alone, my fingers absentmindedly toying with a plastic cup of beer, squeezing my thighs impossibly closer together to hide my shame, knowing in my heart of hearts that he could never love a girl as defective and damaged as me. We were there together, a duo, a couple, the two of us. But I could not have felt any more alone, alone with my thoughts, my broken heart, and my fat thighs. One. I threw away my jeggings in July. I was newly single and on a rampage for change and newness. Trashing the pants meant trashing everything they stood for: insecurity, a damaged body, a broken spirit; it also just felt good to not open my closet only to stare at the rips, as if they were taunting me. I shoved them in a plastic bag and tossed the bag into the green trash receptacle in the garage, and I even managed to smile. I resolved to dedicate my focus to a single subject, my love to the one and only person who needed it the most: me. I stood in front of the clothing rack with my mother a few months ago as she haphazardly piled various pairs of denim pants into my open arms, and noticed the hangers didn’t have color-coded sizing tags. She finished her rifling, and shooed me toward the fitting rooms in the back. I tossed the jeans into a careless pile on the tiny fitting room bench, and stripped down to my underwear before selecting a pair at random, a pair of jeggings. I slid into them with ease, fastening them comfortably just below my belly button, and turned to face the full length mirror to evaluate. I loved them; the dark wash color was perfect against my light skin, the cut of the fabric accentuated the curve of my legs and hips perfectly, and – I noticed with glee as I dipped down into a squatting position – they were incredibly soft and stretchy. Sold. I wiggled out of them and fumbled to check the price tag before going to the checkout counter. It was only then that I noticed it; I had somehow overlooked it amidst all the clothing items and the dressing and undressing, but there it was, loud and bright and taunting me from the inside waistband. Size six.
75