MODERN MANNERS

You’re right that this is not your call. A gift is a gift, despite your own eagerness or curiosity. That said, what is appropriate to ask depends on the kind of relationship that you have with the host. I think that enthusiasm is a valuable asset in social situations, even if it entails a slight lapse in formal etiquette. I am famous for saying to close friends things like “Can I unwrap the Humboldt Fog I brought? I was in a cheese excitement all the way over!” I do always add, “If you were going to save it, that’s totally fine,” but people tend to happily indulge me. If I were atmy boss’s house, though, I might not inquire aboutdigging into the fancy truffles I had given her. Likewise, at a large party, the host probably has enough to manage without my bugging her to open the Pinot Noir, even if I am dying to taste it.

The author of Catastrophic Happiness and Waiting for Birdy, Catherine Newman has shared her wisdom on matters ranging from family and friends to happiness and pickling in numerous publications. She gets advice from her husband and two opinionated children in Amherst, Massachusetts. My son’s sixth birthday is coming up. We are having a party and inviting his class, his baseball team, and a few cousins. He has lots of toys and doesn’t need any more. I know that asking for cash is tacky. But since it is customary for people to bring gifts, I thought it would be convenient for us and cheaper for the guests to just give him a $5 bill instead of a toy that would not be used. The money would go into his piggy bank. I’m not sure how to word this without sounding awful, though. I don’t want to offend anyone, but it would be cheaper than a $20 toy that we don’t have room for. Can you help?

I support you completely—my kids have never needed more toys, either—but only in theory. Because it would indeed be tacky to ask for cash. This is not a wedding or a Bar Mitzvah, where money is a customary gift. It’s a child’s birthday party. And while you could certainly ask for a charitable donation or “no gifts” without raising eyebrows, trolling for cold, hard cash may rub people the wrong way. Here’s an idea: What if you framed the request as a contribution toward a longed-for experience? “No gifts, please. Our son is tryingtosave up for Red Sox tickets, though,andif your child put $5 into the Ticket Fund jar at the party, he would be so grateful! (No pressure—what we want most is to celebrate with you!)” Then his thank-you cards could include a picture of him enjoying the game— instead of an obligatory note about yet another tchotchke.

My grandparents are very involved in my life, especially now that I have a son, who is their only greatgrandchild. My son goes to two swim classes and one gymnastics class a week, and they insist on attending every class with my husband and me. They also frequently stop by our home to see my son. I love that they want to be involved, but I feel that they are invading our privacy with how much they drop by without calling. How do I politely tell them that the classes are time that my husband and I like to spend with him alone, and that having them there as well is distracting for my son? And to please call if they are going to stop by?

This goes onto my short list of excellent problems. (Could your grandparents maybe move here and go to some of my children’s practices for me?) Spin the “less is more” request by emphasizing your son’s affection for them: “We love that you’re involved in our lives, but our son is always so excited to see you that it distracts him from his practice. We promise to let you know when there are recitals and meets and other good spectator opportunities for you to join us at!” Then explain that unscheduled visits aren’t working for you by focusing on the positive: “Let’s make more deliberate plans so we can be sure to set that time aside for you. We feel bad if you catch us in the middle of something, and we enjoy your visits much more if we know when you’re coming.” My son and his fiancée just moved in together. She is very nice but often doesn’t thank us for things that we do for her or give her. To help them get started, we gave them gift cards (several hundred dollars’ worth). She wasn’t there when we gave my son the cards, but we saw them together later that same night. There was no thank-you or any mention of it fromher.My husband says that I can’t say anything, because that would cause problems and a rift between us and our son. I’m upset because I feel taken for granted.

Maddening! But your husband is right. There is nothing to be gained by saying something—and plenty to be lost. Remind yourself often of your

future daughter-in-law’s niceness— which is the most important thing— then give her the benefit of the doubt and chalk up the missing gratitude to cultural differences or crossed signals. She may well be assuming that your son’s thanks includeher.(My husband and I have always thanked our own parents for gifts given to us jointly but have not as unfailingly thanked each other’s.) If it’s very important to you to be thanked, then you might make a point of giving your gifts when she’s there, so that the opportunity more readily presents itself. I would recommend subtly fishing for gratitude—“What do you think you might get with those gift cards?”—but then you risk revealing your irritation. So just kvetch to your husband and let it go. My brother recently passed away. I received three cards from close friends expressing their condolences, each containing money. I’ve never heard of this. I know that some people request donations to a charity instead of flowers or have Masses said. My family is Catholic, but my brother wasn’t religious. And we don’t have a charity, because we still don’t have a cause of death. So I’m stuck. I feel strange accepting the money, but I think my friendswouldbeinsultedifItriedto giveitback to them. I don’t know whattodo and was wondering if you couldgive me some suggestions.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I too had never heard of giving money to the bereaved, so I Google-researched it. Even though this is unfamiliar to you and me, it turns out to be a practice that is common in some regions and cultures. The contribution is simply intended to offset some of the financial burden associated with death and a funeral. If your friends didn’t indicate that the money was for a Mass or a charitable donation, then you can safely assume that it’s not. Treat it as an old-fashioned act of generosity, given in the spirit of helping out, thank your friends, and spend the money however you like.

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Catherine at REALSIMPLE.COM/MODERN MANNERS. Selected letters will be featured on these pages every month.