orgasmic life
Talking to the boss
Karla Newbey learns that she can no longer hide from her past if she truly wants sexual fulfilment and an orgasmic life
W
e are at the third workshop in the Shakti Tantra women’s programme and, with the support of the group, I am reaching out to someone I’ve kept out of my life for many years because of my shame and guilt. The letter I’m writing is to myself… to my wounded teenage self, who I’m inviting to be part of my life again.
ILLUSTRATION: JESSICA DURRANT/GETTY IMAGES. *NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED
Come back to me, young Karla
Earlier in this series, I wrote about being raped as a 13-year-old. Although I’ve allowed my wounded younger self out to share a little of her experience while having counselling sessions as an adult, I’ve never fully welcomed her into my heart and reintegrated her into my adult self. It may seem odd, but I feel incredibly guilty about what happened to her, as though I’m the grown-up who didn’t look after a child. I’ve been afraid that I’d be overwhelmed by a tsunami of emotions, from rage, terror, sadness and powerlessness – so I kept her locked away and did not participate in some joyful things in life, for fear that she’d ruin them. I’ve come to realise that my wounded teenager wields enormous power. Behind the scenes, she is running the show. When I try to open up to love, she is my shadow, totting up the misdemeanours of those trying to get close to me. She uses every seemingly disrespectful remark or action as another brick in the wall that ‘protects’ me from being hurt again but, ultimately, keeps me separate from deep, long-term connection with others. Of course, the place where she can do the most damage is in my sex life. Although I’ve had long-term sexual relationships, an engagement
and a marriage, I’ve rarely managed to sustain the enjoyment of sex beyond a few years, and this has often contributed to the end of my relationships. Sooner or later, the feelings that came from the experience of being raped would seep into my love life, like poison, associating loving sex with feelings of being dirty, shameful, unworthy of love, powerless; that sex is not a loving act, but an act of violation. Why do these emotions resurface and take over so many years after the event? Now, I realise it’s because I never brought her to the table. I never invited her back into my heart – rather, she was a part of me, my experience of life, that I rejected, so the feelings associated with the event remained stuck in my psyche and body. But this is not how I intend to continue. I want pleasure and fulfilment and I’ll do what I need to change this. Emotions flood through me as I read my letter aloud and try to articulate these complex feelings in the sharing circle. For the first time, I’m genuinely inviting this fractured part of myself back into my life. When I’ve finished speaking, Becky Price, one of the workshop leaders, asks me a question: ‘When does she become I?’ ‘What do you mean?’ I ask. ‘It’s you. It’s your experience. But you’re using the term her, rather than me.’ ‘Now,’ I reply. ‘Today.’
Karla Newbey is attending the women’s Shakti Tantra programme with shaktitantra.co.uk. For more details on Karla’s journey, visit yabyum.co.uk and follow her on Twitter @karla_newbey. Becky Price is a tantra practitioner and offers one-to-one sessions. Contact her at 07526 257869
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