A warning to parents

I’d like to say thank you for reading this; but in reality, you should be thanking me!

I’m about to uncover the complete and utter pains of raising a teenager in today's modern age… blegh! First of all, if you hadn’t had enough of all that screaming and brattiness: get ready for a different type of pain, one that’ll include hormones, woof, I know. Second: these reckless brats will have absolutely no regard towards how you feel about their actions, they think they know everything when in reality, they’re complete idiots.

Now that we’ve dealt with the more broad scale of issues on teens: please, allow me to enlighten you on the more intricate and detailed issues most teenagers face. For starters, you’ll find them complaining about their mental health almost every conversation you have with them.

Second, their hormones are an absolute mess. These losers can laugh with their friends one minute, next, you hear them crying in the nearby Mcdonald's bathroom stall! You thought that was it? No. Give them too much freedom, you have successfully moulded a dropout by hand! Give them too little? You’ve carried a kid within your womb for 9 months just for them to hate you. Spectacular! It’s a lose-lose situation!

"How is my teen going to turn out?” you ask. Hah, get ready for this: either they turn out the academic type wearing glasses and having braces and buck teeth entertaining absolutely no social life as god forbid they ever not study for longer than 5 minutes or you’ll get a little delinquent, with little to no respect for you (or anyone for that matter), running around participating in teenage tomfoolery and next thing you know, you end up with a call from the local canton jail with your “know-it all” teen crying on the phone pleading for forgiveness!

Eh, it’s not always lose-lose. These outcomes aren’t inevitable. Teens tend to think their parents absolutely detest their teen children with every fibre in their being despite providing them with, oh you know, shelter, food, clothing, medical care, protection, yadda yadda yadda. So to fulfil these monsters’ requirements and needs, to just reach their very cusp of satisfaction: provide them with love, acceptance, and care. Give them boundaries (but don’t exceed sensible boundaries) to build trust and establishment between the two of you. Teach them lessons and advice that they can carry on their conscience for the rest of their lives. Help find them a passion, watch a movie with them! All these little things help raise an adult with nothing but love and desire for reimbursement towards you. Regardless, many teens grow up without any of that anyway and they turn out just fine. So what can we take away from this? Wear protection. Thank you for reading!

Assem Karameh

Fondue

What better way is there to celebrate a day of skiing with your friends in the mountains of Crans-Montana than gathering round a steaming caquelon of fondue?

Fondue Factfile

Fondue is the feminine passive past participle of the French verb “fondre” - 'to melt'.

Earliest known recipe: "Käss mit Wein zu kochen" - 'to cook cheese with wine' in 1699.

1981 fondue adverts invented the following catchphrases: "La fondue crée la bonne humeur" 'fondue creates a good mood' and "Fondue isch guet und git e gueti Luune" (Swiss German for 'fondue is good and creates a good mood' – abbreviated as "figugegl")

Although we now associate fondue with the mountains, when it was first invented the luxurious Gruyere cheese would have made it too expensive for most mountain villagers. Only the rich city-dwellers would have been able to afford it.

Thanks to intense promotion of fondue by the Schweizerische Käseunion during and following the second world war, fondue has become the symbol of swiss unity.

Almost every Swiss region has its own fondue. Valais is famous for tomato fondue, which reflects its close relationship with Italy.

Fondue has been modified to suit international tastes, e.g. with added curry powder in India and with tequila and corn in Mexico.

Even though wine is a liquid, the acid and ethanol in it actually decrease the fondue's viscosity (make it thicker).

Lemon juice is often added to prevent fondue from curdling (the protein separating from the fat and turning lumpy and wet, like cottage cheese).

The leftover layer of crispy cheese at the bottom of the caquelon (pot) is called “la religieuse” (the nun) and should be taken out and eaten like a cracker.

Convincing vegan fondue can be made using a range of tasty ingredients including cashew nuts, tahini, yeast flakes, miso and white beans. Google “vegan fondue recipe” to try one out!

Both wine and black tea are said to aid with the challenge of fondue digestion.

Many lactose-intolerant Swiss people carry pills for lactose intolerance in case of last minute invitations to eat fondue or raclette!

Dropping your bread in the pot is traditionally penalised with a funny forfeit such as telling a joke, singing a song, kissing the person on your left/right or running outside naked in the snow!

Link to a recipe for Valais Tomato Fondue

Link to a recipe for vegan fondue