welcome to the tiny revolution... It’s hard to believe it was our first
body
birthday
health, both mentally and physically.
at
the
beginning
of
May.
Two magazines, two amazing launch a
host
of
appearances,
has
affected
her
Jonatha Kottler (p43) explains the
What a year it’s been for Marbles.
events,
positivity
an
award nomination, and tons of new pals along the way. We feel really psyched to even be entering our second year
creative way she worked her way out of one major depressive bout. On p73, we’re
so
happy
to
welcome
Shamso
Abdirahman, who talks about religion, culture and mental health.
as a magazine, let alone having had
Our returning writers always make
such a swell time over the past year.
us smile, and this issue we have, once
Since the last issue, we’ve been having a wee think about how best to present Marbles to you. We know we’re 100% dedicated to providing amazing mental health writing and interviews. That’s not going to stop. But we’re just as interested in exploring how
again, Arusa Qureshi (p11), this time interviewing and
activist
musician, Ananya
entrepreneur Birla;
Laura
Waddell (p47) writing beautifully on anxiety at the optician; and David Pollock (p31) having a lovely chat with Scottish musician Adam Stafford.
we look at media as we are exploring
There are, of course, plenty more
how we look at mental health. We have
articles to get stuck into, enjoy,
some exciting new ideas in the works.
and
On the
that issue.
incredible
cryptic
note,
We
some
new
have folks
on
back
to
genuinely board
for
Marbles #3. Lola Keeley (p61) tackles the thorny subject of HAES and how
learn
a
little.
We’re
excited
for you to read Marbles #3, excited to still be here, and excited about what the future holds. Thank you, as always, for reading.
INSIDE THIS ISSUE... PERSONAL ESSAYS 7 //
MAGIC HABITS & ANXIETY
65 //
ATTITUDES ARE THE REAL
Alice Tarbuck
DISABILITY
Ricky Monahan Brown
73 //
TALKING TO AN OLD WHITE
MAN IN A CHAIR
Shamso Abdirahman
27 //
FRAGMENTS OF GRIEF
Dave Mackay
35 //
THE PRICE OF SALT
Eleanore Reid
39 //
THERE’S A GREMLIN IN MY
STOMATCH
Jo Marjoribanks
43 //
I WROTE MY WAY OUT
Jonatha Kottler
47 //
KZNHD
Laura Waddell
51 //
MAD & BAD
Lilith Cooper
61 //
HEALTHY (BUT NOT AT THIS SIZE)
Lola Keeley
77 //
BREAKING FREE
Sharon Jones
81 //
RECOVERY
Stella Hervey Birrell
89 //
WHEN MATHS GIVES YOU
PANIC ATTACKS
Yasemin Fischer
INTERVIEWS & FEATURES 11 //
ANANYA BIRLA
69 //
WILD AND KIND
Arusa Qureshi
Sarah-Louise Kelly
17 //
SELF-CARE THROUGH
85 //
TRIGGER
FLEXIBLE WORK
Kirstyn Smith
Becca Inglis
21 //
DAVE CHAWNER
Kirstyn Smith
31 //
ADAM STAFFORD
David Pollock
55 //
LILY ASCH
Kirstyn Smith
ILLUSTRATION 93 //
BENZO & JERRY’S
Rachel Rowan Olive
SPECIAL THANKS TO JOE MCMANUS Edited by KIRSTYN SMITH Designed by RITA FAIRE Printed by MIXAM
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without written permission from the publisher.
The views
expressed in Marbles are not necessarily those of the contributors, editors, or publishers.
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MAGICAL HABITS & ANXIETY by ALICE TARBUCK
Colloquialisms
associated
with
depressive
or
anxious behaviour often focus on negative habit forming: one can ‘fall into a rut’ or become ‘stuck’, develop ‘bad habits’ or lose positive ones.
My
experience
with
anxiety
has
been
mirrored by these phrases. When my mental health is bad, hard-fought for habits such as daily walks, contact with friends, even cooking, fall away. I find these habitless periods chaotic and bewildering. Days may run together, and tasks pile up. Outside my head, time seems to move in strange ways: hours are like lightning or treacle, weeks curious conglomerates of missed deadlines and undrunk cups of tea. On a microlevel, anxiety can upset time. However, in a broader view, time continues to move exactly as it should. If I find hours and
days
comforting.
difficult, They
I
unfold
find as
seasons
they
will,
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
deeply within 9
MAGICAL HABITS & ANXIETY BY ALICE TARBUCK
broadly outlined, but ultimately non-specific, purple
time.
crocus
does
The not
appear
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
on the same day every year–but, crucially,
it
always
appears.
For me, seasonal unfolding stops the unmoored feeling brought on by anxiety, because it gives me an
entirely
externalised
time-
MAGICAL HABITS & ANXIETY BY ALICE TARBUCK
frame to focus on. This, for me, is where rituals and habits can come in. However I am feeling about
my
life,
the
moon
will
be full once a month. The moon! That
beautiful
celestial
body
which pulls our tides. For me, honouring
the
moon’s
to go out and see people.
first
fullness,
whether that is sitting in her light for ten minutes (a habit rather brilliantly called ‘moonbathing’) or lighting a candle, or doing some basic spellwork, is a way of moving out beyond the brain-prison of an anxious state, even when I’m too unwell
Faith
can
be
an
enormous
succour, and although I am not religious, I find that I have increasing
faith
in
the
world
beyond me: the sea, the moon, the
earth,
is
where
and
small magic
dwells,
plants. comes
for
me:
This from,
in
the
interactions that occur between myself
and
the
natural
world.
Whatever you believe magic is - or if you disbelieve it altogether - the potency of ritual is welldocumented. Just as prayer can lift the spirits, so spells can. Burning
negative
candle-flame, out
of
thoughts
over
coaxing
seeds
making
herbal
earth,
offerings, each plant a potent symbol.
All
connect
me
larger
than
of back
these
things
to
something
myself,
something
that keeps going whether or not
“THE SEA, THE MOON, THE EARTH, SMALL PLANTS. THIS IS WHERE MAGIC COMES FROM...”
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10
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
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11
can
keep
Something
going
that
in
is
my
bigger
life. than
thoughts
or
Focus
something
on
bigger,
the
web of life, makes me feel less
inscrutable motions, or on the
alone, makes my suffering feel
seasons
with
less anguished and urgent.
changes,
and
There
is
also
something a place
conducive to reflection - on the natural world or not. I recently set up a proper altar, and enjoy lighting
a
candle
on
it
and
sending up my thoughts into the universe at large. Magic is, for many
people,
the
identifying
and exertion of the will in the
and
its
on
myself, the whole interconnected
wonderful about having
universe
catastrophising.
their
slow,
cyclical
celebrating
have given me a grounding point, and hugely helped in managing my anxiety.
Bringing
myself
helping
things
world
helps
me
rediscover
robbing
condition,
which
often
makes the sufferer feel utterly powerless,
trapped
by
swirling
my
will: it gives me the power to say, as some Wiccans and witches do at the end of spellwork ‘so mote it be’.
align
for oneself. Anxiety is a will-
into
closer relation with the natural
world: setting intentions, taking action,
that
focus through ritual and magic,
ALICE TARBUCK is an academic & writer living in Edinburgh. Her first poetry pamphlet, Grid, is published by Sad Press. @atarbuck
MAGICAL HABITS & ANXIETY BY ALICE TARBUCK
I
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ANANYA BIRLA by ARUSA QURESHI
For most 20-something pop musicians, enacting social change may not land right at the top of the to-do list, but, for Ananya Birla, music and social change go hand in hand. The Mumbai singer-songwriter signed to Universal India in 2016, with her electro-pop sound proving popular among fans as well as future collaborators Afrojack and Mood Melodies. But, aside from her success in India with her debut ‘Livin’ the Life’ and platinum selling 2017 single ‘Meant to Be’, Ananya’s passions have long extended beyond music to business, entrepreneurship and social justice. At the age of 17 she launched Svatantra, a microfinance organisation that helps empower rural women and, more recently, she co-founded mental health initiative MPower, which aims to lead the movement towards better mental health care services in India. With an EP due later this year, Ananya’s new single ‘Hold On’ may signal a blossoming pop music career, but her many projects, campaigns and initiatives also highlight her innate desire to make the world a better place. We catch up with Ananya to hear
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
13 ANANYA BIRLA BY ARUSA QURESHI
more about her music, the growth
Could you tell us more about your
of MPower and why she chooses to
new single ‘Hold On’? What does
keep
your
business
and
philanthropy
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
Having grown up in India but spent time working around the world, how have different cultures and experiences
impacted
how
you
make music?
ANANYA BIRLA BY ARUSA QURESHI
I’ve
the
so
many
learning
I
travel!
privilege people
of from
experience
whenever
But,
thing
one
I
have realised is that no matter where
you
go,
however
wildly
different it may be to your home, universal emotional experiences bind
us
love,
together:
falling
breaking-up,
in
rejection,
loneliness, joy. I
create
Authenticity music
to
sake.
But,
music
offers
reach
and
based
on
people
the
world
I
also the
share
like
that
potential an
to
emotional
experience with people anywhere. is
this
amazing
universal
language that people can connect with regardless of nationality, gender,
sexuality,
or
social
background. From
the
most
based
on
either
personal
my
own
or
from stories I relate to from enjoy
writing
about
love
and
stories of overcoming adversity. Sometimes
it
starts
with
lyrics, sometimes with a melody that I think captures the emotion I’m trying to convey. I am still growing as an artist, so I don’t necessarily have a fixed process. I am always open to being led by
what
feels
right.
If
it’s
meant to be then the song comes you move on. Especially seen
recently,
relationships
I
have
which
have
been challenged because of social pressures, whether that’s race, religion, sexuality—all sorts of things. With ‘Hold On’ I wanted to address this, and to praise the brave people who overcome it. I wanted to tell couples going through a difficult period that, if
you
love
someone
and
they
respect and love you in return, perspective,
it’ll be worth it and the journey
wherever I travel I observe how
only makes you stronger as an
the culture of a place influences
individual and as a couple.
its
a
is
together. Often it doesn’t and
music
over. I love music for music’s
It
is
experience,
emotional experiences which are relatable
usually
important thing to me. All my
different cultures. It’s always a
process
the people I meet. I particularly
had
meeting
writing
involve?
closely connected.
sound
music.
I’ve
found
that
the identity of a nation or a
How do you balance your role as
community
a musician and entrepreneur with
music.
is
so
bound
to
its
various projects on the go?
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14
grades, to run my business back in India, to play at gigs every
I am so fortunate to have such
weekend,
amazing teams working with me on
impossible to do it all well. I
my music and my businesses. It is
battled against anxiety and panic
because of them that I am able to
attacks and found it difficult to
prioritise and delegate when it
reach out for help. I was nervous
is necessary.
that people would undermine my
Over
the
past
year,
I
have
to
socialise.
It
was
abilities.
for
issues around addressing mental
MPower. I have been able to take
health became even more evident.
a much more strategic role with
Today,
Svatantra, the business I set up
students in India is at one per
when I was 17. Svatantra, which
hour, over 20% of young people
means freedom in Hindi, empowers
suffer from a disabling mental
women in the Indian countryside
illness,
by
3000 psychiatrists for the 20m
and
working
on
helping
campaigns
them
grow
their
businesses. Currently, little
I
more
managing
have
to
be
innovative
my
time—I’ll
a
with
jump
on
Skype calls with my team while
the
suicide
and
rate
there
among
are
Indian
people
battling
health
issues.
Even
only mental
when
help
is available, people are scared to
reach
out
because
of
the
devastating stigma.
getting makeup done for a shoot
My mother and I started MPower
or go through paperwork while on
to make it easier for people to get
a flight.
help and to empower individuals and their families dealing with
What
made
MPower?
you
Why
want
is
to
start
breaking
down
mental
health
disorders.
We
provide
world-class
the stigma that surrounds mental
services
in
health important to you?
and we run initiatives such as
I was
had at
a
tough
university
Initially adjust—the
it
was
time in
when the
difficult
transition
from
I
UK. to
our
holistic
care
centre,
concerts and cyclothons to raise awareness and encourage education to stamp out the stigma.
the
Starting MPower was extremely
intensity of Mumbai to the uber
important because of my personal
quiet streets of Oxford and a
connection, I know how it touches
whole new group of people was
people’s
harder than I expected. Then I
shy
struggled because I began to put
the situation better for other
myself under too much pressure
people who found themselves in a
to do everything. To achieve the
similar position to me
away
lives from
and
I
trying
couldn’t to
make
ANANYA BIRLA BY ARUSA QURESHI
When I returned to India, the
been really focused on my music
15
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
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Surrounding yourself with good people is essential for success.
Do you think there is a particular
scientific and medical knowledge.
difference in how mental health is viewed and spoken about in
We
also
know
how
important
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
India?
it is still a topic that people
to
aren’t that vocal about and feel
this at all levels of society.
the need to hide from society.
We work with industry leaders,
The perception is slowly changing
influencers
ANANYA BIRLA BY ARUSA QURESHI
it is to start at the top in
but there’s a long way to go. It
make
is a global issue, but the degree
that’s
influencing
to which Indians have to suffer
driving
greater
silently is alarming.
providing proper care.
convincing people that there is
Most
definitely.
Currently
Depression and suicide rates
no shame about mental health and normalise
discussions
and
positive
Eventually
about
governments change;
to
whether
policy
or
investment
for
I
want
afraid
help
this early stage I want to focus
because they don’t want to be
on issues in India, where we are
judged or perceived as inadequate.
already making a big impact.
reach
out
for
Particularly in rural India, you still see parents taking unwell children to temples instead of hospitals.
but
take
MPower
to
international,
to
are on the rise, and people are
at
// Find out more at ananyabirla.com and mpowerminds.com.
What do you hope that MPower will accomplish in its work in mental health in India and beyond? With
MPower,
we
hope
that
eventually people will know that their
mental
health
does
not
determine their right or ability to contribute to society. And, that sometimes it is okay not to be okay. It’s for and has
extremely
people
to
accepting a
mental
important
be
supportive
when illness,
someone and
be
empowered to understand how they can
help,
rather
than
blaming
external circumstances. We want to continue to raise awareness and encourage education based on
ARUSA QURESHI works as an Editor for The List. She was the winner of the Postgraduate Student of the Year award at the 2016 Scottish Magazine Awards and her dissertation on the role of women of colour in the industry won the Postgraduate Dissertation prize at the 2017 London Book Fair International Excellence Awards. Most recently, she was announced as the winner in the features category of the 2017 Allen Wright Award for arts journalists under 30.
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ARTICLE TITLE BY AUTHOR
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SELF-CARE THROUGH
FLEXIBLE WORK... by BECCA INGLIS
Freelancing, on the face of it, is a terrible idea when you have depression or anxiety. Job insecurity and an unstable income are pretty much guaranteed, which is stressful enough without a lack of self-belief. Networking, every socially anxious person’s worst nightmare, is necessary, as is the ability to sell yourself in spite of your tendency towards negative self-talk. When I first thought about working for myself, headlines like ‘Why Freelancers Are So Depressed’ and ‘How Self-Employment Can Impact Your Mental Health’ dominated
Google’s
first
page.
The
received
wisdom seemed to be ‘don’t do it!’, and I very nearly didn’t. But there is a flipside. Self-employment is hard, but there are ways in which it has helped me and others better manage our mental health. The most obvious benefit is the adaptable lifestyle. ‘You have a lot of flexibility in your work
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
19 SELF-CARE THROUGH FLEXIBLE WORK BY BECCA INGLIS
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
Wilson,
For Heather McDaid, co-founder
who promotes gigs in Edinburgh
of 404 Ink, self-employment has
as Flow State Music. ‘If you’re
meant committing more consciously
having
to time away from work.
schedule,’
day, out
says
a
particularly
you to
can
do
thinking
Kyle
take
your
thing
positively
productively.’
some
For
shit time
and
and
get work
Kyle,
and
for me, that means disconnecting
SELF-CARE THROUGH FLEXIBLE WORK BY BECCA INGLIS
from the internet for a few hours and going for a walk. Not a lot cures heart palpitations and a frazzled head like a march around the block with your headphones
‘I can see the red flags on me slipping into a darker place and I try to combat it early,’ she says, ‘even if that’s stopping work at 11am and watching trashy TV. Instead of feeling like a wasted day, I’ve tried to refocus it as making me feel better enough to work fully the next day.’ At
in. Getting to know your personal stressors and how to manage them is part of being self-employed, partly
because
its
pressures
are what triggers them. My own anxiety and depression are very
the
end
of
last
year,
Heather and 404 Ink co-founder Laura Jones published a blog post titled ‘We are tired af’, which detailed
their
burnout
from
a
year of solid work. ‘We
made
pledges
and it really has worked,’ says
and comparing myself to others
Heather. ‘It’s about structure,
being the main culprits—that I
giving
am forced to confront every day
space, and coming back to work
I
with a clearer head. It’s easy
work.
CBT
(cognitive
of
to
thinking—a fear of the unknown
to
care
how
better
go
take
on
much tied to certain patterns of
yourself
breathing
behavioural therapy), where you
when
work to notice and challenge your
home, to think you need to work
own negative thoughts, has been
constantly, but balance is key.’
prescribed to me in the past, and I have never been much good at it. But it is an evidence-based form of self-help, and after two years
of
freelancing
there
is
now a stack of that proving I am able to deal with stressful situations, can keep sourcing new projects and proving my work’s worth, and that I can do it over and
over
again.
Practice
has
working
ourselves
yourself,
and
at
I read the blog post at the time and felt enormous comfort. It was reassuring to know that other
freelancers
found
things
hard, and that I wasn’t in some way deficient. Kyle believes that even more of us should be opening up about our mental health. ‘More
people
are
being
open
about mental health, but there
helped me reframe uncertainty as
still
something to be comfortable with.
attached,’
seems he
to
be
says.
a
stigma
‘You
are
✂ TEAR HERE
20
some
he
freelancers I’ve spoken to are in
own
business
and
in
fear of losing out on future work
it’s good to get an outsider’s
because of their mental health
perspective. We’re all human at
situation.’
the end of the day!’
says. your
‘Someone situation
has
been
before
and
But talking about it can show that
freelancing
with
mental
illness is not only possible but relatively
common.
survey
Kyle
published
quotes
by
Help
Musicians UK, which found that 74% of workers in the creative industry reported suffering from mental health issues. ‘Chatting freelancers,
with and
other
friends
in
general, about issues, can help,’
BECCA INGLIS is a creative nonfiction writer and reviewer based in Edinburgh. She is the Books Editor for The Wee Review, writes about music for The Skinny, and her essay, ‘Love in a Time of Melancholia’ appeared in 404 Ink’s 2017 collection Nasty Women. Becca has also performed her work at For Books Sake’s ‘That’s What She Said’ and Interrobang.
“SELF-EMPLOYMENT IS HARD, BUT THERE ARE WAYS IN WHICH IT HAS HELPED ME AND OTHERS BETTER MANAGE OUR MENTAL HEALTH. THE MOST OBVIOUS BENEFIT IS THE ADAPTABLE LIFESTYLE.”
SELF-CARE THROUGH FLEXIBLE WORK BY BECCA INGLIS
one
21
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
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your
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DAVE CHAWNER interview by KIRSTYN SMITH
Dave Chawner is an award-winning comic, published author
and
mental
health
campaigner.
He’s
been
featured in The Guardian, The Independent, The Metro, Tomorrow’s World, Mental Health in the Metropolis, and BBC Breakfast. His 2015 Fringe show, Mental, was a vulnerable look at living with anorexia, and his 2017 Fringe show, C’est La Vegan, talked about his complicated history with food.
// I always say it started at 17, but I don’t think it manifests overnight. But when I was 17 there were numerous different triggers. One of the bigger ones was that I really enjoyed my childhood, unlike, I think, a lot of mental health stories. I had a fucking great childhood. And I think I didn’t want that to end. I got a lead role in a play and I had to lose a little bit of weight for it and everyone kept on telling me that I looked good. At that point, I had UCAS deadlines, I had exams, I had resits and coursework, and I didn’t feel good. I felt like I was on a conveyor belt with no way to stop it. I could see I was going to move away from my friends, who I got on with so well, my family, my girlfriend.
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
23 DAVE CHAWNER BY KIRSTYN SMITH
Anorexia became a subliminal response
to
my
situation.
In the end, a woman from Lambeth Talking
Therapies
said:
‘We’ll
and
try and treat your depression,
challenging and out of my reach,
but I’m telling you now, it’ll
that it was quite nice to have
do bugger all if you don’t see to
a
that
the anorexia. Your brain doesn’t
was above life that I could do
have the energy to release the
something about.
endorphins.’ If you don’t charge
Everything
felt
so
big
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
distraction—something
your laptop, you can’t be annoyed
DAVE CHAWNER BY KIRSTYN SMITH
// My
it’s not working.
relationship
with
anorexia
would go in and out of focus. I decided to do a show about it because I wanted to use humour to engage people and to raise awareness guilty
of
anorexia.
meeting
these
I
felt
people—
these mothers, brothers, sisters, boyfriends—whose lives had been ravaged.And
here
was
me,
some
little jumped-up prick. So I had this massive relapse. It
was
a
very
dangerous
relapse, because I knew exactly
I
was
always
really
staunch
that if I got offered treatment I
would
engage
to
100%
of
my
ability. Although my BMI was low, it wasn’t a critical level. It’s hard to reconcile that it’s not actually a binary thing: it’s a sliding scale of severity, and that’s why I want to be the change that I don’t think was around. It’s not about BMIs, it’s not about waist size, it’s not about kilos, it’s about the impact it has on people’s lives.
was a slow form of suicide, and I
//
was very much aware of that and I
A key point in my recovery was
started to speed up that process,
instead of looking at it like
started writing the letters and
losing the anorexia, I started
started getting the videos ready.
seeing
what I was doing. The anorexia
// The
only
reason,
depression.
honestly,
I
Depression
is
shit. I felt rubbish for ages and I had sustained low moods, and there was one particular week where
everything
as
gaining
my
life
I remember feeling like I did
engaged with therapy was because of
it
back. One Thursday in March 2016,
was
perfect—
everything I’d ever asked for was coming true. I just didn’t feel it at all and I went to the GP.
all those years ago when I was in sixth form: silly and having fun, and I realised I used to really enjoy being that kind of person. Happy-go-lucky, silly, a bit cheeky, a bit of a lad. That was
a
critical
turning
point,
realising the thing I’m gaining back is actually quite fun. I hate to admit it, but I think
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ARTICLE TITLE BY AUTHOR
one of my biggest triggers for
the moment, I’ve had an argument
anorexia was loneliness. I put
with my girlfriend and I feel
pressure MARBLES MAGAZINE,
a
really guilty about it and I’m
partner because I thought I would
pushing people away and this is a
die alone. I hate that, because
constant pattern and I don’t know
it’s
how to break it.’
on
the
myself
sort
of
to
find
shit
that
Hollywood spins up, and I don’t think you should ever put your recovery
into
somebody
else’s
DAVE CHAWNER BY KIRSTYN SMITH
hands. It put a hell of a lot of pressure on Una, my girlfriend, as well. Hopefully she’s going to be the girl that I spend the rest of my life with, and I think she was a huge turning point, but whether that’s helpful is a very different question.
I had a bit of a blip last year. I was really down and out, so the
Samaritans
man
I
I’ve
think
said: got
you’ve
‘I’m to
got
really
stop the
you, wrong
number.’ I said: ‘But you said this was the Samaritans.’ And he went: ‘Yeah, the charity shop in Willesden Green. Would you like to make a donation?’
//
// Googled
The sorry,
on
my
phone. The bloke picked up and I said: ‘Hi, I just feel so bad at
I feel a duty to say that I know there are a lot of men out there who feel that they get overlooked by the fact that perhaps there isn’t the presence or awareness for men. However, I’ve never been
“A KEY POINT IN MY RECOVERY WAS INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT IT LIKE LOSING THE ANOREXIA, I STARTED SEEING IT AS GAINING MY LIFE BACK.”
✂ TEAR HERE
26
was like: ‘Mate, you wanna get
I’ve never really defined myself
that checked out.’ I wish people
that much as a bloke. I’ve always
had been like that with my mental
been
health.
feminine
and
camp
and,
actually, that was one of the things I loved about the anorexia because I was always terrified of my own sexuality.
Although I do want to use humour to engage people who feel awkward or isolated or ostracised with eating
disorders,
I
also
want
to educate people who’re lucky
felt that made me, by default,
enough to have no experience with
a bit of a pervert. Especially
it. I strongly feel that the onus
if you look in the media: Harvey
isn’t on the general public to
Weinstein,
go
pay
upskirting,
gaps—it’s
an
gender
embarrassing
out
eating
there
and
disorders,
learn I
about
honestly
gender to be. I’ve always been
think
it’s
scared of my sex drive, and that
lived
experiences
was one of the things that came
interesting enough. I just have
up in therapy: it’s okay to be
no
a man and it’s okay to have a
stand-up for nearly 10 years—so
libido.
how beautiful is it to combine the
broke
my
little
to
people to
make
lose—I’ve
with it done
two: something that’s harrowing,
// I
dignity
about
has the highest mortality rate of finger
a
couple of years ago, and everyone
any mental illness, and ravages families—and
using
humour
engage with that.
“I’VE ALWAYS BEEN FEMININE AND CAMP AND, ACTUALLY, THAT WAS ONE OF THE THINGS I LOVED ABOUT THE ANOREXIA BECAUSE I WAS ALWAYS TERRIFIED OF MY OWN SEXUALITY.”
to
DAVE CHAWNER BY KIRSTYN SMITH
Being a straight bloke, I always
27
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
✂ TEAR HERE
massively aligned with my gender,
✂ TEAR HERE
GRIEF FRAGMENTS OF
by DAVID MACKAY
I’m slouched on the wall of a graveyard, outside a basilica at the top of a mountain which overlooks Florence. I’m sitting next to Oisin, a man I met properly about a week or two ago. My feet dangle over the high wall to the ornate headstones below, and blood has gathered in them; they feel swollen and heavy. The sun is low in the sky, partially gilding the buildings of the cityscape. My phone starts vibrating in my pocket. The screen, hard to read in the sunlight, displays an alien phone number and underneath I can make out the word ‘Jamaica’ which anchors it to earth and to my parents.
// The hearse drives past us with Mum in her green cardboard coffin. I feel its magnetic pull. I am aware of a crowd of people around us, observing us,
observing
grief.
Every
action
I
make
feels
massively important. I am hyperaware of my immediate MARBLES MAGAZINE,
29 FRAGMENTS OF GRIEF BY DAVID MACKAY
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
surroundings, but any sense of
I saw my brother’s face after he
context
both
went into that ornate room to see
lost Mum and am observing myself
her plain body. The waiting room
lose Mum. I am matching up my
was
experiences to the deaths I’ve
books, placed there in a vain
witnessed in fiction and to the
attempt
fiction that is other people’s
the young. There was no adult
lives.
section.
is
A
gone.
film,
I
a
have
story,
a
scattered to
explain
character, an arc. I never thought
FRAGMENTS OF GRIEF BY DAVID MACKAY
anyone
would
die,
not
funeral, this feels in some way clichéd, a pantomime I’ve seen a thousand times before. Seeing so many others who loved Mum swells my heart and snatches breath from my lungs.
children’s death
to
//
really.
Although I have never been to a
with
I cover my face on the plane as I sit crying in relative silence next to a couple who don’t know what to do, so do nothing. My face is contorted, tight, teeth bared,
eyes
and
nose
leaking
slowly. When I meet my uncle at
//
Edinburgh airport, the floodgates burst as I see reality reflected
Oisin and I are sitting behind
in
the basilica on a slope of grass
into the Prayer Room where my
his
face.
He
shepherds
me
surrounded by trees. Occasional
brother, sister and her partner
tourists
local
churchgoers
are waiting. Grief saturates the
I
crying
and
air, dripping from the ceiling
My
and burning our cheeks with a
fingers tremble as I attempt to
salty sting. There’s an altar at
roll a cigarette between bouts
the end of the room with pews
of laughing and looking to the
on either side. Behind the altar
treetops
lies
meander
and by.
laughing
am
hysterically.
for
answers
through
a
selection
of
religious
seen
texts: the Bible, the Quran, the
stressed people smoking in films.
Torah, others I’m sure. Take your
The unreality of the situation and
pick.
subaquatic
vision.
I’ve
the ridiculous predicament Oisin
//
is in makes me laugh. ‘Whose Mum just fucking dies?’ I inquire to no one. I burst into tears again and wonder what passersby might think has happened.
The piece of information bore no relation to my environment. An absence is harder to comprehend
//
than a presence, perhaps. You’ve
I never saw Mum dead, but I saw
can’t remember where everything
something commensurate, perhaps:
used to be. You are told that
been robbed but you’re not sure what
exactly
they
took,
you
✂ TEAR HERE
30
and her necklace from her dead
then know that they are dead.
fingers and throat. They left Dad
Perhaps you can only ever slowly
standing there with no help. ‘She
feel
A
has passed,’ is all the doctor
feeling that changes every day,
says as he turns his back. No
with no indication, sudden and
attempt is made at resuscitation.
unexpected.
My mum died in the Blue Mountains
that
they
are
dead.
As we ascended the stairs to the post-funeral brother
broke
the
reception silence:
‘Imagine if Mum suddenly jumped out from behind that wall.’
stole
her
attack,
dead.
Death
is
not
a
poet. No indication, sudden and unexpected.
I
remember
telling
myself that maybe it was for the
// They
UTI, pus, blood poisoning, heart
best, a good death, it could have been worse. She died in my Dad’s wedding
ring
arms. poet.
DAVID MACKAY is an artist and picture framer living and working in Edinburgh. In 2015 he was awarded the John Kinross Scholarship by the Royal Scottish Academy to live and study in Florence. He also received the Alistair Smart Memorial Prize for his sculpture and audio installation Standing Reserve. He was invited to show work at the New Scottish Artists exhibition in London, 2016, by The Fleming-Wyfold Foundation. Last year David completed a residency in a small village in Italy, taking part in a project called The Museum of Loss and Renewal, where he embraced writing into his practice.
Death
is
not
a
fucking
FRAGMENTS OF GRIEF BY DAVID MACKAY
my
drinks
of Jamaica. Death is not a poet.
31
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
✂ TEAR HERE
someone is dead, but you do not
“I NEVER THOUGHT ANYONE WOULD DIE, NOT REALLY.”
✂ TEAR HERE
ADAM STAFFORD by DAVID POLLOCK For an artist with a 12-year history of recording albums both under his own name and at the head of his own band Y’All is Fantasy Island, and whose short documentary films have won awards at the San Francisco International Film Festival, Palm Springs Film
Festival
and
Brazil’s
Belo
Horizonte
Film
Festival (all for 2009’s The Shutdown, created with writer and fellow Falkirk native Alan Bissett), it seems fair to say that Adam Stafford’s latest work is his most personal yet. The
double
released
this
album May,
Fire a
Behind
largely
the
Curtain
instrumental
is
work
inspired by the minimalist compositions of Steve Reich, Meredith Monk and Ingram Marshall. Written over the past eight years of Stafford’s life, it’s also what the press release describes as a ‘personal exorcism and a testimony of (his) internal struggle with anxiety and severe depression’. Although the songs are largely instrumental mood pieces, they all
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
33 ADAM STAFFORD BY DAVID POLLOCK
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
have their own stories, and the
of the illness, and it was done
biographical details behind them
really
are areas which Stafford is happy
was written in maybe a month and
to discuss.
a half.’
quickly—the
whole
disc
ADAM STAFFORD BY DAVID POLLOCK
‘I’d say I’ve definitely had
As a package, the album is a
depression since I was about 13,
powerful, evocative listen, but
maybe even earlier than that,’ he
there’s
says. ‘I was severely dyslexic
tone between the lighter, string-
throughout school, and I think
filled
the fact that I was struggling
intensity of the second. ‘There
and couldn’t even write my own
have
name until I was about ten—my
elements to my music in the past,
arithmetic was really bad, too—
but this time it’s more detailed,
meant I had quite a disruptive
more
childhood.
definitely first
a
shift
record
always
been
constructed,
and
in the
disturbing
it
has
more
ADHD
dissonant, atonal elements,’ says
regular
Stafford. ‘There’s a song called
problems when I was a kid, which
“Penshaw Monument”, which is like
all coalesced when I became a
a ritual chant for ten minutes,
teenager. I would say from that
it gets more extreme and more
point on, depression has always
extreme. To me, the process of
been lurking in the background.’
that kind of performance is like
and,
you
In
I
also
know,
tracing
over
recent
maps
the
had
just
Stafford’s years,
the
mood album
a purging, like an exorcism.’ Through
his
titles
Stafford
severely
also explores other areas, for
depressive episode. ‘All of the
example misogyny dressed up as
first disc was written while I
pious
morality
on
was trying to sort things out in
Hunt’
or
masculinity
my late 20s and early 30s,’ says
‘Museum of Grinding Dicks’.
the
path
of
a
now-36-year-old,
‘trying
to figure out what direction I wanted my life to go in. Not just speaking musically, but in terms of whether I wanted to raise a family and have children, or what I wanted to continue doing for the rest of my life [he’s now a father]. Then, in 2016, I had a really bad depressive episode— it
frightened
my
friends
and
toxic
‘The
Witch on
‘Looking back to when I was a teenager and thinking about the males I grew up with, I realise what a toxic culture we all were part of,’ he says. ‘I guess it comes back round to trying to sort things out in the mind, to make sense of what your opinions are and how you reached them.’ ‘Creativity
family, to be honest—and then,
conversation
just
is with
like my
a
mental
the
health,’ he continues. ‘I find it
second disc to the album. It was
cathartic, in fact I wish I was
an extreme reaction on the back
doing it all the time. I don’t
after
that,
I
wrote
✂ TEAR HERE
34
35
it certainly takes my attention away from wallowing in a dark mood.
I’m
having
much
completed
happier this
for
record,
and I think it’s testament to the fact you can become pretty ill and still manage to come up with something creative. A lot of you think, “I can’t achieve that” or “what’s the point in trying to
achieve
it’s
anything?”
recorded
and
But
now
pressed
and
going to be released, and for me it’s a really big deal that I’ve gone through that and I’ve made something at the end of it.’
// Fire Behind the Curtain by Adam Stafford was released via Song, By Toad Records on May 4th.
DAVID POLLOCK is an arts, music and feature writer from Edinburgh. He writes for The List, The Scotsman, The Independent, The Guardian, Mixmag, The Big Issue and many other titles, and has discussed music and other subjects on BBC Radio Scotland. @thelatedave
ADAM STAFFORD BY DAVID POLLOCK
the time when you have depression
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
✂ TEAR HERE
know if it’s a distraction, but
✂ TEAR HERE
THE PRICE OF SALT
by ELEANOR REID
SHADES OF COOL Full
disclosure:
I’m
writing
this
essay
while
listening to Lana del Rey’s Ultraviolence on an Urban Outfitters’ vinyl, and that’s very much an appropriate starting point for the issue at hand. By this point in my life, I’ve learned to take del Rey with a pinch of salt. I openly enjoy her music, but I have a good sense of humour about how ridiculous she can be and I know she’s ultimately problematic. Del Rey is just one of many ‘Sad Girls’ who are important to me, because it’s always reassuring to find someone who seems to struggle with their sadness too. But I didn’t always take things like lyrics with the pinch of salt that I do now and I can’t help but feel she’s one of many powerful figures playing into a trend. I have a problem with Lana del Rey, and that problem is reflective of something much deeper. I’m addicted to being a Sad Girl™, and though I joke about it, the scarring impact on my life has been very real and tangible in
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
37 THE PRICE OF SALT BY ELEANOR REID
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
the form of a lingering self harm
represented as doing; they were
problem and a massively delayed
trying to work through it.
recovery from several depressive
THE SAD NET™
episodes. I’m not blaming this on del Rey.
My
worship
of
other
Sad
Girls all began long before Born to Die even hit my black iPod Nano in 2012. But Lana is one
THE PRICE OF SALT BY ELEANOR REID
of many who cleverly manipulate a trend to make money. When you break it down, her lyrics have (on
average)
told
young
women
with mental illnesses that it’s attractive to want to die and encourage
them
to
hold
on
to
their sadness.
Sad
Net™
is
not
a
new
phenomenon. I’ve been hooked for over a decade. In my teen days, while my friends were Googling other
worrying
things
like
‘thinspiration’, 15-year-old me was looking into cutting trends and
enviously
pictures covered
of in
appreciating
pretty scars
teenagers
and
tattooed
with Paramore quotes. They all looked the way I felt (probably emo, tragic, clever, depressed,
My first Sad Girl crush was Sylvia
The
Plath.
Plath
should
be
empty) but with the addition of being beautiful. With my low self
everyone’s first Sad Girl crush
confidence
if
it
was
so
easy
to
right.
look at these others and decide
However, she (perhaps unlike del
to emulate the ways in which, I
Rey, though I can’t back this up)
believed,
had an actual mental illness to
sadness attractive.
they’re
doing
it
deal with. I blame the internet for making Plath a stereotypical Sad
Girl
(the
greatest
internet—whose
tragedy
is
perhaps
misquoting and decontextualising mentally fans,
ill
artists).
myself
among
glorified
words
who
about
wrote
(for
example,
Interrupted
Online
them,
from
have
others
suffering
author
of
Susanna
too
Girl,
Kaysen,
playwright Sarah Kane, Virginia Woolf
and
Kate
marketers
have
interest
tenfold.
Chopin)
jumped
on
But
and this fans
like me need to remember that these
women
weren’t
praising
mental illnesses or encouraging it in they way they are often
they
had
made
their
I’ve found what could be called ‘Sad Circles’ on Bebo, Myspace, Tumblr,
Twitter,
Instagram, shops
and
like
Facebook,
even
in
Redbubble,
online Amazon,
Etsy and Urban Outfitters. I find it hard to believe that it hasn’t been turned into a marketing scam when you can so easily buy black heart-shaped say
‘SAD’
For
many
pins and
of
the
that
nothing same
simply else. reasons
I’m always wary about the empty commercialisation
of
feminism,
it’s important to ask who the people making money from these sales are. There’s a line between self
expression
of
mental
✂ TEAR HERE
38
avoided by comedies; bisexuality,
commercialisation
BPD,
of
it.
Young
surrogacy
me found it, and bought into it
suicide,
completely.
More
In
2016,
I
went
through
counselling for my idealisation of death and sadness. It doesn’t even
take
the
full
hour-long
first session with someone new main thing slowing my recovery. It’s
been
called
addiction.
I
an
aesthetic
sometimes
think
masculinity.
interestingly,
it
does
this through music and humour. A standout song has to be ‘I’m in a Sexy French Depression’, which straight up parodies the Sad Girl aesthetic. Humour can be healing, and Crazy Ex responsibly goes on to show that the character needs help and depicts how recovery can be a rollercoaster.
‘being sad’ is what makes me me.
The marketing and commercial-
And how could I ever let go of
isations of fashionable despair
who I am? I’ve learned that I’m
hurts
part of the problem too, when I
(and presumably everyone else),
promote it as trendy. In March
and the romanticisation of de-
2018, I still search for ways
pression as an enviable ‘look’
to justify the thread of hope
is the reason I first decided to
I have holding on to my ‘cool’
self harm. Even now, I need to
depressive attitude. My logical
keep
side can’t find many.
out for better representation. I
REPRESENTING SAD
know I can’t fully avoid bad rep-
Representations
of
importantly
still
do
need
songs,
poetry
and
overwhelmed with depression. But we don’t need the encouragement to click on an advertisement and consume it as a fashion trend. also
definitely
don’t
to
look
member the taxing price of doing otherwise.
how
online discussion about becoming
We
myself
with that pinch of salt, and re-
we represent and consume them. We
reminding
girls
to remind myself to take things
mental is
vulnerable
resentation yet, so I also need
illnesses are so important, but more
young
need
#PrettyWhenYouCry hashtags. I think Crazy Ex Girlfriend has some very good representation. It cleverly tackles things usually
ELEANOR REID is an Irish writer and journalist now working in the UK publishing industry as an editor. She has a particular interest in LGBT writing, mental health issues and feminist publishing. She’s recently been featured in Monstrous Regiment’s The Bi-ble: Anthology of Bisexual Essays, and in Motley Magazine. She spends her time tackling bi erasure and discussing feminist approaches to literature. She is based in Edinburgh.
THE PRICE OF SALT BY ELEANOR REID
for them to discover it as the
toxic
39
hormones, MARBLES MAGAZINE,
✂ TEAR HERE
illness and the glorification or
✂ TEAR HERE
THERE’S A GREMLIN IN MY STOMACH ANTHROPOMORPHISING PHYSICAL ILLNESS by JO MARJORIBANKS
Anthropomorphising—the
act
of
ascribing
human
characteristics to non-human entities—is such an integral part of our lives that we barely notice we’re doing it. We refer to menacing rain clouds, temperamental
technology
and
stubborn
colds
in
the same way we would describe a person as being irritating and obstinate. It doesn’t matter that these things are not sentient and can’t actually exhibit the emotions and motives we attribute to them. The act of referring to them in those terms makes them more relatable and easier to integrate into everyday conversation. For
example,
remarking
that
‘the
sky
looks
menacing’ is far more likely to build a rapport with someone than commenting on ‘the dense formation of cumulonimbus clouds’. Both statements essentially mean the same thing, but the way they’re expressed determines how the person hearing them responds. It’s no secret to people who live with mental and physical illness that the language used to describe these conditions has a direct effect on the way
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
41 THERE’S A GREMLIN IN MY STOMACH BY JO MARJORIBANKS
they
are
perceived
by
others.
My gremlin and I do not get
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
Even for those with a willingness
along.
to learn more and offer support,
I am either in relatively mild
medical
discomfort
jargon
and
societal
Depending or
on
bent
his
mood,
double
in
an
agony. I do my best not to anger
environment that prohibits open
him, but he’s very unreasonable.
discussion and understanding.
Recently,
preconceptions
often
create
I’ve lived with poor physical health
for
over
half
my
life
THERE’S A GREMLIN IN MY STOMACH BY JO MARJORIBANKS
and, although I’ve accepted my condition is chronic and unlikely to
improve,
provoke
it
anxiety
continues and
depression
that
rob
motivation
and
hopes
bouts me
of
for
to of my the
future.
at
a
bra
fitting
appointment, I was told that the bras I currently wear are too big and was given one in the correct size to try on. Despite the fact that it was a much better fit and supported me properly, the gremlin reacted as though I had donned a straightjacket and gave me no choice but to accept the bigger size. (To be honest, he
At this point, I could begin a
would prefer I wore no bras at
lengthy explanation filled with
all, but I’m stubbornly refusing
medical terminology and a long
to make that concession).
list of symptoms to explain my diagnosis, but instead I’m going to say this: I have a gremlin in my stomach. I don’t mean the cute, cuddly ones that make adorable noises. I mean the nasty, evil creatures with sharp teeth and nefarious plans.
I left the appointment feeling frustrated, than
a
defeated,
little
angry.
and
more
To
make
myself feel better, I wrote an imaginary
exchange
between
the
gremlin and I in which we argued loudly in the middle of the M&S lingerie
department
in
front
“CONSIDERING I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT MY HEALTH WITH MY DOCTORS IN STRICTLY MEDICAL TERMS...”
✂ TEAR HERE
42
painfully honest terms. On those
the bra fitter. I sent it to my
days,
friend and we both laughed about
anxiety and a profound feeling
my grumpy gremlin.
of
Anthropomorphising my illness in this way allows me to take ownership
of
my
condition
and
poke fun at it on my own terms. Having
seen
the
state
of
my
camera, I much prefer the image of my gremlin stomping his feet and cackling to himself than the reality of what’s going on in there. Considering I have to talk about my health with my doctors
experience
hopelessness
43
terrible
that
things
will continue to get worse and adversely affect my future. But then I feel a sharp pain in my stomach and imagine the gremlin’s annoyance at being ignored, and I chuckle to myself. Living with a chronic illness can make me feel weak and powerless, so whatever I can do to take some of that power back is worth doing, even if it means imagining there’s a little monster living inside me.
in strictly medical terms, it’s a relief to be able to discuss it in a more humorous way with my friends and family. Telling them that the gremlin is practising his drumming is much easier and more
light-hearted
than
saying
that my stomach is very painful. There
are
some
days
when
I
don’t feel able to make light of the situation and find myself discussing my health in stark,
JO MARIJOBANKS is an editor and writer who lives in West Lothian with her gremlin and a growing collection of Star Trek memorabilia. Her short story, ‘What Remains’, was featured in the Almond Press anthology, Apocalypse Chronicles. You can find her tweeting about books, writing, mental health and random geeky things. @JoMarjoribanks.
“...IT’S A RELIEF TO BE ABLE TO DISCUSS IT IN A MORE HUMOROUS WAY WITH MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY.”
THERE’S A GREMLIN IN MY STOMACH BY JO MARJORIBANKS
digestive system via an endoscope
I
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
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of curious onlookers and Janet
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I WROTE MY WAY OUT by JONATHA KOTTLER
I was lying in my bed, face hot and wet with tears, another long night of no sleep. Third? Fourth? I watched TV shows on Netflix on my iPad, nodding off for two minutes, three, waking up to the sound of my husband’s snoring. Repeat all night. I could wake him up, and we could talk, hissed whispers so we didn’t wake up our teenaged son, with whom we shared a bedroom wall in the tiny flat in Amsterdam. But the conversation, too, would fall into its rut. ‘I hate it here, I wish I’d never moved’ (me) ‘I know. I’m sorry. I have to work in five hours’ (him). There was nothing unsaid (except everything) and he couldn’t lose this job from showing up exhausted, so eventually I would just let him sleep and suffer alone. We had moved for a huge adventure and instead of being a partner in it, I was a broken wreck—so depressed that raising my head felt like a day’s worth of effort and nothing had prepared either of us for this.
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
45 I WROTE MY WAY OUT BY JONATHA KOTTLER
MARBLES MAGAZINE, I WROTE MY WAY OUT BY JONATHA KOTTLER
I
One day after months of this I
hate it. I would like to die.
saw a copy of Natalie Goldberg’s
Buffy’s vampire adventures were
Writing Down the Bones in the
loud enough to drown out my toxic
public library. I read it and
refrain. I marked each hour as
remembered
the Westertoren clock struck—the
simple act of filling a notebook
same one whose bells Anne Frank
with my own words. I bought a new
writes
about
hearing
her
notebook and it was beautiful to
hiding
place.
Anne
My
me. I bought a pen. I read some
mind sought parallels and then
internet article that said Jerry
that gave me something else to
Seinfeld used to make an X on
hate
was,
the calendar every day that he
free, and able to do whatever I
wrote, as motivation. He didn’t
wanted to and I still felt like
want to break the chain of Xs. I
a prisoner. What a stupid idiot
wanted something more physically
I was.
real, so I took that notebook
This
was
about
We
moved
our
very
a
huge
mistake.
from
Frank?!
myself—here
to
I
Amsterdam
stable
from
middle-class
American life—two cars, a house, two jobs. I was a busy lecturer and community volunteer, but we had always wanted to live abroad, and when the job came up for my husband we could hardly believe it,
so
we
jumped.
My
husband
landed into an interesting and challenging looked
job
around,
and and
I
landed,
realised
I
wanted to go home.
The
and pen, and free wrote for a few minutes one day. After a few days I grabbed some paper clips. I chained them together, one clip for each day of writing, until with my pen and my notebook I forged a chain that linked me to the world, and to myself. I kept showing up to my notebook, and I wasn’t willing to let that chain break because it represented so much more than a string of words. I began to post mysterious images
burning
number (18, 47, 153). Eventually
with
I began what turned into a novel
as
when a question occurred to me
if I wasn’t depressed, denying
out of the blue. My chain got
even using the word in my own
longer, I slept every three days,
mind much less aloud, much less
two, every night. I needed a new
in a sentence calling for help.
notebook. And then another.
exhaustion,
Me
writing.
on Facebook—paper clip chain and a
My son and I spent the days together.
free
trying
to
act
He would go to see friends and perform in improv classes and I would spend the time he was gone crying and then trying to make my face look normal before he got home.
I
do
not
recommend
this
to
anyone. Please get help. Don’t be afraid of being labelled. Don’t be afraid that a doctor would just laugh at your pain as I was.
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46
made this mistake. But somehow I survived that time. I wrote my way out, one day at a time, and when, finally, the chain was ungainly
after
more
than
two
hundred seventy days, I missed a
day.
But
it
didn’t
matter
any more. They had served their And
my
own
writing,
aside from money or publication, very literally saved my life.
“PLEASE GET HELP. DON’T BE AFRAID OF BEING LABELLED. DON’T BE AFRAID THAT A DOCTOR WOULD JUST LAUGH AT YOUR PAIN AS I WAS. GET A BETTER FUCKING DOCTOR.”
I WROTE MY WAY OUT BY JONATHA KOTTLER
purpose.
JONATHA KOTTLER is an Edinburgh-based American writer and educator. She currently facilitates a reading and writing group for people with disabilities for the charity ECAS. Her work has appeared in Nasty Women, and in publications including The Ogilvie, The Guardian, and NY Magazine’s The Cut. @jonatha_kottler.
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
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47
Get a better fucking doctor. I
✂ TEAR HERE
KZNHD
ANXIETY AT THE OPTICIAN by LAURA WADDELL
KZNHD
I am early. I want to use the extra time to try on glasses before my vision test, because I need all the time I can get. The receptionist wants to know when my appointment is, calls me over, says ‘fill in this form.’ There are pre-tests before the test. I rest my chin. I look at a static air balloon floating in an illustrated blue sky. Air blows into my eyes in short gusts. There is no time before I am ushered into the optician’s room and the door clicks closed.
DSHCN
It is a small room, with a gentle hum. We are in close proximity, the optician and I. Will it be awkward, when we sit knees together on either side of the lenses? He fiddles with equipment while I sit weighing up what might be normal conversation for such a situation. The optician is a middle aged man with a pen in his pocket. He is professionally MARBLES MAGAZINE,
49 KZNHD BY LAURA WADDELL
superior to the pre-testers, who
What if I give a false impression
were all women. Will he find me
of
attractive?
are
I
brisk
my
small
my
vision?
slightly
If
the
lenses
off,
will
I
get
MARBLES MAGAZINE, KZNHD BY LAURA WADDELL
talk. This stranger looks closely
headaches? For all the implements
into my eyes with a light. I hold
in the room, it’s all down to me
my breath so as not to breathe
and the order of tiny letters. I
on his face. It is there, right
balance on the line before the
there.
alphabet starts to dip and dance.
RSNKR
I can hear myself breathing, and
The lenses are ready. The chart
swallow,
loudly.
is lit. First the left eye, then
I
the
the right. Jacket sleeves rustle
but only just. What if I’m just
near my ears when slipping a new
guessing, and my guess is right?
disc
I can’t tell.
into
the
slot.
I
the beat of my heart against my chest. I am inside a warm shell, with
recall
temptation to bite the dentist’s
sound
think
reverberating Left.
Left
is
as
I
Right. clearer,
entered my mouth. My neck is at an
KZYHD
awkward angle. My fingertips are
He
numb, tucked beneath my thighs.
I feel the letters of the last
HDOCN
line on the screen curling on my
plastic sheathed finger when it
I
focus
on
the
test
reads
out
my
prescription.
tongue, the letters I offered up for numbers on a card.
ahead.
I
want to do the best I can at
KJPOR
identifying small letters. Red.
Everyone else waiting seems like
Green. Red. Green. Green. Gold star. I am longsighted. Once I read cats are too, which appealed to my vanity. I entered a glasses wearer of the year competition, but
did
not
hear
back.
But
I
also want to prove I am not a fraud. I need glasses, even if my prescription is mild. I have reason to be here.
ZHSKH
a
regular.
I’m
an
interloper.
They know how to behave in this environment;
it’s
natural
to
them. I’m a fish out of water, flopping my gills, oddly. I pick up
a
pair
of
glasses
from
a
rack and approach a mirror, but as soon as I catch sight of my face, I look away, reflectively disgusted. natural
A and
combination electric
of
light
brightly illuminates my awkward expression. I want to look sexy.
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50
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I want to look businesslike. I
51
want to look learned. I want to look cool. My skin disgusts me. light head. A drip of sweat runs down my back. Other browsers are too close for me to concentrate. Others waiting on chairs look in my direction while I try a pair
LENSES
ARE
A
ridiculous
choice.
Freakish.
I narrow down to three pairs. I try them on, one after the other, swapping them in and out of the circle. I can’t decide. A B C. 1 2 3. I’m stuck in a loop. I ask the assistant to note down their serial numbers. I have to go. I have something to do. I’ll come back soon.
READY.
THE CHART
IS
LIT.
LAURA WADDELL is a publisher and writer based in Glasgow. She sits on the board of Scottish PEN and Gutter magazine and her writing has appeared in publications including McSweeneys, 3:AM Magazine, The Guardian, The Pool, The List, The Skinny and the books Nasty Women, Know Your Place and The Digital Critic.
KZNHD BY LAURA WADDELL
THE
which do not suit my face at all.
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
My breath is quick and hot in a
✂ TEAR HERE
MAD & BAD
by LILITH COOPER
Between the period of 2012 and 2014, I was charged and convicted of four separate incidents of arson. The offences were closely tied to my mental health— after the first incident, I was detained under the mental health act and diagnosed with schizophrenia. Though my sentences varied, they always included some element of supervision by probation services and compliance with mental health treatment. I was lucky: because there was a clear causal relationship between my mental health and my offending, because I was of ‘previous good character’, because I was white, because I was middle class, I never went to prison. The
ways
we
treat
offenders
and
ex-offenders
disproportionately affects people with mental health challenges. We cannot have a conversation about MARBLES MAGAZINE,
53 MAD & BAD BY LILITH COOPER
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
mental health without addressing
is that while your mental health
our criminal justice system at
challenges may not bar you from
all levels—from the stigma faced
the role, their impact on your
by
life, on your employment history,
ex-offenders
in
employment,
to how mental health is treated
education,
in the prison system—and to do
criminal record, will. I often
so
excludes
fall at this last hurdle when HR
of
people
a with
huge
proportion
mental
health
MAD & BAD BY LILITH COOPER
People
with
conditions
are
victims
than
or
your
withdraws my offer of employment after a risk assessment I am not
challenges.
be
housing,
of
mental more
health
likely
violent
perpetrators.
to
even party to. My peers can and do fall at any stage. I moved to Edinburgh in April
crime
Campaigns
last
year
and
was
offered
a
have worked hard to sever the
support worker role. In Scotland,
link between mental health and
membership of the PVG (Protecting
crime in the public perception.
Vulnerable
‘Strange Voices Made Her Do It’
required for anyone undertaking
wasn’t exactly a headline that
work
was going to help the cause. But,
Several
in working so hard to cut that
I was sent a letter informing
link, many campaigns have left
me
people like me—and the issues we
‘consideration
face—invisible.
This
Meaningful
employment
is
indicated in recovery outcomes, social inclusion and wellbeing. But, there is a social stigma and structural discrimination around mental
health
challenges
and
having a criminal record which can make this impossible. When
employers
say
Groups)
with
I
vulnerable
weeks was
meant
scheme
after
being
adults. applying,
placed
for
that
is
under
listing’.
the
Scottish
Ministers would have to decide whether I was to be barred from working with vulnerable adults. I made representations and provided the requested evidence. This was nine months ago, and I am still yet to hear the outcome. In both the PVG system (in Scotland) and the DBS (Disclosure and Barring
they
Service)
system
welcome applications from people
you
regularly
with experience of mental health
draw on resources and privilege
challenges, what this often means
that many of my peers don’t have
are
(in
England),
required
to
✂ TEAR HERE
54
myself. When I was in court the first time, the judge referred
evidence from a GP or an employer,
to my ‘previous good character’.
understand
Can I ever be ‘good’ again?
to—the
ability
complex
to
processes,
engage in legal discourse, and tolerate all the emotional and financial uncertainty. Some
people they
people
commit
control. It is a story we tell crimes
that props up our systems, and
some
power structures decide who falls
because
one side of it and then the other.
commit are
‘bad’,
crimes
While we continue to perpetuate
they are ‘mad’. When
you
acceptable the be
are role
penitent forever
chances
‘mad’, to
sinner: grateful
given
me,
the
play
is
I
to
am
for
and
the
silent
about the ways I or others have been
failed
by
mental
health
the binary between bad and mad— between those who need care and those who need punishment—we fail the most vulnerable members of our community. People with mental health
challenges
continue
to
die in prisons.
services or the criminal justice
Criminal justice is a mental
system. In the midst of the PVG
health issue, and none of us is
process, I sometimes wonder if
free if one of us is chained.
I am being punished for every joke
or
flippant
remark
about
my history of offending or for feeling
anything
other
than
shame and contrition. It is not as simple as being a victim of this binary: I too am responsible for perpetuating notions of ‘mad’ and ‘bad’ when doing so reduces the stigma and social exclusion I experience as an ex-offender. Whether mad or bad, in violating the
social
contract
I
became
less than a full citizen. I will always have to prove or explain
LILITH COOPER is currently based in Edinburgh, where they co-run the Edinburgh Zine Library and scrape a living waiting for their PVG. They qualified as a Peer Support Worker in 2016, and graduated from the Open University the same year. They can normally be found talking or writing about cycling, mental health and criminal justice, peer support, zines and zine libraries, DIY culture and non-binary gender identity.
MAD & BAD BY LILITH COOPER
because
‘Mad/bad’ has a long history as a tool of oppression and social
55
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
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make
written representations, provide
access
✂ TEAR HERE
LILY ASCH
interview by KIRSTYN SMITH
Lily
Asch
is
a
storytelling
apprentice
and
the
Director of Real Talk, a workshop programme that encourages storytelling for mental wellbeing through real people, real stories and real talk.
// The beginning of Real Talk and the beginning of my mental health experiences are a separate thing. I was institutionalised when I was 14, so I have lived experience of mental illness. As a young person, I went to an hour-long psychologist appointment and, at the time, was self-harming and had ideas of death. And that was enough for this practitioner, who said: ‘Actually, I think you’re a big enough risk to yourself,’ so I got taken to the emergency room, brought to a psych ward and spent a week there. There was a lot of dissociation happening. The whole reason I had to go to see a psychologist was because my parents were getting divorced. In the
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
57 LILY ASCH BY KIRSTYN SMITH
US
we’re
courts
quite
get
litigious,
involved
in
and so it was actually required. MARBLES MAGAZINE,
I
think
bit,
I’d
and
been
it’s
suffering
still
hard
a
for
me to wrap my head around where I was at at that point, but it was going unnoticed. It was only because of this external thing
LILY ASCH BY KIRSTYN SMITH
that it really got picked up and recognised,
and,
in
//
the
stuff,
hindsight,
blown out of proportion. I hadn’t had any other treatment and then it was: ‘Bam! Send her to a psych
I took two years out before coming to
anyone what the story was. The only people who knew I’d spent time
in
really
a
psych
close
ward
were
friends.
I
my
told
everyone else I had swine flu. It was the swine flu time, so it was the perfect excuse. In many ways, I was running
‘traumatising’,
but
it
was.
There were 25 kids thrown into a space that was just two hallways. I went outside for a total of 30 minutes in the seven days I there.
The
treatment
that
was happening there was mostly medication and group therapy. It didn’t seem to have a purpose to it—no-one
really
told
me
what
was happening. As a minor being treated, you lose a lot of your agency,
particularly
when
it’s
so clinicalised. I ended up getting a lot worse I
came
out,
because
my
parents were going through their own stuff and didn’t really know how to help. I ended up on really high doses of mood stablisers and was in CBT for about four years, doesn’t
from
everything.
I
was
like: ‘Move halfway across the
I shy away from using the word
which
Edinburgh.
through this, I wasn’t telling
away
//
after
in
During the whole time I was going
ward.’
was
university
really
make
any
sense, because CBT is normally a short-term intervention.
world. I’m free to find myself!’ It was super empowering and I really got to tell my own story, whatever that meant. In my second year
at
uni
I
got
involved
with TEDX at the University of Edinburgh; I’d always seen Ted Talks and wanted to do one. I didn’t
think
I
was
going
to
speak about mental health, but I realised my expertise was in my lived experience. It was a process, because once I started to crack the talk, I had far more conversations about it. That was when the idea for Real Talk started to come to my mind. Once I’d gone through the whole thing and realised how powerful it was for me and how it changed the way I interacted with people, I wondered why we don’t have more spaces that we actively dedicate to
having
conversations
about
mental health. I reached out to a professional
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58
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59
ARTICLE TITLE BY AUTHOR
illustrated by TERRI PO
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
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60
LILY ASCH BY KIRSTYN SMITH
storyteller
and
we
created
a
hopeful that we can get to a point
process where we delivered two
where
workshops for anyone who wanted
the role that our mental health
to come through and we’d teach
plays in everyone’s lives, not
them how to craft their story.
just mental ill health, but the
Then I facilitated an event at
idea that we all have brains and
the end where people who’d worked
we all experience stress in life,
on their stories could then share
and that’s just a part of being
it
on this earth.
with
an
audience.
So
that
we’re
became the first Real Talk.
able
to
recognise
//
//
I think people are more motivated
We feel as though if we speak
now, because we are having more
about mental health someone might
of
respond badly to it or judge us,
are beginning to recognise that
or walk away and call us crazy.
we’re not alone in it and that
But
we can connect and support each
I
think
we’re
at
a
point
in society now where there are many movements happening around stigma reduction and visibility and starting conversations. I’m
these
conversations
other.
//
and
we
not
just
people
people to get into dialogue about
sharing
that and to find a community, and
their story, we have an informal
to realise that, actually, we’re
question
all a bit wild.
and
answer
session
between the audience members and the speakers, so it’s a really dynamic
space
for
us
to
be
curious about people’s recovery journey
and
about
self-care,
and to be able to ask questions without feeling afraid. The
Mental
I’m
so
passionate
people power over the language they use about their experience. Having
been
clinically
treated
myself, I know that a lot of the time you use words that aren’t yours. There’s a lot of language
Work
that, in order to get treatment,
report came out last year and
you have to mould yourself into.
it
There’s so much out there that
had
some
statistics to
take
Health
at
really
about
time
harrowing
people
support
people’s
positive
mental
is obviously totally valid, but
that’s
because it’s not being properly
knitting,
handled in the workplace, people
that’s
don’t feel like they can be honest
about realising you have agency
about what’s going on. It’s quite
over how you tell your story.
a scary thing. Because of stigma,
That’s a really powerful thing.
we
that
For the people listening, it’s
people who are mentally unwell
a greater insight into busting
are in straight jackets in an
that myth that people with mental
asylum in the 1920s. But so many
ill health are a bunch of sad
people who’ve experienced mental
people in a chair, crying about
illness function and hold down
what’s happening. No, these are
jobs and run incredible projects
people who are standing up and
and are really motivated by what
saying: ‘This is what I’ve been
they’ve been through.
through and I’m fucking trying.
this
work,
can
which
have
off
having
perception
// you’re
meds, or
fine.
and
whether
talking
therapy,
going
on
There’s
a
run,
something
It’s been shit, but I’m making it work. I’m fighting it.’
Everyone has a story to share. Whether
health,
going
through
//
something, or supporting someone
Find out more about Real Talk,
else.
The
stories
supporting
people
important
too,
something
we’re
of
people
including upcoming events and how
are
really
to sign up to share your story,
that’s
at realtalkproject.org
and
starting
to
recognise a lot. I really want
LILY ASCH BY KIRSTYN SMITH
about medication, about the NHS,
Something
about what Real Talk does is giving
61
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
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The events are really special. It’s
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HEALTHY (BUT NOT AT THIS SIZE) by LOLA KEELEY There
are
rules
I’ve
created
for
myself.
Rules
about being ‘a big girl’ in public. Always order one course or one dish less than everyone else at the table. Soft drinks? Always diet, no matter how insipid. Always take the sturdiest seat on offer, furthest from the part where people need to pass by. The little negotiations—where to sit on the bus, how to avoid glares in the departure lounge from people worried you might be sitting next to them on the flight, the barely-disguised sneers and raking glances that scream disgust without a word needing to be spoken. The yells from passing traffic, the insulting form of catcalling that’s just as invasive and uninvited. What
comfort,
positivity
then,
movement.
to
Or
be
its
found better
in
the
body
incarnation,
the fat acceptance movement. While body positivity has been hijacked by people saying it hurts to be called slim, fat acceptance is more about beauty and inclusion at every weight. That means it doesn’t stop at size 16, as most of the high street would have you believe.
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
63 HEALTHY (BUT NOT AT THIS SIZE) BY LOLA KEELEY
like
to
step
more. If that continues not to
away from to protect your mental
be enough on my part, there are
health,
surgical options.
None
of
something
that you’d
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
and
sounds have
yet
to
that’s
the
strange position I find myself in.
diet.
need
to
exercise
This is where the intersection of
Health at any size is the key
I
physical
turns
and
into
mental
health
something
of
a
HEALTHY (BUT NOT AT THIS SIZE) BY LOLA KEELEY
fantastic
collision. As you may have gleaned
medical
from the opening paragraph about
profession, that their insistence
my rules, I experience anxiety,
on
particularly
message. polemics
There
are
about
blaming
the
every
ailment
on
about
public
weight has done far more harm
perception of my size. Add to
than good. Obesity is linked to
that constant thrum of tension
just about every health issue,
the irrational fear that I’ll be
even though correlation does not
betraying my friends, my sisters,
actually
my team, by accepting defeat and
equate
to
causation. erupted
starting to diet? The guilt is
over Cancer Research’s campaign,
overwhelming, and ramps anxiety
citing
obesity
levels up to nearly debilitating.
cancer.
When
Most
recently,
debate as
a
cause
comedian
of
Sofie
Hagen spoke out about their fatshaming, online war was all but declared.
Not
that
expects
my
that
anything
rational I
other
mind
would than
get
support
from the community that has been
This time I found it harder
a
safe
haven
and
therapeutic
to side with the fat acceptance
buffer. While they might rebel
argument. I’m as heavy as I’ve
against
ever been in my life, and despite
false
my perfect cholesterol levels and
thinness, the key tenet of fat
being nowhere near at risk for
acceptance
diabetes, I am starting to suffer
Of being yourself, in your own
health issues that no amount of
skin, however much of it there
denial
might be.
or
reinterpretation
can
attribute to anything other than simple physics. My knees, ankles, and lower back are all showing wear
and
tear
from
carrying
around a load far greater than they were intended to. Which means I need to do what
diet
promises is
culture of
and
the
aspirational
personal
choice.
Still, my own paranoia makes it feel personal. Like giving in here is tantamount to attacking the
very
advocated
movement my
right
that to
has
exist,
to be treated fairly by public bodies
and
companies
alike.
I
the fat positive advocates have
reach for the scales and feel
been telling me isn’t necessary
like I should offer an apology
for health or happiness: I need
every time.
✂ TEAR HERE
64
of
reconciling
means
accepted
my
my
accepting, fatness,
new as
that
I to
Then when I find my healthier ache
and
my
blood
pressure
doesn’t creep up, I can rejoin
of pain, I need to make these
the
changes. Remembering that I won’t
so
judge or think less of anyone not
insulating my thoughts from what
taking the same steps as I am.
feels
That even if I lose some weight,
I think that sounds a lot like
I’ll never be back within that
looking after myself.
movement much. like
For
that’s now,
helped it’s
conflicting
advice.
arbitrary BMI range that society above
all
other
health
indicators. So
when
a
watery
slimming
shake makes me want to cry, or the weekly weigh-in has me on the verge of a panic attack, the new challenge is to find some selfsoothing
mechanism.
To
find
a
way to be positive about myself and my body, even when the inner voice is shouting me down and calling me out as a traitor.
me
just
LOLA KEELEY is a writer and coder. After moving to London to pursue her love of theatre, she later wound up living every five year old’s dream of being a train driver on the London Underground. She has since emerged, blinking into the sunlight, to find herself writing books. She now lives in Edinburgh, Scotland, with her wife and three cats. Her first novel, The Music and the Mirror, has just been published by Ylva.
“I NEED TO DO WHAT THE FAT POSITIVE ADVOCATES HAVE BEEN TELLING ME ISN’T NECESSARY FOR HEALTH OR HAPPINESS...”
HEALTHY (BUT NOT AT THIS SIZE) BY LOLA KEELEY
retain my mobility and be free
prizes
65
size, the one where joints don’t MARBLES MAGAZINE,
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Part reality
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ATTITUDES ARE THE REAL DISABILITY by RICKY MONAHAN BROWN
Three months after my stroke, a speech therapist comes to the flat to check what help she can offer. She asks me to pick a book off the bookshelf to do a reading test. That’s not entirely advisable, so I glide past Irvine Welsh’s Trainspotting and James Kelman’s How Late It Was, How Late and alight on Christopher Brookmyre’s Quite Ugly One Morning. That’s probably a safer bet. Right? ‘That looks interesting,’ she says. ‘Can you read me the first page?’ ‘Are you sure about that?’ I ask, indicating the opening two words. They convey both blasphemy and Anglo-Saxon vulgarity with impressive economy. It’s a bit much, so I flick through some pages until we reach a safer passage. Before long, Mary has departed, satisfied. ‘The
Visiting
Nurse
Service
is
really
just
concerned that patients can function at home,’ she tells me. I’m one of the lucky ones. My hemorrhagic stroke saw me diagnosed with a 90% chance of mortality and a one-in-20 chance of what the brain surgeon delicately
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
67 ATTITUDES ARE THE REAL DISABILITY BY RICKY MONAHAN BROWN
a
stroke, and describes a patient
good outcome. Yes, the residual
appearing to develop a foreign
deficiencies
described
to
my
partner
as
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
there.
accent. Except they don’t. The
But today I’m pretty mobile, and
appearance is simply the result of
due to the location of my bleed,
distorted articulatory planning
my expressive abilities are in
and coordination processes, and
good shape.
people’s
are
always
When I discovered in hospital
instinct
to
impose
a
tidy narrative on the condition.
ATTITUDES ARE THE REAL DISABILITY BY RICKY MONAHAN BROWN
of
‘Your speech is fine. But I
speech therapy, I asked my partner
think the nurses would appreciate
about how my speech was. After
it if you would shut up from time
all, my inability to walk and my
to time.’ She grins and turns
continence
already
to our friend, Joe. ‘Oh my god.
with
Can you imagine if he’d woken up
results running along a spectrum
with an English accent? He’d be
from the absurd to the dangerous.
in hell!’
that
I
escaped
was
to
do
issues my
sessions
had
attention,
As well as being concerned that I might be slurring my words, I recalled something about foreign accent
syndrome
from
when
I
could still make memories. It’s a
rare
the
medical
newspapers
condition love
to
that
report
on. It arises most often after
In
any
speech
event,
therapy.
successful therapy
I
undertake
As
well
expression,
encourages
clear
as the and
focused thinking, incorporating memory
work,
organisation.
reasoning, It
also
and
includes
“‘YOUR SPEECH IS FINE. BUT I THINK THE NURSES WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD SHUT UP FROM TIME TO TIME.’”
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68
‘Remember
though,
that
you
extends to being able to focus
don’t hear about the people who
on rebus puzzles and logic games
just stay at home. The people who
rather
much
are depressed and despairing and
actual
angry because of their strokes.’
time
than
on
spending
swallowing
too
and
speech. But
My something
quarter stroke
and
four
survivors
dinner
companions
are
between
a
understandably angry from time to
tenths
of
time. But they also participate
affected
in musical theatre, lead outdoor
are
sports
their stroke. In America alone –
disabilities, and promote aphasia
where my stroke occurred – that’s
awareness. One of them suggests
one million people coping with
my partner and I go to the New
language
ranging
York Disabilities Film Festival.
difficulty
We do, and when we get there,
remembering words to losing the
I pick up a badge bearing the
ability to speak, read or write.
message Attitudes Are The Real
Chest
Disability.
from
difficulties
simply
Heart
believes
having
&
that
Stroke a
Scotland
third
of
the
estimated 12,500 people who have a stroke in Scotland every year will be left with aphasia. For many of the people who experience the condition, their intelligence is
unaffected
and
they
groups
for
people
with
As I survey my new friends in all their variety, it seems to me that this is a well-expressed, organised,
and
even
pithy
sentiment.
can
construct complicated thoughts, but expression of those thoughts is difficult. One night, at a dinner with a group of fellow stroke survivors, I ask a friend who lives with a relatively mild case of aphasia if she has a theory as to why it should be that the people I meet who have been affected by the condition seem to be so nice, thoughtful, curious about their condition, disabled
and
active
community.
She
in
the tells
me in carefully formal sentences that she’s glad that I’ve met so many nice, thoughtful people who deal with aphasia.
RICKY MONAHAN BROWN is the host and curator of the Saboteur Award-winning night of live spoken word and musical entertainment, INTERROBANG?! His fiction and narrative non-fiction has been published in many magazines, journals and newspapers, including 404 Ink and The Dublin Inquirer. Ricky suffered a serious hemorrhagic stroke in 2012 which he writes about in his recentlycompleted manuscript, Stroke: A Love Story, and on apoplectic.me.
ATTITUDES ARE THE REAL DISABILITY BY RICKY MONAHAN BROWN
by aphasia in the aftermath of
69
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
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work on swallowing. My good luck
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WILD AND KIND by SARAH-LOUISE KELLY
The Wild and Kind studio is small, cramped and full of inspiration. From the plants in the window to mindful images on the walls, and the words ‘PROMOTE, EMPOWER, SUPPORT’ on the window that reflect onto the studio wall, the Wild and Kind girls are enthusiastic about their company values. The project was recently granted ‘community interest’ status, and founders Megan and Trudi are determined to always be as fair as they can in both their business and creations. After starting out by making feminist patches and clothing, Megan and Trudi soon found that they wanted to do more with their resources. Trudi, who lives with anxiety, wanted to connect with new people— and bring others together—in an environment that was both safe and sober. Pairing up with Megan’s natural
knack
for
empathy
and
creativity,
they
started bi-weekly workshops. From collage making to cupcake decorating, Megan and Trudi offer accessible workshops to anybody who identifies as female, and
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
71 WILD AND KIND BY SARAH -LOUISE KELLY
In
they’re completely free. ‘We can’t ever ask anybody to
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
pay to come along because that’s a barrier and we need people to know that this is a space they can always come to, no matter what.’
starting
have
provided
disadvantaged
and
Kind,
women
from
backgrounds
with
mental ill health a genuine safe space that is not only supportive and
welcoming,
accessible
Compassion is at the core of the
Wild
Megan Ansdell and Trudi Donahue
quiet,
but
on
completely
every
unassuming
level. place
A for
WILD AND KIND BY SARAH -LOUISE KELLY
Wild and Kind brand. From their
art, thoughtfulness and company
apparel to their future vision,
is
everything is produced with care
sufferers
and precision to ensure that they
alike. With current budget cuts
remain completely cruelty-free.
and
‘I’d
rather
pay
a
little
more and know that our fabrics haven’t come from the result of
crucial
to
and
restraints
mental
trauma on
health
survivors
facilities,
there’s a loss in safe spaces for those who desperately need it. Humble
and
unprotective
of
somebody’s suffering than accept
their
lip service from suppliers about
encourage anybody to start their
“trying” to be fair,’ say Megan.
own nights, wherever they are.
brand,
Megan
and
Trudi
In Glasgow, it can be difficult
‘We’re often told that it’s a
to find ways to socialise without
shame this is only available in
alcohol—something that can make
Glasgow and to that we say: start
mental
your own!’
health
issues
worse—and
the workshops are an alternative for people who are looking to meet
people,
but
don’t
feel
comfortable in traditional meetup spaces. Their ethos has worked; the workshops are like no others. The atmosphere is calm, serene
To Wild and Kind, the workshops aren’t a business but a movement. An opportunity to use kindness and creativity to provide safer spaces
for
those
looking
for
them.
and gentle. It feels like old friends coming together and every interaction between the attendees is earnest and friendly. There’s no pretense around the art being created, in fact, creation feels as it should at Wild and Kind: completely
cathartic.
They’ve
kept this environment as it is by asking all attendees to review their Safe Space Policy before the nights.
SARAH-LOUISE KELLY is a twenty-something independent writer from Glasgow.
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73
ARTICLE TITLE BY AUTHOR
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TALKING TO AN OLD WHITE MAN IN A CHAIR by SHAMSO ABDIRAHMAN
I share with my father a fear of the dark, the same jawline, and a tendency to speak too fast when excited or nervous. Despite these likenesses, forever etched in my brain is the look of discomfort and unfamiliarity he wears when I try to discuss my struggles with mental health. I was 17 when I first experienced depression and severe anxiety; once a loud, demanding older sister, I became a quiet figure in our home. I found everyday tasks tiring and became distant from loved ones. ‘A difficult gap year,’ I told myself and others. And so nobody seemed to raise an eyebrow when I stayed cooped up in my room for weeks on end, or when I cut off all my hair when my bundles of curls became matted from neglect. My
parents
were
ever-present
figures
in
my
life, priding themselves on having raised children
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
75 TALKING TO AN OLD WHITE MAN IN A CHAIR BY SHAMSO ABDIRAHMAN
who, an
more
than
attachment
feel
counselling won’t be a cause for
another.
celebration. The very image of
anything, to
one
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
However, I remember how all four
their
of my siblings looked at me as if
about her problems with an ‘old
I were an alien when they were
white man in a chair’ would hurt—
told I was to have a Quran Saar*.
it would be a symbol of their
‘Doctors will give you drugs that will make you slow. Only God can help,’ is what my dad
TALKING TO AN OLD WHITE MAN IN A CHAIR BY SHAMSO ABDIRAHMAN
said after trumping my mother’s suggestion of a visit to the GP. It was my youngest sister who snuck into the room to watch,
eldest
daughter
talking
failure to instil in me trust in God (and only God) for solace. Instead
she
offers
prayers
which I welcome, but this only illustrates my parents’ avoidance to use the clinical terms that have helped me but frighten them.
£20-an-hour
Labels are heavy and set you
sheikh screamed holy verses into
apart. But, for me, a diagnosis
my numbed ears and soaked me with
came with relief. I knew what it
the water he’d blessed.
was—it finally had a name, one
giggling
as
the
As a Muslim, making dua** to a creator and daily prostration
separate to mine. My
grandmother
would
say
my
have always been personal comforts
siblings and I were born with
whether
‘English’
connected
I’ve
felt
or
not,
spiritually yet—to
my
hearts—soft,
weaker
and not very Somali. She had won
parents—my illness has marked me
her
with a questionable low iman***.
the resilience her people have
Often I would hear that feeling
shown in the face of hardships.
depressed was unhappiness caused
I grew up never questioning my
by arrogantly rejecting God and
relatives
prayer as medicines. The only sin
them?’ upon hearing of a death
my depression has caused me is to
back
do is lie. Often.
is a truth, it is passed down
I’ve lived away from home for nearly four years now, and my mother calls me every other day to chat and check up on me.
I lie, knowing that my justwill
one
asking
home.
rewarded
‘who
to
killed
Generational
trauma
when there is resistance to talk and unpack the suffering a parent has
experienced,
resulting
in
them not being forthcoming with their own issues.
‘How are you feeling, Shamso?’
having-a-tough-day-mum
strength,
Mourning, assimilating
the to
trials
foreign
of
lands,
be
loss, and displacement are common
met with: ‘you’ve forgotten to
themes in the Somali immigrant
pray. That’s why you’re sad like
narrative,
this.’
deeper pains when retold to the
I lie because my progress with
one
which
conceals
fortunate children of refugees.
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76
health journey, but for now it
list my privileges of physical
remains a secret from my parents.
health, shelter, breathing loved
//
ones and an education—all which should reflect a stable mind. A well mind. But depression is not selective, it exists in different forms and in different bodies. Conversations of about mental my
were
home.
and
suicide
topics.
slim
Sex,
to
none
drugs,
were
Fluency
white in
in
alcohol,
my
on someone, mostly for healing purposes **DUA: prayer ***IMAN: faith
people mother
tongue doesn’t extend to aiding me in explaining my depression, I simply don’t know the words for it. When I use the medical terms within my Somali, they feel more foreign—scarier, infect
the
warm
even—and
only
conversations
between a mother and her child. Today, tablet
a
before
routine
single
breakfast
and
a
seat opposite a therapist every
SHAMSO ABDIRAHMAN is a 23-year-old London-born aspiring writer. Currently an English & Politics student based in Glasgow writing words that focus on nostalgia, identity and surviving her 20-somethings. notshyjustshook.wordpress.com
fortnight have helped me be. And soon I will move back home and want to be open with my mental
“BUT DEPRESSION IS NOT SELECTIVE, IT EXISTS IN DIFFERENT FORMS AND IN DIFFERENT BODIES.”
TALKING TO AN OLD WHITE MAN IN A CHAIR BY SHAMSO ABDIRAHMAN
health
*QURAN SAAR: to read the Quran
77
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
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I feel guilty and, in my head,
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BREAKING FREE by SHARON JONES
I hold myself hostage in a cage I built myself; a cage to tame the beast that is the bipolar brain. I was 30 when I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type II and I was devastated. My psychiatrist was a seasoned veteran in the mental
health
field
and
seemed
surprised
at
my
reaction. I was shocked and inconsolable in the consultation room. The fluorescent lights glared brighter, the room narrowed, and my sweaty hands gripped the arms of the chair. From that moment I felt like I had lost control of who I was. My identity was given to me in the form of a label I will never be rid of. The doctor ended our session and I left the surgery a different person to the one who had entered an hour before. That was a decade ago, and while I have a much better understanding of bipolar and how to manage it, the fear of not being in control has never left me. When you have a mood disorder you are taught that self-monitoring is everything. You have a mood chart to track and predict highs and lows, sleep is a major contributing factor to mental health, and so you must ensure you are getting enough. Too
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
79 BREAKING FREE BY SHARON JONES
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
much sleep could indicate that
it
a depressive episode is looming,
which have their own challenges,
too little and you may be about to
but there is a certain Jekyll &
soar up to the dizzying heights
Hyde aspect to bipolar.
of hypomania. You learn that your diet is crucial, especially if your
medication
includes
mood
stabilisers. You need to exercise enough to keep depression at bay
BREAKING FREE BY SHARON JONES
but be careful not to trigger hypomania. And on it goes.
with
personality
There
are
hilarious
a
and
disorders
host
of
tragic
both
stories
to tell from my journey, but it is the current bend in the road that worries me. In trying to maintain an element of control, I have stamped out any flicker of
Bipolar took over my life. I
fire in my personality. For years
lived in constant fear of becoming
I exerted such control over my
ill
was
emotions and moods that it has
diagnosed I still had bipolar,
become second nature. I became
I just didn’t know it. I lived
adept
life
abandon.
inside or consciously reining my
Yes, I crashed into some major
behaviour to fit in. I am not
lows, but I had some of the most
as quick to laugh, to join in,
exhilarating
or
again.
Yet
wildly
and
before
with
times
I
of
my
life
at
to
masking
have
fun.
I
hold
back.
get myself into some embarrassing
and feeling and made myself a
situations;
almost
prisoner within my own mind. I
fired for playing ball games in
have done this so successfully
the office. (I think the stress
that I have forgotten who the
of
real me is.
the
tax
once
return
deadlines
went to my head). Then, during a particularly intense bout of hypomania, I left my job abruptly and
moved
to
Aviemore
because
I had an overwhelming urge to escape. Of course, I was trying to
escape
from
myself,
but
I
It
is
no
every
felt
I
was
shackled
I
with hypomania. Although I did I
have
how
longer
thought
enough
simply be well. I want to feel alive. I want to find that girl who used to be the life and soul of the party and get her dancing again.
didn’t realise that at the time. My friends refer to my move as a ‘hypomanic misadventure’. I have had many of those, but moving halfway up the country was one of the more dramatic ones. Sometimes I feel as though I am two people. I think anyone with bipolar disorder can relate to that. I don’t mean to confuse
to
SHARON JONES is a writer of fiction and non-fiction focusing on themes of mental health and LGBT interest. She is currently studying an MA in Creative Writing and leads workshops with community groups. @Proof_Write
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ARTICLE TITLE BY AUTHOR
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RECOVERY by STELLA HERVEY BIRRELL
My
partner
suffers
from
night
terrors.
Once
he
dreamt he looked over to my side of the bed and instead of me lying there, he saw two dogs. Then he noticed one was dead, and the other one, on top, was eating the corpse. Sometimes I feel like a dog that is so disgusting it would eat another dog lying beneath it; sometimes I feel like a dog that has already died and is still giving of itself, by being eaten by those around it. And sometimes I feel like a 39-year-old with a poor mental health history. This is what my recovery looks like. I am better. I have not been hospitalised since the late 90s. I have a home and a family. I’m not in counselling or therapy. But paid work, which I loved, became too much once the children were born. Going part-time didn’t help: it made me feel incapable in both jobs (parenting, working for money). So I stay at home. This creates problems I hadn’t anticipated.
On a Monday, I will chat to adults, children and even dogs on the way to school. I like people. By a Thursday, I am loathe to enter the playground to pick up my children. People exhaust me. The natural ebb
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
83 RECOVERY BY STELLA HERVEY BIRRELL
MARBLES MAGAZINE, RECOVERY BY STELLA HERVEY BIRRELL
and flow of parental friendship
leg,
broke me all over again. After
right?’ You will nod. ‘It’s the
trying to ‘get over myself’ for
same for your head. If you need
three
taking
an antidepressant, even just for
antidepressants so I could care
a few weeks, shouldn’t you be
less about what people thought
looking after yourself in that
of me. I keep my headphones on,
way? Or asking for a referral,
scan the asphalt for a ‘safe’
someone to talk to?’ Then I will
person,
people
encourage you to think whether
without an ‘unsafe’ person in it.
there is anything you can put
My children don’t understand why
down, before your burdens crack
I won’t let them play after the
you
bell rings.
skull.
years,
or
I
a
started
group
of
I am terrified of mania, and keep a tight hold on myself every
you’d
like
take
teeth
painkillers,
embedded
in
Sometimes, I even take my own advice.
spring, when the revolution of the seasons tries to pick me up and shake me out of my senses. Peaks
and
troughs
have
been
replaced with what I like to call ‘the shame spiral’. If something happens,
if
I
do
something
I
feel stupid or cruel for doing, I will descend on this corkscrew for days, weeks. In the mornings, I remember with a lurch what a terrible person I am. It does not take too much tip me into this downward place of self-loathing. I don’t ask to feel like this. Being
a
natural
over-
sharer, I never hide my health history, an
and
consider
unofficial
myself
ambassador
for
mental health awareness. A selfawarded position, but if you are spiralling friend
who
yourself, will
I
say:
am
the
‘There’s
no shame in going to your GP. I
mean,
I
know
there
is,
but
there shouldn’t be. Look at it this way. If you had a broken
a
STELLA HERVEY BIRRELL is an emerging writer and awardwinning poet living in East Lothian. She has written for the Scottish Mental Health Festival Talking Heads project, the Ropes and Frangipani journals, and the Dangerous Woman project. You can find her blog at atinylife140.wordpress.com.
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ARTICLE TITLE BY AUTHOR
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TRIGGER interview by KIRSTYN SMITH
Trigger is a publisher dedicated to opening up and continuing stories about mental health. They publish authors who live with, or have recovered from, mental illness, in order to work towards getting rid of the stigma that surrounds mental ill health. Interview with Trigger’s Senior Editor, Chris Lomas.
// Trigger was officially launched in August 2016 as the publishing arm of The Shaw Mind Foundation, a charity devoted to opening conversation, erasing stigma, educating children and young people, and supporting those with mental health issues on a global scale. Adam Shaw, the founder of both The Shaw Mind Foundation and Trigger, decided to spend his efforts on mental health after suffering from OCD and intense anxiety himself. He founded the charity alongside his psychologist, Dr Lauren Callaghan. Their self-help book, Pulling the Trigger: OCD, Anxiety, Panic Attacks and Related Depression was the first book that Trigger published, but not the last. A significant percentage of proceeds from all books sold at Trigger go to The Shaw Mind Foundation, and Trigger authors speak at charity events.
// MARBLES MAGAZINE,
87 TRIGGER BY KIRSTYN SMITH
Adam
struggled
anxiety
for
with
OCD
decades
and
before
of
the
the
condition
and
evidence-based
explain treatment
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
receiving therapy and recovering
techniques that they used to help
from it. Given that he has had
their patient recover.
a
personal
illness,
battle
the
with
company
mental
has
been
set up to be understanding of the issues that we deal with and the people who are going through
TRIGGER BY KIRSTYN SMITH
them.
However,
Adam
isn’t
the
only one. This kind of publishing tends to attract people who have an interest in the books that we are putting out there, so a large part of the workforce at Trigger
either
has
dealt
with
mental illness themselves in the past or knows someone who has. This can only help the company, as we understand the nature of what we’re dealing with due to our specific experiences. We are in the best position to deal with
The second range is called The Inspirational we
and
Trigger
range,
a
series of self-help books written by patients with lived experience condition
and
their
psychologists that specialise in the treatment of that condition. As such, the book is split into two halves, the first of which
voice
second the
which
learned
to
Through
and
allow
them
to
talk
about what they went through, how they recovered from their lowest point, and how they cope with their illness now. Though both our series are non-fiction, we are open to publishing fiction and are waiting for that allimportant
fiction
submission
that will blow us all away.
//
and more still needs to be done. Trigger not only gives people a space to read about mental health without judgement and shame, but it also gives people a voice and platform. Our books make sure that people know they’re not alone in the way that they feel and that things can get better. That is what Trigger is all about.
//
the patient in their own words. by
or
illness.
this series, we give people a
deals with the personal story of The
their
discussed, but it isn’t enough
book series. First, there is the
a
recovered
manage
brought to the surface and being
Trigger currently publishes two
of
mental
Mental health is finally being
// the
non-fiction
which
have gone through mental illness
books in the most compassionate
Pulling
in
health stories from people who
authors and people who read our way possible.
publish
Series,
is
written
It’s
psychologist,
through
people who don’t live with poor
nature
mental health to hear the stories
they
half explore
the
incredibly
important
for
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88
that we need men to understand about sexism and white people to understand about racism, we need able people to understand mental health. It does us no good to speak only to the people who suffer from mental health difficulties. We need to encourage those who health to listen and learn too. In 2017, The Shaw Mind Foundation, along with Trigger, managed to get over 100,000 signatures on a petition for mental health to be taught in schools, which meant that the subject was debated in Parliament late last year. This is just the tip of the iceberg. We want to make sure that everyone understands the difficulties of mental health and to learn the tools to deal with it.
// We need to give more funding to mental health services. The NHS as a whole is in danger right now, so we need to fight for it— and not only for those who find themselves but
for
physically those
of
injured, us
whose
problems are far more insidious than a broken bone. We need to lobby our MPs to take this issue more seriously; we need to lobby the
government
and
engage
the
general public. Our petition to begin teaching mental health in schools is just the start. We need to be heard.
TRIGGER BY KIRSTYN SMITH
are not affected by mental ill
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89
of those who do. In the same way
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WHEN MATHS GIVES YOU PANIC ATTACKS by YASEMIN FISCHER
This is going to be a journey of numbers, so let’s start with some fun statistics: approximately 40% of adults live with anxiety. Only 4% of people are directly affected by synesthesia, a neurological phenomenon that links two or more of your senses. That means the number of people who suffer from both is very small. But I can’t focus on that maths. All I can focus on is the number four in those statistics. She’s glaring at me. She? Yes. She. Four is a mean girl. I don’t like Four. It’s personal. If this sounds familiar to you, you might have Ordinal Short:
Linguistic OLP.
OLP
is
Personification a
form
of
synesthesia.
synesthesia
that
awards numbers, letters or even months their own personality. With OLP and anxiety having a ball in my brain, my life consists of constantly balancing a neurological and a mental health diagnosis.
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
91 WHEN MATHS GIVES YOU PANIC ATTACKS BY YASEMIN FISCHER
It
started
very
simply:
I thought I was losing my mind. MARBLES MAGAZINE,
When
I
learned
to
solve
my
first maths problems in school the
numbers
made
sense
in
my
head, but then I told my mother: ‘Nine needs to protect Six at all costs’ and I got that look. That look grown-ups get when you’re a
WHEN MATHS GIVES YOU PANIC ATTACKS BY YASEMIN FISCHER
kid and you don’t know anything and you’re so amusing. It kept happening, and then other kids started giving me the other look. The look that says you’re weird and we don’t want to play with you. At that point, I didn’t know
who
weren’t
accustomed
to
my
‘quirks’. How was I going to tell my flatmate that I couldn’t have eight of anything? Eight is the worst, and I’d rather starve than cut the pizza into eight slices. She would think I’m crazy. She was going to tell everyone at uni,
and
then
they
would
all
write me off as mad. Bonkers. Ready for the rubber room. Except those fears come from anxiety and catastrophising.
No
such
thing
happened, and we sliced the pizza into six pieces instead. That was it.
the word ‘anxiety’ or what it
Eventually, I got the chance
meant, but it took over my life.
to research synesthesia for a uni
I constantly felt judged, every
project, and I found an online
word off my tongue another reason
space full of people with OLP.
for people to give me The Look.
For all of ten seconds, I felt
Fast forward through years of holding
my
tongue
and
forcing
myself to solve maths problems the way teachers want me to—even though their way makes no sense to me. I started getting panic attacks in my teens. One of the worst ones? All just because I broke a glass. No, not A glass. A glass in a set of three. Now I was stuck with two. I couldn’t breathe. My chest ached. Three has always been there for me. She is so kind. She loves wearing pretty red dresses and a look at her cheers me up. How could I break glass number three? I felt like I’d betrayed one of my best friends. Sooner or later I was bound to be confronted with new people
a weight lift off my shoulders and I breathed a little lighter. Finally,
people
who
could
understand my struggle! Except, not. Turns out, everyone has their own associations and not everyone thinks
Three
is
wonderful.
It
took me a long time to connect with
other
synesthetes
because
I felt like I was betraying my numbers by talking about others’ OLP.
In
the
end,
however,
no
matter what anxiety whispers in my ear, three is nothing but a number.
//
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92
my numbers:
7: They’re a bit of an outsider. Doing their own thing. Who even
1: He’s kind of a bland, blue-
knows?
jeans-and-white-shirt guy. Okay,
8: The most horrible number. He’s
I guess.
only out for his own gain, no
2: If she were a person, she would
regard for anyone or anything. No
be the kind of friend who is part
moral compass here.
of your group, but who you never
9: He’s the big brother of the
hang out with individually. Lovely,
bubbly
personality,
group
and
protects
the
weaker
numbers from being bullied.
supportive and kind. I’ve grown incredibly attached to her. It’s safe to say, she’s my favorite number. 4: She’s a vindictive mean girl. 5: He’s the people’s person among the numbers. Everyone seems to get along with him. 6: I’d consider him the youngest and weakest of the numbers. Kind of naïve.
Despite her parents’ wishes, YASEMIN FISCHER didn’t become a scientist or politician. She’s a writer, graphic designer and social media manager by day and wannabe YouTuber at night. Always looking for new challenges, she recently moved from the German alps to the Scottish seaside.
“I DIDN’T KNOW THE WORD ‘ANXIETY’ OR WHAT IT MEANT, BUT IT TOOK OVER MY LIFE. ”
WHEN MATHS GIVES YOU PANIC ATTACKS BY YASEMIN FISCHER
3:
93
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
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For those curious about some of
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BENZO & JERRY’S by RACHEL ROWAN OLIVE
This pun is courtesy of my friend Andie, who is much quicker-witted than I am. Last year we accidentally synchronised our mental health crises, so we were admitted to a women’s crisis house at the same time. We were both having a rough evening so obviously we took our respective benzos and panic-bought Ben & Jerry’s—it just seemed like putting the pills in the ice cream would save time all round. I
sent
psychiatric
a
version
of
the
hospital
as
they
image were
to
my
local
looking
for
service users’ work to display, but they decided it was ‘inappropriate for an acute setting.’ I can’t help wishing they took the same attitude to me when assessing me for detention under the Mental Health Act. I’m a member of Studio Upstairs, a therapeutic community of artists based in Dalston, London, which is where I make most of my artwork. Drawing cartoons is how I deal with needing help from systems and organisations which sometimes give me what I need, but
sometimes
cause
me
incredible
pain—such
as
mental health services and the welfare system. Being silly makes it possible to handle the gap between the way things should be and the way things are.
MARBLES MAGAZINE,
95 BENZO & JERRY’S BY RACHEL ROWAN OLIVE
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BENZO & JERRY’S BY RACHEL ROWAN OLIVE
I
am
and
on
Twitter,
and
my
prints
of
as
@rrowanolive
artwork—including Benzo
and
Jerry’s—
is available to buy online at etsy.com/shop/rachelrowanolive More information about Studio Upstairs
is
on
their
studioupstairs.org.uk.
website:
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ARTICLE TITLE BY AUTHOR
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health difficulties, you are not alone. Here are some organisations you can contact if you need to. IN AN EMERGENCY
FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT
Call 999
The Samaritans
Visit your nearest A&E
PHONE free from any phone
FOR NON-EMERGENCY SITUATIONS Visit your GP. If you feel in any way that your GP is not taking your concerns seriously, ask to speak to another doctor. Visit NHS Choices via nhs.uk
116 123 EMAIL jo@samaritans.org WEB samaritans.org
Offering a safe place to talk any time you like about whatever is getting to you.
Rethink Mental Illness PHONE Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm 0300 5000 927 WEB rethink.org Offering practical advice on different types of therapy and medication, money issues, and your rights under the Mental Health Act.
SANE PHONE daily 4.30-10.30pm 0300 304 7000 WEB sane.org.uk Offering emotional support and information for people affected by mental illness, as well as friends and family.
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CONTACTS
0 604565 133649