replaced... Undoubtedly moving to Australia had a huge effect on my daughters. They became teenage girls on Lance Armstrong levels of hormones. Their new powers became too strong for me. Just the other day I was told by my tormentors that I was, and I quote, a ‘basic white dad’. I had been reduced to this, and no longer worthy of their respect. However, the biggest change in my girls was in the area of . . . boys. Let me tell you this: nothing in life prepares you for the first time you see your daughter making out with her first boyfriend. Nothing. This was always going to happen. But nothing prepares you. One day I came home and found Ruby, who had turned fifteen, and a young man lying down—lying down!—together on my couch! It was all too much. We’d gone from no interest in boys to lying down on the couch with them. WTF! Don’t you work up, or down, to that? Did I mention they were lying down? I had to take a knee just to catch my breath. Life had hit me hard. I know she was fifteen, and this was what she should be doing, and enjoying, and . . . but . . . she had her first boyfriend. I always wanted to be one of those cool dads. I thought I would be, because my job is pretty cool. I was interviewing U2 frontman Bono, and we were talking about being dads. I put it to him that he’d actually be that rare thing—a cool dad.
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‘You’d think so,’ he said. Then he told a story about Jay-Z and Beyoncé staying at his home in Dublin. Pretty cool, right? Two of the world’s hottest stars, staying at yours! The bragging rights over your mates would be huge. ‘Your kids must’ve been blown away,’ I said to Bono. He continued his story, saying that at one point during the night, he went to get some more wine and on the way he happened to overhear his fifteen-year-old daughter on the phone. And word for word, this is what she was saying: ‘Yeah, Dad’s in there now, boring the arse off them about third-world debt.’ Then Bono told me: ‘The thing was, Christian, I was boring the arse off them about thirdworld debt.’ Those nights round at Bono’s must really fly. Anyway, this just shows that no dad is cool. Don’t even waste your time trying. A modern dad is a terrified half-man. Scared of screwing up his kid’s self-esteem, and scared he’s being a terrible parent. Pretending to understand TikTok. Us modern dads are caring and sensitive. We read blogs on sugar intake and know that gluten is the most dangerous gateway drug in the world. Our parents weren’t like this. I don’t think I had a glass of water until I was 32. My kids aren’t really that scared of me. They shouldn’t be. Well, maybe just a little bit. But the only thing I have over them is turning off the wi-fi.
