9 minute read
Mid-life
Good Vibes
Sex and Kink after 50
BY MICHAEL GIOTIS
Iam standing in the back of Spice Sensuality Boutique in Rohnert Park watching assistant manager Sarah Hutchinson unpack and tag cases of product.
“What kind of things are you processing right now?” I ask.
“Lubricants and condoms,” she replies, wry tone.
“That great old combo,” I add, straight faced
“Yep, gotta have all that good stuff,” she smiles.
If you travel along the 101 corridor in Sonoma County, you are bound to be familiar with the provocative billboard for Spice. The playfully sensual ads featuring handcuffs and the like are designed to get one thinking. And considering the prime placement along rush hour and weekend traffi c, a lot of you have had a thought or two cruising past. Ever wonder what your partner next to you also thought? All you need to do is ask, experts I spoke with say.
“Communication and negotiation are key components to pleasurable BDSM play. This ensures partners have the chance, and responsibility, to express their desires and learn what is exciting for their partner(s). The rewards are increased intimacy, new experiences, and (often) giggles!” according to Dr Celina Criss, a private sex coach focused on sexual expression and BDSM. “BDSM” stands for Bondage, Domination, Sadism, Masochism for you “vanilla” folks. Wait, let’s rewind…
Sexual self discovery often comes at a later stage in life. People entering their 50s — as I will in months — or » »
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«« find themselves single or dating in their 60s+ face challenges, but also can become more open to explore and learn about themselves and their partners.
Mature self-discovery might look like: playing with toys to bring one’s self to orgasm without guilt, exploring polyamory or swinging with your partner, learning what kinks turn you on and how to share in other’s kinky fantasies, and even just learning to talk openly about these things.
CARE FOR YOUR KINKY SELF
“Kink is an excellent opportunity for sexual expression and connection at any stage of sexual maturity, but especially after 50,” Dr Criss noted in an email interview. “With a focus on intentional imbalances of power or control, sharing intense sensations, and the opportunity for role play, BDSM offers a wide variety of possibilities that don't depend on physical responses such as erection, lubrication, or stamina. BDSM isn't necessarily all whips and chains -- it can also be sensual and intellectual. Sometimes the mind games are the best part!”
Mmm, mind games. Like that time your partner teased you over dinner but when you got home you took your loving revenge in the bedroom. Or kitchen. Workbench? For sure.
YOU DO YOU
Of course, self-discoverers do not always have a partner. I ask Hutchinson, “What about somebody who is like, ‘Whoa, I’m 55 or 60 and I’m alone, what’s out there?’” It turns out, often these explorers are women.
“We see a lot of women who come in and they’ve been married for most of their life and whether their partner has passed or moved on, they’re finally getting into self-discovery,” she says, adding, “[Many] haven’t got to experience a regular orgasim. They’ve just been used to getting what they’ve been given.” Literally. “It’s nice to see that they are more open to talking about it now, because it used to be very quiet, you know? People wouldn’t [discuss sex] much.”
Given the possibility that we will repeat the response of the roaring 1920s to the 1919 flu pandemic and forge our own promiscuous decade, a whole new world of possibilities could open up. For those of us finding ourselves in a new and later stage of life, this could be our chance to live the fantasy, when for the last 2 years, we’ve been living the nightmare. 50 miles south of Spice is the San Francisco institution — and my Valentine's Day go-to — Good Vibrations. I reached out to Dr Carol Queen, staff sexologist and curator of the unique and excite-frightening Antique Vibrator Museum to ask how sexual activity might look as things open up.
While noting that we are living through a period of conservatism, “[the pandemic] has been such a shake-up that I'm sure there will be new explorers … and that absolutely includes over-50 folks,” said Queen. “There will be some divorced and widowed people who've had this on their bucket list; some couples who got adventurous during the pandemic and are waiting for more adventures to explore; and some who will really feel the hand of the passing years on their shoulder now and who will want to break out of their shells.”
“In my time exploring Bay Area sexy culture, there have been over-50 folks everywhere,” she added. “I don't see that changing, although some of the older adventurers might wait a little longer in hopes of safer times.”
SEXY IS HEALTHY
“Our sexual health is just as important as our mental health and plays a part in it,” says Hutchinson, after returning to our conversation after helping a threesome of customers browsing the prostate massagers, just past the riding crops and cheap enough to rip lingerie.
“Seems connected to me…,” I ponder. » »
«« “Right? So you’ve got to make sure you are taking care of everything,” says Hutchinson. And really it is as simple as that. We are sexual beings that require sex for our wellness.
“We cater to everybody here. Anybody that wants to come in. We’re really comforting. We’re warm. We want to make sure it's a good experience for them,” said Hutchinson.
Certainly the younger generations see Spice and Good Vibrations with a different eye than the “sex stores” that older generations grew up with, “when the adult store was a seedy bookstore and kinda, you know, low brow, creepy,” she reminds me.
“Ohh, right. It was called Jay Bird in my hometown,” I remember with a laugh. What a name, “Jay Bird Books.”
“Yeah you don’t want that association,” Hutchinson responds with an eye roll. “It doesn't need to be like that. That’s why [at Spice] it’s bright, it's welcoming. We want to know what you are looking for.”
The whole approach at Spice is to give a safe and warm experience by “making sure the customer gets what they are looking for and help them discover.”
I myself have been around the community for a long time and remember that at one time I had to, shy and a little sweaty, break into it. It is daunting. In fact “the community” is one of those insider terms that is going to scare off noobs. (Also, “noobs”). But there are beginner options for swinging, kink, and self-discovery. See the side panel for some places to start.
SAFETY
Please remember to be safe. You may be past childbearing years, but sexually transmitted diseases see no age, as studies tracking the prevalence of STDs in nursing homes have shown. Nursing homes. Hot.
Of course as with all internet connecting, whether a dating app, social media, or a kink hub, always take safety precautions. Meet anybody new to you in a safe public space, let others know where you will be, and when you can, do some research on the people you hope to play with.
Omar Ruiz of TalkThinkThrive, a relationship-based counseling service, recommends Truepeoplesearch.com: “This site aggregates a lot of people's information … from social media [and] open chat room platforms.”
If you are reading this article, you know dang well that time marches on. There is no better time for selfdiscovery than the present. Go get ‘em, tiger.
ONLINE RESOURCES TO GET YOU OUT THERE:
Bumble.com is a dating and hook-up site that puts women in control of connecting. That feels really safe. This site is very highly recommended by many users, who insist that the paid version is worth it. Fetlife.com Can be intense, but great for finding events. Pro Tip: a “Munch” is a casual, public group meet up for coffee or dinner. These are friendly, accepting gatherings that will be happy to have you. Free. Adultfriendfinder.com. I signed up (for your benefit folks!) and received messages within minutes. To see them, you’ll be asked to pay. Feels a little funky. Also, expect ye ole dick pics right from the home page. Still, many of the sources I spoke with mentioned this site first. Truepeoplesearch.com Use this site to verify a person's identity at no cost.
PHYSICAL PLACES TO CHECK OUT:
Spice Sensuality Boutique. Friendly, fun, and inclusive. Female staff ready to help. Good Vibrations hosts Sexual Health Outreach Workshops. Female led and inclusive. The Antique Vibrator Museum at Good Vibration Fillmore St location in San Francisco. ‘Nuff said.
LESS EXPLOITATIVE PORN:
Deeper.com, a paid site that features female directors and a focus on women’s pleasure. Warning, if you last watched porn in the 80s, the average vid is a LOT more “hardcore” now. Not necessarily a bad thing. Lustery.com: Uploaded amateaur porn makes for more accessable vanilla sex experience. Some free access.
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Grab some Blossom Organics lubricant, formulated to be safe and natural, made right in Sonoma.
Micheal Giotis is a heteroflexible poet, parent, and proud kinkster. Follow his work on Facebook or Instagram @ originalgiotis.
