METAMORPHOSIS:
Celebrity Q-tips in metamorphic transition
by Madeleine Farley
As Tom Hanks awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic Q-tip. He was lying on his hard, as it were, plastic-coated back, and when he lifted his cotton bud head a little he could see his blue torso, long, cylindrical and lubricious, on top of which the bed-quilt could hardly keep in position which was pitifully thin compared to his head and feet, waved helplessly before his eyes.
‘What has happened to me?’ he thought. It was no dream. His room, a regular human bedroom, only rather too small for a Hollywood movie star, lay quiet between four familiar walls. Above the table on which a collection of Academy Awards was on display – Hanks was an actor – hung the picture which he had recently cut out of People magazine and put in a pretty gilt frame. It showed a Q-tip, standing upright and holding out to the spectator a huge Oscar, behind which the whole of his forearm had vanished.
‘O God’ he thought, ‘what an exhausting job I’ve picked on!’
Forrest Gump: Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.
Hooper: I’m not going to waste my time arguing with a man who’s lining up to be a hot lunch.
Alex: Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well. To what do I owe the extreme pleasure of this surprising visit?
Dr. Strangelove: Mein Führer, I can walk!
Holly Golightly: A girl can’t read that sort of thing without her lipstick.
Lester Burnham: You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry: you will someday.
Ron Kovic: People say that if you don’t love America, then get the hell out.
George Hanson: I guess I really tied one on last night. I must have had a helluva good time. I wish I could remember it.
John Merrick: I am not an elephant! I am not an animal! I am a human being! I am a man!
Lolita: I was a daisy fresh girl and look what you've done to me.
Tony Manero: She can dance, you know that? She’s got the wrong partner of course, but she can dance.
Tony Montana: I always tell the truth, even when I lie.
Hana: There's a man downstairs. He brought us eggs. He might stay.
Almásy: Why? Can he lay eggs? Hana: He's Canadian.
Roger “Verbal” Kint: The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.
Big Dan Teague: I'm gonna propose you a proposition!
"Cooler King" Hilts: Wait a minute. You aren't seriously suggesting that if I get through the wire... and case everything out there... and don't get picked up... to turn myself in and get thrown back in the cooler for a couple of months so you can get the information you need?
Luna Schlosser: It's hard to believe that you haven't had sex for 200 years.
Miles Monroe: 204, if you count my marriage.
Ada: What a death! What a chance! What a surprise!
My will has chosen life! Still it has had me spooked and many others besides!
Dorian Gray: If only it was the picture who was to grow old, and I remain young. There's nothing in the world I wouldn't give for that. Yes, I would give even my soul for it.
Mr. X: Well Henry, what do you know? Henry Spencer: Oh, I don't know much of anything.
Grandpa: Losers are people who are so afraid of winning, they don't even try.
Daisy Werthan: What are you doing? Hoke Colburn: I'm tryin' to drive you to the store!
Pussy Galore: My name is Pussy Galore. James Bond: I must be dreaming.
Jake LaMotta: I’m the best, I can take it more than anybody
Nancy: If I asked you to kill me, would you? Sid: I don't know. How would I do it? I couldn't live without ya.
John Van Horne: want you. Dorothy Michaels: I beg your pardon?
Madonna: We shouldn't have any more sex. You should build an altar for me in home and worship it daily, and you call me collect!
Roger
O.
Thornhill: Now you listen here, I'm an advertising man, not a red herring. I've got a job, a secretary, a mother, two ex-wives and several bartenders depending upon me, and I don't intend to disappoint them all by getting myself 'slightly' killed.
Drew: You really think you can surf it for real out there?
Anne Marie: Well, Drew, I dated you, I guess I can do anything.
Bobbie Markowe: I think there’s something in the water that turns us into house-fraus!
Thelma Dickinson: Listen, let's not get caught Louise Sawyer: What do you mean? Thelma Dickinson: Go!
Mahatma Gandhi: An eye for an eye just ends up making the whole world blind.
Don Vito Corleone: Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Tom Ripley: It’s better to be a fake somebody, than a real nobody!
Charles Foster Kane: I run a couple of newspapers. What do you do?
Mr. Blonde/Vic Vega: You Gonna bark all day little dogie? Or are ya gonna bite?
Z: Wow, every worker in the colony is here. Hey, wait a minute. That guys owes me money.
Joshua Leonard: What's that? Is that the Blair Witch? No, it's Heather, taking a piss.
Carl Denham: It’s money and adventure and fame. It’s the thrill of a lifetime and a long sea voyage that starts at six o’clock tomorrow morning.
Mrs. Terrain: There’s been a little complication with my complication.
Antonius Block: Faith is a torment. It is like loving someone who is out there in the darkness but never appears, no matter how loudly you call.
Alex Forrest: Bring the dog, I love animals... I'm a great cook.
Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley: An audience needs something stronger than a pretty little love story. So, why shouldn’t I write of monsters?
Hannibal Lecter: I do wish we could chat longer, but I’m having an old friend for dinner...
E.T.: I’ll be right here...
Forrest Gump (1994) Tom Hanks 7
Jaws (1975) 9
A Clockwork Orange (1971) Malcolm McDowell 11
Doctor Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964) Slim Pickins 13 (1961) Audrey Hepburn 15
American Beauty (1999) Mina Suvari 17
Born on the Fourth of July (1989) Tom Cruise 19
Easy Rider (1969) Peter Fonda, Dennis Hopper 21
The Elephant Man (1980) John Hurt 23
Lolita (1962) Sue Lyon 25
Saturday Night Fever (1977) John Travolta 27
Scarface (1983) Al Pacino 29
The English Patient (1996) Ralph Fiennes 31
The Usual Suspects (1995) Stephen Baldwin, Gabriel Byrne, Benicio Del Toro, Kevin Pollak, Kevin Spacey 33
O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000) George Clooney, John Turturro, Tim Blake Nelson 35
The Great Escape (1963) Steve McQueen 37
Sleeper (1973) Woody Allan 39
The Piano (1993) Holly Hunter 41
The Picture of Dorian Gray 43
Eraserhead (1977) Jack Nance 45
Little Miss Sunshine (2006) Abigail Breslin, Greg Kinnear, Paul Dano, Alan Arkin, Steve Carell 47
Driving Miss Daisy (1989) Morgan Freeman, Jessica Tandy 49 (1964) Shirley Eaton 51
Raging Bull (1980) Robert DeNiro 53
Sid and Nancy (1986) Gary Oldman, Chloe Webb 55
Tootsie 57
Madonna: Truth or Dare (1991) Madonna 59
North by Northwest (1959) Cary Grant 61
Blue Crush (2002) Kate Bosworth 63
The Stepford Wives (1975) Katharine Ross 65
Thelma and Louise (1991) Susan Sarandon, Geena Davis 67
Gandhi (1982) Ben Kingsley 69
The Godfather (1972) John Marley 71
The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999) Jude Law 73
Citizen Kane (1942) Orson Wells 75
Reservoir Dogs (1992) Harvey Keitel, Tim Roth, Michael Madsen, Chris Penn, Steve Buscemi 77
Antz (1998) Woody Allan 79
The Blair Witch Project (1999) Michael C Williams 81
King Kong (1933) Fay Wray 83
Brazil (1985) Kim Greist 85
The Seventh Seal (1957) Bengt Ekerot, Max von Sydow 87
Fatal Attraction (1987) Glenn Close 89
The Bride of Frankenstein 91
The Silence of the Lambs (1991) Anthony Hopkins 93
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982) Henry Thomas 95