October 2012 - Le Nurb
B R U N EL
U N I V ER S I T Y ’S
ST U D EN T
M AY 2 012 ISSUE 8
BRUNEL SU RANKED 4TH IN THE COUNTRY
N E WS PA PER
w w w.lenur b online.c om
LOCK IN? mOre LIKe squash IN!
THE SEX FILES: BRUNEL TALKS CASUAL COPULATION 09
Thousands of students rushed to the Chimes on Tuesday 16th October to attend its first ever ‘Student Lock In.’ The shopping centre was packed with students as soon as the doors opened at 7.30, with queues stretching up the road. The ‘Lock in’ was part of a nationally organised event, exclusively for students, where they could enjoy discounts in a wide range of shops. Continued on Page 3...
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Le Nurb - October 2012
This Month... 04
Submissions Simply put, if you’re a current Brunel student, you can write for Le Nurb. There’s a few things to bear in mind:
YOUR ARTICLE - Your article should be saved as a Word document (.doc or .docx). - Its filename should contain your name, student number, and a suggested headline. - We don’t accept PDF, Works (.wps), OpenOffice (.odt), Pages (.pages) or other formats. - Publisher files (.pub) are particularly horrific, beastly things. Please don’t send any, ever, or Heather will cry. - It may sound obvious, but please run a spellcheck before you submit your article!
08 UNION NEWS Elections
09 FEATURES Serious stuff
- If you like, you can suggest specific images for your article, or take your own photograph and include it with your submission. They’ll need to be separate .jpg or .png files. - Don’t embed your images into the article document - this compresses them too much for use on the page. - Any image filenames and image credits (who the photographer is) should be listed at the end of your article. - Images you submit must not be copyrighted by another individual or organisation. - Please don’t just nick pictures off Google Image Search (we can’t use them 99% of the time!) please use Flickr Creative Commons instead.
What’s on this month...
19 CULTURE ... and something about Spain
26 HAPPY HOUR Got issues? Do as Daisy Does.
28 SPORT What happens on a Wednesday, if you’re not in bed.
The Team This month’s team question was... what is your favourite scary film eDIT Or IaL
Editor Bess ‘Snow White’ Browning Deputy Editor Amy ‘Hocus Pocus’ Blackford Ben ‘The Snowman’ Moxey Chief Designer Heather ‘The Jungle Book’ Park Chief Sub-Editor Amanda ‘Donnie Darko’ Hill Media Chair Tom ‘Helvetica’ Scott Online Editor Matt ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’ Smith NeW s
News Editor Daisy ‘The Shining’ Adamson Sub Editor Vanessa ‘’ Gibbs FeaT u res
Features Editor Aaron ‘Scream’ Brown Sub Editor Sophie ‘The Eye’ Jones CuLT u re
YOUR CONTACTS Enquiries, advertising & complaints Bess - email@example.com Design queries and feedback Heather - firstname.lastname@example.org News articles Daisy - email@example.com In-depth articles on a given topic Aaron - firstname.lastname@example.org Reviews and Culture articles Ollie - email@example.com Everything sport-related Paul - firstname.lastname@example.org
Contributors Le Nurb would like to thank the following people for contributing an article to this months issue. If you see them, give them a hug. Nirvana Ramtirat Stephanie Wareham Simi Sagoo Daisy Brown Daniella Nzekwe Lesley Mensah Claire Payne Chinelo Ada Ude Donald Thomson Toby Berriman
Culture Editor Ollie de ‘Silence of the Lambs’ Kretser Sub Editor Lily ‘’ Woods sPO r T
Sport Editor Paul ‘Toy Story 3’ Round Sub Editor Xenia ‘Macbeth’ Rimmer DesIg N
Deadlines The deadline for Issue 3 is Monday 19th November
Sanah Shaikh Veronica Grubb Max Serjeant Sophie Hart Dianna Reid Charlie Lockhart Will Moss James Alder Grace Witherdon Tramika Blackwood Lesego Tlhabi
Advertising Le Nurb is distributed eight times a year, across campus, to a network of 16,000 staff and students. We offer great rates to advertisers, plus free advertising for oncampus clubs, societies and discounted rates for on-campus organisations.
Thomas Topham Kelly Taylor Lucy Meredith Lisa Boyles Christopher Mollard Alice Trotter Gilbert Lewis Sam Lidlow
Designers Robert ‘Barney’s Great Adventure’ Hunt Matthew ‘One with nothing scary’ Smith Josephine ‘28 Days Later’ Brough Vicki ‘Brain Dead’ Thompson Alex ‘’ Millington Jo Barnard Enya Williams PhOT Ogra P hY
Adil Khan ‘Scary Movie’ Deshmukh
Find out more at www.lenurbonline.com or via the Editor. To book an advertising slot for December, call Bonnie Crate on 01895 267215.
All articles and pictures © their respective authors unless otherwise indicated. Views expressed are those of the writers and do not reflect the official position of UBS or Brunel University. All comments and complaints about content in Le Nurb should be addressed to the Editor in the first instance: email@example.com. Complaints will only be entertained where it can be proven that an article or graphic is: factually inaccurate; breaches the Press Complaints Commission’s Editors’ Code of Practice; breaches the National Union of Journalists’ Code of Conduct; breaks the law; or encourages readers to break the law. No complaint that fails to satisfy at least one of these criteria will be upheld. Published by: Union of Brunel Students, Kingston Lane, Uxbridge, UB8 3PH. Printed by: Harmsworth Printing Derby, Northcliffe House, Meadow Road, Derby, DE1 2BH.
recycling always reads www.lenurbonline.com
October 2012 - Le Nurb
News In Brief...
editor’s Letter BESS BROWNING Editor 2012/13 Wow! I can’t believe we are already on our second issue of Le Nurb! It’s been a month since Freshers arrived on campus, and what a month it has been! To start it off with a bang, Fresher’s week was an absolute blinder! All the contacts and everybody else involved worked so hard to make it a great week, despite the constant downpour! I hope everybody new at Brunel has settled in and your fellow Brunelians are making you feel right at home. For all returners, I’m sure the hard work has started – I’ll be seeing you in the library! So what’s new this issue? Brunel has a fantastic new Subway on campus, which despite the first minor issue of running out of bread (LOL!), it hasn’t stopped the queues flooding out of the door. Let me know what you think of all the new eateries on campus, including the new menu at Locos and the new Costa. For Le Nurb, our newest, most exciting venture is the website. If you haven’t seen it yet, get your butt online! We are trying our best to keep you constantly updated with all the latest news, Brunel sport results and fixture times, as well as lots of interesting articles to read in both Features and Culture. You can also take part in our weekly poll which tackles a controversial subject – It’s your chance to have your say and we
can’t wait to hear it! I must thank our online editor, Matt Smith, for all his devotion to the site – his hard work has definitely paid off. If you’ve got any suggestions for the website, we are open to new ideas so give us a shout! Brunel will again host a brilliant night of fire-work displays on November 5th. Le Nurb will be uploading all the latest ticket information on to our brand spanking new website so get on there quick! Our centrespread has all the info of the night, but for this issue we are also celebrating Movember and Halloween – take a look on page 15. We want to keep you readers occupied, so we are trying to produce as much new and exciting stuff as possible! So another addition to the paper is an Agony Aunt section. Now some of you may know our Daisy but if you don’t, you will now. Her new column ‘Do as Daisy does’ will reveal her answers to common student problems! From sex to drugs to friendships to careers, this lady has a solution for every predicament! That’s all for now, but I hope you enjoy the issue. And if you’re not so keen, it will work as a brill firelighter on Guy Fawkes Night.
Continued from page 1
Shops such as Topshop and H & M were offering 20% off with French Connection giving a free gift with every purchase over £50. Managers at the Chimes believed the event to be a success. Amanjeet Gill, who is doing work experience at the Chimes said ‘the lock in was great, the Chimes had 3000 students who attended and I don’t think they expected such a big turnout but they are glad so many people went along and joined in the fun, ‘‘a lot of work was put into the event so students know that there are things going on in their local town and don’t have to travel too far out.’ As well as Brunel students, the event was open to local colleges and Bucks New University.
Subway Not On A Roll?
Please Come To Academy Soon
In a rather embarrassing moment, the opening day of Subway was damaged when the shop ran out of bread. The new on campus facility was closed between 12.30pm and 2pm whilst they restocked. Technically, this was lunchtime that Subway was closed too.
A 6 year old girl has entered the Guinness Book of World Records for being the worlds youngest DJ. Amber Jacobs, from Worcestershire, began her DJ career on her father’s radio show at TBFM Online earlier this year. She played at The Swan Inn on October 28th to achieve her record.
Weather Permitting It has been 25 glorious years since Michael Fish made his infamous wrong weather report. Back in 1987, he told viewers ‘not to worry’ about an incoming hurricane just hours before the worst storm since 1703 occurred that caused almost £2 billion worth of damage and 18 people were killed. Mr Fish was given the opportunity to redo his report this month.
Imagine Your Funeral
A Batcave For Kids
John Lennon’s hit song, Imagine, has been banned by many funeral homes due to it being deemed ‘in poor taste’. Newly released research shows songs are out playing hymns at funerals now by 2-to-1 and some comical songs are even being used. These include Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life and even the Countdown theme.
2 men from America have spent over 400 hours and 20,000 Lego bricks to build a scale version model of the Batcave. The model, which made its debut at the Emerald City Comic Con, includes replicas of the Batmobile, Batbike and even Alfred. A user commented that the model was still missing a mansion on top.
A Checkout Degree
May The Smallest Win
Morrisons have launched their first ever degree at Hull University. The course, which is a part time foundation degree in supermarket relations, has been nicknamed ‘Morrisons Academy’ and already has over 100 applicants. Morrisons say they are using the course to grow future leaders of the company.
A Danish website has launched a competition to find out who has the smallest penis in their country. Men are encouraged to send in a picture (alongside a tape measure of course) to the website. Organisers say it is a ‘true battle of manliness”. The winner will not only receive an iPhone but also be shamed for life.
20 different locations across the country- 3 in London- offered students the opportunity to snap up discounts. Some students however, were unimpressed with the long queues to get into the venue. Jordi Gumbrell said ‘we wanted to go but when we got there the queue was too long so we just went home.’ The shops themselves also had high levels of people trying to make the most of the one off discount day. In H& M, a shop which does not usually offer discount, the queue for the till went the whole way around the shop. Topshop had to control the amount people it let through its doors at a time and had a queue of people waiting to get in.
The ‘lock in’ has been running for 3 years but this is the first time the Chimes has been a part of it.
recycling likes to party with Prince Harry
NEXT ISSUE 3rd December BUMPER EDITION
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Le Nurb - October 2012
Brunel bungee jumps for charity “ ”
RAG aims to raise money for charities while doing something fun
Former lecturer sentenced for indecent images
A former lecturer has been found guilty of downloading images of child pornography following a trial at Reading Crown Court.
The sociology lecturer received a 3 year community order after being found with nearly 5,000 images on his computer, in August 2010, one of which was used as his screensaver.
TOTAL RAISED THIS YEAR
£6271.96 35 PEOPLE 175FT JUMP
Dozens of Brunel students jumped from a crane on Bishops Green this month, to raise over £2000 for charity and for RAG.
The bungee jump, which followed the success of the first jump last year, was the second of its kind to be held on campus. The jump was in aid of Brunel RAG (Raise and Give,) which helps raise money for several different charities whist doing something fun.The charities include ‘Sue Ryder’ which helps people deal
“Three brave students jump for charity” Extreme Sensations Bungee Club
with life threatening illnesses, and ‘World Child Cancer’, which aims to give children access to the best treatment and care. 35 people jumped from the 175 ft tall crane on Bishop’s Green. Amongst these was Marcus Bernasconi, who enjoyed the experience so much, he took the jump 3 times. ‘Taking part in the RAG Bungee Jump was an incredible experience. ‘The adrenaline when I took the jump was phenomenal and only when the rope pulled me back up again did I realise what I’d just done.’ Participants had to donate £60, which they could either pay
It was an incredible experience. ‘The adrenaline when I took the jump was phenomenal.
RAG chair, Nicole Eversfield, thinks the jump raised the profile of RAG massively. She said: “It’s exactly what we needed in the first week of term. Almost everyone was aware of it and got to see our branding.” RAG has plenty more events lined up including Brunel’s Got Talent, Fireworks and Halloween events.
Brunel su ranked 4th in the country 82% “% of students who were satisfied with the student union at their institution”
These results are very exciting and are the result of years of hard work.
The Union of Brunel Students have been ranked as the fourth best union in the country after the results of the National Student Survey were released last month.
The 2012 NSS, which was undertaken by last year’s final year students, showed that the UBS had an 82% satisfaction rate. The survey asked students to rate the Union based on their satisfaction with its support, activities and academic representation. With a satisfaction of
82%, Brunel sits well above the national average of 66%. Yet it is still a way off the national leaders as Sheffield University recorded an impressive 95%. Brunel was only beaten by Sheffield, the University of Loughborough and the University of Leeds. Peter Smallwood, the UBS’s current vice-president of Academic Representation, said, “these results are very exciting and are down to a lot of hard work through the years.” When asked if there was any room for improvement, Smallwood said, “Yes of course there is. We still have a lot of work to do to connect with our post-graduate students, our student parents and other
themselves or get sponsorship and raise the funds.
“Average satisfication rate of students regarding their student union”
minorities who attend Brunel.” Brunel University also received rave reviews from the NSS results with 86% of students saying they were satisfied with their university. The 2012 National Student Survey was undertaken by almost 287,000 students from 154 higher education institutes across the UK, recording a response rate of 67%.
recycling thinks you should at least try the things that you shouldn’t do
Jakristo Milewa was taken into custody after police raided his house in Caversham, to find over 1,500 pictures in the two most serious categories. The images included children under 18 months and animals. Milewa had been viewing the pictures over a 9 month period, a time when he is said to have been drinking heavily. The court heard how Milewa kept his actions hidden from the University by not turning up to work, and was later dismissed in February 2011. A University Spokeswoman, said: ‘Dr Milewa has not been employed by Brunel University for a considerable time and had not been actively working here for some time prior to that. ‘It was only after Dr Milewa had left our employment that the information regarding the case came to light. As Dr Milewa is a former member of staff, we would not normally comment further.’
It was only after Dr Milewa had left our employment that the information came to light
Judge Stephen John believed that the most serious aspect was the number of pictures viewed at level four and five-the top 2 categories, after he pleaded guilty at his trial at Reading Crown Court, this July. He said, ‘You experienced a number of difficulties in your life. You were living unhappily by yourself and drinking. This does not excuse your offending, but it does offer some explanation.’ The judge offered a reduced sentence to Milewa because of the remorse he showed. Milewa will be monitored throughout his 3 year sentence and forced to undertake a sex rehabilitation programme, as well as paying £535 in court costs.
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October 2012 - Le Nurb
OF RESID S EN L L A
DENT SHAR U E ST
rise in student accommodation costs 5.5%
Coffee shop growth across campuses Tom Scott
Although student rent prices grow every year, the growth this year is less than in previous, due to the rise in tuition fees and the decline in university admissions.
The research was carried out by the flatsharing website EasyRoomate. co.uk across major British university towns. It revealed that the cost of renting a room in a student-share had grown by 4% over the past year from £332 per month to £345.
Meanwhile, the average rent in university halls of residence has risen by over 5.5% with prices raised from around £409 to £440. Jonathan Moore, Director of EasyRoomate.co.uk said: “The rise in tuition fees and the prospect of a debt mountain on leaving university was the final nail in the coffin for many would-be students. The drop in applications has eased the pressure on student accommodation and this has caused rent rises to slow compared to the wider market.”
Currently students would pay around £12,340 annually (combined with tuitions fees) to lived in university halls whereas flat-sharers pay £11,145. The price increase has led many first year students to seek flatsharing accommodation, rather than the traditional university accommodation offered in the first year of study. Mr Moore said: “Halls of residence have many advantages and can be a great social hub when first starting out at university. But as the cost of studying climbs ever
higher, more and more students will be considering their options in order to save a few pounds.” The demand for facilities such as Wi-Fi and en-suite rooms is thought to have been the reason behind the substantial rise in cost of university accommodation. Olly Schoenenberger, an Engineering student at Brunel said: “I prefer living in a house as there is more space and it’s a bit more homely. Having said that, I still think that living in university halls works out cheaper in the end as the contract is usually shorter.”
graduating students to receive achievement reports
As well as the traditional degree classification, university students could soon be receiving a Higher Education Achievement Report (HEAR). The HEAR will consist of individual module results, employability awards and any clubs, societies or voluntary work the student has undertaken whilst at university.
“Brunel Univercity Graduation Hat Toss” Brunel University Photostream Flickr
Professor Burgess, Vice Chancellor of Leicester University and project leader, said: "Universities have recognised for some time that a single degree classification cannot do justice to the range of skills, knowledge and
Universities across the country are seeing a growth in the number of coffee shops on their campuses.
Universities across the country are seeing a growth in the number of coffee shops on their campuses. The National Union of Students (NUS) Wales has reported that the number of on-site coffee bars has risen in recent years. Meanwhile, several campuses have had to close their student bars due to falling sales of alcohol.
Fewer students are out at night because of money being tighter.
Both Aberystwyth and Glyndwr Universities have closed their student bars and replaced t=hem with a coffee franchise instead. The student union president of Aberystwyth, Ben Meakin, said that fewer students were out at night because of money being tighter.
Higher Education Achievement Reports to be released alongside degree classification.
The aim of the HEAR is to increase student employability by highlighting the skills learnt beyond their degree. The report can be up to six pages long and edited throughout the student’s time at university. Upon graduation this will become a fixed record of their achievements in higher education.
“Students swap Sambuca for Starbucks” Hirotomo’s Photostream Flickr
Brunel University Photostream Flickr
Great chance to help student showcase nonacademic strengths
experience students gain during their time in higher education.” A pilot scheme has already been issued with 30 institutions taking part. Jamie Layton-Hill, a second year Brunel Student said, “I think this is a great way for students to show what else they have gained from university rather than just a grade. I think this will improve student employability and give them a chance to showcase their strengths.”
recycling finds fake underground maps confusing
Universities needs to start embracing the whole “coffee experience”.
Brunel’s campus has seen a growth of coffee shops in recent months. Last year, there was just one facility in the Bannerman Centre and one in the Lecture Centre. From September, Brunel now offers Starbucks, Costa and Aspretto coffee shops.
The NUS said that in order for student union bars to continue competing and remain profitable, universities would need to start embracing the whole “coffee experience”.
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Lecturer is star of question Time
Benjamin Zephaniah, the Creative Writing chair at Brunel University appeared on Question Time on Thursday 11th October.
He tweeted earlier that morning, ‘Apparently the thing to do is tell you that I’m wording up on Question Time tonight. Peace you all. Kiss Kiss.’ A few hours later, his name was trending.
“Benjamin Zephaniah, Brunels Creative Writing Chair”” Brunel University Photostream Flickr
It was Benjamin’s third time on the show. He told Le Nurb: “Although it can be frustrating, I do like going on the show. It’s frustrating because you can never say all you want to say, but I like it because I think it’s important that people (like me) who are not politicians, should be seen to be participating in discussions that concern us all.” The panel, which included Caroline Flint, Cristina Odone, Grant Shapps and Simon Hughes discussed the recent housing benefit shuffle for the under 25s.
WRITE “ ” FOR Your high-speed US! hangover cure So that’s it. Question Time. I’ve done it, and you can do it too.
Following a 250 per cent increase in students being sick on theme park rides during fresher’s week, students will be breathalysed upon entry to Thorpe Park.
Full details on page 2
“Hangover Cure?” Apex Design Photostream Flickr
Failing the test however, will not result in being sent home, but being sent to brave a deathdefying flight on the ride ‘Swarm’. Those who are deemed over the limit will be fast-tracked onto the park’s proven hangover-busting rides. Research carried out by neuropsychologist Dr Lewis suggests that the blast of oxygen on the high-speed ride Swarm, improves the metabolic rate of drunken riders, which then boosts speeds at which toxins are broken down. The divisional director of Thorpe Park, Mike Vallis said that the theme park ‘… does not condone drinking and riding, however, during this Fresher’s Week period, we realise
He told Le Nurb: “Statistics show that fewer and fewer people are voting, young people are not engaging in mainstream politics, and politicians are some of the most disliked people in the country, yet Question Time remains one of the most popular programmes.” Benjamin is known for his poetry, music and writing and took up his post at Brunel earlier this year. He has published a number of novels and has released six albums.
us elections! Simi Sagoo
that a number of our guests do not recognise that they are suffering from the effects of the night before.’ Situated only 13 miles away from the park, Brunel students are among the many who visit the theme park each month. Having surveyed a number of students, it seems that there are many ‘drunkriders’ amongst us, with even a handful of ‘sick-riders’!
Blasts of oxygen on the high-speed rides improves the metabolic rate and speeds up the process of breaking down toxics.
Thorpe Park hopes the move will end years of 'sick shutdowns', which forces guests to wait while rides are cleaned of vomit. Mr Vallis further added ‘…we felt it was our duty to ensure that all of our guests enjoy the extreme nature of our rides…which is proven to be the ultimate hangover cure. We are confident our guests will have a great, and hopefully vomit-free, day.’
recycling was invented by Brunel himself
Supporting the young people in the audience and at home, Benjamin said ‘Young people are being bashed…We are forcing them to go into situations they don’t want to go into. Young people need a hand…You can’t push people into the swimming pool when it is you who has taken the water out.’ This cued a round of applause from the audience.
We feel it is our duty to ensure our guests enjoy the extreme nature of rides...which is a proven hangover cure.
Ben Moxey It’s that time again. The time when the biggest nation on Earth (not in population size but in population mass) picks a new leader.
In the running this time is the incumbent Barack Obama who walked the Democratic nomination in September. He will be facing off against Mitt Romney who saw off several other candidates for the Republican nomination and is, refreshingly, a slight moderate. To date there have been two debates and with another planned and the election itself, Le Nurb has you covered. Go online now by visiting www. lenurbonline. com and clicking the ‘Elections’ tab at the head of the page to read the reviews of the first two and look out for the live blog on the site from the evening of 6th of November!
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It pays to be into politics Stephanie Wareham Houses of Parliament are offering students a bursary to write their dissertations
Listen up final year students – you could be paid to write your dissertation. The Houses of Parliament and the Higher Education Academy are offering anyone who is writing a disso on parliament up to £350 to conduct research in their chosen topic.
The bursary covers travel expenses and gives you a chance to attend public lectures and tutorials, speak with MPs and parliamentary staff and gives you access to relevant case studies. If you aren’t studying Politics, don’t panic. Claire Cowan, head of Public information and Outreach said: "Students of any subject are invited to apply so long as their essay examines some aspect of the institution of Parliament." This could range from the processes, business, MPs or even the architecture of the building
Students of any subject are invited to apply...they could examine processes, buisness, MPs or even architecture.
itself. The deadline is Friday 2nd November 2012. For more information and to apply, visit www.parliament.uk/bursaries
National Demo 2012
Students from universities across the country are protesting this November in the National Demo 2012.
The demonstration, which follows on from the first National Demo, in 2010, is focusing on education, employment and empowerment. Students will march through central London on the 21st November 2012, and assemble at a rally point where there will be a range of high profile political speakers. The aim of the demonstration is to make a stand against cuts to student funding and rise in tuition fees. It also aims to encourage the government to provide better jobs for young people, and to make sure politicians do not let these matters slip off the agenda.
“Students Protesting in 2010” Matt Baldry’s Photostream Flickr
Organisers of the event, aim to make it as peaceful as possible. In a statement from NUS, they said: ‘We all have a responsibility to make sure that our actions don’t alienate any supporters.
‘But we should also remember that the right to protest is a part of our democracy, and we shouldn’t be afraid to use it.’ The demonstration is being held on a Wednesday - the day that Prime Minister’s Question Time happens in parliament.
The right to protest is a part of our democracy.
NUS delegates voted for a march happening in the first term of the academic year, at a conference last April. Politics student, Josh Dixon, however, thinks students are being used as a tool of the anti-cuts agenda. He said, ‘Although the NUS claim the student movement is “united” in their demands, they need to reengage with the whole NUS membership before they expect members to get behind their message.’
NUS claim that the student movement is “united”... they need to reenage with the memebers before they are expected too get behind their message.
For further details and updates on the National Demo, visit http:// www.demo2012.org.uk/
recycling is still attempting to graduate
“It pays to do politics”
In memory: Yi Kang Students, lecturers, and everyone at Brunel have been incredibly saddened by the sudden death of postgraduate student, Yi Kang. It is with great melancholy that Brunel say goodbye to a talented Advanced Mechanical Engineering student, who was described as a ‘bright, hard-working and motivated student.’ Yi was killed in a road traffic accident whilst she was visiting her family in Northern Ireland. Yi had moved from China after achieving the equivalent of an upper second class degree in Mechanical Engineering. She joined Brunel in June. Our thoughts and prayers are with her family and friends. Anyone that would like details of the funeral can contact HOSS@ brunel.ac.uk
With Subway opening this week, what would your ideal campus takeaway be? (36 total votes)
FRANKIE & BENNY’S
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Le Nurb - October 2012
auTumN eLeCTIONs - the results TOM SCOTT
he annual autumn elections took place this past month as the student body voted for who they wanted to represent them in Student Assembly this year. Student Assembly is the main decision making body for the Union of Brunel Students. It creates and oversees the guiding policies of the Union and can hold the Union officers to account. The elections took place between Monday 15th October and Wednesday 17th October. In total, 309 votes were cast throughout these days, which is a significant drop from last years total of 445 votes. As a result of the elections, there were several positions left unfilled. Only 19 of the 20 community members were successfully elected. There were also no candidates for the positions of Senior Rep in the School of Engineering and Design and School Member in the School of Sport & Education and no one from the School of Law wished to represent themselves at all for student assembly. There were also 2 seats still available as NUS delegate. Also, there were no candidates for the vacant part-time officer position of Postgraduate Chair. UBS President Promise Phillips said that “these had not been the best elections ever but that [the UBS] did try as hard as it might.” The first student assembly took place on the 25th October and students that wished to fill the vacant roles attended to do so*. *At the time of writing, student assembly has yet to occur. Please visit www.lenurbonline.com for full and up to date details on the first student assembly. The first positions available were for Community Members of which there were only 20 positions available and a contested 22 candidates running for these positions. The following were
The following students ran for either school members or senior rep positions. These students ran to represent their individual schools Akim Obalola (School of Health Sciences & Social Care) Athif Afzal (School of Sport & Education) Jack Duffin (School of Information Systems, Computing & Mathematics) Liam Walpole (School of Social Sciences) Scott Hodges (School of Arts) Vicki Wallis (Brunel Business School) Student Assembly Senior Reps Andy Sime (Brunel Business School) Brendan Cogan (School of Engineering & Design) George Bowden (School of Social Sciences) Hannah Jones (School of Sport & Education) Kiesha Lynch (School of Arts) Tom Morrish (School of Health Sciences & Social Care) The final positions were for NUS Delegate. These positions are for students to represent Brunel at a national level as part of the National Union of Students (NUS). There were just 2 candidates running for 4 available positions. NUS Delegates Josh Dixon Peter Smallwood
Robert Pennington Aaron Wright RON Craig Best Sam Donoghue Danny Mitchell Vivienne Isebor Haris Najib Zein ‘Zeeno’ Owfar Jason Zion Zakari Jemima Khalli Jordan Livingstone Josh Dixon Joshua Abladey Jnr Juhani Martin Zaranyika Nathan Yan Ogechi S. Edeh Rob Barnstone
recycling always tries to turn Le Nurb into a hat
F E AT U R E S
October 2012 - Le Nurb
The seX FILes: Brunel Talks Casual Copulation DAISY BROWN
asual sex… or if you’d prefer ‘one night stand’? Fuck buddy, perhaps? Friend with benefits? Whatever you choose to call it, what underpins all of these phrases is the act of having sex with someone who you are not in a romantic relationship with. What do you think this is doing to you, your self-esteem, your selfrespect and (most importantly) the springs in your bed? YOLO, I’ll do what I want when I want! Hakuna matata! If it makes you feel good – it’s worth doing, right? But what happens when the novelty wears off? When you are left sitting in a messy bedroom, ravaged springs poking into your bum, pillows on the floor, sheets crumpled. Sweaty. Alone. Girls, we are more equal to boys than we ever have been (21st Century women - I salute you!) and we all share one thing in common. Whoever you are; boy, girl, seal, admit it or not – we shared the urge to be loved. Lucky for most, what comes hand in hand with love is that little
bump ‘n’ grinding business we mentioned earlier – sex! Lucky for most, what comes hand in hand with love is that little bump ‘n’ grinding business we mentioned earlier – sex! In a poll at the University of Glamorgan, the average number of sexual partners per student is 10.9! That means your pal down the corridor (the one you hear jumping on their bed at night) could be sleeping with their 10.9th person… in 3 years. Lad? Slag? I asked Brunelians what they thought about casual sex: Anon. Female, 2nd year student said: ‘I’m only here for 3 years – it’s not like I’m going to stay in touch with many people after, so I don’t really care what people think In our poll, the male impression of me. There’s always someone around when you neaed them, if you know what I mean’. She gave me a wink. Anon. Male, 1st year student said: ‘I love having sex! (Extremely enthusiastic) Beer goggles always makes any bird (he’s referring to the proud and equal 21st Century women we talked about earlier…) half decent. I could ‘bone’ (meaning: to have sex) all day, everyday… and yeah, I have a friend with benefits!’ (Awkwardly laughing – trying too hard?)
“So… If you think you can cope with the emotional side of the beast with two backs, then bang away.”
Let’s take it back a couple of years to evolution. Evolutionaryspeaking, for males casual sex was extremely beneficial; every time a man had sex with a woman he was increasing his chances of continuing his genetic heritage. Women have always been more selective, they were more interested in the quality of their mate rather than the quantity (for our lexically-challenged readers – birds don’t think of it as a numbers game). So, what do you all say about each other after sex? You discuss whether it was good or bad, worth it or not and (of course) if it was big or small (sorry guys, girls do it all the time). You have to be careful where you put your penis.
BEER GOGGLES? CREDIT: DANIELA VLADIMIROVA
was that they lacked respect for the women – some even struggled with the question ‘how do you feel after you’ve had a one night stand?’ (‘Erm… yeah it was a little bit of alright, I s’pose. How did I feel? Well… you always need to take a shower but… erm, other than that it was just… good, I guess. A little bit of alright – have I already said that?’) The female impression – they didn’t really care what the guy thought because they respected themselves. They didn’t need validation from ‘some prick’. Others said they would have preferred the guys to have stayed longer and cuddled, but it was ‘no biggy’. Girls appeared to attribute more significance, and would be more hurt if the boy slept with another girl soon after. Guys did not find this as significant. One mentioned the phrase ‘sloppy seconds’. However, the effects of casual sex on some women can be complicated. The physical and emotional drains of having sex can trigger feelings of love caused by oxytocin which is the hormone released during orgasms and dubbed the ‘love hormone’.
has newspaper. will recycle
The hormone is also released during childbirth and is a biological factor that bonds people. So when you started the arrangement, deciding the ‘rules’ of a friend with benefits, knowing that he is not ‘the one’ - your hormones kicked in and turned him into Brad Pitt in Troy (PHWAAAHHH). For better or for worse, there’s not much you can do about your hormones. Professor Cambell conducted a survey about one-night stands. He found out he had not partaken in any whilst studying to become a ‘professor’, and that 80% of men had a positive feeling about the experience, compared to 54% of women. The negative feeling that women associated with a one-night stand was one of being used, disrespected and a dread for their reputation. But if you want to feel wanted, if you want to settle into a romantic relationship then think again. Remember, most guys and girls don’t regard people they
“You have to be careful where you put your penis.”
have casual sex with as someone they want to be romantically involved with. And boys… if you ever dare call a girl a slag after you have sex with her - I will personally hunt you down and steal most (if not all) of your biros. There are many other ways to satisfy your needs which don’t induce sadness. Don’t give yourself any reason not to be happy with you. Oh and always wear a condom you horny dogs!
F E ATURES
Le Nurb - October 2012
OPINIONATED: DIETARY DEMANDS AND DEGREES
Every Month Le Nurb commissions two talented writers to rant and rave, preach and patronise, lament and laugh about a little bit of Brunelian Bother.
subway - my New Kryptonite eing a student usually B involves staying up for hours on end the night before
deadline day and living on a tight budget. Staying healthy can be difficult – but only if we let it be. I do try; Zumba once or twice a week and the occasional jog around the park. I even signed up for the gym a couple of weeks ago, although I am yet to go (don’t judge me, I’m a busy woman).
“Get into the habit of putting away a few extra pounds a week to buy more fresh produce.” But let’s face it – it is much easier to grab a take-away on the way home and watch Scrubs re-runs in bed on your day off, rather than do some exercise*.
LESLEY MENSAH We humans are indeed creatures of habit, so the secret to sticking to a healthy regime is to turn it into a good habit. Get into the habit of waking up half an hour earlier for a quick jog around the block or a home workout (there are plenty of these on YouTube). Get into the habit of having a side salad with your meal rather than a bowl of chips (sometimes). Get into the habit of putting away a few extra pounds a week to buy more fresh produce. Don’t feel intimidated or put off – the campus fruit and veg sale on Tuesdays is a great place to start and experiment, however frozen vegetables are also a great, cheap alternative.
CREDIT: AMY BLACKFORD
“Try out the campus fruit and veg sale on Tuesdays and experiment”
Anyway, the important thing to remember about good and bad habits is that we consciously learn to do them. Leading a healthy lifestyle should be easy, not painful! If you are hurting yourself to look or feel Get into the habit of picking better, then please stop. Find up healthy alternatives when other ways to make small, snacking; lightly salted popcorn beneficial changes that make a instead of crisps, tasty fruit difference, rather than starve instead of a bar of chocolate. yourself. Healthy living can be Whatever you do, resist the daily fun, exciting and tasty if you urge for a Subway in between make the effort. lectures...easier said than done, I know. It is like invisible, mouthBesides, an occasional watering hooks grab my stomach Subway won’t kill you, every time I walk past its new, especially if you ask for extra glittering doors... *drools*. salad! *please note that walking to the takeaway and/or using the bathroom during ad breaks does not count towards exercise.
“Healthy living can be fun, exciting and tasty if you make the effort.”
Keeping Fit in a World of Fast Food t has always been easier I to opt for fast food rather than to take the time to
make a healthier meal and in the world of a university student, the likelihood of this happening increases due to the fast food available on campus.
CHINELO ADA UDE
However, this is not a good enough reason to say “fuck looking good, get me in that queue! Supersize? Count me in.”
Choose one day a month to eat all the fast food you want—this is your day to indulge and eat all the chips you want.
In a world full of fast food, it’s difficult to maintain a healthy diet as it requires discipline. A lot of discipline. I personally hate working out and avoid it unless I need to drop a few pounds to fit into a dress - so instead I walk everywhere. However, I have a diet routine that works well for me. I am a very good cook but the majority of what I cook can be made by anyone; even the worst cook in the world. I eat fruit instead of chips and burgers and drink lots of water. This has become a routine, making it easy for me to pass the fast food restaurants without getting the urge to enter them.
make sure you go to the fruit and vegetable market on Tuesdays and stock-up - fruit is a much healthier snack than chips or crisps! Try replacing at three or four cups of coffee, soda or other calorie heavy drinks a day with water — limit yourself to a glass a day or three cups a week. If you can afford to, join the gym or an exercise class of some sort. If not, turn our campus into your personal training ground—run, power-walk, jog...etc.
Here are my tips for staying healthy, sexy and strong in a fast food filled environment:
eat a healthy breakfast or at least grab a piece of fruit and some juice as you run out the door.
With the fashion world at a high right now, looking unkempt in a bad way is no longer an option and students are often dressing as though they are participating in a large runway show. Dressing well can encourage you to stay in shape and keep fit.
It might sound difficult now, but it’s not as difficult as you might think. It is actually very easy to maintain a healthy diet while still enjoying all of the foods you love. But if this hasn’t convinced you: think of the heads you’ll turn as walk to lectures!
recycling likes neopolitan ice cream, buts vanilla, chocolate and strawberry
October 2012 - Le Nurb
F E ATURES
Life’s Too Court he grand social T experience known as ‘Court’ once again took
place during this year’s Freshers’ Week, and it did not disappoint. Throughout the week, Brunel’s Freshers were treated to a vast array of hilarious punishments, vicious judgements and light-hearted banter. The Student Contacts put on a spectacle full of showmanship and confidence the attendance grew drastically as the week progressed. In particular, the comic nature of the punishments that were handed out to unwitting Freshers and Contacts kept the crowd happy throughout; each punishment made sweeter in the knowledge that the unwitting participants were turned in by their peers. The success of the week was evident on Thursday the 27th of September when the largest ever Court attendance was recorded at a combined Bishop-and-Lancaster Court.
CREDIT: ADIL KHAN DESHMUKH
“Brunel’s Freshers were treated to a vast array of hilarious punishments, vicious judgements and light-hearted banter”
DONALD THOMSON Several Freshers and Contacts were punished in front of the jury of peers on a daily basis for crimes deemed worthy. In fact, most petty deeds could be considered worthy of a punishment. Such crimes would range from becoming too drunk, to
the art of pestering someone continuously, to being a general annoyance or troublemaker. Open Court allowed peers to turn in their unsuspecting new acquaintances for crimes reported on the spot. Despite the clear guilt evident on many-a-face, many regularly
upstanding persons would argue their innocence, of course to no avail. However, the activities included more than just punishing unknowing offenders. Gallant singing of songs such as ‘Oh, West London’, ‘DIO’, and ‘You Are
My Brunel’, among others, cultivated a sense of unity and attachment. Moreover, many have said that Court was a great addition to Freshers’ week and that it should be continued herein.
The scottish referendum: Will Four Become Three? t has been confirmed that I autumn 2014 will see a referendum held to determine whether Scotland shall become an independent country and subsequently separate from the United Kingdom.
A meeting was held on Wednesday 10th October to discuss details concerning the referendum which was first announced back in January. It is currently believed that the referendum will put forward a single question: should Scotland become an independent country? All that will be required is a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer and the vote will be extended to those aged sixteen and seventeen. Currently, Scotland stands as part of the United Kingdom along with England, Wales and Northern Ireland. However, the Scottish Government is responsible for all issues which are not specifically reserved for the UK Parliament in Westminster. Issues dealt with
CLAIRE PAYNE by the Scottish Government include education, transport and policing, as well as the Scottish NHS. The United Kingdom first came to be in 1801 and consisted of England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales. If referendum voters decide that Scotland should become an independent country it will be the second country to separate from the UK in such a manner; the Republic of Ireland politically separated from the UK in 1922. Scotland is already very much separate from the rest of the UK in many ways, particularly in terms of their university tuition fees system
CREDIT: SCOTTISH GOVERNMENT
which is far from equal. As it currently stands, a Scottish resident does not pay any tuition fees when studying in Scotland. Neither does a student from any other EU country apart from England, Wales or Northern Ireland. Students studying in Scotland who are from anywhere else in the UK are paying up to £9,000 in tuition fees. This system was introduced in 2008 and has previously been described as discriminatory.
Scotland also have other financial benefits, particularly when compared to England. 2011 saw the abolition of prescription fees in Scotland and now English residents are the only people in the United Kingdom to be paying for their prescription drugs. Young people living in Scotland also receive an automatic discount of a third on their travel costs, where as those in England must pay £28 annually to receive the same discount.
recycling’s ex girlfriend is funkypigeon.com
The differences between Scotland and the rest of the UK, in particular England, are somewhat striking. Now we wait and see whether the 2014 referendum means the loss of another country for the United Kingdom.
F E ATURES
Le Nurb - October 2012
TOP 10 ZOmBIe surVIVaL PLaN mIsTaKes
void these traps and we guarantee A undead survival. Zombie survival plans are like secrets, everyone has them even if they pretend they don’t; but there are a number of common mistakes that regularly pop up - so let’s fix that now. Reading this may save your life!
10. No exit
Avoid basements. Do not make base there, and certainly don’t investigate what that sound was! The same goes for upstairs in any home unless you’ve planned ahead. Never back yourself into a corner with no alternative exit route.
9. Flame on!
So many plans seem to involve setting fire to zombies. This is a bad idea. Zombies do not feel pain; they will not stop. If you set fire to a zombie that is trying to chase you and bite you, you now have a flaming zombie that is trying to chase you and bite you. It is quite likely that it will burn your precious safe house to the ground!
8. Live alone, die alone
How many of you have plans that rely on yourself alone? That is good in the short term, but survival is a lot easier if you have a small group - people to cover your back, to reinforce your barricades while you are out scavenging, or to treat your wounds. Also, other people may have skills you don’t!
7. Thinking you are safe
What do you think is the biggest threat in a zompocalypse? There is one thing consistently ruins the best plans: other people. Scared and desperate people do stupid things, and this is on top of any pre-apocalypse stupidity. Mishandling weapons, hiding bites, opening your carefully barricaded doors to go for a cigarette, and so on. External threats are even worse. As looters start appearing you will need to protect your group against threats live and undead alike.
6. Running too early or staying too late
Some recommend getting out of the city at the first opportunity, and some recommend barricading yourself in for a long stay. Both are right and both are wrong. If masses of people start evacuating the city it will be chaos out there and the roads will quickly become blocked. Add zombies and you’ve got “tinned food” (how zombies will see humans in cars) in a war zone! But if you stay barricaded at home and things get really bad, you will find yourself in an entire city full of hungry undead. Your best bet is to hide until the major panic has passed then sneak out to the countryside.
5. Forgetting the basics
People often forget basic health and safety. First aid skills and supplies are essential; you will need to be able to care for various wounds. It would suck to survive the zombies only to die from an infected wound received while nailing boards to the windows! Another key skill is knowing how to purify water for drinking. Finally, if you need any medication on a regular basis then... Well you may be SOL once your local pharmacist has been eaten!
4. Only having one plan
Although you might try to stick to your plan, zombies won’t. Even your best, most meticulous plan may be rendered useless by factors out of your control. We recommend the PACE model of four plans: Your Primary plan is your bestcase scenario, and is the most likely to be put into action. Your Alternate plan is similar but allows for a different choice of transport, destination, etc. Your Contingency plan kicks in when the first two have been blocked, and allows for you being unable to get back home to your supplies. Finally, your Emergency plan is an on-thefly list of immediate priorities.
3. Thinking you are Rambo
“My weapon of choice would be an AK-47...” aside from what a ridiculous choice of firearm this is, there are even more glaring problems. Where are you going to get a gun from? Do you know how to handle, clean and maintain it? Can you fire accurately under pressure? And are you really sure you want to deal with the noise of gunfire, which in a zombie outbreak is like ringing a dinner bell?
2. Being unprepared
“First, I will go and get a weapon then...” if anyone says something like this to you, write them off as a lost cause. They are already dead. If your plan relies on you obtaining materials or supplies after the crisis has hit then you have failed to plan properly. Once the outbreak hits there will be hordes of people all heading for the same supplies. What supplies there are will disappear quickly and all that will be left are people who will not hesitate to beat you down if they think it means they will be able to save themselves and their family.
recycling never gets stuck on a zipline
1. Not joining Brunel Zombie Society Of course, the greatest mistake you can make is not joining Brunel ZomS! We will train you to survive the zompocalypse through our SEC (Survival, Evasion, and Combat) training, we will teach you how to look and walk like a zombie in case you need to blend in, we watch zombie movies, and we have fun talks tying in various academic disciplines with zombies. And of course we have lots of social events and discussions at the pub! Find out more at http:// www.brunelstudents. com/zombiesoc or our Facebook page.
F E ATURES
October 2012 - Le Nurb
The house Party
(Part two of Daniella Nzekwe’s thrilling new story – only in Le Nurb)
had been at university just over a month, and Mum still phoned me every day. At first the phone calls were very specific, like asking if I had remembered to brush my teeth. I reminded her that I had been brushing my own teeth for many years before I left home. Sometimes she would ask me how my course was going. At least she knew I did Creative Writing, whereas Nan could never remember. In her opinion, a degree wasn’t worth anything unless it was in a core subject like English or Maths. Today Mum was extra chatty, maybe she was missing me. ‘You’ll never guess who I saw in Tesco today?’ said Mum. ‘Who?’ ‘Rebecca, remember her from primary school?’ ‘Oh yeah, how is she?’
Ryan nodded and sipped from his bottle of vodka. He put the bottle to my lips and I took a sip; hoping that he couldn’t see the disgust on my face. It took me a while to notice that Brie wasn’t standing next to us. There was no point looking for her, she had properly shacked up with that Burners guy somewhere. Vybz Kartel - Summertime started playing and the girls started grinding their waists, hoping a boy would notice. I had never been much of a dancer, but I had seen enough music videos to improvise. Ryan held me from behind as my bum grinded against his crotch. As we danced I began to feel his hardness brush – then push against me. Just before the song finished, he led me out of the room and took me upstairs. All the bedrooms were locked so we went into the bathroom. The light didn’t work, so I only had the moonlight to guide me to his face. His lips were soft and warm on mine, his touch making me feel unsteady.
‘She’s pregnant, about to drop by the looks of it.’
‘You know why I came here don’t you?’
‘Shut up, she was always so quiet.’
‘It’s always the quiet ones isn’t it?’
‘To see you, I can’t stop thinking about you.’
It was nearly eight o’clock and I need to start getting ready to go out. Tonight, a second year was having a house party in Cowley. Mum wouldn’t get off the phone and kept stressing the dangers of binge drinking. When she had come to visit, she had noticed the empty vodka bottles on my windowsill. All the other rooms had a pot plant in the window, and I wanted to be different. I didn’t drink more than any other student, she had nothing to worry about. By nine o’clock I was in Brie’s room sharing a bottle of brandy and dancing to funky house. I wasn’t sure about the skirt that she had persuaded me to wear. It was really tight and short, plus I thought it looked weird with my trainers. I decided to keep this to myself, before she insisted that I borrow a pair of heels. ‘I’m not sure about this skirt.’ ‘It’s because you’re not used to it, but you look hot and Ryan likes skirts.’ He told me this one day while we were sitting in front of the Lecture Centre, watching students go by. He always had something interesting to say. Brie had taken a liking to a second year on the Brunel Burners football team. I didn’t think he was all that - but she liked his muscles. I didn’t want to drink loads that night because I had a 9am, but Brie kept pouring me drinks. All my nerves seemed to melt away, and I started enjoying myself. I was no longer shy and sensible Sophie who was worried about her trainers. Tonight I was going to make sure that Ryan noticed me. By the time we left I didn’t care about the length of my skirt. Or my 9am. From the outside, the house looked like any other semidetached on the road. But as we got nearer it felt like the road was shaking under the strain of the bass. Inside was filled with people. Some danced, others drank, chatted. The kitchen was bare apart from a couple of coke bottles. It was a good thing that Brie insisted that we bring our own alcohol. The front room held the main party. A make-shift DJ stand was set up in front of the patio doors. Most of the boys were just standing around, while the girls danced in the groups. I found a small chair in the corner of the room and sat down. Brie kept bending to my ear, telling me different bits of gossip about the people who were here. I didn’t recognise anyone, especially the group of boys standing next to the door. We had been there about an hour when Ryan walked in. As usual he was with a group of boys. He waved and hugged various girls as he moved through the crowd. My heart rate increased, and I had a suspicion that my deodorant had stopped working. Brie kept nudging me; as if I couldn’t see him walking towards me! He pulled me up from the chair and gave me a hug. He smelt gorgeous, like a freshly powdered baby. ‘How come you were sitting down?’ ‘I like to get a feel for the place.’
I had never been taken in by a boy because I knew how they lied. But he seemed genuine. I couldn’t speak so I smiled instead. He kissed me harder this time one hand on the small of my back, while the other slowly unhooked my bra. I didn’t even mind when he removed my top, but stopped his hands when he reached under my tights. He tried to brush it away but I forced him away. It had all happened so fast. I hadn’t had time to tell him that I had never gone all the way. He was deathly silent as I put my clothes back on, his gaze locked on my bare skin, lit only by the moon through the frosted glass. I couldn’t help but feel he looked disappointed as we walked down the stairs. I wanted to say something - anything to end the uncomfortable silence. ‘Ryan, I......’ ‘Sophie!’ screamed Brie, leaping from the crowd and jumping on me. We both fell to the floor. Her eyes had a wild look, one false eyelash was hanging. Her lipstick was smudged down to her chin and her dress was torn. Everyone was looking at us and whispering. The music had stopped and people where coming downstairs with their coats. I looked around for Ryan but he had gone. Suddenly everyone seemed like they were leaving, shoving and pushing, they couldn’t get out the front door fast enough. There was a sound of police sirens in the distance, getting louder and louder with every second that passed. Brie was still holding me and had started sobbing. ‘What’s happened, why are you crying?’ ‘I told him no, yes that’s what I said. I just don’t understand what happened.’ Brie was still staring at me with that weird look in her eye. ‘Told who no? Brie talk to me!’ I said giving her shoulders a little shake, ‘Brie? Brie? Who, Brie?’ ‘He raped me.’ She pulled away from me and was violently sick on the dirty wooden floor. I didn’t understand what was happening. She was just standing next to me; I had only been gone about 15 minutes. Everything seemed like a blur, the crowds had disappeared; other than for the three worried looking students who owned the house. * A stern looking police woman asked me if I had seen anything. She wanted a full description and possible age of the suspect. Brie would have been better at answering these questions but she couldn’t. A paramedic was trying to bring her round, she had passed out. And I felt scared and sick and I glanced across at the matted hair covering her face as she lay shivering in her own vomit, smearing the vile regurgitation and tears into her skin. To Be Continued …. recycling and the Stig are best friends
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F E ATURES
Le Nurb - October 2012
The Future hasn’t solved anything
ecently Felix ‘The Cat’ Baumgartner r made his historic
plummet from the heavens and in doing so broke two world records – one for speed, the other for height. There were rumours he would break the record for shittiest microphone too but it turns out that the guys over at Channel AKA have that one sewn up. When he did this and we watched the moment when a human being fell to earth like a dinosaur-killing comet my girlfriend turned to me and said, “What’s the point of that?” Usually I would answer back “Science! The advancement of our species in discovering all there is to see and experiencing all there is to feel”, but I didn’t. I shrugged, said “Dunno” and went back to my dinner. The problem is that nowadays I don’t feel that Science! is advancing our species anymore. When I was a boy I would love to watch Space Precinct (and to a lesser extent Space 1999) in which the future – 2040 to be exact - was a magical mystical world involving whizzy flying cars, pew-pew laser guns and aliens with normal human-shaped bodies and fish heads.
“Phones have become so small they are getting bigger again” At the age of only nine or ten, with the internet gathering speed and mobile phones now becoming less like extraneous limbs to lug around, there was a certainty that we would be on Mars in a few years and then who knows where! There would be food in pill form, TVs you could control with your mind, space really would be the final frontier!
Cycle forward nearly twenty years. Phones have become so small they are getting bigger again; TVs can be controlled with hand gestures but you have to gesticulate so wildly to get the thing’s attention that a passer-by might think you had sat on a car battery. Food isn’t in pill form and it is getting worse for you – just ask the South of the US - and finally the internet. It hasn’t really been the great tool to save mankind has it?
“But what is the main purpose of the internet? Wanking.” When we first got the internet in 1995, my dad told me explicitly that I must notify him if I was going to use it and that I mustn’t be on it long as it cost an arm and a leg and took out the phone line, rendering us uncontactable. Many people thought that these restrictions made the ‘net a waste of time (me included). Then in the mid 2000s we were treated to broadband. Now you got your phone line back, it didn’t cost a lot and you could actually use the internet smoothly with fast surf speeds! Now this will herald a new age! We will be having chips implanted in our minds in a matter of months. Nope (again). Now we have fibre optic broadband. We can surf the net faster than ever, download files of a massive size in a fraction of the time it used to take, we have internet on the go and can perform tasks like meeting people in Tokyo over the information super-highway. But what is the main purpose of the internet? Wanking. The world-wide wanking emporium. If you don’t believe me, go to your Google Image search page now and type in ‘sunny’. Yup loads of pictures of the sun. Oh look there’s the baby-faced sun from Teletubbies! Now go up to the SafeSearch and turn it from Strict to Off…. See those? Those are a woman’s boobs. And that was without trying! There is an internet rule known as ‘Rule 34’ which states that “if it exists, there is porn of it”. In fact there is even a site called ‘Rule 34’ which goes one better than Google’s
SafeSearch and just cuts out anything that isn’t porn – though was is left behind is mostly creepy Japanese drawings of your favourite childhood characters being buggered. It’s not something to view over lunch. And it’s everywhere and getting creepier by the second. If you Google search any female celebrity who is under 50 the first few suggestions you get from the search bar will be [Name], [Name] twitter, [Name] feet, [Name] tumblr. Feet?! Really? They are the least sexy part of a body (just beating the bit on the back of your elbow). In fact there is actually a site called wikiFeet which is proudly devoted to the bony thing at the end of your legs. There are even rules: “We accept pictures that show toes, soles and arches. Shoes and socks pictures do not belong on wikiFeet”.
“If we maybe put a little of the effort we put into jackin’ it into something like space travel or world peace maybe we might get somewhere towards the dreams we all have.”
I wanna bone u and shit all nite long…. Blud and bones”. Everyone is looking for that onesome or they think that the celebrity will see this and suddenly be overcome with amour and rush into their cyber arms. And it isn’t just the net. There is sexting, a horrible word for a pointless act, or you can ring asthmatic women who will tell you they are naked and oiled up even if they are in their PJs in front of Downton Abbey. You can even ring the TV and get the pretty lady to jiggle like a voice controlled puppet for you! The wonders of technology.
So that’s it. The future is here and it has us all sitting in front of the computer, cross-eyed and sweating, masturbating I assume it must just be men like a chimp in a zoo. Well done (though I’m sure women are just us, we must be so proud. as bad – having never been one I don’t know) but the wangMoxey does like to go on a bit so if you want to explore the inner based thought processes are The lengths that people will disturbing. Any female celebrity workings of his mind (I don’t go to in the name of selfon Facebook/Instagram/Twitter advise it) you can visit his blog – theonlymoxey.wordpress.com or gratification is outstanding. will have to endure comments ‘Like’ him on Facebook. Just don’t If we maybe put a little of the from well-meaning, but send him any naked photos. effort we put in to jackin’ it into frustrated, palm-jockeys. something like space travel or world peace maybe we might Put up a picture of whatever get somewhere towards the they are up to that day and dreams we all have. Where is there will always be a response my damn jetpack?! of “U R well fit fam and ting.
recycling always reads www.lenurbonline.com
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his year’s Movember is the year of Movember & Sons. This theme is hoped to encourage young men to learn their family health history and to identify any risks they may face. The ideas behind Movember and growing a Mo during November, have raised nearly £80 million in the past.
Their aim? To raise funds and awareness for men’s health – specifically prostate cancer and testicular cancer. Join your fellow Mo Bros and join Movember 2012. For more details, head to www.movember.com
October 2012 - Le Nurb
recycling is sexually attracted to the letter F
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Le Nurb - October 2012
recycling hates queuing, but knows it is necessary
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October 2012 - Le Nurb
recycling may pick up more copies of this issue to get more free vouchers
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Le Nurb - October 2012
smile, you are on camera!
am sure we have all noticed CCTV cameras on our campus. Perhaps some of you had passionate discussions about the dark side of the Big Brother watching you, versus the “if you haven’t done anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about” approach. Leaving this interesting issue aside for a moment, let’s see what is the University’s policy with regarding to CCTV and most importantly, how this could potentially affect you. The policy can be found on the University’s website: Home » About» Policy and Regulations» » Information Access» Data Protection» Policies and Guidelines. It will be worth your while to have a look at this section of the University’s website; those policies and regulations affect every aspects of your life whilst you are a Brunel student. As you can immediately notice, the CCTV Policy is contained within the section relevant to Data
Protection. This is because images of people made via CCTV are covered by the Data Protection Act, and so is information about people which is derived from images. As a consequence only a limited number of people who are authorised can view those imagesto protect the rights of individuals who are on the recordings. You can’t therefore obtain a highly amusing CCTV clip of your mate doing something funny or embarrassing on the concourse at 2 AM when leaving the Academy. Equally, you could rest at peace about that awkward moment when your trousers fell to your ankles in front of the Costcutters- it is not going to end up on YouTube, courtesy of Brunel University CCTV cameras! So who are those chosen ones permitted to view the CCTV images? This restricted circle includes police and other law enforcement agencies, prosecution agencies, legal representatives, members of staff involved with University disciplinary processes and in exceptional circumstances
others to assist in identification of a victim, witness or perpetrator in relation to a criminal incident. Recently the Union has been successful in persuading the University to add advisers from the Advice and Representation Centre (ARC) to this restricted group of people. This is a great step which will improve our advisers’ ability to assist students whose enquiries involve CCTV images, for example disciplinary cases. The ARC would only be able to view clips which directly relate to a client they are advising, usually on a disciplinary matter. You could request to view the images or recording if you are the focus of it; if it’s about you (unless disclosure would prejudice criminal enquiries or proceedings). The Data Protection Act 1998 gives you the right to access personal information about yourself, including CCTV images. You can ask for a copy of CCTV if you appear on it, but it will only be provided if doing so does not compromise any other party's data protection rights. If necessary, the University will pixelate or otherwise
obscure images of other people. The CCTV Policy explains in detail how to go about accessing your image; to put it shortly you should submit a request to the University’s Information Access Officer. There is a form which you need to use and the address of the Information Access Officer is on that form. The CCTV technology is not infallible; there's no guarantee that usable footage exists; the camera may not have been pointing in the "right" direction at the time, it might be too dark to identify people, or the camera wasn't zoomed in on the event. For instance, we are told by the University’s Information Access Officer, that they often have requests for footage of vehicle accidents, but it's rare for the registration numbers to be visible.
operators receive training and written procedures for maintaining the privacy of the occupants of such accommodation. CCTV cameras are here to stay; they are an important tool in keeping you safe and their use is highly regulated. You will probably never have to deal with them and your image won’t be unnecessarily retained- but if you need further advice, come and see an adviser at the ARC (Hamilton Building, Ground Floor, near Locos). Full CCTV Policy http://www. brunel.ac.uk/about/administration/ information-access/dataprotection/policies-and-guidelines Advice and Representation Centre http://brunelstudents.com/arc
We must not forget however that there is a strong obligation on CCTV cameras operators to respect your privacy. The CCTV policy is very clear: for instance no cameras are supposed to focus on University residential accommodation; public areas and entrances excepted. Camera
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October 2012 - Le Nurb
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