for karen biggs, mom. thank you for advocating for my health.
content warning for nudity and references to medical procedures.
ugh.
i really need this medicine.
i’ve been miserable for months without this medicine,
but i’m also miserable applying it.
she nurses me into health, like my mom during my egg-freezing and oophorectomy,
and i sour in response.
i was growing into my independence when this happened. now, my surgical menopause has thrust me back on an umbilical cord. megan before
megan after exhausted doing things she likes
boundless energy for school
active WAP
no sex in weeks because of UTIS no ailments
always sore
my body curls up like i’m preparing for disappointing missionary sex, too.
injecting my meds is disappointing.
oh estradiol .1mg, yes , right there. hah.
the floor ices my back, and my lips chafe on the plastic applicator.
the friction is mildly uncomfortable, but the reminder of my genitourinary syndrome of menopause (GSM) aches deep. it’s an inverted bloodletting, hurting as it heals. it’s a wound being pressed into, reopened biweekly as i fill it.
when i’m standing during the day, the cream drizzles out. it’s replaced the discharge that used to soil my underwear.
don’t drip, don’t drip, don’t drip.
reusable panty liners
so much of my life of life with a vagina, uterus, and ovaries was predicated by things spewing out of my vagina: blood, discharge, and cum at surprise intervals. FUCK!
then, for a while, nothing.
eh.
ever since my oophorectomy, ever since my menopause at 20 years old, my hand has been on the trigger. i’ve never been in more control of my body, and i’ve never been in less control of my body.
i’ve never been healthier or sicker. i’ve never been more of a maiden and a crone, never been more of a child and an adult.
will it pass? or am i stuck in another unsavory cycle?
“refill” is a zine about taking vaginal estrogen and the loss that accompanies it.
megan biggs is a multi-disciplinary designer, writer, and artist. her practice spans visual journalism, UX content design, graphic design, and painting. megan is a graduating senior at the university of idaho, c/o spring 2022. find her at meganbiggs.org and @concertblack art on IG or FB.