6 | Thursday, March 17, 2016
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It’s a Dog’s Life By Scoop Bellune
You Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
Jay Leno on Pet Scams A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
The Truth About Puppies Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.
Honest Brand Slogans Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation.” Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.” CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.” Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.” ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.” Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”
Unintelligent Design
It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”
Bullseye Don’t get upset if I ask you where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.
No Dumb Questions (Except This One) Just before the final exam in my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me. “Can you tell me what grade I would need to get on the exam to pass the course?” he asked. I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.” “OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”
How Did You Know The War Was Over? My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?” He replied, “When they stopped shooting at me.” Lynette Combs, Norfolk, Virginia
Fluent in Ink I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos. Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple.
A Classic Conundrum
Misreading the Signals
I’m trying to get into classical music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands. Dan Burt, on humorlabs. com
My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!”
Why You Should Make Love Once A Year A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked— this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
When Siri Slips After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.” Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a hasbeen to support.”
Misfortune Cookie After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
Bad Things to Tell Your Wife A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years. “Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked. “Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”
Might Be The Wine Talking… A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.” “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband. “It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”
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Confessions of a Military Wife My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him: • The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day. • I could have as many babies as I want because giving birth is free. • He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone.
And The Lord Separated His Paper From His Plastics… My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the resurrection of Christ. “What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response, so she gave her students a hint: “It starts with the letter R.” One boy blurted, “Recycle!”
Chemistry In The Soup Kitchen While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”
• Never try to tell everything you know. It may
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take too short a time. —Norman Ford • Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. — Shirley Maclaine • Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top. — Dave Barry • Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. You may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck • Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding • Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin Crisp
Notable Never-isms
Leg Strength Link ed To Brain Healt Having stronger leg h s may help your bra age healthier, acco in rding to a recent study of 324 healthy fem ale twins ages 43 to 73. Researchers found that greate r leg strength at the sta rt of the study wa s associated with bette r cognition and bra in structure 10 years later, and was a be tter predictor of brain health than any oth er Roberta P. Vining lifestyle factor. Also, the team’s research suggests that jus Pharmacist t walking to increa se leg strength and spee d may help maint ain brain function as we age. This study only proves an associa tion not causation ; more research is needed.
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