Page F4 • The Jewish Press Magazine • Friday, March 12, 2010
FAMILY ISSUES
Human Nature 101 By Dovid Lieberman, Ph.D.
Find Out Who’s Normal And Who’s Not
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Part 1
e all know the relatively harmless neighborhood character who treats his front lawn like a battlefield choosing to communicate his boundaries to rambunctious neighborhood children by positioning “Keep off the Grass” signs like a squadron of land mines. Is this person capable of hurting anyone? Doubtful. But would we invite him over for dinner? Not anytime soon. Likewise, we’re probably not likely to extend a job offer to the scruffy guy who stands on the street corner every day waving a “The World is Ending Tomorrow” sign. But what about the new plumber, who thirty minutes into the job, decides to open the refrigerator and help himself to a beverage? Or the convenience store cashier we barely know who has the audacity to reach over and drop our purchase into our open purse? He gazes at us defiantly, daring us to say something . . . is he potentially dangerous? If so, to what extent? The cosmos of emotional solvency can be a gray and murky terrain. Sometimes behaviors that seem innocent or even kindly at first glance are, in fact, red flags signaling us that something is wrong.
The world we inhabit is very different from the one our grandparents occupied; it is slowly but surely evolving into a world without borders. Technological advancements are transforming the way we communicate with others, redefining or erasing old boundaries. We’re constantly meeting new people, whether virtually or face-to-face; nowadays we have the capability to conduct business with people on the other side of the planet as seamlessly as if they were sitting in the same room with us. Often, we don’t have time – or don’t take time – to learn what we really need to know about those who we associate with. Yet, assessing the emotional health of the people in our lives has never been more important – even if they’re just passing through. While many of our interactions are fleeting and benign, such as encounters with a waitress or a deliveryman, others may develop into long-lasting friendships or lifelong relationships. And not everyone is as healthy and emotionally stable as they may seem. It’s an unfortunate reality that cannot be ignored. You’ve probably had the experience of making a new friend or acquaintance, only to discover in the ensuing months that something is off about that person. What might appear at the beginning to be just a harmless quirk could in fact be something more disturbing. You’re left knowing that if only you had observed the warning signs from the outset, you would have never become involved with this person. When we allow an individual into our lives – whether it is in a professional or personal capacity – we are placing our trust in them and, as such, are making a decision that can potentially have profound and far-reaching consequences.
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Brody
continued from page F3
then your obligation to your children comes fi rst. The same would apply to an elderly parent who needs intensive medical monitoring-if you are the caregiver, relocation needs to be reconsidered. Assuming that these situations do not present themselves then who moves depends on the best interest of the couple. Which move would best help the couple get the marriage off to a good start? Moving involves a lot of trauma. One who relocates loses friends, contacts and support systems. Getting a job before the marriage is ideal. I have seen many marriages suffer greatly because of the financial strain of relocation. In a shaky economy, many professionals find it hard to find comparable employment in their new community. One needs to assume that the relocating spouse could be out of work for up to two years. Relocation is risky from a career perspective and one should not underestimate the risk. The question then is can the couple make it on one income only for the first 2 years.
A special fund should be set up to be used for transitional costs. This fund is sacred – no reallocation of these funds will be allowed until the transition is sucessful. The fund should be the equivalent of 2 months of anticipated living expenses. Why? This strategy will lessen tension over money because the money is already allocated. You need to give up control of some money in advance of the marriage. The hard decision on how to make up for the shortfall has already been made. Consulting with a professional counselor to work out the details of relocation is a great idea. A therapist who specializes in second marriages can be very helpful in addressing the psychological issues that could affect marital assets and risktaking decisions. A pre-nuptial agreement is essential for secondtimers. Its purpose is to spell out the financial obligations and limitations of each of the parties. It is best if all hard decisions are wrestled with and decided upon before the marriage. A good prenuptial agreement will help the marriage get off to a good start. While it isn’t as easy as dating the boy or girl
If you are concerned about a new relationship, or even an old one, you will no longer need to rely on instincts, hunches or horoscopes. I’ve personally trained the military, FBI profilers and mental health professionals around the world on how to eliminate the guess-work and learn – in person, online, or even over the phone – virtually fool-proof tactics to find out if a person is normal, neurotic or something far more dangerous; and now you’ll learn some of these same tools and be able to assemble a psychological snapshot of almost any individual. The purpose of this series is to help you learn to protect yourself and your loved ones, emotionally, financially and physically, from unstable individuals who will inevitably pass through your life, bearing in mind that the observed may in fact be more stable than the observer. Emotions, thoughts and feelings, after all, are not tangible, but they leave footprints – visible clues. The skilled profiler can assess a person’s emotional health in much the same way that a trained physician can give a patient a once-over and determine, with a degree of reliability, the general physical health of the individual – or at least know to a reasonable degree of certainty whether or not the person is seriously ill. So if you’ve ever wondered . . . • How close is she to snapping? • Is she troubled, or just plain moody? • How will he come through for me in a crisis? • Is she a danger to herself or to others? • Is he going to turn violent? • Can I trust her with my kids? • Is he unstable or just a bit eccentric? • Is my date a genuine and honest person? • Is he just difficult or is he really disturbed? Read this 10-part series and FIND OUT WHO’S NORMAL AND WHO’S NOT! next door, many couples have found the protocols of long-distance dating produced a more targeted and focused courtship and a more sensible and successful marriage in the long run. And when all is said and done, isn’t that what everyone is looking for?
, AETNA
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