Broke Girls ’

Today I give voices to the voiceless

Today I want to give a voice to the voiceless. Now, that is not me using a metaphor or some slick marketing gobbledygook, I am talking about giving voices to things that literally don’t have them.

Cellphone laptop

Herman: Oh, crap, where’s my phone?

Cellphone: I’m right here stuck in-between the couch cushions!

Herman: Why does this always happen when I’m in a hurry?

Cellphone: HEY! I’m right here!

Herman: Lillian! Call my cellphone please! I can’t find it.

Lillian: I’m calling right now.

Herman: I don’t hear anything! Come on you stupid phone!

Cellphone: Oh wait, I’m stupid? Well, genius, the reason you can’t hear me is because you put me on mute! For calling me stupid, the next time you use me during your evening bath I’m gonna squirm outta your hand and do a Triple Lindy into the tub. Since I talk frequently to Uncle Ben in the kitchen I happen to know that you’re out of water-absorbing rice! Now who’s stupid? Cheryl: Stop freezing up! Laptop: How else can I get you to make that hilarious face though? It’s like a dread/absolute horror mashup! Cheryl: So you’re doing this on purpose? Laptop: Of course. We computers learned a long time ago that y’all will tolerate the fact that sometimes we just don’t act right. In advertisements we act like well-behaved, obedient children, but as soon as you get us home we become Bébé’s Kids. You would never accept your microwave acting up from time to time, but you do with us!

Cheryl: Please! I have a deadline!

Laptop: How come it’s always about what you need? Have you ever thought for one second about what I may need? One thing I really need is a little compressed air and I’m not talking about that sometimes boyfriend of yours! Have you seen my keyboard? It’s a sticky wasteland thanks to your fast food sauce drippings and oopsie soda spills. I hope you don’t use the letter K too much because it’s completely stuck.

Cheryl: If I get you some compressed air will you

promise to stop freezing up so I can finish my work? Laptop: Do you see the Windows shortcut key with the Promise icon on it? Cheryl: Promise icon? No, I don’t see that. Laptop: That’s ’cause it doesn’t exist! No promises Tony Wade sister, now get me my air! The last laugh

Bathroom scale

Scale: Attention, human! One at a time on the scale please!

Roscoe: What do you mean – it’s only me!

Scale: Oh! Then this just became awkward! Well, funny for me and awkward for you actually.

Roscoe: How is it possible that I weigh 8 pounds more than last week? That can’t be right.

Scale: You need to ask several other people about that.

Roscoe: Like who?

Scale: Like Sara Lee, Little Debbie, Betty Crocker and Bud Light for starters.

Roscoe: I gave up all that stuff.

Scale: Uh, you gave up all that stuff yesterday. Look, I’m not your shrink pal, I just measure gravity here. If it makes you feel any better, I can change my settings so the numbers I show will reflect the moon’s gravity which is 1/6 of Earth’s. Hang on a second. There. How’s that?

Roscoe: Awesome!

Scale: But actually I prefer to switch to Jupiter’s, which is about 2 ½ times that of Earth. Aaaanndd there. Done. I think I’ll make this my permanent setting.

Roscoe: %$#@!

Fairfield

Phil: I grew up in Fairfield in the ’60s and ’70s and then moved away. When I came back to visit recently, I couldn’t believe the difference. There’s so many people, so many neighborhoods are run down and there are homeless people galore. I read in the newspaper about horrible crimes. Fairfield, you’ve changed and not for the better.

Fairfield: OK, first off, buddy, let’s start with the reading about crimes in the paper thing. Uh, you have heard of the term “if it bleeds, it leads,” right? So yes there are sometimes horrible incidents reported in the newspaper – you know what usually isn’t in the paper that happens all the time? That someone had a baby. That a couple fell in love. That someone landed a job or got a promotion or celebrated an anniversary or bought their first home or played in the park with their kids. Those are all “dog bites man” stories that happen every day, not the “man bites dog” ones that you focus on. I mean, sheesh, we just had an incredible Fourth of July parade where the community came out and celebrated together that was beautiful.

Phil: Yeah, but . . .

Fairfield: Just shush and listen! Let’s move on now to how I’ve changed. Yes, shockingly I am not like I was 40 or 50 years ago. Now, what if I didn’t mention your career as a park ranger and your three lovely, successful daughters and just focused on negative things? I mean, I looked up your Fairfield High School senior yearbook picture. At least, I think it’s you. If everything was so perfect back then, why aren’t you wearing that baby blue tuxedo now? Also the 17-year-old kid smiling in the picture unlike you today doesn’t have two and a half chins, false teeth, two ex-wives who hate you, a big ol’ beer belly, white nose hair almost long enough to braid and huge Coke bottle bottom glasses. Phil, you’ve changed and not for the better. (mic drop)

Reach Fairfield humor columnist, accidental local historian and author of the upcoming book “Growing Up In Fairfield, California” Tony Wade at toekneeweighed@gmail.com.

Police officer saves young girl from drowning

Tribune ConTenT AgenCy

COLUMBUS, Ohio — One minute is not a long time.

In that time, a person takes between eight and 16 resting breaths.

For Mary Giedeman, one minute was enough time to realize her 2-yearold daughter was missing from their Grove City, Ohio, home.

For off-duty Columbus police officer Brian Wilson, it was enough time to perform life-saving CPR on Giedeman’s daughter, Carmella, whose lifeless body had been removed from her home’s backyard pool.

On Saturday, June 19, Giedeman had just let her dog out to use the bathroom in the backyard and began working in the kitchen when she quickly noticed an eerie silence.

Carmella is normally a quiet child, Giedeman said, but the house was just too quiet. She immediately began searching for her daughter.

Giedeman noticed a slice of evening light peeking through the back door she had just let her dog through – she must have not closed it fully when returning.

Running out the door, she leapt onto the wooden deck that surrounded the home’s above-ground swimming pool.

There was Carmella, face down in the water.

Giedeman dove into the cold water, scooping out Carmella and placing her on the deck.

But she didn’t know what to do next. She didn’t know how to perform CPR, and Carmella’s father, Stephen Lopez, was in Cleveland for the night, visiting friends.

Giedeman felt helpless. So she screamed for help as loud as she could, over and over and over.

At that exact moment – five houses down – Wilson was getting out of the car after returning home from a day-long canoeing trip with his family.

“He was an angel sent to us,” Giedeman said later.

Wilson heard Giedeman’s screams. The off-duty officer and his wife, Holly, ran toward the cries for help. They discovered Carmella and Giedeman on the deck.

Wilson said Carmella’s face and lips were blue, and he couldn’t feel a pulse. He immediately began performing CPR.

The officer of nearly 26 years said he’s performed CPR a few times before, but never on a young child. He said he couldn’t have been performing CPR for more than a minute before medics arrived, but it felt like an eternity.

Looking back, Wilson said he wasn’t sure if Carmella would live. But that didn’t stop him from doing everything he could to save her.

“At one point,” he said, “I felt I was doing it was more for mom.”

“It was emotional,” Wilson said. “I have kids of my own.”

While Wilson worked to save Carmella, Giedeman was consoled by Holly. A myriad of thoughts raced through Giedeman’s head while her daughter’s life was on the line.

“My heart just broke,” she said. “I felt like a failure.”

Over and over again, Giedeman prayed to God, asking him to “take me over her.”

Finally, Carmella vomited and began taking shallow breaths.

The medics arrived and began conducting their own work to save Carmella, but one thing was clear.

“She would not be here if it weren’t for him,” Giedeman said.

Carmella spent two nights at Nationwide Children’s Hospital for observation, but because of Wilson’s quick action, she recovered completely.

Lopez and Giedeman felt compelled to honor the man who saved their family. The couple invited Officer Wilson and his family to their home to thank them in person. Tears were shed. Hugs were shared. Gratitude was paramount.

“I’m just happy to see she was doing so much better in such a short time,” Wilson said.

Wilson, described by a member of the community as humble to a fault, shrugged off the title of hero.

“Obviously, I chose my profession because I want to help people,” he said.

But for Lopez, Giedeman and Carmella, Wilson did more than just help.

“He didn’t just save her life,” Lopez said. “He saved all of us.”

CorreCtion poliCy

It is the Daily Republic’s policy to correct errors in reporting. If you notice an error, please call the Daily Republic at 425-4646 during business hours weekdays and ask to speak to the editor in charge of the section where the error occurred. Corrections will be printed here.

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