A MAN’S WORLD DAVID FLATMAN
A place in the sun This summer started so well, but of late has been less than satisfactory. So should Flats actually buckle, and take the brood abroad?
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“Does ‘all-inclusive’ translate to ‘allawful’? I just don’t know”
tap these words into my machine from South Devon, where the hills are rolling and the cream is clotted, where the seas are blue and the cows are smiling. Also, as it happens, where it’s peeing down. As mentioned before in these pages, I love to come here for as long as I possibly can every summer, but the bizarre weather conditions this time have effectively forced me to acknowledge that whole ‘we must head abroad if we want guaranteed weather’ thing that many more tanned than I feel obliged to mention whenever that hairdresser-esque holiday chat comes about. Now there will be some among your reading number who claim that I, as a pilot of a ridiculously big 4x4, am to blame for this, but I read an article in The Guardian once that said it was actually more the fault of said grinning cows farting like nobody’s watching, so I’m sticking with that. But the unavoidable truth is that it has rained and been dangerously windy for roughly half of this extended break. That means no untying of the boat, no wetsuitfree six-hour beach sessions, no inflatable Ringo rides, and no end-of-a-long-day ice creams. No, the children and I sit and watch the rain and alternate between card games and Netflix. Devon has never let me down like this before, and I feel offended. And, despite being a reasonably stubborn old gorilla, I’ve buckled. I’ve decided to go abroad next summer. I know that most of you lot do this anyway – and that it’s good for kids to see different places – but I’ve often left
it to the children’s grandparents (who have places abroad) and their mummy (I’m always working in half-terms) to do the job for me. Now, though, we’re going global. Having put this to the girls, their respective replies were: “Can I bring my friends from school?” and “Can we go to LA and then to Barbados?” So I’m screwed from the start. Last week I was working in London and, on the way back, scooped up two of my daughters’ schoolmates and brought them back to Devon for a few days of fun. I also collected another small child from a mate already down here, and had five girls on my own for a few days. Piece of cake. But that’s set the standard now, and I’m buggered if I’m taking a whole under-9s netball team to Beverly Hills. And Beverly Hills? Nope, we’re going all inclusive to Lanzarote. Actually we’re not. I don’t quite know where to go. The girls quite like feta cheese so have decided that Greece is probably as good as LA in real terms, so I’ll go with that. But I’ve only ever been there on LADS LADS LADS holidays, so have no idea quite what to look for. Are ‘children’s resorts’ all as grim as hell? Does ‘all inclusive’ translate to ‘all-awful’? I just don’t know. Please do send any recommendations to the crew at Bath Life, as this is new territory for this creature of habit. Oh, and it’s okay to put the kids in economy and myself in World Traveller Plus, right? All advice welcomed. David Flatman is an ex-Bath and England rugby star turned TV pundit and rent-o-mic. Follow him on Twitter @davidflatman
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