A2 Monday, January 24, 2022 — DAILY REPUBLIC
My choices for living in a fictional world
I
was a bit of a dreamer root for is the Mean as a small lad, and Machine from the more than once I 1974 classic, “The remember my mom Longest Yard.” They telling me to stop living had a hard-nosed, in a fantasy world. incredibly tough Now that I am defense, a balanced pushing six decades, I rushing and passing know you can’t live in a attack on offense and fantasy world, but Tony Wade knew how to have fun, The last laugh what’s wrong with like firing the football visiting one from time to into a certain guard’s time? Now if I were to live in a crotch not once, but twice. fictional world, what would it be Just an aside, I also thought like? Most likely it would be of the movie, “Any Given inspired by pop culture. It might Sunday,” that featured teams look something like this: that were supposed to mimic Fictional House: This one is real NFL teams, but came easy. I would live in the Gothic across looking phony or like Victorian mansion on ones in the old World League. 1313 Mockingbird Lane owned You know what has always by the Munsters. It has nine bugged me? That movie is rooms, secret passageways and unabashedly about the NFL and trap doors, and it comes yet they had to use fake teams. complete with a dragon that In “Jerry Maguire,” a film that lives under the stairs. has football in it but is much A close second would be the more about relationships, they Sanford and Son house just used the Arizona Cardinals and because one man’s junk is other actual NFL another man’s treasure and you teams. What the? never know what you could turn Fictional band: The Jackson up there. Plus, who knows, you 5. I wanted so bad to be in the might end up featured on an J5 as a kid. Right around the episode of “Hoarders” time that they became popular, or something. 1970, was when my youngest While I wouldn’t want to live brother, Scott, the fifth Wade there, I would like to tour the boy was born. We coulda been Brady Bunch house just to the Wade 5! The only thing we finally determine if the shared needed was, well, talent. I think upstairs bathroom for six kids what I really wanted was to be actually had a toilet or not. cartoonized, given a globe-like Fictional technology: Star afro and then be ripped off by Trek transporter? No. Food the Osmonds. replicator? Nope. I would have A distant runner-up would be to go with the Orgasmatron The Partridge Family but that’s from the 1973 Woody Allen only because who didn’t have a movie, “Sleeper.” crush on Laurie Partridge? The Fictional Football team: I am only thing is while being in a band would be cool, the buzzkill a member of the Raider Nation for Life and even speculating on would be your mom in the band rooting for a fictional team risks in a super short skirt banging a tambourine against her hip. suspension of my Silver and Fictional car: Chitty Chitty Black card, but I’m taking that Bang Bang is the obvious risk. The fictional team I would
Pixabay
Three quarters of the Super Friends. Aquaman was too freaked out as this was taken at a seafood restaurant. choice. James Bond’s Aston Martin with its retractable gun turrets and ejector seat are cool, but a car that can float, fly and provide the backbeat for its own theme song pushes it over the top. I also would love to talk to Fred Flintstone about his Flintmobile and its motor/foot power hybrid technology. Fictional boat: The Love Boat would be way more fun, but I would have to go with the USS Minnow. The only reason would be to ask Gilligan, and the skipper, too, the millionaire and his wife, the movie star, the
professor and Mary Ann, in exasperation why they all packed suitcases for a three hour tour which is way more than Tom Hanks brought in “Cast Away.” Fictional friends: The Super Friends naturally. I would like to sit Aquaman down and ask him what he feels like when he sees his fellow team members go eat seafood. Also I want to suggest a therapist for Batman and ask Wonder Woman whose brilliant idea it was to have an invisible plane that you can see her flying around in even if you can’t see it? Did she ever think
about a Harry Potter invisibility cloak to complete the concept? And finally, I want to ask Superman if actual kryptonite feels like regular guy kryptonite – also known as having to buy feminine hygiene products for your significant other. Fairfield freelance humor columnist and accidental local historian Tony Wade writes two weekly columns--”The Last Laugh” on Mondays and “Back in the Day” on Fridays. Wade is also the author of The History Press book “Growing Up In Fairfield, California.”
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