Inside out

How many days now?

A naked man wanders into my room and begins rummaging through my drawers. I stare at him. He turns to me. His eyes are empty, as if they aren’t used for seeing at all. He scratches his chest and leaves. A nurse catches him in the hallway, takes him by the arm, and guides him back to his room.

I reach beneath my mattress and pull free a crumbling Valium, carefully enfolded in a bit of paper. I need to quiet my restless mind.

How many days? Does it matter? I am not normal. I am clearly insane and always have been. They won’t be letting me out of here any time soon…

I am afraid, and I am alone. *** Though seldom aware of my emotions, I do realize when I am afraid and when I am not afraid. I know when I like the way I’m feeling and I know when I do not.

I’ve also learned what I’m supposed to be feeling, and how to act accordingly. I’ve become quite skilled at faking emotions. Because of this, much of my life has been a well-meaning lie. I don’t know where the truth ends and a lie begins. I do not like the way this makes me feel.

The world is a frightening and confusing place, particularly for someone with autism. As a society, we claim to value honesty. However, people seldom appreciate the truth. You are expected to say what others want to hear, and think and feel only what is deemed appropriate. From birth on, society grooms us to be players in a complex and empty game, to know the truth, yet spin an intricate web of half-truths and little white lies. The autistic mind frequently resists participation in this charade. I’ve always felt like the only kid at the puppet show who can see the strings. If I insist on pointing them out, I am shunned and ridiculed. I’ve never played well with others, and I don’t have much common sense. Albert Einstein, who many speculate to have been autistic, once said, “Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.”

When someone speaks to me of their emotions, I pretend to understand, and respond as I’ve been trained to. I think of all I’ve learned about the human brain, and try to discern that person’s neurological state. I can’t quite grasp the meaning of “happy” or “sad,” though I do understand the chemical elevations and