this year to create biggest winner of all with an increase of anoff-<:ampusstudenthousing~urvey." $28,000 in funding. BPC has a total of $168,000 in their coffers this year to be A $2,000 portion of the AATV's funding increase will be funneled into this allocated to various student organizations upon request. BPC Chairman major publicity drive which will inelude increased residence hall proDavid Burden accounted for this ingrams, a widespread distribution of crease: lilt was decided that all funds that went W1elairned from the CommuAATU literature, Diag boards, and banners. nity Service FW1d last year should remain in that fund, in addition to the After these expenditures, MSAwas new funds generated from the $1 comleft with a grand total of $401,990 for its munity service fee. I was opposed to internal budget. Of that total, $90,000 this, but once it became clear that the will be spent running the MSA itself. Assembly was not, I requested that all MSA's payroll received $62,000, the theunc1aimed BPC funds from last year same amount as last year's allocation. roll over as well. The extra $28,000 this The other $28,000 was budgeted for year are simply funds that were allooperations expenses. Th.is represented cated to groups last winter that were a $5, 250 increase compared to last year. never claimed." The 1997-1998 budget had actually resuIted in a $2,250 decrease in operaThe External Relations Committee

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• The social justice terrorists at BAMN challenge the Re'oiew to a showdown

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(ERC), which is in charge of the MSA's lobbying efforts in the Michigan State Legislature and Congress, suffered a significant decrease in funding, receiving $4,860 compared with last year's $8,500. In past years, the ERC has been a constant source of controversy and debate during MSA budget meetings. Critics have often questioned the value of the trips and conferences which the ERC funds and MSA representatives attend. Critics have argued that these excursions are of no real value to the student body and are essentially selfserving perks to MSA representatives. ERC Chairman Andy Coulouris responded to such criticisms, saying, "The ABTS conference is the only conference to which the MSA is sending delegates this year; 4l my opinion the association does an extraordinary job of fostering networks between the stu-dent governments of the Big Ten ... we understand thatourabsencewould~ot ' only hurt our cause, but would W1dermine the potential of the organization ... The association is currently furthering its efforts to coordinate federal lobbying efforts in order to more effectively impact legislation pertinent to students; collaboration also works to save the individual schools money, as the effect becomes more collective." By ending the MSA's association with the North American Students for Higher Education (NASHE), a low-cost variant of the United States Students Association that solely focuses on educational issues, the ERC was able to downsize its budget considerably. Last year's two NASHE conferences cost the ERC a combined total of $1800. NASHEmembership dues cost the ERC an additional $900. Coulouris explains thereasonsbehindtheMSA'ssplitwith NASHE: liThe decision to dissolve our ties with NASHE came last year. Th.is year that decision was simply reiter-

See MSA BUDGET on Page 5

on the Diag at high noon. See page 3.

terns and Lances" column. See page 7.

• c.J. Carnacchio challenges the legitimacy of the Student Code of Conduct and Queen Hartford's evil rule in his column "Send Lawyers, GW1s, and Money" on page 6.

• Staff writer David Guipe tells us how Clinton's love of cheese fries led to his current legal quagmire. See page 10.

• Lee Bockhorn ponders the fashion choices of his peers and questions their societal implications in his latest "Lan-

• Ben Rousch tells us why the "WitchhW1t" of rioters at the May Klan rally should continue. See page 11. • Staff writer Matt Schwartz examines

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October 7 1998

The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan

BY c.J. CARNACCHIO

• Be sure to check out Serpent s Tooth with a very special cartoon h,moring President Bollinger's commitnent to diversity. See page 2.

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Anatomy of an MSA Budget

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The Meal Plan Scam

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BY JACOB OSLICK

CTOBER NOT ONLY MARKS the beginning of fall, the start of midterms, and the WorId Series; it is also the time when new freshmen W1dergo the most W1pleasant experience of their yOW1g college career: the first time they pay a tuition bill: And if, like roughly 95% of freshmen, they live in a University Residence Hall, they also pay for room and board (slightly W1der $5SOO for the standard double). Presumably, this is a fair price that includes a place to sleep, clean bathrooms, Ethernet, a smalllibrary, and, most importan.t1y, food. From this dorm rent, the University claimstheAny13Mealplancosts$2,268 per student for two semesters. This is .~e rate the University charges off-campus students who for some reason (masochism?)choose to pay for a yearlong University meal plan. Using some rather curious math, the University also claims the other meal plan options (such as "Points Only" where students receive no meals but get $1060 worth of Entree Plus) also cost $2268. The following report details where the money goes, and questions the efficiency of the meal plan in relation to two alternatives: the Kosher Meal plan, sponsored by Hillel, and the food service provided at the Theta Xi Fraternity House. With respect to these comparisons, the evidence clearly shows the University plan t'O be a significant financial burden on students relative to value, with high costs for salaries and overhead. Perhaps one of the best gauges of how poorly the University meal plan is run is the cost per meaL According to Larry Durst, the University Housing Business Administrator, "we [the UniversityJtrytomakeourmealscompeti-

See MEALS on Page 8 the latest computer scam: the iMac. See page 13. • Arts editor Tom Jolliffe sends a letter to his surrogate mother in Spain and compares life there to life in Ann Arbor. See page 14. • Our music editor, Chris Hayes, has an interesting proposition for you on page 18.

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THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

2

October 7, 1998

TIlE lVII<'I[!(; ,\i'\ RE\' !E\\'

o SERPENT'S TOO~ij

The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan 'We've got those liberal bastards on the run now!" EPlIORIAL BOARD

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EOfTOR-IN-CHIEF: PUBLISHER: MANAGING EDITOR: CAMPUS AFFAIRS EDITOR: ARTS EDITOR: FEATURES EPlIOR:

Lee Bockhom Sang Lee C. J. Camacchio Ben Rousch Tom Jolliffe Julie Jeschke

EDITORIAL STAFF MUSIC EDITOR: SPORTS EDITOR: CONTRIBUTING EDITOR: ILLUSTRATOR:

Chris Hayes Rob Wood Matthew Buckley Astrid Phillips

STAFF WRITERS: Michael Austin, John Bach, Josh , Benninghoff, Hal Borkow, Craig Garthwaite, Andrew Golding, DavldGulpe, Doug Hillhouse, John Jernstad, Jacob Osliek, Matt Schwartz BUSINESS STAFF:

Jon Mazer Chad Silverstein

EDITORS EMERITI:

Benjamin Kepple Geoff Brown

The Michigan Review is the independent, student-run journal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the Universi1y of Michigan. We nelthersollcit nor 8(;CSpt monetary donations from the U-M. Contributions to the Michigan Review are tax-deductible under Section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code. The Review is not affiliated with any political party or university political group. ~'I Unsigiled

Lee Bollinger: a George Wallace for the 1990's And now for the benefit of our Yale and Oxford-educated president, we provide the following defintions: is - third person singular, present indicative, of be alone -without any other person liar - a person who tells lies. See Clinton, William Jefferson. Regarding the October 5, 1998 Michigan Daily editorial entitled "False Advertising: Offensive anti-abortion campaign hits Kansas," Serpent's Tooth wishes that Daily ~ditorial page editor Jack "Slightly to the left of Trotsky" Schillaci's mother h~d been a lot more pro-choice about two decades ago. Last week the Michigan State University Greek System received a $157,162 Federal grant to combat binge drinking. In light of the drunken beer riots there last spring, Serpent's Tooth hereby suggests that the money would be better spent financing KI<K programs to combat racism. Let's just hope the Greeks do not spend the money on one really bitchin' kegger. Serpent's Tooth has had a fun time . . r:e~C;!ipg_t{l~ ~a!~t ~~<~IU! of. t!t~ paily's

ever-humorous "Crime Notes." They recently referred to the death of LSA sophomore Chris Giacherio as possibly being the result of an overdose of cocaine and "heroine." (sic) Apparently all those episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess finally took their toll ... "Crime Notes" also described a recent incident of feces being left in a shower at West Quad. Upon investigation, DPS discovered that the feces in question was none other than the beloved South Park character Mr. Hanky Poo. When questioned, Mr. Hanky Poo only had this to say: "Hiiiliiiliiiiiidy-ho!" Also, "Crime Notes" reported a recent apprehension of a man found masturbating in a study carrel at the Grad library. Weknowlearnmgcanbeexciting, but this is ridiculous ... Talk about getting yourself into a sticky situation!

The U-M Women's Studies Department (or should we say, Womyn's Stoadies - no "men" or "stud" allowed) recently recognized its 25th anniversary. To celebrate, the department distributed coupons for free abortions, K.D. Lang concert tickets, and complimentarybutch haircuts at Noggins Salon on South U. One of President Lee Bollinger's pet projects is to build a new theater named after famous playwright and U-M alum Arthur Miller. In that spirit, Serpent's Tooth would like to suggest the following worthy projects to be named after other famous U-M alumni: • The Geoffrey Fieger School of Ethics building; • The Madonna Institute for Chastity Studies building; • The Gerald R. Ford School for Coordination Studies;

MSA recently allocated $2,000 to a "Superfan Task Force" to help bring students and athletes closer together. In light of the .recent sexual assualt charges against U-M football player Jason Brooks, it appears the athletes don't need any help in this regard ...

editorials represent the opinion of the editorial board. Ergo. they are unequivocabty correct and just Signed articles, letters. and cartoons represent the opinions of the author and not necessarily those of the Review. The opinions presented in this publication are not necessarily those of the advertisers or of the Universi1y of Michigan. We welcome letters. articles, and comments about the journal.

Apparently the University is trying anew tactic to annoy the stalwart staff of the Review- they're attempting to freeze us out of our office by blasting the air conditioner when it's 45 degrees and raining outside. But somehow. we overcame the frostbite and pneumonia to finish layou~ warming ourselves by burning copies of the Code of Student Conduct ...

Please address all advertiSing and subscription inquiries to: Publisher clo the Michigan Review.

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October 7, 1998

3

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o LEITERS To THE EDITOR BAMN Challenges ~yiew to High Noon Showdown The following email exchange occurred between the Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action By Any Means Necessary (BAMN) and the Review last month. -Ed.

To

THE REVIEW STAFF,

The other day a crowd of 150 passers-by listened intently to a debate over religion on the Diag. Because of this event it has occurred to us that a similar, informal debate between Review staffers and BAMN would be a useful contribution to the discussion of affirmative action on campus. We would like to cordially invite any of your pompous, privileged selves to debate at 12 noon on the Diag on Monday (9/28). Please letus know soon if you are too scared, so that we can search for other less cowardly, more ambitious rightwing ideologues. Email barnn@umich.edu. Thank you for your careful consideration. Luke Massie for BAMN

Mr. Massie, Thank you for your invitation; however, we must respectfully decline your group's invitation to an "informal debate" on the Diag on Monday, Sept. 28, for the following reasons: First, our primary business is to publish a student newsaper, not to engage in a shouting match on the Diag - which is what any "informal debate" with your organization would inevitably become. The evidence in this regard is clear and incontrovertible, as demonstrated by the nature of the "informaldebate" you attempted to engage Mr. Connerly in during his appearance at U-M last March (to cite just one example). Heckling, interruptions, and personal insults are simply not acceptable tactics for a debate, which is defined as "a formal contest of skill in reasoned argument, with two teams taking the opposite sides of a specified question." (Webster's Collegiate Dictionary) Second, we refuse to debate your group because we do not wish to grant any more legitimacy to a group which openly professes violence as a means of achieving its political goals. (We assume you intend the "By Any Means Necessary" portion of

Subscribe to the Review. Your contribution of $25 or more will help us continue our efforts to shed the light of truth and reason on the Michigan campus. And it's tax-de" ductible too! Make your check or money order payable to "The Michigan Review" (no cash, for your protection).

Yes, I want to subscribe to the Michigan Review! Please find enclosed my tax-deductible contribution of $25 or more for a one-year subscription

u -M Prof "Gratified" by Debate Coverage

The Editors of the Michigan Review

Collier Responds To "Lanterns & Lances" ..... ..,.,... ""

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Want to know what's really going on at U ofM?

I I I

Cordially yours in "pomposity" and "privilege, "

EE BOCKHORN'SRECENT column "Heroism in an Unheroic Age" (September 16, 1998) caught my attention for a couple of reasons. First, I too consider the flag on the Diag "one of my favorite sights on campus." Only a few years ago, U-M flew a small, bedraggled, and often only partly raised flag - and on rainy days flew none at all! Sometime during the later Duderstadt years, floodlights and a proportionately huge flag were installed, and we now have a sight to behold - and proudly to hail. Second, I take your point about the academic criticism of U.S. policies and actions, but with more hope than you. If you read back into the 1930's, you will find very similar attitudes among both fac-

Do you oppose the politicization of the classroom?

I I

ulty and students then; Eric Sevareid's your group's name to be taken seriously.) If Not So Wild a Dream may be the best you wish to believe that we are "scared," because we prefer not to engage in heated book to give you a feel for the times. discussions on sensitive topics witha group " And yet within a few years, those same college students had graduated to leadthat has proven itself capable of violence towards those with whom it disagrees, you ing Ranger companies ashore on Omaha, commanding PT boats in the are free to do so. Finally, we would simply point out Solomons, and flying in those huge formations of bombers over Germany. that your invitation itself reveals that your group is incapable ofany rational, respectI really think that today's students ful debate, as you proved unable to even would, "when the dark days of battle finish the letter without resorting to perreturn," respond every bit as well. sonal insults (i.e., calling us "pompous" and "privileged"). We have better things to Tom Collier LS&A Academic Adviser do on Monday, and every other day, than to engage in this sort of3rd grade-style namecalling - namely, attending classes.

I

'VE BEEN MEANING FOR SOME time to write to thank you for your coverage of my debate with William Lane Craig last February, in Rackham, on the existence of the Christian God. ("U-M Asks: Does God Exist?" February 1L 1998) I was gratified that you gave the debate coverage which was extensive, generally accurate, and (as I thought) generally quite fair to both sides. So far as I can tell, the Daily gave the event no coverage at all (beyond a notice on the day of the debate informing 'people when and where it was to take place). Your readers might be interested in reading the transcript of the debate, which now appears on my web site, along with some background information and post-debate comments. The address is: http://www-

personal. umich.edu/-emcurley/debate.htm Yours truly, Edwin Curley Professor of Philosophy

We want to hear from you! I I

I I . I Mall your ~heck to: Name I : The Michigan Review Address I I 911 N. UniverSity, Suite One I I I Ann Arbor, MI 48109-1265 IL _________________________ JI

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mrev@umich.edu We will print your letter. We reserve the right to edit for length and clarity, of course. Please include your name and University affiliation.

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FROM SUITE ONE

The Ignorant Voter

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s ELECTION DAY RAPIDLY APPROACHES, THE ELECTORATE WILL

soon become deluged with exhortations on the importance of exercising their right to vote. Newspapers will run their usual"be sure to get out and vote" editorials. MTV will once again attempt to "Rock the Vote" by trying to get all those apolitical and apathetic Generation Xers to take off their headphones and pick up a ballot. Unfortunately the media always talks about the importance of exercising the right to vote, but they never mention the responsibilities that go along with it. The follOWing anecdote, from Russell Kirk' s The Politics of Prudence, unfortunately exemplifies the attitudes of many voters today - Smithson: "Gee, boss, I don't know nothin' about them guys Kennedy and Nixon, except what I see on TV. What'll I do? Employer: "Jack Smithson, the thing for you to do is notto vote; stay home." Smithson: "Oh, I got a right to vote; I'm gonna vote, all right.'" Employer: "You lost that right when you stopped paying attention to politics; or maybe you never started paying any attention, Jack." Smithson: "Don't give me that: I gotta right to vote. Why, if it wasn't for voters like me, them smart guys would be runnin' everything in Washington." What the fictional Smithson and many real-life Americans fail to comprehend is that all true political rights have corresponding responsibilities. American citizens certainly do have the right to vote by law, but they also have a responsibility to stay informed about political issues and candidates. An ignorant voter is as useless in guarding the fate of the Republic as a non-voter. The moment an eligible voter ceases to pay attention to the political arena, he forfeits his suffrage rights. The best thing he can 'do for the country is to stay home on election day, for a vote cast in ignorance is of no substantive value and can only serve to harm rather than help the nation. In order for a vote to become truly meaningful, it must be the result of the informed judgment of a civic-minded individual who appreciates the gravityof the task he has been given. This is a nation governed by the people. The choices made in that small booth will affect the lives of millions and the destiny of a nation. But most Americans do not view voting this way. They either see it as an inconvenience or something which can be done in haste with little or no thought at all. Ignorant voters also pose a serious threat to the democratic ideal itself, for they are easy prey to political demagogues such as Huey Long, George Wallace, Coleman Young, and Geoffrey Feiger. These are men who appeal to v:oters' emotions rather than their intellects, their ignorance rather than their knowledge, and their material needs rather than their responsibilities to their fellow citizens and community. Uninformed voters afford self-serving demagogues easy access to positions of power. Once there, these unscrupulous individuals are free to abuse their power, plunder communities, and ignore the true interests of their constituencies. The ignorant voters who give these men power are as much to blame, if not more so, for the damage they do to democracy and liberty, as the demagogues are themselves. As the Irish statesman Edmund Burke observed, "Men of intemperate mind never can be free; their passions forge their fetters." Voting is not just a right, it is a privilege - a privilege bought and paid for with the blood spilled by the American colonist at Lexington and Concord and the simple GI on the beaches of Normandy. Citizens should not vote simply because they feel they have to, or because they feel guilty if they do not vote. They should only vote when they have examined the political scene carefully and are ready to cast an informed and thoughtful ballot. To those who choose to remain politically ignorant, when election day rolls around, do the country and your fellow citizens a favor: stay home and watch Jerry Springer. MR

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o COMMENTARY Nation Fiddles While World Burns

A

LTHOUGH MOST OF AMERICA DOES NOT APPEAR TO realize it, there is a world outside of the President's pants. Within the past month, Russia defaulted on its debts, Slobodon Milosevic practically wiped out the Kosovo Liberation Army, virtually all of Central Africa plunged into a proxy war in Congo, North Korea fired two missiles over mainland Japan, and much of the world started clamoring for reckless controls on capital. Today, Russia seems da.I1gerously near to returning towards a planned economy, Asia continues to spiral downward (and is close to taking Brazil with it), the second-craziest state in the world (Iran) is nearing war with the craziest (Afghanistan), and Sad dam Hussein is making trouble again. So through all this chaos, where has the attention of the American public, media, and Congress been? Sadly, it has focused on the sordid details of the President's sexual indiscretions. The recent s.tock market plunge (400...,FOints last week), however, proves that althoughwe can ignore the world, we are affected by it. bver since lastyear's Asian Meltdown, the world has faced the most significant threat to global economic stability since the Great Depression. One by one, countries self-destructed (Malaysia, Indonesia, South Korea, Russia; Brazil or China next?); throwing millions into poverty, and eliminating billions in the paper wealth of Western investors. Already most economists predict the chaos knocked 0.5 percentage points from last quarter's GDP growth, and threatens to send the U.S. into recession next year. Although there is no panacea to the world's economic problems, the U.S. could do a great deal to keep foreign nations afloat (liberalize trade laws, support IMP programs to restore growth etc.). However, all of these measures require political capital to motivate Congress to approve funds, and pass legislation. Unfortunately, this is something our Perjurer-in-Chief grievously lacks. Similarly, the United.5ta.tes must take forceful action to defend its interests abroad. Sadly, the last time Clintbnattempteddecisive action, by bombing ;: selected target in Afghanistan and the Sudan, he bl\idge<?ned with questions ' about the similarity to Wag the Dog. More than: anything else, thiS shows why the president cannot remain in office. A president must be able to act mthe national interest without th.e presumption that he places American lives in jeopardy for ulterior motives. Instead, we have a situation where .global villains such as. Saddam Hussein continue to act with impunity (he recently threw UN weapon inspectors out of Iraq, again), precisely because they know the Clinton-led United States will never make good on its threats. Coordinated military action requires the president to not only have widespread public trust and support, but also to have tUne to plan strategy. The President currently lacks both, and it is unlikely if he will regain them soon. ' Unfortunately, the United States cannot aftox:d an absentee president. Just as seriously, we feel we cannot tolerate a Congress obsessed .with scaridal at the expense of good policy. However, congressional excesses can be excus~d; After ¥I, they have a constitutional duty to examine all the charges against the president and decide on a manner of punishment. Sadly, in our media-crazed culture, this will prevent any meaningful work from being done, as impeachment hearings may drag out for weeks or months. Therefore, it is Bill Clinton who must take responsibility for restoring America to a position of world leadership. He must, for the first time in his political career, place the country's best interests before his own personal ambitions and vanity. In short, the president must step aside, and allow the federal government to broaden its focus from one domestic affair, to the foreign affairs challenges confronting it. Anything less than resignation and the country will contiIiue to fiddle, while the world burns around it. Mt

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October 7, 1998

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

MSAB~dget Continued from page 1 ated. In contrast to the ABTS, the NASHE was poorly administered and its effects on Washington were negligible to say the least." The most dramatic decrease in funding involved the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) Students Commission. This year the commission received a total al1oc,'ltion of $50, which was a $1,950 decrease from last year. LGBT Commission Chairman Jen Trudell explained this significant shift in funds: "The previous chair of the LGBT Commission resigned before budget applications were submitted. The position was not filled until last week, when I was appointed chair. The $50 in the account is what was left over from last year's budget ... Next year I will try to get a larger budget EO you'll have something more exciting to write about." Trudell will likely request more money from the Committee Feserves for LGBT events. Receiving a healthy $2,000 allocation to organize upcoming eVEpts was the new kid on the MSA committee/ commission block, the Super-Fm Task Force. Thompson explained the Task Force's purpose: "Jeff 'Superfan' Holzhausen, last year's School of Public Health Representative, proposed a task force to work on projects bringing students and athletes closer together. He envisioned events where athletes from high and low profile sports could reach out to students, a higher profile for homecoming, and more organized support for sports which don t maintain the profile of, say, football or hockey. MSA Rep. Damian DeGoa took over the committee, and he has started scheduling such events." A hefty $3,000 increase in funding was allocated to the Women'] Issues Commission (WIC), bringing its budget up to $4,000 for thiscomillg year. Thompson defended this increZ'.se, stating, "They ran Affi!IDative Action 101 last year, a large and somewha" expensive even t, and had to draw funds from the Committee Reserves even elOugh a few MSA representatives and lots of WIC representatives were inv1}lved in

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its planning. They are planning another high profile event this year, focusing on eating disorders, and we wanted to fix the funding problems experienced last year." The Student Regent Task Force (SRTF) suffered a $900 decrease, bringing its total funding down to only $100. Thompson explained this shift in funding as a matter of fiscal efficiency and changing priorities: "The Student Regent drive is going to be an assemblywide issue this year. We expect most of the business addressed by the SRTF last year to be addressed by the MSA as a whole this year. That makes the Committee Reserves a more efficient budget line to use, because the whole assembly has access to the line, instead of the SRTF line which only the co-chairs have access to." The Environmental Issues Commission (EIC) dropped $3,000 in funding compared to last year. This was largely because the EIC needed greater funding last year as a result of its participation in the organizing and coordinating of the Environmental Theme Semester. Some critics argue that the EIC is an unnecessary appropriation of MSA funds since it has nothing to do with governing the campus or representing students' interests. They argue that dealing with environmental issues is not the proper function of a student government. EIC Chairman Kris Genovese responds to such criticisms: "The commission (EIC) has everything in the world to do with campus issues and governance. As you may know, the world's population has just surpassed the six billion mark, the last eight months were the hottest recorded in human history, and each year the people of Ann Arbor fill up Michigan Stadium with trash ten times. So recognizing these pressing issues in the world today, what can we do about it? Well my answer is that if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. We have a duty, beginning with our own community, to live within the earth's resources; it's one of my missions at this University and it's also one of President Lee Bollinger's." rvR

MSA 1998-1999 Internal Budget Payroll $62,000 Operations $28,000 Committees and Commissions: Academic Affairs $50 Advice On-line $5,000 Budget and Priorities $168,000 Campus Governance $150 Campus Safety $150 Communications $4,000 Community Service Board $4,000 Community Service Fund $75,000 Community Service Reserve $9,000 Elections $7,000 Environmental Issues $3,000 External Relations $4,860 Health Issues' $100 International Students $100 Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Students $50 Minority Affairs $5,000 North Campus Affairs $200 Peace and Justice $50 Rules and Elections $200 Central Student Judiciary $50 Student Regent Task Force $100 Student Rights $500 Super-Fan Task Force $2,000 Voter Registration Task Force $50 Women's Issues $4,000 Committee Reserves $19,380 Total Internal Budget............ . $401,990

Don t forget to checkou.tour Web: Page or our Tec.hnology eZal' Ben will erase your bank account! 1

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6

October 7, 1998

THE MICIDGAN REVIEW

o SEND LAWYERS, GUNS & MONEY.~

. Students' Rights, Code Wrongs

O

NCE AGAIN IT IS TIME TO play U-M history trivia. What infamous University policy went into effect on January 1, 1996? Here are a few hints: As a result of this policy, th~ student body's civil rights and liberties became the personal playthings of Vice President for Student Affairs/ Student Oppressor Maureen "Damn the Constitution, give me absolute power!" Hartford . The weight of the administration's iron boot beCarnacchio came a little heavier on each student's throat. The University seized our ships, occupied our cities, and did violence to our citizens. (Well, maybe not the last one.) Give up? It was on this dark day that the most recent version of the draconian Code of Student Conduct went路 into effect. Copies are currently available in both English and the original German. During the Code's drafting and initial implementation there was a strong anti-Code spirit among the student population . There were anti-Code activist groups and demonstrations. Most student groups sided against the Code. The American Civil Liberties Union attacked the Code's inherent civil rights violations. Both the Review and the Michigan Daily printed numerous editorials condemning the Code and the secretive, undemocratic process by which it was conteived. Students and alumni even signed "reverse pledges" which stated that they would not give the University a penny in donations until the Code was abolished and students' rights were restored. Unfortunately, sometime during these last two years since the Code's implementation, the student body's anti-Code fervor and activism turned into apathy and acceptance. The student campaign against the Code greatly resembled France's participCltion in World War II - token resistance followed by total surrender. The Michigan Student Assembly (MSA) even played the role of Vichy; a govlOrnment

c.].

c.f. Carnacchio is the Managing Editor of the Review. He was last seen being led away in chains by DPS officers who charged him with heresies against the all mighty Code and insulting her royal highness and protector ofthe Code Queen Maureen Hartford. c.f. 's last words were "Send lawyers, guns, and money, the shit lUiS hit the fan!"

which betrayed its people and collaborated with the enemy. This is no big surprise, considering that MSA has always proven itself to be a government of the administration, by the administration, and for the administration. A true parliament of political whores. It is high time that someone refreshed the student body's collective memory as to how tyrannical, insidious, and just plain evil the Code truly is. Let's begin with the Code's most serious violation of students' civil rights: placing Code violators in double jeopardy. The Code states: "Because some violations of these standards [the essential values of the University ofMichigan listed in the Code's introduction] are also violations oflaw, students may be accountable to both the legal system and the University." This cla1,l.se allows the University to punish students again for acts which are already illegal and under the court system's jurisdiction. A student who is sanctioned by both the legal system and the University for a particular violation is effectively tried and punished twice for the same crime. The language of the Code also implies that even if a student is acquitted

her or his choice." This brings to mind mentation of a behavioral code sends the old saying, "A man who represents the message that students are still chilhimself has a fool for a client." The dren and not adults (or real citizens University defends this deplorable with rights and liberties). Federal, state, and local laws provide sufficient reclause by twice stating in the Code that its resolution and appeal processes are straints on the conduct of adults outadministrative functions and "should side the University. There is no reason not be equated with the procedures these laws should not be sufficient reused in civil or 'c riminal court," nor are straints for students who are, despite they "subject to the same rules of civil the administration and regents' view, or criminal proceedings." Of course, adults and citizens as well. The these rules do not apply because in a University's in loco parentis (in the place court of law individuals actually have of parents) justification of the Code is real rights protected by the Constitujust another weak rationale for its usurtion, and are not subject to the arbitrary pation of students' rights and liberties. and absolute power of pointless little Administrators and regents argued University bureaucrats who take pleaduring the Code's formation that it was sure in robbing students of their sweet the federal government which manliberty. One of my favorite clauses reads: dated the University have such a code, "All procedural and interpretive quesand given the University's dependence tions concerning the Code will be reon federal funding they had no choice but to comply. But, the federal governsolved by the VPSA [Le. Queen Hartford] or designee." Call me paranoid, men! simply mandates that all federbut does anyone else feel a tad uneasy ally funded institutions of higher eduabout relying on University adminiscation implement policies regarding trators and their lackeys to inform stualcohol abuse, drug abuse, and sexual dents of their rights and protect them? harassment and assault. The U-M Code Another tyrannical facet of the Code . of Student Conduct goes far beyond can be found in its geographical juri5~' ''''" these minimum federal requirements. diction. Not only does the Code' s power The Code, in its current all-encompass-

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in&civilrigh~vicl~in&do~~~~~

The Code, in its current all-encompassing, civil rights-violating, double-jeopardizing, kangaroo court form, is the product of the administration and Board of Regents' demented and dictatorial desires to control students' lives - not to meet federal mandates.

ardizing, kangaroo court form, is the product of the administration and the Board of Regents' demented and dictatorial desires to regulate students' lives - not to meet federal mandates. A September 13, 1995 Review editorial offered the perfect solution to satisfy both the federal government's policy mandates and the student body's concern over civil rights. The editorial suggested the implementation of a minimal code which would simply read: "The University's policy on drug and alcohol use and sexual harassment is to let the judicial system handle it." The editorial further reasoned that, "With such a policy in place, the federal governmentwould be satisfied, the administration and regents would have a 'code,' and the rights of students would remain intact." The only flaw in this logic is that it assumes the administration and regents simply want a code to meet federal mandates, when in reality they desire to rule students' lives with an iron fist. rvR

of a crime by a court of law, they may still be subject to prosecution and sanction under the Code. So, even if a student has been found not guilty by local, state, or federal authorities, the University has given itself the right and the means to judge and punish that same student for the same violation, regardless of the legal system's rulings. This represents the height of this Academic Gulag's arrogance and tyranny. The University justifies this unjust power with a statement in the Code which reads: "Because the University establishes high standards for membership, its standards of conduct, while falling within the limits of the law, may exceed federal, state, or local requirements." Again, what arrogance! Another of the Code's seriousviolations of students' civil rights involves its denial of legal representation to students during Code arbitrations. The Code states: "Each party involved in arbitration has the right to be assisted but not represented by an a~vis9r of

extend over University controlled property and University sponsored events/ programs, it also encompasses the city of Ann Arbor and outside Ann Arbor as well. The reach of the University's power should extend no farther than its property lines. When a student is off University-controlled property, he should be subject to the same local, state, and federal laws as everyone else and nothing more. The University has absolutely no right to place its students under the Code's jurisdiction when they are acting on their own time off University property. Society's laws are presently sufficient without the aid of a University code of conduct to maintain social order and restrain and protect its citizens, induding U-M students. The University need not place the undue and unjust burden of the Code on its students when they are not acting on University property. The Code is little more than an attempt to control the lives of students. The UI1iversity's advocation~in:lple- .

Abolish the Code! Abolish the Code! Abolish the Code!

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7

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

October 7, 1998

o LANTERNS & LANCES

The Way You.,Wear Your Hat. • •

I

F CL01HES MAKE TIlE MAN, as the saying goes, then the clothing of today's college students is producing some interesting specimens. A quick visual tour of the U-M campus will reveal various strands of" gnmge," "hip-hop," sorority--chick and frat-rat cool, and an incredible array of outrageous hairstyles, exotic tatoos, and garish makeup. Today's youth view their outward appearance as a primary means to Lee "express" themselves, and have Bockhom elevated this notion to a "right" which must be vigorously defended; witness the inevitable outraged ,reac- . tion at any high school which dares to institute a dress code. Yet, looking at present fashion trends one wonders exactly what it is that people are trying to express. Things were not always like this.

to a monster-truck rally. In the case of universities, students and professors once wore formal attire to signify, if only subconsciously, that they believed the activity they were engaged in - the pursuit of knowledge - was a serious undertaking. Today, we attend classes looking like slobs but dress up to go to a dance club, which suggests a disturbinginversion of priorities. Our esteemed professors are no better, as the tweeds and wingtips of their predecessors have been unceremoniously dumped in favorofBirkenstocksandbermudashorts. In light of this demonstration of an apparent lack of commitment by professors, it is no surprise that many students spend their class time doing almost anything (drooling, Daily crossword puzzles) besides paying attention. This is not to say that seriousness of intellectual purpose goes hand in hand with formal attire. I have personally had some tremendous teachers, from grade school through college, who came to class looking more like they were preparing to paint a house than to share wisdom. Nevertheless, I think it is safe to generalize that students will be apt to take more seriously a profes-

Go rent a movie from the 19303 or 40s, or, if you're not inclined to believe Hollywood's perception of reality, find a newspaper photo of downtown New York or Chicago during the same era; you'll see that everyone dressed up and this was a time when people didn't have a lot of extra money to spend on clothes. People simply cared about how they looked. On college campuses, students and professors were actually required to wear coats and ties or nice dresses to class. The average student today might chuckle at the thought of wearing a coat and tie to class, but there is a reason why this was once the norm. It was not, sor who chooses to dress respectably as we might think, intended to induce for his classes. "conformity" or stifle the "expression" Ultimately our sartorial deficiencies reflect our overall nonchalant attiof students; rather, it evolved from a basic belief that one's choice of clothing tude towards life. In this era of "whatfor any given occasion reflects the imever," our brains are as slovenly taiport and gravity one assigns to it, belored as our bodies with all sorts of slipcause outward appearances do matter. shod, overworn, and ill-fitting ideas. One could have the "chicken or the Just as we choose more formal architecegg" argument all day about whether ture for buildings intended for higher purposes - we do not use the same the ideas influence the clothes or vice design for the Capitol building and a versa, but there's no question that caMcDonald's - we choose mor~ formal sual clothes are conducive -to casual attire for occasions we wish to imbue minds. One day, it no longer seems to \vith more meaning and significance. matter what a person wears to school or work; it's "just clothes." The next day, it Thus, we do not wear ripped jeans and tank tops to a wedding, just .i:i we do no longer seems to matter what a pernot sport tuxedos and evening gowns ' son does or thinks, no matter how abhorrent; it's an "alternative lifestyle." Lee Bockhom is a senior in Music and LSA The loss of good sense about dressand tlte editor-in-chief of the Re\ iew. He ing for the occasion is thus an extension thinks the Brooks Brothers cPClld kick of an overall decline in w hat I like to call TommyHilftg·er's ass anyday.·' the "little decencies" - those small but

significant practices which a civilized (or at least, you'll only attract the more society uses to distinguish itself from refined and discerning ogres). the beasts of the field and sea. You may So there you have it - a call to have heard them referred to as "good arms, so to speak, for all of us to start manners." And contrary to prevailing dressing and behaving like we do give opinion these days, no matter how ina damn about what other people genious a society's laws or constituthink. You can call me a dreamer, or tion, or how prosperous it may be, if it perhaps just a fashion tyrant trying to lacks these intangible yet essential impose his WASPish sense of style on graces the descent to barbarity is swift the heathen masses. But I don't think and certain. If you doubt that dress and it's farfetched to hope that one day manners can be this crucial, consider students will trade in the baggy jeans two examples: first, school uniforms. for well-pressed pants; the J. Crew flanAlmost every school district in thecounnels and dirry white baseball caps for a try which has adopted uniforms has smart tie and French cuffs. And maybe, seen a concomitant increase in academic just maybe, the change of clothing will performance and discipline. And in coincide with a change in attitude, and New York City, Mayor Rudolph the "whatever" mentality of today's . Guiliani has overseen a dramatic destudents will give way to a belief that crease in crime largely by clamping there are some things in this world down not only on obvious things like even clothes and ideas - that still demurder and robbery, but also on the serve to be taken seriously. 1.R seemingly "harmless" crimes like jaywalking, subway turnstile-jumping, and public defecating, which, when taken as a whole, produce an atmosphere of disorder which allows crime and brutality to flourish. Even disregarding the societal benefits, well-honed dress and mannE;rs-· ~,·~,

In every issue of the . Review read: Lee Bockhorn's

column Lanterns and Lances

The loss of good sense about dressing for the occasion is thus an extension of an overall decline in what I like to call the Ulittle decencies" - . those small but significant practices which a civilized society uses to distinguish itself from the beasts of . the field and sea.

and C.J. Carnacchio's , column Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money

make life pleasant in many other ways. Who doesn't enjoy being addressed as "ma'am" or "sir," or hearing the words "please" and "thank you" when asked to do something? And as for all of you gentlemen out there despera!e for female companionship, there's a reason why the Cary Grants and Fred Astaires of the old Hollywood were obsessed with dressing well: there isn't a man on earth who doesn't look his best and most appealing to the ladies in a welltailored suit. Any woman who isn't a radical feminist also still appreciates the I1ttle gestures of a man opening a door for her or standing when she enters the room (yes, men actually used to do that). And speaking of the fairer sex, if you ladies out there would trade in the "let-it-all-hang-out" look for more modest yet still attractive outfits, you might not need to spend so much time beating off frat-boy ogres with a stick --..---

Lee does the judicious and scholarly pzeces. C.J. does the bombastic, right-wing diatribes. The Michigan Review : A perfect balance between the philosophical and tlL,e outr~g~o, ut)~ , " '." -

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8

October 7, 1998

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

Meals continued from Page 1 tive and fit the market for [individual meals". At first glance, the University meal plan seems to accomplish this purpose for its primary charges - residents. On a per meal basis, Durst says 13 Meal Plan Students pay $4.50 per lunch and $5.90 per dinner. However, this analysis assumes that students arrive the first day the Resident Halls open and leave the last day on finals, never skipping a meal in between. A more accurate estimate of the cost students pay per meal takes into account the number of meals the average student misses per week. The University, of course, assumes that students skip meals when planning their budget. Thus, perhaps a better estimate of what the University charges students is what they charge to eat an individual meal in the dorms. Here the prices are significantly more expensive: $6.25 for lunch and $8.25 for dinner. By comparison, Hillel offers individual meals at $4.25 for lunch and $6.50 for dinner. Theta Xi is by far the cheapest, as the meal plan component of rent averages out to roughly $4.30 per meal (lunch and dinners). As all three organizations are non-profits, all must make sure that revenue equals costs. Thus, the price they quote must roughly be equivalent to the costs of the food and service they provide. Therefore, to properly examine why the dorm plan costs students so much, one needs to look at the cost structure of University Housing. On the surface, the University plan should be the cheapest, as it can take advantage of what economists refer to as "economies of scale". Essentially, whereas Hilleland Theta Xi might have one cook for every 20-40 students, all of Markley (1173 students) has 7 cooks (25 total employees) - or one for every 167 students. Also, due to the size of the dorm plan, the University should be able to command lower prices for food and drink, because they buy in bulk. Similarly, Hillel's costs should far exceed both the residence halls ard Theta Xi. Not only does it pay a steep (close to 90(10) premium for kosher food, but Jewish Law also demands separate equipment, dishes, and utensils ~or meat and dairy meals (e.g., a plate used to serve hamburgers cannot be used to also serve pizza, even on different days). So why does the University plan cost so much? The answer is two-fold: bloated administration, and ridiculously high union wages. Over the past year, only 31.8% of food service expenses was used to purchase food. However, 61.2% was directed towards compensating cooks, cleaners, and management etc. Not only that, but in a year when food costs increasi!d only 1..9% (due to more students), administrMi9n ,cpsts,s.kyfQd<,eted. S.6.%, going~.

$185,961 over budget. A full 16.6% (instead of the budgeted 1$.8%) of the budget went simply tQwards paying the Managers, Assistant 'Managers, Supervisors at the various dorms and senior staff. Out of a $15,799,000 budget, this equates to over $2.626 million. Presumably this figure includes more than salaries and benefits, nevertheless it.seems extreme. Similarly, the University uses a pay scale that starts at $10.30 an hour (plus benefits) for full time workers. Sadly, this is not the wage paid to skilled workers (chefs, bakers etc.), but to "food service workers," whose duties include such complicated tasks as "operate automatic dishwashing and cartwashlng equipment" and "trim and slice cooked meats and cheese." Full time kitchen cleaners receive$11.00/hr,stockkeepers$11.40/ hr, and chef's assistants $13.42/hr (by

comparison, this reporter was paid $7.00 an hour as a full time baker this past summer). Furthermore, non-student wages soared 5.8% in the past year (when inflation averaged only 2%), causing wages to go $361,453 over budget. In fairness, the residence hall meal plan does have a few distinct advantages over the alternatives presented in this report. Per meal, it provides more dining options then either Hillel or Theta Xi, and in a more picturesque environment. Also, Hillel this year budgeted an expected $3000 loss on its meal plan, working outto asubsidy of (given an average of twenty-five students per meal, including holidays) $120 per student, or roughly $.30 per meal. However, even including this subsidy in the price students pay would still make Hillel $1.70 cheaper for an individual

lunch, and $1.45 cheaper for dinner. This, despite all the costs associated with running a kosher facility. In short, the University Dining Halls are plagued by high administrative costs and union wages. Unlike Hillel and Theta Xi, where close to twothirds of the budget is devoted to food alone, the University generously compensates employees with minimal skills, and then allocates significant resources to watch over and manage these employees. The end result is higher costs for residence hall students. Thus, despite being run by a "non-profit" organization, the University residence halls are consistently the most expensive living option for the student body. l\R

U-M Dining Services Spending 1997-1998 Fiscal Year total $15,799,514 -'~"""

Salary & Wage Student 7.2%

Salary & Wage Regular 37.4%

Administration 16.6%

Equipment Repair 2.0%

Raw Food 31.9%

Equipment Replacement 1.0%

Laundry/Supplies Source: U-M Housing

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October 7, 1998

9

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o MICHIGAN POLITICS

Foot-in-MouUl: Fieger Spouts Off , ,\\!,,y

BY MAn-HEW S. SCHWARTZ

T

HE MICHIGAN GUBERNAtorial race has been touted by many as the most exciting race in the country. That is due in large part to the feisty and fiery Democratic candidate, Geoffrey Fieger. Fieger, a U-M graduate in theater, is best known as the passionate trial attorney who has successfully acquitted Doctor Death Jack Kervorkian numerous times. The unusual thing is, Fieger has stated in numerous interviews that he doesn't even want to be governor! But, as he says, "there comes a time in your life when you have to give something back, and I feel it's time. I think I'm as qualified as anyone." However, the voting public would tend to disagree. Engler has consistently crushed Fieger in the polls, most recently beating Fieger by a ratio of 2-1. The large margin Engler enjoys could be due in part to voter outrage, over Fieger's interesting campaign tactics. Instead of posing ideas. and solutions during campaign speeches, Fieger instead has a tendency to badmouth his opponent. Adam Silver, President of the U-M College Republicans, said that the only purpose behind Fieger's childish remarks is to draw media attention. "But what he's drawing isn't positive, it's negative, and the voters seem to be responding ~~gatively) to that. Come November 3 , there should be no reason why Engler isn't in his third term as governor." Foryoitrreadingpleasure, wenow present a partial compilation ofFieger' s most memorable slanders against Engler's character,"",s well as a few other zingers. The quotes have been arranged in story format for optimum effect. And keep in mind, Fieger is an actor at heart, so to get the full effect of these pearls of wisdom, we recommend that you read the quotes aloud, red-faced and hyperventilating, while pacing about the room.

-"He's a bully, just like Mike Tyson, picking on people (smaller) than himself. The only difference is that Engler is stupider than Tyson. -"He's a cheater, a liar and a coward. -"I'm telling you, John Engler is an SOB." Silver said that "these arejustthings you don't do in politics. Everyone should have respect for their opponent, whether they agree with their values or not ... it's really sad when a candidate can't even show respect." Besides, said Silver, these quotes describe Fiegerbetter than Engler. "He's been a liar before, he's cheated in his way,judgeshopping, so actually I think that he is describing hlmselfbefore John Engler." Kelly Boland, President of the U-M College Democrats, doesn't think that anyone should judge Fieger based solely on off-the-cuff remarks that he says without even thinking about it. "I think it all comes down to the issues and how he stands on the issues." Boland thinks that the media is irresponsible for focusing so much on Fieger's insults. "I understand why his tactics are so novel to the media and they report on it a lot, but if they didn't, they would get to the heart of the issues and you would see that he's right in line [with party policy]." Engler Attacks, Part II: -"I don't know how African Americans can vote for Engler. That's like Jews voting for Adolf Hitler. -"I wouldn't be running for governor if the guy wasn't a racist, dumb boor. -"[He's] the result of miscegenation between human beings and barnyard animals. ·"Unless [Engler's children] have corkscrew tails, those are not his kids."

Engler Attacks, Part I: -"John Engler has never held a real job in his life. The only experience he has is robbing you, cheating you and lying to you. He's the biggest crook there is in this state. - "He's a man of mediocre intelligence who's never done anything in life but suck off the public trough. -"He's a man who can't think on his feet. .. he's a man who really is not competent or capable of leading this state.

Those last two quotes earned Fieger a lot of negative media attention. Many people believed that he was definitely going too far, claiming Engler to be half-human,half-bamyard-animal, and questioning whether or not he is really the father of his triplets. When questioned, however, Fieger had a very sensible explanation: "Prior to announcing my candidacy for governor, I made various ad hominem attacks upon the man because he appears in many respects not to have human qualities." Fieger also claimed that latter state'I

~

ment was aimed at the governor, not his children. Whether aimed at the governor or at his children, does Fieger have the right to make such offensive personal attacks against the governor? "I don't think it's my place to defend him," said Boland, "and I don't necessarily think that it's necessary, either. It's just his style ... it's just the way that he is.

so many millions of dollars worth of jails, he's got great policy. He's got the right stance on issues. And I think that if the media got past his mud-slinging . and reported on the issues then people would know more about it." Perhaps the media is having such a hard time getting past Fieger's mudslinging, however, because it seems to be the only thing the Fieger is doing. "The only war he's waging is a war of words," said Silver, "and it's someOther Attacks thing the voters aren't agreeing with at all ... everyone's sick of Fieger's childFor all who think that Fieger has been pretty hard on Engler, you can ish games." take comfort in the fact that his insults Boland disagrees. "I think that what are not confined to the governor: the voters are more sick of is Engler's childish games and the bad policy that he's put the state through. I think that's - Jesus Christ is " ... just some goofball that got nailed more of an issue right now. It's not Fieger's tactics; it's Engler's bad policy." to the cross." -Cardinal Maida, the head But she is worried that Fieger's of the Catholic Church in numerous insults against Engler may Michigan, is a "nut." have fatal repercussions with the voters. "I think if that's all that they hear • "Rabbis are closer to Nazis than they think" about Fieger, then that's definitely go-"Sure, I smoked mariing to have an effect," she said. juana. And I inhaled. I'm not a Whether the voters are sick of liar like Clinton." Fieger's childish games or Engler's bad •. _.policy, one thing's for certain: whether or not Fieger wins or loses, we are all in for at least a few more weeks of trashy, Jerry Springer-style entertainment out of this wild and unrestrained candidate. r..R

Fieger took extreme offense to the way his Jesus remark was quoted in the media, claiming that he never said that. "I was talking about how history doesn't always treat heroes kindly and tends to change," Fieger said. "For example, the people who nailed Jesus to the cross thought he was just a goofball and a thousand years from now Elvis may be considered God by a few." Boland was also angry about the tactics Engler used, quoting Fieger out of context in television commecials. "Fieger never called Jesus a goofball. In [Engler's] commercials, they took out half a sentence and put a few words together and it had nothing to do with the quote at all. [Engler's] playing just as many games as Fieger is." As for calling the Cardinal a '~nut," Fieger has a very good excuse: "Some of the things that he says appear to be nutty to me." Fieger likened rabbis to Nazis when he heard that the Council of Orthodox Rabbis of Greater Detroit equated assisted suicide to murder. And one may find it odd that Fieger would insult the President of the United States, a member of his own party, but Fieger was trying to tell people that he is not a sneaky, lying politician like many others. "The issues, when he does speak on the issues, are right in line with the party," said Boland. "He's pro-choice, he's pro-environment, he wants to help people who have been put out of mental hospitals, he wants to stop building:

Looking for realworld business experience that will set you apart from the crowd? Join the Review's business staff. Earn comissionbased pay and set your own level of time commitment. For more info, call Sang at 647-8438

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10

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

October 7, 1998

o CAMPUS AFFAIRS

Students Respp.!1d to Clinton Scandal BY JOHN

E. JERNSTAD

A

LMOST DAILY, OPINION polls conducted by the print and broadcast media describe how the American people are reacting to what has become the political spectacle of the decade. Each national poll has differed slightly in their numbers, but they have indicated that although the American people do not think Mr. Ointon to be much of a family man, he is still doing an acceptable job as the president of the United States. An opinion poll conducted by CNN in midSeptember has reported that President Clinton's support has remained virtually unchanged before and after the release of Independent Prosecutor Kenneth Starr)s report to Congress, with his approval rating holding steady in the mid-60% range. It also stated that more Americans have lost respect for the president as embarrassing details of the investigation has become public, from 59% of respondents saying they respected the President in January to just 43% in mid-September (CNN/USA Today /Gallup Poll). Such is the frenzy whipped up by

o SATIRE

politicians and the media that even normally apathetic university students have begun to take notice. How do members of the University of Michigan community feel about the current scandal surrounding the president? In an informal opinion poll conducted by the Michigan Review among students and staff of the University, almost all of the polled said they believe Mr. Clinton is doing an acceptable job as the president. Regarding his moral character, however, respondents were less generous, many giving him less than 4 on a scale of 1(creep) to 10(exemplary). Most (over 90%) stated that the scandal and investigCltion are interfering with the president's ability to do his job, either by taking up his time and resources that could be better used, or by crippling his credibility. One respondent said that "the scandals have compromised [Mr. Clinton's] moral author1'ty . " Regarding his status as the most visible American, many respondents 路 said that they do not believe Mr. Ointon has been rendered ineffective in the eyes of other world leaders, offering the rather optimistic opinion that other

leaders would empathize with what Mr. Clinton is going through and understand it to be mere politics. The general consensus among those interviewed was that the current scandal in Washington is merely politics as usual. Even though many Democratic candidates for the upcoming November elections appear to be distancing themselves from the president, fearing he would be a liability in their campaign efforts, most respondents said that what is going on now will not affect them in how they vote in future local or national elections. Although most respondents said they have read little if any of the Starr report, or seen or read much more than parts of Mr. Clinton's grand jury testimony, all expressed strong opinions on how the scandal is affecting the nation. Many expressed negative views at the president, his enemies and the media. Although college students are not normally noted for .sexual restraint, and despite the fact the University ofMichigan is widely known as one of the more liberal universities, most people expressed their disapproval of the president and his lack of self control.."..路

Many students, however, said that what Mr. Clinton is going through is his own business, and should be not be a national matter. Some respondents mirrored the opinion of the majority of the American people, saying that Mr. Clinton's problems are between him and his family - an opinion apparently shared by the president and repeatedly expressed though his many televised statements. A student even absolved the president's sins, saying that his values, or lack thereof, are only a reflection of the morals of today's American society, and he should not be faulted. Few said their opinion of the office of the presidency has been altered by the scandals, considering the scandal less related to Mr. Clinton's position as the president of the United States than to his own character. Several respondents also expressed their disapproval of the way the media has been handling the affair, one student calling it "a media circus." lvR

Read the Review!

Clinton: 'The Cheese Fries Made Me Do It"

BY DAVID GUIPE

s AMERICA, THE STARR Report is finally ou t. Right now, many of you are probably wondering what's going to happen to the president with the second highest testosterone level in history G.F.K.'s still holding the top spot, apparently). So, in order to address all of your questions, we'll tum to our political expert in this Q and A segment that I like to call, "Ask The Guy Who Knows Stuff".

Y:

Q: So, what did you think of that new Leslie Nielsen movie? A: I meant your questions about Clinton. Q: Oops. My bad. So is Clinton going to be impeached? A: Nope. He'll limp over the finish line. Q: What? You mean to tell me that the evil, mean Republicans won't throw him out just to show everyone how evil and mean they are? A: Are you kidding? Clinton is the best thing that ever happened to the Republicans. As long as Clinton is in office, the word "Democrat" will be synonymous with "middle-aged pervert". Q: Hey, leave Ted Kennedy out of this! A: 1 was talking about Ointon. 0: Oh. But what if he resigns? A: People that resign ullluaUy have honor. ., "

Q: True. So does this mean that Al Gore's chances of winning the White House in 2000 are pretty much dead? A: He doesn't see it that way. As a matter of fact, I've recently stumbled upon some strategies that he's considering for his campaign. Q: Really? A: Yep. It tums out that Gore is planning on choosing none other than former college roommate TonUnY Lee Jones as his running mate. The Democrats are hoping that Jones will be able to impress the masses by using lines like, "We're gonna get enough votes to win this election, even if we have to search every farmhouse, henhouse, doghouse, and outhouse." Q: Uh huh. So how was that Leslie Nielsen movie? A: Not even close to the caliber of the Naked Gun movies.

Of course, Clinton could have saved himself a lot of trouble if he had just admitted that he did wrong in the first place and appealed to the complacency and gullibility of the average American voter to save his skin. Here is an example of one such move: Clinton: "Yes, I did it. I had sex with Monica Lewinsky." Audi~ (holding"Impeach Clinton"

sIgns) "BOO! HISS! BOO!" Clinton: "Wait! Let me explain! I couldn't help it. She tempted me with cheese fries! (pulls out a "Bucket '0 Cheese Fries") Yes, cheese fries, America's favorite snack. Why, where would America be without cheese fries?" Mike McCurry: (begins humming "The Battle Hymn of the Republic") Clinton: "What did George Washington's father give him after he told the truth about the cherry tree? Cheese fries. What did Abe Lincoln use to end the Civil War? Cheese fries. What did FOR snack on while discussing strategies with Winston Churchill? You guessed it, cheese fries. So what do you say America? Let's grab some cheese fries and build that bridge to the twenty first century." Audience: (holding up "Clinton 2000" signs) "FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!" Mike McCurry: "How long do you think it will take them to figure out that you can't run again?" Clinton: "Give 'em a couple of days. If they're still here, turn the hose on 'em." Well, there you have it. A plausible scenario of what could have happened, which is why it is SO important, and I .. can't stress this enough, people, that

we informed voters go out and VOTE on election day . It's really not that hard. As a matter of fact, it can be done in three easy steps: 1. 2. 3.

Go to the polling place. Vote. Leave the polling place.

Otherwise, you may tum on CNN and find something like this: Wolf Blitzer: "The latest polls show that President Clinton's approval rating has once again taken a huge leap since his confession that his marital infidelity has been caused by cheese fries (stuffing a cheese fry into his mouth). The latest poll shows that 97% of Americans approve of Clinton, while only 4% disapprove. Yes, I'm aware of the fact that those numbers add up to 101 %, which is more proof that CNN shouldn't hire women to do math. Of course, any liberals watching who have no sense of humor will not realize that my last statement was made in a tongue in cheek manner, which means that this will probably be my last day on the job. Oh well, at least I have cheese fries." ~


11

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

October 7. 1998

o CAMPUS AFFAIRS

Continue "the "Witchhunt" C,I#'';>

BY BENJAMIN ROUSCH

T

HISSUM:MER 1HEKUKLUX Klan held a small rally in Ann Arbor. If you weren't around to see it, you probably saw the news coverage of the ensuing riot on TV. The estimated 300 protesters calling themselves "Smash the KKK" soon got fed up with the Klan shouting their usual barrage of irrational racist slurs and, instead of leaVing, decided to riot. The police were ready for the riot, and responded by dispersing the violent crowd with tear gas and riot gear. The rally was cut short as rioters beat people bloody, tore down fences, and broke windows, but was still shown on many news programs because of the violent protests. Since then, the AAPD has been rounding up some of the most violent rioters using Videotapes of the event. The protesters, of course, don't like this. You may have seen the fliers around campus or "Letters to the Daily" calling for a stop to the so-called "Witchhunt". The rioters feel it was within their rights to cause damage to property, panic in the streets, and physical injuries to any-

one in general because they don't agree with what the Klan says. Despite these ridiculous attempts to avoid prosecution, the authorities have continued arresting rioters. There are many compelling reasons for pursuing the rioters well after the end of the riot. The most obvious is that if the law-breakers are allowed to go unpunished, next year's riot will be larger than this year's. The Klan has made it clear that they will make Ann Arbor an annual stop on their racist road trips, and the rioters have made it clear that their protests will be larger and more violent. Soon, people who are not even rioting against the Klan will join the protests just to cause anarchy and violence in the streets of Ann Arbor. Enthusiastic, though misguided, teenagers will join the melee just for the opportunity to fight against an authority figure. Within a few years, the annual KKK rally will become a yearly free-for-all of property damage, hate, and violence. It may seem odd for the Klan to willingly subject themselves to such a violent atmosphere, but that is exactly what they want. Riots and violence in

the streets bring in news crews, and news crews bring national coverage of the event. Without the rioters, a Klan rally would not even get a mention in a local newspaper. The riots are the KKK's biggest source of free, national publicity. In the eyes of the Klan, the national coverage of a their rally has two benefits. First, the Klan gets to present their overtly racist viewpoints to the general public in a fairly calm and intelligent manner. They get to explain how the white man is superior to all others, and that blacks are no better than "animals in the field." They insinuate that blacks are the cause of all crime and hatred in America, and then imply that they should be "sent back to Africa." Second, the protesters tum violent. Rioters start beating people up, breaking windows, and tearing down fences. The cameras capture people running wildly, screaming incoherently, and mindlessly attacking others, and relay it to the rest of America. It appears that what the KKK said is true - the rioters are acting like wild animals, not civilized human beings. . It is obvious from these argumentS"

that violent protests and riots are exactly what the Klan wants, and the "Smash the KKK" members are all too Willing to give it to them. When the Klan comes to Ann Arbor next year, don't take to the streets with an intent to do violence. Stay at home with your family or friends, or take a walk in the park. Protest the Klan's hateful rally by not attending. They will get no national coverage if there is no riot. l\R

Outraged? Infuriated by the ReHettP Well calm down then. Then, let us know wflat you think:

mrev@umich.edu

o VIEWPOINT Free Speech Goes Down the Toilet BY JULIE JESCHKE

A

T THIS UNIVERSITY, WE are force-fed diversity. We are brainwashed with messages of equality and unity. Having an open mind is an unwritten requirement for graduation. Biology requires us to use restrooms, daily. Is it possible for us to get our U.S. recommended daily allowance of these things in the bathroom? Quoth the Mason Hall facilities people, nevermore." In the men's room (or so I've heard), one can often find the typical "for a good time, call so-and-so" messages, scrawled in womanizers' best penmanship. This is not the case in the women's room. Graffiti entries preach sisterhood, equality, and other lovely, fluffy feminist things. People engage in debates about religion, ask for advice in relationships or with career-planning, and anonymous answers appear,likemagic. I rarely agreed with the graffiti, but it was fun to read all the differing viewpoints. I'll even confess to writing'on the walls a few times. Cmon, it was empowering. You've probably done it, too, or at least been tempted. Don't get me wrong-I'm not a disgrace to my gender, but I'm probably the farthest thing there is from being a diehard feminist. In the tradiII

tional, Webster's Dictionary sense of the word, yes. I believe that men and women should have equal rights, but that's the extent of it. The key word is "equal." We should not be murdering our unborn children or throwing the ''born'' ones into daycare, while we're out, climbing the corporate ladder or saving the world. Men are not bad, and

Summer term, and was obliterated again, just a few weeks ago. If the U-M would spend the funds wasted on paint for more worthy purposes, perhaps women wouldn't feel the need to create their own decorations and vandalize. Paint the bathroom another, prettier color (besides white). The latches on the stall doors

Men are not bad, and we should not all convert to lesbianism. But that's just me and these doggone, small-town-girl morals of mine. we should not all convert to lesbianism. But that's just me and these doggone, small-town-girl morals of mine. Interesting graffiti didn't exist in my one-horse town, and the first time I discovered this mecca of womanhood, it was like finding buried treasure. On the walls of the Mason Hall bathroom stalls, one can find feminist messages from the stereotypical "femi-nazis," as well as from closet, "shhhh... don't tell anyone" feminists, like myself. Correction: that should say, "one could find." They've painted over the graffiti for the second time in a month. It disappeared for the first time in the last weeks of the

are in awful condition; buy the bathroom a tampon machine, a condom machine, hell, any vending machine in Angell Hall that functions properly would be welcome. As it stands, they are wasting our precious money. The women will keep on asking questions, writing poetry, and drawing pictures. Perhaps this graffiti dean-up" is so tragic because of the gross doublestandard at work. Under interrogation, a few of my reliable, male sources confessed that there was still graffiti, alive and well in the Mason Hall men's room. What?! Someone should be crying, "sexism!" The humanity! This is hardly fair. II

Alert the media! Oh wait-we are the media. Women's groups and the SAFE house should be outraged by this blatant slap in the face to the female gender. Is X-rated, women-degrading graffiti less harmful than that advocating awareness and unity? I think not. Granted, vandalism is sort of illegal, but if that's the main cause for the graffiti dean-up, then the men's room should have been dealt with in a similar fashion. Pick and choose politics are never a good thing. Sidewalk chalkings are allowed. If we wrote on the bathroom stalls in chalk, would our words be tolerated? As one writer suggested, if we put up paper to write on, would that be acceptable? People have been writing in bathrooms since their invention, and the process will continue until their untimely demise. It should be refreshing to see such positive, enlightened graffiti next to the toilet paper and commode, especially considering the derogatory nature of its urinal counterpart. This is free speech at its 'finest, though it is found in an unlikely location. Leave the graffiti alone, and stay out of the women's room, you evil, paint-wielding men. l\R

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12

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

October 7, 1998

o CAMPUS COMPUTING

II\S FAQs l!o

BY BENJAMIN ROUSCH

Y

OU PROBABLY PAY attention to how many pages of printing lTD has allocated to you for the term, and you may even know how many hours of dial-up time you have left. However, you may not be aware of the other services included in the basic computing package, such as your IFS space. Even if you do know that you have ten megabytes of IFS storage space, you probably have no idea how to use it, or even whatitcan be used for. In this installment of Campus Computing, you willieam how to store and retrieve files on your IFS space, and view email attachments which Pine cannot display. What is IFS Space? As a sJ;udent at the University of Michigan, you are allotted a certain amount of electronic storage on the university's servers. This term, you are given ten megabytes of file storage which is roughly equivalent to seven floppy disks - and you can request more space relativeiy cheaply if you

Sites NT Workstation

Recycle Bin

Double click here to logout

My IFS Home Directory

;tf~1

tory, finish it at the School of Education you have to figure out how to get at it. want it. Some files are automatically You may not even realize that somestored on your IFS account by lTD, but computing site, and revise it in your one has sent you an attachment unless dorm's ResComp site without ever they don't generally take up much you are an experienced Pine user. An space. This leaves the bulk of ten megatouching a floppy disk. It is especially attachment shows up just below the bytes for you to use as you wish (as long handy if you forget a floppy disk, or subject of a message in the "Parts/ At~ as you stay within the U-M's computdownload something interesting from ing rules). People use their IFS space in many different ways. On my ten megslhaveasmall 1 • line s Text/PLA I H web site, several. ; i"'dhi; pictures I downloaded from the web, some help programs . for EECS 100 students, shortcuts to a few programs I commonly use, some MS-Word documents, and more. Even with all this, I still have three orfourmegabytes still open. e Some classes require you to hand ....,..,....in your assigntachments" section. These are the steps ments electronically, so you have to the web, only to find you have nowhere temporarily keep the file for that asyou should follow to view an attachto put it. You just copy it to your IFS ment: signment on your IFS account. Some account and then copy it to a floppy people just have a web page they had to disk when you have one. make for an introductory class. 1. Press the " V" key on the keyboard. If you are trying to open a file you have copied to your IPS account, you How do I Access my IFS Space? 2. Highlight the attachment you want need to know the drive letter of the IFS to view from the list. account. Until recently, the letter Before the U-M upgraded its comseemed to change from site to site, but puters to Windows NT 4, it was big 3. Press the "5" key. (On the bottom of now it is almost always "H." So, to hassle to access your IFS space from a the screen it should say "Copy attachopen an Excel spreadsheet stored on ment to file in home directory" and Pc. You had to use an outdated FTP your IFS account, open Excel, click the (File Transfer Protocol) program, know little "Open File" icon (a half-opened then give the attachment's file name.) the name of an IFS server, and the path folder), and navigate to the "H:" drive. to your account. If you want to access 4. Press the "Enter" key. Your file should be ready to open. your IFS from your home, you still If you have any problems with storYou have now saved the attachhave to use an FTP program, but the ing or retrieving files from your IFS ment to your IFS account, and it can be programs have gotten much better. account, or you want to access it from From a computing site, accessing your accessed just like any other file you home, you should ask a computing site have saved there. You can usually staffer. They should be able to figure IFS account from a PC is very easy, double-click the file and it will be assuming the computer is working corout any problems and fix you up with opened in an appropriate viewer. Howrectly (which is about 75% of the time). an FTP program (if they recommend After you log into a PC, you should ever sound files cannot be opened since Rapid Filer, run away screaming). see at least four icons on the desktop. campus computing site PCs do not have They are '~Sites NT Workstation", "Resound capabilities. If you have any How Do I Look at an Email cycle Bin", "Click Here to Logout", and trouble with saving an attachment, conAttachment? sult your local computing guru or sites "My IFS Home Directory." If you click on the fourth icon ("My IFS Home Diconsultant - they can usually help In general, your email and IFS acrectory"), a window should open show(though I have seen a few get it wrong). counts are separate. You have seven ing a number of files (the number and megs of storage for your email mesSo remember, since you are paying names of the files you see will vary sages, and ten more megs for your IPS for those ten megabytes of IFS storage depending on machine settings). This account. However, if someone sends is your IFS account. space, you might as well use them. ~ you an attachment in an email, you may have to save it to your IFS account You can now drag and drop files into the window, and they will be availto view it. If the attachment is just text, Ben Rousch is the Web editor of the Reable from whichever computing site or it will usually be automatically disview. If there's ever a war between men and computer you use. You can type half of played below the message. If the atmachines, we're pretty certain that Ben tachment is a picture, sound, or video, a term paper in the Angell Hall comwill turn.us all i!l}l,J !,~~il,' 0.I~C!rgs: . \, . ." ' . puting site, store it in 'your IPS direcPine cann()t d,isplay the attachment, so

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October 7, 1998

o COMPUTERS

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

13

Looks Apen't Everything ' If'l' BY MATTHEW S. SCHWARTZ

A

PPLE HAS ALWAYS BEEN A unique company. While other computers are dull and void of spirit, Macintoshes try to be v~ry friendly to the user. As soon as. one powers up the machine, he is greeted by a smiling face telling him that his Mac is happy and ready to have fun! Macintoshes have also always been able to call themselves the sexiest of the personal computer bunch, with 路their enticing curves and single-button mouse that I like to refer to as the "love button." It therefore c.a me as no surprise when Apple unveiled its latest seduction, the iMac. Standing for Internet Macintosh, the iMac truly looks llkeno other computer you've ever seen. Most computers usually have a big clunky monitor, a desktop case or some sort of tower hOUSing the computer components, and separate speakers that can be placed on either side of the monitor. The iMac has just one blue and white case, which houses the monitor, computer components, and speaker. This greatly reduces the amount of area the computer takes up on a desk. Needless to say, whatever room a student can squeeze out of the small desks in his residence hall is very helpful. The iMachasbeen a fantastic seller, doubling Apple's market share in the space of one month. That's not surprising, considering how important image is in today's world. The best description of the computer I have heard was written in Time magazine, saying that if you're looking for a cute little PC to go with one of those new Volkswagen Beetles, this is the one. Is this the computer for you? I recently got my hands on an iMac, and after playing around with it for a while, I have come to the following conclusion: while it is fast, sexy, and it reeks of cuteness and simplicity, this is not the computer for you. Size Does Matter The iMac is small. It was intended to be small in order to attract those who do not want a large computer. But no matter how much you may have been reassuring yourself for the past however-many-years, size does matter. First of all, the diagonal size of the built-in monitor is only 15 inches, with a viewable area of just 13.8 inches. This may seem fine, until you realize that most of the computers on the market Matt Schwartz is q sophomore in LSA and

astaffwriterfor the Review. He comes into staff meetings exclaiming "May the Schwartz be with YOll!"

" you must "Think Different," don't think IMac. ~ ...,,~;I>

today come with 17- or 19-inch monitors. There are notebooks on the market with larger monitors than the iMacs. What does this mean? It means that as your computing skills grow and you learn to love multitasking, the monitor will start to feel cramped to you. And if you go out and buy a new monitor, you will still be stuck with the old monitor since it is built-in. You can use two monitors with the iMac, but that would defeat the purpose of having a small computer that doesn't take up much space. Also, the computer (and therefore the monitor) doesn't swivel. It's a luxury, yes, but most all other monitors on the market have some sort of swivelcapability. With the iMac, if I move my chair over and want to adjust the monitor, I will have to tum the whole computer, a process which could easily scratch my desk if I'm not careful. Second, the mouse and keyboard are somewhat small and uncomfortable. I am used to large natural keyboards and mice which are perfectly contoured to my hand; the iMac has neither. Sure, you can always buy a new mouse and keyboard, but you are already paying a lot for those that come with the iMac, Third, in order to save internal space, the built-in CD-ROM drive is not motorized. It looks somewhat cheap, like a removable drive one would find on a notebook computer. When I went to eject a CD from the drive, it didn't eject aU the way. It merely popped out a couple inches, and I had to pull the

you paraphrased! Since plagiarism is grounds for expulsion, you quickly bQOt up your friendly iMac in order to fix the mistake. You wait two minutes for everything to load up, you take our your disk, and you 拢ran~cally search for a disk drive but alas! There is none! You had completely forgotten! After all, what computer maker in their right mind would ever leave out the disk drive?! And now, in a drunken stupor, you stumble off to class with your plagiarized paraphrase, and you are expelled. All because of Apple and the iMac with no disk drive. Okay, so this example is a little extreme. But just assuming that every user would be able to transfer his documents between computers over a network is a quite a large mistake on Apple's part. Yes, you can always go out and purchase an external disk drive, but why go out and spend any more money than you are already spending? Going for around $1299, theiMac, while 路 not extremely expensive, is not cheap. And with the introduction of sub-$800 PCS into the market, one should have a really good incentive to purchase this computer. And despite what Apple has been trying to tell you, most computers on the market these days are basically the same. The only thing cool about the iMac is the way it looks. And looks aren't everything. Ml

drive out the rest of the way in order'to remove my CD. It's nothing major, but since that is the only drive on the machine, one would think Apple could motorize it. The only drive on the machine? What is he talking about? No, folks, I haven't Check out the Repje/{"s \Vpb lost it. Apple lost it. In order to shrink Page: thiS computer as much as possible, Apple chose to forego a 3.5 inch disk drive, claiming that no one uses disks www .umieh .vd u/ - 111 I'l' \ ' anymore! And among all the others, this is the number one reason why I You can't read it on the toilet, cannot recommend this computer. I but it's still pretty cool. don't care what Apple's focus groups said, or what their market department claimed, or what their warped engineers beMuddle America / Gorrell & Brookins lieve; a disk drive is ii i .. necessary. ~ .... Let's say you have '" ::: a big term paper due .... g'" tomorrow. You have e been working on it at 5 :; the Angell Hall com"15c: puter lab all day, and at u. about eleven o'clock at night you print it out, put the document on a iii disk, and go back to fJJ ::> your room, content that 拢; your paper is A-quality '0 >:il material. You awake t is the next moming and peruse your paper one last time before class, only .to find that. you. forgot to cite something i

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October 7,1998

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o ESSAY

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By TOM JOLUFFE

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EARMATI:

Greetings from the United States. Those golden-molten days of Spain come to me now and again in the sun's touch and a swcillow of beer, and for a moment I forget that I am here in our infant nation. Perhaps you wear your Michigan oven mitt now, preparing your paella or sausage soup! That you cpuld cook for me now, Mati. On my shelf I see barbaric conditions that make me weep for your 'kitchen. Every day I eat candy bars. You ask what happens here. Our nation's president is an infant, too. In his recent testimony, he tried to explain away his earlier lies by sayihg it all depends on what "is" means. He lies without shame, yet his adult supporters are millions. They say "But he is human! And look what he did for mel" Now standards flee, and that which we called" character" is just some noise. So it is we have another chapter written by the guiltless society. The University has been in session for one month now, and everything is as I remember it. In our loose-fitting jeans we cover ground purposefully, getting to our part-time job after the Calculus class that follows the student group meeting. New students walk eight together looking for night-time diversion, while other new people compete to earn the friendship of folks living in large houses near campus. (They say it is terribly disappointing not to be selected by those people whom you liked so much.) Our American football team is not so disappointing, but it does resemble the fallible squads from two, three, and four years ago. Everybody here says that the championship season last year was something to behold, a once-in-fifty-years sort of thing. Well. Good thing my sister tape-recorded every game. By the.way, I never told you that our University mascot is the Wolverine. This small bear used to live throughout the northern regions, but I guess now they all moved to Canada. It remains summer in Seville, surely. The youth spend nights in the plazas, singing and drinking, and talking, talking, talking. I recall congregating out-of-doors and the vital, glimmering Scores of youngsters along the River Guadalquivir. And that electric Spanish moon! What that moon has seen makes one shiver! Roman, Islamic, and Catholic civilizations left fingerprints for all posterity on the Spanish aspect. Arab tiles mingle with Gothic buttresses right there downtown, right there by McDonald's. The Spanish face is two'millenniums in the"makiag..But

aurton Tower...four hundred years ago. _~ oro-.,,,-

the fact that you can tell an American from one-hundred yards in Europe has nothing to do with physiognomy. It is rather personality, gait, volume, and posture that give us away. Whatever the locale, we feel at home; we are confident if mistaken; assertive if confused; curious if lost. Like you Spanish, we are proud. I bristled when you showed me how to peel my orange. As you know, bristling is a peculiar habit abroad for American students. Touchy about certain issues, we suspect biases and prejudices in innocuous conversation. Words like "race," gender," and "lifestyle" figure heavily in campus polemics; our University urges us to be particularly sensitive to these issues. The problem, Mati, is that we are so eager to admonish frank and earnest speech. When a Spaniard asked if there are many black Americans, the nonsensical American reply was, "Well, a normal amount!" Such is the narrow product of what is called the Politically Correct movement. ' I don't eat oranges much, and microwaveable burritos and tomato soup have replaced your delectable standards. You know, people ask me if I ate a lot of burritos over there; Mati, how can you refrain from smiling when they are confusing the cuisines of two different continents! Anyway, as you can guess, I live in a house now on my own. Well, I do have seven roommates, but not one of those guys has done my laundry or even ironed .it. You really spoiled me, you know." , , II

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Last week saw the annu~ Sfudy Abroad Fair, where those of us who had been in Spain tried to encourage all students able to spend a year elsewhere · to do so. The Fair had information about programs in Chile, France, the United Kingdom, Australia, and Czechoslovakia, among many other locations. You could say that the sun does not set on the Michigan empire, as our university has programs in every comer of the world. Inquiring students asked if grades transfer and how they can sign up. The person who asked "Do you have to live with a family?" deserved the dirty look I gave them. It is exciting to think about these kids making plans to live abroad for a semester or two. At the same time, it makes me jealous. You see their fresh faces knowing that soon enough that they will be assailed with a thousand impressions of a new society. They will miss their homes and think forever about their friends and families, but also will be walking about mouth agape, taking in their new situation, wherever that may be. Well the prospect of graduating is making some seniors nervous, Mati. We are wondering where summer will find us. Will our job pertain to our studies? Have we studied hard enough for our favored post-gx:aduate program to accept us? Will prospective employers a"ppreciate our prior experience and our outfit? To alleviate these worries we get together with friends and consume beer after beer after beer. The . other night! passed out on somebody's •..,.,..""'. .

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car. Mati, I need to stop here. You told me to "be good" when I got home, so I guess that means doing my homework. Here's to a fair autumn, and that you have health! One kiss

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The Review Wags cordially invite you , and one guest to the staff meetings every Tuesday at seven. That is, if you have interest in this publication and you "want in." We are loc'a ted on the third floor of the Michigan League. 647-8438

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SATIRE UNIVERSITY FORM 1998-DIVILCB OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT I:\"S~IRl '(,TIO~S: Sij.!11 "lid I'ompl.- h · II" .. fill III til ilil an',t, ... ;\l HI 1)1 ul1I)lI1\' II'I .. n. I'U' Bl.t (. 1"1,1" tn tl1l" IHtlt"I' of Ilw Pfi'",itlt'llt . n("turn It", ~l~\I/E ,-uP' III !-'IIIIIHII .\fLII ..... Itdulu Ih.· :\1.\1/1-: C"UP' III IUI ,\ , 1("'111'11111 ,' t,I-.· Will TE ('upy 10 .... n .ttll'l·· . ,"n,unnc t h.I' 'uu d on ' I lUI' rh .1' II P \\ 1.1. t I", H Fit ~I': , 'UP, \\ ""'h J.,:IO . · .. 101 I hi' 1,, ·\ (Iffu ,. llw 1.1 .\11-: (illEE~ ("up' l!OI· .. ln UPS. If \ ou eln not \\ .,,11 to fdl out .,"' fil l III. hut .. , al l \\ 1... 11 III til " 1 1 ' 1' 1.11'( ' 11. '!'!IUIl Ilw U,\UK HEUc' oJ"- to I)w Jh·p .II"1I1wrll or Slml"nl .\If .lI,'"' ... o Ih .I' ~IIU 1'; 1" III ' h .I,d, ·d ,I\\ .1\ ' . t l ',UlHII .. t" 111 .- ' t' \\

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Dear President Bollinger, I, am a [circle one: student/faculty member/administrator] at the University of Michigan. I am outraged . at the fact that some obviouSly whiny, oveIprivileged white suburbanites are suing the University just because they were denied admission due to their race. With this in mind, I am in full support of the University'S systematic campaign to discredit and summarily dismiss any studies, findings, news reports, and individuals that happen to bring up the fact that the University is one of the most blatant users of race as a criterion for admission to the University. I gleefully stand behind the campaign of Provost Nancy Cantor, Associate Provost Lester P. Monts. and Law School Dean Jeffrey Lehman to scorn and/or suppress, revile, fear, and detest infonnation, views, and opinions that are contrary to the stated position of the University. I wholeheartedly support diversity at the University of Michigan, by which 1 mean the blatant and arbitrary use of racial preferences in both graduate and undergraduate admissions. 1 strongly feel that the raison d'etre of the University lies in these and other forms of social engineering.l know that you, President Bollinger, have decreed in your Master Campus Plan (Mein Kampus, p. 532 - Ed.) that "Diversity uber alles!" I am in full support with your views and plans to make the University great again. The imperialist Powers that threaten us shall not stop us in our quest! Hence, Mr. President, I urge you to defend affirmative action and the use of racial preferences By Any Means Necessary, lest the antidiversity, anti-University forces strike a blow for that invidious phantasm they call Racial Equality. 1 understand that under such a system, qualified white and Asian-American applicans will be systematically passed over for positions in favor of black and Hispanic applicants with lower levels ofqualification. Though seemingly unfair to all concerned, I believe such a system is necessary, for without it, it is obvious that diversity will be a thing of the past here at the University. To see to it that the burden of the race preference system is distributed fairly, I hereby state that I, as a [circle one: white/Asian) person will gladly pay the same cost that race preferences place on other white:> and Asians, especially past and future applicants to the University. For this reason, I am infonning you that 1 am willing to vacate my position as a [circle one: student/faculty member/administrator) so that a suitable black or Hispanic person can replace me, contributing to your glorious program of diversity here at the University.

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I understand that if I fail to sign this fonn, but continue to support the practice and implementation of racial preferences in hiring, . DATE . admissions, and other areas, I am a guiltless hypocrite, a shirker of duty, a weak-willed individual, and general troublemaker that enjoys / / m u the benefits of your Master Plan for Diversity but refuses to pay the price that must be paid. ,. ....- L::::=====::::'..L-lMlMIDlli1w!L.J .'

Jjy signing this fonn, I hereby grant the University pennission to replace me with a black or Hispanic person.l am willing to continue my [circle one: studies/teaching/meddling] at an educational institution of lower caliber - even if it means Eastern Michigan - for the altruistic pUIpose of promoting greater racial hannony and diversity. Please infonn me as soon as my replacement is found. All Hail Bollinger!

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FOR OFFICE USE 'ONLY! '. DO NOT WRITE IN THIS SPACEFORANY REASON WIiATSOEVERI Atte~tion OfficeStaft': ,

ATTENTION STUDEl'ff FILER!

Some general background information maybe needed. You may, as a result of your unique qualifications to the Administration, BE EXEMPT from your patriotic duty.

Describe, in fifty words or less, and using the phrases "oppression," "conservatives," and "phallocentric," why whites are inherently fascist.

Are you (circle all that apply): • An angry white law student? • Editor of The Michigan Daily? • EdilAlrial Page Editor of The Michigan Daily? • A columnist at The Michigan Daily? (Note! Certain columnists, due to their poor writing skills, may be instead transferred to The University Record instead of the New Code Gulag, under New Code Proviso 43.12.B (see Directive of Student Affairs Vice President Maureen Hartford, 1113198) • A political agitator? • Feeling guilty? • Feeling guilty, white, and liberal? • A suburbanite? • The owner ofa Jeep Cherokee or other Sport Utility Vehicle? • A regular reader of The Nation? • Owner of at least four ready-made protest placards?" , ,. .

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Describe in fifty words or less, your apology for: • White racism (or that of Asian storeowners) • Anglo racism (or that of Orange County residents) • American Indians suffering from five hundred years of imprisonment, oppression, and enslavement by the English, French, Dutch, Spanish, Russians, Americans, and other groups that probably had something to do with it,

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Use the Monty Pyth(ui ph.-ase, "F.o ur Ws and a Silent Q!" to describe how your superior '" oppressed you infilling outt~ forrilby unduly using his power inherent in the superior-subordiriate relationship.

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Apologize for oppressing the blind, mute, deaf, and hard of hearing, In addition, explain why fat people should be a "protected group" under American discrimination law. Respond in Braille or pantomime (if pantomime, take precautions to ensure you do not get trapped inside an imaginary box!)

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ATTN: Office of the AssociateAssi~i Deputy Under Vice PreSident for In~octrinatioi:t and , . . .' , MulticulturaliSm

• East Rutherford, NJ • Windsor, ONT • Tupeio,MS • Lorton, VA (administered by Wash D.C; Department of Corrections)

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Bulls: Fr;actured Dynasty

By ANDREW GOLDING

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HEY HA VE WON SIX championships, but, as the old adage says, all good things must come to an end. For the Chicago Bulls, . that time maybenow, as Roland Lazenby suggests in his probing look at the splintering of the team, Blood on the Horns: 111e

Long Strange Ride of Michael Jordan's Chicago Bulls.. Lazenby spares no words in explaining why such a harmonious group has

tJ3fooa on tfie :Horns Roland Lazenby $22.95 dissipated into a collection of warring factions: 'The insecurities ofJerry Krause. Then again, if I had to answer what caused the Bulls to be built into six-time world champions, the answer - right after the words MichaelJordan and Scottie Pippen - would be the insecurities of Jerry Krause." , The Bulls General Manager, Krause is a central figure in the book, but more importantly, a polarizing, "brusque" character. He is not likeable, but under-

o SPORTS s

ANYONE IN THE SPORTS world still wondering who deserved the Heisman trophy last year? I hope not. If someone from Knoxville still claims that Peyton Manning was most deserving of the honor, show him the play of the 1998 Michigan squad. Without doubt, the current Wolverines have put the whole matter to rest. However bittersweet it is, Michigan fans can take solace in knowing that they were right all along at' to who was last year's college football MVP. The defending national chi-.tnpions have certainly struggled in the early going. What is most alarming perhaps to the Michigan fans was the manner in which the Wolverines lost their first two games. The defense (of all the units!) was embarrassed by two optkn quarterbacks. Against Notre Dame, costly turnovers in the third quarte .. led to mental breakdowns on defenst·. As for Syracuse, it seemed the Wo.verines never even stood a chance. Conovan McNabb and the skill position 'players of Syracuse simply dominated the game. So, where does that leave the Wolverines as the Big Ten s,:hedule kicks into high-gear? What 1 lust be improved and solidified? ". One crucial area of the Wolverine ,'"

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the bathroom. Scottie was lying down, and Michael asked to be taken out of the game. And he never asks that, or very rarely," explains John Ugmanowski, the Bulls' equipment manager. Similarities between Blood on the Horns and Sam Smith's 1992 Bulls tome, T1!eJordan Ru1es,havebeennoted and are justifiable. Both extensively explore jordan's personality, though Lazenby paves new ground with his reporting on jordan's sense of humor, described by his teammates as worthy of registration as a lethal weapon. "Most of us are pretty straight forward and easy to figure out," explains teammate Steve Kerr. "He's not easy to figure out at times." • In a charity basketball game, Jordan called.a teammate "not black enoughfl afterhemissed a layup, "deeply offending" the amateur player. • Jordan and reserve Scott Burrell exchanged playful barbs on the team bus, until Jordan remarked that "We're gonna trade your sorry ass back to Golden State for Dickey Simpkins." • During the 1997 playoffs, Jordan ripped into Krause and" absolutely killed him," according to one observer. Jordan

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joked about Krause's rotund figure, previous draft mistakes, and fishing skills. "It'sB.Y.o.P.BringYourOwnPole.Don't worry. If we don't catch anything, you can just eat the bait yourself." • Upset with the drafting of forward Horace Grant in 1987, Jordan said to Krause: "What the hell? You took that dummy!?" "And for years, he called Horace dummy. To his face. Dummy. Right to his face. Unbelievable," says Krause. While reading Blood on the Horns, one must consider the sources for the book. After all, certain characters such as Jackson and Jordan come off poorly, while others like Krause and Reinsdorf receive complimentary treatment overall. The Chicago Sun-Times speculated on this subject, noting that "Phil Uackson] was suspicious from day one about the extraordinary access Reinsdorf and Krause were granting Lazenby, in the locker room, on buses, at the Berto [team practice facility], just as Michael was. There's something fishy going on here." How fitting. After 273 pages of squabbles,infighting,andchildishdisputes, the book itself is the Subject of debate. People are just so complicated. l\R

Critical Mass for the Wolverines

By HAL BORKOW

I

standable. Among the tidbits involving Krause, Jordan, and Coach Phil Jackson which titillate and confound the reader: • Jordan and Jackson's anger at Krause for using the team toilet before games, an apparent violation of implicit team rules regarding the king's Jordan's - throne. • Jordan'snear-signingwith the New York Knicks in 19%. Jordan would have signed for a small base salary with the Knicks, but a mega-million dollar personal services contract which would have neared the one-year, $30 million deal he subsequently signed with the Bulls. • Dennis Rodman received $8 million for his wrestling foray during the NBA Finals, as part of a multi-event contract. "If you had a chance to give up $10,000 to make $8 million, would you do it?" Rodman asks. • The entire team mistakenly consumed Gator Lode - a drink with the carbohydrate level of baked potatoesinstead of Gatorade during Game 4 of the Finals against the Utah Jazz. Ahead most of the contest, the drink took its toll in the 4th quarter when the players felt the 'Lode, literally. "Dennis had to go to

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The Michigan defense shut out the Spartan offense in the second half, and controlled the tempo of the game. Simply put, there is no quarterback in the Big Ten with the same caliber athletic ability as McNabb. The Michigan defense proved that with their spirited if fruitless attempts at sacking him. For the most part, the Big Ten quarterbacks are pocket passers. Maybe these are the teams Michigan needs to play in order for the defense and the pass-rush to be successful. Whatever the case, the Michigan defense must pass-rush fuis season like it did in the second half against Michigan State. A good passrush will cover flaws in the secondary and undoubtedly create turnovers as well. As for the Michigan offense, Michigan fans must not forget that it was an inconsistent unit in 1997. It is a testament to the greatness of last year's defense that Michigan was able to go undefeated, as turnovers plagued the offense against Iowa and Notre Dame. And, an inability to move the ball on the ground in the second half nearly cost the Wolverines last year's game against the Buckeyes. The '98 Michigan pffense must cope with key losses at quarterback, fullback, tailback, and center, among other positions. If there's one thing Michigan fans

game is its pass-rush. The 1998 Wolverines have missed both Charles Woodson and Glen Steele more than they could have ever realized. Woodson's aggressive and physical coverage allowed the Wolverines to blitz its linebackers and safeties like mad-dogs in '97. Steele managed to lead the Wolverines in sacks last year, saving his best performance for the biggest game of the year, against Ohio State. In that game, Steele recorded three sacks, including one on the Buckeyes' final series of downs. But consider: as good as the Michi,.. gan pass rush was last year, they were doing it without David Bowens, the sack leader for the '96 Wolverines. Despite the loss of Bowens, the '97 Wolverine defense found players capable of stepping up as pass-rushers. Likewise, the '98 Michigan defense is capable of creating its own identity, and it doesn't have to be as thoroughly dominating as the '97 Michigan defense. But for the season to be salvaged, it does have to keep Michigan in all of its games. In Michigan's first three contests the defense recorded only two sacks. Against the Spartans however, it was born-again, as were the Wolverines. Michigan tripled their season sack total from two to six, as they recorded four against Bill Burke (the stiffest quarterback in the state ~d Scott Mitchell).

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ask of Lloyd Carr, it is that he not follow the Ohio State model and rotate Brady and Henson depending on which player has the hot arm. It would be extremely difficult for Tom Brady to function at his highest level if he has to look over his shoulder every time he goes threeand-out. This is not to say that Carr can't go with youth and play Henson full-time. What's important is that Carr stick to one quarterback for the whole season. Brian Griese succeeded last year not because he had amazing ability, but because he had the respect of his teammates. Their support allowed Griese to play with tremendous confidence and poise the entire season. For either Brady or Henson to be successful in 1998, one of them needs to know that he is the leader of the offense. I would be foolish to claim to know which quarterback is further along in his development. The Michigan coaches are the ones qualified to answer that question. But if Coach Carr wants to get the best results from either quarterback, he must play either Brady or Henson full-time. The truth is that Michigan was not the most talented team in college foot-

Please see FOOTBALL on page 17

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,~.:! MI CHIGAN REVIEW LIVING CULTURE

[ October7,1998

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Football continued from page 16 ball last year. The Wolverines succeeded because of spectacular team chemistry and one player that comes along in college football about every decade. The Buckeyes have had more pure talent than the Wolverines have had the past three years. But on the gridiron Michigan has come out on top because they know that talent alone does not win football games. Tenacity, heart, and performance under big-game pressure are just as important. The Buckeyes will be waiting for: the Wolverines in Columbus. At that point in the year the maize-and-blue faithful can only hope that Michigan football is ready for the challenge. Although Michigan has struggled out of the gate, the heart of the Big Ten schedule awaits the Wolverines. It should be noted that the last time Michigan started 0-2 was in 1988. Michigan rebounded that year and won the Big Ten. They topped off the year by defeating USC in the Rose Bowl. This is proof that Michigan can rebound and have a successful year. To do that, this 1998 team must find new leaders, and forge its own identity. Michigm football will succeed or fail this seC!son depending on how ready its players are to step up to this task. Mt

Two Vital Cogs in the Wolverine Offensive Machine: Jerame Tuman and 'Anthony Thomas m

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Octobet" 7. 1998

.o Music A Proposition from the Music Editor By CHRIS HAYES

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Hayden and Juliana Hatfield playing at the Seventh House last week. HopefullY'some of you, or at least one of you, took my sage advice and checked out the show. Hayden started his set with an acoustic solo of "Hardly," a song about semi-obsession for a girl at a coffee shop. The rest of his set consisted of himself and three other band members playing in perfect harmony; combining drums, bass, electric guitar and an occasional keyboard to produce the textures Hayden dabbled in so successfully on his second record. Hayden played for fifty minutes, leaving the audience with a full realization that Hayden is as talented and diverse at his live shows as he is in the studio. He ended his set with an emotionally charged "September," his most rocking tune off of Everything I Long For. I was so sure that I was going to do a full article on Hayden's and Juliana Hatfield's sets that I started writing the piece in my mind before Juliana even started playing. Having seen Juliana perform before, I figured that if she played as strongly again, I would have no problem writing a very positive review of the concert. However, when Juliana began her set, I suddenly had a realization and change of mind that told me I couldn't do that article. It was not because Juliana's set was lackingit was better than it was when I saw her earlier this year - but because her band sounded tighter and she play~d a more eclectic set, limiting songs from her new album Bed (which is quite good) to five or six. Instead of spending a page on a review of a show, I would rather offer a proposition to some members of the audience as well as some potential audience members. Who and what I am referring to are the large number of men who go to shows to see performers such as Juliana Hatfield play live. So, women who aren't interested in what I have to say can stop reading, because this most likely does not apply to you. Obviously, I am not condemning those of the male gender that would see Juliana Hatfield perform, because then I would be guilty of major hypocrisy. I only request honesty with yourself about why you are going to the show. Those of you who can sincerely say that you appreciate her for her musical talent, you can stop reading, too; this proposition does not apply to you either. I hope to see you at her next show. I am now speaking to all the rest of you who listen to her mu~ic and go to her show because you t:hffik she is hot

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and believe that going to her shows might, by some star-crossed chance miracle, get you in bed with her. Obviously there are different degrees of severity in this pathetic mentality, but you all know who you are. You are the ones who scream at the top of your lungs "Juliana!" as if she were a topless dancer coming onto stage. You are the ones who desperately try to peer down her shirt when she leans over to pick up her guitar. You then follow it up with a very respective "I'd tap that," in your friend's ear ashe sucks back his beer that he has either nicknamed Liquid Confidence or The Old Leg-spreader. I am also speaking to the poor sap who decidedto bring a laser pointer to the show and did not have enough control of his pointer to keep it from shining on Juliana's breasts for the first couple of songs. Yet the most common violation of my devised code is the "I love you Juliana, are you available?" that comes from every comer of the club every couple of minutes. Yes, Juliana is hot. I would not be a heterosexual male if I could not make that observation. I am not discouraging you from having those thoughts. Have

Juliana wants you ...to be civil.

them all you want. In fact, I am willing to help all of you out as part of my proposition. What I am willing to do is this: I have numerous black and white photos of numerous artists lying around my office. It is one of the benefits of writing for a paper. Among these pictures are a few of Juliana Hatfield. listen closely, here is where it gets good. I am willing to photocopy one for each of you that is interested. I will blow it up to llx17 for you, shrink it down to wallet size, whatever you want. I will even give you two or three in case you lose one. Please don't limit the possibilities strictly to Juliana Hatfield, either. Janet Jackson, Fiona Apple, the girl from the Cardigans, Heather Nova, and even Madonna, are all in my reach. And yours too. I will not ask questions about their use. That is up to you and your imagination. All it will take is an email to me atchayes@umich.edu and you will have a new photo collection of all the beautiful women in music. Now here is what I ask for in retum. Come on, don't think I was offering all this because of your good character. Remember, if you fit any of the above descriptions, you have no character. All I ask is that you take the photos and hide. You must promise never to come to a Juliana Hatfield show ever again. You must not go to any concert where you find anyone in the band attractive. The list includes, but is not limited to: Hole, Garbage, Liz

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We have Janet, too. Phair, Mazzy Star, and the Sundays. You most likely are getting very upset right now, but I believe this is a small price to pay since you aren't going to listen to their music, anyway. You now can holler and whistle and grope Juliana and friends in the privacy of your own home. What more can you ask for? Remember, these women are there to perform and play the music they love. They don't want to be whistled at and have beers raised to their looks. Go to Rick's or Touchdown's, that is the more appropriate environment. Thank you and I hope to hear from you soon.Ml.

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vol_17_no_2  

vol_17_no_2