The American
Top Tips for Newcomers Veteran Expat Carol Gould finds plenty to wind her up
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could entitle this ‘The Things That Make Me Crazy.’ Having lived in Great Britain for 33 years there are aspects of life here that will never change; here are tips for folks new to the island kingdom. 1. Do not expect a glass of water and a friendly Doris-the-diner waitress with coffee jug in hand when you enter an eatery. Whether it is a five-star restaurant or a ‘greasy caff ’ you will maybe get a menu from a-usually-grumpy-serverwho-almost-always-is-not-British. You will need to ask for water two or three times and won’t be offered coffee until the end of the meal (when the water finally arrives). Don’t ask for refills unless you plan to re-mortgage your home. 2. London is tough if you are handicapped. At present most London underground and train stations do not have disabled access. You may have to mount flights of steps to get to the next level. Many rural train stations have steep stairs up to a footbridge. Some tube stations require the long march to China to get from one line to another. If you are wheelchair-bound you will not get too far in this city. 3. Don’t expect folks to smile back if you smile at them; Londoners are not the chirpiest of species. However this is not evidence of malice.
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4. Most black cabbies are irritable and talk on their hands-free mobiles whilst you are screaming ’HEY, CAN I GET OUT HERE?’ Do not be shocked by cabbies who spend your entire ride shouting into the cellphone: ‘The f--ing c--- told me to f-- off .. etc. Bus drivers seemmostly straight out of Wandsworth Prison and will glare at you even if you just say Hi. My local drivers in Washington call me ‘sugar pie’ and ‘doll face.’ That will NEVER happen here. 5. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT talk to people. The Brits hate it. I was coming home from a business trip and tried to chat up three people sitting at my dining table in the train. All three looked at me as if I was Laura the Lunatic and each raised a newspaper to block me out. In restaurants don’t talk to the folks at the next table; they will ask to be moved to a different location. 6. If you are Jewish or just like Jewish cuisine do not expect to readily find knishes, latkes, kugel, haimishe pickles, Old Vienna gefilte fish or matjes herring in any old café; the Jews were expelled in 1290 and though some came back since, Yiddishkeit is not part of the culture.
7. Register with an NHS (National Health Service) doctor’s practice; be sure you have a letter from an employer or university stating you are resident here for at least a year. 8. British physicians are usually pale and near-death; they listen to you for thirty seconds then their eyes glaze over because they have not slept for three days having seen 600 patients on the trot. If you want the undivided attention of an American-style doctor ask your local chemist (pharmacy) for a list of private General Practitioners. 9. The Princess Grace Hospital in Nottingham Place W1 has an excellent emergency department, $170 for initial consultation. St Mary’s Hospital in Paddington is one of the best NHS A&E (Accident and Emergency) departments in central London. 10. You can only get Egg Nog at Selfridges. Good luck! ★ Next time: It’s not all horror-stories! In her next article, Carol tells all about the things in Britain that she loves.
Tell us what you love or hate about living in the UK – email editor@theamerican.co.uk