Broke Girls ’

I am the Angel of Plant Death

“And you can send me dead flowers every morning

Send me dead flowers by the mail

Send me dead flowers to my wedding

And I won’t forget to put roses on your grave.”

– “Dead Flowers” by The Rolling Stones

Aneighbor friend of mine, Chris Grokenberger, stopped by last week and generously gave me two plastic bags bulging with grapefruits from the tree in front of his house. It was an awesome trifecta of things I love: neighborliness, grapefruit and gettin’ free stuff.

It made me think how cool it must be to have your own fruit tree or any plant that can give you food. I will never know because I am the Angel of Plant Death.

It is ironic because I will celebrate two years of being a whole-food, plant-based eater in February and yet my entire life I just cannot get stuff to grow. There’s a woman down the street from me who has a bajillion flowers and other plants in her front yard and they look amazing. I have one little rose plant that is clinging for dear life, growing on a trellis. When I walk by it, I swear I can hear it humming Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear The Reaper.”

This topic reminds me of a 1972 episode of the spooky late night TV show “Night Gallery” called “Green Fingers.” In it, Elsa Lanchester (who decades earlier had been the title character in “The Bride of Frankenstein”) played a woman who said that everything she planted grew. She owned a house that a developer wanted to buy so he could build a new project, but she refused. The developer sent some thug to intimidate her and the thug chopped off one of her fingers. The loss of blood and shock was too much and the woman died. When the developer went back to the house the next day, he was admiring the garden and noticed something moving in the dirt. Two hands dig out and later the woman is in the house in a rocking chair with roots and branches growing off of her body. She had planted her chopped off finger and grew a whole new – incredibly creepy – body. She said “I have green fingers. Everything I plant grows. Even me.”

I have no idea why I can remember something that I saw almost 50 years ago so vividly, but can’t remember my Gmail password. What I am sure of, however, is that I shan’t be getting much sleep tonight.

I do not have green fingers, much less a green thumb. Everything I plant dies. I did the experiment a few years back of adding some houseplants and dutifully watering them to add a little life to the living room. I added death.

In the past I tried to grow a little garden and I can’t remember what it was that I was trying to grow . . . hmmm . . . was it tuna? Ketchup? Tube socks? Whatever it was, I was once again disappointed.

Now, I would love to be able to blame this on heredity the way I can with how I am a terrible builder. My pops was a crappy craftsman and I inherited his inability to measure, saw, sand and make anything that resembled what we started out to create.

But when it comes to growing things, my dad could handle his business. For a time back in the 1970s we had a robust garden in the backyard that he dutifully attended to and my family enjoyed corn on the cob, collard greens and tomatoes. One year in particular he had a bumper crop of zucchini and it was pretty much all we ate for weeks.

There were zucchini-kabobs, zucchini creole, zucchini gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There was pineapple zucchini, lemon zucchini, coconut zucchini, pepper zucchini, zucchini soup, zucchini stew, zucchini salad, zucchini and potatoes, zucchini burger, zucchini sandwich. That –that’s about it.

It is with considerable embarrassment that I say that I could not even keep the lil’ green chia sprouts alive on my Bob Ross Chia Head.

Now, it is perfectly OK for me to continue to get my beloved fruits and vegetables from Winco (oh, and I do accept any and all homegrown donations from readers as well), but how satisfying would it be to pretend I am Mr. Green Jeans (old people reference check) and grow my own?

Before I close, I need to say that I tried valiantly to work a reference to the humungous “Little Shop of Horrors” Audrey II plant into this column, but could not. I even thought of including something about only feeding the bloodthirsty mean green mutha from outer space 49ers fans, but it sounded a lil’ too creepy and I’m already gonna have to contact a therapist about that “Green Fingers” thing.

tony Wade The last laugh

bright spot

CoRReCTion poliCy

Courtesy photo illustration Two Pixabay images depicting Tony Wade as the Angel of Plant Death.

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Photo Editor Robinson Kuntz 427-6915 Fairfield freelance humor columnist and accidental local historian Tony Wade writes two weekly columns: “The Last Laugh” on Mondays and “Back in the Day” on Fridays. Wade is also the author of The History Press book “Growing Up In Fairfield, California.”

Young travelers showing trends

Tribune ConTenT AgenCy

Travelers between the ages of 18 and 35 are springing back from the pandemic in big ways.

Over the past year and a half, when all travel was stalled, these travelers were the ones sharing their stories and their favorite destinations on social media, changing not just the destinations they’d like to visit, but also the trends and experiences they prefer.

Younger travelers, according to Contiki, desire either beach vacations, European explorations or something in between.

Immersion and adventure activities are top-of-mind for many travelers as they begin venturing back out into the world. The desire to experience more is going to be the impetus for many young travelers to visit places like Thailand, Ireland, Egypt and South Africa.

Solo travelers also make up almost half of the tour operator’s bookings for next year, signaling not only a confidence in traveling alone but a desire to experience the world from their own unique vantage points.

The average age of travelers booking with Contiki is 27, which makes sense considering that’s usually a time when working professionals are earning enough to begin going on trips before they’re obligated to pay for other expensive life milestones, like marriage, buying a house, or having a child.

Popular destinations for younger clients include Mexico and the Caribbean, especially when it comes to allinclusives, as well as the ever-popular Walt Disney World and Disneyland parks in Florida and California.

The main trend, though, is a focus toward more FIT journeys that focus on immersion and discovery, and the oopportunity to find exercise adventures.

Brad Calkins/Dreamstime/TNS Resort hotels line the beach in Cancun, Mexico. Young tourists were picking Mexico and the Caribbean as their destinations of choice in 2021.