1
SET YOUR MARRIAGE EXPECTATION BAR AT OLYMPIAN HEIGHTS. Keep believing in fairy tales—the handsome, studly Prince on his white horse continually wooing the beautiful princess. No daily reality intrudes here. No fights about who feeds the horse, or worse, who cleans up after the horse. When the impossible bar isn’t met, don’t hesitate to believe that your whole marriage is rotten. Negative generalizations are always good.
2
SUPER-SIZE EVERY ARGUMENT. IF YOU HAVE A DISAGREEMENT, EXPAND IT TO BE A FULL-FLEDGED ARGUMENT. Let’s say it starts about whose turn it is to load the dishwasher. Add fuel to the verbal fire by bringing up every real or imagined slight that you can remember. Cast aspersions at each other’s friends and family. Say things like “You’re just like your father. He never did anything around the house either”.
3
STRETCH THE ARGUMENT OUT AS LONG AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN. Sleep with your anger, not with your spouse. See if you can set a new record of not talking. If you forget what the original argument was about, don’t worry. Dredge up something from left field.
4
REFUSE TO CHANGE OR ADAPT. Now that you are married, insist that things remain exactly the same as during your courtship, or when you were cohabiting. Refuse to accept that the dynamics can change with the marriage licence and the added commitment wedding vows can bring.
5
BE REALLY HARD TO PLEASE. It will keep your mate on his toes. In fact, he’ll be so “en pointe” that he will get a fearful little quake whenever he even thinks about you. If he brings you red roses and you prefer yellow ones, let him know in no
uncertain terms. Tell him he should have known better, and that he probably gave red roses to his previous girlfriend. Don’t put those red roses in water, leave them on the counter to die. Better yet, throw them in the garbage while he’s watching. You can bet he won’t make the mistake of bringing you red roses, or maybe even any roses, ever again.
6
KEEP SCORE ONLY OF THE NEGATIVES. Pay attention to the things your partner does that you don’t like, and magnify them. If your partner does something that should please you, say something like, “Well, it’s about time” or “What are you feeling guilty about?” to turn the positive deed into a negative one.
7
BECOME A MASTER OF MANIPULATION. This is how to get what you want, even if it is contrary to your partner’s best interests. Enjoy the sense of power you have over another human being and don’t hesitate to wield it. If you don’t get your way at first, revert to kindergarten behaviour. Throw a tantrum, sulk and pout.
8
DON’T EXPRESS YOUR AFFECTION. Hugs during dishes, holding hands in the mall, special words that were magic to your ears during courtship—forget all that puppy-love stuff. Marriage is serious business. Look at those antique photos of severelooking couples. Follow their example or you’ll have laugh lines developing all over the place.
9
DON’T PLAN ANY DATES TOGETHER. The dating part should end with that walk up the aisle. All your time together should be spent with other people—his friends, your friends, his family, your family, your business acquaintances, his business peers. Don’t get off-track by taking an unplanned walk under a moonlit sky, with the snow twinkling with a million diamond crystals.
10
SILENCE IS GOLDEN, ESPECIALLY IN MARRIAGE. Share your thoughts, dreams, goals, feelings and uncertainties with your mate? No way. Make a long list of topics that are not available for discussion. Keep adding to the list. Think of this as your personal version of Tolstoy’s War and Peace, that massive epic at least 1,000 pages long.
11
SHARE INNERMOST THOUGHTS, BUT NOT WITH EACH OTHER. If your spouse confides an intimate or perhaps humiliating experience, by all means share this conversational nugget with friends and family. For maximum impact, choose a public occasion such as a dinner party to bring it up.
12
SET AN AGENDA, CARVED IN STONE. For example, Saturday mornings are for laundry, so don’t be sidetracked by that urge to snuggle under the duvet. Make love at pre-arranged times and only in your bedroom and always in the same position. This will save time in the long run.
13
IGNORE THE GOOD THINGS YOUR MATE DOES FOR YOU. FOCUS EXCLUSIVELY ON WHAT’S NOT DONE. So he shovels out the driveway so you can make it to your health club by 6:30 a.m. But he left the toilet seat up in his haste to get out there in the –20º Celsius morning. When he comes back into the house, let him have it about the faux pas, but don’t thank him for the consideration he showed with that shovel.
14
YOU ARE PERFECT. Some sages say that marriage is a commitment between two imperfect people. However, you are perfect, and don’t ever let your mate forget it. Tell your partner how difficult it is to live co-habit and how lucky your mate is to have you, the eternallyperfect one.
Wedding Essentials 20 1 4 | 103