Dispelling Myths about Miscarriage to Help Those Who Are Suffering by Joel Feldman If asked, most people would say that the worst possible loss is the death of a child. Our children are not supposed to die before us. The death of a child is a traumatic event and parents grieve that
of themselves or leading a stressful lifestyle. When we suffer traumatic events, we ask ourselves over and over “how could this have happened?” If society believes mothers are responsible, in
loss for the rest of their lives. But what about the termination of a pregnancy because of a miscarriage? Miscarriage refers to the spontaneous loss of a fetus before the 20 th week of pregnancy. Is there any less reason to grieve, or for society to expect parents to grieve less, because the pregnancy was terminated before medical viability? Experts are unanimous in saying that a miscarriage can result in a lifetime of grieving. Most experts also agree that the societal myths surrounding miscarriage often cause mothers to feel shame, isolation and suffer from what has been called “disenfranchised grief.” Disenfranchised grief occurs when a loss is not openly acknowledged or socially supported. Myths about miscarriage result in grieving parents often hearing the following statements:
whole or in part, for miscarriages, it is a given that mothers will also feel that way adding to their shame and reluctance to speak about what happened.
“Everything happens for a reason.” “You can have other children.” “It’s for the best.” “Thankfully, it’s only a miscarriage.” While statements like these may be intended to be comforting they minimize and devalue a very real, painful and overwhelming loss. These statements are reflective of the following common societal myths concerning miscarriage:
Myth #1 – Miscarriages Are Rare Miscarriages are anything but rare as they occur in about 1 in 5 to 6 known pregnancies. But if mothers believe that miscarriages are rare they will be less likely to speak about them, less likely to seek support and less likely to have others offer support.
Myth #2 – Miscarriages Are the Result of Something the Mother Did or Did Not Do Most miscarriages are caused by a developmental problem in the embryo. Contrary to popular belief miscarriages are not caused by lifting heavy objects, expectant mothers not taking care
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Myth #3 – Grief Following Miscarriage Is Short-Lived According to the American Psychological Association, mothers who suffer miscarriages may continue to grieve for years—even after the birth of a healthy child. And research also suggests that men grieve following a miscarriage more than had traditionally been thought.
How we can help those suffering following a miscarriage Once we understand the misperceptions about miscarriage and grief following miscarriage, we can offer support to those who are suffering. Lora Shahine, MD, a reproductive endocrinologist, provides the following suggestions for supporting a friend after miscarriage: J ust be present and listen. Knowing that you are there for them and will listen without being judgmental is sometimes the best that you can do. And although you may not feel you are helping, doing so will likely be immensely helpful to a friend who is suffering. Say something, but avoid uttering clichés or advice. Don’t avoid a friend because it may be uncomfortable. “How are you doing TODAY?” or “I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I am here for you.” are supportive and nonjudgmental statements. Invite them out and don’t take it personally if they say “no”— just keep inviting them out. ffer to do something for them but don’t just ask generally O what you can do, as people tend to decline help. Instead suggest different things that you can do, like shopping, running errands or helping with housework. Lastly, men also suffer and need support. Minimization of the loss following miscarriage is even greater for men than mothers. Helping those who are suffering following miscarriage may at first seem a challenge but doing so can help those who are grieving while being immensely rewarding to those who do offer comfort and support.