With Time, Comes Regrets by lesyeuxdequynh

Why sparklers? It’s all over the cover page, and it’s a constant motif throughout this whole zine. Let me tell you why.

Playing with sparklers reminds me of the good old days when I was a young kid. During the New Year, and Lunar New Year Celebrations, I would always run down to the empty parking lots nearby my family home in Singapore that I lived and grew up in, to play with sparklers. The dimly lit spaces outside of the tall buildings surrounding me everywhere, were always occupied by kids of all different ages playing with sparklers and their parents looking on fondly, with the occasional wariness of the sparks flying everywhere. Thinking of simpler times back then, I miss the days when what I feared most was missing the airing episode of ‘Wizards of Waverly Place’ on the television while I was busy playing outside, or asking for help with my Mathematics homework from my parents. I still shudder when I recall the times I needed help with my homework, which always ended in tears. As time passes by and I grow up, I feel more fearful for what the future has in hold for me, and whether I am truly ready to be an adult.

I think it’s a given, that as time passes by living in this ‘new normal’, we have all become more introspective and nostalgic of how life was before the pandemic, or when we were younger. Personally, I have become more regretful of not appreciating the little things in life more, like breathing in fresh air everyday without a mask.

If you were to reflect on yourself in the past, would there be anything you would want to change?

What do you miss the most before the pandemic struck? “Travelling around the world, for sure.” “Getting day-drunk at brunch with my friends.”

“The simpler life of being a kid.” “My summer job, because I always made so many good memories there.” “Dim-Sum.”

“Being worry-free of the future.”

“My mother.” “Hanging out with all my friends at school.” “Going for karaoke and clubbing with a big group of friends.”

How Do Regrets Affect Us? Regret can linger for the rest of your lives, if you let it. If only. Those words will always be at the back of your mind, while you reminisce your past decisions, and reimagine the life an alternative choice could have led you to. After all, regrets are the stuff that propel tragic books or films that we consume.

Dryden believes it requires a shift of our mindset to do so. “It is the enemy-of-learning,” he adds on. Having an inflexible mindset filled with uncertainties would prove detrimental, such as lamenting, “I absolutely should have done this.” It would be better to adopt a more flexible frame of mind, like askWhat does it mean to regret something, exactly? In ing yourselves, “I wonder why I didn’t do that?” In the Cambridge Dictionary, it is defined as, “the feel- doing so, you would be giving yourself more space ing of sadness about something sad or wrong about for acceptance and compassion. a mistake that you have made, and a wish that it could have been different and better.” Everybody Despite the pain, being able to feel regretful is a has experienced regret at least once in their lives. gift. Lamenting and feeling remorseful for your It could be the little things in your life, like making own mistakes can lead us to be a better version of the choice to not purchase that limited edition figure ourselves, and is a sign of life meaningfully lived. you saw last week, to the significantly bigger choic- Without feeling regret and remorseful, it would be es, like having the regret of not spending more time self-destructive to continue without any insight, and with your loved ones. cause harm to the people around you. It has been well-known to be potentially incapacitating to one’s mental health and it won’t be strange to hear that people even seek out therapy, because they are plagued by regret and are unable to live out their lives because of it. In an interview by the Guardian with David Morgan, a psychoanalyst from the Institute of Psychoanalysis, he says that various people who come to visit him, describe their kind of regret as ‘paranoid and persecutory.’ His patients tend to beat themselves up for their decisions, which is incredibly damaging to their own mental health. A cognitive behaviour therapist, Windy Dryden, says that when one is stuck in this cycle of regret, we only seem to be able to blame ourselves for what has happened, rather than seeing our behaviour in a wider context and understanding why we took the path we made based on our circumstances at the time. Gone unchecked, our regrets will become toxic to ourselves. But strangely, regret can also propel you to be the best version of yourself. Wouldn’t it be better if you process regret as a way to move forward towards a better future, rather than a metaphorical stick to constantly beat ourselves up about it?

It’s time to view regrets as an opportunity to do things differently next time, rather than a signal to give up. Feelings of pain, loss and disappointment are all a part of being alive, and they can be survived.

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” - Sydney J. Harris

A Loved One Losing a loved one is painful, to say the least. Despite the nature of your relationship with a loved one who has recently passed, you would undoubtedly feel a empty space in your heart, and ponder if your time together with them has been wellspent.

13 Sarah is a close friend of mine from Singapore, that I have grown up with since my secondary school days. She’s sweet, and academically excels both in both inside and outside of school. Despite her rocky childhood, she perseveres through the hardest of tribulations, and pushes on. Thank you for sharing your story with me! Tell me a little bit about your early years. I grew up in my early years with a father that I could hardly remember, and my mother who was a mistress. I was an illegitimate child. My father lived with my mother for about three years, with me and my siblings, despite being already married to his first wife and having three children. At the mere age of three months, I was sent to a caregiver, covered in dried milk. Least to say, my caregiver was shocked at the sight of me.I stayed with my caregiver until I was eight, before I was sent back to my mother. Before I moved back “permanently”, I had gone back and forth to both of my parent’s places - spending festive occasions with my father’s family and the weekends at my mother’s. In the midst of all this, there was an ongoing lawsuit for my custody between both my parents. The times I spent with my father were undoubtedly happier, and I liked spending time with his family. I was able to get along well with my older siblings, and they were very welcoming of me. In comparison, I hated spending time with my mother. I dreaded going back, and whenever I had to go there, my caregiver had to lie to me by saying I was not going home, and I always burst out into tears upon seeing the entrance of the apartment building.

Eventually, it was decided that I would be sent back to my mother, and I was forced to cut contact with my father, which I still regret to this day. I’m sorry you had to go through that. What was it like staying with your mother? I stayed with her for about three years. During that period, I have done things that I am not proud of, but it has made me who I am today. When I was 10 years old, I was curious and asked why she decided to send me away instead of my other siblings. My mother told me it was simple: I was a jinx. I was the sole reason that caused my father to pack up and leave. That's harsh. Definitely. Growing up, I realized more and more every day, that she disliked me. It was clearly evident in her actions like favouring my other siblings and neglecting me. It was to the point where she didn't realise I was always skipping school, by hiding at home for a week. She only realised when my teacher called to check in on my absence. For my PSLE examinations, I had not done well in my examinations and my caregiver decided to give me the option of living with her again for my future studies, and my own well-being. Was secondary school better for you? I would say it was definitely a time to remember. My time in secondary school was eventful, and there were so many ups and downs. I began to excel in school academically and I was part of the Student Council. I wouldn't have imagined it. But, hospitals were my next best friend. I had missed out my first half of Secondary One, being

on hospital leave, and I spent the majority of my time in Secondary Four and Five in the hospital, due to appendicitis and Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). That’s a whole rollercoaster… Were your parents by your side during this ordeal? Most of the time, it was my caregiver…My father was mostly by my side in Secondary Four and Five. My mother often told me hospitals were a waste of money, which was why I never approached her. My father was undoubtedly more supportive, and I was grateful, because I remember one time, he stayed with me until 4 in the morning, waiting for my CT scan results, even though he had a business flight at 6. How did you feel during this whole ordeal you were at the hospital? It was really tough, contacting my father during this period. I was not used to the fact that I had an actual father other than my caregiver's family, and I couldn't call my own biological father, 'dad' or 'daddy'. They were just choked up in my throat.

Do you still keep in contact with your father? Recently, I received a message from my step-sister saying, "Dad had a heart attack." My father passed away suddenly, and least to say, I was in shock. I was in denial the first few hours, and when I had finally received an update, it was regarding a funeral for my father. I wanted to break down. Ironically, I was planning to mend the bond with my father because there has been so much bad blood between my family and his family that I was uncertain of where I stood. I wasn't even sure I was welcomed at his funeral, and I was filled with regrets. What do you regret the most? The biggest regret I have is not “patching” things up with my father sooner. I was given multiple opportunities, even if they were in unpleasant situations. I had a chance to call him ‘Dad,’ a word I barely had the chance to use. I should have been more conscientious in showing I wanted a relationship with him, and checked in more. But now he’s gone, and my chance just flew out the window without any warning signs.

“We should regret our mistakes and learn from them, but never carry them forward into the future with us.” - Lucy Maud Montgomery

Growing Pains

Without pain, there can be no growth. Regrets are similar to growing pains, in the sense that you learn as you grow up. It's all a part of life, and it's nothing to be afraid of. Everyone goes through it, and we all mature as we go through the ups and downs of life. TW: Mention of self-harm

19 Kim Trinh is a second-year Law, Society and Justice student at Dawson College, and a close friend of mine. She's an outgoing, bright welcoming soul who was my first friend in Montreal, and is unafraid to be true to herself. Just like many others, she struggles with her mental health, and is often introspective about her past. Hello Kim! Tell me a little bit about yourself. Alright. I’m a 19-year-old Canadian-born Vietnamese girl, and I love to tinker around with many things, baking and sewing - anything involving my hands to be honest. I consider myself to be pretty funny and cute. Do you look back in the past often? I’ve never really thought too much about the past unless it’s times I’ve been feeling quite depressed. Growing up, I battled some pretty severe bouts of depression, and I still do, so my memories of myself in the past weren’t very warm and fuzzy. But, it wasn’t all negative. What period of your life do you miss the most? I miss the memories I had when I was eight-years-old. My oldest brother was still living downstairs in the same household as my family, and I was doted on the most since I was the youngest. I would say the best memory I have, was my family’s trip to Vietnam. I still remember vividly how we saw a beach while driving back to the city, so we just parked the car and went down to the beach. I was still at the age where I didn’t need a bathing suit, so my mom just let me play in the sand in Winnie the Pooh underwear that was too big for me. I remember getting so much sand in my underwear that it even sagged. I still have the picture of me playing at the beach.

How do you feel whenever you look back now? That’s funny, because the other day, I found an album full of old pictures before I was ten. I looked so happy and innocent, that it made me tear up. I realized after I turned 10, I started noticing my appearance a lot more so I stopped taking pictures. Everything was so simple, no school, no parental expectations, no personal expectations, just purely enjoying life. I’m sure you’ve had a melancholic memory that has influenced you as a person. Could you share one experience? I had a really good friend from secondary school. Sadly, we’re not friends anymore, but I still cherish dearly and wish nothing but the best for. I miss her sometimes. Not the ‘eat-ice-cream-and-listen-tosad-songs-sobbing’ type of missing, but the nostalgic kind whenever I eat a certain food. I now understand why the friendship ended and see that it’s for the best, but sometimes you never realize how good you had it until it’s gone you know? But all is well, it helped me mature into a better person, which was necessary. I felt hopeless at first, but I have some great friends now who all care for me and love me a lot. Even one of them is writing this article about me, right? *winks* That’s sweet, Kim. How do you think regrets have influenced you as a person? Hm, that’s a tricky question for me if I’m being honest. I generally try to not regret things too much, unless it ends up hurting someone other than myself. When it comes to myself, I usually regard it as experiences that help me grow, even the little bouts of depression I have at 4 in the morning, and that led me to even harming myself.

How do you think you've grown as a person? I've gotten more mature, and I communicate better for one. I don't keep my feelings balled up anymore, and I'm not selfish about it. I don't solely put the fault on others anymore, and if something bothers me I'll communicate it instead of keeping it inside to myself. I've also become more accepting of myself, which I am proud of. When you look back at yourself in the past, do you think you’d be proud of her today? I used to feel sadness and shame looking at my own scars. It was a reminder of how scared I was emotionally. It made me feel as though I deserved all of the misfortune that came my way, because I was weak enough to harm myself before trying to help myself. But presently, I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t feel shame or sadness looking at it, but instead, they just look like scars. Everyone has scars with all different types of natures. I’ve already accepted the nature of mine. When you hear the phrase, 'Growing Pains', what do you think of immediately? To me, I think of the growing pains associated with the pain you have growing up. Like sometimes, you know when you get up from bed when you were younger, and your knees just ache because you're growing taller? It just feels like something natural, like making mistakes and learning from them. It's something that's just inevitable, and everyone goes through it. There's no point in feeling shame or regret when thinking about your regrets, because, "C'est la vie!"

Yours sincerely,

Julia Quynh Noordin.