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MART in ev LET e copyry

Tuesday April 1, 2014

Pig jumps from roof —And

flies!!! OMG! Limited time offer! FREE MARTLET INSIDE!!!


Cookies are good!!! BY PJ ZAP

OMG, I just love cookies! Don’t you? They’re so good, right? Some have raisins or chocolate and some don’t, but then they have other stuff. Well, maybe they don’t, but they’re still totally good. At least, I think they are. I’m sure you do too, ha ha. Or . . . what’s wrong with you?! Ha ha ha. Wait, what’s that you say? You don’t think cookies are good?! Lol, you are

so wrong! I now want you to use your imagination and imagine. You are walking along and, uh-oh, you’re hungry. Aww, ha ha. What do you want to eat? You’re like, “OMG, I should eat a salad,” but that’s boring, and anyway you don’t have a salad. Then you’re like, “Okay, I’ll eat celery or fruit or whatever,” but that’s stupid and you don’t. So what do you eat? Cookies, of course! In addition to chocolate chip and

Fir tree goes to court

Tree lashes ouT aT curious bysTanders BY HEILMAN AMOS The big fir on the east side of the creek is fed up with tourists calling him old. He promises to fall over on the next bunch of annoying cameracarrying visitors. “I’m serious this time,” the tree warned. “The next time some tourist cuts off one of my limbs to count my rings, I will snap.” The tree is abnormally large but has only been around for 94 years. Although no spring chicken, this fir should have a few hundred more years to live and is sick of being called old. “Some of my neighbours are over 300 years old and no one gives them a hard time,” the tree said. The most recent incident saw a young couple from some Frenchspeaking country poking the fir with a wire to see what consistency the sap was. The fir groaned and leaned, scaring the tourists right into Beaver Creek’s fast flowing waters. “I’m not sorry,” the fir exclaimed. “They deserved it, that’s not how you

treat a living thing.” Buckle up; the ensuing lawsuit is a weird one, as the tourists are asking for some thousands in damages. The tourists were also planning on harassing Babe the Blue Ox in Minnesota. The fir’s lawyer, some guy in a toupée, said they wouldn’t have any problem in court if the big tree wasn’t so irate. “It is like he is out to get everyone these days,” toupée-man said. “I think those people finally put him over the edge. I am now thinking an insanity plea isn’t a bad option. I’m certainly insane for taking this case.” This is the second time that legal action has been taken against the fir tree. How could anyone forget the infamous Fir tree vs. Beaver dam property suit that dragged on for 10 months in ‘99. The provincial government is thinking of cutting down the historic fir, but fears an outrage from the strong hippie community in B.C. As the legal system in B.C. knows, going to court against a hippie is almost weirder than with a tree.

People in SUB do things? BY MAX POWER So I saw this guy a while ago? You know, that one guy, with the hair and the shirts? Well, the guy was walking past that place in the SUB, not like the sandwich place, I mean like the Student Whatever Building? And it was that place, you know that place? With the tables? Anyway, the guy was walking, and I was watching him, you know? Then he turns and goes down the hall? You know, that hall across from the place with the movies? What’s it called? Movies, like a cinema? Like, it’s the centre for cinema? You know, that place? So the guy went in there, and I guess it kinda seemed like he was going to do something important? You know when you see somebody that has like an air of ... like an atmosphere of ... like just a really purposeful vibe? Like maybe they

don’t end their sentences with questions as much as you do? So yeah, the guy went in that hall across from the place with the movies, you know, with all the offices and stuff? And then he came back, and then he went down the stairs. I guess because there are stairs there? And he didn’t come back out for a while I think? And when he did, he was carrying a clipboard, and he like, went up to people and started talking to them, and I was like, “whaaaaa?” So then I asked around, and I found out the guy works for some other newspaper that’s here I guess? It was called, like, something like a birds name? I don’t know because I’m not a bird ... studying ... guy, but I guess it was a mythical made-up bird? Anyway, yeah, that’s what happened to me that time.


oatmeal, there are also Oreos and all the other kinds. Even gingerbread is a type of cookie! I bet you never ever looked around and saw how many cookies there are! OMG, so many cookies! Ha ha! When you really stop to be philosophical and contemplate, you see that, in essence, everything we eat is a type of cookie, basically. Okay, maybe they’re not made of flour or whatever, but there can still be diversity, you

know! Not all cookies have to be the same!!!!! Stop being such a conformist! Now you’ll finally see that muffins are kind of cookies, and even other foods like bananas and even apples are almost like cookies, or maybe the “cousins of cookies”! Mind. Blown. You’re probably wondering what my favourite type of cookie is. Right? Well, don’t worry. I’ll tell you! Da-daduuuuhhh! (OMG, the suspense!) My favourite type of cookie is . . . the

cookie . . . I’m eating . . . right now!!! Ha ha ha!!! But also I like chocolate chip best, because, OMG, chocolate, right? Right??!! But you should also watch your health and stuff, obviously so don’t eat too many cookies. Or . . . maybe . . . you should, ha ha! Cooooookiiiiieeees.

Ford Stupored, Remains Mayor HIMY SYED VIA FLICKR (PHOTO)

BY GABERAHAM LUNNCOLN Toronto Mayor Rob Ford was found this past week to be acting in a ludicrous manner in the presence of the media and all those wielding iPhones. Seen in a shaky video featuring poor sound quality, the mayor was acting rambunctious during a city social event where he’d apparently gone into a “drunken stupor,” causing him to offend others around him. Among the potential drugs the mayor could have consumed are crack-cocaine, overpriced wine, regular cocaine, his character, or crack-cocaine,

though none of these are confirmed. The mayor has since apologized for his behaviour, restating it as a “drunken stupor.” Ford also stated that he will continue to dedicate himself to his city through healthier living and “nondrunken stupors.” Later that day, Ford was found running through downtown Toronto acting in such a way that might be described as a Chris Farley or a Hulk Hogan impression. Rob Ford Must Go protesters stood outside the Ford offices in a grouchy manner yelling to other citizens on the street that Ford is definitely not Toronto’s

choice of mayor. When members of the protest were asked who they believed would be best suited for the city’s next mayor, they responded with a hesitant “whoever’s next.” Ford has insisted that he is the appropriate choice for Toronto, stating again that he is a man of the people and that other politicians are aristocrats who “just don’t get the people like I get the people,” said Ford before speeding off in his chauffeured Lincoln Town Car with three showgirls and a marching band following them as downtown traffic was parted.

Coffee shop opens —serves coffee! BY AGNES ELLIOTT DOYLE A brand new coffee shop is slated to open in Victoria next week. There is high demand for another one to open, since according to studies the current number of cafés (the specific count unknown) isn’t quite fiercely competitive enough. I sat down with Eugene Bean, the owner of the coffee shop, before its opening day, to find out what makes this place so unique. “What I think is so astonishing about this place is that it’s just so, how can

I put this . . . great. You know?” he said during the exclusive and private interview. The café, which is the size of a normal café, is on the corner of one of the main streets downtown. “It has tables, and even chairs! Oh, and the coffee, well, it leaves you with this feeling,” reveals Bean. Apparently, the café may or may not provide tea and snacks; however, they will certainly provide coffee—brown, warm, and better than ever! Locals are excited about the new business because it will be, “hopefully,

pretty much like all the other coffee shops in town,” says one diehard fan of warm drinks. Josephine Brown has been going to one of the city’s most popular places for quite a few years. Amazingly, she says she drinks coffee nearly every day. “We haven’t seen a story like this in years—it’s what the people want to know about, and it’s happening,” said the local police about the new instalment. Sounds like many people will probably visit this place every morning (or afternoon) for their daily dose.







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Know something newsworthy going on? Tweet it to @theMartlet.


The UVic Pride Collective makes pamphlets, sterile syringes, and other harm reduction materials available to people in need.

Pride promotes drug user safety, offers education and supplies Collective teams with AIDS Vancouver Island for harm reduction initiative JANINE CROCKETT UVic Pride Collective, a UVic Students’ Society constituency group that represents and services queer and trans students, held a harm reduction workshop in the Michèle Pujol Room on March 17. Harm reduction, according to AIDS Vancouver Island’s website, is “a set of practical strategies that reduce negative consequences of drug use, incorporating a spectrum of strategies, from safer use to managed use to abstinence.” A representative from AIDS Vancouver Island spoke at the workshop about harm reduction resources available in Victoria. The workshop highlighted many of the services UVic Pride will offer

with a new harm reduction initiative. Brennan Welch, a Pride co-ordinator, says the collective has been doing the workshops to help change unpleasant reactions from people to harm reduction supplies. “[People] have a lot of misconceptions and kind of emotional gut reactions to things, and so we want to be able to not just have the supplies but supply information and be able to talk to people about why we’re doing this and why it’s relevant to the UVic community,” they said. According to the workshop, harm reduction works with each person on an individual basis, not necessarily to ask that they stop their risky behaviour, but to give them the tools to make their behaviour safer. The

concept of harm reduction emerged from individuals who have used drugs and is largely based on experiential knowledge. Drug use is looked at as a reality by AIDS Vancouver Island, not a negative or a positive. However, AIDS Vancouver Island wants those seeking its services to have a positive experience. The speaker said some people who go to their doctor to receive treatment, and have a bad experience, are hesitant to return. UVic Pride will provide things such as clean straws, pipes, sterile water, alcohol pads, and a variety of syringes for intravenous, steroid, and testosterone injection as part of its harm reduction initiative. The collective will also offer information on harm

reduction and safer use of drugs. Pride is using some of its own budget for supplies, but most are provided by AIDS Vancouver Island. So far, Pride has had mostly positive reactions, but Cal Mitchell, a Pride co-ordinator, says, “I feel like we’re prepared for a potential negative reaction, but we do have a lot of support in the building. We have a lot of support from other people who do similar work. The people within the collective seem to support it pretty much unanimously.” Pride hopes the collective will have its harm reduction initiative fully operating by the end of April, after its members finish consulting with AIDS Vancouver Island and getting trained. “I feel like, personally, I’m hoping

that this initiative, and getting word out about this, really starts a conversation about awareness and kind of starts a conversation about the stigma of drug use, especially amongst people of the UVic community, because there seems to be an idea that if you’re going to postsecondary education, you don’t use drugs,” says Mitchell. “[The impression is] ‘Obviously. Why would you be going to somewhere so elite and carry so much social capital if you are using drugs of any kind,’ and there’s just no conversation about it. And when there’s no conversation about it, it’s really easy to get into behaviours and habits that are not as safe as you could be while using.”

March 27, 2014


Demonstrators unite under a handmade sign, at the march against hate crimes through Greenwich Village of New York, on May 20, 2013.


What makes a hate crime?

Abbotsford agency gets $150 000 for anti-hate campaign TARYN BROWNELL On March 17, the minister responsible for multiculturalism, Teresa Wat, announced that the B.C. government has launched an anti–hate-crime campaign called Know Hate. The campaign, which is run in partnership with the B.C. Hate Crimes Team and Abbotsford Community Services (ACS), primarily targets online hate crimes. “The main goal is really to create a space for people to really define what the difference between what a hate crime is, versus discrimination, and really know what they can do about it,” said Brad Young, a community developer involved with the campaign at ACS. “We were talking about it quite a bit as the project


was developing, and we found out that there’s a lot of mystery, I guess, around the Internet especially. So that’s why there’s a section [on the website] especially on Internet hate crimes. We really wanted people to know that you can do something about stuff on the Internet and to really be able to defi ne that.” In November 2013, ACS was awarded $150 000 to develop the Know Hate campaign. According to its website, ACS is a community-based agency with goals such as providing direct social community services and heightening awareness of social concerns within the community. Manpreet Grewal, director of multicultural and immigration services at ACS, said that, as well as designing a website and paying staff, the money

March 27, 2014

has mostly gone to developing the campaign and paying to make and put up the posters. “It’s a provincial campaign, so there’s a bus campaign on the island, a bus campaign in the interior and north, and then a skytrain campaign in the metro area,” she said. Statistics Canada reports that the most common motivation for hate crimes is race or ethnicity, although sexual orientation is a more common motivation in violent hate crimes. With the level of cultural diversity present in B.C. alone (approximately 40 000 immigrants enter B.C. every year), the Know Hate campaign is pushing to prevent further incidents of discrimination and hate crimes. “I think it’s always important for people to unite when hate crimes

happen,” said Grewal. “If the knowledge and education is always there, then people can detect them quite early and try and come together as a community.” The Know hate website encourages anyone who is the victim of a hate crime to report it. The campaign includes an explanation of what to expect when reporting a hate crime, as well as examples of cases in which crimes have been reported and the wrongdoer has been sentenced. For Internet hate crimes specifically, the website draws a distinction between offensive material and criminal offences. When discrimination turns criminal, it becomes a hate crime. According to Young, hate crimes happen everywhere and are underreported. He says he is glad to see

that B.C. is taking the initiative to do a campaign about it now and that it’s important to educate people on hate crimes, all over Canada. “When I’m talking to the B.C. Hate Crimes teams, they’re talking about how bullying can sometimes be considered a hate crime, when it’s based on your race or your gender—all those identifiable groups—and I think there’s a lot of information out there about bullying right now, but there’s not quite as much about hate crime,” said Young. For more information on the Know Hate campaign and how to report a hate crime, go to

Buy items with your time United Way auctions prizes for volunteer hours NICHOLAS BURTON-VULOVIC On April 17, United Way of Greater Victoria will host an event called “Volunteering with Benefits . . . It’s about Time!” This event, put on by the UnitedNOW! Council in partnership with the Telus Victoria Community Board, features a silent auction at which volunteers will bid on prizes donated by local businesses. However, rather than bidding with money, attendees will bid their time, volunteering to help with a local non-profit organization of their choice. Taking place downtown in the Strathcona Hotel, the event will last two and a half hours and feature a spoken word entertainer and appetizers, included in the price of the ticket. The point of the event is to help raise awareness of community issues among young people. “One of the ways we wanted to encourage people to get involved was through volunteering,” said United Way Community Impact Associate Tara Taggart. “At that age, they’re often in school, or starting out in their career, and don’t have a lot of disposable income, and we didn’t want to let that deter people from becoming involved.”

At the event, a number of local organizations will set up booths to help young people explore volunteering opportunities, including Youth in Action, Need2, the Royal B.C. Museum, and Big Brothers Big Sisters. Nevertheless, bidded hours are not limited to these organizations. According to UnitedNOW! Council member Ashley Forseille, in the event’s five-year history, the auctioneers have never turned away a bidder’s preferred organization. However, for people who would prefer guidance, the event will help showcase a number of organizations in the community that are looking for volunteers. Members of United Way will be on hand to help suggest avenues for volunteerism, including one-day events and community partners of United Way. As for the auction itself, the prizes range from the somewhat jejune (a coffee mug) to the slightly more exotic. “Past years’ prizes have ranged from tablets, to plane tickets to Vancouver,” said Taggart. “We’ve had Canucks jerseys before, hotel stays, even event tickets.” Organizers have worked to arrange for a variety of prizes, so that the number of hours required to win are attainable for first-time volunteers. “We’re really

conscious, when we’re putting the prizes together, to make sure there’s a range,” explained Taggart, with prizes typically going for anywhere from four to 50 volunteer hours. While the auction and the prizes are a bid to encourage participation, the main goal remains to promote volunteerism and philanthropy, as well as an awareness of Victoria’s unique community issues. “It’s about having people take that first step, to get involved in the community,” said Taggart. The United Way council hopes that, by fostering an atmosphere of energy and entertainment, they can convince people in their 20s and 30s to help give back to the community. United Way itself has a 75-year history in Canada and is made of more than 100 autonomous, volunteer-based groups that share common branding and values. This means that United Way of Greater Victoria is uniquely local in its focus. “Funding goes to programs that are specific to Victoria,” said Forseille. When deciding where to allocate the millions of dollars raised through fundraising campaigns, “United Way looks for programs that are needed here, at the issues that are biggest in Victoria


Youth may bid time commitments to charities of their choice. and need to be funded and that aren’t.” In Victoria, United Way does not function as a service-delivery organization. Instead, it works to raise funds and distribute them to front-line organizations that are selected by its council, after reviewing project proposals. Its priorities include educating children, helping those struggling with mental health

and addiction issues, and aiding those in poverty to develop the skills to help them become self-sufficient. Tickets for the Volunteering with Benefits event are $10 each, and may be purchased online through United Way’s website at

Transit prints driver thank-you cards Drivers say B.C. Transit could do more NICHOLAS BURTON-VULOVIC On March 18, B.C. transit held a Transit Driver Appreciation Day. The date, selected as an homage to the start of bus service in Paris in 1662, was an opportunity for transit users to show their appreciation for the operators of public services. Although Paris’s early bus system was not to last, the organizers of Transit Driver Appreciation Day hope that their celebration will prove more enduring. B.C. Transit honoured the occasion by encouraging riders to show their appreciation with printed driver thank-you cards. “For 365 days of the year, the men and women of B.C. Transit work hard to provide outstanding transit services to our customers” said B.C. Transit President and CEO Manuel Achadinha, in a press release. “I invite the public to join me in thanking our drivers for delivering on the company’s core values of safety, integrity, and customer service.” Reactions across the province varied. According to B.C. Transit spokesperson Meribeth Burton, the response was strongest in Prince George, where the Prince George Citizen ran a front-page story. “When people look at buses and the people who are doing this very complex job every day, they may not take the time to appreciate what he or she is going through,” Burton said. “We have a lot of very high-expectation professionals who are driving buses. We hire them for that reason; they’re incredible at customer service, and they’re incredible at efficiency.” However, despite the high praise from

B.C. Transit, bus drivers said that more could be done to appreciate them. One bus driver commented that operators needed “more bathroom breaks.” Though many Victoria transit users regularly thank drivers while getting off the bus, some drivers said that B.C. Transit doesn’t always show the same appreciation. Another driver who commented on the condition of anonymity said, “Management doesn’t really know what we do until there’s a report—one or the other, good or bad.” “I think they could recognize us a little bit, recognize our job a little better. Some of our safety issues, running times, things like this that need to be addressed,” said another driver, who also wished to remain anonymous. The same driver added that helping solve issues such as bus pass-ups would make their job easier and show that B.C. Transit really appreciates its workers. The issue of bus pass-ups has been a heated one in Victoria, where students from the University of Victoria and Camosun College, as well as B.C. Transit operators, collected a petition last year seeking a solution to pass-ups on busy routes. The Make Transit Work campaign continues to lobby the Victoria Regional Transit Commission for solutions, including dedicated bus lanes and more efficient allocation of resources. Though these issues frustrate riders and drivers alike, appreciation of the drivers themselves is an essential part of the transit system. Burton reminded riders that, in addition to thanking operators personally, riders can also tweet or call B.C. Transit, to express compliments on the actions of individual drivers.

Regular verbal thank-yous are one form of appreciation for local drivers.


March 27, 2014



Once a year, the Martlet lets off steam in its April Fool’s Day inspired spoof issue.




Humour: it’s no laughing matter What does it mean to be funny? It’s different for different people. Some people love fart jokes, while others prefer intricate social satire. Different theories on humour suggest that unexpectedness can be a trigger of laughter, or that people who are confused won’t find a joke funny. Humour tends to rely on the shared experience, which means that topics a lot of people know about have more potential to be funny. So a joke that brings up a well-known, serious event, issue, or person, and turns it on its head, making it absurd, light-hearted, silly, is playing off the effect of contrast and universal understanding for its success. Basically, it’s likely to get a laugh. Maybe that’s why comedians who are offensive to some are also funny to most. Interestingly enough, humour can be a clever and surprisingly effective way of holding up a metaphoric measuring stick to the logic of an idea. Humour and satire are valuable because they flout stigmas or taboos in a way that encourages us to examine, process, and re-evaluate. Humour humanizes public figures and complicated issues—it sparks important discussion, breaks the ice, and provides comic relief; it is a way to share culture. It can be used as a tool for communicating to the masses; an idea that’s funny gets across more easily than a monotone lecture or long paper. A prime example of this is Barack Obama taking the stage on the popular Internet talkshow Between Two Ferns, hosted by Zach Galifianakis, who is best known for his acting work in the Hangover films. The webisode consisted of Obama and Galifianakis exchanging biting jokes framed as questions at each other. For example, Galifianakis’ question “What is it like to be the last black president?” was answered by Obama’s “Really? What’s it like for this to be the last time you ever talk to a president?” While some have criticized Obama for participating in the simple online video, he effectively used the opportunity to plug the United States’ healthcare website, which saw traffic go up 40 per cent after the show racked up over 20 million views. On the other hand, humour also has the potential to hurt feelings and change perspectives in ways that are only favourable to some, not beneficial at all, or even harmful. Humour can validate or normalize behaviour that causes harm. So, in deciding whether or not it’s okay to make a joke, the question is whether the harm of telling the joke outweighs the benefit it will provide. A joke told among friends who are unlikely to be negatively impacted or influenced is harmlessly funny. A joke with greater reach, by virtue of affecting more people, has a spectrum of possible good and bad results; the riskier the material, the greater the potential for gain—or harm. As important as humour is, humourists only have so many tools and perspectives with which to predict their jokes’ outcomes. Sometimes, when something’s funny to you, you just have to put it out there, but be prepared to listen to constructive criticism before deciding whether to stand behind your comedic contribution. Editorial topics are decided on by staff at our editorial meetings, held weekly in the Martlet office (SUB B011). Editorials are written by one or more staff members and are not necessarily the opinion of all staff members. Happy? Sad? Enraged? Tell us: The Martlet has an open letter policy and will endeavour to publish letters received from the university and local community. Letters must be submitted by email, include your real name and affiliation to UVic and have “Letter to the editor” in the subject line. Letters must be under 200 words and may be edited.


UVic PhD student satirizes the type of thinking that may be encouraged by a recent National Post article

POLICING YOUTH RADICALIZATION “Officer, please, can you come and pick up my 14-year-old son? He’s exhibiting symptoms of ‘radicalization.’ The front page of the March 4th National Post instructed me to turn over my children if we thought they might be having symptoms of ‘radicalization.’ No one knows what ‘radicalization’ means, so I looked it up. Radical  means to return to our ‘roots.’ So, I told him, ‘Our roots are white, not terrorist!’ I don’t know what really happened to those angry and confused 130 youth who decided to become so un-Canadian? I hope someone had the wherewithal to ask them what they were so upset about. Are they concerned about ‘global warning?’ While I don’t think my child watches Al Jazeera yet, he asks questions about the high rates of cancer for Aboriginal tarsanders. He asks why it looks like an A-Bomb went off from Google Earth (does Google own the Earth now?). He asks

me where vegetables come from? He knows  I shop at Amazon. Officer, I’m uncomfortable with these questions and wonder if you could at least speak to him. He wants to get a consumer index barcode for a tattoo. Do handcuffs hurt? Not according to Fifty Shades of Gay. Oh, speaking of my husband. Lately, he’s been crying non-stop. He says all the starfish have melted into extinction and 10 million baby scallops died last week upisland Vancouver Island because they couldn’t form a shell—he keeps mumbling something about “Fukushima.” I told him, “I don’t even like seafood!” Then there’s my neighbour; she sends me 13 petitions a day on Facebook. We used to exchange coupons. What happened to coupons? My gay nephew rages on about rape culture. Or is it the rape of our culture? Please, what is he talking about! Oh, to knock it out of the ballpark, my mother-inlaw has a basement full of protest

signs: “Make love, not war!” Officer, I’m afraid she doesn’t know enough about condoms to make those claims. I feel much safer knowing Mr. Harper’s Canada  continues to expand your many police roles to include those of street outreach worker, drug and alcohol counsellor, marriage mediator, and now moral authority over our children. I can only imagine the many years of training you must have, to know so much. I do hope with all the taxpayer’s money raised to secure us against this groundswell of radical socialism you get a little extra for your pocket, too. I remember the days when you were internationally revered. Will  Monday  after school, work for you?” Robert Birch PhD student Social Dimensions of Health program

CYCLIST ENFORCEMENT DRAMA I’m writing about a situation I witnessed on March 12 in the UVic bus exchange, between two police officers and a student on her bike. It was around noon and quite busy with students waiting for buses and walking back and forth.  All of a sudden, a large police vehicle sped into the area, entering the wrong way, and stopped in front of the Bookstore.  It caught me by surprise, and I wondered what they were responding to.  I looked closer and saw that the

officers were giving a ticket to a student on her bike who had just ridden across the walkway. My thoughts here are not about my personal opinions on our overprotective society (bike helmet laws) but more about the overly dramatic and ineffective way that the police officers dealt with the situation.  First of all, in regards to safety, having a large vehicle speeding into this area, in the wrong direction, with a multitude of students walking around,

would potentially cause more damage than a student on her bike. Secondly, if the police are interested in enforcing this law with respect, I would propose that they take an exemplary approach and meet the students on a similar level, on a bike perhaps and without the drama.  Frances Semple UVic student

March 27, 2014


Canadian government curbs voting KIM LENNY Rose Henry is a champion for the underprivileged. She is the founder of the Victoria Coalition to End Homelessness and has sat on boards for the Together Against Poverty Society and the B.C. Public Interest Advocacy Centre. Henry has a long history of fighting for social justice. Her most recent battle has taken her all the way to the Supreme Court to fight a true Goliath—the Federal government. In 2008, she challenged An Act to amend the Canada Elections Act. According to the government, the amendment, which created stricter voter identification and vouching requirements, was meant to prevent fraud. However, voter fraud has never been a substantial problem in Canada, and the provision would impede marginalized groups’ ability to cast their ballot. This violates Section 3 of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, which guarantees the right of all citizens to vote. According to the British Columbia Civil Liberties Association, “ . . . [T]he new voter identification rules impose a barrier to voting that disproportionately affects certain groups, such as homeless, Indigenous, and rural voters, and . . . there is little evidence to suggest there was a voter fraud problem to justify changes to the legislation. The government’s justifications for these measures do not outweigh the serious risk of disenfranchisement for marginalized and vulnerable individuals.” Furthermore, according to Elections Canada, the Federal Elections in 2008, following the amendment, marked the lowest percentage of registered voter turnout in recorded history. How many electors were turned away at the ballot box for not having the proper identification is unknown. Henry’s case went to B.C.’s Supreme

Rose Henry fought the Federal government on Bill C-31 in the Supreme Court of Canada in 2009. Court in 2009. Justice Lynne Smith presided over the case, and found that although the provision did infringe on Charter Rights afforded by Section 3, the provision was justifiable under Section 1, which states that rights can be limited under certain conditions (when the law has a justifiable purpose proportional to the right it infringes). The provision was upheld. On Feb. 4, 2014, the 252-page Fair Elections Act was introduced by the Harper government. Revisions to the

Electoral Act included limitations on the Chief Electoral Officer, preventing him or her from encouraging citizens to vote, and the prevention of Elections Canada from publishing research and statistics. The bill also moves investigatory power from the hands of the Chief Electoral Officer to those of civil servants, whose paycheques come from the government. And what of our friend Henry? Henry, with the help of a few friends, is looking into appealing her case. In a speech to


the Senate, Victoria MP Murray Rankin stated that if Henry were to take her case back to the courtroom, she would surely win. However, she sounds a bit tired of the whole thing. No supporters were present for her court case in 2009, besides her lawyers and two plaintiffs who assisted her. Considering the 60 000 Canadians who have so far signed a petition against the Act, I like to think she would receive greater support next time around.

I asked her what she would like the purpose of this article to be. She said she wants to encourage everyone to vote. Ultimately, she wants the Elections Act to be rewritten. “And a guaranteed livable income for all,” she added . I certainly don’t aim to accomplish all that with an article, but I would like to offer a wake-up call. As Canadian citizens, we have a right and responsibility to be informed, and to show up to the ballot box on elections day.

Capitalism killed Internet collectivism JEREMY VERNON Throughout its history, much has been made of the Internet’s promise of emancipation. Celebrants the world over claimed, and continue to claim, that the Internet and the web will empower citizens to topple oppressive regimes, expose fraud and waste, and push back against corporate greed and monopoly. Yet, this promise has yet to materialize. The role of the web, social media in particular, in recent revolutions is celebrated widely in the mainstream media. Yet, upon closer examination, social media seems marginal in its influence. In some cases, such as Egypt, it was actively co-opted by the regime to track and arrest dissidents— all with equipment and software supplied by Western corporations; contrary to trade sanctions. This is hardly surprising when one considers the short arc of Internet history. Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Skype—these services are often spoken in the same breath as nongovernmental organizations and humanitarian civil societies. Yet there is a key difference: they are owned wholly by very large, profit-centric, American-headquartered corporations. They are required to pursue a course of action in the best interests of their shareholders, which are assuredly


not the poor and under-represented. Less recognizable names, such as CenturyLink, Level 3, and Cogent, are no less important to how the Internet works. These are the Tier 1 network— wholly private enterprises that own the backbone, utterly essential infrastructure of the web. Having built the infrastructure, which includes large urban hub-stations, undersea cables, and interchange points between providers, the government handed over management to wholly private, forprofit enterprises. Telecommunication companies and cable providers, with governmentguaranteed monopolies (some nearly a century old), provide the “last mile” connectivity to consumers at massively inflated prices. End-to-end, the Internet and the web are controlled by capitalist enterprises. A particular sort of oligopolistic, price-fixing capitalism pervades the information technology industry, especially media and service providers, due in part to the winner-take-all network economics of the industry, unfettered by regulatory intervention. The exceptions put the norm of the capitalist Internet into stark relief. For example, Wikipedia, open-source, and Creative Commons communities provide virtually unadulterated public goods. Even these, however, are not obviously counter-capitalist—open

March 27, 2014

source software forms the underpinnings of practically every major web firm in existence. Add to this the massive, publicly funded research efforts required to develop the core technologies. That, co-mingled with the protection from competition afforded by overreaching patents, and harmonized internationally through World Intellectual Property Organization, makes the public subsidy for the Internet perhaps the greatest ever known, for any invention. Yet, the mythology remains that the enterprise of the private sector made the Internet possible. The same corporations that benefit from an egalitarian, open Internet are, for the most part, hell-bent on repealing whatever civic protection the Internet has. For example, in the U.S., in 2002, the Federal Communications Commission ruled that cable companies do not have to comply with “common carrier” regulations. Then provisions for telephone companies were soon repealed—a decision upheld by the Supreme Court in NCTA vs. Brand X, resulting in the collapse of the broadband Internet service provider market to a tiny handful of extremely profitable companies. The story is the same for mobile data services and the auctioning of wireless spectrum. Both the U.S. and Canada share the same market dynamics.

These regulatory choices were made mostly without public consultation or awareness. The only real public controversies emerge when capitalist interests conflict, such as Google flexing its lobbying muscle to stop SOPA/ PIPA (Stop Online Piracy and Protect IP acts) in 2012, so it could retain its dominant position in search and the value of YouTube. When corporate interests press against the public good with no competing corporate concern, regulatory silence and compliance with corporate interest set in. Consider the monumental efforts required to stop Bell Canada from implementing usage-based billing. A facially unfair measure that barely warranted consideration was very nearly approved by the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission, which is increasingly a rubber-stamp institution for Canada’s dominant media enterprises. This inequity in revenues would be bad enough, but the web has had a corrosive effect on our culture, an effect that generates rent for the big players. The currency of the web, without which there would be no Google or Facebook or virtually any other social network, is advertising. Advertising on the web is not merely the bringing together of potential customers with products, but the commodification of

our entire personal lives as avenues for marketing—the taking of memories, ideas, correspondences, and converting them to leads, clicks, and keywords valued at fractions of a penny. Our identities, as they are siphoned up by social networks and web services, are capital exploited for profit. Twitter is not a public forum; it is a shopping mall—a place for users to be surveilled, sold, and sold to. Let’s be clear about the nature of this type of advertising; this is not the benign suggestion of useful goods, which is a service amply provided by websites like Consumer Reports or CNet and countless enterprising bloggers and vloggers. Modern advertising is the incessant barrage of emotionally manipulative symbols to induce us to consume, and the conflation of lifestyle with consumption habits. Advertising is, for the most part, the only way corporate capitalism can function—if genuine desire or necessity drove sales, many firms would simply go out of business. The web is an unending gusher of this media, and it shows no sign of slowing down. The rise of the Internet was heralded as a golden-age of consumer and citizen empowerment. While the Internet is still in its early days, capitalist globalization has moulded the structures of the privately controlled, publicly consumed Internet.


You can ask what people would like to eat at UVic.

KAPIL PURI Fourth year Economics


Maybe like some Indian cuisine, Thai, Asian, apart from just what they have available, the usual chicken wraps, caesar wraps, burgers and fries; fruit… Yeah!



I think that it kind of goes both ways. I mean, I don’t think that it hinders it. I mean, to me, art can be inspiring to the machine design, and then, again, machines can kind of come from art as well.

Yeah, I totally agree with what you guys said. And, oftentimes, art can be machinery, or machinery can be art. Like if you build something that’s working really well, and looks exactly the way you want it to look and is performing exactly the way you want it to perform, in my mind that’s a type of art as well.

I think if you consider a computer as a machine, they really expand the accessible art that you have, using things like photo editors and stuff like that. But I think at the same time, maybe because of the ability to do those things, they might actually kind of trap art into a certain scheme. I’m not really sure. JEFF ROBINS Fourth year Engineering

KEVIN WARMAN Fourth year Engineering

SCOTT EGAN Fourth year Engineering


No, I think there needs to be a lot of additional infrastructure to make them more viable for more people.

BRIDGET WOODS Third year Environmental Studies, Political Science

All questions and answers are online, bringing this experiment full circle. Check it out in video form at DOCUMENTATION BY JP ZACHARIAS & CHORONG KIM

March 27, 2014


Give rap a chance Photos by brandon everell 10 FEATURE • MARTLET

March 27, 2014

I am an awkward-white-girl-rap-listener, and I believe there’s merit in it, in the unconventionality of my listening to rap and in the music itself. There are lessons to be learned from these tough rhyme-spitting gentlemen (and women of course, though they tend to be rarer). I don’t expect us all, my 83-yearold grandmother included, to bust out in rhymes and start a gangsta rap crash course for dummies—although, please do picture our grandmothers sharing mikes and rapping about the good old days. I am proposing the necessity of diversity in music and appreciating the value of rap. We should give rap a chance, even if it makes us cringe, feel awkward, or suddenly start to walk like we own the streets. I am not your typical rap-endorser. There’s a gold and silver chain around my neck, but it holds a pendant in the shape of a banjo. I’m not wearing baggy jeans, but rather a flowery dress. And the closest thing I know to a gang sign is what’s called “shaka,” better known as that thing surfers do when they say “hang loose.” I like British comedies and philosophy and baking. I don’t violently cuss, but instead whisper “flup” or “fiddlesticks.” I like to sing little ditties about lost love and the poetry of mornings, paired with several rolls on my banjo. Sometimes, I listen to rap and I think I might have a hint of swag. I’ll put in my ear buds (and turn the volume down, so no one hears the flower child listening to Wu Tang Clan) and try my hardest not to walk with that tough gangsta swagger. Even writing “gangsta” feels absolutely wrong and awful, as if my mother will read it and send me back to church. But, I will try to assure you—in all my awkward rapping glory, there is a beauty to rap. I wasn’t taught swag at church; rather, it comes straight out of rap culture. The Oxford English Dictionary defines swag as a noun, adjective, and verb. It means, “A big blustering fellow,” and “To move unsteadily or heavily from side to side or up and down; to sway without control.” William Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream used “swaggering” in a way that meant “to walk or strut, with a defiant or insolent air.” Shakespeare’s definition evolved into what we now use with hashtags on Twitter. Urban Dictionary’s least inappropriate definition defines it as “How one presents him- or herself to the world,” and uses it in a sentence: “He got a killa swag.” I probably wouldn’t tell you that I’ve got killa swag, even if I were super confident in the way I presented myself. This idea of swag, though, was popularized through rap. No peace-loving folkster would utter a sentence like “He got a killa swag,” maybe because it isn’t all that grammatically correct, or because they wouldn’t want to use “killa” as a glorifying adjective, or simply because their previous knowledge of “swag” more accurately referred to a sway in one’s jaunt. Jay-Z’s song “All I Need,” which was released in 2001, has been described as one of the songs to start the hype surrounding the word, and has been very much a part of the /braggadocio/-style of rap (rap that is boastful or egotistic). After all, swag is a general confidence in the way you appear and in what you are doing. Most rappers have swag. They spit through a tongue-twisting mesh of rhymes to a pulsing beat that makes your head spin. The beats give birth to the swag. It makes you walk with a sway, swaggering, to each rhythmical beat and rhyme. It gives you confidence. It’s like a rooster puffing up its chest, the way a rapper projects a specific image for us all to see and cling onto, for us to dream about. If, however, what I’ve described is true of swag—that it signifies undying confidence—then I shouldn’t feel so ashamed to listen to rap, right? I should feel confident. You, me, and our grandmothers should all jump in a sports car/minivan / pack of scooters and crank up the stereos to the rap geniuses of our choice without feeling a tinge of discomfort. Why don’t we? I feel the same way about listening to rap as I do about my dancing: a sense of exhilarating shame. I feel like I’m doing something wrong, but I still feel a hint of liberation, like I’m hopelessly trying to break a stereotype but that I simply can’t. Maybe I’m too white, too innocent, too much of a rural forest girl. Maybe I’m too much of a romantic and haven’t felt enough pain. As far as traumatic goes, my life’s been pretty easy. My parents are still together, and I have a roof over my head. I listen to the Beatles on vinyl and take selfies with my dog. I read Kierkegaard and Fitzgerald and make browned butter biscuits. I like to make daisy chains. Maybe you can relate. Perhaps you, like me, have no interest in all of the negative connotations associated with rap—the seemingly single-minded desire of rappers for drugs, sex, and “dolla dolla bills.” As I’m sure you’ve gathered by now, those aren’t the sorts of things I long for. Rap wasn’t always about a man’s obsession with ladies, dope, and dough. One of my Writing professors at the University of Victoria, Patrick Friesen, is convinced Bob Dylan’s song “Subterranean Homesick Blues” (1965) was the beginning of rap. Others note early African American blues groups like The Memphis Jug Band (1920s–50s). “Rapper’s Delight” (1979) by The Sugarhill Gang might not have been the first rap / hip hop song, but it was the first song to make America and other nations swoon over hip hop. Recorded in a single take, the song in long form is nearly 15 minutes and consists of rappers Wonder Mike, Master Gee, and Big Bank Hank (try not to be distracted by their giggle-inducing rap names) and their flow of uncontroversial rhymes. The accessibility of the song might have been what led to its popularity, plus it has a fun beat and isn’t terribly offensive. The chorus is

reminiscent of jazz scat-style singing similar to the likes of Ella Fitzgerald with her mesh of nonsense syllables. The hook goes “I said a hip, hop, the hippie the hippie/to the hip hop-hop, and you don’t stop/the rock it to the bang-bang, boogie say ‘up jump’ / the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie: the beat.” This kind of quick-spitting rhythmical rap is what really seemed to help the genre take off. It’s groovy and the sort of thing that made teenagers dance at house parties (and old women, as seen in The Wedding Singer, with Ellen Dow behind the mic). Later, though, rap took a turn and began to include potent and insightful lyrics, be they about the rapper’s breakfast or their socio-economic views. There’s an idea of “street-cred” that is essential to rap. Street-cred and swag go rhyme in rhyme. Donald Glover, known by his stage name as Childish Gambino, earned his fame as a screenwriter (30 Rock), actor (Community), comedian, and rapper. “Street-cred is code for ‘real,’” he says. “If you give them the truth, people get excited because they feel like they’re reading your diary.” Good rap is honest. It’s raw and gives a personal perspective to something, and not just to women, money, and drugs. Lil Wayne says in his song “How Can Something,” “I used to love her / [flup] it, I still do / ‘Cause love never dies / but it can kill you.” Aside from being a sort of beautiful quote, it’s honest. Rap is usually autobiographical, confessional, and always human. It can be as poetic as any other type of lyric, or Biblical Psalms, even. In between the hymns we sang on Sunday and the folk my teetotaller mum shrilled off her mandolin at home, I eventually came across rap. The first rapper I saw was a 19-year-old white guy from Victoria who called himself Transit. I was 14. In Calgary, at an annual Christian Youth Conference, 700 smelly teenagers stuffed into the Ambrose University College gymnasium and jumped along to his spit of rhymes. “Put your hands up!” he yelled, so we all did. We slammed them up and down like gangsters in stolen sports cars (that wasn’t the message of the youth conference), and I was convinced Transit was a poet. A tough poet who could tell it like it is, though I had no idea what he was saying. We were stacked into the gym with our bodies squished together, all of us sugar- and Jesus-high, sleep deprived, and game for something new and cool: rap. Rapping was the most rebellious form of music I’d come across, but what could make it more rebellious? What if you were white, gangly, and rapping about the Way, the Truth, and the Life? That’s rebellious. And pretty awkward. But I can’t think of a part of adolescence that isn’t awkward, so we welcomed Transit’s rap with sweaty open arms. I bought his two albums and listened to them exhaustively in the privacy of my room or wearing my headphones on the school bus, again with the volume turned down. My craving for rebellion at that time was probably just an inevitable part of life, the same part where you can never figure out just how much eye shadow to smear on or how tight your pants should be. I still crave rebellion, and might still be in that stage of life (though I am starting to figure out the premium tightness for pants). I’ve always been pretty subtle in the rebellious regard though, like pairing stripes and polka dots or black and navy blue. For me, listening to rap was another form of subtle rebellion. Mine wasn’t quite the same kind of rebellion as some of the rappers hurled about. I identified more with Canadian rappers Shad and Transit, in their pleas for the world to wake up, than with Wu Tang’s cry for “dolla dolla bills y’all,” but I appreciated both. I also enjoyed listening to the honest perspectives from lives I was completely unfamiliar with. A young English duo caught my attention, mostly because of their being British and my young-girl obsession with handsome witty folk from across the pond. Rizzle Kicks rapped about tea and social justice in thick British accents, so I immediately fell in love. With Transit, Rizzle Kicks, and Shad, I learned that rap could be more than angry, sexed-up, quick cussing. There is a sort of poetry in rap that you might first dismiss because of all the ugly language, like my mother would. I understand. But take a line from Common’s “A Dream”: “Hold the same fight that made Martin Luther the King / I ain’t usin’ it for the right thing / In between lean and the fiends, hustle and the schemes / I put together pieces of a dream / I still have one.” Or Shad’s “Live Forever” featuring Dallas Green that goes, “Someone give some hope, that’s breath for our living souls.” That’s poetry, can’t you tell? Rap has a certain rawness to it, often with a confessional tone or a hope for a better future. I, being the banjo-playing optimist that I am, love the idealism in rap. In some ways it’s easy for me to be hopeful, since I haven’t been knocked down as hard as some rappers have. But if they can get back up, so can I, right? And so can you. I propose the necessity of the diversity in music, and I stand by this proposition. Maybe you love classical music, or screamo, or punk rock, or blue grass, or folk, or orchestral pop, or top-40 hits. I think you need to give another genre, like rap, a try. Bump da beats, homie, no matter how awkward you are. I apologize for that sentence, but really, like John Lennon’s plea for you to give peace a chance, I’m asking you to give rap a chance, too. So, rebelliously crank dat rap (while still being conscious of noise pollution). You and your grandmother are welcome to come to my place anytime to bust or listen to some rhymes. Word.

Story by Cara Marks March 27, 2014

Martlet • FEATURE 11

Culture Zero waste at swanky new caf

An average portobello mushroom cap offers one-tenth your recommended daily intake of potassium.

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1878 Viewfield Road, Victoria, BC


Concept sketches of Mystic Market, UVic’s new zero-waste cafeteria, opening September 2014 VANCOUVER 1500 Derwent Way, Delta, BC

MICHEL GHANEM Mystic Market is slated to swap in for UVic’s Centre Cafeteria by September 2014; the new, West Coast Trailinspired eatery will boast zero per cent waste, according to a preview presentation on March 12. Research on the expansion and renovation began in 2010, with a design meeting in August 2011, the fi rst major plan of action for the facility that has been home to the campus Centre Cafeteria since 1978. Food Services Director Thomas Bain said the place got a minor facelift seven

years ago, but has had no other recent renovations. “First and only zero-per cent-waste facility on campus. We’re hoping to show campus occupants that if we can do it, then the entire campus can do it,” Bain says. Bain and others involved in the project used popular cafeterias at other universities as inspiration. The University of Guelph’s Creelman Hall Marketplace cafeteria inspired Mystic Market’s atmosphere. “Their reign as number one is over,” says Bain. “The student population, campus faculty, and staff has gone up way


more than what that facility was meant More than a remodelling and for,” says Bain. “It became very clear expansion, the VICTORIA organizers want to that more and more students were prioritize food quality and fast, effi choosing which campus they would cient service. Every food kiosk will be go to based on the food service. A equipped with its own point-of-sale 878 Viewfield Rd uimalt lot of studies show that to beEsq true, so250-381 checkout, to avoid line congestion. -8725 the campus made it a high priority to Mystic Market will comprise eight remodel the space.” different branded kiosks, including a 1. You Order 2. We Deliver 3. U-Pak Store The final decision resulted in a facil- 4. Webreakfast bar, a noodle bar, and more, ity inspired by a boardwalk through to be unveilled in coming months. A the rainforest, apparent in the design. general-store kiosk will offer pre1. YOU ORDER The West Coast Trail inspirations made meals and fresh produce. 2. WE DELIVER 3. U-PAK 4. WE STORE INDOORS appear metaphorically in the decoraFood Production and Purchasing tions of the facility, such as cloud-like Manager Heather Seymour promises lighting and support poles decorated more food than ever before—includto emulate a tree. ing “mom-styled” soups, local 1878 Viewfield Road, Victoria, BC

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The raw-food, vegan Vitality Roll at Be Love restaurant offers avocado, marinated burdock root, daikon, carrot, and sprouts, wrapped in nori, served with miso ginger dipping sauce ($10).


Wear onesies and eat kale Be Love’s vegan cuisine sways the skeptic RACHEL SOVKA Be Love vegetarian and vegan restaurant is like wearing a onesie. If you’ve ever worn a onesie, then you know what I’m talking about. You maybe tried one on expecting it to be a bit strange, you wanted to not like it, because it’s so hipster right now, then it turned out to be surprisingly comfortable: my thoughts exactly as I left Be Love restaurant after a single three-course meal for $35. Despite the overuse of ‘hippie’ terms like “bliss,” “earth-sea,” and “vitality,” or references to the bartender as “the wizard,” this new vegetarian and vegan restaurant is pretty classy. Downtown on Blanshard Street, vegetarian restaurants are not underrepresented, but Be Love puts a local twist on West Coast style meals. Sometimes restaurants like Be Love

are just trying too hard—when they write menu descriptions professing to “nourish and heal body, mind, and soul” and “honor the earth community.” But after questioning my server on the authenticity of these sanctimonious statements, it seemed to be a genuine belief among the staff. I was regaled with the life story of my vegetarian waitress. The service was as effectively flawless as it was engaging, non-robotic, and they rolled with the punches when I asked to see the steak menu. Things got cosy in my Be Love onesie, when I was seated 10 inches from an adjacent table of six people, while the remainder of the room remained uncrowded. But this provided an opportunity to see a greater variety of food, brought to other customers, and enjoy the positive ambiance of the chic, gentrified structure of rustic

beams and classic lighting. The menu item that stood out to me and authenticated all the lovetalk was the “Love Bowl”; a hearty bowl of quinoa with steamed greens, beans, and a choice of sauce, priced by donation, because “everyone deserves a warm, healthy meal, no one is turned away.” Like many of us, I find it difficult to sustainably make healthy meals with local and organic ingredients on a student budget, and honestly, Be Love did little to change my mind about that. But, although things were a little pricey, it was helpful to see for myself what people create with wholesome ingredients. That gave me hope (though you might have to go out of your way to make homemade kelp and buckwheat noodles). The Be Love beverage menu features an extensive selection of fresh

juices, smoothies, shots, sodas, and one-of-a-kind hot and cold drinks. I was skeptical of these at first, but after softening to a “Magician’s Mead,” I also have to admit that the “Red Cedar Swizzle” indeed tasted quite like a tree (which, depending on if you’re someone who enjoys the taste of tree or not, could be good or bad, but I enjoyed it). For those of you with allergies, Be Love is wheat, gluten, dairy, meat, and processed sugar free, which sounds pretty good, until you try to eat a burger without a bun. Then you’ve got a quadrangular chunk of birdseed sandwiching a messy mushroom patty, squirting your date in the eye. The Portobello Reuben was actually not bad, albeit viscid, and its accompanying pumpkin soup was fantastic. The “Green Bowl” blended

mild flavour layers with fresh avocado and veggies in a creamy Thai sauce, atop a tasty and indiscernible mound of mush, allegedly steamed brown rice. Even the “Vitality Rolls” gave a fresh reminder of how food ought to taste when it isn’t fortified with MSG and chemical preservatives (though the effects on my personal vitality remain questionable), and all in all epitomized the experience; pretentious names, but delicious food. However, my only vehement objection to Be Love is simply that ice cream without the cream just wasn’t meant to be. Otherwise, it had all the qualities of a good onesie; kinda weird, a bit hipster, but good nonetheless. So go ahead and try it out; all the cool kids are doing it.

Relax. We’re here year round. UVic Grad Photos is a university service. Here for you. On campus. Book your sitting: or 250-721-8281 David Turpin Building Room B345

March 27, 2014


Puppets and poets join forces with master

‘Poeteers!’ at Victoria Spoken Word Festival ADRIAN PARADIS

Victoria’s fourth annual Spoken Word Festival gathered the fun March 4–9. The six days of poetic festivities brought hundreds of poets from across North America and Victorians together for a series of rousing, rhyming, events. Having sold out last year at the Intrepid Theatre Club, the festival moved to its largest venue to date, performing at the Metro Studio Theatre on Quadra. Following this year’s theme of “inside story,” events ranged from story time for adults to public workshops, and even to the combination of puppets and poets. Barbara Adler headlined the festival’s finale event; the punk accordion poet was deemed Poet of Honour this year. While I only had the time to enjoy the March 6 show called “Poeteers!,” it turned out to be a spectacular event. The performance combined the efforts of master puppeteer Tim Gosley with that of several poets from the festival, to create an evening of pure magic. Some puppets and poems had only been completed earlier that day, while other pieces were well polished. The Two Dope Boys, Johnny MacRae and shayne avec i grec, for instance, are a duo who has been working together for some time. Originating from B.C.’s fabled

Cadillac Mountains, the two travel across North America sharing the art of their combined skills; poetry and folk water-bowling. For those who may not know, waterbowling is a delicate undertaking that entails a sort of beatboxing while your face is submerged in a shallow bowl of water. The result is a messy stage and a fantastic piece of performance art. The evening concluded with a performance by Gosley, who used shadows, light, and a series of wire puppets and coloured glass to present a short and magical play on projection screen. Gosley performed a version of the Blind Men and an Elephant story. By bending his flashlight around the small platform set in front of him and moving his wire puppets around by hand, Gosley made shadows dance and come alive. Despite an audience that is used to heckling and fingersnapping at performances, the room sat silent during Gosley’s piece, viewers to a master at his craft. For those looking to fulfil more of their slam-poetry fix, Slam Nights are held at Solstice Café (529 Pandora Ave.) on the third Thursday of every month. It’s a casual yet interactive environment, where you can enjoy an evening of literary fun. Also, don’t miss next year’s Spoken Word Festival, as it’s guaranteed to be bigger and better than ever.


MARCH 27 – APRIL 3 ARTS Friday, March 28


UVic, in partnership with the Inter-Cultural Association of Greater Victoria, presents a performance that tells the story of five new immigrants to Canada, through movement, masks, and music. This event runs 1–2 p.m. in the Michèle Pujol Room of UVic’s Student Union Building. Admission is free. Sunday, March 30


Get out of the city on the weekend, and experience a unique art project while stretching your legs. Park across the road from the Poetry Grove, at 8485 West Coast Rd., and cross to see the poems hanging from trees. Wendy Morton, a local poet, was sent poems from around the world and wanted a unique way to display them. This event will take place from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m.

COMMUNITY Saturday, March 29


It’s that time of year again. Every year, global citizens celebrate Earth Hour worldwide, to show that lower energy consumption can be accomplished. Earth Hour takes place 8:30–9:30 p.m., so be sure to turn off all your lights and unplug your electronics and appliances. Light some candles and get cosy while playing board games or cards, or visit one of the many restaurants downtown that will be lit by candlelight. Be fire safe!

FITNESS Sunday, March 30


The new yoga pad in town, One Yoga Studio at 239 Menzies St., is running a “Beats and Binds Yoga Workshop.” Instructor Tracey Noseworthy will lead students through a series of deep yoga stretches alongside the sounds of DJ Joshua James. The event costs $25 and will take place from 2–4 p.m. This event is open to yogis of all levels. Monday, March 31


Get active with Zumba! The exercise sensation that’s a mix of dance and aerobics will get you moving and fit in no time. Drop-in classes taught by Adriana take place on Monday nights, at the Royal Oak Community Hall (4516 West Saanich Rd.), 6–7 p.m. The cost per session is $12.

MUSIC Thursday, March 27


Indulge in the relaxing sounds of classical and folk music, by performers Lillian Slanina and Liza Szeker-Madden. The free concert will take place from 7–7:45 p.m. at the Eric Martin Pavillion Theatre, located at 2328 Trent St. Please use the Fort Street entrance, by the Jubilee Hospital. Friday, March 28


Let loose with The Funk Hunters, who will play at Sugar Nightclub (858 Yates St.) with guests Zac Hendrix and Juice. Tickets are $20 and may be purchased in advance at Ditch Records, Lyle’s Place and The event starts at 9 p.m. Tuesday, April 1


Every Tuesday, the James Bay Activity Centre, located at 234 Menzies St., holds a jam session and potluck. It’s a night of fun, food, and music. Facilitators are from the Ptarmigan Music and Theatre Society. No musical experience necessary— plus, it’s free! For more info, visit Tuesday, April 1


The band Islands, who are from Montreal but currently based in L.A., will play at Lucky Bar (517 Yates St.), alongside guests. Their upbeat, indie rock sound will provide a fun night out while the week is still young. Doors for this event open at 8 p.m., and tickets cost $14. BRONTË RENWICK-SHIELDS & BETH PARKER


March 27, 2014

Sports | Lifestyle

Jam-packed sports section next week. Pick it up April 3!

Bobby Eng of the Vikes toes the line in a match versus the Vancouver Whitecaps Football Club, Feb. 16, 2014, at Centennial Stadium.


Silver for Vikes men in Keg Cup soccer tournament

Women drop opening game, but salvage result in consolation round ALEX KURIAL The Vikes men’s and women’s soccer teams took to their home field at Centennial Stadium over the March 21–23 weekend for the annual spring Keg Cup, which featured a four-team pool of top teams from the Canada West conference. Along with the Vikes, the men’s side featured reigning CIS champions, the UBC Thunderbirds, as well as the Fraser Valley Cascades and Trinity Western Spartans. The women’s side showcased UVic, UBC, and current CIS champions Trinity Western from Langley, B.C. CIS bronze medalists the Alberta Pandas made the trip from Edmonton to fill out a deeply talented bracket. The UVic women’s team’s first action of the tournament came on March 22 against UBC, where the winner would earn a spot in the final. The Vikes had bested UBC in their last game to take bronze in the Canada West playoffs, but on this occasion, the Vikes were caught off guard early. Even before many fans were settled, a second-minute goal from forward Shayla Chomney had given the Thunderbirds the lead. The Vikes were able to regroup defensively, but could not find the back of the net going into halftime. A cruel fate awaited the UVic

women’s team in the second half, as on two occasions they reached the tying goal, only to see their score missed or called back by way of blatant miss-calls. The first of these phantom goals came in the 53rd minute of the game, when forward Sarah Douglas headed a ball off the crossbar that proceeded to bounce down inside the goal line. The goal was missed by both the referee and linesman, a fate that surely would have been different were the CIS able to implement goal line technology. Still trailing late as a result, the Vikes again scored what seemed to be the tying goal courtesy of a scorching shot from midfielder Maryse Reichgeld in the 87th minute. This time, a phantom offside call erased the goal from the board, with replays showing Reichgeld in position on her defender before running onto the pass. UVic was unable to score a confirmed goal against UBC, and a few minutes later heard the final whistle in the 1-0 defeat. Unable to overcome the Thunderbirds, and the officiating, the women would play a consolation game against Alberta on Sunday. The second game of Saturday’s showdown featured the men kicking off against the University of Fraser Valley Cascades. Following the same format as the women’s tournament, the Vikes played a complete game, to

down the Cascades 3-1, earning a spot in the final. While neither team could find the back of the net in the first 45 minutes, the extended deadlock was broken early on after the switch. Midfielder Cam Stokes temporarily put the Vikes on top, only to see the Cascades quickly respond by way of a strike from midfielder Ryan Liddiard. Canada West First Team All-Star Cam Hundal took over after that. The midfielder scored a pair of unanswered goals, the second being a rocket from outside the box, to lift his team to a 3-1 victory. Sunday’s action started with the morning consolation game for the women’s side. The Vikes controlled possession and the game, outshooting Alberta 12-2, but were unable to record a goal for the second time in the tournament. UVic maintained a shutout as well though, closing out their season by earning a 0-0 draw. The final game of the tournament came late Sunday afternoon, with UVic taking on UBC in front of their home crowd. The Vikes had dropped both games to UBC in the regular season, and sadly for the fans at Centennial Stadium, the Gold medal game was to be no different. UBC looked every bit the national champions over the course of the game. All-around control of play

allowed them to build a 2-0 lead going into halftime, courtesy of goals from a pair of rookies, Sean Einarsson and Niall Cousens. The Vikes managed some chances while down two, including a pair of shots that were cleared frantically off the goal line shortly after the break. A second goal from Cousens early in the second half put all hopes of a comeback to bed however, and ensured UBC would be celebrating their Keg Cup Championship when the final whistle sounded. The Thunderbirds were dominant over the weekend, posting a 5-0 win over Trinity Western and 3-0 win over the Vikes in the finals. UVic defender Andrew Ravenhill explained what makes the country’s top team so formidable. “There’s not a weak link in their chain, they’re just a good team through and through,” said Ravenhill after the final. “It’s hard to beat a team like that when they’re so quality front to back.” For Ravenhill, the game marks the end of his five-year CIS career with UVic. His impressive run was highlighted by capturing the 2011 CIS Championship, along with numerous personal accolades, including 2011 CIS Championship All-Star, back-toback Canada West First Team All-Star in 2012 and 2013, as well as a 2013 nod as CIS All-Canadian. March 27, 2014

Also playing his final game with the Vikes was defender Bobby Eng. In addition to the 2011 title, Eng recalled several fond memories of his time with the Vikes. “I’m really going to miss playing with all the guys and coming out to training every day,” said Eng, after stepping off the field for the final time. “It was a great experience, I made a lot of friends from it, and it’s really made university a lot more enjoyable for me.” The women’s side also saw several players lace up the boots for the final time with the Vikes. Midfielders Jacqueline Harrison and Lindsay Hoetzel saw their five-year CIS careers draw to a close, along with defender Brigitte Greig and keeper Tanya Jones. All four players were on the 2012 Vikes team that captured the CIS Bronze medal. Greig was recognized with back-to-back Canada West First Team All-Star selections in her final two seasons. UBC made the ferry ride back to the mainland with double the hardware, as the Thunderbirds also emerged victorious in the women’s final, defeating Trinity Western 2-1. With the soccer season now over for both the men’s and women’s sides, the returning Vikes players can officially set their sights on next year, paying special attention to their powerhouse rivals, UBC.

MARTLET • Sports | Lifestyle 15

Five simple ways to have more cash, fast Tips to help students make and save money KATI WALTERS Forget taking raincheques and pinching pennies. At home, school, or on the go, there are always ways to make and save some easy cash. Scoop up some of these tricks and you’ll be on your way to that summer vacation in no time.

1. SIGN UP FOR ECONOMICS EXPERIMENTS ON CAMPUS! Any UVic student can participate in economics experiments that are offered throughout the school year, right here on campus. Participants can earn anywhere from $15 to over $100 per experiment. Check out the registration page for more details:

2. ALWAYS ASK ABOUT DISCOUNTS One of the great perks of being a starving student is all of the student discounts. Many retailers in Victoria offer post-secondary student discounts, and all you have to do is ask and show your student card. Banana Republic offers 15 per cent off to students, and if you feel like some pizza, Domino’s offers a cool 25 per cent off. You can also purchase a Student Price Card (SPC) online for just $9, which allows you to save money at over 100 different places in Victoria, including retail stores and hotels. If you’re more the online shopping type, check out, which offers deals at retailers such as Urban Outfitters, Benefit Cosmetics, Topshop, and even Apple, that are just for students.

3. GET CASH FROM USED TEXTBOOKS Are first-year textbooks in your room collecting serious

dustbunnies? Get creative. Before selling that $150 EPHE textbook back to the campus store for a mere $14 (sigh), research your options. UsedVictoria and Craigslist are great places to start, but your best bet is the UVic Textbook buy/sell/trade Facebook page. Get your ads up early in the semester or a few weeks before classes start to make sure that the books sell. You can also check out Subtext used book shop and more in the Student Union Building, where you set the price and Subtext takes care of the sale. Textbook cash really adds up fast!

Run by students, for students.

- All located in the SUB -

4. CLEAN OUT YOUR CLOSET Tired of last year’s wardrobe? Make quick shopping money by selling your old clothes. Make use of Victoria’s Clothing Swap, Shop, and Sell Facebook page, where you can create an album of old clothes for sale. Another fun option is having a clothing exchange party. Invite a bunch of friends over, grab some wine and snacks, and swap old clothes with each other. You’ll have a new summer wardrobe in no time, at zero cost.

5. EAT SMART One of the most expensive aspects of living the student life comes with paying the grocery bill. Save money no matter where you shop. Pepper’s Foods in Cadboro Bay offers a 10 per cent student discount every day. Also, be sure you sign up with Groupon online at You can customize your account to see deals that fit your preferences. Save big on dining out, with weekly deals at restaurants located throughout Victoria.

*HW2OG([DPV 2QOLQH DW <"/%*/ 4503&>

Good luck, and happy saving!

Let’s talk about sex

Please and spank you: why being polite in the bedroom is the best decision you’ve never made EVAN READ ARMSTRONG What is it about bumping uglies that makes some people behave so ugly? As Canadians, we often pride ourselves on being friendly, but more than anything, we pride ourselves on being polite. We are the true north strong and nice. We are always giving out pleases and thank-yous and are known for being generous tippers. While we are a compilation of ethnicities and genders and backgrounds, you can recognize any Canadian by their compulsive need to open doors for strangers. However, you might be surprised by what areas our nation’s inherent generosity does not naturally lend itself to, and by that I mean the bedroom. To all of you selfish lovers out there—I am looking at you. Look, I get that sex isn’t easy. You might take sex-ed classes when you’re younger, but no one actually tells you what to do when you get there. As much as they might teach you the basic anatomy, they never really teach you the basics: what to do and what not to do. There’s often no clear standard of acceptable behaviour. But that doesn’t mean that you should get

what you want and get out of dodge. Luckily for you, I pride myself on saying what needs to be said, so I want to explore some of the things that are absolutely unacceptable when you’re getting down and dirty. To start off, stop trying to be subtle. Subtlety is dead. Do not, under any circumstances, try to manoeuvre your partner’s head to where you want it. There is nothing less sexy than feeling like someone is trying to drown you in his or her genitals. If you want something, ask for it. Give them whiplash with your communication skills and then maybe, just maybe they might repay the favour. But don’t expect anything. I don’t care if it’s the third date or the 300th date. Nobody gets to expect anything. You’re lucky if you get kissed, let alone laid. Entitlement isn’t sexy, it’s indentured servitude. Also, know how much tongue is too much. Tasting your passion is great, tasting your stomach acid isn’t. And the most important thing on this list? Be enthusiastic. Bring out the metaphorical pompoms and cheer the shit out of the person you’re banging. Or bring out the literal pompoms and use them as props while you’re being

16 Sports | Lifestyle • MARTLET

March 27, 2014

supportive. By all means, if they’re not doing something right, gently lead them in the right direction. Pretty fucking basic people: use please and thank you. We are Canadian. This is our bread and butter. Look, I’m not trying to make you paranoid, and I’m not saying everyone is an inherently selfish lover. But I am saying there is a reason why Hannibal Lector killed and ate the rude people first. So if you’re not getting what you want in the bedroom and you’re wondering why, maybe take a look at your own actions (or inactions). Sex is a reciprocal act—you don’t have to necessarily care about the other person emotionally, but you do have to care about their pleasure, not just your own. You can only get away with being a jerk in bed for so long. Ultimately, you’re better off to be a really nice person and horrible in bed, but willing to learn. You can be an asshole and amazing in bed, but a person can only put up with so much. The next time you’re in bed, pay some extra special attention to your partner. Think of them first. Show some true patriot love to your fellow patriot, and hopefully you’ll see thee rise.

Business | Tech

Techies will already know of Ubuntu, the OS takes its name from the same Bantu word.


Young participants in the Superkids program enjoy free festivities just for them at West Coast Waffles (1235 Broad St.), Feb. 23, 2014.

Waffles feed Superkids

Business and outreach donate communal meal to at-risk youth MAX D’AMBROSIO On the evening of Sunday, Feb. 23, West Coast Waffles resounds with the clatter of plates, upbeat music, and children’s laughter. The atmosphere is energetic, hectic yet contented, and the sumptuous smell of warm waffles fills the air. Sixty kids have arrived for their waffle dinner, as part of a free program for at-risk youth called Superkids, which takes children out for free barbeques, picnics, and other field trips.

Jordan Brown co-ordinated the event, as founder and CEO of West Coast Waffles, along with Cliff Power, founder and executive director of the Extreme Outreach Society. “We’ve done two similar events,” Brown recalls. “We got better with practice.” The point of the dinner is not just to provide a free meal. Superkids is a program specifically designed to support the community’s most vulnerable and underprivileged young people. The children come from socioeconomic

backgrounds that may make it hard for them to rely on other adults around them for emotional and physical support, so contributors to Superkids do everything possible to allow the children to feel that both their emotional and physical needs are being fulfilled. “You’re helping them, you’re giving them food, listening to what they want,” says Brown. “A lot of those kids aren’t used to getting that amount of attention.” Brown and his staff clearly take their business’s role in the community

seriously and are constantly aware of the challenges of this responsibility. “I shouldn’t say a lot of businesses overlook [community service], but I mean, it takes a lot of effort,” he says. “Like this weekend, we were . . . slam-busy Friday, Saturday, Sunday. We closed at 6 [on Sunday evening], and 60 kids showed up at 6:15. That takes a tremendous amount of work to do that. That’s why I think you don’t see more of it, because people are busy running their businesses.” Even so, Brown asserts that it’s

always worth the effort for people to help each other—that helping others is the end goal that gives real meaning to any kind of enterprise. “If you’re in business, just know that you’re in business to help people. When you help people is when you become successful in business.”

To participate in Superkids and other Extreme Outreach activities, visit, as well as

A calling for charity Ubuntu, and the gift of used cellphones ADAM HAYMAN “It’s just the most amazing experience ever.” – Kevin Davis Kevin Davis is a Camosun grad and current UVic student. He is also founder of Africa Calling, although he hates titles. He’d rather be known simply as “the cellphone guy.” For those who have not seen the program’s red collection bin in the SUB—the thing that looks like a London phone booth—Africa Calling is a group that collects used cellphones for African villages. It started three years ago with 70 phones and has since grown tremendously, helping and inspiring everyone from fellow students to entire African villages. One day, during class in his Intro to Africa course at Camosun, Davis raised his hand. He did it to volunteer for the class project of collecting cellphones for Africa. “I thought, ‘Okay, I’ll collect some phones for my professor, and he’ll take them on his next trip,’” says Davis. He

set up a table for the purpose. “I was getting some amazing feedback from people,” he recalls. “I had one student that came up to me and told me they just had come back from a co-op, and one phone had acted as a lifeline for an entire village of 1500 people, and that really changed things for me.” The project is centred around Ubuntu, a Bantu philosophy. Davis describes it as “people are people because of other people . . . or, ‘I am because you are.’” People bring whatever they have to the table in order to help out in their own way. “Next time your friend says ‘Hey, check out my new phone,’ you say ‘Hey, what are you doing with your old one?’” he suggests. Phones with built-in SIM cards can only be used locally, so Africa Calling places them with local women’s shelters. Any broken phones are taken to the proper recycle depot. Africa Calling is frequently asked why it does not collect and distribute other supplies, such as food, water,

Kevin Davis demonstrates how easy it is to contribute a phone for an entire African village. or clothing. Davis replies that “With cellphones, people can get all those other things in Africa . . . They want cellphones!” The spirit of Ubuntu continues to


drive Africa Calling to help those in need. “This program is like magic,” Davis says. “People are really drawn to it, and I don’t know if it’s just because it’s cellphones, or if it’s Ubuntu itself, March 27, 2014

or if it’s a combination of both.” If you are interested in helping out Africa Calling or starting a similar project, check out their website at



Bioprinting deposits human sells into a collagen scaffold, like ink into paper.

Human organs from a printer Three-dimensional bioprinting may cure illness sooner than you think CHELSEA WILSON Imagine you are suffering from liver disease, in desperate need of a transplant. Odds are you would be part of a long waiting list to receive a donated organ. What if you could have a brand new organ created for you, as you are being prepped for surgery? What if you were told, as a type 2 diabetic, that after years of insulin injections and blood-glucose

monitoring, a specialist could grow and implant an additional, miniature pancreas to assist your own in proper insulin production? What if you could have any of these things, with no risk of tissue rejection, because these organs and tissues are created using your own stem cells? In the next 10–15 years, researchers expect to be able to cure (rather than simply treat) organ disease, by engineering new, healthy “tissue

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March 27, 2014

on demand.” Numerous research groups have already made headway in the science of bioprinting, a medical application of 3D-printing technology. Three-dimensional printing itself is not new. Originally developed in the late 1980s, it has thus far been used to produce a wide variety of items, such as prototypes of appliances or food products. The technology is based on depositing droplets of material, layer upon layer, to build up a 3D form, with help from a computer-aided design (CAD). According to Hod Lipson, director of Cornell University’s Creative Machines Lab, “Any shape you can imagine and that you can define in a computer design file, you can fabricate.” Bioprinting may seem like a revolutionary concept, but it got its start when Thomas Boland modified a standard inkjet printer to deposit human cells back in 2003. The technology has been continuously refined and explored since. The bioprinting process begins with the preparation of “bio-ink,” which consists of human cells and a slurry of nutrients to help the cells grow. The ink can be made from a sample of your own stem cells; this means tissue rejection due to the genetic variation of donors may soon be a thing of the past. Your personalized ink is loaded into an ink cartridge and printed on layers of hydrogel, an inert substance that serves as a placeholder for the cells. Researchers then rely on the natural behaviour of the cells, letting them fuse together and grow as they would within the human body. This

growth phase may happen inside a “bioreactor,” where the new organ can be fed and provided with an ideal environment to mature. One major roadblock keeps this technology in its infancy: the as-yet inability to re-create the complex vascular and microvascular systems needed to feed, oxygenate, and remove waste products from the assembled tissues. Despite this obstacle, though, the technology has the potential to completely change the face of medicine. According to a recent article in Time, this potential has many investors interested. Capital stock related to this research tends to rapidly grow in value. One can only imagine the excitement of investors to hear that Organovo, an industry leader, aims to create a fully functioning liver by the end of this year or that Hangzhou Dianzi University in China has grown a working kidney that researchers were able to keep alive for 30 days. Bioprinting may also come to play a large part in drug and cosmetic testing, possibly making testing on animals obsolete, as well as provide the potential for surgeons to practise on living organ systems instead of cadavers. Lipson also suggests that bioprinting will further the science of “personalized medicine,” offering doctors and nutritionists the ability to print out food, medication, and supplements with the ideal composition for each individual patient. What is now a roughly $2-billion industry is expected to be worth more than $10 billion by 2021. Information-technology research firms, such as Gartner Inc., predict

that 3D-printing technology, and bioprinting in particular, will spark heated debates over its regulation by the year 2016. Pete Basilier and his colleagues, consultants and researchers in 3D-printing technology at Gartner, released a report at the end of 2013 discussing trends they expect in the 3D printing industry. Much of the discussion centres on the medical applications of bioprinting. There is concern that it is advancing faster than the ability of regulatory agencies (such as the U.S. Food and Drug Administration) to control it. Basilier calls the research behind bioprinting “well intentioned,” but cautions that “3D-bioprinting facilities with the ability to print human organs and tissue will advance far faster than general understanding and acceptance of the ramifications of the technology.” The Gartner report says that a full-scale societal debate is inevitable, due to the moral and ethical questions that will arise as more information about the technology and its implications is available. Will people object to the creation of artificial body parts on religious and cultural grounds? Will the technology be applied to darker purposes, such as testing the effects of biological weapons on human tissue? Whatever issues do arise, it is certain that the education of the public, and of whichever set of authorities attain control over bioprinting regulation, will be key to the successful application of this technology.


Enjoyed our sensationally vague parody content? Find more at


9 frugal tips for the struggling student With the end of the semester around the corner, many students are finding their wallets so light they need to tie them down. Here are some tips for our struggling student readers to pinch those pennies, until the semester is over and you can go back to the land of capitalism and customer service.


Remember, cardboard is kinda edible.

2 Japanese cuteness engineers may increase consumerism and work productivity through the implementation of an optimal formula for mascot cuteness.


Japan announces plan to make mascots 30% cuter KLARA WOLDENGA HUMOUR—Kazuo Furuya, Japan’s CEO (Cuteness Engineer Operator) has published a report stating Japan’s plan to increase their mascots’ cuteness efficiency by 30 per cent by 2015. Japan is well known for their mascots, such as the popular Pikachu from Pokémon, who has been chosen to represent Japan as a mascot in the FIFA 2014 world cup. “Our country loves our mascots,” states Furuya. “With this cuteness increase, we hope to quell citizens’ concerns, thus increasing morale and increasing country-wide profits from citizens’ increase in consumption.” According to Furuka, cuteness scientists have been working around the clock, trying to find the key to cuteness. Rokuro Hiraoka, head scientist of

cuteness, stated in an interview that for the past year they’ve been week in and week out trying to figure out the illusive formula for cuteness. “We’ve been watching cat videos day and night, while wearing Hello Kitty pyjamas, and listening to nothing but Alvin and the Chipmunks albums. We take our work very seriously,” said Hiraoka. “I wasn’t even able to talk to my wife unless it was in a cute baby voice. She almost divorced me, but lucky for me we weren’t able to find any divorce papers that were Hello Kitty brand.” But all this excruciatingly tedious work has paid off, as Furuya’s team believe they have the formula they were looking for. “We have narrowed it down to four factors,” said Furuka, “large eyes, tiny ears, soft lines, and small torsos. With

this formula now created, we can look forward to more efficient levels of cuteness, followed by a more efficient Japan.” According to the report, scientists will start by altering existing mascots to make them more cute and follow up by creating new mascots. “We are making new mascots for anything that hasn’t been done yet, such as Infuruenza-kun, the new mascot for colds.” Furuya’s team is planning to show Infuruenza-kun, a giant flem ball with huge eyes and tiny arms, going to work even though he is sick, to up work morale during flu seasons. “We see a 20 per cent dip in productivity during this time. We hope Infuruenza-kun will help with that.” Furuya’s team hopes to launch Infuruenza-kun by September 2014.

For only a fraction of the cost of a textbook, you can invest in a pair binoculars to help you read people’s notes from afar or from the top floor of the library.


Pajamas can be worn all day every day by simply adding a pair of furry boots and a jacket. By purchasing a onesie with a button flap, you’ll never have to get out of it again, let alone wash it.


Parking can be expensive for students. If you seduce, hog-tie, and assume the identity of a tenured History of Irrigation Linguistics professor, you can use their parking space for practically nothing.


Badger food service personnel as much as possible while they are preparing food. Burned pizza makes for charcolicious savings!


Go dumpster diving, it will save you tons of money, plus it will boost your immune system so you’ll never have to waste time going to see the doctor.


Take advantage of being on the Island by diving for crabs and other sea life. You will cut both your food bill and your need for caffeine in half.


Befriend deer and learn their ways of properly digesting plant life.


By bringing a few disguises to Costco, you can eat for free on multiple occasions. Being able to fake accents is an asset. MARTLET STAFF

March 27, 2014


Nearly There!


The world is waiting to be explored! Reward yourself with an adventure this summer! Where will your dreams take you? Your Travel CUTS, Travel Guru is here to help. Open all year in the Student Union Building. @travelcuts

/Travel CUTS UVic Open Mon, Tue, Wed, Fri 9am - 5pm Thu 9:30am - 5pm

want to do it at the cottage.

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we are looking for energetic, hard-working, fun individuals!


Do it your way.


The semester is almost over. Are you thinking of picking up a prerequisite or redoing a course? Get ahead without sacrificing your summer.


We offer over 590 online and distance courses. Enrol anytime, study anywhere, then transfer your credits back to your current program.

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Junior Reporter Gabe Lunn






In order “not to cause a fuss,” Harrow plans on staying put in his North Surrey home until the transition can be finalized.


Man discovers lost Aztec treasure – becomes queen BY SOMEONE Vancouver, B.C. — A local B.C. man has stumbled upon the discovery of a lifetime. Outside the back porch of his modest Georgian estate in North Surrey, Franklin Harrow found what he believes to be not only Aztec treasure, but also incontrovertible proof that he is the rightful Queen of England. The Aztec treasure, rumoured to have been stolen by the hirsute conquistador Herman Cortez, is said to contain an unfathomable number of gold pieces, as well as priceless cultural artifacts from Aztec society. “Of course, the gold’s exciting,” said Harrow, “but what I’m really jazzed about is a piece of paper I found at the bottom of the chest that clearly states that I’m actually the Queen of England. I’m not sure what Elizabeth has, but I’d like to at least see her long-form birth certificate.” The details of how Aztec gold found its way under the ground in the Pacific Northwest, some 17 000 kilometres from the original location of the famed Halls of Montecristo, where the treasure is

said to have originated, remain unclear. “What I think actually happened,” said Harrow, “is that the treasure somehow gained consciousness. Now, I’m not saying this is likely, necessarily, but isn’t it at least possible that some kind of ancient Aztec magic propelled the treasure here to help support me in my bid for the throne? Let’s talk about that more.” Edward Oliphant, a next-door neighbour to Harrow, was somewhat skeptical. “He’s always been a bit strange, but a queen? I’d never have thought it. Still, I suppose there is the way he carries himself. It certainly wasn’t common, if that’s what you’re asking.” Although the content of the note that proves Harrow’s lineage remains secret for now, the presumptive royal has promised that he will reveal the details as soon as he is able. “It’s a very sensitive subject right now, on account of the fact that there are so many people whose feelings could be hurt,” said Harrow. “I understand Prince William and Duchess Kate recently had a baby, and I don’t want to make them feel like their child won’t be able to find work.

I’m looking into a possible compromise whereby I’ll be Queen of England, and the baby might be able to rule over Scotland or Ireland instead.” The Royal Family has given no official comment on the story yet, but an inside source is saying the current Queen is quite upset. It would seem there might be some merit yet to the claim, and a member of the British Parliament who spoke on the condition of anonymity said, “It’s something we all knew would happen eventually. If you think about it, the very idea of Elizabeth as queen is preposterous. If she’s got a chest of gold, god knows I’ve never seen it!” Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has released a short statement to the press expressing support for a homegrown monarch, saying, “While we support and love our current monarch, we’d sure like to see a Canadian on the throne for once. That’d be a nice change.” But until all of Harrow’s proof becomes public, it appears Canadians will have no choice but to wait and hope.

C A $H 4 CU TLERY Send us forks, we’ll send you warm, soft, floppy bills Sporks do not count as two pieces. Teaspoons no longer accepted. No pieces made after 2004. Metal chopstick still under review. We reserve the right cancel sale if visible bitemarks or water spots discovered prior to being processed.

Scientists have finally gathered enough information to confirm a long-held hypothesis that briefs, or “tighty whities,” are, in fact, deadly. “Let’s start off with the waistband,” said Chief Brief Scientist Dr. Ima Ahssat. “There is of course the case of the atomic wedgie.” In 2012, Jack Kof, a 32-year-old programmer from Albuquerque, New Mexico, was killed by asphyxiation after the waistband of his briefs was pulled over his head so far that they got stuck around his neck. This case was reportedly the “inciting incident” for Dr. Ahssat. “I always knew they were evil, but that’s when I knew I had to get some hard evidence.” What’s more is that the waistbands

on most briefs are, in fact, so tight that they can damage what Dr. Ahssat calls “a person’s squishy bits.” He went on to say that “prolonged pressure on one’s more sensitive inner organs can cause permanent damage . . . No, by squishy bits I am not referring to the testicles… However, testicles are, in fact, an issue.” As is often the case, Seinfeld was right all along: tight briefs reduce sperm count. “If every man were to wear briefs, theoretically, none of them could generate sperm. You can see how easily the world as we know it could collapse,” said Dr. Ahssat. “No sperm? No babies, and eventually no more humanity.” Dr. Ahssat urges everyone to burn their briefs, and stick to either silk boxer shorts, or “[. . .] just let the ol’ tan banana roam free.”

Man invents something


Sometime in the past month, a guy in a North American city invented something. After a full decade of work, this guy produced a small gray tube-like device. The device, currently unnamed, has yet to show any specific purpose. In regards to the device, the inventor said something like, “It’s still in the testing phase right now. I’m sure it does something, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet.” His applications for patents in Canada and the U.S. have been denied due to the lack of name or purpose for the device; however, he did say that Luxembourg has shown interest in providing funding. As one of the richest countries in the world per capita, Luxembourg can certainly help this man develop his ideas and invention. “We have confidence that this device will have a grand purpose,” said the dog-walker of the neighbour of the childhood friend of His Royal Highness Henri, Grand Duke of Luxembourg. “We’re a small country, so backing an underdog is kind of our thing. What if this device ends world hunger? You don’t know!” The guy who invented the device doesn’t seem to believe it will end world hunger. “I dunno. I could see it like flying or being a time machine or something. Ending world hunger would be totally cool, but to be honest, I’m pretty sure that’s not possible. I mean, could

you imagine never being hungry ever? How would you know to eat?” A doctor in Canada said that the inventor may not be as much of a genius as Luxembourg thinks. He said that the inventor is a stoner who just sits around all day and watches TV and the invention is just a cardboard tube filled with silly putty. The inventor, however, says that the doctor’s credentials can’t be trusted. “Dude’s doctorate is in philosophy,” he said. “You can’t trust a philosophy major. They have their head up in the clouds, yo. Seriously. Ask that guy how much he’s smoked in the last week. Who’s the stoner now?” The Canadian doctor admits to smoking marijuana, but also presented a licence for medical usage. As that is legal in Canada, it cannot be used to dispute his credibility. The fact that he said he was a doctor and neglected to say in what, however, is a different story. Luxembourg refused to accept his claims that the device will never have a useful purpose. While the guy and his device still have yet to prove their worth, Luxembourg continues to funnel millions of Euros into the research and development of this invention. The inventor has so-far purchased a mansion which he says will help to test the device. He has tried throwing it from the roof in hopes that it will fly, and dropping it in the pool to see if it will float. So far, none of his tests have been successful.


UVSS bans itself from the SUB BY NEIL G. RAYZER In an effort to be taken more seriously by students, the UVSS voted unanimously to ban itself from the SUB. An unnamed interim representative was quoted as saying: “The UVSS has always been an agent for underrepresented social movements and groups, both on-campus and at large. We have found throughout our history that banning things is an efficient method for representing diverse sets of interests on-campus. By banning ourselves, we are sending a strong and clear message that we will not tolerate oppressive behaviour.” Most students have expressed

indifference, although some expressed annoyance that the UVSS hadn’t done so sooner. Third-year Commerce student Brad Daniels stated, “Uh, yeah, I don’t know. I don’t really give a shit,” while first-year Engineering student Ben Dover said, “I commend the UVSS for a decision that’s practical utility is commensurate with, and only with, its immense symbolic weight. Presumably they did so democratically and in the best interests of the student body. It would be a shame— and a sham, in fact—if such a decision had been done to advance their personal beliefs, or at the expense of fundamental civil liberties enjoyed

by all persons regardless of political affiliation or personal preference. After all, unilateral top-down political action and authority, unchecked by electors or a fair and just frame of ethics or law that is applied impartially and liberally—while not sweeping in its interpretation—to all those under its auspices, sets a precedent and legitimizes a practice that should be unequivocally cautioned against. The consequences can be irreversible both in principle and in practice. Sovereignty ultimately rests and must remain in the hands of students, irrespective of their commitment to the SUB. Responsible government, student or otherwise, means protecting

the rights of those we disagree with while balancing competing interests without resorting to heavy-handed political tactics that impinge upon individual liberties.” Political Science professor Jeffrey Kincaide stated, “The UVSS is really making history here. It really is quite rare for student societies to recognize when they’re taking themselves too seriously, let alone when they’re changing things people don’t want changed.” Whether the UVSS will be on the receiving end of a lawsuit for banning the UVSS remains to be seen throughout the following weeks.

Lone banjo player plays music downtown sometimes



FOR SALE One cat: High IQ, enjoys being read Shakespeare, has strict diet. Voted best cat on the Internet 1999, lives strictly indoors and must be hugged 3hrs a day. Must sell due to constant bites and scratches. Will take any offer. E-mail

W4M — March 20, 70x bus to Swartz Bay Nice smile, even nicer backpack. Your backpack was jammed full, the zipper bursting. Most likely full of books of poetry. Your eyes seem like they read poetry. The backpack looked new, purchased in the last six months, but still well used. Perhaps you’ve taken a trip up island to Tofino recently? The colour of the backpack reminded me of a dress I wore to my sixth grade music recital. I’ve since given up singing, but thank you for reminding me of my childhood. Youth is fleeting, isn’t it?


Some benches somewhere

PeoPle are uPset A UVic club that re-creates past events has received disciplinary action for their refusal to acknowledge that, despite the inclusion of a famous author’s book series and subsequent celluloid reproductions in the university’s history curriculum, the scenarios are not a depiction of historical events. Because of this, their disruptive re-creations are not due to a duty to honour the memory of the original participants. The conflict is with some people who put themselves in charge of making sure nobody causes trouble on campus, who note one incident in particular as the point at which they had to take action.

WANTED One car: Must have wheels and seats. Doors preferred, roof optional. Colour preferred: any, no shades. Looking to negotiate a price. To contact, skype coolguy3031990.

Missed connections

Some club does something BY WALLACE STAPLES

WANTED One free object: Must be roughly two to 10 feet in length. Must be light enough to carry home but heavy enough to harm others. Can be made of any substance except loose materials like Jell-O. No questions/cops preferred. Will pick up. E-mail

FOR SALE Human hair: Very fresh, will soak up any spill. Great pillow/stuffed animal filler. Offers accepted. To contact, call 911, ask for Frank.

BY LIBERTY CABRERA A man with a banjo was seen singing something on a street downtown last Tuesday at around noonish. It was folk music, or something alternative, and it was definitely acoustic. When we asked the crowd surrounding him what they thought they said, “We’re just waiting for a bus,” “Oh that guy? Yeah I guess he is alright,” and, “Is that even a banjo?” When we asked the man what his inspiration was, he said, “I don’t really know…maybe Bob Dylan?” and walked away. Upon further investigation, we found out that his name is Tom, or maybe Tim. Sources say Tim/Tom is often seen around that area throughout the week, and he generally also has a banjo with him, though they could not confirm when he plays it and where. The man may be there again next Tuesday, so you could go see him, if that was something you wanted to do, and if he was there, which we are unable to confirm at this time. We suggest you might want to check it out, if you like that kind of thing.


Sam Wood, a person of greater importance among the people in charge of making sure nobody causes trouble on campus, says, “It all became too much when a couple of people dressed in flowing hooded cloth spent several days scaling the oddly shaped bump near the campus sustenance outlet named after the tubed noodle portion of a common food made of noodles and solid orange milk product.” According to Wood, not only was the scaling of the object distracting other school-going people but those scaling the bump appeared to be in distress and rambling about getting a circular metal object to the top to drop in what the people referred to as a volcano that’s name brought about

negative implications. The people in charge of making sure nobody causes trouble on campus grew more concerned when the club appeared to be branching out into recreating an actual historical event, when they were seen tossing smaller schoolgoing people across the circular paved roadway on campus. The concern was that participants were now re-creating the less-than-wholesome celluloid reproduction about the canine of a financial district, which starred that actor named after a famous painter. It was discovered with very little relief that the club was, in fact, again re-creating scenes from the celluloid recreation of the book series. The department for the people in

The Some News is a subsidiary of Derpwin Turpintine and Black Castle News Corp.

Some News follows the principles of some white guy’s statement of facts and good fiscal practice. We strive to publish the most exciting and important content possible, while ignoring when needed any thing that could deter from the Black Castle News Corp. finding avenues for mo’ money and less problems. Grrrnalist-in-Chief Gertrude McGee Available for comment at






charge of making sure nobody causes trouble on campus also received a record number of complaints in recent weeks because of the actions of the club. One member of the club blocked access to morning sustenance, saying that the other school-going people would not make it past him. The blockade set up in order for some members of the club to have second early-day sustenance, which greatly irritated the other schoolgoing people who had yet to have first early-day sustenance. Wood says, “It has just been a huge disruption. Something had to be done. School-going people must be able to go about their day without fear of being tossed or denied their early day sustenance.”






W4M — March 11, Martlet office We saw each other from across the room. You have brown hair. It’s a nice shade of brown, like one Crayola would make a pencil crayon of. They’d probably even include the colour in those special edition packages only sold in September. If I had to name the colour of your hair, I’d call it chocolate milk mocha or whole grain tortilla wrap. M4W — Spring or Summer of last year maybe I saw you studying while I was waiting in line at that café. I had just gone in to use the bathroom, but they told me it was for customers only, so I was scanning the menu for something cheap. I don’t really like to waste food though, so I thought maybe I’d just get something small, like a bottled water or a bran muffin. I thought about something with blueberries, but then I remembered how blueberries make things all soggy and I wasn’t really feelin’ it. I ended up getting a day-old pumpkin scone, because it was a dollar cheaper than those regular overpriced ones they always have. You looked hot though, even if I only saw you from behind. M4Bus — Like, every day You were a bus, I was being passed up. As you drove by at incredible speed, without even the slightest intention of stopping, all I could think was, I have a test in 20 minutes. I had crammed for it all morning, too. Maybe you had passed by because there was another bus on the way, but I didn’t see one. I ended up having to walk a brisk six blocks and barely made it on time. Maybe next time we could catch up and you could find another way of leaving me breathless.

March 27, 2014  

Issue 28, Volume 66

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