MAJOR FOVEAUX’S CRINKUM CRANKUM This hell-fire Major cusses me with devilry, calls me Hell-hag; when e’s less fiery-tempered, then its ‘mort’ or ‘bat’ or ‘baggage’. His name? Foveaux, a right whoremonger, makes me skin crawl E’d threaten to buss me rump n truss me up to them dread Triangles Thursday nights on Norfolk, us trollops perform in the barracks Dances of the Mermaids where the sojers swarm with rum or arrack Foveaux pisses hisself seein how us molls swoon and fret n turn white so fearful iz us to spare the pain n blushes that we must bare our privates Yeah, e’s goatish. Iz joy iz curryin hide n threatens any piece o’ mutton or means to break a lance with a bit o hair or bit o’ muslin I’d wish one day ter see im dance upon nothin, big peepers poppin out iz tongue too. I’d dash iz brains, lash iz buttocks n smack iz foul mouth Coz us molls shrink like mice, he’d make whores of us wenches, one n all shiverin with fear afore the goggle-eyed coves and cracking cat o nine tails One of us naked morts is always trussed up to the triangle with dread As the mad dog flogger fingers iz tails and whips yer flesh to mess o blood I’m no flash piece o mutton, but knows in me heart the slow burn of dander dancin naked n jigglin afore this braggart bully, this ogling Pandar When Major Bawd orders, ‘Gill-flirts, wiggle-wiggle! Let’s see some scut!’ a sinister smile curls iz lips when he realises our agony, our fear o the rut Fuddled and pickled, the devil to pay, our line o tarts begins to sway Then wiggle navels n act hot-arsed else Major Bawd’d flail away ‘Take the starch out o reg’lars n lags! Stoke the embers and inflame the lads!’ cries that gloating blackguard Foveaux, the Devil’s bodyguard, egad! Or iz larruping mad-dog flogger, iz lickspittle, would lay yer back open leavin it quiverin a bloody mess o’ switches, weals, stings n lacerations Remember lurchin at sea nine months? Flyin the red flag reg’lar, more sicknin than flyin from the redcoats with their own rector of the women prickin Michael Small July 12-July 26, 2018
Joseph Foveaux (1767-1846), born and died in England, was a competent soldier and administrator in colonial New South Wales. In 1800 he offered to serve as Lieutenant Governor on Norfolk Island, where his reputation was more questionable.