Newest dry-campus initiative approved Stricter policy eliminates all liquid, rain dome proposed By Ethan Hiedeman 16 and Pregnant
St. Olaf College announced a further tightening of its already strict “dry campus” policy last week. The new policy will ban, in addition to alcoholic beverages, beverages of any kind. In fact, it will ban liquid from campus altogether. The plan was one of the first actions overseen by Roz Eaton-Neeb ’87 in her new capacity as Dean of Students. “I think it’s going to make me really popular with the students,” said Eaton-Neeb said while announcing the new policy. “After all, our alcohol policy is the main reason students come to St. Olaf and this just makes that draw even stronger.” Eaton-Neeb went on to explain that this is what students wanted. “Just look at the Take Back the Tap campaign,” she said. “They were trying to get rid of bottled water. Well, this does that and more.” When reached for comment, leaders of the environmental coalition said, “Wait, what?” The new policy will go into effect over Easter break. Students will return to campus to find the water on campus turned off. According to Director of Residence Life Pamela McDowell, Res Life has some “really exciting ideas” about what to do with sinks and showers now that they’re merely deco-
rative. “Not to give anything away, but I’m thinking . . . floral patterns!” McDowell said giddily. “I don’t get it,” student Arufe Kenjokin ’13 said. “I can see getting rid of bottled water maybe, but all liquid? Even if you wanted to, what about rain? What about peeing?” “Don’t even think about peeing,” said one power-hungry resident assistant. “If we suspect there is any sort of liquid in your room, we’ll bust in and write you up so fast you won’t have time to cry. And if you do cry, we’ll write you up again.” And as for the rain issue, Assistant Vice President for Facilities Pete Sandberg is looking into getting a giant, transparent dome put over campus to keep the unwanted liquid off of the Hill. “No other campus is doing this,” Sandberg said. “We’re going to be leading the pack. And don’t worry, we’re going to make the dome out of 100 percent recycled materials. It’s going to be LEED certified.” Pastor Ann Svennungsen was also supportive of the new measure. “As a college of KATIE LAUER/MANITOU MESSENGER the church, I think this sends a very strong St. Olaf’s soon-to-be-implemented complete dry campus policy would eliminate message that we’re living out the Biblical any sort of liquid from school grounds. The administration hopes the change message. I mean, look at the Noah story. will be well-received by both current and prospective students. The moral of that story was, ‘rain is bad,’ cups or vessels of any sort back with them considered contraband, and appropriate diswasn’t it?” Students are advised not to bring bottles, from Easter break. All such articles will be ciplinary actions will be taken.
‘CEL yourself’ slogan raises eyebrows ‘First year’ label
By Alyssa Lynne Horse Girl
repercussions would be severe. “We’re still trying to get to the bottom of how this could have happened, but whoever is responsible will be bombarded with requests from these same escort services, just to see how they like it.” The CEL declined to comment on the accusations, though someone (presumably from the organization)
placed a poster defending “alternative professions” on the bulletin boards near the post office. Students also reported that peer advisors were seen carrying recycling bins full of shredded paper to the dumpster on Saturday, March 17, before leaving for spring break. They have not been seen since.
What kind of career is the Center for Experiential Learning (CEL) really preparing you for? On Friday, March 16, several students lodged a complaint with the Dean of Students Office regarding the misleading nature of the “CEL Yourself” email alias. It appears that the students were offered employment at various male escort services via repeated rounds of emails. According to Dean of Students Roz Eaton-Neeb ’87, the administration was unaware of the CEL’s intentions in creating the alias. “The alias was originally approved by the administration as a great way to prepare students for their future careers by receiving emails about resume writing workshops, interview skills sessions and job offers,” Eaton-Neeb said. “It was never made clear that the career preparation would be geared toward the escort industry.” The students requested that their identities be concealed in speaking about the issue. “I was just looking for tips on how to become a business analyst at Target,” said one of the victims. “I thought the name was about marketing yourself, not prostitution.” Associate Dean Justin Fleming JACKIE SCOTT/MANITOU MESSENGER assured the student body that Over-achieving Oles take the Center for Experiential Learning’s new “CEL Yourself ” campaign to heart.
PAC spring speaker: Bashar al-Assad By Sarah McGivern
1997 NBA Player of the Year
The Political Awareness Committee (PAC) recently announced this year’s spring speaker to be Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. Students were given a series of clues as to the mystery guest’s identity throughout last week, and a formal announcement was made last night by PAC Coordinator
Jon Riley ’12. “It’s a tough crowd to please at St. Olaf,” Riley said. “Students don’t give up an hour of their time for just anybody.” Recent talk of the low political involvement at St. Olaf inspired PAC to choose a prominent name in the news, and the committee hopes that al-Assad will draw a bigger crowd than previous speakers. The committee also acknowledged complaints from students that past speakers have been too conservative. Riley discussed his hope that students would appreciate this year’s speaker as an innovative presence within the political scene. “We try to represent a diversity of voices,” said Riley. “Plus, he was very reasonably priced.” To encourage students to attend al-Assad’s talk, PAC has increased its advertising efforts. Last Tuesday, the Syrian president released an official endorsement of Malt O’ Meal as his breakfast of choice. Students
are also encouraged to follow alAssad’s Twitter account. His most recent Tweet reads, “EU is gonna lift my travel ban just for Ole PAC! #springbreak2012.” Contrary to past experiences, several students have voiced their support for this year’s selection. Some have even started selling T-shirts for the occasion. “I think it’s great,” Tina Hely ’12 said. “While al-Assad is certainly no Arianna Huffington, he has some important things for us to hear.” Only one student, who wished to remain anonymous, disapproved of the choice. “This is an outrage,” he said. “Bring back Karl Rove.” This year’s PAC spring speaker will address campus on Sunday, April 1, at 7 p.m. in Boe Chapel. PHOTO CREDIT: COURTESY OF MREBRASIL VIA FLICKR.COM
www.manitoumessenger.com
offends new students By Kate Fridley 2012 GOP Presidential Nominee
In a revolutionary and daring move that has the campus in an uproar, President David Anderson ’74 decreed last week that the new politically correct term for first-year students is now “newest additions to the community.” The decision comes in light of the long-standing Norwegian tradition of using derogatory names for first years that stems all the way back to the first century, when Vikings newly admitted to college were referred to as “peons” or “underlings.” It was not until about 50 years after the founding of the more modern and humane St. Olaf College that they were able to shed the label of “subordinates” and attain the status of real people. “It’s always been the 25 percent against the 75 percent,” said Jonathan Sanchez ’15, leader of the recently renamed Newest Additions to the Community Advocacy Group (NACAG). “It’s about time that started to change.” The advocacy group, despite having existed since the college’s creation in 1874, has gained negligible ground for newest additions to the community rights throughout St. Olaf ’s history. Sanchez speculates that these setbacks could have something to do with NACAG’s high turnover rate; membership tends to drop off enigmatically after only one year, resulting in a movement that is hard to sustain and holds few long-term projects or goals. While unfortunate, this consistent lack of success makes President Anderson’s declaration all the more monumental for the NACAG. Of course, not everyone is celebrating. “Next they’ll be telling us we have to give up ‘I’m an Ole’ apparel because it discriminates against prospective students,” said one disgruntled political science professor who asked to remain anonymous. “This is just the beginning of the slippery slope for power-hungry college officials everywhere.” No one else was available for comment.
ALSO IN THIS ISSUE ... *St. Olaf calls Tim Tebow as new college pastor . . . A12 *After Dark Committee worries about losing jurisdiction as days get longer . . . C7 *Organic chemistry student doesn’t complain about workload; friends shocked . . . B42
Is it worth it?
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MANITOU MESSENGER
THE MANITOU MESSENGER Established 1887 B.C. Olivia “Womb-to-Tomb” Koester Executive Editor
Paula “Call Me Princess” Skaggs Managing Editor mess-exec@stolaf.edu MANAGING TEAM Business Manager (mess-advertise@stolaf.edu) Gabby “Ca$h Money” Keller DESIGN TEAM Visual Director (mess-graphics@stolaf.edu) Katie “MCAT” Lauer Photo Editor (mess-photo@stolaf.edu) Jackie “Great” Scott! Staff Illustrators Libby “Clean” Koehl Noah “Has an Ark” Sanders Daniel “Hello Good” Bynum SECTION EDITORS News Editors (mess-news@stolaf.edu) Stephanie “Indiana” Jones Amy “High Man” Lohmann Opinions Editors (mess-opinion@stolaf.edu) Ethan “Where’d ya” Hiedeman Alistasia “Feathers” Lynne Sports Editor (mess-sports@stolaf.edu) Alana “Bananas” Patrick Arts and Entertainment Editors (mess-ae@stolaf.edu) Bri “Won’t son” Wilson Sarah “McTakers” McGivern Features Editor (mess-features@stolaf.edu) Solvejg “Xcqvdmnb” Wastvedt COPY EDITORS (mess-copy@stolaf.edu) Kate “Write Your” Wilson Kaitlin “Took My” Coats Becky “Secret Ad” Meiers Ellie “Is On The” Vondracek ONLINE EDITION Online Editor (mess-online@stolaf.edu) Shannon “That Old” Cron ADVISING Faculty Advisor Jan “Queen Of The” Hill Submission Impossible 4: Love Protocol The Manitou Messenger encourages students, alumni, faculty, staff and administrators alike to submit to its wit and charm. Opinion articles are open to all political, social and philosophical viewpoints, barring those sympathetic to Rick Santorum, because that guy only approves of heteronormative love. The Manitou Messenger reserves a table every week at the Tavern, just in case it ever meets that special someone. Love letters must be signed and must include the writer’s full name, telephone number, year in school and major, title or occupation... Actually, The Messenger doesn’t care. Just give it yo’ digits! The Messenger will verify the authenticity of all letters before it agrees to get it on. It had a bad experience with Likealittle once. Letters submitted by an organization will be ignored, unless that organization is Apple. Macs are sexy. Letters or articles containing offensive language, libelous misleading information must be rewritten before publication. Unless it’s dirty talk. The Messenger likes dirty talk. Letters based on two-party disputes will not be published, unless there’s room for a third, if you know what I’m saying. Letters must be submitted via courier to the breakup hallway. Letters must not exceed 400 words. Letters exceeding 400 words will be replaced by an article full of curse words and poor grammar, and the writer’s name will be affixed. The Manitou Messenger does not endorse the content of its advertisements, unless they are from Pure Pleasure because that place is the best! They are exclusively the opinions of the advertiser and only occasionally represent the fetishes of the newspaper or its staff. The Editorial Board of the Messenger reserves the rights to saucify the content of advertisements prior to printings or to refuse publication (sux to suck). All content and editorial decisions of the Manitou Messenger remain in the hands and pants of the students. If you wish to contact us you may wait for us with a nice seafood dinner and candles at our office in Buntrock Commons, Room 112. The Messenger staff appreciates being treated specially from time to time. The Manitou Messenger just wants somebody to spoon in Northfield, Minn. It is looking for love during the academic year except during vacations, exam periods and non-intervisitation hours. The cost for one year’s subscription is $50, but we can negotiate. A sushi dinner for just the two of us is an acceptable alternative. The paper can be found online at: www.okcupid.com/manitoumessenger Address:
Manitou Messenger St. Olaf College 1500 St. Olaf Ave. Northfield, MN 55057-1001 mess-exec@stolaf.edu
April Fools’ 2012
Plateless initiative will stop all waste in Stav Hall By Solvejg Wastvedt Let’s get right to the point: I totally agree with everyone who is against going trayless in Stav. You might ask, “Why would one of the Environmental Coalition’s most valuable members be antitrayless?” Well, let me tell you. It’s true that I’m kind of a big deal as far as environmentalism goes. In fact, if you’re doing something sustainable right now, it’s probably because I told you to do it. I’m pretty selfless when it comes to saving the planet. In spite of all that, I still say, down with the trayless campaign! Why? It just doesn’t do enough. Destruction of the Earth is a serious problem, people! Polar bears are dying, and all we can think to do is get rid of a few trays. We can do better. We can go plateless. Think about it. If everyone just carries their food in their hands, we’ll really save on dish washing and food waste. Portion sizes will get under control because it’s so much easier to measure a fist-sized portion of cereal when you’re actually holding the cereal in your fist.
Not only that, people will only be able to eat as much as they need. Bigger people have bigger hands. They also need more food. It fits perfectly – we will even be able to stop wasting paper on those portion size flyers for the tables. Now I know that this will be a big adjustment for a lot of Oles, but I believe we can do it. We already have hand sanitizer dispensers, after all. The only thing we need is determination. We need more people like me on this campus: people who care more about saving the Earth than about making themselves look good in front of their peers. So I say to you, fellow Oles, rise up and fight for a plateless Stav Hall. And to all the brave protestors who smashed plates last time Bon Appetit tried to take your trays, I support you. We may not have the same goals, but I feel that your hearts are in the right place. Features Editor Solvejg Wastvedt ’14 (wastveds@stolaf.edu) is from Norway, I’m guessing. She majors in self-righteousness with a concentration in Japanese film history.
LIBBY KOEHL/MANITOU MESSENGER
Diversity: accomplished. Midwest accounted for By Katie Haggstrom St Olaf College strives to create a campus blossoming with diversity. And it has done just that. As a high school senior, I was surprised when the St. Olaf application required me to send a picture of my hair. I am a proud brunette with many blonde streaks and quickly realized that my diversity might improve my chances of admittance. St. Olaf is a place where all shades of blonde are embraced and has even expanded to cover students who have a hint of brown. But I was dubious that my touches of blonde would gain me admittance.
When I arrived on campus, I was flabbergasted to find that every single shade of Norwegian blonde was truly represented. There are those with light blonde hair, almost verging on white. There are also people with such dark blonde hair that it could be arguably light brown. Then, there were those with natural blonde highlights, spanning the blonde spectrum. A package deal! But St. Olaf’s diversity doesn’t stop there. In the class of 2015, St. Olaf is proud to boast that every nook and cranny of Minnesota is accounted for. Additionally, the class of 2014 contains some select students from the neighboring states of Wisconsin and Iowa.
Without the effort on the part of Admissions, St. Olaf could not draw such a wide variety of students. Not many schools are able to showcase such a wide variety of diversity on a small liberal arts campus. St. Olaf is a rainbow of blonde hair and has people from not only in state, but also out of state. Oles, you have plenty to be proud of when it comes to diversity on your campus. Katie Haggstrom ’13 (haggstro@stolaf.edu) is from Minnesota, Minn. She majors in bringing hard truths to light.
Need for new graduation requirement: social skills By Olivia Koester
WRI, BTS-B, ORC, HWC . . . These acronyms become increasingly familiar as we creep toward graduation. General education requirements are a common conversation piece on campus – but only when conversation is taking place. Does anyone else notice the intensely awkward silences that pervade conversations with computer science majors? The condescending, overly-esoteric tones of philosophy majors? Media studies concentrators’ dead eyes as they tune you out and tune in to their cell phones, iPods and laptops? Why are these students allowed to graduate? How can the registrar not see the gaping hole in St. Olaf’s liberal arts curriculum? Clearly, it is time to reevaluate. It is time to add a new general education requirement: social skills and etiquette (SSE). I don’t know about you, but the etiquette dinner that the Student Alumni Association sponsors annually could easily serve as fodder for a semester-long course – with an SSE component. Family Studies 221 Table Manners could be so practical! This course would serve students as they live and work in this community, particularly in the Caf where athletic ruffians do not know how running around the dining hall stabbing teammates’ meals with forks looks. Additionally, clapping when a poor, defenseless diner drops his or her cup is absolutely barbaric. SSE courses would serve to civilize this campus. Art 189 Practical Fashion would be another great opportunity to earn an SSE! Reinforcing the oft-forgotten style mantra, “leggings are not pants,” would be an important lesson in Practical Fashion, helping students avoid a critical mistake: making an awkward first impression. Another important course offering might be Media Studies 389
Dry campus policy By Paula Skaggs
Last weekend, as I was going about my normal weekend routine of wandering Ytterboe with a Smirnoff Ice in my hand, party-hopping between pods, I was stopped by a resident assistant who told me – much to my shock – that drinking is not allowed on the St. Olaf campus. Fellow Oles, this was news to me. It seems like such a radical policy would be somehow publicized to the student body, not kept a total secret like it is now. Where are the posters, the panels, the regular emails from VP Kneser and Pamela McDowell? It’s like they’re TRYING to trick us into drinking! And, more importantly, why aren’t the students more vocal about this? In my four years at St. Olaf, I have never heard a single word from anybody about us being a dry campus. And, judging by the number of empty beer cans and vodka bottles in the dorm recycling bins every week, nobody else has heard either. Friends, we need to spread the word. We cannot let St. Olaf’s sneaky “alcohol policy” catch any more of us unknowingly violating policies we’ve never even heard about. It’s time to fight back. Pants-Wearer Paula Skaggs ’12 (skaggs@stolaf.edu) was born in the newsroom, where she was raised by rabid city hall beat reporters. She majors in scare tactics and yellow journalism.
Navigating the World Wide Web. I’m picturing tutorials on handling perverts on Chatroulette, tackling the delicate Facebook “relationship status” discussion and selling yourself to a company via Linkedin. I could think of a thousand other proposals for new courses, but with a limited number of faculty, it will be necessary to add SSE curriculum to existing courses as well. Easily done! Family Studies 253 Human Sexuality could tone down the scientific elements and exclusively preach practical advice. Getting down to the nitty gritty could really amp up the dating scene at St. Olaf. Many Oles focus on their studies throughout high school; consequently, dating is not a priority. When first years arrive on the Hill, independence and dorm life provides new opportunity, but without appropriate socialization, that opportunity goes untapped, literally. Human Sexuality could cover the basics: At what point should I buy a “crush” Friday flowers? How do I ask someone to Pres Ball? Are intervisitation hours actually enforced? With lessons like these, Likealittle could soon be a thing of the past. I urge my fellow students to contact the registrar and request that an SSE requirement be added to the list of graduation prerequisites. I know it will make scheduling more difficult, but ultimately, life will be more enjoyable when we can appropriately interact with our peers, showcasing the impeccable manners that only a St. Olaf education can provide. Olivia Koester ’13 (koester@stolaf.edu), clearly a social authority on campus, addresses others in writing, rather than face-to-face. She majors in Facebook stalking and concentrates in hypochondria.
Nope
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April Fools’ 2012
MANITOU MESSENGER
It’s time to go to war with ALL OF THE COUNTRIES!!!!!!!!!!!
By Rachel Palermo Look around you. There are pretty people. Everywhere. America has a reputation for our beauty. Every time we reproduce, we increase the percentage of pretty people in the world. Really, we are doing the global community a favor each time someone gets knocked up. Here’s the problem: Every time ugly people reproduce, the percentage of ugly people increases. They are ruining the gene pool. I see only one solution for this grand atrocity. America needs to go to war with everyone. If every non-American dies, then there will be fewer ugly people in the world. It’s simple math. If we want to save the future of the world, it’s our duty to eliminate the enemy. My plan entails first working against those in close proximity. Sorry, Mexico. We can launch some nukes across the border to eliminate them all. They won’t see it coming. We must act quickly
though, because if the GOP candidates build their wall, it may pose some difficulties in getting the bombs across. Next, we go to Canada. It won’t really matter if they hear of what happened in Mexico because they wouldn’t want to get their own army involved anyway. Peace out, Canadians. Once we eliminate those closest to us, we can just nuke everyone else at the same time. Bombs all around. Might as well put our nuclear weapons to good use. Once the rest of the world is eliminated, we beautiful Americans shall be free to live in peace and harmony. Oles will probably not be satisfied, though, because right across town is high concentration of people ruining the gene pool. Sorry, Carleton, but in the name of beauty, it’s war.
Rachel Palermo ’15 (palermo@stolaf.edu) is from Amurrica. She majors in the Bush Doctrine.
NOAH SANDERS/MANITOU MESSENGER
Mellby ghosts want new haunt Apple’s reputation tarnished By The White Lady
Mellby is no longer the place to haunt. Mellby – long known as the residence hall where the living are as quiet as the undead – has numerous stories of ghost sightings throughout the years. However, this is all about to change. The reason is simple: Living in Mellby is terribly dull. Sorry, Mellbians, but no one here does anything and they all want absolute quiet so that they can go to sleep at 8 p.m. When you startle them in the middle of the night they don’t even get scared, they just complain that you’re interrupting their eight hours. This is just part of a trend of what we ghosts see as St. Olaf’s increasing prejudice against us. President Anderson talks of increasing diversity, but how about trying to incorporate existing members into the daily events? Just because I can’t write a check to St. Olaf’s Annual Fund doesn’t mean I don’t want to be included.
All the new buildings and renovations have also impeded on haunting abilities as the wide and brightly lit hallways are not meant for ghosts. Last night the Boy in the Red Hat (his name is Roger, if you care to know) came to me crying. “We’re treated like secondclass citizens here,” he said. “No one ever bothers to learn our names, but just calls us by our most descriptive feature. And none of us have ever been invited to one of Vice President Kneser’s bonfires. It’s insulting.” So Mellbians, next time you see something out of the corner of your eye, have a little heart and give us a little scream. Your resident assistant won’t write you up for being on the quiet floor. The White Lady ’13 (1913, that is) is from ye olde Northfielde. She majored in grief and bereavement. (Ghostwritten by Ben Taylor and Ethan Hiedeman)
By Carly Tsuda There is not a person among us who has never typed an email on a Mac desktop in Rolvaag, slashed a watermelon on a friend’s iPad version of Fruit Ninja or made a call on an iPhone. Ever since the dawn of the iPod, Apple has permeated our existence, and, frankly, it has been pretty great. At least until a recent factory explosion in Chengdu, China that killed four brought years of poor working conditions to light. Now, you should think twice about exactly how much your trendy gadgets are worth. Foxconn Technologies (a China-based company that manufactures for Apple, among other corporations) has faced public outcry over an explosion in their Chengdu factory, where Apple iPads are produced. Four workers were killed in the blast, and several others were injured. Not only did these tragic accidents result from poor adherence to safety standards, but there is also evidence that Apple was aware of these lapses in safety protocol, and failed to act before disaster struck. Allowing production to continue under hazardous circumstances is negligent, irresponsible, and in this case, deadly. Although the poor safety standards have been the headlining issue for Apple, overworking has been another long-term problem in Foxconn factories. It is not unusual for workers to put in outrageous hours, amounting to over 60 hours a week. Only the most senior workers are eligible for sick leave. The mental health of Foxconn
employees is atrocious; after a series of suicides in 2010, the company was advised to install nets around the upper floors of the building to prevent jumpers. Supporters of Apple would argue that the company has recently made efforts to rectify these problems. Apple has capped workers at 60 hours per week, including overtime, and has published reports to increase their transparency as a business. While these changes are certainly a step in the right direction, they are long overdue. Ideally, influential companies, Apple included, would have made their workers’ safety and health a top priority instead of reevaluation their harmful policies only after facing negative publicity. Sadly, the world of big corporations is far from ideal. However, it is our job as consumers to make responsible decisions about where we spend our money. Purchasing an Apple product condones their deplorable business practices, and furthers the horrible conditions these workers are facing daily. We have the power to affect profound change in Chinese sweatshops, and Apple must be held accountable. So next time you’re in the market for a new computer, think about whether the Apple logo is worth the human cost. Sent from my iPhone Carly Tsuda ’15 (tsuda@stolaf.edu) is from the steam tunnels. She majors in touch screens.
SGA advisory body proposed By Ethan Hiedeman
COURTESY OF VICE PRESIDENT GREG KNESER
Above is one of many of Vice President Kneser’s ghost photos. In this image, Mellby Hall’s White Lady steps out into a blizzard. Also in Kneser’s collection are snapshots of the Red Hat Boy swimming in a vat of blood and the Black Knight posing outside on a starless night.
The Student Government Association (SGA in common parlance) is out of control. If you were unaware, executives of SGA branches set their own budgets. This is a recipe for disaster since the only oversight they have is . . . drumroll please . . . SGA Student Senate. That’s why I am proposing a new body to oversee SGA’s finances, which I’ll call the Student Government Advisory Board (SGAB). SGAB will be made up of students elected by the student body. I do not think the board positions would be difficult to fill since there are many students on St. Olaf’s campus interested in government that would appreciate an opportunity to finally get involved. SGAB would play an important role in the financial oversight of SGA since in the past, SGA branches have been known to go
into debt. SGAB would have the final say on the budgets of SGA branches and the Senate as a whole because they will have a better sense of the body’s realities than those who are actually involved in SGA. It’s also important to get a greater diversity of voices involved in SGA, since it’s not like just anyone can run for SGA office or apply for a position in one of the branches. I think the new advisory board would provide that opportunity for St. Olaf students. I think this is a necessary step towards making SGA more accountable to the students they claim to represent. Destroyer of Worlds Ethan Hiedeman ’13 (hiedeman@stolaf.edu) would rather not disclose his hometown. He majors in running with scissors with a concentration in first aid.
What’s one thing you admire about President Obama?
Newt Gingrich
Mitt Romney
Rick Santorum
“He’s the right height.”
“I admire that his last name “I think he would be a perfect “End the Fed!” isn’t . . . ahem. That it shows fit for my moon colony.” his Kenyan heritage.”
Proud Gazillionaire
Cable News Pundit To-Be
Professional Adulterer
Ron Paul
Golden Oldie
Herman Cain
Jon Huntsman
Libya Expert Some Guy “Okay, Obama . . . he’s the president, correct? I just want “People actually know who to make sure we’re talking he is.” about the same thing.”
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Entertainment
April Fools’ 2012
MANITOU MESSENGER
Increase in Ole engagements pleases admin By Solvejg Wastvedt Loving Wife
CATIE YOKAN/MANITOU MESSENGER
It’s no secret that Oles thrive on commitment. According to a survey conducted by the Wellness Center, 75 percent of students believe that casual dating is a thing of the past and prefer heading straight for a relationship. Until now, though, most students waited until well into senior year to take the next step: “Ring by spring” has always been an upperclassmen phenomenon. The class of 2015, however, is changing everything. In a record-breaking display of commitment, over half of first years have already become engaged to a fellow Ole. President David Anderson congratulated them on their accomplishment. “We’re thrilled that the first years are really connecting this year,” he said. “We always strive to build a strong com-
munity – kind of like one big family – but they’ve taken it to a whole new level.” Vice President of Enrollment Michael Kyle agreed and took personal credit for the statistic. “Our efforts at a 50/50 male-female ratio are really paying huge dividends,” he said. How did they do it? Inge Svenson ’15 said it was simple. “This is my first relationship, and it just seems right,” she said. “I knew as soon as he asked me on our first Caf date. When you’re both Oles, it’s just kind of a given that it’s going to work out.” As the academic year draws to a close, Kyle and the rest of the admissions staff are already setting high goals for the class of 2016. They realize that even though the first years have made a remarkable accomplishment, there is always room for improvement.
St. Olaf Choir officially hits the stratosphere By Kathryn Haggstrom District 12 Tribute
The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) has recently contacted St. Olaf’s own Anton Armstrong ’78 about the possibility of the St. Olaf Choir performing for astronauts stationed at the International Space Station, a satellite that orbits Earth. “It was such a privilege to be contacted personally by NASA’s administrator, Charles Bolden,” Armstrong said. “The Choir was so excited when I told them that they would be performing on the moon next year.” Bolden was highly complementary of the choir. “They say that sound doesn’t
travel in a vacuum, but we’re going to put that to the test,” Bolden said. The St. Olaf Choir will be spending its summer preparing at NASA’s very own space training camps, where they will predominately focus on issues such as how to stay grounded in zero gravity, despite their highly inflated egos. The ensemble is expected to be flightready by September of 2012. St. Olaf is having special velvet spacesuits made in the Choir’s very own royal purple. There is no word yet on how this will affect next year’s Christmas Fest, but Armstrong assures the public that there will still be a Christmas performance, no matter what it takes. “I have already discussed this in detail
with President Anderson,” Armstrong said. “If the space performance impedes on Christmas Fest, St. Olaf will stream a Christmas Fest performance directly from the moon.” The Choir will be the first to not only sing on the moon, but also the first to broadcast a performance from it. Members of the choir, unable to study abroad with choral commitments throughout the year, are eager to connect with their classmates in a new way. “I can’t wait to say, ‘Yeah, I just got back from Term in Space,’” said soprano Megan Johnson ’13. Armstrong is also thrilled with the arrangement, but he isn’t surprised. “We’ve always been out of this world,” he said.
Riggins. Statistically speaking, entrepreneurs should be able to gauge whether or not their business will be successful within the first five years; even so, Riggins wanted to be extra cautious before making radical changes to the hours of operation. “After 17 years, I have decided we are finally in enough of a financially secure state to execute my long-term vision of being closed on all Mondays,” Riggins said.
From a health standpoint, Riggins had been noticing increases in mistakes on Mondays, leading to unsatisfied customers and sometimes even injuries. When he raised this issue at a recent staff meeting, they reported feeling less alert and more distressed on Mondays compared to other days of the week. This evidence was enough for Riggins to go out on a limb in order to protect his employees, though he did voice concerns about customers going through withdrawal from Goodbye Blue Monday’s products in response to the change. In the event of multiple customers reporting withdrawal symptoms, Riggins will offer group therapy sessions on either Tuesday mornings or Sunday evenings. Goodbye Blue Monday anticipates an increase in business on all other days of the week, citing that, as with any valuable resource, scarcity will result in an increased value. Riggins hopes that his new business model will not catch on and is even contemplating copyrighting the idea. “I just hope that the idea doesn’t become too mainstream because it has been my original business philosophy from the start,” he said.
Goodbye Blue Monday to close on Mondays By Bri Wilson Willy Wanka’s Favorite Oompa Loompa
Local coffee house Goodbye Blue Monday will officially be closed all Mondays, effective April 2. Located at 319 Division Street, the shop aims to soften the divide between the lax weekend and hectic work week by shutting down business on the first day of the week. The decision was for both economic and health reasons, according to owner Dan
COURTESY OF NORTHFIELDER VIA FLICKR.COM
Clay leaves to pursue show on Food Network By Kate Fridley
Step #1: Read up on your soon-to-be Sweetie! Social media is there for a reason – utilize it! Learn as much as you can about your potential mate through online mediums – like Facebook, Linkedin and Twitter – and don’t be afraid to bring up your findings in casual conversation. She can’t get enough of Lady Gaga? Hum “Poker Face” the next time you bump into her! He’s obsessed with the Chicago Cubs? Buy a jersey supporting the team! But don’t let it end there. Post about them once a day on Likealittle. Print out a few photos from your sweetie’s recent spring break trip to Florida and tape them on your notebook. Set your profile picture to match theirs. These gestures show that you’re interested without putting you too out there too early on. Step #2: Shower them with gifts early and often. Everyone likes to feel like they’re special! Surprise your someone with little gifts, candy, flowers or notes at whatever chance you can. A good goal here is around four “surprises” per day. Try to get creative where you leave them - their p.o. box is a safe bet, but you can do better. Learn their class schedule, and leave a rose on their desk. Sneak into their room and cover their bed in chocolates. Visit their house during Easter break and secretly hide Easter eggs and baskets around their yard. The key here is to be anonymous – they’re going to be so flattered and excited, but you have to keep the mystery up just a little longer! Step #3: Call their room phone. Every morning. Some say you know you’re in love when your special someone is the first thing you think about in the morning. Ensure this happens to your honey by calling their room phone every morning. Never tell them who you are (try to use a public phone so they can’t figure it out!), but brighten their morning with things you gleaned from their Facebook page (see Step #1!) – such as “Good luck on your orgo test today!” or, “Your sister says hello!” They’ll appreciate the personal touch. Step #4: Introduce Yourself By now, your beloved is probably giddy and wondering who this secret admirer is. So, take the next step and introduce yourself! Wait for them outside of their room at night, make an announcement in the Caf or even purchase an ad in the Mess – just find a way to make sure that they’ll definitely notice you. Remember, this is a story you two will probably want to tell your grandchildren one day, so make it a good one!
Illegal Animagus
Much to the disappointment of everyone, Randy “People’s Champ” Clay of Stav Hall will be leaving St. Olaf to host his own cooking show on the Food Network. The show, dubbed “Hel Kjøkken” in a play off of the popular reality series “Hell’s Kitchen,” will air every Tuesday night and feature Clay along with a team of real-live Norwegian amateur chefs in a fast-paced and cutthroat competition to explore their heritage via the culinary arts. The competitive events will take place in exotic locations and provide the unique opportunity for audience members to leave their comments, criticisms or basically whatever on a large comment card board after the show. Commercials for the upcoming first season have generated widespread anticipation in both the United Sates and Norway. Critics cite Clay’s avant-garde use of Harry Potter-themed banquets and desserts served in kiddie pools as a worrisome deviation from strict Norwegian tradition, but he defends his artistic choices adamantly. “I know my creative attempts to add a little interest and variety to the menu have upset some people,” Clay said. “But it’s hard to stick with tradition when literally the only things they eat in Norway are lutefisk and potatoes.” While Clay moves on to a life of glory, glamour and riches, St. Olaf has announced tentative plans for a tournament to be held in May for the purpose of determining his successor. Bon Appetite bids bon voyage to their dining darling at the end of the academic year.
With winter wrapping up on the Hill, Oles’ thoughts are turning to one thing: finding that spring fling. Once you’ve zeroed in on your newest crush, it’s time to make them yours. With these five simple steps, you’ll go from total strangers to love birds in no time!
Step #5: Never give up. Never, ever, ever give up. As frustrating as it is, some people like to play hard to get. So, play the game alongside them! If your sweetheart pretends to ignore you, blocks your Gchats routinely or calls Public Safety to get a restraining order, just remember – it’s all part of the game! The key is just to never give up. Once they see that you’re in it to win it, they’re bound to give in to your amorous pursuits.
DANIEL BYNUM/MANITOU MESSENGER
To submit questions, comments or concerns to the sex columnist, e-mail sexcolumnist@stolaf.edu.
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Exitainment
April Fools’ 2012
MANITOU MESSENGER
Hipster actually pleased with MEC spring concert choice By Alexi Garrett Jo Bros Groupie
Typically apathetic, Mae Rose ’13 finds herself surprisingly pleased (“but I wouldn’t say ecstatic or anything”) about the Music Entertainment Committee’s pick for the spring concert this year: indie-pop singersongwriter Ingrid Michaelson. Rose, a fan of Michaelson “way before she became a sellout to the ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ soundtrack,” said that the New York native will be good for the St. Olaf student body based on Michaelson’s hipster-goddess status. With a pack of American Spirits in hand, Rose said, “With so many jocks and dorky Norwegians at this school who don’t listen to anything besides stupid Top 40 hits, Michaelson’s music – which, is like, totally
mellow – will surely bring a breath of fresh, carbon footprint-free air to this campus.” However, Rose – who hails from Seattle, Wash. – is disappointed about the location of the concert. “The Pause is way too mainstream of a venue for someone of Michaelson’s status, and you can’t even drink PBR there,” Rose said. “First Ave in the Cities or even an acoustic set at Hogan Brothers would have been way more chill.” When asked about how she would prepare for the concert, Rose gave a condescending chuckle and answered, “I’m obviously going to hit up the Catbag offcampus with my friends before the concert, and I’m definitely going to rock my neon plastic Ray-Bans all night long.”
After Dark hosts first kegger
By Sarah McGivern Justin Bieber’s Muse
After a wildly successful semester of beach parties, giant Twister games and laser tag, the newly-created After Dark Committee (ADC) announced its decision to try out a new kind of event for college students. On March 16, St. Olaf temporarily suspended its no-alcohol policy to host its first school-sponsored kegger. According to ADC, the original idea for an open party with alcohol was proposed as a joke. But after a night of brainstorming an event to succeed this winter’s legendary Santa Pause Dance, the committee wondered if the proposal could possibly work. “We were really excited,” said ADC Coordinator Eden Ehm ’13. “We thought a keg just might be the key to helping college students have fun on the weekend between 10 p.m. and 2 a.m.” Surprisingly, the student body was strongly opposed to the proposed event. Controversy rang out as students refused to believe that such an event would actually be “fun.” Some students against the new event went so far as to take to the streets. The morning of the event, a group of students who call themselves “Oles for Fun” gath-
ered on the quad waving signs that read, “I <3 Grocery Bag Bingo” and “Give Us Our Weekend Back!” “This is ridiculous,” Emma Watson ’14 said. “I don’t pay $47,000 a year just to drink PBR on the weekend!” Other students voiced similar concerns. One first-year student mentioned that the event caused her to reconsider her college decision. “I’m disappointed in my private liberal arts education,” Kim Smith ’15 said. “Without laser tag on Saturday nights, I might as well transfer to the U of M.” In addition to the backlash, the party itself did not go quite as ADC hoped. Only a handful of Oles showed up to the Black and Gold Ballroom, where neon glow sticks and a full keg awaited them. “I don’t get it,” Bryan Brel ’15 said as he approached the keg. “How do you work this thing?” Due to the poor reception, ADC has apologized for the event and promises to give students more of what they want. Students eager to live out their mantra to “Work Hard, Play Harder” will be kept waiting no longer. This Friday, ADC will host an epic game of Pin the Tail on Ole the Lion – be sure to get there early!
“Wait, What?” News A recent poll indicated that March 9, 1997 marked a huge decline in partying on college campuses around the country. Sociologists speculate that the trend arose from the death of rapper Biggie Smalls, who was notorious for his song “Party and Bullshit.” Sports Tidbit Brett Favre, former quarterback of the Green Bay Packers and Minnesota Vikings, announced yesterday that he will come out of retirement for the 2012-13 season. Out of desperation, the Saints bribed Favre to join their team after losing their draft pick due to offering a bounty on then-Viking Favre in the 2009 NFL Championship Game. 2012 Pulitzer Prize Announced And the award goes to ...The Onion, a newspaper that originated in Madison, Wis. It is accredited for delivering news with honest, straightforward facts instantaneously. TV Digest Barney Stinson was officially kicked out of laser tag in “How I Met Your Mother.”
HANNAH RECTOR/MANITOU MESSENGER
Cage converted into nightclub By Ben Van Howe Former Teletubbie
You might have noticed some renovations to the Cage over the past couple of months. The clean, college-friendly atmosphere has been replaced with sensuous red lights, faux-suede seats, metal poles and a giant glitter ball. The Cage employees have all been swapped for exotic dancers – blonde bombshells clad in Norwegian sweater underwear that dance in cages to disco hits of the ’70s. Now called the Birdcage, the space has become Northfield’s seediest nightclub, which is quite the feat. Although there has been some outrage from alumni, faculty and students alike about the moral degradation surrounding the Birdcage, President David Anderson couldn’t be more pleased with the direction of Olaf’s new hotspot. “You know, the Birdcage is the only campus nightclub in the country where you can get a lap dance in 3/4 time,” stated the president with a broad smile on his
By David James Peterjohn Record Company Owner
Music is not exactly the greatest fad Look, heteronormatives. I get it. Some of you folks think that sprangy twang sounds are pretty cool. Whatever. Here’s the deal. I won’t exactly say I’m an expert on this stuff. I dabble. I mean, I’ve got lots of things to do, and honestly, aural fixations sound risqué. This is a Christian college after all . . . Polyphony is from the devil and the fact that we’ve lost the Northern Scandinavian Laestadianism aspect of our religious worship services and general education in spirituality in regards to compositional efforts is rather lackadaisical. There’s a lot of business going on in that wretched fortress of squawk and string rubbing and horn blowing but I think it’s indicative of a more widespread problem. People are simply too caught up in this music thing. I honestly think it’s going to be some sort of trend unless tastemakers like me rectify this sonic penetration. I mean, come on now people. There is economic inequality within the cobbler-shoemaker collective of upper-region Rice County, and nobody is doing anything? Because they have to listen to the newest Beyoncé album? There should be marches going on, not countdowns!
face. The Birdcage is having a hard time moving customers away from single dollar bills to show their “appreciation” for the dancers, insisting on the use of OleDollars instead. Customers can now swipe their Ole IDs next to the dancers’ bodies, and once the card is detected, the transaction of money from customer to dancer is complete. Many Olaf students commented on how this new idea is detrimental. “I don’t know how I feel about the new system,” one frequent customer said. “It’s hard to walk down to the Bookstore to add more OleDollars on my card when fully aroused.” Fortunately, the Birdcage still serves delicious food and drink. The new flavor of coffee, Java Oh La La, is sure to have you coming back for more. And, don’t forget, you can always attend a private session with one of the Birdcage dancers in the Black and Gold Ballroom.
I find it rather disturbing that people are more willing to talk about some sort of SXSW (South By Southwest Media Conference and Festival) acronym (which, even after my years of music journalism doesn’t make sense because there’s no “X” in “by”), when there’s not enough post-gendered activism in our daily speech. Looking at most music in regards to the spoken language of humanity, there are too many instances of gendered descriptors like “he” and “she.” Boys should be women and women should be girls only when it’s non-judgemental (this is not a typo, it’s intentional lingua-revisionism, English snobs). Fathers aren’t allowed near their children, thank-you-very-much, unless the child accepts them spiritually, and babies are now the true parents when adults begin their new age of equality. You can’t get all this with headphones on. Nine Inch Nails will scratch your baby and learn them of violence through physicality. And if that’s not sufficient evidence of my poststructural, inverse-colonial mindset, I think you’re just plugged in too much. I think the leading trend in poorly reviewed music today comes from the need for amplification and recording. Much like the Native American belief that photography steals the soul of its subject, I believe strongly that recording has taken us down a dark path of definitionism and away from pure equality abitriarianism. Think of it. How can you exactly expect to recreate the same feeling of instantaneous inspiration? No music should ever be composed, in my opinion. It’s so limiting to have something written down or even rehearsed. If my daily speak comes naturally from the synapses, isn’t it simply the one percent that doesn’t come from the synapses? So that one percent is responsible for all rehearsed music as well and we cannot become a classless society under such circumstances. The fact that I even debase myself by writing is only so I can fight fascism on a more visible level through moral non-electric means like newspaper dissemination. Honestly. Think about it. What you’re doing here is tantamount to transforming your ill-gotten privilege into oppression. I’d give music a 2.3/8.
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Sports
April Fools’ 2012
MANITOU MESSENGER
Quidditch tragedy: failure to launch
Players fall to deaths after jumping off Larson with broomsticks between legs By Paula Skaggs Harry Potter Beat Reporter
Harry Potter-Mania has once again swept through St. Olaf College – this time leaving six dead and one injured. At practice on Monday, March 26, members of the St. Olaf Quidditch team plunged 12 stories from the top of Larson Hall, all with broomsticks between their legs. “For a moment, it was magical,” said Michael Andrews ’13, chaser and only surviving member of the team. “It truly felt like we were flying, but then we hit the ground.” Andrews noted that as the 2011-12 school year trudged on, members of the team grew increasingly confident of their own magical abilities. The members’ belief in their own powers surged during spring break when the team visited the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios in Florida. “When you’re living, eating, breathing and sleeping all things Hogwarts . . . well, you start to think you’re a wizard yourself,” Andrews said. “And that’s when things can get pretty dangerous.”
Eyewitnesses of the event reported seeing the seven members of the team mount their broomsticks and run off their typical playing field – the Mellby lawn – and into Larson, capes blowing in the breeze behind them. From there, they proceeded to the top floor of the building. The team’s snitch – Michelle Fardi ’14 – was the first to leap out of the window. The rest of the team immediately followed suit. “It was the best game we’ve ever had there for a while,” Andrews said, smiling. “In fact, our seeker, Trent [Puckett ’12], almost even caught the snitch!” Andrews noted that there is a silver lining in all of this. “I guess we just know better for next year, you know? However magical we may feel at the time, in the end, we’re all mere muggles.” In memoriam of the Quidditch ROBIN COLE/MANITOU MESSENGER team, Stav Hall will be tempo- Six are dead and one injured after an accident during Quidditch practice on March 26. The rarily converted once again to team, believing they possessed magical powers, leapt from the 12th story of Larson Hall. Hogwart’s Great Hall.
Confused student attempts to devour baseball left in cafeteria By Ethan Hiedeman Will call you...maybe On Monday, March 26, after playing a game of catch on the quad with his roommate, Alec Tuthrow ’14 went up to the Caf for his first dinner back after spring break. “I was so excited, I didn’t even stop by fireside to drop off my baseball,” Tuthrow said. “I was hoping there would be turkey burgers.” Unfortunetly, there were no turkey burgers, so Tuthrow settled for something exotic-looking from the grains line. He set his ball down on the counter to accept a plate from the Caf worker, but when he reached for his ball, it had disappeared. Lucov Irthare ’15 was discovered minutes later on the second floor of the Caf, poking at the baseball on her plate with a knife. Tuthrow pointed at Irthare’s plate and explained that was his baseball. “That’s my baseball,” he said. Irthare proceeded to frown. “What’s a baseball? I got this in the grains line,” CATIE YOKAN/MANITOU MESSENGER she said. “I just haven’t figured out BREAKING NEWS: At press time, a separate instance of sports equipment being mistaken for cuisine occured in the Caf. Pictured, a female student tries to injest how to get the shell off yet. They don’t a tennis ball, or three. This phenomena is still under investigation. give us sharp enough knives – you can
bet Randy’s going to be hearing from me.” At this point, Tuthrow reached for his baseball, causing Irthare to slap his hand away and call him a “douche.” “Sorry I got the last one!” Irthare shouted. “Take it up with the chefs.” Throwing his hands up in exasperation, Tuthrow left Irthare alone with her meal. When he noticed Irthare leaving the Caf with the uneaten baseball on his plate a few minutes later, Tuthrow went back into the dish room to retrieve it. There, he had to fight it out of the hands of environmental coalition member Beeyon Doyle ’12 who was trying to put it into the composter. “Hmph,” Doyle said after she had been relieved of the baseball. “Well, I’m still counting it as food waste.” The incident has reportedly incited a discussion within the administration about creating a general education requirement related to recognizing the difference between edible substances and sports equipment. “We think this is a valuable skill for life in the modern world,” Provost Marci Sortor said.
Zumba: St. Olaf’s newest sport Cage-fighting now a club sport By Alyssa Lynne Bocce Ball Player Extraordinaire
The Zumba craze has officially reached a new level: As of April 1, students can choose to participate in recreational Zumba or audition for St. Olaf’s newest club sport, the Zumba team, which will compete at fitness centers across the state. Competitiveness has been growing amongst attendees at the Tuesday and Thursday evening Zumba sessions held in Skogland gym as attendance has skyrocketed this semester into the triple digits. As space became scarce, some students began to express a desire to make a more exclusive forum for Zumba and began the application process for Student Government Association funding. One of the founders, Helga Anderson ’13, spoke about her motivation for creating the club in terms of the need for more room. “It’s not fun to shimmy unless I
have at least three feet of personal space in every direction,” Anderson said. “Besides, I want people to see the way I can work my body to Christina Aguilera’s ‘Show Me How You Burlesque’ without Zumba n00bs getting in the way.” The original description of Zumba as a “fitness-party” dance workout for anyone and everyone has some students calling for SGA to rescind the granted funding. “I can clap my hands and hop around to Latin music just as well as everyone else,” said Thor Thorson ’15. “I think this is an attempt to get the male component out of the gym.” Despite the controversy, Zumba team is still set to attend their first competition in St. Paul, “The Pants Off Dance-Off,” over Easter break.
By Paul Cathey Level 32 Orc
Every night on the Hill, you can hear them at practice. The loud screams and grunts, the insults directed at mothers and at body image and the rage sobs are all the result of our newest club sport: cage fighting. The Delionaters, as they are now called, have gone 4-1 in the spring so far. For those unfamiliar with the sport, cage fighting is a contest between two teams of three. Because of an obscure regulation, every school in the MIAC must send the three students who claim the highest GPA in the school. This team, after months of training, faces off against another in the St. Olaf College Cage Cafeteria, sponsored by Bon Appetite. The doors of the cage lock the two teams in. Using the materials and terrain of the Caf and service area, the teams attempt
to temporarily incapacitate one another. When the dust clears, whichever team is holding more mustard packets in their leotards claims the bout. Matches usually last 12 minutes and are divided into the early, middle and late periods. The periods are not set in stone, but they symbolize the three stages the combatants go through, depending on experience. First is the indignant disbelief that the fight is real. Mid-game is a period in which the ambitious attempt to push one another with increasing intensity. After this, the blood rage spikes quickly and then abates into tearful realizations of existential disbelief and shame. This season, we can expect another increase in sponsorship as Old Spice, a male hygiene subsidiary of Proctor & Gamble, has taken the sport on for its 2012 summer, “Rage Your Cage” marketing campaign.
To increase attendance at athletic events, players required to sing By Shannon Cron Rampant MySpace User
Though St. Olaf’s sports teams may be top-notch, the student body remains less than enthused about athletic activities. In hopes of boosting school spirit, Athletic Director Matt McDonald recently implemented “The Sporty Sing-Along” policy, requiring athletes to sing during all practices and games. “It’s a shame that our largest crowd this basketball season was three people,” McDonald said. “Since choir is so popular, singing might be a good way to create a more dedicated fan base.” Alternative solutions were considered, but
music seemed the most logical. “We tried to make attending sporting events part of the ESC general education requirement,” McDonald said. “We’ve also considered making football games a swiped Wellness Event.” Along with academically forcing students to attend sporting events, the athletic department considered downsizing the number of bleachers in the gym to make the fan base appear larger than its true size. “I felt this was the perfect solution, but the idea outraged the choir directors,” McDonald said. Ole Choir Director Anton Armstrong ’78 worried that eliminating space in Skoglund
may detrimentally affect choir members and fans alike. “It’s not my problem that most students are unaware that St. Olaf’s athletic programs exist,” Armstrong said. “Christmas Fest sells out year after year.” With the “Sporty Sing-Along” policy now in place, the athletes’ have increased practice hours. “After overhearing the team sing the chorus of ‘Here I am Lord,’ a music major asked me how rehearsal was,” said basketball player Addy Bates ’14. “I don’t even know what a ‘rehearsal’ is.” So far, the policy seems to be slowly increas-
ing students’ interest in sports. “I discovered we had a hockey team and went to my first game all in the same day,” said Greta Johnson ’14. “The team sounded a bit flat sometimes, but on the whole, I was impressed, especially with their powerful vibrato.” Complete with solos, quartets and full-team numbers, some athletes feel uneasy about the policy, but understand the reasons behind the decision. “It’s hard to use my diaphragm during the last mile or so, I’m pretty out of breath,” said cross-country runner Phil Meyer ’15. “To be honest, I feel a bit out of place, but I’m trying my best. I really am. Anything for the team!”
News
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April Fools’ 2012
MANITOU MESSENGER
Christmas Fest cancelled, lack of interest David Anderson Club By Abby Grosse Claus Junior
You might as well bring your Norwegian sweater stash to Goodwill right now; Christmas Fest 2012 has been cancelled. College authorities cite declining student and alumni interest as the cause of this monumental moment in St. Olaf history. “This was not a decision made hastily. Over the past several years, audience size and enthusiasm have been waning. It’s been a bit awkward, actually,” said Anton Armstrong ’78, St. Olaf Choir conductor. “I just can’t get into the zone
KATIE LAUER/MANITOU MESSENGER
when most of the audience is texting or falling asleep. It feels like I’m teaching an introductory chemistry lecture. After Christmas Fest 2011, I knew that I couldn’t endure that humiliation another year.” President David Anderson ’74 sees this change as an opportunity to reorient St. Olaf ’s mission and update its image. “We are committed to being one of the nation’s leading liberal arts colleges, but up until now, we’ve been lingering in the 20th century. Norwegian immigrant roots? Lutheran identity? Lutefisk? The modern college student couldn’t care less about any of that. St. Olaf sans heritage nonsense will undoubtedly surpass Carleton in the national rankings by 2015.” Students concur that the elimination of Christmas Fest will benefit everyone. “Thank God we’re through with that,” Bjorn Thorson ’13 said. “My grandparents always made me sit through that lame, glorified Christmas pageant. Honestly, people would like it more if they’d just have a big screening of ‘Elf.’ At least that has some entertainment value.” At an emergency meeting of the Board of Regents, Chairman Addison Piper suggested dropping the “Saint” from “Saint Olaf ” to reflect the college’s increasingly secularized culture. “Doesn’t it have nice ring to it? Olaf College?” Vice Chair Larry Stranghoener ’76 suggested spelling Olaf backwards, Falo, to de-Norwegianize the name. A few students have expressed concern over the prospect of losing their annual dose of lutefisk. “I just love it so much, and it makes the cafeteria smell so pungently delicious,” Sally Olson ’12 said. “Once you get a taste for lutefisk, you start to wish that all your food had been soaked in caustic fluids.”
Vegan cookies contain 30 percent pork
rejects new applicant By Shannon Cron Tweetmaster General
While visiting St. Olaf College as a prospective student this past January, David Anderson felt he had found a suitable extra curricular activity: St. Olaf ’s prestigious David Anderson Club. “They were so welcoming,” Anderson said. “I heard someone yell my name, and though it turned out they were trying to get a different member of the club’s attention, it was great to feel included. I mean, the other David Andersons and I already have so much in common. Like . . . our name!” Though recently admitted to St. Olaf as a member of the class of 2016, the David Anderson Club did not extend Anderson the same offer of acceptance. Despite Anderson’s seemingly immediate chemistry with the club, the other David Andersons ultimately decided Anderson would not be a good addition to the budding organization. “I don’t know,” David Anderson ’15 said. “He just didn’t fit in.” When asked his thoughts on the situation, President David Anderson ’74 revealed that the club holds different standards than the college at large. “Well, what do you want me to say?” said President Anderson. “We can’t just let anyone in. This club is not a joke.” The David Anderson Club evaluates incoming David Andersons based on a series of qualifications including future goals, physical appearance (President Anderson admits they are an undeniably attractive group of men) and overall character. But in the end, acceptance to the club comes down to a unanimous consensus from the members. “It’s hard to explain what we are looking for,” Anderson ’12 said. “It’s really a ‘David Anderson’ thing.” Though Anderson fails to gain acceptance from his fellow David Andersons, he still plans to attend St. Olaf College in the fall. “I’m excited for all of the great things St. Olaf College has to offer, though I am a bit nervous in some ways,” said Anderson. “Things could be awkward if I run into a fellow David Anderson while checking my p.o. It’s almost unavoidable.”
PDA speaks without mentioning Main Street By Paul Cathey Master of Innocent Fun
BEN HOVLAND/MANITOU MESSENGER
Outraged vegans rioted in Buntrock when they discovered that their beloved vegan cookies contained 30 percent pork. Cage workers were desperate to increase the cookies’ popularity, so, they added meat.
By Amy Lohmann Hunger Games Champion
Students hoping to get their regular fare from the Cage this past week found their path blocked by a crowd of angry protesters. All that remains at this time is a mangled cash register, a shattered display case and a scarred Cage employee. “We didn’t know the initial cause of the disruption,” said the employee, who wished to remain anonymous. “But when we noticed that all of the protesters were clad in Chacos and carrying reusable lunch bags, we knew that the vegan population at the school finally figured out the secret we’ve been hiding all along.” It has been recently unearthed that the treasured vegan cookies have been spiked with pork to increase sales. It seems that the employees of the beloved coffee shop and bakery observed that the vegan cookies were not the most popular item on the menu. Apparently, the only way to boost their sales was to enhance the treats with a delicious substance. “We tried a variety of flavors to accommodate the vegan diet, soy nuts, flax seed, even leftover grass clippings from mainte-
nance, but nothing worked until we added meat,” the aforementioned anonymous source said. “Those meat cookies started selling like hotcakes.” The change reportedly occurred two or three months ago, and was followed by a surge in cookie popularity. With each batch of cookies selling out within minutes of being placed on the shelves, the campus vegans quickly became suspicious. “We all knew there was something fishy – or should I say porky – about those cookies,” said August Rainstorm ’13, a proponent of the strict diet. “I mean, being vegan is great, but none of our food tastes very good. We only uncovered the secret with the help of a newly-converted vegan who tasted what he believed to be a distinct bacon flavor in the treats. Then all hell broke loose.” As school officials sorted through the ruins of the Cage, they refused to comment on the situation, although several rumors have circulated that missing employees might be the “secret ingredient” in several of the student body’s non-vegan snacks. “Now everyone will either be vegan or live in fear,” Rainstorm mused, declining to comment any further on the matter.
First year employed as own JC
By Amy Lohmann Creepy Townie
It all started in the fall. While preparing for first semester, the Residence Life Office had an especially difficult time rounding up the seasoned students on campus to fill the important positions of junior counselors, particularly when trying to compete with St. Olaf’s newly-created abroad program: Global Shopping Semester. When even the sophomores turned up their noses at the opportunity, the staff knew that the time for drastic measures was upon them. Thus, incoming first year Al Owen received the inconvenient burden of being his own JC in Kildahl Hall. “We figured that some random first year could take on the tasks of a JC,” Pamela McDowell mused. “I mean, isn’t this the kind of ingenuity we expect from our students at St. Olaf? And doesn’t it make sense that the first year should be led by one of their own kind? I half expected one of them to volunteer for the job!” Owen was left responsible for planning the entire
environment for his incoming corridor mates. He was discovered in his own Kildahl corridor, a starkly-lit hallway with awkward decorations and incorrect facts about St. Olaf life littering the bulletin boards. “At first I thought it wouldn’t be that bad, but it turns out I’ve led most of my peers astray,” Owen said. “Who knew that people don’t wear their I.D.’s around their neck, or that Grand dances are definitely not black-tie events?” At first, Owen made several weak attempts to connect with his peers, but without any college experience, the only bonding point he had with the other students was his limited knowledge of alcohol. He showed some signs of potential leadership when he bestowed drink-themed nicknames for everyone. While it seems like a horribly awkward situation, several of Owen’s first years have found him to be a tolerable counselor for their corridor, according to fellow first year Bjorn “Rum ’n Coke” Bjornson. “All of our corridor events have been keggers, so we can’t really complain,” he said.
There was a still hush that descended over the crowd at last Tuesday’s Lunchtime Live broadcast. President David Anderson ’74 was frowning in fear as he stepped away from the webcam and sighed. He then stepped back into his office, closed the door and took a long drag on his pipe. This was the first public address in over seven years in which the president did not make a mention of the Main Street Initiative. The movement was intended to promote a symbolic sense of progress and direction using Tomson Hall as the backdrop for both entering and exiting college gracefully. Discussed instead was the new and controversial Backstreet Initiative. This alternative initiative was first initiated by BORSC research. The board uncovered social research essentially proving that the only way to graduate college and enter the working world is through stealth. “Walk down main street these days and somebody will clock you,” says the BORSC report titled “Entering Career Life as a VIP: The Back Door Approach.” The investigation uncovered the dirty reality of what walking on the post-college Main Street can do to one’s employment odds. The CEL has already taken action, shredding all of its files containing student resumés and internship applications. The president has since admitted that, while disheartening, the best thing the campus can do for its students is to shuffle them down a figurative side street and hand them a note with a password scribbled on it, granting access to the side entrance to the employment world.
Legitimate camper found wearing North Face jacket
KYLE OBERMANN/MANITOU MESSENGER
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“Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is a train.” — Charles Barkley
Features
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April Fools’ 2012
A History Kept Underground MANITOU MESSENGER
By Manitou Messenger Staff 6 /IPP] %½GMSREHSW
Tunnels serve as “underground railroad.” Innocent Carls are smuggled across the Cannon River to the safety and freedom of St. Olaf.
The Jesse James Gang is the first to utilize the tunnels to escape the Northfield towns- people.
Faculty, staff and the occasional student sneak down to the tunnels, a makeshift speakeasy.
1924
1876
1902
Free love advocates found canoodling in the campus shafts.
To protest the schoolwide ban on dancing, social students begin to host weekly sock hops in the tunnels.
The St. Olaf Mining Club requests the tunnels for work- space. No one else is allowed down.
1957
1969
Following the campus’ over- whelming support of democratic presidential candidate Jimmy Carter, College Republicans retreat to the tunnels to form their own society.
Basilisk terrorizes campus with a never ending hiss and a piercing gaze after student opens the Tunnel of Secrets.
As St. Olaf’s reputation grows nationally, more and more students enroll from out-of-state. During the cold winters, those from warmer climates hibernate in the tunnels to avoid the chilling winds.
1983
1995
1976
The Environmental Coalition is grow- ing a compost monster to eat stu- dents who leave their lights on and take long showers.
1948
LARPers expand their territory. With a takeover of the tunnels, they plan to strike Carleton unexpectedly from below.
As the Y2K bug hits, campus tun- nels are stocked from floor to ceil- ing with gluten-free food options for the future.
2007
present day
1999
Calendar of Events March 30th - April 5th Sunday, April 1
Steph Jones’ Birthday All day, Everywhere This is not a joke, people. How would you feel if your birthday was on April Fools’ Day? Oh, that’s a good one– Steph Jones was born today! No. Every life is sacred. Buy her some balloons or something. It’s not that hard.
Monday, April 2
Easter Egg Roll 7:30 p.m., Old Main Hill What could be better than rolling Easter eggs down Old Main Hill? Probably not much. Come prove your egg-racing prowess in the relays or opt to be artistic with the egg decorating contest. In preparation, we recommend that you
practice painting stripes and polka dots and spend your spare time rolling eggs down every available incline.
Tuesday, April 3 Octopus Octet 11:10 a.m., Boe Chapel Is it church, or “The Little Mermaid”? That’s still unclear, so be prepared for both – bring your Bible and your snorkel. This student-led music ensemble will break traditional boundaries between the maritime and the ministerial with their innovative intertwining of Scripture passages and songs about sea creatures. And maybe there will be mermaids.
Wednesday, April 4 Passport Applications 1 p.m., Buntrock 220 If you’re positive you’re not a threat to the government, come to Buntrock this week to renew your passport. Questionnaires include details integral to national security such as, “What is your favorite color?” and “Which Dungeons and Dragons character would you be?” Terrorists, brunettes and Swedes need not apply.
Thursday, April 5
Pocahontas’ Anniversary Celebration 8 p.m., Lion’s Pause Disney convolutes the story, but come party it up this Thursday in memory of
www.manitoumessenger.com
Pocahontas’ alleged wedding to John Rolfe. There will be celebrations of idealized nature and stereotypical Native American snacks. Try to get there early because AmCon students have been camping out for weeks waiting for this.
Thursday, April 5
All-new Issue of the Manitou Messenger In the afternoon, Everywhere Check out the all-new content in next week’s issue of the Messenger. That’s right, there will be news articles that have never before appeared in these pages. You’ll see sports photos captured just for this issue! Events on the calendar won’t even have happened yet.