The Truth
Kieren Phelps
I’ve been out on my own for 10 years. It’s time to meet some people.
I’ve got a message to pass on.
If people ever want to be anything better than poor miserable, poisonous worms they’d better listen. We’re all on a tightrope and it’s a long way down.Standing still and being scared is as dangerous as going back or forward. You have to be somebody who’s going across. You have to be somebody who doesn’t need luck, doesn’t hold back. Somebody who talks big and acts bigger.
Somebody who ‘s so big they forget they’re big. Somebody who’s free and acts like it. Somebody who tells people what’s going to happen.
Somebody like me.
Nobody likes to hear the truth. It’s time for a plan, a big plan, you’ve got to have some chaos inside. The world’s a small place and suffering is good for you.
Poison and cold stops you getting indigestion. I work because I like it.
Maybe I’ve been out on my own too long.
I hear laughing, warm as ice. They hate me.
I know where I’m going. Someone will listen but no one and nothing is going to stop me. I don’t think about doing things, I just do them.
Thinkers and believers make me tired. You have to be strong the only expert I listen to is my body. Feel pain, feel pleasure, but ignore your body, that’s suicide. You’re gonna die. Too many thoughts can kill you too; I keep a clear head. A little revenge is human. Knowing you’re strong is no good unless you show it when you’re in the right. Judges’ justice is no good. They only want to see you die. I’ll tell you where you can get justice from, someone who cares. I promise to give everyone what they should get. Don’t try anything with me. Don’t go against the man alone. He won’t forget. Throw something and you’ll get it back.
If you start you’d better finish it and kill him. Dying is important. Everyone thinks it’s a big thing - but never big enough.
My way will be how and when I choose. And no one should be sorry because I’ll have done it all then. I’ll know when. When I’ve got where I’m going You’ve got to go at the right time. You’ve got to be free to die at your best, you don’t want to look stupid and embarrass yourself. Change how people see the things. I’ll stay alive to see that. Forget about chasing money, it drags you down. Stay away from all the easy stuff - soft beds - soft hearts.
Make your own rules, hear the power You’ve got to fight to make things happen.
My religion is what you think is right, is right It’s the only idea.
You have to know the world - the way things really are I like to get away from the smell by getting up high. There are still a thousand places no one has ever been You have to listen to the future. You have to find the truth.
Everything’s got to make sense, you have to make it smooth. Then you’ve got the power. If you don’t listen to yourself you’ll have to listen to somebody else. Taking the lead is a lot of trouble; being in charge of yourself is the hard road, But you get the best of it. You win a life and a chance at the big game, playing for life and death. That’s where I’m going. I’ll never give that up. Nothing can stand up against it. To stop me, they will have to stop me dead. That’s the deal I know it, and it’s worth it. I’m going to change a few things; some eggs are going to get broken. I am going to break a lot of things. I’ve got to find a place to go. I’ve been looking hard.
I haven’t found anywhere that feels right. I’ve always got to leave. I can never go back. The only place I want to be is where I’m going. You have to concentrate on fixing things for next time. Things that have been done are done. They’re finished and done with. You have to get past all that, step over it, it’s
in your way. The way you want is in front of you. Revenge isn’t the answer. Time fixes everything. Look forward. Change things to suit yourself.
We all get life.
It’s difficult to keep quiet around people. The thing that wants to kill me is going to save me. There’s no where else to go no one can follow. It’s a hard way and you’ve got to be hard, right through, to get away. Love is the danger, softness, it makes you stupid, you’ve got to forget all that. Action is the drug, it keeps you going, on the attack. Pity can slow you down. Courage stops that. It doesn’t care about anyone or anything. You can’t kill it, it wants trouble, it likes it. I once saw a man choke to death from laughing.
I’m not ready to die yet. Thinking about something and doing something about it is another. The rules are always changing. The wrong voice in your head can turn a robbery into murder. I don’t read anything that isn’t written in blood. Ideas should be big and overhead, in the air. Terrible things happen, it makes me laugh. Everyone’s too soft, butterflies, love and bubbles. Nobody has to push me to move, I can fly. I’m out in the cold. There are easier ways to kill yourself than to be like me. I hate the state, it’s a liar, it shoots you with stolen bullets or it chews people up with a life of slow suicide.
Look at them always ill the harder they work the poorer they get climbing over each other to get into a deeper hole. The state stinks There are still some empty places if you can find them. Don’t take anything with you. You have to get outside. Live in a lonely place run by your own laws make up your own rules and stick to it.
I get away from the smell, I get up high. You have to live in the future where I live, where people are scared to live. Its a tough place, a cold place, a clean place. Its the future. One day there’ll be a storm, it’ll be me. It will take your breath away. Stand in my way and you’ll die.
I’ve been all over the place and seen all kinds of people and they’ve all got different ideas on what’s right. A popular hobby in one place will get you 10 years somewhere else. Nobody can tell you what’s good and bad. Look at the world and decide for yourself. They just string a load of rules together stick together and point their fingers at other people. Forget it all, make it up yourself. They can’t stand you being on your own. Focus on possibilities, on the future. You’ll always get a hard time if you want to be on your own. You have to be in charge of yourself if you’re strong enough. It’s not enough to want to be free you have to have something to be free for.
Some people are better off keeping their heads down and getting on with it. Give them freedom and they wouldn’t know what to do with it. I don’t care what you’re free from, its what you’re free for that shows in your eyes. It’s hard to be out on your own. It’s hard enough when you’re strong and going somewhere but when you get tired something inside breaks and all you hear is alone. Then it feels stale and pathetic. You start to feel small and everything seems a big lie. You have to kick this feeling in the head. Take a ride and learn what hate means. Look at the faces around you. They hate the way you make them feel.
The further you get away from them the higher you fly and the more they want to drag you down. They’ll throw lies and dirt; you’ve just got to burn brighter. Sometimes I just look, I don’t need to have everything I see. I want to love and die. Those cowards who pretend they care about everybody. They don’t like what I’ve got to say. I know where they are because of their smell. The squeaky clean act shows the dirt when the sun shines.
The sun is on its way. Men aren’t equal and never will be. War and fighting, struggle is the thing in this life. You’ve go to fight your way out of it. They like to watch suffering. They choke me. It’s all choking me, wearing me down. I ‘m not dying, its too soon. I’ve got to think about this. Concentrate, it boils down to something that’s got to be done. I’m part of the pattern and happy about it.
Because people listen to a popular man it doesn’t mean he’s speaking the truth. They’re the fakes, mouthpieces. Listen to the man everybody hates, he’s got it, a free life. He doesn’t swallow the slogans, the sales pitch, the marketing. To know the truth you’ve got to be thirsty, hungry and violent, a hero. Honest men live under the sky burned by the sun, in the hard lands In the city the fat men talk big to keep people happy and doing what their told. That’s OK - but you have to choose who you listen to. Do it right and you can build anything up and smash anything down.
Stay silent. Be cool like ice. The fat men try to push people around but they haven’t got It. The thing that moves it all along.
One, they’ve got to listen. Two, what’s going to happen. Three, I’ve been asleep. Four, I’m away Five, none of it makes any sense Six, I don’t get it Seven, it’s a dark place Eight, I like it Nine, the dark wants to kill me Ten, I’m against it Eleven, for ever
People make me laugh The other day I saw a serious man, a pale thin thing. Ideas like city tap water, been through 5 people already. Spectators. I’m over their heads and they don’t like it. Men aren’t equal and what I want they can’t have. You have to walk in the dirt; sitting around thinking won’t get you anywhere. You have to burn rubber and get dirty. The numbers will give you the answer - you’ll become the answer. I need fresh air not hot air.
It got me down for a while. When big things happen around here, there’s no drum roll. It’ s very quiet if you think you’ve seen me before, you haven’t; it was my shadow. It’s time; I hear it, its all empty, all the same, all rotten, poisoned and dried up, too tired to die. I didn’t eat or sleep for 3 days. I forgot how to talk, when I fell asleep I had a dream. I still don’t get it.
Butterflies as big as dogs, kids faces on TV screens, all laughing at me. I ‘m not scared of much - but I was scared, I screamed like a baby. It makes more sense now. Climbing mountains never killed anyone, falling off is what kills you. I look up but I live on the ground with everybody else.
That’s how I I don’t hide Its good for To live here clean.
like it. from crap people throw at me, I need the practice. me, you have to see it all. you have to be alive, to wash with dirty water and stay
Good luck is when nothing bad happens. I like to watch people who need an audience. They need me to watch them and I like to see what they do. I like to see bad things. I’m usually disappointed people aren’t usually too bad, they’ve got a long way to go. One day there will be some really bad things about, worth fighting; I might be one of them. I’m in trouble, ready to go. What’s happening to me?
I have to get away and I don’t want to.
Who’s ordering me about? Last night when things were quiet she spoke to me. The quiet time. Y’know how it is when you fall asleep. When the ground gives way. Time stops. I felt a frozen fist where my heart should have been. She said - ‘ Do you know who you are? ‘
- I said
‘ Who
wants to know? ‘ I’ve got too mellow; I need to be on my own again. I need some silence, to keep my mouth shut. It’s midnight. I want to get to the other side by dawn. I like to drive. I see plenty of things in plenty of places. But wherever you go, all you ever see is your own reflection. Your own ugly face looking right back at you I’ve been down my most dangerous road - it’s all happened - no
else. To fix things, to make the future, make up for the past. You’ve got to get past yourself first. I don’t want anything for nothing, especially life. Life should be hard, it’s a twoway deal. Give and take. Chase the hard things. Travel the hard way. The way that hurts most. If you want to find good things you have to look for pain. You have to be willing to risk it all and not care much. Not many can do it and those that can, won’t. You have to be able to be very bad to be this honest.
more surprises. This is the big one, the last one. I’m looking for one more horizon. The final distance. I’ve been putting this trip off for a long time. This is the lonely one, the climb and the drop. I don’t chase happiness or women, sometimes, by accident, I get them both. The only things you can really love are your children and your work. It’s time and things have got to be fixed. I’ve got to move. Get over some things. I’m not strong enough yet. I’m looking forward but I still look back. I don’t know when the end will be. I don’t know what time it’s going to happen. The hard part’s later. But now its the afternoon and everything’s peaceful and I don’t want calm when I’m getting ready for shit to happen. Listen to them talk. Their best is small and their worst is smaller. Being a simple ordinary man is something you have to get past. It’s just on the way to somewhere
The sweetest women are bitter which suits me, I don’t like the sweet stuff. They’ve got to be tough to love more than they’re loved back. Men are just big kids who want danger and play. When she’s in love she’s got tunnel vision she’s a fanatic, stay out of her way. When she hates she’s made of ice. You have to be strong and get it right. If a man knows what he wants and a woman knows what she wants and the world is perfect. If all you want meaningless you’ll get meaningless. It takes a lot of bitter lessons to learn about love. Get used to the taste. She said ‘I’m no saint - call me what you like’ and she laughed. I never believe her when she runs herself down
She said. “ You want everything.” She was wrong; the only thing I want is life. I’ve always gone back to life. Life is the one for me. I’m hanging on to it. I miss her when the suns gone. The ground is damp and cold spreads out from the shadows I’ve been looking into the eyes of life again recently; eyes that tempt me back towards
life. The gold in the night. I like it better when she’s far away, or just before. When she’s leaving is best. Looking for her. Trying to find her is what I do. I don’t care. I’ll catch her again. The same old happy ending, for a while. For the same reasons, she loves me but she doesn’t like me. She doesn’t like what I do, but wouldn’t want me if I didn’t do it. Around midnight she said she knew I was leaving her, she was right. I whispered in her ear ‘ I don’t care about anyone else.’
I’ve lived in that noise too long - shouted secrets and lies. Too many people, you get too close, you can’t see them anymore. It makes you feel empty. They buzz about you like flies. Stay too long and you’ll stop noticing the rotten smell. I’m heading for the mountains and clean air. I’m going to smash through some walls. There’s only one expert. The only man I trust. He knows what’s right and I listen to him. Me.
You have to keep things simple. Don’t carry anyone else’s luggage, travel light. Don’t look at anything you don’t want to. Know what you want and keep it simple. There’s no time for grey. Yes or no, black or white. I can wait, I ‘ve taught myself to wait.
Nobody can fly right away, you’ve got to wait. I’ve been trying things out and asking questions.I asked myself for directions. I know my way. It’s right because it’s where everything is going.
The big action. Trust nobody. The wind is blowing everything is moving. Make your own rules and move on. Stay alive. There’s plenty of filth in the world, but the world’s not a filthy place. You’ve got to get past the filth. Be strong. There’s too many tired faces, eyes twitching. And all those fat arses too lazy to die.
Push them out of the way, I’ve got things to do. Look at that sky its deep and dark, but I get it. It’s where all the roads are going . Its where I ‘m flying to and it reminds me that I’m in the hands of chance, the old game. We’ve been friends from the start but its time to say goodbye, here comes
the sun. Can you hear the rumble of the engine? Can you hear the tyres squeal, you can hear me coming, get out of my way. (It’s night) Everything is louder at night. I’m hearing love songs, some on the outside and one on the inside. Its an old tune. I’ve heard it before, I used to like it, but it’s cruel and dangerous.
On a cold night like this I hear it. It makes me thirsty. I need a drink - everything’s louder at night You’ve got to be tough - hard enough to cut metal I know what I want to do, write the future on metal. I’ll be ready, you have to see things clearly. You don’t need anything else.w Its time to open your eyes and stay awake forever. Its time to live and time to suffer. You have to hear the music and you have to see the pattern, everything has a pattern, it goes round and round; dies, lives, breaks and is fixed; it all goes around and comes back forever. Every minute is a piece of the pattern. A snapshot the beginning of something.
Learn to fly. You have to find yourself a spot on the horizon. Point yourself at it. I’ve got to go a long way. There’s a storm coming, it’s me and I’m bringing the future. Keep going, even when you can’t see where you are. Picture it in your mind, be strong. Don’t look sideways, life’s too confusing. Go straight on, one afternoon you’ll get there. The sun’s going down. This will be it.