THE JOKE’S ON YOU
READERS’ SCRIBES
SOMETHING TO SHARE? SHORTS! IN THIS WEATHER?
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar. The barman says, “Oh no, not U2 again!” What is a web developer’s favourite tea? URL Grey. What do you call a robot that always takes the longest route around? R2Detour. What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet? A desserter.
BAD GRAMMAR
I wanted to marry an English teacher when she got out of jail. But you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
GREEN FINGERS
I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So, when it came time to tidy up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which ones to dig up. Until, that is, my mother gave me this handy tip: “Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed.”
BEST BID WINS
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. Sorry, that’s not the joke, just couldn’t resist. Anyway, he really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid — the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!” “Don’t worry,” said the auctioneer. “ Who do you think kept bidding against you?
KICK CHRISTMAS OFF WITH THESE CRACKERS
Which of Santa’s reindeer has the worst manners? Rude-Olph! How do Christmas angels greet each other? Halo! What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a
I knew this would happen one day.
chimney? Claustrophobia. Why was the snowman rummaging in a bag of carrots? He was picking his nose! What do fish sing at Christmas? Christmas Corals! Who hides in a bakery at Christmas? A mince spy! What’s a snowman’s favourite breakfast? Ice Crispies. What do you call a greedy elf? Elfish How will Christmas be different after Brexit? No Brussels. What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride? Holly Davidson. What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet! What’s the difference between snowman and snowladies? Snowballs. What is red, white and blue? A sad candy cane What do you get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas quacker. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem. What do you call a blind reindeer? I have no eye deer. What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow. Someone took my friends Christmas tree. It’s not fir. Who’s Rudolph’s favourite singer? Beyon-sleigh. What goes ‘Oh, oh, oh’? Santa walking backwards. What’s Jack Frost’s favourite part of the school day? Snow and tell. What’s Santa’s dog’s name? Santa Paws. How did the bauble get addicted to Christmas? He was hooked on trees his whole life. What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Christmas? A rebel without a Clause. What’s an elf’s favourite type of music? Wrap/. Why’s Santa so good at Karate? Cause he’s got a black belt! What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas Eve. What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar? He got 25 days! How do snowmen get around? By riding an icicle. What’s the best Christmas present in the world? A
I went to see a psychic who was in a bad mood.
broken drum, you just can’t beat it! What did the farmer get for Christmas? A cowculator. What carol do they sing in the desert? O Camel Ye Faithful. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles! Who’s Santa’s favourite singer? Elf-is Presley. How did Scrooge win the football match? The ghost of Christmas passed. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited? He keeps a logbook. What do the royal family play at Christmas instead of musical chairs? Game of Thrones. Why are snowmen bad at cricket? They’re always bowling snowballs. Why was the turkey in the band? He was the only one with drumsticks. How do you know when Santa is in the room? You can sense his presents.
RUDOLPH CHAT
One Christmas eve, Pete and Jane were driving their Russian friend Rudolph back to his house. The weather outside was frightful. Jane asked Pete, “Do you think that’s sleet or rain out there?” “It’s rain, Jane,” said Pete. “I think it’s sleet, Pete,” said Jane. Rudolph chimed in, “It’s definitely rain, Jane.” “No, I really think it’s sleet, Rudolph,” said Jane. “Don’t argue with the expert, Jane,” said Pete. “What do you mean, Pete?” asked Jane. Pete replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear.”
LOOK LIKE MORE RAIN DEER…
What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer Mary and Joseph — now they had a stable relationship. What does the Queen call her Christmas broadcast? The One Show. What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker. Why don’t you ever see Santa in hospital? Because he has private elf care.
Then, I saw a clairvoyant who was really grumpy.
I’m just trying to find a happy medium!
FELIX THE COPY CAT 34
DECEMBER 2021-JANUARY 2022 • QUICK PRINT PRO