with two or three actors daubed in pig’s blood rolling round the stage and screaming their heads off. Trouble was the lion was harmless and looked it. Nae teeth. Could hardly stand. So they had to have a boy in the wings wi’ a long pointed stick poking it up the arse to make it roar. Only the sound was more like a feeble moan — and the pitiful animal never moved. Just stood there, (pause) The public rolled in. (pause) Terrible show, (pause) Stan was the boy with the stick. K a te : He’ll come back home with me — to Australia. J o c k : (sings) I'll take you home again, Stanley, To where the wattle meets the sea. Bollocks! K a te : He needs me. He was looking for someone like me. Stop paddling! J o c k : Gi’ us a touch? K a te : No. J o c k : He’ll dump you, Kate. You wont entice him Down Under. Now me, on the other hand... K a te : Stop it! J o c k : He’s a worker. Ambitious. Eventually you'll be a drag. K a te : He needs me! J o c k : Hell as like. K a te : He'd like Australia; it's beautiful. J o c k : You got out quick enough. K a te : I was young. J o c k : He’d hate it, then? Sunny oblivion. I’ve been there. America’s the place for him. Australia’s for last resorts. Like me. K a te : I don’t believe you. J o c k : Take your clothes off. K a te : No. J o c k : I’ll tell him about the husband. He'll believe me. (pause) He’ll want to. (pause) Come on. Just a look. K a te : (pause) All right, (starts to unbutton blouse). Light change. J o c k : (to audience) Lovely! (sly) Amazing what you can get if you only ask nicely, (pause) Incidently, they’ve asked me back to the Antipodes — dyer like that, pal, ‘Antipodes’? I’ve had an education, yer ken tell. Aye well, I might go. A Cultural Evening in the Bush with Jock McTavish — something like that, something wi’ a bit o’ refinement! (thinks) Aye! (wanders off, muttering) Bagpipe lessons optional, lassies under thirty no charge... Lights up on Stan; practising his comic Running Around The Corner’ technique. Tries it two or three times. Unsatisfactorily. Kate comes in and watches him. K a te : I'm hungry. Stan ignores her. I’m hungry. He still ignores her. As he lines up fo r another run she grabs him by the trousers at the back. Classical comedy restraint. Stanley! S ta n : Cook something. K a te : Why don't you ever do the cooking? S ta n : You're better at it. K a te : No, Em not. I'm a rotten cook. I just do it. You never offer. S ta n : Let's eat out. K a te : No. We’ll stay in. And you can cook. S ta n : (exasperated) What? Cook what? K a te : (smug) Whatever there is. S ta n : (lining up fo r another run) I fancy ham and eggs. K a te : No ham. S ta n : Eggs? K a te : One left. Pause. S ta n : Tell you what. Kate. You go out. Buy some more ham — and some more eggs, bring them back here, and I'll cook them. K a te : No, Stanley. You go out and buy them, bring them back and cook them.
S ta n : Sod it, Kate! That’s not fair! You’ve got to do your fair share! K a te : You don’t! I cook and clean and rehearse and perform. S ta n : I rehearse and perform. A nd I manage the act. A nd I think up the material. A nd I direct it all. All you’ve got to do is follow me, do the chores, and give me time to work on the gags. K a te : Why? Why should I? S ta n : Because if you don’t, there'll be no gags and no act. We’ll be out of work. On the Bowery. K a te : There you go! If you don’t think up the gags, there'll be no act! I think up material as well! S ta n : When? What? K a te : The hopping gag. S ta n : We couldn't use it. K a te : You wouldn’t use it. S ta n : Sod it all to hell, Kate! It wasn't funny! It wouldn't have worked. K a te : You din’t try it. How do you know? S ta n : Experience. K a te : What experience have you got of kangaroos? S ta n : Don’t be stupid! K a te : Don’t you call me stupid! S ta n : It is stupid! And you know it. You're just being awkward. K a te : (obstinate) No, I'm not. Kangaroos are a novelty. A new twist. It would have been funny. S ta n : Kangaroos aren’t funny, they’re grotesque. K a te : Only in your opinion. S ta n : Opinion based on experience, Kate! On training and know how and nouse! On working with Charlie and Fred Karno! On seeing Dan Leno and Little Titch! K a te : Boring, boring! I’ve heard it all before. S ta n : But you haven’t bloody well listened, have you! (pause) (calmer) Look, Kate. Of course I'm not saying that kangaroo's can’t be funny. You can get a gag out of almost anything if you do it right, if you do it with taste... K a te : (mocking) Taste! Taste! Stick a carrot up me bum and call me Bertie! S ta n : You know what I mean. K a te : No I don't. It was a good idea. Jock thought so. S ta n : I don’t believe that. Not Jock. Unless he was feeling you up again.
K a te : He doesn't! I don’t let him! Pause. Exchange o f glances. S ta n : They always remind me of rats... K a te : You don’t know a good idea when you see one... S ta n : Kangaroos...ugh...(shudders) K a te : We could have had two pouches and big
tails and funny feet... S ta n : I saw some in London Zoo before we sailed... K a te : And we could have hopped to that song...what was it? S ta n : Winter. It was wet. Two bedraggled rats sitting in the corner of a cage... K a te : (sings) We’re two roos, got no shoes (hops) Hop! Hop! Hop! S ta n : Sit down, Kate! K a te : (sings) If you stick things in my pouch You’ll make me cry out ouch... S ta n : For God’s sake, Kate! K a te : What? S ta n : Shut up! K a te : What have you got against kangaroos? S ta n : They’ve got no style; they’re clumsy. K a te : That's all you know. You haven't seen them in the bush. S ta n : And I don’t intend to. That’s one thing you can be absolutely sure of. Get cooking! K a te : Get cooking yourself. S ta n : Ham and eggs please. K a te : No ham! S ta n : Eggs then! K a te : One left. S ta n : I’ll have it. K a te : Right. Breaks it over Stan’s head. S ta n : They're flying low tonight. Blackout. ‘R oad to Gundagai' veryfast. Jock is on. J o c k : Kerist! It’s you lot again! You don’t change much, do yer? Not much change out of you since I was last here. What's that pal? (looks down at sporran, now somewhat the worse for wear) My wee, furry friend? Ah, the moths have been at it. I'm fightin’ a losing battle there. I've tried stuffin' it wi' wee white balls but it's no use, fightin’ a losing battle, and that’s a fact. (Takes a swig) Now where are we? Let’s see? Nineteen Fourteen. That's where we are. The great year. Year of years. Annus mirabillus — as the Greeks say. Annus mirabillus — that’s me!
Colette Mann (Kate Laurel), Ron Challinor (Stanley Jefferson) in the MTC’s production of Gone With Hardy. T H E A T R E A U S T R A L IA N O V EM B E R 1978
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