HEAD TO HEAD LASA sophomore Seb Tanaka rejoices after sucessfully completing global journey to find head larger than his own. “It’s a miracle, and I can’t believe this is even possible,” Tanaka said. photo by Joan Min.
WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING LASA physics teacher John Stormberg is introducing his new AP Napping course, in which students learn to sleep and dream in ways never before thought possible. “I thought it’ d be a great way for students to…Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz,” Stormberg said while falling asleep. photo by Joann Min
APRIL FOOLS While we at the Liberator realize that April Fools’ Day is long past, we see no reason why we can’t keep the party going all month long. In honor of all things strange and comedic, we present the Litigator, LBJ’s premiere satire newspaper. Disclaimer: the next eight pages are not real.
the litigator L I B E R A L A R T S A N D S C I E N C E A C A D E M Y, LY N D O N B A I N E S J O H N S O N H I G H S C H O O L S
April 17, 2014
Volume 40
Issue 5.5
oon M
Examination
Stephanie Park & Daniel Zimmerman
Predators-in-chief
The Texas Education Agency (TEA) has just released the final elements of their new testing program for the 20142015 school year. After difficulties with the previous State of Texas Assessment of Academic Readiness (STAAR) exam, the state has decided to implement the Mastery Of Obscure (k) Nowledge (MOON) test. “We discovered it’s actually pretty tough for kids to reach the stars,” Commissioner of Education Michael Williams said. “We figured, what the heck, the moon’s just right there.” One of the major selling points of the MOON test is the random testing policy, colloquially known as the Eclipse Standard, in which students are unexpectedly given the test at random. There are no limits to when or where the test can be proctored. “It was freaky,” LASA sophomore Sesha McMinn said. “I was in the bathroom and then this hand just shot through the bathroom stall and threw me the test. I think the smell alone in there probably adversely affected my score.” Unlike STAAR and TAKS tests, the MOON test is proctored by current Navy SEALs. This unorthodox testing method often known as the LUNAcy approach, has brought down cheating and talking during the test while simultaneously increasing the amount of strokes occurring during the exam. “Every time anyone interrupts our testing environment, I don’t care what it is – talking, sneezing, breathing – I make them get off their sorry bottoms and do 50 push-ups,” Navy SEAL Richard Black said. “If anyone complains, get down and give me 70. You think it’s too cold? You can’t handle the cold! You’d think they’d learn to be quiet afterwards, but they always
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After encountering difficulties with the STAAR exam, the TEA has decided to take matters in a different direction with the new MOON testing policy, ensuring testing will never be quite the same.
pant after those exercises.” After reports that students were performing poorly on TAKS and STAAR standardized tests, the TEA determined that they needed to take stronger disciplinary measures were needed to motivate students. Students will now be pushed back a grade for every section they do not get commended on. After public outcry on this drastic measure, the TEA determined that students could alternatively choose to be launched to the moon, quieting public distress. “I failed a couple of the sections my junior year, when it was introduced,” Jordan Elementary School kindergartner (former LASA junior) Jack Clark said. “I didn’t take them up on the offer to go to the moon, but I’m really digging nap time. It’s given me time to really find myself.” As the testing policy includes shooting kids to the moon, if they don’t pass, the TEA has set up a contract with the Johnson Space Center in Houston to fly kids to the moon, allowing the previously neglected NASA program to return to its former glory. “It’s been a lot of fun,” NASA Deputy Administrator Lori Garver said. “We thought when we reopened the Apollo program we’d be sending trained adults to the moon, but I guess sending kids who have absolutely none of the skills required to survive in space is okay, too. We just tell them it’s space camp and by the time they realize we’re a bunch of liars, they’re already zooming past the ionosphere.” Students preparing for the chemistry MOON exam have complained about the teaching method of LASA chemistry teacher Joseph Oleniczak. “He’s really great at chemistry, but he just won’t stop with his moon jokes,” LASA sophomore Michael Barre said. “At first it was funny, but how many times can you hear, ‘What do you call meat from the MOON? Meteor rare’ or ‘The MOON really rocks’ or ‘Why did the lunar salesman get fired? Because he couldn’t selene thing’? He just keeps being punny, and all I want to do is learn stoichiometry.”
Frightened LASA sophomore Sesha McMinn takes the MOON test in the bathroom as part of the Eclipse Standard. “Does this mean I’ll be counted as absent?” McMinn said. photo by Stephanie Park
The MOON test includes the traditional courses such as biology, English and algebra, but after pressure from the federal government for even higher standards, the new test will include ancient Elvish literature, quantum physics and golf. Members of the golf team were in a panic when other students began to ask them for help preparing for the exam. “It was ridiculous,” LBJ golf team captain and LASA senior Jacob Baldwin said. “They actually expected us to know golf. I mean, I go practice at least once a semester, but I still don’t exactly know what the long metal things are for or if we’re allowed to drive the little cars.” Due to these higher standards, both the majority of LBJ and LASA students have flunked the MOON practice exam which included a surprise section on Chinese vexillology. Surprisingly, the vast majority of students at the raccoon school in the ceiling passed the exam (further in-depth coverage can be found on page 3). “Squeak,” a raccoon said. “Squeak, squeak, MOON test, squeak.” The strenuous and arguably difficult nature of the exam, has led some colleges to offer degree plans specifically for students who manage to get commended on all sections. Harvard president Drew Gilpin Faust said the test offers an in-depth analysis of a student’s academic ability. “It’s so hard, I doubt I could pass it,” Gilpin Faust said. “We just figured that if the kids could get through this test, Harvard would be a breeze.” Despite the difficulty of the test, students have shown a positive reaction to the new materials presented on the various sections. LASA sophomore Sam Gunn, known to his friends as , said studying for the MOON test has prepared her for real-world situations. “I think I aced the Elvish section of the MOON,” Gunn said. “The MOON does a great job preparing students to leave high school. Now, I will be ready to face my future when I become an elf.”
Live jaguar wins male pageant after devouring all other contestants Special co-Editor
At the conclusion of the fifth annual Mr. Jaguar male pageant, in which contestants vied for the title of “Mr. Jaguar” by competing in swimsuit, talent and question and answer portions, Mulac, a live jaguar from the nearby Austin Zoo, was named Mr. Jaguar after devouring every other contestant in front of an eager audience. Mulac, a 133-pound jaguar originally from South America, reportedly appeared backstage halfway during the show, and immediately set about picking off the contestants one by one in quick succession. In his first appearance on stage, Mulac eliminated several contestants in the middle of their talents, eliciting simultaneous screams and cheers from the audience. Midway through the slaughter, Mulac appeared to become thirsty and attempted to drink water out of a baby pool onstage, inadvertently swallowing LASA junior
Vignesh Vasu whole. apart by a live jaguar,” judge Kimberley “Mulac really approached this whole Jibladze said. “I mean, after his incredible competition with shock factor in mind, and showing during the talent section it was I think he pulled it off,” LASA senior Leah pretty obvious that he was the favorite to win. Harvey said. “At first I was surprised by all But we checked the rules, and apparently the blood posthumous and stuff, awards but after are strictly He also showed his softer side that, it was prohibited, when he allowed a few of the a lot of fun so we had to watch no choice contestants to tell their parents Mulac do but to name they love them one last time his thing.” Mulac Mr. Mulac Jaguar.” before finishing them off. later LASA returned senior and -LASA senior Kiaya Skinner backstage, judge Kiaya where he Skinner waited quietly to pounce on each of the said she was impressed by all of the remaining contestants as they returned contestants’ senses of humor and physiques, from their question and answer portions of but ultimately their desire to win paled in the show. comparison to Mulac’s desire to consume “We were all set to award Aniket the top human flesh. prize, at least until he was viciously ripped “In my opinion, nobody embodied the
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Bob Ghatakatopodis
spirit of Mr. Jaguar better than Mulac,” Skinner said. “He obviously is a very masculine animal, but he also showed his softer side when he allowed a few of the contestants to tell their parents they love them one last time before finishing them off. Then he took the time to lick some of the blood off of his fur, showing that he also cares about how he looks.” Fellow judge Brian Mayer said the fact that Mulac was named the winner proves that the competition is about more than just being an attractive male. “You just have to sit back and admire all that Mulac had to offer for the competition,” Mayer said. “At first, I was worried that he might be one of those all brawn and no brains type of contestant that we sometimes see, but the way that he stealthily hunted down each and every one of the other contestants made it clear that he could also think on his feet.” At press time, Mulac could be seen hungrily eying the judges table.