Snarky Tales: Humor from a Girl with a Dog and a Blog

Snarky Tales Humor From A Girl With A Dog & A Blog

A guyd written by someone who should not write a guide.

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Index

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This is so much more complicated than I thought

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Dating: 16 Reasons I Swiped & X’d Your Face on Tinder

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Funny Sayings That Make You Go HUH? In The Night

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19 Things That Make Moving Worse Than It Already Is

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41 Things Before the Alarm Rings

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Do-Do’s & Don’ts of Dating: Don’t Pee On My Parade

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Same Old Story: Too Much, Too Skinny, Too Dumb, or Too Too

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16 Things Not To Do At (Any/Social Media) Conference

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16 THINGS I PACK BUT NEVER WEAR WHILE TRAVELING

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18 Things That Make Me Go “Huh?” While In Las Vegas

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Insomnia: Top 12 Things (NOT) To Do When I Can’t Sleep

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Snarky Relationship Tips & Advice: Teddy B Style

THIS IS SO MUCH MORE COMPLICATED THAN I THOUGHT Everyone always tells me to write a book, so this is the closest thing to it. I have been around the block once or twenty times in relationships, friendships, working in the music business and dealing with absolute morons in my daily life.

So here goes...

After going to Barnes and Noble (yes they still exist) and buying two books which will be obsolete later today, I am just going to write. Of course, I can pay someone (and probably will) to change the color of my Word Press theme because I didn’t go to school to learn this computer language.

Isn’t it ironic that when I moved from Silicon Valley, I decide to write a blog? Alanis Morisette could add that to her next installment of “Ironic” and I have a lot more where that came from. I have ALWAYS been backwards and a little crooked or lop-sided?

Take that however you would like.

I thought of a few great names for my blogs and now I want to write and make it pretty.

Where do I start? How do I make it pretty?

That is not as easy as it appears. I see so many dumb people writing blogs and making money. Well I am not an idiot and I make money. I am tired of reading about friend’s food and lame non-adventures. In one case in particular, this girl I know who is no longer a real friend, just a “Facebook friend” writes a bad blog about fashion.

She writes in broken English, is not cute and has never dressed well, but at least she has the ability to write a blog that EVERYONE can read. Right? No, but it gives me a great opportunity to be honest about her lack of fashion sense and her craziness. Her blog premiered with a hysterical video featuring her closet that is the size of half of my smaller pantry. Yes, I have two pantries and one of them can double as a bomb shelter or safe room (see pic). This girl presented her awful collection of clothes/shoes/bags (which is the size of my seashell collection) while wearing some hideous dress she bought at Wet Seal. Honestly, she needs to burn all of her clothes because Good Will won’t even take them.

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Lets refer to her as “bad fashion”. She has been known to our friends as crazy. She is crazy. In one of her most original

performances, she approached me at a Birthday party of a mutual friend. Mind you, at this time she was still a “real” friend and not just a “Facebook” friend. There is a difference, which I can address later in this blog. San Francisco weather is

anything but “summer-y”. So, a group of us were gathered for a drag show. This crazy lady comes up to me and demands to

know why I am wearing a “winter-y” outfit

in March. I looked at the crazy, fashion-less lady like she was ugly/scary enough to

haunt a house (thanks dad for the reference). She demanded an answer of me

again regarding my outfit choice. I looked at bad fashion/crazy lady and walked far

away from her outside and across the bar patio. Bad fashion decides to walk up to

me again and asked for the third time “why are you wearing a winter-y outfit”. I looked

at her and told her to mind her fashion and I will mind mine. She proceeds to YELL

at the top of her lungs that I am a BITCH! and what is wrong with me. Making a

HUGE scene in front of Ru-Paul and his

friends, she runs out of the drag bar and

down Castro Street screaming and yelling at her self. A friend comes up to me and

asks what happened. I have no idea. Bad fashion rejoins the Birthday party coming

up to me while crying hysterically (yes, this is all happening at a bar, during a Birthday party). She proceeds to explain that she

has been nothing but nice to me and she is

so sorry and doesn’t understand why we are not friends. I look at her and say nothing. Silence is more of a Bitch than I am (sometimes). Last I heard, she jumped out of a moving car while shopping with the mutual friend who’s Birthday we were

celebrating the night of her fantastic performance. She is still running along side that car on the freeway somewhere by the Wet Seal Fashion Outlet in between writing ridiculously bad blog posts in some sort of broken English.

**Names will be changed to protect the innocent though I don’t know too many innocent people.

Let me know what you think. No need to hold back. I won’t. Thanks. Bye. See more at MelanysGuydlines.com

Melany’s Guydline #1 4

Don’t read everyone’s blog, especially some crazy lady with no fashion and a closet half the size of my smaller pantry.

DATING: 16 REASONS I SWIPED & X’D YOUR FACE ON TINDER I first heard about Tinder, the dating app, a few years back when I saw a super risqué AD on a billboard driving down Sunset Blvd in Hollywood. Someone told me that it was just a hook up site for guys that were not interested in me – just interested in each other. So, I disregarded this little app for quite sometime until a friend suggested I give it a try a few months back. To my surprise there were a lot of guys looking for girls and I threw my hat in the ring. Why not? Right? It really could not get any worse than what I am doing now and that is dating my blog. Plus, if I hit it off with someone we could tell our kids that we met on Tinder and they will have no idea what the hell it is because social media apps do not have the longevity of something like say…… meeting through a mutual friend, organically or at a bar? Does that ever happen anymore? Not to me.

This app is easy which means I am easy too? Not in that way but in a light, fun loving and ready to go out at any time way. BTW – try explaining to people what you do for work on a dating site when your profession is social media? They usually ask what I do and I answer, “I work in social media” because I am too google’able and would rather tell them first about myself before they judge what is online. Then, of course they ask what kind? I say “entertainment” and I am an idiot because I didn’t realize that they probably think I am an escort. I am not but I do write a blog about dating, which may scare some guys, the wrong guys, but some guys. Just a thought- LOL While perusing the app it occurred to me the new and improved Melany is still picky but working on having better taste. I have set “guydlines” and here are some of the reasons I swipe or x a potential suitors face while surfing for a keeper.

1. NO PICTURE Just a boring grey cutout in the shape of what I think is a person.

I see you put a lot of time into your profile on a site that requires no writing. I am sure you will put equal amount of time into a relationship, date or even a phone call. Right?

2. SELFIE IN BATHROOM/ROOM I hate this word but you know people do it – like A LOT! I suck at selfies because I am short and my arms are horizontally challenged as well. Guys taking selfies is just too weird. If they throw in the duck lips, I have a new meme for the blog but still strike out in the dating department. Do I really need to say that guys should stop taking more selfies than me? THEY should! Also, what is up with all of these messy people taking selfies, posting them and not noticing the enormous pile of shit in their room?

3. NO SHIRT You don’t see me posting pics with no shirt on. That is another type of site that you probably would assume I work for in social media, but I don’t. I get that you work out and that is great but I can tell you work out through your shirt. K? Do another push up/ pull up because your muscle milk is wearing off.

4. LEGAL PROOF Is that a mugshot or a new photo you think you look good in? Not sure if I should swipe or call the police for you taking the pic or posting it because you have such horrendous taste and actually think you look attractive in the shot?

5. ON YOUR MOTORCYCLE, BOAT, 10 SPEED, BUGGY OR PEOPLE MOVER Yes, we all move around this world in machines powered by an engine and I am happy that you like to share that, but really?

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6. WITH A BABY Is that one of yours or some random ladies borrowed for your profile picture because you read on some stupid dating site that it would be a good idea to take a pic with a baby?

7. ANIMALS OTHER THAN A DOG

11. TOO, TOO PRETTY I don’t want you looking at yourself in the mirror more than me.

12. WITH A GROUP OF GIRLS Your mom? Friend? Girlfriend? Mistress? Wife?

Well, I would never know which one since there is no explanation under the pic.

I am a dog person. Sorry.

(Lions, tigers and bears are ok though)

14. SITTING DOWN Are you shorter than me? That is going to be a deal breaker because the closet housing my designer shoes says so.

15. PICTURE THAT IS FADED AND

8. EVERY PICTURE YOU HAVE A DRINK IN YOUR HAND. Thirsty? You are probably a drunk, drunk or going to be drunk the entire time I know you. Been there – done that. Pass.

OBVIOUSLY FROM 20 YEARS AGO Will assume you live in a dungeon, have no friends and will wonder how you even accessed an app because you could not possibly own a smart phone without one current picture of yourself in the library. Or, you are just not that cute anymore.

15. HOLDING A WAD OF CASH They have something called a bank but good to know that you rock at Monopoly. Too bad that the game does not earn you interest to invest in a new pic!

9. HAIRY You have more hair on your face than your chest. Shave it.

10. ORANGE GLOW 6

Looks like you fell asleep in a sun tanning bed with a faulty timer – aka tanorexic.

Did I forget anything else?

See more at MelanysGuydlines.com

FUNNY SAYINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HUH? IN THE NIGHT I was sitting at a bar last night, drinking my goose and soda while Bret Michaels sang to me, “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” and I wondered what the hell is he talking about because roses have way more than just one thorn? The cliché sayings that sound beautiful screeched in a high pitch tone, out of longhaired rocker’s mouths don’t always make sense. Yet, we sing and say things like these all the time. We use weird sayings to make sense of situations when we don’t understand or can’t explain what the hell is going on in any other way. Old sayings have been around forever and still apply today because people are weird and do stupid shit. History repeats itself (and there is another one) but so do stupid people who do stupid things so these terms come in handy.

Here are some sayings and the immediate random thoughts that populate in the squishy, overthinking, ADD and OCD thing between my ears.

Karma is a Bitch!

So am I. But, if she is such a bitch – where has she been hiding her superpowers? I see assholes never having to dance with her. She is late. Someone call and get her ass to work. Her smart phone must be broken.

Dumber than a bag of hammers Whoever coined this phrase was probably dumb too. How dumb is a bag of hammers? How the hell would I know?

Have you ever talked to a hammer? Me neither but I still use this term. *This is a good place to point out that some of these old sayings have had variations attached to them like: Dumber than a box of hair.

Dumber than a doorknob.

Dumber than paint.

Dumber than a bag of rocks.

Dumb as a stump. ….I guess you can fill in the blanks with whatever utility tool, coloring utensil or hairy word you are currently fond of referencing to express whatever point you were trying to make.

It will happen when you least expect it If I am not expecting “it”, how will I know what “it” is if I want “it” to happen? How does this make sense? So, should I want something and then pretend I don’t want “it” and then that magical “’it” will happen? That is the new plan. Hope I am a good liar to myself so I won’t expect “it”.

It is not you, it is me

It is definitely you, not me. I do know that you don’t want to be with me because I don’t want to be with you. That must be it!

It will come back to haunt you.

Like the burrito I ate last night?

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Don’t count your chickens before they hatch

What came first the chicken or the egg? How do I know when to start counting? Let me know. When I do have the right amount of eggs, is it ok to take a risk only then not before?

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks

This means people never change. People change like when they go in a tanning bed one color and come out orange. It’s kinda cool.

You don’t know what you have until it is gone Yes. Just like toilet paper

Rome wasn’t built in a day

I know. but in this day and age a 22 year old can create, build, post an idea on Kickstarter and be a millionaire in less than 24hours with an idea like a motorized pooper-scooper.

All that glitters is not gold

The outside of my first condo here was gorgeous…….from the outside. But, did you read that post? Jiminy Cricket.

Plus, right now the price of gold is so expensive that it is probably plated and will turn your finger green

Out of sight. Out of mind

Just like when you move cities and you don’t hear from one person from the city you recently inhabited for two years.

Then, you move and the phone suddenly works. It’s magic!

It is not over until the fat lady sings

Sings what? Is it the same fat lady every single time? She must be tired from all of my failed relationships.

A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush

I still have no idea what the hell this means but I like birds. And bushes are cool.

It’s what is on the inside and not on the outside that matters

So, just go to a job interview in your pajamas and you will be fine as long as you are a nice person deep down instead.

Let me know how that works out for you.

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Happy as a clam

I can’t really tell that a clam is ever happy. The only time they express themselves are when they are screaming in scalding hot water. Honestly, I don’t like hot tubs that much and when I scream I am usually unhappy.

Liar, liar, pants on fire

It would be funny if a liar’s pants actually caught on fire.

That would mean we would all be running around with explosive undergarments.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me

Don’t steal my thunder

Tho shalt not steal…..anything. Especially thunder. No one wants to hang out with a buzzkill.

A leopard doesn’t change his spots

He does not because he has nothing else to wear. Also, they didn’t have Nordstroms when these sayings were coined so I am sure the leopard would definitely change into something more flattering if given a shopping opportunity.

Imitation is the highest form of flattery

What like stealing people’s ideas or creations? Flattering.

No. I thought that was called stealing? Refer to the 10 commandments, which are “old as dirt “– (that’s another one, but you get it).

It would be funny if a liar’s pants actually caught on fire.

That would mean we would all be running around with explosive undergarments.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Fonder of traveling back and forth and dealing with packing and unpacking which are my least favorite things to do ….like ever.

Big hat no cattle

This is one of my favorites and refers to lovely people who drive their rent a.k.a. “The $30,000 millionaire”.

Next.

Beauty is pain

No shit. How else do you explain me not being able to feel either pinky toe on both of my feet after walking in 6inch spikes all night long.

Blondes have more fun

Yes, this is true. Just ask me.

If you build it, they will come

Crazy like a fox

I did and he never showed up. Do you know if Price Charming made a wrong turn? Get him a new GPS.

I thought if you were a fox, it meant you were hot?

Right? So, I want to be ? fox and ? not fox. What does that look like?

You shouldn’t settle

Born with a silver spoon in their mouth

If I would have settled I would have ended up with a guy in a banana hammock. I like hammocks. but on trees.

It is only Rock n’ Roll but I like it

Isn’t gold more expensive?

Birds of a feather flock together

I love it and it is not “only” it is “everything” – write that down!

This isn’t always true because then I would be coo coo and be forced to hang out in the bush with the other two birds.

See more at MelanysGuydlines.com

Melany’s Guydline #72 - Snarky is as snarky does

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19 THINGS THAT MAKE MOVING WORSE THAN IT ALREADY IS It is 4:45 AM and I am writing to you from my mass exodus from a place called Cricketville. I have been there and none of you need to go there. Take my word for it. I have experience with creepy crawlies and in the past week I felt them crawling all over. You know? That horrible feeling you have when you can’t decide where to itch first because “something” is crawling ALL OVER YOUR BODY and won’t go away. Not to worry! I have found my salvation in a hotel called the Valley Ho until I can be safely relocated to the new digs. Plus, I have a rockstar mom who is up right now ready to come assist in the rescue. Hope she is standing in line drinking a bloody Mary because she caught the worm for being an early bird. Thanks MOM! Well, moving sucks. What do they say about taxes and moving? Yes. We all hate it until we get comfy in our new digs and have that spot on the couch to chillax, place to set our oversize shampoo bottles when they just don’t seem to fit the same way they fit in your shower at your old place, a perfect spot for that awkward size purse, nook for your accessories that you did not have at your previous residence and finding the ideal spot to take selfies to post on instagram with the best natural sunlight that doesn’t require yoga training. It is a long road to finally achieving perfect photo light location in new zip codes and I am not nearly there yet.

In my last post, I gave you a little run down about what was happening but let me just rewind, remix, number and describe the 19 things that could make moving worse than it already is – impossible you say? NO. These can only happen to me, all at the same time, and within a 5-day period.

1 Driving through 114 degree sand, sans window tint (thanks asshole cop in LA with nothing better to do) with your white ball of fluff to your final destination while dreaming of sitting on the porcelain goddess you are soon to become bff’s with ASAP. Upon arrival to your new digs, you make a mad dash for that toilet (while currently storing 2 Aquafina bottles in your bladder from the past 2 hours) only to be greeted by 5 dead bugs, ass down, legs up right next to your bowl. No. No. No. Go. Go. Go.

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It’s HOT in HERRR but dont drink any water….

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Chalking up the bugs to “eh” it is the summer in the desert only to find after doing your duty and mustering up the nerve to pick up each bug and place in bowl, the handle does not jiggle at all. Toilet won’t flush. It’s broken! To make it worse, your first introduction to the handyman is asking him to flush your pee along with some dead bugs down the drain.

After he flushes the bugs and your handy work he looks up and tells you that the toilet will not last 24 hours and a part needs to be replaced.

Fantastic. So, you ask him about the other bathroom only to find out that the second toilet is so bad that he needs to turn off the water and warns you not to use it. Check. No Taco Bell or water, like, ever?

Welcome

After the bathroom incident and discovering the inability for your toilet to handle anything at all, you decide to go and have a bite to eat. Smart. Well, following your yummy din din you decide to walk the dog around your new surroundings. What was that? WHAT THE F@#$@#$ WAS THAT? Oh not to worry it was only a bug the size of a small dog. Bigger than the one Paris Hilton used to hold as an accessory back in the day when people knew who she was prior to her pathetic attempt of calling herself a DJ. Long. Long time ago.

Anyway – HOLY SHIT – RUN!!!! You heard bugs bite and don’t want to find out.

After making it back through the jungle of Babylon (because for some reason the beautifully maintained property with lush greenery you saw last week has now become an aggressive jungle with an even louder soundtrack from every bug singing the same song) you meander into to your condo only to find that the temperature is hotter inside than out and that is weird because the thermometer is reading 100 outside. Being a snarky, crafty person you attempt to fix the AC unit with is cranked at polar ice temp to feel a nice hot breeze coming from the vents. WHAT? You have to be kidding me. So, you call the concierge and they send a workman who has not shared your bathroom humor to fix the problem. Easy right? NO! Bad news. You have a broken compressor and the part can take up to a month to get!!!! WHAT?

Top is what I though I saw.

Bottom was what I really saw out my FRONT DOOR!

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Now what? It is sauna temperature in your new place and you can’t drink any water because what are you going to do once it goes through you into that bowl? Call a hotel and relocate. DONE. Pack up, your unpacked, packed things for you and your dog and find a hotel after a day from hell. Check. Reservations are easy (If you need help, I can teach you).

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But, just kidding. Before you leave you attempt to make a call to your mom and tell her the latest when the phone does—– not work? Hmmm. So, you text and she calls so clearly the long distance does not work inside this place. No biggie.

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When your mom calls you take a minute, sit on the couch and talk to her. While talking you grab the TV remote to check what is going on in this world outside of this psychotic, biosphere you have decided to relocate to for 3 months but there is “NO SIGNAL” and that is the worse message ever! What do you mean?

The TV does not work and neither does the TV in the bedroom.

8 Check into hotel but realize it is the Fourth of July weekend and you are not getting any sleep because everyone else is having fun and watching fireworks. Not you. The only fireworks going on are the red and blue kind out of your brain in disbelief of the luck only you can have.

So, you do what everyone does in that situation - put the dog in the bathtub.

9 It’s a new dawn. It is a new day. Determined to start your cleanse while living in the hotel but don’t have any room in the mini bar for the fresh produce or items required to shake.

Shake, snack, shake, SHIT!

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Isagenix – and I am doing it no matter what the crickets say!

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Go back to condo to check on the portable AC unit placed in the condo by management only to discover you are now living in a swamp. Portable AC doesn’t work and you can pass on it in the Costco aisle.

11 So you wait until it is a little cooler than 111 degrees outside and venture back into the apartment after schlepping all the organizational tools necessary for someone with OCD and ADD purchased from Bed, Bath and Beyond to the Container store. While unloading your shopping bags previously digging a red indentation in your arm from the weight, you notice something. More than one thing. Many things.

Crickets. Jiminy Cricket and his entire family seeking revenge on you for a bad date. They are crawling out of the skylight at warp speed and you shake your head in disbelief. Back to the hotel Valley Ho. I don’t even remember dating him! Why is he so mad and bringing his entire family?

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Discover that it is not only a leak in the skylight providing a waterslide for Jiminy and his family but that you have matching leaks in the master bedroom as well. Jiminy tried to get in bed with me that night but I was not ready to make up. So, back to the Valley Ho.

Where is the owner of this condo? Oh, yeah. He is out of the country on a cruise ship and unreachable eating cookies, sipping a Pina Colada in an air conditioned suite on the way to Monte Carlo. Email does work overseas right? Well, apparently not for this owner.

Another new day and the management promises to take the skylight off and seal it from the wrath of the bugs (count is totaling close to 100 crickets now). But, you must vacate the premises for 8 hours while they recreate the Berlin Wall above your head. You need to grab something for your shakes because you are determined to keep your cleanse and the drawer breaks. It is broken and back to the hotel for the workmen to start construction on a unit you only rented for 3 months.

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15 Back to the Hotel Valle Ho!

Teddy Brewski thinks this is home!

I HIGHLY recommend this hotel and so does Brewski

Next day. Bring dog to the condo and finish unpacking or packing or unpacking? He

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freaks out and starts running around in circles like a tornado and you try to see what the hell is going on. He won’t let you so you must find a vet that will see your beloved best friend but your dog does not have a vet yet since you have only been in the state for a few days. Thankfully, you figure it out and take your dog to get a shot which knocks him out for the next 24 hours from the reaction to all the bug spray in your money pit.

17 Go back and try after everything is sealed, sprayed and fixed but you notice the dog sitting really weird on the couch. What the hell?

Of course. It is broken and half on the floor.

Goes with the territory.

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Wait? Is that supposed to be like that? NO!

Attempt to catch up on a weeks worth of emails and at 11PM hear your dog barking.

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What? Oh, crickets. More crickets from everywhere. In the stove and in my ears. On my clothes and by my dog. CRICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAHTZEE, UNCLE OR WHATEVER GAME WE ARE PLAYING – You are done because you have to be on a hidden camera reality show right now. No. More bugs and now they won’t die. They are mad and they are not going to take my stuff, my dog or me moving into their condo. Message received loud and clear.

19 I want my money back. Go back to hotel. Find a new place to house you, your dog, and your belongings in 24 hours or the owner of said condo is going to charge your clothes and shoes rent for being in his bug infested shit hole.

Nope! Nope! Nope! YOU ARE NOT A ROCKSTAR! See more at MelanysGuydlines.com

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DATING & RELATIONSHIPS IN HOLLYWOOD (HOLLYWEIRD): SO CLICHÉ, BUT THIS IS LA People always ask me how I decide what to write in my blog posts.

It is sad to say but there is no lack of bad dating or “frienemy” stories of the past, present, (and am sure the future -at the rate I am going). All I really need to do is look in my backyard at this crazy world to start typing away on my laptop. If I could have a podcast recording device attached to my brain of what I really think in daily life navigating the over-packed and even bumpier roads on the way to my office in Hollyweird – I would have volumes of files for you to listen to and enjoy. Some may not be quite as nicely wrapped as the blog posts on this page but they would be entertaining nonetheless.

I am going on a last minute trip with my favorite person in the world to escape the grips of LALA land or should I say more specifically Hollywood? I have a love/not always so in love relationship with this city as most of the people I know who live here do. The weather is beautiful but sometimes that is about all it has to offer. Hollywood is a city where people come to follow their dreams but sadly most end up on a plane right back to where they came from. I have seen this city chew up and spit out some of the most amazing, talented people but at least they can return to their hometowns knowing they gave it a shot and will never wonder “what if” (and that in itself is an accomplishment).

A lot of people in LALAland do a 2 or 3-year term. In other words, I will never forget someone telling me they referred to their time living here as “doing time” and it can indeed feel like that sometimes. Maybe it is the congested roads and the long commutes to inch 5 miles that leave people with the lonely feeling that LALAland has been known to impress upon passers by. I always wonder why Hollywood seems to have such a different lifestyle. Maybe it is because everyone is taller and towers over me? Maybe it is because I don’t have a glam squad or an entourage? I always have to get my pants shortened even if I buy them in the children’s section, buy makeup at a regular ole’ makeup counter and count on one or two friends to accompany me wherever I go. So, is this the reality of life when surrounded by supermodels and starlets? No matter how high I reach for the stars, I will always be a good foot shy, pound of makeup short and have a few less than a herd of friends than the other blondes reaching for the same star. The math just does not work out favorably for some people by the sheer essence of the backbone of this city.

There can only be one star (and it is not fair that my parents weren’t at least a wee bit taller to level the playing field).

Take dating or even relationships for example. People ask how it is in Hollywood and why it is so tough to find Mr. Right and so easy to find Mr. Not So Right. Why is it so hard to build lasting friendships here or even have a group of friends to hang out with on a regular basis? I have a few snarky reasons for you:

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1. Geographical Location – If I have to get on a freeway to see you – forget it. You sit in your car just as long in

rush hour traveling from Hollywood to Santa Monica as traveling from Los Angeles to Northern California (which is like another state) so you might as well broaden your dating geographical location requirements to Arizona or even Nevada.

2. There is always another boatload of BEAUTIFUL, blondes, with curves in all the right places. They get younger and you get older. Don’t feel bad when you are talking to that guy and he keeps looking over your shoulder.

He is indeed looking at the next batch of young blondes behind you ready to take your place (which is pretty

easy to do when you are 5’3 and the others stand at least 5’7). But, they won’t be the youngest for long. There

is extremely high turnover in the city of angels and there is always a new angel being born. This is a never-ending process that repeats itself. You can’t stop it, so accept it. Like I always say, “Just throw some glitter on that shit and move on” – mmmm, K?

3. Profession v. Perceived Profession. What do you do and what can you do for me? So cliché but so LA. Are

you really Leonardo DiCaprio or the Leo I saw blowing balloons for the buses of tourists maneuvering their way down the Walk of Fame? It is hard to tell and can be very confusing! I mean, I really thought when I met that guy he was Leonardo DiCaprio and so would you.

4. Stability. Not all is what it seems. Do you drive your rent? Don’t judge a book by its cover or the cover of magazines. I saw you driving that Lambo but when you got out you were missing your pants and had 5 holes in your T-shirt. Just because you saw him or her in a movie – trust me, it does not mean they can pay next month’s rent or even half of dinner. It is all in the lighting.

5. Better Offer. There is always one. Mercedes or Ferrari, Lamborghini or Bentley? I will take two of each. Too

hard to choose so can I just sample all of them. This goes for dating as well. Why decide on one type if you can have a smorgasbord? Blonde, brunette, redhead, short and tall. Just try them all!

6. You are the ONLY one. You are not the only one because there is always more than one. You know, like the 5 Marilyn Monroes, 3 Batmans or 2 Little Richards I see on Hollywood Boulevard. I wonder do they date each other and wear their costumes when they go out to dinner? Good Golly Miss Molly!

7. I WAS a star! I did it once and I can do it again! Wishful thinking. Sometimes the past should just be that. I

saw you had a hit record in 1987 by your record album poster still hanging on the Whisky-A-Go-Go’s door from

the 80s but your music has not scratched the top 500 in over 30 years. This probably means that it is time to try another field. Sad But True – just like Metallica told you.

8. Beauty. Who said high definition is the best way to watch people on a screen? HD is not favorable to anyone (even Teddy Brewski) and Hollywood is no exception. No one likes to grow old and Hollyweird is included in

this. But, when a person’s face starts to look more like a Muppet then they should just stop before they look like Michael Jackson moonwalking down the Walk of Fame. And there he goes…..

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There is so much more to this list but why don’t I open it up for discussion. What do you think of LALA land?

I do have to leave you with this...

I remember when I went back to San Francisco for a period of time and Hollywood sang that same old song that sounded so sweet. It lured me back. Not sure if it is the rock n’ roll or what but it has that intoxicating quality that so many love (or it may be the strong drinks at the Rainbow Bar & Grill). This will never change and that is the same old song that brings me back to this weird, weird Hollyweird.

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41 THINGS BEFORE THE ALARM RINGS

I am up but the rest of my body is sleeping. You know when you get up and you should go back to bed but you don’t because you have 41 things on your mind for the day? Yeah – that’s me every day! I never said these things were important to everyone – don’t judge, or do, because we all do. This was written at 6:00AM so here is a little peak into my early morning mind for the day…

1. Get up before the dog. If Teddy Brewski hears me walking around before 7AM I will never get through my 1200 + emails. Make sure to tip toe and not wake my sleeping beauty downstairs. I am sure this applies to people with two legged children as well.

2. Pack – what else is new? Where in the world is MelanysGuydlines this week? Big suitcase or bigger suitcase?

3. If I didn’t already pack it, is it properly listed on one of my 11 lists? If not, rewrite new list, organize lists into today and tomorrow and next week and throw away old lists.

REPEAT. 4. Get on twitter. I miss it when I can’t tweet. I mean, who else wants to listen to my snarky one –liners at any time of the day? If I don’t get them out early, there is no telling who may be on the other end during my daily travels through Hollywood.

5. Should I get my nail fixed now or later?

So annoying. Why can’t they just stay long?

6. Can I get away with my roots for one more week and people not think I have chosen the most ridiculously awful ombre hair color. Who created that? Oh yeah? I heard they walked off a long peer.

7. Laundry – it never stops. Can someone create clothes that wash themselves? Better yet – why doesn’t someone teach dogs how to wash clothes and Teddy Brewski can take care of that for me in the morning?

Is it here yet?

8. I need to write a blog post. What am I going to write about? Remember that guy you heard on the radio who was 22, went to the UofA and getting a billion YouTube hits? Yeah –write! Be FUNNY! 9. Who am I going to hear from today and how am I going to answer their email in a less “snarky” manner just in case I need them in the future?

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10. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think?

11. Where can I meet some new people and recycle my old friends? Seriously?

12. Does anyone ever meet online and do all those testimonials about Match.com working really work?

13. I need to workout. I have no time. Does Get Fit in 10 minutes actually work? How many 10 minutes do you have to do? I have 5 now and maybe 3.5 later?

14. I wonder if my new neighbor is going to be cute?

15. I need to schedule my day in Los Angeles to avoid all possible traffic rage episodes. So, I am going to never drive.

Sparkles + Pig = Rich Bacon

16. Did he text me back? Did she text me back?

17. I’m going to be tired by noon but maybe I am going to take a nap. (I can’t nap).

18. Who really takes naps during the weekdays anyway?

19. I wonder where I can take the two full little pigs holding a bunch of my quarters from the bottom of my purse so I can exchange for extra cash? AND……Why do people people love bacon so much?

20. How do I get more traffic on the blog? How many people are going to ask me if I make money writing a blog? Do I answer or ignore?

21. How can I make more money?

22. Who do I want to work with this week?

23. Why is LA so LA? 24. I wonder if I will have a chance to visit all my friends and their kids before they enroll said kids in college?

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25. I wonder who made it on last night’s episode since I can never watch an entire TV program the whole way through? Twitter wins.

26. How in the world did she marry him? Why did he marry her?

27. I’m hungry.

28. I need a nap.

29. Wonder if I can get a massage?

30. I need to get my teeth cleaned.

31. Should I buy one of those portable desks so that I can work in different spots around the house?

32. Why do people call/text/write out the blue and expect something from me for free?

When is happy hour?

33. Wait, when did I become a concierge? Why did he text me that? I should just reply that I am not a concierge and have no idea where it is.

34. I want some rock ‘n roll!

35. When can I go back to Vegas?

36. What the hell is that?

ALARM 37. I am um……..Up? 38. When is happy hour? (Thanks to Uncorked Ventures, I have 2 brand new bottles of wine waiting for me to try downstairs).

39. Emerson Brown Cabernet Sauvignon or Vina Robles Red 4?

40. When is happy hour?

41. When is happy hour?

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DO-DO’S & DON’TS OF DATING: DON’T PEE ON MY PARADE Since I did win in the Sex, Dating and Relationships category yesterday I thought I would share with you a funny ditty. Here goes…

You know how bad and non-existent dating is in the city of angels because I have told you over and over again.

So, why not import someone? I did just that with my last tour mate. He hailed from the desert and we had known each other for quite sometime so I thought that this could be a real keeper until our last rendez vous ended in disaster somewhere between the Boulevard of Broken Dreams and the Grand Canyon.

I could not understand why he didn’t want to spend more time with me and then I remembered the one time he did visit Los Angeles that Teddy Brewski behaved a little strangely. And by strange –I mean he jumped on (lets call him Magic Mike) Magic Mike and left a steaming, hot present right on top of him while he was sleeping in

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my bed. It was on the comforter but none-the-less right on top of poor Ralph. Not the best first doggie impres-

sion – probably not. But, you know they say that dogs know best so maybe I should have pulled the plug on this “steamy” relationship right then and there.

Why didn’t I listen (er…smell Teddy Brewski’s advice then)? To add insult to injury, the last time Magic Mike

and I hung out a bunch of us got a little more than tipsy and a few of people ended up staying in a hotel room.

Sleepover! It was all fun and games until Magic Mike nudged me and I heard him yell, “What the hell are you doing?” which is when I noticed my friend (lets call her Ginger) Ginger “accidently” in the process of relieving

herself in the middle of our hotel room. That was bad but what made it worse is that her aim was right on all of

Magic Mike’s clothes. So, I did what any good “dater” would do and took his clothes to rinse the golden shower in the shower of course. The only problem was Magic Mike had no other clothes to wear home and we had to

sneak him out of the hotel room in a white hotel towel, dress socks and dress shoes. I am sure no one noticed

or that is at least what we told him. Trust me – they noticed. One of the last times I saw him he was running into his garage in a white terry cloth wrapped around his waist, with black dress socks, and Armani shoes. I guess he didn’t enjoy getting shit and pissed on by my friends and Teddy Brewski. But I would still totally date me! It wasn’t me – I have full control of all of my bodily functions. I swear.

In the end, I guess he got me back because we gave it one last shot (but not that way) and I decided to go visit him. He picked me up from the airport, loaded my overly packed new, red, suitcase in the back of his car. He closed the hatch and we took off on our merry little way. It was just us minus my shitting and pissing friends

or dog. What could go wrong? You ask? Well, we were not 500 yards away from where he picked me up from baggage claim when we saw a police man motioning for us to pull over and blowing his whistle like a rave kid

up for days. Ah shit! What now? Oh nothing but my suitcase was lying in the middle of the 4-lane street at the

airport. He “forgot” to close the hatch. I am sure he was just doing his best nonchalant check of my belongings

to make sure I had no animals or friends in my suitcase that planned on relieving themselves on him during my trip. If I did, they would not have survived the crash. Trust me. What did I do? Well, what could I do? I just told

him that he better pray it was not my laptop because if it was how would I be able to write this story for the blog?

Obviously, it wasn’t and the only casualty was a brush and a few hair products in which he never heard the end of their demise.

This was the final show and end of our tour. It was a successful run, don’t you think? So, currently I am available for tour dates if you know any solo artists that need an opener.

**Thanks to Magic Mike and Ginger for their approval of this message for international distribution.

See more at MelanysGuydlines.com

Melany’s Guydline #68 Don’t let your friends or dog relieve themselves on your date if you want another date.

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SAME OLD STORY: TOO MUCH, TOO SKINNY, TOO DUMB, OR TOO TOO

Random post.

I wonder why every time I wear no make-

up – I get hit on? But, if I am dressed to the nines guys seem to duck under tables. It is so weird. Does wearing makeup make me

unapproachable? Or do guys just really like to pick up on girls that look young? I mean every time I am sans makeup I get card-

ed. Thank you – this is awesome but I am totally confused by it. I get carded without

makeup often (even though I think this is a

quasi-creepy attempt for the bouncer to get all my personal details) but I get hit on too.

For example, last week I was sitting at my

slot machine in Las Vegas and a cute guy hit on me. Not once, but twice. He came back

around the avenue of the slots I was playing an hour later to see if I was winning and to

give me his digits. What was I wearing you

ask? Lululemons, Tshirt and no makeup! The same night I got in an elevator for a formal

party and there was a cute guy in the lift and he said I smelled amazing. Conversation ended there. Weird.

I mean this guy hit on me and I don’t think he dates girls!

But, if I post a pic on Facebook or IG I get more likes with makeup?

What is going on guys? Makeup (ha) your minds!

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It is the old story- either you are too skinny or too fat. Like when Jessica Simpson wore those god awful high wasted jeans and

was slammed all over the media for it. Hello? It was a bad angle.

Now, all I see are girls asses eating shorts as soon as the summer months roll along. I am pretty sure food is served during the summer months so not sure why they are eating shorts. If the shorts

are too short – it does not look good! Trust me. But, no worries because everyone is either too fat or too skinny and there is no way

around it. My advice is wear what looks good on you and not what

you see in the magazines because 9 times out of 10 you will never (or would never want) to look like that.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I know – pretty random but I am just wondering how, where, what and when to do how,

where, what and when? It is confusing. Also, it is amazing to me how many stupid people

post things that they know nothing about and won’t let the subject matter go. I mean there is such thing as too much. Too much dumb. Please stop. But, have you ever noticed that dumb girls seem to have it a lot easier than girls with a brain? I just don’t get it.

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Melany’s Guydline #67 Too much of anything is no good. Find a happy medium and stay with it. Plus, people will always know where you stand on things. You know? Like wearing horrible butt eating shorts!

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16 THINGS NOT TO DO AT (ANY/SOCIAL MEDIA) CONFERENCE

DRUNK UNCLE

1. Not knowing your competition. Know if anyone is dominating your niche in the market. I am 70% sure there may be someone doing what you think you have created. Can’t you hear Drunk Uncle from SNL saying “I’m prrrrrrrreetttttyyyy suuuuuurrrrrree…..” someone is already doing that? Do your research!

2. Do not wear high heels during the day so you look like a wounded stork walking through the hotel. This will make people notice you but not in a good way and then you can’t attend the rest of the conference and have to call in wounded the second day.

3. Don’t drink too much and be that guy or that girl. Yes, other people may have been drunk as well but there is a difference between blacking out and getting tipsy. Good tip: Getting married while at a business conference to someone from another country is not for love. Trust me. Green card?

4. Don’t judge a book by its cover. Look at me. For some reason people underestimate the curvy blond girl, with jewels, makeup and heels (I can actually walk in). If you need another example, just look at Mark Zuckerberg.

5. Do not over-commit. Not good to flake – ever! Don’t plan out to do everything but get nothing out of a conference because you are too busy trying to make every single lecture, meet up, evening activity and go shopping.

6. Not eat. You will need food eventually and it is better to eat at normal dining times if not the growling of your stomach could disrupt a great speaker or you could turn into Betty White.

7. Don’t think you know everything. In any and every business there is more to learn each day. Especially, with the advent of social media. So, Mr. Miller Light distributor that offered me a job – yes, Twitter is important and you should have presence at SXSW. That is your new target audience. Hello?

8. Don’t neglect your personal social media channels. How the hell are you supposed to find out about impromptu drinks at that cool bar after your favorite speaker?

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9. Don’t neglect your email. Unless you want to come back the following week and sit on your computer until the conference begins the next year. I suggest you clear that shit.

10. Do NOT oversell. Don’t tell people you know a lot but you don’t. If you sell yourself as the next best thing to sliced bread, people will check and when they do, you will want to back up your bragging with examples. I know Grey Goose makes it easy for you to think you are superman but you are not. I promise.

11. Do NOT undersell. Don’t sell yourself short (I am short and it is not all its cracked up to be). Think of a good pitch, use it and revise it depending on your audience.

12. Don’t be without cash. Don’t be that person who is the reason why everyone else at the table missed the featured event of the day. It is hard and time consuming to split checks.

13. Don’t walk around with a mad on. Look alive and really – put a smile on your face. You are at a conference, not a funeral. But, if you keep walking around with a sour puss it could be your career’s funeral.

14. Don’t give stupid answers. When asked about what your company does – don’t explain in Latin (that language is dead btw).

Don’t answer, “Who is your target audience?” with “I am looking for Fortune 500 COO’s only”. WORST answer ever! Especially, when it is to me-snarky blogger extraordinaire. You are lucky I am not naming your company here. Douche.

15. Don’t run out of cards or other promotional items. Bring enough and backup. If not, give something cool of yours away. These are always a hit!

16. Don’t blend in. You don’t have to look like everyone else. Stand out (I am not saying wear bandage dresses or flip flops with dress slacks but a little flare helps). A little flare and be sure to check the weather. Just because you are coming to sunny CA does not mean we don’t get cold weather. There is an app for that. **Do….Do this.

See more at MelanysGuydlines.com

Special shout out to this one from …

Melany’s Guydline #65 DO! Be creative – start something like SMMW14pickuplines – I did! With this!

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16 THINGS I PACK BUT NEVER WEAR WHILE TRAVELING Tomorrow, I leave for San Diego to attend Social Media Marketing World and excited to meet some more people in my field. What I am not looking forward to is packing. I mean let’s be honest – I am living out of a suitcase in my spare bedroom from my last trip. My bathroom products are still in protective double plastic bags in my other sink. I double bag all my products – I am a product whore – we have already established that but each lotion, remover and whatever else l think I am going to need while on vacation (or at a conference) needs to be bagged not once but twice to protect from spilling on my clothes. (Don’t worry about the environment people – I ALWAYS REUSE them so all the people waiting on the Internet to be offended about something – this is not it). I have become somewhat of a professional traveler but what I am not professional at is packing smarter and leaving the things I never wear at home and out of my huge suitcase.

Here is a list of things I pack but should not ever make it into my suitcase: 1. 2 Types of zit cream. I think one is enough and even then, I never use it.

2. Cute shoes on the floor. They should stay there and if they are not comfy at home – why in the hell do I think they are going to be better while traveling?

3. Shoes again. You can’t fold them or flatten and the reason I always have to pay overweight charge.

4. 100s of Qtips. I mean – I am one person. How many can I actually use?

5. 20 pairs of socks. I have two feet and two shoes. You do the math because apparently I can’t.

6. Jewelry for 10 different outfits. Come on – I love my bling but am I going to change the jewels that much while on vacay?

7. Electronic charges for every device I have ever owned. I don’t think I still need to bring that Iphone 4 charger since the adaptor does not plug into my Iphone 5s.

8. Laptop. Ipad. Air. Phone. Ipod. Mifi. Mophie and all corresponding chargers. Some charges work with all the devices. Please choose just 5 from the list.

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9. 2 pairs of headphones? Well, I have 4 ears.

10. Underwear. Again – do the math.

11. 3 Lint Rollers. Only need one as now I know you can request black napkins at most restaurant.

12. Jackets/Sweaters – I mean how cold is it really going to get in San Diego?

13. Scarves- Try limit my accessories because I ALWAYS lose something and that

something is always a scarf that I am holding in my hands but never wearing around my neck.

14. Belts. Black or brown. Decide.

15. Too much money, credit cards and other form of payment. If you bring – you will use it. Bitcoin?

16. Formal attire more suited for prom. Should probably leave that at home because I don’t even have a date.

It doesn’t matter what I do, write, list or leave at home. I am ALWAYS going to get

charged the overweight bag fee because you know I am going to bring every single

item on the aforementioned “leave at home” list. Happy packing, unpacking and safe travels.

P.S. If Teddy gets to take a pillow?

Should I? GO CATS! Sweet Sixteen Baby!

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18 THINGS THAT MAKE ME GO “HUH?” WHILE IN LAS VEGAS 1. The need for women to wear clothes they would never be caught dead in within a 500mile radius of their hometown. Just because you are in Vegas does not mean you need to dress like the hookers waiting for the unsuspecting and recently paid out nerd who just won the $6,000 progressive on his first time in Vegas. Listen buddy, lightening doesn’t strike in the same place twice and your luck is not THAT good. Oh and remember my Miss Piggy post ladies and gents? If you have a friend wearing a sausage casing doubling as a dress – tell her. It is you duty to mankind.

2. People drinking way beyond their capacity. You don’t drink like that at home and I promise that when you touch down at McCarran airport – you don’t get a back up liver. So, pace yourself and for the love of Wilbur, your head and liver. Drink some water in between whatever fruity concoction you are throwing back. It is the desert and you will be dry as a bone or looking for someone to throw you one while locked in the drunk tank.

3. Gambling your rent, car or livelihood. If you need that money for pampers next week you should choose a different vacation destination.

Again, just because there are shiny lights and bells should not mean you should pour your next month rents or car payment into the Wheel of Fortune.

Yes, this counts even if you HEAR someone just won a 1.5 million jackpot on a $5 machine. That person did win but it was not YOU. 4. Lines. Ques. Where ever you are from I’m SURE they exist so get in it and stop cutting people off.

5. Drunk in public. Do I really need to elaborate? Special shout out to the girl getting carried home, the couple having sex in the lobby and the other person who mistakenly relieved themselves on the strip.

6. Yelling. Girls on your first Vegas trip-we know you are virgins since you are all wearing the variation of the same color bandage dress. Did you get those on discount? There is no need to yell “Vegas” because they announced, “Welcome to Vegas” when we got here. We know where we are. Do you?

7. Married men who think it is OK to hit on women. You are in Las Vegas. Your ring still means something here even if you pawned it to play in the poker tournament.

8. Gambling faux pas. If you don’t know how, ask. Don’t be a jackass and sit third bass to ruin it for the rest of the table and please don’t yell “HIT that!”

9. Street crossing. When the red hand is up on that light it still means – DON’T WALK! Why do you think people get hit by cars every single day in Las Vegas? BEEP!

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10. Shopping addiction. Trust me, if you can’t afford that Chanel purse or that Rolex at home – you still can’t afford it while in Vegas. This especially goes for that guy hitting the 20-blackjack hand on the tables at the Hard Rock.

11. Walking. Women or men should not be wearing heels over 5inches tall. You couldn’t balance on them when you tried them on in the store and you sure as hell can’t after those Jell-O shots. You look like a baby horse trying to take its first steps and it does not look hot with that horrific dress. Opt for shoes you can actually walk in. MMM K? Paradiso anyone?

12. Walking barefoot. Do you know what happens in Vegas? Well, your feet will never be the same and I suggest you get some VERY good socks and when you get home – burn them!

13. Falling asleep in random places. Unless you are narcoleptic, falling asleep in front of my cherry machine that is going to hit any minute is NOT OK. So, move and go to bed.

14. Marketing person for the MGM Grand Casino. I know the stories behind the lights, sounds, music and temperature control and how they want us to gamble away our hard earned money like Teddy Brewski on steroids. But, whoever thought of spreading the word about an “old machine that has NEVER hit and is at a$2 million+ jackpot” is a GENIUS. Why didn’t all those people wait in line to hit that button and take a chance on this random machine when it was at $1million or even $1.5 million? Plus, the camera crew and news coverage is a brilliant idea. BRAVO and TOUCHE – I thought I was the marketing guru! (Of course, I am still waiting in line just like everybody else!)

15. Guys in large groups yelling out “Sexy” or “Damn” at the top of their lungs to women passing by. Do you think they are going to stop and give you their number? They are not and you know those guys on construction sites that do the same – well, how has it worked for them so far?

16. All you can eat buffet does not actually mean you should eat the ENTIRE buffet.

17. Lucky number – I don’t care why you play that number and neither does the host, pit boss or my poor mom waiting to play her lucky numbers at the roulette table. Just play!

18. Don’t forget to stick some money in a sock, bra, or undergarment so you have enough to get home!

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INSOMNIA: TOP 12 THINGS (NOT) TO DO WHEN I CAN’T SLEEP Just woke up with a start and was thinking how can I write a blog post at 3:00AM without it sounding weird.

Well, that already sounds weird so here is a list of the top things I do when abruptly interrupted from my much needed beauty rest. (Please note all of these are done while tip-toeing as not to wake up my sleeping beauty AKA – Teddy Brewski because once he starts barking, he will NEVER stop. Dogs don’t have internal alarm clocks. We are their clocks).

Oh wow. That must be the true definition of REM sleep! JELLY!

1

Pee- Don’t you? Usually the reason I wake up in the middle of the night. No other alterna-

tive except to get up and take care of business. I am too old for Pampers and too young for Depends. I will just have to deal with it.

2 3 32

Drink – I like to stick to non-alcoholic beverages especially in the wee hours. You know, I might need to drive soon or in 7 hours. Wee and pee?

Chow – My fridge directly communicates with my stomach via hi- tech noises referred to as “rumbling” or “growling” and they have an exclusive relationship at 3:00AM.

4

“OMG What did I forget to do thoughts nagging at my brain” – Well, this can vary to uber im-

portant tasks such as scheduling my nail appointment or facial to “oh shit” I didn’t answer the email from the President.

5 6 7

“OMG What did I do thoughts nagging at my heart”- This does not happen as often as it used to. Kinda miss that... in a weird way.

“OMG What am I going to do thoughts in my soul?”-Only occurs when I never actually achieve the bliss of REM sleep that people tell me exists.

Temperature problems – Turn up the heat and then turn on the AC. What is the best temp to

sleep in anyway? Well, I obviously just told you that I am bi-polar in this department and have

no idea if I am more comfortable baking or defrosting. I believe this could be an ongoing problem.

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Work. I need to write a blog post. Hence, why I am doing it now. If not now, I will forget because this is a dream (or nightmare) and they always say to write those sleeping activities down immediately, right? I will just blame “them” whoever “they” are.

9 10

Check my online dating – Always leads to a nightmare.

Shop-Retail therapy in the middle of the night is never a good idea. You know? I thought that dress looked a little short but when I received it in the mail my thoughts are confirmed, as it

is more suitable for a 9-year-old boy or lady of the night on Sunset and LA Brea. It may also break the bank. My math skills are not that stellar when I am 100% awake so you work the numbers (please).

11 12

Check social media – Root of all evil. Just look where this ended up.

Remote Control – Where is it? Hiding within the sheets I just lost a wrestling match with an hour ago.

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Melany’s Guydline #6 Go back to bed. Sleeping is not overrated (and don’t forget to save blog post written in the wee hours of the morning to make sure it is written in English and not yawn or bark). Also, hide credit cards and passwords after 12AM. 33

SNARKY RELATIONSHIP TIPS & ADVICE: TEDDY B STYLE My snarky relationship tips come from my experience with Teddy Brewski. He is better than any boyfriend I

have had, any day, because I am his one and only. Here is some snarky relationship advice from a woman who has been through enough guys to provide it to you with certain flair.

TEDDY BREWSKI IS THE MODEL BOYFRIEND! TAKE NOTES! He does what I tell him. (Well, most of the time). If not, I can throw the leash on him and he is always by my side. If I did that to a boyfriend I would probably get arrested (or be into some really, weird S&M craziness which I am NOT in to but to each their own).

He bathes when I want him to bathe. If I tell him that he smells, he never gives me attitude. I once dated a guy that only thought he needed to shower every 3 days and that his skin needed to be lubricated by his natural oils. The only thing lubricating from his natural oils was the wafting smell from his armpits lingering in my nasal cavities.

Teddy B is always excited to see me even if I look like I got hit by a truck, ate too many frozen pasta meals, got lazy with the application of my black eyeliner, or wear a less than flattering outfit (a.k.a. flowy tops and dresses that make a busty woman look like a house –don’t wear them EVER). He is proud to be seen with me whatever I wear!

He never forgets to text me or gives me lame excuses as to why he can’t be on time. He is always on time and always comes when I call his name. There is no “I did not hear you” or anything like that. Front, center and ready to please whenever I call. That’s how it should be.

He supports my blog. His face is on it and he is proud to be the MG mascot. He waits patiently for me to finish my work and never feels his work is superior or should require more time than mine.

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He does not have a Napoleonic complex (even though he only comes up to my mid calf). He is confident in who he is, what he has, and never needs to puff out his chest and feel more important.

Never threatened (even though I got him neutered).

He loves my music and never objects to what I want to listen to on the radio. This goes for TV and movies. He is the best date and doesn’t talk through the movie.

He waits for me to eat or drink and never starts a meal without me.

He finishes every last drop of all the meals I prepare for him and leaves with a huge smile on his face begging for more each time.

If I get mad and go to bed, he wakes up and gives me kisses as if nothing happened. He is a lover and forgiver. Not stubborn.

When I am tired, he goes to bed without discussion.

He knows I am right all the time. This is just a given.

He never wants me to leave. He always wants to be with me (he is super smart).

He is persistent but not annoying. Men – there is a fine line.

He gets a little jealous – that means he cares. But, again there is a fine line.

He is always there for me no matter what. Been through thick and thin and I can depend on him not to run away with his tail between his legs which is more than I can say for a lot of my ex’s.

He knows when he is in the doghouse. He stays there and waits until the right time to apologize.

He is never flakey. I am always his #1 option and there is never a bigger, better, blonder, younger option. Most of my ex’s were more flakey than every croissant I have ever consumed.

He loves all of my friends and is nice to each and every one of them.

There is no “I don’t want to hang out with Shelli” because he treats each one of them like a friend of mine.

His mom is awesome. I really like her, which is super important.

He knows who the HBIC is in the relationship. I am the BITCH! He always chooses me over his friends. He may sniff their assess but he knows whose ass to kiss if he wants something good.

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