NBB1333 by Weeklys

‘Every parent should educate herself and know the difference between Gryffindor and Slytherin.’ PARE NTING P21 What Do I Do with This Kid All Day? PARENTING P17

What I Like to Eat, By A Baby DI N ING P 11

Shielding Your Children from Kenny G MUS IC P 2 9

Rhapsodies & Rants p6 The Paper p9 Dining p11 Wineries p14

Swirl p15 Cover Feature p17 Culture Crush p26 Stage p27

Music p29 A&E p33 Classiﬁed p39 Astrology p39

LAGU LA AAGGU GUN UNITITA TAS AS BR BR BRE RE EWIN WIIN W NG CO NG COM C COMP OM O OMP MPA MP PAN PANY ANY

PE PETA ETALU TA T ALU AL A LU L UM UMA MA A, C CA AL AL ALI ALIF LIF IF F.. F WW W WWW WW W W..LLAG W. AGU AGUN A GUN G GU UNIT U IT TA AS AS.C A AS. S.C C CO COM OM O M

5 NO RTH BAY BO H E M I AN | AUGUST 14–20, 201 3 | BOH E MI A N.COM

nb BEWARE THE BIFF

If your kid is looking for the best skatepark around, look no further than St. Helena.

I drive drive mostly mostly back k roads roads o far fa ar from from the lights in the part part of the night nig ght just ahead of the dawn. da aw wn. It is a world world between betwee en wor lds, maybe the upper or maybe m the lower worlds, world. You but me,, the inter intersection wor ld. Y ou o could argue arrg gue about about which which is which, which, b ut ffor o or me rssection of a three a.m. sanctuary. where back rroad o oad and thr ree e a. m. is a sa anctuarry. A vvector e ector w herre no God d rules rules and a man can move move ffreely. re eely. Just Just like lik ke this morning, morning, far fa ar from frro om the visual stench sttench of eastbay rrefineries ef efineries i gas station sta ation t lasers, lasers,, I saw sa aw the new new comet low in the northeastern nor n theastern sky, sk ky, and gas pure alone.. It had stolen the sky starss tha that centuries only pur re and alone e sk ky ffrom rom o lesser star at ffor o or ce enturies had onl y drive through and later too carelessly carelessly occupied the spot. spott. I dri ve on thr ro ough this scene an nd la ater t past ffour our o ba by skunks skunk ks w ho ar e ffollowing o ollow a parentt iinto t ttraffic. f c P ast a the dee er-lik ke str re eet ffolk olk o baby who are Past deer-like street caught for f a moment in my headlights, past dark houses and b blinding linding semi's. T hrro ou all of this stuff I am driving, and although I am tired of driving, iving, I keep ke eep my my Through ey yes e on the road. The tank is on empty, but I never stop to refill. Maybe aybe ybe I'll pull eyes o ve and rest, if I can just get over this hill. I'm sick and tired of driving. g When, When, over af fte t you roll past the detritus of some poor son-of -bitch's bad judg-ment in the after ffast a as lane, in the dark, alone with the man, and bleeding to death in red and b lue blue moonbeams, d ht don't you have to wonder if the repo-man from the movie was right w hen he said th w when that 'the more you drive, the stupider you become'? So how is it now th e'rre all o or that we're out here together, dedicated road warriors, driving, jockeying for th hole-shot and no one is certain where to or where from. Grinding down the the whole-shot, shar p edg e of our I.Q.'s like the disintegrated retreads we dodge g in the lanes. anes. sharp edge Until I hear different, difffe h nd on I'll meet you in the number one lane when I have to, and the narrow narro ow back k roads when I can. Out here, far from the lights..."I ." have come ome to this edg e tonight for a reason". She thought as she stepped overr the scupper per and edge onto the brick kk ne wall. Twelve stories up and there would be no n mistak ke a bout knee mistake about it As if in a dr it. re ea her center of gravity moved out and over err the edg e of the dream, edge b uilding. T he ligh d together to ogether with the building. The lights of the taxis and busses below swirled rreflections ef eflections l in the wet pavement and the figures of New w Y e ears Ev ve rrevelers eve elerrs Years Eve par ty-bound ffor or o ch e, the e onl y sound she party-bound champagne. Above this noisy street scene, only could hear was was the th satiny rush of air by her ears as she slipped ed past pa ast the 11th floor windows. She se mell of the air and seemed to be falling slower as she took in the sm smell the beauty of the th lights. A peculiar lightness came over her and nd all of the weight tha at had pressed prresse e d to t floating. floa l atting. Dying that on her seemed lifted from her. Falling turned became living. living. Some-thing resembling regret came to her now ow w as she almost ho ove ered by by the lonely old guy's window in 7D. She had never actually ually met him and hovered now wished sh m and ffaced ms a aced the she had. Slowly, she stretched out her long pale arms wor ld below for a moment, and then turned towards the stars. Slowly, Slowly, she rrose ose world up pwarrd. d Lightness Lig i upward. turned to stillness as she lofted back past the clothes hung out a att apt 9A, and then to optimism as she passed the flowered boxes outside of 11C. H er ar ms still outstretched, she looked back down at the New Years Ev ve scene and Her arms Eve laughed out loud. Her hair played in silly curls around her face and d jo oy str reamed e joy streamed down he wall a roofs her cheeks. Her toes gently touched back onto the knee wall att the roofs edg e. Eyes Ey ye closed and smiling, she wrapped herself in her err own ar ms and edge. arms squeez ed until she felt herself returning at last. Down from om th he rroof oof now and squeezed the ffalling a alling a wak ke, she turned turned over ove er in n her bed and smiled. She knew knew this t would be the awake, last time me she would have ha avvve a e this dr ream e fa fa alling Falling alling. g again again n now w, this time dream of falling. now, as sleep, she s the pictur ed the faces face es of every eve verry y person perso on n she had ever ev eve verr known known and vowed d asleep, pictured to o dream drre eam m a new new dream drre eam of life liffe e fo ffor o a lif or fe e in the ne ew y earr.. It ha ad be een another long g life new year. had been day d y.. H e leaned l k too fa ffar ar in th e chair r, daring De estin e ny y to tak ke eh him m ov o ver back ve kw warrd d. day. He back the chair, Destiny take over backward. S he didn n and he smiled having n't, ha avving g cheated chea atted her one e last time. time. He He didn't d know it, but but She didn't, know itt would dn't be his last oppor tunitty to do so bef fo orre e the sun re rreturned etu urrne ed from frro om the other othe er wouldn't opportunity before si ide of the t world world to char him all a over ove ver again. again. He He stood up p an nd d went w to the book k side and cl loset at at the opposite end of th he ro rroom. oom. He ope en ned the stai nlesss steel door and d closet the opened stainless e ntered d the access code. code. Once Once in nside he closed th he door behind h behind him h and made hiss entered inside the w ay to the the rear re rear compartment. compartment. He He lifted lifftted his hand nd chest c high, to fe ffeel ee el way hand,, palm out an and ffor or the Bio-I. or Bio B io-II.D. D. pad pad tha att would a a allow him allow him, and onl on nly him him, to e enter nt nterr the inner cham Bio-I.D. that only cham-be er w here the article article t atten at nttiion tonight lay on a luminous b lue pad. Sta anding ber where of his attention blue Standing in n front fro fr ront of the article arrticle a person person iss quickly quickly taken tak ke en by by the sense off mass it conveys co onvve o ey ys despite espite its modest mode est siz e It is insi e. ide of a rrectangular ide e ectangular bo ox of a boutt 14 inches a bout acr crrro os oss o size. inside box about across and nd 8 inchess deep p. T he box h b bo oxx is i made ma ade d off a metallic material ma matterial i l but but a closer cllloser look l k rreveals eve ev vea eals deep. The e of an a almost fl fleshy y metaliz ed fi ffilm ilm w with a ffine iine por re e--lik ke e te exxture to o it. it to be made fleshy metalized pore-like texture He has ne ve ve er ope ened it and mos st other ho k no ow of its e o xiste ence hope tha att he h He never opened most otherss w who know existence that neve er will. ill Itt iis said i tto contain id t i th h LLaw, he aw, or something thiing g lik ke the LLaw. aw. w. At At fir st thought, thoug ght never the like first kn nowing the actual te exxt xt o of th he LLa h aw would seem aw m to ma ake ak e the mea aning of lif fe e her re knowing text the Law make meaning life here n Earth Earth clearer clearre er and possibly po osssibly even eve ven purposeful. purposeful. However, Howe eve verr,, after a long argu-ment, argu-men nt, on ome off the th world's world ld's greatest ld's grea gr ea atttest te estt thinkers tthi k think ke e errs concluded conclu l ded d d ye y ears ago ear ago that tha th ha att given give gi ve en human h huma some years na atture, knowledge knowledge of the true true nature natur na t re of the Law, Law, no matter ma attter what wha hat it was, was, would nature, quickly rrender ender life liffe as we ha ave k nown it, meaningless. Onl y cha aos and suf fffering quickly have known Only chaos suffering e esult. N ow w, af ftter decadess of ste w-arrd dship of the LLaw, aw, he e had determined determined could rresult. Now, after stew-ardship se of action and tonight and no man or petty tyr ra ant would wou uld k eep e him ffrom ro om his cour course tyrant keep ro ondesvous with destiny. destiny. He e closed his eyes ey yes e and removed re emove ed the t lid, setting it his rondesvous aside. H e opened his eyes ey ye es and squinted s at the glare glarre from from the article. arrticle. He reached re eached aside. He at adled it in n his palms, and lif fted t it out of th he bo ox. x Holding it in with both hands, cr cradled lifted the box. ushed it up an nd down a gainst his shir e it up a bit bef for ore in one hand, he br brushed and against shirtt to shine before raising it to his fface. a ace. Opening his his mouth slightly slightly and wetting hiss lips, he placed it raising ent ro ont teeth and, with w a wet crunching crunching sound, bitt a noisy tang between his ffront tangent thrro ough the article article and chewed. chewed d. Sensing a ffamiliar a amiliar fflavor lla avor v spr re eading acr oss his through spreading across tha at; t Yes, Ye es, sometimes an apple is just an apple. apple. tongue he decided that;