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the city magazine for brighton & hove

★ arts ★ news ★ food ★ listings ★ tv guide ★ 7 – 13 April 2009


phill jupitus on the perfect ten at the duke of york’s i predict a riot it’s time for the annual children’s food reviews

swedish bite tomas alfredson on his latest horror flick

konnichiwa welcome to madame geisha the one spot, non-stop night out to remember page 5


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Contents ★latest upfront 4–11 4 Seann‘s talking about – pop musik 5 On the cover: Oriental nightlife at

Welcome S

★ latest listings 23–43 23 Reviews Couldn’t get into Waiting for Godot?

24 Stage

Madame Geisha

6 Social Diary meets a prince and finds out where to see surfing dogs

6 Competitions: watch a murder 7 Dani says putting up alcohol prices is mean and will serve no purpose

8 Alison says be more highbrow 8 Will has some psychic feelings 9 Celeb City: Madonna naked in Brighton 10 Bare Cheek remembers laser quest at the Royal Pavilion

Pack of Lies and Russian spies

25 Brighton Festival Gill Kay on this year’s music programme


26 Film Get your fangs out for new vampire movie Let The Right One In

28 Comedy How to find your own voice

28 Art Coastal views by Susan Collins

29 Kids & Events Egg hunts and decorating

11 Interview: Phill Jupitus has some words of advice for aspiring comics

29 Books The author of The Damned Utd

★ latest news 12–14

Brighton  Latest Download Chart




12 News summary and Mary Mears 13 Phil Mills on women in the police force

★ latest lifestyle 14–22 14 Food: children’s food feature. We let the experts tell us where to take them

19 Hotlist: where to go, what to try 22 Health: how yoga helped a car

30 Music The Blockheads and festival news

33 Clubs Dance off those choccie eggs

34 Gay News from Pride’s AGM

36 TV The Secret Millionaire dissected and your seven-day Easter TV guide

accident victim



01273 818150

 Editorial: Advertising: Managing Editor Bill Smith

Production Editor Victoria Nangle

Business Director Angi Mariani

Editor Rachel Pegg

Creative Director Andrew Kay

Assistant Editor Zara Baker

Production Director Fiona McTernan

Music Editor Jeff Hemmings

Finance Manager Sharon Caple

Chief Sub Editor Alison Swann

Art Director Stephen King

Sub Editors Joe Curtin Patrick O’Donnell

Production Manager Neil Ive

Photography Tim Richardson Diana Frangi Design Rob Burdick Anand Day Peter Knight Steve Sawyer Staff Writer Dani Winch Clubs Writer Jaime Pettit Books Writer John O‘Donoghue

Advertising Director Lynne Edwards Advertising Manager Marie Viviani

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o it’s Easter at last and time to celebrate the benefits of four days off work (if you’re lucky). If you’re deciding how to spend the holiday, we’ve got everything from gigs of all shapes and sizes in music listings (p31) to family outings (p29) and what’s on at local theatres (p24). If you’re tempted by a night out with vibrant Asian cuisine and perhaps a bit of karaoke, why not use the long weekend to try Madame Geisha in East Street? See our cover feature on page 5. Sometimes it takes fresh eyes – or tastebuds – to help us make up our minds. For that reason, we enlisted some of Brighton’s youngest food reviewers to try out Sussex restaurants. Read the results in our kids’ food reviews section to choose where to take your family (p14). Brighton Festival next month looks set to push artistic boundaries and raise the profile of the city‘s arts scene across the world. Classical music and opera programmer Gill Kay spoke to us about the inspiration behind this year’s repertoire and how guest artistic director Anish Kapoor has invigorated the programme (p25). This issue of Latest 7 also has an exclusive interview with Phill Jupitus about impro, his heroes and starting out in comedy (p11). This is the first big weekend of the year for clubbers and there are some great lineups, including the launch of a bi-monthly Ministry of Sound residency; a DnB night with LTJ Bukem, Fabio and Grooverider; and the Stick It On Beachdown Festival launch party. They’re on different nights if you’ve got the stamina for all three; check out our club page (p33). It’s also a major weekend on the gay scene, with parties and promotions at Legends and Ghetto, while Revenge will host appearances from The Freemasons and The Saturdays and a Girls on Top Easter party – find out more in our weekly gay section, where you can read about new plans for this year’s Pride Festival (p34). If you’d rather spend your nights in front of a big screen, Let The Right One In, the acclaimed Swedish vampire movie, opens on Friday. In the film section, director Tomas Alfredson talks about how the 15-year-old vampire protagonist forces us to confront our ideas of anger and violence (p27). Whatever you decide to do, enjoy yourself and fingers crossed for some sun.

Advertising Executive Rachel Bryant Administration Claire Peerless Latest Homes Unit 1, Level 5 North New England House New England Street Brighton BN1 4GH

Rachel Pegg Latest 7 Editor



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When it comes to manufactured pop, Seann Walsh is certainly no ‘Sk8ter Boi’

Take that, pop stars op music, of course, is all product: defined, designed and refined as an object of commerce, not art. Pop stars and pop songs are not conceived in terms of any perceived level of ‘quality’, but image. The marketing department is the spoilt, favoured, pampered younger brother of what I’m reluctant to call ‘artistry’. Artistically, the aim is to produce something immediately catchy to the specified demographic. The hits are written, or tailored, or designed, or whatever one should call it, by failed singer-songwriters who eventually dropped the word ‘singer’ from that title, presumably because they lacked the marketability to make it. A pop song is like a joke: ephemeral, pointless to analyse, and unlikely to be found in anything involving Corden and Horne. It has to appeal from the moment you press play. It is not art: it’s craft. Given this approach, it seems an extraordinary fluke that there is so much good manufactured music. That’s a subjective


statement. I like the music of Take That and the Spice Girls. I like The Monkees. I like an awful lot of awful music. Most pop, however, offends me. Take Avril Lavigne, a prebreakdown Britney Spears for skateboard-worshippers who use phrases like, “Gnarly, dude,” and pretend to know what that means. The Avril Lavigne brand is an attempt to cash in on the success of late-90s high-school, spiky-haired, sweat band-wearing teen rock bands whose names appear to be constructed along the principle: pick a noun, any noun, and then pick a number, yielding such wastes of

“The brief is to contrive an artless copy of something credible”

noise as Sum 41 and Blink 182. It’s the same naming framework as applies to Room 101, where, coincidentally, they all belong. The Lavigne brief is as follows: contrive an artless emulation of something credible that someone else has invented, and try to establish the brand. It’s a symptom of the times. Since the 90s, when it was deemed okay to be the Backstreet Boys, we’ve become

wiser to the industry. Suddenly, some degree of personality and musical credibility is required. A band like Steps wouldn’t make it now. These days, the role of marketing is to cultivate an image that disguises the Avril Lavignes of this world. It still sticks in my mind that Avril Lavigne has been referred to as a pop-punk-poet. This is the problem with modern pop. The Spice Girls didn’t pretend to be much more than a girl band. Let’s analyse the two words of that title: ‘girl’: a young female human; ‘band’, a collective. So, a girl band must be a collective of female humans. And it is. And that’s all the Spice Girls were. They didn’t pretend to be anything else. Only the first word of pop-punk-poet survives the truth test for Lavigne. We can compare her to Britney Spears, a pop star. That’s fair. Is it fair to compare her to Joe Strummer? Or William Shakespeare? No. She’s a pop star. nothing more. Despite this, she has credibility. I’m not happy about it, though I doubt that she or any of her fans would allow my opinions to concern them. After all, she’s cool – and I listen to Take That.

latestcrossword Cryptic 188

solutions on page 32

Quick 188




1 Argument about equal rights (7) 5 Song composed in the ridge (5) 8 Leave to go in to confession (9) 9 Container for excise money (3) 10 Weapon made from bits of black stuff and iron (5) 12 Passage from former religious leaflet (7) 13 In quiet time of fast there follows question of abundance (6) 14 Aim at snake with venom (6) 17 Element of music without affectation (7) 19 Stiff platform I would make shorter (5) 21 The diluvian curve, perhaps (3) 22 Give injection to cat in collision with ice van (9) 24 She takes double measures (5) 25 Lived in dell patterned with dew (7)

1 A charlatan, by the sound of it (5) 2 Sheep out on a limb (3) 3 Drunken peers caught short with reverence (7) 4 Toiler made to dawdle (6) 5 Soldiers returning in support of professor of grammar (5) 6 Making known what's not very demure (9) 7 Measure name for permit (7) 11 In dialect it means roughly the same (9) 13 Fried mixture - a confection got from Greek god (7) 15 Domestic work practised in church? (7) 16 Component of muesli - Cedric has it cut thinly (6) 18 Street surrounded by Forces flyer (5) 20 River gripped by lifeless horror (5) 23 To be sick of beer, we hear (3)

1 Religious garment (7) 5 Carrying weaponry (5) 8 Decorate (9) 9 Tear (3) 10 Article (5) 12 Oriental (7) 13 Procession (6) 14 Unease (6) 17 Arithmetic form (7) 19 Senior (5) 21 Unwell (3) 22 Replying (9) 24 Pierced (5) 25 Go down (7)

DOWN 1 Summit (5) 2 Weep (3) 3 Morally bound (7) 4 Emperor (6) 5 Burned remains (5) 6 Felt astonishment (9) 7 Relies (7) 11 Uneven (9) 13 Identifying (7) 15 Unproductive (7) 16 Overcome by fumes (6) 18 Trademark (5) 20 Stiff (5) 23 Frozen confection (3)



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Proper little madame

From tea to cocktails, cakes to pan-Asian cuisine, Madame Geisha cuts a stylish dash in East Street hen Madame Geisha opened there was a tangible buzz. The owners invested hard in turning what had been a grill restaurant into an altogether more exciting concept. Madame Geisha truly earns the title of ‘hot nightspot’. With queues to get in some nights, it is clearly the place to be seen. By day the venue takes on a softer and more sedate role. Fine teas and cakes, all made by chef Joe in their own kitchen, are available, and in daylight the red and black funky Asian styling takes on a softer more refined look. The entrance-level bar is buzzing and you could be forgiven for thinking that this is just a bar, but climb the stairs and you will find a restaurant. Do not be mistaken, this is not just a clubby bar serving food. Far from it. Joe and his team have put together an exciting menu of vibrantly flavoured and visually stunning dishes that will have your tongue turning somersaults. From tapas-sized plates of exquisitely spiced dishes to full size main courses, there is invention at every turn. We loved the grilled halloumi with red pepper salad, fought over a great spiced seafood broth and a slippery noodle dish, and shared an excellent fillet of salmon in a sesame seed crust with bak choi. There is certainly something there for all palates and


pockets. Joe has utilised his Thai heritage to create a list of dishes that combine authenticity and invention with integrity too, as they are sourcing local produce and only using organic meats. The service, too, is great – really helpful and very friendly, and the staff have all been well trained and know the dishes properly. So, having dined in good style you can either sit back and relax or head upstairs to the top lounge. You may even slip into the karaoke suite and belt out a few classics if the mood suits. Madame Geisha is also available to hire for parties of all sizes, from private dinners to wedding receptions. The interiors are a sharp and eclectic; a blend of east meets west, classic meets urban, with great artwork and striking projections that reflect the styling of Bladerunner – with just a dash of James Bond. Madame Geisha is stylish and smart for sure – but not so smart that you can’t have fun – and it now has a brilliant menu of truly delicious dishes that far exceed expectations. All in all, Madame Geisha is the one-stop full night out on the town. Madame Geisha, 75-79 East Street, Brighton, BN1 1NF. Call 01273 770847,

“Madame Geisha is the one-stop full night out on the town”



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In it to Latest diary Richardson win it Tim hangs out with royalty at the Win an interactive murder mystery dinner package Budding sleuths are being invited to piece together the puzzle as Eastbourne’s Mowbray guest accommodation prepares to host brand new one-night Murder Mysteries. Following the sell-out success of their ‘Murder at the Mowbray’ themed weekends, the four star guest accommodation situated opposite Devonshire Park Theatre is turning the popular formula into an evening of dinner, bubbly and plenty of detective work. Starting this month as part of the Eastbourne Festival, the Mowbray will hold Murder Mystery dinner evenings every other Thursday. Guests will have just a few hours to listen to the reading of the Duke of Mowbray’s will and prepare to solve his murder. The Latest has teamed up with the Mowbray to give away a Murder Mystery dinner package for two people on Thursday 23 April. For your chance of winning just answer the following question: Which theatre is the Mowbray opposite? Tickets are priced at just £42 per person or £80 per couple. Guests can look forward to a glass of bubbly, a fourcourse dinner, and intrigue and surprise! Plus get a free bottle of wine when booking a group of four. Tickets are on sale now from The Mowbray, the Tourist Information Centre and online at or call 01323 720012.

Royal Pavilion and sees a big splash get launched in Hove

Royal fashion

Garden tours

Regency history was brought to life when the Prince Regent and his closest servants visited the Royal Pavilion. You were able to eavesdrop on the gossip of the day, observe how the unpopular but extremely fashionable Prince tried to cheer himself up with new shoes and new clothes all in the latest styles and learn the fascinating story of Sake Deen Mahomed, the original ‘Doctor Brighton’ and first celebrity hairdresser.

The Royal Pavilion launched Gardens Week 2009, the second annual celebration of the beautiful Grade II listed gardens. From Monday 25 to Sunday 31 May there will be talks, tours, practical workshops and family activities. Many events will be held under the cover of a Swedish Hat Kåtas tent. The week will feature fourtime RHS Chelsea Flower Show gold medal winner Andy Sturgeon. Also, back due to popular demand, is the opportunity to meet Royal Pavilion head gardener Robert Hill-Snook and enjoy a guided tour of the gardens followed by a cream tea. Gardens Week coincides with half term and families should not miss the children’s photography competition. The winner will get a prize and their picture will be turned into a card and sold in the Pavilion shop.

The Prince Regent

Emma Miller (Rockinghorse) and Jade McShane (Rockinghorse)

Dave Samuel (Paddle director) and Chiqui

Jen Collins and George Bowden (Feelfit, headline sponsor)

Make a splash

 To win, email: with ‘Mowbray’ in the subject box and your answer to the question in the body of the email. Don’t forget to leave your name, address and telephone number. Alternatively, write to us at the address at the front of the magazine. Closing date for entries: Friday 17 April

This year‘s Paddle Round The Pier launched at the Brunswick. The original Paddle Round The Pier was founded by Dave ‘Sandals‘ Samuel back in 1996. Over the past two years it has raised £41,000 for its chosen charities and is now considered to be Europe’s largest free charity watersports event. The 2009 Paddle Round The Pier (Saturday 4 and sunday 5 July) is set to be the biggest yet, with some 20,000 people expected over the two days to watch the world-famous Paddle Round The Pier, the SurfAid International (Euro) SUP Endurance Race, the Lagoon Watersports Dog Surfing Contest and much more. Once again the Paddle Village will be located on Hove Lawns and contains all of the on-the-land action, plus a shopping area, world food court and massive circus tent which will this year house the Brunswick main music stage and bars. This year’s three chosen charities are Rockinghorse, The RNLI and SurfAid International. For more information, visit



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Dani don’t know about you, but I really don’t think that making alcohol more expensive will hinder very many people from continuing with their binge drinking habits. Many people cannot really afford to buy alcohol anyway but still manage to find the cash. The things the people who are making the proposals don’t seem to realise is that, firstly, people with an alcohol dependency will go to extremes to get their hands on it (Not all of them, but some), and putting the price up will not change a thing. The people the idea is meant to help will still continue to buy alcohol. Let’s face it: some people who are extremely addicted will choose booze over food so a higher price won’t do much to sway them out of their drinking ways. Secondly, if the price was hiked, the whole nation would be being punished for the bad

behaviour of others. We are used to that happening at school (I still don’t understand the thinking behind that style of punishment) but I am sure we all expected it to finish once we entered the adult world but, oh, we were wrong, we all get the same treatment, just from a distance. Something else that crossed my mind was the fact that everything at one point or another will become a little more expensive and, at this point in time with everything seeming a lot more expensive than ever, the price of alcohol can only be somewhat expected to rise. There is only so long we can expect to get things at rock


Train of thought I tend to travel by train whenever possible. People complain about the service and, yes, it is annoying when the trains are cancelled and delayed, but overall it could be worse. I have noticed that some people only travelling one or two stops are under the impression that they shouldn’t have to buy a ticket. I don’t understand why some people think they are exempt from paying. But worse than the people who presume they don’t have to pay is when you are more than willing to pay but the ticket machine does not work and there is no ticket office open. You get on the train, try to buy one from the conductor and get told that you will not be able to use your railcard because you can only use it when buying your ticket at the station and not on the train!

Dani thinks that an increase in the minimum price of alcohol will do little to combat binge drinking

“What’s next? An increase in the price of cakes and biscuits?”

bottom prices for and, to be completely honest, the kind of person that buys the can of beer that is now some stupid price like 10p per can in certain supermarkets is certainly not buying it for the taste, so maybe stopping the sale of alcohol at ridiculous prices would at least do their taste buds a favour. But what is to come next? An increase the price of cakes and biscuits in a bid to stop those suffering with obesity from spending on a nibble? We have adverts on TV; there are posters in nightclubs and on bus shelters; and ads on the radio. What more can we do to stop people binge drinking? Personally, I don’t think the

current generation of binge drinkers will ever stop. It will be the generation that has been brought up bombarded with information about how bad alcohol is that will slow the current rise in drinking seen across the country. But even in the next generation there will be the minority that falls to the bottle. There is nothing anyone can do to stop it. Granted, adding a few extra pence on to each bottle might slow it – but only among those that choose to drink, not those who feel they need to.

 Comments? Get in touch:




Tel: 01273 207207

49 Norfolk Square (on Western Road), Brighton, East Sussex, BN1 2PA


Open Mon – Fri 9am – 5.30pm Sat 12am – 4pm




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Alison adio 4 morphed from the original BBC Home Service, in response to pirate radio. The aim was to set the bar high so people would have something to aspire to, so that even if life had thrown you the trickiest of sticks you could tune in and at the very least hear standard English. At best you might be inspired to go check out some Chekhov. In 1986, millions of people spent their Saturday nights tuning into a Dennis Potter drama – The Singing Detective. Can you imagine that now? What do we have for our feast of Saturday night ‘entertainment’? Ant and friggin’ Dec. Two ‘men‘ who have defied the ability to grow up, and who have an excess of head skin. I blame Noel Edmonds, he started it with his Mr Blobby nonsense. And he is still there, every day talking to deluded folk about their so-called ‘plan’ to win Deal Or No Deal. There is no plan. There is no Banker, just a stupid git with a beard, laughing his way home with all the money they could have won. My gran is 94, and the highlight of her day is a hot date with Noel. This is okay; she has been alive a long time. She is allowed to let her brain have some time off. The

Alison Swann looks at the cultural vacuum we are creating for ourselves



Will Harris considers experiences of a psychic nature

t was Christmas Eve two years ago when I had my first brush with the unexplained. I’d got up (same as usual), brushed my teeth, run my fingers through my rumpled hair (with, I’m pretty certain, the effect of only making it more rumpled still) and settled down on the sofa to watch 100 Greatest Musicals, Christmas being the one time of year when you can justifiably permit yourself a few jazz hands in the privacy of your own home. As I sat there, it slowly dawned on me that something was wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, but it sure as hell had a finger on me – five fingers to be exact, pulling me into the grip of a depression deeper and more inexplicable than I’d felt since binning the clubbing lifestyle some years before. This was sadness in its purest form, flooding the bones, misting the eyes and closing down every chink of daylight. I wouldn’t have minded but all I’d done was watch a few excerpts from Oliver. (Not even the bit where Nancy gets bumped off!) A few hours later, when my dad called me with the news my grandmother had gone the way of Nancy earlier that morning – advanced Parkinsons in her case, not throttled by a Victorian convict – of course I made the


“Ant and Dec. Two ‘men‘ who have defied the ability to grow up, and who have an excess of head skin”

woman has a beard for goodness sake. In fact I think it’s bigger than Noel’s. Maybe that is why she tunes in, to get styling tips. It all comes down to where we think the socalled ‘bar’ should be. Where it is considered acceptable to give up, tune in and drop out of bothering to use your brain. As the bar is lowered with each mindnumbing round of reality TV, pointless gameshows and intellectually untroubled shouty radio DJs, what are we saying? That, not bothering to make the effort to educate yourself or your children is an acceptable way to spend your life? A possible example of this has been in our faces recently in the froth and overexposure of Jade Goody’s final months. The tragedy is that she need not have died. She had a preventable cancer – if detected early enough. Maybe if Jade had been informed enough to know that going to the doctors when you get a dodgy scan could save your life, she might be around now. Brains, and using yours to educate yourself, are good for your health, and might just save your life. File on 4 anyone?

“It pulled me into the grip of a depression deeper and more inexplicable than I’d felt since binning the clubbing lifestyle”

connection. Was it blind coincidence, that wave of melancholy washing over me the same time my father, aunts and uncles heard the news of their mother’s death? Or was it something in our shared blood, a psychic distress signal broadcast by some unmapped region of the brain? My friend Nadia recently reminded me of this when she arrived at our lunch date shaking like a farmhouse in a Kansas tornado. “It’s not like I think about him constantly,” she explained, him being the boy with the yellow eyes who had broken her heart years before. “He just popped into my head as I was walking to the bus stop. That’s the only way I can describe it: pop!” In case you were wondering, ‘borderline hysteric girl thinks about ex-boyfriend’ is not the strange thing here. No, what really cooked Nadia’s noodle was that, having made an unprompted appearance in her thoughts, the boy with the yellow eyes put in another, very real appearance on her bus. Pop! “What do you think it means?” she asked, but, of course, I didn’t have an answer. In times gone by, people would swap stories of ghosts and gods. Real stories, especially those involving dead relations and buried relationships, are scarier by far.

 For comments and chit chat email:



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sponsored by


Red carpet pooch

with Jo Brooks

Katie books a long distance hair appointment, stars are spotted in the city and Madonna strips off

Laid bare

Hove resident Heather Mills is getting used to being alone now on the red carpet – not last week however! On a trip to Beverly Hills to see the new Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson romcom Marley and Me, Heather shared the photo opportunity with the real star of the film – that’s right, one of the Labradors who plays Marley. Heather is now sporting a new sleek short blonde crop – got to say Heather I like it! Photo by Sasha Gusov

Waiting for Sir Ian Passing the stage door of the Theatre Royal last week, I noticed a large crowd of autograph hunters – there are always the two same guys every week but this crowd was different – well bigger! Who were they waiting for? Actors Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellen of course! The duo – last seen together in XMen fighting off evil – were both starring in the classic Waiting for Godot. Earlier that week I spotted Four Weddings and a Funeral star Simon Callow at Clapham Junction station waiting for the Brighton connection. Simon, who gets confused with Simon Cowell when in the US, looked incredibly dapper in navy blue crombie and glasses on the end of his nose!

Izzard stripped Bexhill born comedian Eddie Izzard has just announced his latest tour dates and luckily for us, the Brighton Centre is on his list of stops. His new show called Stripped, has already seen Eddie play a sell-out 34 US cities plus three nights at Radio City Music Hall in New York, no mean feat. The Brighton gigs taking place between 27 and 30 November and will be his first for over six years, tickets are still available for the 27 and 28 shows from the Brighton Centre.

Close inspection Papa, don’t preach Madonna is always in the news – but here she is – in the nude as part of a major photography exhibition which is part of this year’s Fringe Festival. The series of Madonna nudes were taken in 1985 by New York photographer Martin Schreiber. The exhibition runs from 1 May to 31 May at the Impure Art Gallery.

Spotted on Brighton seafront – actor George Baker aka Inspector Wexford. George was I'm told looking rather casual while out for a stroll taking in the sea air.

Bad hair day? Our favourite Brighton celeb Katie Price has been taking time out from Tinsel Town over in Los Angeles – god we’ve missed her! The star made a flying visit back to her home town last week and popped into to her favourite beauty salon, the Lanes Health and Beauty!

Jo Brooks is director of Brighton-based PR company JBPR Ltd, 01273 622555,

10% service will be added. Offer valid until the end of May 2009 excluding Easter, Saturday evenings and bank holidays. Only one voucher per table. Not to be used in conjunction with any other offers



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Bare cheek

In & Out


Pirates edition

Brian Mitchell & Joseph Nixon’s thoroughly scurrilous Brighton column

In • Blackbeard • Keelhauling • Using the phrase ‘Me hearties’ • Long John Silver • Scurvy knaves

I remember… T

Then came the Second World War, and it was turned into a military hospital. Lots of famous folk convalesced there: James Stewart; David Niven; Danny La Rue; Porky Pig; Andy Pandy; Duck Turpin. I was there myself after accidentally shooting off my arms and legs one second before peace was declared. The funny thing is that I wasn’t even fighting at the front; in fact I was working in a dairy at the time. In the 1960s they converted it into flats. They were a funny lot who lodged at Pavilion Towers. I was an African medical student at the time, and shared rooms there with a genial, longhaired, yet sexually inexperienced, chap by the name of Alan. Below us was a spinster by the name of Miss Jones, and across the landing was a lesser-known character, who wasn’t in every episode, called Spooner. The place burnt down in 1969 when the landlord, one Rupert Rigsby, sent stark staring mad through loneliness, massacred his lodgers in a killing spree and

Astral Angi

Out • Redbeard • Walking the plank • Singing ‘Fifteen Men on a Dead Man’s Chest’ • Captain Pugwash • Scurvy

immolated himself with a can of paraffin. It was soon after that Brighton Council, as it was known then, had the bright idea of pretending that the Pavilion was of some historical and architectural value, thereby convincing the ratepayers to part with their readies to help fund a five trillion pound restoration. In the event the job only took three days, and cost about seven hundred quid. It was done by a couple of Polish brothers using sets left over from The Onedin Line and odd items of furniture found in the skip outside Gordon Jackson’s house. I myself once had an accident in the old place, once it was

he Royal Pavilion! Without the Japanese tourists who flock there to run a genuine oriental finger over the ersatz oriental wallpaper, our local economy would surely collapse. But what was it like before its present pristine state? 107-year-old Obadiah Frightnight remembers… “It always makes me laugh when people go on about what a beautiful building the pavilion is, because, when my family moved to Brighton in 1927, it was a right old pile of excrement. Since the council bought it from Queen Victoria in 1850 it had been allowed to go to rack and ruin. By the 20s it had been through a number of different incarnations – storehouse, temporary prison, blue-movie cinema, laser quest arena, brothel, lunatic asylum, branch of Our Price, Trocadero, Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame – and was just a shell, inhabited only by rats and tramps, and rats that had bred with tramps to create a very unattractive hybrid we called ‘trats’.

restored. It was a very hot day, and, feeling faint, I sat down on one of His Royal Highness’s Georgian commodes to get me breath back. Much to my surprise, as he was no sylph, the thing collapsed – instantly – and I was nabbed by two uniformed attendants, who took me away and locked me in the music room. They explained that the commode had been worth £5,000 and they demanded restitution. Clearly, I had no such sum on my person, and was thus fated to spend the next 11 years trussed up in the attic, giving the various members of staff on their tea breaks… (Continued on page 98)


This week Astral helps with holiday plans

Buy the CD Bardsley’s, country music with c-hip s-hop beats at Bardsley’s and Borders NOW!




Aries needs a break as much as we all need a break from Aries. Why not plan a week of solitude on a Hebridean island? Check out

Cancerians like to pretend that they like to holiday alone, but I know that just is not true. No, Cancer kids, what you need is a group tour. Check out

Librans should be prepared to put something back this year with a charity-based holiday experience. Denial could be your thing, so go to

CAPRICORN (DEC 21–JAN 19). Capricorn should certainly be using their vacations to meet old friends. Why not organise a school reunion? Find them all lurking on


LEO (JULY 23–AUG 22)



Taureans need to channel all that excess energy. A vacation in Espana should do the trick with this twist on a bullfighting theme. Check out www.howwouldyoulikeaknifing.esp.

Leos need to get in touch with their natural senses this summer. No I don’t mean naturism, what a terrible thought. I have a feeling that this link might help: – yum!

Scorpios can make every day feel like a holiday, which is simply sick – there’s no fun in that at all. Instead they should try something sobering like

Aquarians will no doubt have booked up for another week of yoga and meditation as they left last year’s hippy retreat. I suggest a change with





Geminis should use holiday time to bond with their families. Mend any broken links and rekindle those filial relationships. Why not check out

Virgos could always team up with Cancers for a bit of holiday sauce, but that may be all too much for our sensitive little Virgoans. Check out

Sagis are all to happy staying at home and I feel no compulsion to help them break that sad old habit. No, leave well alone I say. If you do have the internet then try

Pisceans need a simple fishing trip. What could be better than a week on the bank of a Scottish river being eaten alive my midges. Ah yes –


01273 681256



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Jumpin’ Jupitus! Victoria Nangle caught up with Phill Jupitus to talk about his upcoming podcast, impro and Billy Bragg hill Jupitus is busy writing a book, but he can’t tell us what it’s about. “I don‘t know if I‘m allowed to say.” He laughs apologetically. Is it fiction? “No, no, it‘s not. That‘s as far as I can go.” He pauses. “And it‘s not really about me either. Yeah, yeah. I can say that much.” He seems pleased. But now to his new one-off music, film and comedy night at the Duke Of York’s with his old BBC 6 buddy Phil Wilding.


Can you outline the format of the evening? Yeah. Basically, Phil and I were approached by Jon at the Duke of York‘s, who had been listening to the podcasts that we do called Phill and Phil's Perfect Ten. We were talking about doing it in front of an audience. The format of the podcast – I‘ve got to tell you (chuckles). It‘s interesting, you know, to be involved in comedy, having been on television and radio to then to go to a format where there is pretty much no editorial constraint over what you can and can‘t say. Obviously you sail within legal parameters. But we can say pretty much what we want. It‘s the closest thing to what I would chat about in a pub as anything. It‘s very different from anything I‘ve done before. I started in poetry, that was very structured and very constrained but wonderful to do. I‘ve been an illustrator, that‘s expression in one way. I‘ve been a stand-up comic for years, I do improvised comedy as well – what's the other thing I do? I never bloody remember.

“It's interesting to go to a format where there is pretty much no editorial constraint ” Blockheads? (Phill sometimes fronts The Blockheads) Oh yeah, singing with bands and stuff. There‘s plenty of outlets. But this is the one that kind of makes me the most nervous because it‘s quite unvarnished. (chuckles). Very little thought goes into it. It‘s quite immediate as well, which is what I like. We set ourselves up with a half an hour set to a very rigid digital clock, and then we have to talk about ten things. The subjects are sent in by the people who listen to the podcasts or we generate questions ourselves, but we don‘t know what order they‘re coming out in. It‘s going to be quite a multimedia evening. Quite a busy night out for those who do the whole run of it. We do a Perfect Ten. Then we show Anchorman. Then we do another Perfect Ten. Then that‘s the end of the evening. And then we will be DJing in the bar outside the cinema til half one in the morning. What advice would you give to improvisers and comics? Hmmm. The advice I‘d give is that you're not allowed to look for an agent until you‘ve been doing what you‘re doing for five years.

Seriously, do it on your own until you desperately need an agent. I‘m appalled that there are kids in Edinburgh that haven‘t done ten gigs that are looking for agents. Learn to do what you do first. This doesn‘t apply to the improvisers, just the stand-ups – don‘t ask the audience questions. Stand-ups should not ask questions of an audience. And young stand-ups should just tell an audience things. What happens is the young stand-up says – so, is there anyone in from Basildon tonight? And then nobody answers. You‘re done, you‘re finished for the evening. Do not ask an audience questions until they totally trust you. Who do you admire? Billy Bragg. Always have. That‘s a career to model your own on really. He‘s good. And he‘s funny as well. He could‘ve been a standup quite easily. When you see him and he‘s really on form he‘s one of the funniest acts you‘ll ever see. The last question I ask him is to guess as to whether his book is about Ian Dury, the original frontman for The Blockheads. “I wish,” he chuckles, and won’t say another word on the matter. Phill and Phil’s Perfect Ten, Duke of York Picturehouse, 23 May. Booking line: 0871 7042056



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days of headlines

Eminent experimental psychologist Steven Pinker added his voice to protests against the closure of a university linguistics department. Pinker, who popularised the theory that language is an ‘instinct’ and was named as one of the most influential people in the world by TIME magazine, said the move by Sussex University would be “a big step backwards”

Under-17s and over 60s were given the chance to claim access to free swimming at council-run pools in Brighton and Hove. Eligible swimmers must register using a passport or original birth certificate for under 17s or a driving licence or passport for over 60s. Free swimming is allowed at certain times.

The South Downs became England’s tenth National Park. It includes the hotly contested Western Weald, Ditchling and Lewes, after 20,000 postcards were sent to Defra asking to keep those areas within the boundary.


God squad World leaders, animals and celebrities will be seen gathered in church for a bizarre service during Brighton Festival. Local fine artists Sam Hewitt and Shardcore have invited artists to submit life-size seated portraits of anyone they like to be lined up along the pews at St Paul’s Church in West Street. The exhibition is part of the Artists Open Houses Festival. Last year they held a similar exhibition, MASS, at Clermont Church near Preston Park Station which featured 58 portraits of characters including Tony Blair, Osama Bin Laden, a topless woman and a pig in a US Army uniform. This year’s exhibition opens

Be proud Brighton and Hove city council leader Mary Mears on what makes us special ’m proud to announce that the council will be honouring a true legend, Henry Allingham, who is one of only two surviving veterans of World War One. On Thursday 30 April we’ll give Henry the ‘freedom of the city’ and we’ll be calling on the Government to also bestow Henry with a national honour. It’s going to be a time of great celebration over the coming weeks and months. The Brighton Festival (Saturday 2 to Monday 25 May) is shaping up to be the best event the city has ever seen and the Brighton Fringe


(Saturday 2 to Monday May) is also expected to be a sell-out. In May we’ll have the Great Escape Festival (Thursday 14 to Saturday 16 May) which will see over 300 local and international artists performing in venues across the city. And there’ll be more events during summer such as the International Festival of Sport and Pride in Brighton and Hove.

“It’s going to be a time of great celebration””

on Monday 4 May and will open every day from 12pm-4pm for three weeks. Shardcore said: “Churches have been used by thousands of people for hundreds of years, but today we just ignore them. The spaces still have a power and people still behave in a churchy way when they visit them. In and of themselves, churches are really interesting spaces.“ Although, they have already confirmed many paintings by artists from around Brighton, London and Bristol they are appealing for more. Anyone who would like to contribute a painting should visit to register before Saturday 18 April.

The council is also doing its bit for the city. We want residents and visitors to learn more about the city and explore parts they wouldn’t normally find, which is why we’re launching six new podcast walking trails about the city – downloadable from from April.

Egg-citing This Easter, local letting specialist Leaders will be giving tenants the chance to win up to £100 off their administration fees and win an Easter egg. All tenants reserving their rented property with Leaders between Friday 3 and Friday 17 April will be given the opportunity to take part in a lucky dip to win vouchers which can be redeemed against their fees. Leaders’ Hove branch manager, Gail Scannell explains: “When they come in to reserve their property, we will invite our tenants to pick an egg from our Easter basket. Each egg will contain a money-off voucher, up to the value of £100, which they can use immediately. “Then, when they collect the keys to their new home at the point of completion, we will give them a delicious Easter egg to enjoy!” All Leaders’ branches are taking part in the promotion: Brighton Pavilion, New Rd: Call 01273 675571 Brighton, Western Rd: Call 01273 720714 Brighton, Fiveways: Call 01273 561534 Hove: Call 01273 321721

Each trail will be on a different theme: A walk through time, Art & Sculpture in the city, Film and TV connections, History of LGBT culture in Brighton, Hidden Hove and The people who made Brighton and Hove. There’s so much to celebrate in our city, including our very own Henry Allingham.



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Field of gold

Phil Mills reports on the changing police force and a toddler welcoming spring

Police progress A sex war being waged within Sussex Police is threatening male dominance in the force – but most of the men are welcoming the invasion. It’s a non-combative battle which aims to support women and encourage them into higher ranks – currently, there is no woman in the force in a rank higher than superintendent. Over 400 officers and staff attended the official launch of EVOLVE, a new support network to raise the awareness and understanding of issues affecting women working in the force. Key guest Sally Gunnell spoke about how she achieved her aim of becoming an Olympic champion and how she then turned to new goals when she became a working mother.

“Currently there is no woman in the force in a rank higher than superintendent”

In true ‘female’ fashion, she even had to rummage through the contents of her handbag to produce the gold medal she won in the 1992 Barcelona Olympics to show to the audience. Best selling crime author Peter James, who has befriended Sussex Police and gained insight into its workings for his writing, also attended and offered his support. One Sussex policeman told Latest 7: “Emancipation for women has been happening for years and this is another step forward. “Some old timers will still believe men should rule the roost but that’s old fashioned thinking in this day and age. Most of us blokes welcome it.” The event, which took place at Mannings Heath Golf Club near Horsham, was opened by Marion Fanthorpe, director of Human

Three-year-old Ethan Heim from Brighton heralds the arrival of spring with a romp through a glorious field of daffodils at Leonardslee Lakes and Gardens near Horsham. The season is well underway and Wakehurst Place has this week unveiled its Easter offerings.

Children will be able to take part in an Easter Gem Trail around the Kew’s country estate near Haywards Heath over the coming bank holiday weekend. The Easter Gem Trail runs from Good Friday to Easter Monday (April 10 to 13) from 11am to 4pm, and costs £2 per participant, including an Easter egg.

Resources, who said: “Today is about the contribution women can make to take Sussex Police forward, celebrating the contribution women are making but more importantly about realising our potential to contribute so much more. This event is about women from across the force coming together, finding common ground, gaining confidence and getting our perspectives recognised and understood.” The launch followed a consultation conference in November and EVOLVE now has an elected board and a steering group. Chief Constable Martin Richards said: “I have always known that there is a lot of talented people in Sussex Police and it is great to see them all here together under this very elegant roof. This is all about opportunity and the wide range of talent this force has can only help us to serve Sussex.” Supt Steve Barry said: “EVOLVE has really fired up some of the key decision makers and has shown the force's desire to inform and support those who are most affected by gender issues in the workplace. “While EVOLVE is centred around female members of staff, there are many issues that also affect male members of staff, particularly with the high proportion of staff who have partners in the job but also in relation to flexible working. “EVOLVE needs to be more than a talking shop and that constructive progress needs to be made, whether it be in relation to uniform, flexible working hours or organisational blockages to progression.” More than 150 people signed up on the day to become members of EVOLVE.



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Food & drink Andrew Kay hands over the reins to a gang of kids who know what they like

Only kidding I tell you, there is no shortage of youngsters out there simply chomping at the bit to get my job. And who can blame them? My life, or a part of my life at least, is spent indulging in all things gastronomic, gourmet, gourmand, bon viveur and bon vivant, and it’s a job – hoorah! Seriously though, it is a job that I do with a certain amount of passion. I genuinely love what I eat, I love eating out, shopping for food and cooking food. But I love nothing more than the look of pure delight on someone’s face when they taste something new or something very special. And that look is never better then on the face of a young person. The media is full of stuff about food and kids but on the whole it is about fads, phobias, allergies and eating disorders. There are plenty of kids out there who love food as much as I do. Not everyone under the age of sixteen is craving a sweet bap filled with mechanically extruded animal stuff with a token whisper of iceberg lettuce and a slick of hideous mayo. No, I know plenty who will join with me in a plate of mussels, a dish of olives and a pretty spicy curry too. As a country we need to spend time making sure that future

generations are properly nourished but not by continuously harping on about the bad news, let’s have some good news too. Here is some very good news, once again les petits enfants gourmands have been out doing my job for me. This year nine children hit Sussex and came back with reports from a wide range of great places to eat. I gave them paper, pencils and some notes and hoped that they would come back having rejected where possible dismal kids‘ menus in search of restaurateurs who want our young to enjoy proper food. And once again they have done their stuff – in their usual disarmingly frank way. I think it is safe to say that they all had a good time. Many of them went to places that I have already been, and enjoyed too. But this week let’s listen to the voice of youth, which we will leave as near as possible in their own words. I think it’s a refreshing exercise and one that keeps me on my toes. Dip in and enjoy, as they have.



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Bardsley’s Fish and Chip Restaurant

Cromwells at Golding Barn

Reviewed by Miriam Veil-Powley, age eight. The second I set foot in the restaurant, I could sense that something special was on its way. When I went inside, the waiters were very kind and welcoming and Roy came over to us to make sure my visit was going well. Everything looked neat and smelt so fishy – I’m speaking nicely – and you could smell lovely chips frying. I was worrying. ‘What if the place isn’t that nice?’ I said, shredding my nails. “Don’t worry! It’ll be all alright,“ said my mum. There was no need to worry, (or destroy my silver painted nails!). Nothing was bad – except going home. The food was served in excellent time and everything you asked for came exactly mimicking the image you had in your head of the meal you ordered literally two seconds ago. For a starter I had the world’s best three prawns with a crunchy side salad and a hand-washing bowl. Then – my mum does not want to read this part – I had a can of icy coke. For the main meal I ate the best local cod with the crunchiest chips! Roy came over and asked if you would like the fish skin off! You don’t see that every day! There was sauces including Heinz tomato ketchup, mayonnaise and a lovely sauce called Tartare. On the menu, there was a vegetarian section and a special children’s menu. For dessert, I ate some soothing blackcurrant and lemon sorbet, which I thought was on top of the world. On blackboards there were things like ‘local cod only £2.50’. My aunt said the wine menu was brilliant and they make the best tea. When she said it was time to go, I groaned and said thank you to everyone – politely, but was sulky in the car on the way home. Bardsley’s Fish and Chip Restaurant, 22-23 Baker Street, Brighton. Call 0871 2071818

Reviewed by David Kay, 14 Our lunch was absolutely brilliant. We first sat and had drinks, ordered our food and then moved into the restaurant area. I didn't have a starter, but they looked amazing. Dad had vegetable spring rolls with sweet chilli jam. Julie had a pork and chicken terrine and uncle Andrew, smoked fish mousse with homemade potato crisps. My younger brother Gabriel decided to avoid the starters to leave room for something special at the end. All our meals were impressive. I had the special, lamb cutlets with spicy couscous. An incredibly tasty dish. The lamb was cooked really well and all the fat was cut from the meat so it was easy to eat and very tender. The couscous was spicy but not overpowering. I didn't want to pick up the bone to get all of the meat from it but my uncle bullied me into it and the meat was cooked to perfection. Gabriel had bangers and mash with NO gravy. The mash had a huge spiraling Cumberland sausage on top. It must have been more than a foot long if laid in a straight line. He said it was “um, good“, which is quite an achievement to get out of him. Well done chef! My brother and I were going to have an orange brownie, but they had sold out so we chose orange queen of puddings, brilliant and I expect nicer than brownies. There was a sponge base, then orangey marmalade covered with meringue. It was one of the best puddings that I have had. The other puddings included a banoffee creme brulée, which is really two desserts in one. Our meal was really tasty and it a perfect lunch time meal. Overall posh, tasty, but really friendly. Cromwells at Golding Barn Restaurant. Golding Barn Henfield Road Nr Small Dole, Brighton. Call: 08717041633

BARDSLEYS Fried Fish Shop & Restaurant Seating for 100 22/23/23A BAKER STREET, BRIGHTON BN1 4JN

Tel Brighton 681256 Skate - Haddock - Cod - Huss etc



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Pinocchio Reviewed by Louis Nangle, age 11 Pinocchio is a very nice restaurant, nice paintings, full of people, yet not too cramped or noisy. The service was very helpful, the waiter seemed happy, always giving you a smile and probably enjoys his job. In total, there were 143 dishes, desserts and drinks on offer. Ranging from pizza and pastas (including wheat free options) to gourmet salads, fish and meat dishes. There was an under 12’s menu and an option to have smaller dishes. I thought the children’s menu wasn’t as good as the adult’s menu, as there wasn’t as much choice. I had a minestrone soup for starters, very nice! Then for main I had a lasagne (my favourite) and I thought it was a very generous portion, a bit too big, but that’s my fault as I forgot to order a small! My friends had succulent grilled sardines, crispy calamari rings, which I also tried – they were really tasty, and a delicious pizza dripping with four cheeses. Then for pudding, which was very enjoyable, I had a coppa which consisted of a big glass of pistachio and vanilla ice cream, topped with whipped cream, chocolate sauce, biscuit and a surprise chunk of nougat at the bottom. It was a bit over the top, but in a good way! I’d definitely go again! Pinocchio 22 New Road, Brighton. Call 01273 677676

L’Eglise Reviewed by Kirsty Clark age 12 My mum and I went out to a French restaurant called l'Eglise for Sunday lunch. Inside it looks like a traditional French bistro, painted dark red and cream with a lot of dark wood and a dark brown with a leather sofa all the way down one side of the room. On the walls there are long mirrors and black and white photos. The atmosphere in the restaurant is calm and relaxed and the waiters are all friendly and helpful. On the menu there is a choice of eight different starters, eight main courses, six starters and then, the specials of the day. The menu is always changing but they always serve popular dishes like moules frites and steak frites. Sometimes they even have SNAILS! There’s no children’s menu, but who wants to go to a lovely restaurant and have a kid’s meal? We chose from the special Sunday roast menu. I chose slow-roast pork belly and my mum had roast leg of lamb. The pork was so well cooked it almost melted in your mouth, the potatoes were crunchy and crisp and perfect and the (four different) vegetables were sweet and soft. While we waited for our meal we were served tapenade on toast and fresh French bread, all delicious. For pudding we were so full we shared a green apple sorbet, which was completely refreshing. The portion size was just right for my mum, but for me it was slightly too big. While we were there, the restaurant got really busy, it’s definitely popular and I can see why. There is also a pretty outside seating area for the summer. I would definitely recommend L’Eglise to anyone who appreciates food. L'Eglise, 196 Church Road, Hove. Call 01273 220868



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Zilli Brasserie at myhotel

Terre à Terre

Reviewed by Gabriel Kay age 11 Zilli’s family Sunday lunch was worth travelling 200 miles for. On entry we had a warm greeting and were shown to a circular table beautifully detailed with a spiral of inlaid shell. The décor was modern and sharp yet relaxed and comfortable. Behind us were huge crystals, glistening in the sunlight that poured through the full height windows that surround the room. The restaurant had embraced the family atmosphere welcoming babies and providing gentle, staffed activities for young children. The buffet-style meal started with a selection of Italian salads, soup and oysters. The refreshing colours of the salads and the range of flavours suited many tastes, the butternut squash being a favourite. The main course options were roast pork, roast beef, chicken, salmon and meat or vegetable lasagne, served with roasted root vegetables plus a fish and shellfish casserole. The beef was tender and juicy with a mustard crust and the pork served with crisp crackling. The portions of the soft, moist salmon and the lasagne were generous and filling. Dessert was ‘help yourself’ to lemon tart or fruit crumble with a light cream sauce and the chocolate fountain was an exciting way to coat your own profiteroles. We were treated with a lot of care and the staff were keen to make sure that everything was satisfactory, without being intrusive. Although the restaurant seemed quite posh and sophisticated it was not at all expensive for a lovely family meal in elegant surroundings. We all agreed that it was a really nice way to end our trip to Brighton. Zilli Brasserie, 17 Jubilee Street, Brighton. Call 01273 900 383

By Max and Stefan Curzon-Price Aged 16 This is a place of high, professional standards. You are greeted with a feeling of relaxing, friendly yet proficient service. Our coats and scarves were whisked away as we were shown to our seats and presented with the menu. We were unaware of what to expect. There are a huge variety of strictly vegetarian dishes, packed with huge amounts of flavours, plus sides and ‘picky bits’. Every option is interesting, a new experience, much more than run of the mill. We were pleasantly surprised at the detail and effort that had been put into every dish. We shared a Terre away tapas: a gigantic platter of colourful, enticing foods that can be described as nothing less than delicious! The small portions ranged from Indian-style, Babaganesh (an aubergine-based dip) to Greek-fried halloumi. Even the garlic bread had been enhanced to something particular and scrumptious! Finding ourselves very satisfied by the starter, we gave ourselves a moment before the main! Something even more delectable and unique. We ordered chana chaat, an Indian dish: poori layers with chana peas, black salt, smashed potato, a small bowl of soup and a very cute little muffin for dipping – all of which tasted magnificent! Again, they out did themselves with fantastic food and service. Unfortunately, we had no space for dessert and felt gutted at having to refuse the wonderful choices. We did take home some delectable salted caramel truffles, which we savoured at home. Terre à Terre offers so much more than just a meal out. It offers a new experience to any customer. The welcoming service and décor ensures that you are comfortable the moment you enter and as soon as you’re eating, you are guaranteed to question that meat is even a necessary part of your dinner! Terre a Terre is a fantastic restaurant which we would recommended to everybody! Terre a Terre, 71 East Street, Brighton, BN1 1HQ. Call 01273 729 051

THREESOME! myhotels are offering a three-night getaway staying in all three of their hotels: myhotel Bloomsbury, myhotel Chelsea and myhotel Brighton. Starting in the buzz of Bloomsbury and ending by the sea in Brighton, all transfers are included in this threesome package which gives guests the full myhotels experience and a chance to appreciate the individuality of all three properties. The threesome package includes one night’s bed and breakfast accommodation at myhotel Bloomsbury, myhotel Chelsea and myhotel Brighton. (Private transfers to each hotel, train fare to Brighton from London Victoria (and a complimentary welcome cocktail at each property are also included. (Prices start at £247.50 per person inc.VAT based on two people sharing a superior double. For more information please contact Reservations on 020 7637 2000.

The Brasserie at myhotel Brighton

Guestroom at myhotel Chelsea



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Chilli Pickle

Bright, cheerful and welcoming food pub in Fiveways Fresh, seasonal, locally-sourced food cooked in our open kitchen Freshly cooked children’s menu All wines available by the glass or bottle Food served seven days a week 88 Havelock Road, Brighton, BN1 6GF 01273 542271

Reviewed by Natalie Clark aged 11 My mum and I went on a Saturday lunchtime. This restaurant is modern, comfortable, bright and nice. There were quite a few couples eating as well and children including toddlers and babies. Our waiter was was very friendly and the service was great. We chose from the street food menu. The owner, Dawn, explained that this was the kind of food that you would buy at a stall in India. There were 27 things on the menu, mainly street food, but also thalis and Masala Dosas. We chose sticky vindaloo ribs, chilli cauliflower pakoras, samosas, Kerala salad, black lentil dal and naan bread! The food was delicious and looked amazing! If I had to choose a favourite it would have to be the sticky vindaloo ribs. The portions were exactly the right size, but we did have to work really hard to finish it – we ended up taking some home. There were plenty of drinks. I had coca cola and my mum had tap water. We couldn't manage pudding, so we had Indian sweetmeats and my mum had special tea. The sweetmeats looked amazing. My favourite was ginger and pistachio halva. My mum's favourite was the round coconutty one. I like spicy food but none of the food here was too hot. I would definitely recommend it as a good place to take kids of any age. Chilli Pickle, 42 Meeting House Lane, The Lanes, Brighton. Call 01273 323824

Preston Park Tavern

Newly opened and refurbished with stylish and cosy interior Hearty, wholesome modern British menu Fresh, seasonal and locally sourced ingredients Freshly cooked children’s menu All wines available by the glass or bottle Lunch & dinner served Tuesday to Saturday, Sunday lunch 12-6pm

28 Upper Hamilton Road, Seven Dials, Brighton, BN1 5DF 01273 556708

Reviewed by Rhiannon Price aged five The restaurant has lots of lovely colours, a big clock and mirror on the wall. I liked the big painting of a paw paw and the red, yellow and purple lights. I could see the chef cooking my food. The waitresses were friendly and gave me the children’s menu. It has a dot to dot puzzle, colouring pictures and they gave me crayons. I had blackcurrant juice to drink in a nice pink plastic cup. For starters, I ordered from the grown-up menu red peppers and vegetables on toast with goats cheese. There was a vegetable that tasted like pineapple and yummy red peppers on crispy toast. I liked the goat’s cheese – it was creamy. Mummy had smoked salmon. It looked pretty because it was round with zigzags of sauce. She said it was delicious. I went to the toilet and it was very clean – I checked it all over. Mummy said the soap was eco-friendly and toilet paper recycled. The children’s menu had three choices: homemade pasta, sausages and chicken goujons. I chose chicken, which was free-range with chips and salad. The chips were nice and crunchy and absolutely long. The chicken was really yummy. I enjoyed this even better than my starter. I ate a lot but I didn’t eat it all because I wanted to fit in pudding. Mummy had rib-eye steak and said it was the best ever and you could cut it like butter. Daddy had coq au vin and said it was great. I had chocolate brownie with ice cream from the grown-up menu. This was my favourite. The ice cream was made with a plant – a vanilla pod and was tasty. It was very big and Mummy finished it. I really like the restaurant. I want to go back and eat there again. Preston Park Tavern, 88 Havelock Road, Brighton. Call 01273 542271



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The Chimney House Reviewed by the Graves twins, aged 12 We arrived at the restaurant at lunchtime and straight away we were met and shown to our table. The waitress was really friendly and helpful. She gave us a menu – a children’s menu and some colouring pens – we didn’t like to say we were too old for colouring! But we did enjoy doing the word search inside. She left us for a few minutes. We had a quick look around. Although it seemed quite small it looked very clean. There were about eight tables with fresh flowers on each. There were two chefs working and the kitchen area was open plan so you could keep an eye on them! The waitress came back and asked us what we would like to drink. We both chose coke. As it was lunchtime, there were no starters on the menu. There were side dishes and a choice of seven main courses. The children’s menu was for children up to 12-years-old. We both decided to order from the main menu. Between the four of us – we thought we would take our mum and dad along – we chose some bread and olive oil/balsamic vinegar and some salt and pepper squid from the side orders for our starters, and we chose the Sussex pork sausages with mash potato and beef burger with Sussex cheddar cheese, bacon and chips. When our starters came, we all quickly decided the squid was the best that we had ever eaten, and squid is a family favourite. When our main courses arrived it was piping hot. We both didn’t think we would be able to get through them as there was plenty. It tasted as good as it looked, and although we were full up, we didn’t leave any, but we really had no room for a dessert. We really enjoyed this restaurant and recommend it to readers. A definite ‘thumbs up’ to The Chimney House from The Graves Twins! The Chimney House, 28 Upper Hamilton Road, Brighton, 01273 556708

latest hot


Restaurants British and modern European Bardsley’s Probably Brighton’s most popular fish and chip shop and restaurant with a large loyal clientele. Traditional and family-run with all your favourites and excellent daily fish specials. Open for lunch and dinner Tuesday to Saturday, it’s also a great party venue. There are massive fish platters and good seasonal seafood. Fish can be fried, grilled or poached, plus there are vegetarian choices. 22–23a Baker Street, Brighton, 01273 681256.

Birdcage Walk The place to relax, eat good, fresh food and enjoy a drink: latte, glass of wine or a beer. A grown-up bistro with a laid back atmosphere, where you can enjoy a night out without having to shout above music and a place to nurse your hangover with a big breakfast or Sunday lunch. Head chef Toby Humphreys (ex Gingerman) has designed a modern European menu – with a menu change every six weeks enabling an up-to-date selection of seasonal dishes. 300 Ditchling Rd, Fiveways, Brighton, BN1 6JG, 01273 561757

Chimney House Recently opened with a stylish and cosy new interior and excellent modern British food, this family pub offers some of the best fresh, seasonal, home-cooked food in the city at great value. A wholesome and hearty menu, includes locally-caught fish and other Sussex produce. Pop in for a bowl of soup and glass of wine at lunchtime or a hearty three-course dinner. 28 Upper Hamilton Road, Seven Dials, Brighton, BN1 5DF, 01273 556708

The Coach House Friendly restaurant bar in the city centre serving an excellent range of home-cooked food, separate evening and lunch menus, and Sunday roasts. Great mussels, steaks, soups and a good wine list. In the winter, a central open fire roars. In summer, soak up the sun on the pretty terrace. The warm atmosphere and good value pricing make this a popular local haunt. 59 Middle Street, Brighton, 01273 719000,

Seattle Restaurant This breathtaking restaurant, upstairs at Seattle Hotel, has great views and the best seasonal, local produce and

locally-caught fish. Food is unpretentious modern British, by top chef David Edward, who has worked with chefs like Gordon Ramsay. The restaurant is family-friendly. Head to the Seattle Bar for coffee, afternoon tea, cocktails or a night cap. It’s near Seattle Hotel – or spend £75 in the restaurant on Sunday night, and you stay over for free! Brighton Marina, Brighton. Call 01273 679799,

Preston Park Tavern A bright, cheerful and welcoming food pub in Fiveways offering a gastronomic experience in a relaxed atmosphere. Locals and foodies mix in this familyfriendly pub – a hidden gem, which has remained busy through word of mouth. The daily changing menu, using delicious local, seasonal produce, is complemented by an impressive and good value wine list, all available by the glass or bottle, and good Sussex beers. 88 Havelock Road, Brighton, BN1 6GF. 01273 542271

Sevendials Restaurant A smart restaurant serving excellent food and a sensible variety of menus in chic surroundings. From a simple lunch to a full à la carte dinner. Cooking reflects the seasons rather than fashion and quality is paramount, with great locally caught fish, game and desserts, and a wine list full of affordable treats. Use the terrace when the weather is warm or the dining room for a treat. 1 Buckingham Place, Brighton, 01273 885555

Sam’s of Brighton Sam’s offers a more relaxed dining experience. The dishes served are classic yet creative, with a focus on seasonal ingredients. Examples are natural smoked haddock and salmon fish pie with a free-range poached egg or chargrilled Scotch rib-eye steak with proper chips, plum tomato and house butter. 1 Paston Place, Brighton, 01273 676222,

Chinese Gars Restaurant Stunningly refurbished, this old Brighton favourite has attained a new lease of life. An exciting menu with some great new ideas and a wholly different experience in terms of style and presentation. Smart service, beautiful interiors and a truly chic atmosphere make this one of the city’s top places to be seen. Start downstairs at the bar before rising to the upper dining room. Eat from £10. 19 Prince Albert Street, Brighton 01273 321321,

French The Arrogant Frog Early Frog is available Tuesday to Friday at £20/13.95 between noon and 1pm. In the evening, buy one dish from the á la carte menu, get 50 per cent off the second main course (Tuesday to Thursday). Plat du jour at £7.95/9.95.



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20 HOT LIST The Chilli Pickle

of unique dishes, sample a cocktail or a bottle of wine from the comprehensive wine list. Thai food made with fresh, authentic ingredients – grown by the family of the restaurant’s owners. Enjoy – :“Sanuk” 165-169 Princes House, Princes Place North St, Brighton, 01273 773030,,

Coffee shops Spinelli Coffee Spinelli Coffee combines the best of modern Italian café culture with greattasting, high-quality specialty coffee and mouth-watering pastries and savouries, the ultimate ‘coffee experience’. Beautiful oak sliding doors look onto a heated outdoor seating area with sea views, with free Wi-Fi or just relax. In Kemp Town Village, just off St George’s Road and College Road. Spinelli Coffee, 24 Garnet House, College Road, Brighton, 01273 818819

Moksha Caffe Brighton

Enjoy a lunchtime bowl of homemade soup with French bread for only £4.95. Gourmet evening on the third Thursday of every month, £49.50 including service for six courses and six glasses of wine. 119 Church Road, Hove, 01273 721488,

12–6pm at £9.95 or relax on a Sunday with a delicious French Sunday roast. 196 Church Road, Hove, 01273 220868,

well as à la carte. The haunt of celebs in season from soap stars to politicos. Fun, friendly and fabulous value. Brighton Place, Brighton, 01273 775477,


Fat Leo



French patisserie on Queen’s Road. Everything is prepared each morning on the premises by their French gourmet pastry chef. Front of house serves coffee, cinnamon hot chocolate or homemade lime ice tea, amongst others. Seating by a mural of the roofs of Paris is relaxing and bohemian. A recent French visitor said: ”The best croissant in Brighton, better than any I found in Paris!” 48 Queen’s Road, Brighton, 01273 777412

This place is unlike other Indian restaurants – Chaula’s is renowned for its signature dishes, distinctive décor and friendly staff. All meals are made fresh to order and every curry has its own distinctively flavoured sauce. Also a wide variety of vegetarian, vegan and gluten and wheat-free dishes. Buffet available 11am–3pm Mon–Sat, and a ‘light bites’ menu. Eastgate House, 6 Eastgate street, Lewes, BN7 2LP, 01273 476707,

New Steine Bistro

The Chilli Pickle

Cosy French bistro with regular art exhibitions, creating the perfect setting for the appreciation of traditional homemade French cuisine. A hidden gem and very reasonable too! Daily evening menu of twocourses £10.50, three-courses £12.50 on weekdays, and two-courses £14.50, three courses £16.50 on Friday and Saturday. À la carte menu Tuesday to Saturday 6–10pm. 10-11 New Steine, Brighton, 01273 681546 or 695415

The Chilli Pickle is an Indian Bistro in the heart of the old lanes. The food is regional Indian cuisine executed at the highest level. Lunch is packed full of Indian street food as well as a good selection of thalis and the everpopular Masala Dosa. Sumptuous feasts at dinner include the national award-winning Oxtail Madras. Belgian beers, luxury loose teas and a well chosen wine list also feature. 42 Meeting House Lane, Brighton, 01273 323824

The budget branch of the Donatello stable but you’d be hard-pressed to see why. Quality family dining in the Italian mould but a little less expensive. Popular with students and young families, Fat Leo has trendy interiors, including the toilets, and a menu which is utterly affordable with the signature set-price boards proclaiming any two courses £5.95, any three courses £7.95. 16-17 Market Street, Brighton, 01273 325135

Thai Sabai Filled with stylish Thai furnishings, Sabai transports you to the beach bars of Samui and the restaurants of Bangkok. Browse the extensive menu

Moksha is Brighton’s ultimate independent café, with their own blend of locally roasted coffee made by highly trained baristas. An excellent range of homemade cakes and sandwiches all made on site with favourites like battenburg, quiches and gluten-free options. Spacious interior and works of local artists. Child friendly, with disabled access and free WIFI. Free live music or comedy every Saturday night. Moksha Caffe, 4-5 York Place, 01273 248890

Bars Koba Bar and Club Koba hosts a happy hour in the front bar between 5-7pm all week. With three bars over three floors and a dedicated team of mixologists, this venue stands as a flagship of quality and has been nominated in the top ten bars/clubs in the UK by The Independent. Good beers, a sensible wine list, and of course, champagne for special occasions (or just for the love of it). The perfect venue for a private party or an atmospheric night out. Koba, 135 Western Road, Brighton. 01273 720059

L’Église Traditional French restaurant offering classic cuisine for contemporary tastes. A la carte menu Tuesday to Sunday with daily specials. Locally sourced produce including freshly caught fish of the day and an AngloFrench cheeseboard. Enjoy the southfacing terrace with the two-course lunch menu, Tuesday–Saturday,

Italian Donatello Flagship venue of this local family-run business serving excellent value Italian food in stylish and spotless surroundings. There are brilliant-value meal deals on blackboards outside – two courses £6.95, three £8.95 – as


To have an entry in the latest hot list call Marie on 01273 818150



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01273 687171


open until 2.30am every night!

The city’s magical live music and party venue tues april 7

the space with terry rawlings bafta nominated alien editor + conor mcnicholas nme editor 7pm £5/£3

weds april 8

alice + support

brilliant rock, bigbeat, ska night 8pm £3

thurs april 9

the catalyst club

weddings wedding & civil partnership parties call angi on 01273 687171


a speak-easy for the 21st now booking parties century 7.30pm £4

fri april 10

funky buddha band

sat april 11


the classic funksoul party 8pm £5

the ultimate good time disco, funk, motown band

the don bradmans myfirstdisco! + support djs & dancing for a 21st century bonzo dog parents & their doo-dah band with added toddlers 3pm till 5pm festival kudos 8pm £6/£5 adult & child £2.50

the grand majestic foot-stomping, crotch-grabbing, tail shaking tunes 8pm £5/£3

8pm £7/£5

sun april 12

roast n jazz with roy gee tenor sax and vocals 12.30pm till 3.30pm £10 including lunch

betty’s music hall eggstravaganza music hall frivolity, camp & nostalgia 8pm £7/£5

& weddings, civil partnerships, birthdays…

…for the funkiest events call us and book the venue for


•subject to conditions

looking for a job?

mon april 13

the musicbar acusis + electric chair needs a manager! 7.30pm £5/£4 breakthrough with rough trade

call angi on 01273 687171 14 – 17 manchester street, brighton check our website bn2 1tf. 100 metres up from the pier for full programme



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Life force Denise Evans transforms her life with Bikram Yoga in Portslade am 47-years-old and overweight, with serious neck, spine, knee and hip injuries following a car accident four years ago. It’s the middle of January, and I’m fretting as I approach the new Bikram studio in Portslade – will I be the oldest and largest in the room? Will I embarrass myself? The warm welcome from Chokae allays my anxiety only a little as I take towel, mat and courage in both hands and enter the studio as the class begins... Two months later and I have completed my 64th class in 66 days. I have lost one and a half stone in weight, and have virtually no pain in my neck or spine. I have a waist again. Flexibility is returning to my hip and strength to my knee. Muscles are starting to re-appear. I have renewed energy and a zest for life that I had almost forgotten. I sleep soundly and well. I look and feel years younger. Life is sweet. The beautiful new studio in Portslade is the vision of Carolyn Jikiemi-Roberts, (CJ), a warm and friendly powerhouse of a lady who has spent two years planning, building and developing her vision into reality. Her love of teaching and passionate belief in the Bikram system shines as she chats: “I want to be doing this when I’m 70. As a mother I felt it was important to teach my children the right way to go, to have balance in life.” CJ has been practising and teaching Bikram yoga for six years. Starting out as an athlete, she gained a degree in bimolecular sciences, and later trained as a fitness instructor and personal trainer before discovering Bikram yoga after the birth of her third child. She went on to train with Bikram Choudhury in America and met Chokae there, inviting him to come from California to support the new studio. The standard of teaching is superb across the whole team – their considerable experience, skill, humour, warmth and patience encourages and challenges each individual student to the full. Whatever your age, sex, shape, size or physical fitness, you can benefit from Bikram Yoga, improve your health and change your life. Bikram Yoga open day on Saturday 25 April. Free yoga all day, Classes at 9.30am, 11.30am, 2pm and 4pm. After classes there will be food, drink and music to celebrate the successful opening of the new studio. Come and try it for yourself. Bikram Yoga Studio, Olugbenga House, 26-28 Franklin Road, Portslade, BN41 1AF (two minutes walk from Portslade Station). Full disabled access. Call 01273 420279.




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latest listings

 YOUR WEEKLY GUIDE TO WHAT’S ON 7 – 13 APRIL Under review Here’s our roundup of recent local shows, plus there’s oodles of reviews online at Dorothy’s Shoes A cornucopia of entertainment can be found underneath the streets of Brighton in The Basement. Vaudeville double act Foster & Gilvan kicked off the night with painted faces, timeless stories in song and an array of percussion they distributed for all to join in with. They continued throughout the night, joined by table puppeteer Isobel Smith, bringing a further intimacy to the evening. Next door we were soon distracted by ballroom dancing demonstrations and lessons, before long waltzing down the cavernous ballroom at quite a pace. With further relaxation offered by a shadow puppet display in a ‘chill out’ type room, this was many unusual joys to the mind and body. A true treat. The Basement, 28 March

★★★★★ Victoria Nangle

the curtain finally came down for Lemar and his band. A fantastic, soulful voice, a charismatic man who is grateful – we are the reason he makes music, he tells us – and he’s gorgeous too; a complete package then. Everyone danced along to the highs (‘Dance,’ ‘Weight of the World’ and a fantastic rendition of ‘Sex on Fire’) and swayed along to the slower ballads in a memorable night with this soul artist. The Brighton Centre, 28 March

Easter holiday fun p29

★★★★✩ Zara Baker

Lemar The crowd, warmed up by the diverse sound of The Score, welcomed X Factor finalists JLS as though they were headlining. Was it Lemar the teens were here to see? If possible, the noise levels did increase when

Hot review of the week

John Cooper Clarke The Salford soothsayer has reached that stage in his career when he can pastiche his own works – so tonight we even get an updated segment of ‘Beasley Street’. Saves time and for a performance poet who‘s been plying his trade since the 70/80s punk-poet (and Sugar Puffs ad) heyday, makes sense. Johnny Clarke is an old school humorist with biting, mordant wit and it’s as much the banter/ribald gags betwixt verse which make the night. That and the lilting, pitch perfect delivery of such gems as ‘Hire Car’ and ‘Evidently Chickentown’, which featured as an ‘out’ in The Sopranos for those of you clucking for an online liqueur.

24 Stage Pack of Lies comes to Devonshire Park Theatre

26 Film A chat with the director of new vampire flick Let The Right One In

28 Comedy Victoria Nangle on a personal approach

28 Art The stunning new exhibition Seascapes

29 Kids & events Easter holiday fun

Komedia, 24 March

★★★★✩ Waiting For Godot Waiting for Godot was never easy, but in this brisk and busy production it is perhaps as lucid as it could ever be. Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart lend an intimacy to the roles that is moving, they are like a long married couple. McKellen is soft, vulnerable and utterly passive while Stewart is a back slapping optimist. The relationship is quite extraordinary and at times watching seems voyeuristic. There is plenty of business too, almost slapstick, that keeps the whole moving along. Simon Callow huffs and puffs his way through act one but the real effect comes in his act two appearance as an utterly defeated soul. Ronald Pickup’s Lucky has shades of music hall stooge but his verbal outburst is breathtaking. With a stunning set and clarity of both staging and direction, this is a theatrical triumph.

Jan Goodey

Theatre Royal, Brighton, 27 March

The Perils Potentially what The Perils have is rock’n’roll. Not only can they effortlessly knock out high voltage songs with plenty of melodic zip, but in Danny they possess a charismatic hunk as frontman. They also have a fantastic drummer who rips into his skins like Animal from The Muppets, and a twin guitar attack that lends extra texture and depth to their songs. Exhilarating stuff. This was their homecoming gig following a lengthy tour and the crowd was a bit subdued (it was a cold Monday) but The Perils are definitely one to watch.


Latest Music Bar, 23 March

Andrew Kay


29 Books A look at the work of The Damned United David Peace

30 Music The Blockheads speak; news; previews; gigs

33 Clubs The four-day weekend celebration begins!

34 Gay Days and nights to get down to

36 Television Dani on the box; TV film highlights

Jeff Hemmings

 For complete and comprehensive listings go to



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24 STAGE Mrs Hayes, who were in fact Russian spies. She moved into the property in the 1980s and lived there for six years, and her neighbour at the time was Mr Search who this play is based around. Lorretta said; “We lived in the bungalow for a number of years and knew about its colourful past. Mr Search was still living opposite at the time and he was such a lovely man. We were living there when the original West End production

Ring o’spies

starring Michael Williams and Judi Dench opened. Michael Williams came to visit Mr Search and he really managed to convey all his mannerisms on stage; it was uncanny.” Pack of Lies, Devonshire Park Theatre, Eastbourne Monday 23 to Saturday 28 March 7.45pm 2.30pm matinees on Wednesday and Saturday. Tickets from £13.50–£21 with concessions available for evening performances box office on 01323 412000 or online

Pay for a play

Pack Of Lies at Devonshire Park Theatre Eastbourne

Coming to a business near you! A person with a clipboard and a request for sponsorship of £1-£10

his nerve-shredding and riveting drama is based on the incredible true story of shocking events which took place in a London suburb during the 1960s. The Jacksons are a normal family living on a normal street with normal neighbours, or at least that’s what they thought. The arrival of a stranger, who says he’s from the government, shatters the happy quiet life of the Jacksons as the truth about their much-loved neighbours is revealed to them. Their house becomes a surveillance post, and in the nightmare months that follow, the family’s normal world

Delphic Theatre, with their new ‘Most Sponsors’ initiative, is trying to find a new way to make sponsoring plays possible in a time of tightening purse strings and an opportunity to make a sponsorship drive about more than simply money. The aim is to get as many sponsors as possible to invest in the production of Oedipus, to be performed in Jubilee Square from Tuesday 5 to Friday 8 May. However, they will all be investing for a small amount: between £1–£10. The idea is to get as many sponsors as possible for the production, allowing everyone to chip in without breaking their already-strapped bank accounts. Also, this will allow more sponsors than any other piece in Brighton. So a simple goal: 1,000 sponsors or £1,000. Will you join in? Look out for Janine Robins coming to your business soon. If you wish to make a more substantial donation you can contact Chris Hislop on 07748 160632.


descends into one of deception and treachery. An all-star cast that includes: Jenny Seagrove, Lorna Luft, Simon Shepherd and Daniel Hill appear in the tense, gripping true story, Pack of Lies, at the Devonshire Park Theatre, Eastbourne for one week prior to a London transfer. And for one local resident the story will bring back plenty of memories. Loretta Nolan, who now lives in Seaford, used to live in the very bungalow which was at the centre of the scandal. Loretta lived in Cranley Drive, Ruislip which was the home of antiquarian booksellers, Mr and

Stage listings Tuesday 7 to Monday 20 April

Joseph and the amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat

Boeing Boeing Hysterical, chaotic story about an architect with three air hostess fiancées. • 13–18 April, 7.45pm plus 2.30pm Thu and Sat, please contact venue for £.

Upstairs at Three and Ten Brighton Dome

Eastbourne: Congress Theatre

01273 709709 National Children’s Orchestra of Great Britain With guest conductor Peter Stark. • 11 Apr, 7pm, £5–£18 London Philharmonic Orchestra Sibelius’s Second Symphony. • 11 Apr, 7.30pm, £10–£32.50

01323 412000 Joseph and the amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat Starring Craig Chalmers, one of the finalists from Any Dream Will Do. • 7–11 Apr, 7.30pm Mon–Fri, plus 2.30pm Tues & Thu, 5pm & 8pm Fri, 2pm, 5pm & 8pm Sat. £12–£25.50

Chichester Festival Theatre

Eastbourne: Devonshire Park Theatre

01243 781312 The Last Cigarette Dramatisation of Simon Gray’s The Smoking Diaries. Candid and probing. • 7–11 Apr, contact venue for times/£ Noel Coward’s Hay Fever Comedy of bad manners based on a London stage star and her dysfunctional family. • 9 Apr–2 May, contact venue for times/£

01323 412000 Billy Liar An undertaker’s clerk in a dull Yorkshire town daydreams his way to a fantasy kingdom where he is ruler and hero. • 7–11 Apr, 7.45pm, plus Wed and Sat mat 2.30pm, £13.50–£18

Marlborough Theatre Dome box office: 01273 709709 Portrayal of a Messiah An alternate nativity

07800 983290 Katy and Rach Make Stuff Up Spontaneous theatre – one hour completely improvised. • 7 April, 8pm, £7/5

Worthing: Pavilion Theatre

play. A work of fiction based around the characters present in Jesus’ lifetime – his friends and loves. • 13–16 Apr, 7pm, £6.50

Theatre Royal 08700 606650 HMS Pinafore Nautical comedy featuring Sir Arthur Sullivan’s witty musical numbers. • 7–11 Apr, 7.45pm, plus 2.30pm Wed, Thu & Sat, please contact venue for £

01093 206206 Anyone4Theatre? Youth organisation Anyone4Theatre? present Barry Manilow’s Copacabana with the Juniors presenting their debut performance of Disney’s Aladdin. • Aladdin: 7 April, 2.30pm and 7.30pm, £10/5, Copacabana, 8–9 April, 7.30pm plus 2.30pm Thu, £10/5 The Tales of Peter Rabbit Peter Rabbit and Benjamin Bunny go on an adventure. Easter fun for young and old. • 11 April, 3pm, £9 Worthing 2009 Gang Show Family-based show combining music, dance and comedy.. • 15–18 April, 7.30pm, plus 2.30pm Wed and Sat, £6.50–£12



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Agony & ecstasy Gill Kay of Brighton Festival talks about this year’s music programme his year has been both interesting and challenging. The best part of this job has been that every year is completely different, as different as we can make it. And I have been working on the music programme now for 23 years. Much of the appeal has been the variety, always looking for something different. “When Andrew Comben was appointed as chief executive of Brighton Dome and Festival and announced that he wanted us to work with Anish Kapoor as a guest artistic director I was unsure how it would work. But we have really benefited from the clarity and strength of his ideas – it has been great having real artistic direction. “A core theme from Anish has been female martyrdom and this suggested lots of ideas in terms of classical music. Immediately I looked at the story of Scheherazade in two interpretations, one by Rimsky-Korsakov and one by Ravel. Anish is fascinated by the idea of female martyrs and Daphnis and Chloe also fitted well with that giving us an exciting programme of music for the Orchestre National de Lorraine, one of the orchestras with which we have built a strong relationship. I am also excited that for the main part this is a French orchestra playing French music. This beautifully links with the Salman Rushdie texts in the work Blood Relations that he has co-created with Anish which will be exhibited at Fabrica.‘‘ We asked Gill if she is under pressure to produce a balanced programme, one with something to suit all tastes, from popular to highbrow? ‘‘Yes, there is always something to appeal to the width of our audience, from massive works involving huge orchestras to solo works, from popular to challenging. I think it is my job to find at least one thing for every person. Andrew has instilled an intellectual slant to the whole and that has been good. The whole Festival has been focused in order to raise our game and help us reach a higher level internationally. ‘‘In the last few few years I have been left to work on my own but this year the process of programming has changed and has been very exciting. Having a guest artistic director has focused our thoughts.


It’s a bold move but I think at this time playing safe is not the right option. Working with a theme has created strong threads.’’ Do you have a thread? Yes, but never at the expense of the audience and their enjoyment. The French concert will appeal to our traditional orchestral music lovers, but in addition the link to Anish Kapoor’s Blood Relations which he created with Salman Rushdie may draw them to a new experience. The John Adams concert will build on the audience that seek something, those interested in new music and the music of the late 20th century. Harmonium uses the text of a poem by John Donne Negative Love and two Emily Dickinson texts. I had to build a programme around that so added Short Ride in a Fast Machine and then Tarik O‘Regan’s the The Ecstasies Above based on Edgar Allen Poe’s Israfel. This will be an epic evening with a massive orchestral piece side by side with the Brodsky String Quartet and a huge choral presence. Is the 2009 festival more ‘high brow’ than previous festivals? ‘‘In parts yes, but that I think is a good thing. I have worked very hard to develop the theme but also to retain and entertain our audiences. You are a Brighton Festival Chorus member? ‘‘I help manage it and sing. There is an amazing choral tradition in the UK. The BFC was formed to sing in the festival but it has grown beyond that. Lazlo Heltay was a very demanding choir master and took it to an entirely different level. We worked with some amazing composers and conductors and we do 12 to 13 concerts a year. Andrew Comben’s background is classical music, has that been good? ‘‘His remit is far wider than just music, as chief executive there is a huge amount of work, but when we talk we are on the same plane. I like the challenge every year. If it was just about booking concerts I would be very dissatisfied. This year is very exciting. The crux of programming has been keeping that thread of the theme but also being able to run off at tangents to it.‘‘ For full music events see the Brighton Festival 2009 Brochure.

We asked Gill to draw an imaginary thread through the whole Festival programme to demonstrate the thematic process at work. Imagined Monochrome (Massage), Anish Kapoor, The Basement, throughout the Festival

Quartetto di Cremona, Schubert Death and the Maiden Pavilion Theatre, Wednesday 6 May,

John Adams/Tarik O’Regan Royal Philharmonic Orchestra, Brodsky Quartet concert, Brighton Dome Concert Hall, Thursday 7 May Anish Kapoor /Salman Rushdie – Blood Relations, Fabrica, throughout the Festival

Handel’s Arianna in Creta Chris Hogwood – Academy of Ancient Music, Angelika Kirchschlager, Brighton Dome Concert Hall, Saturday 9 May Kurva, Teatre de Catalunya, Start from Hove Station Tuesday 12 to Sunday 17 May Anish Kapoor and Homie Bhabha, On Bhabhaism Corn Exchange Monday 18 May Scheherazade – Rimsky-Korsakov/Ravel with Daphnis and Chloe Patricia Bardon/Orchestre National de Lorraine, Brighton Dome Concert Hall, Sunday 24 May



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0871 224 4007 Tuesday 7 THE BOAT THAT ROCKED (15) 12.00, 1.45, 3.00, 5.00, 6.00, 8.00, 9.00 CHE: PART ONE (15) 8.15 THE DAMNED UNITED (15) 12.30, 2.45, 5.20, 7.45 THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT (15) 3.15, 6.15, 9.15 KNOWING (15) 12.00, 2.50, 5.45, 8.45 MARLEY AND ME (PG) 2.15, 5.15, 8.30 MONSTERS VS ALIENS 3D (PG) 10.30, 11.30, 1.00, 2.00, 3.30, 4.30, 6.00, 7.00, 9.15 PAUL BLART: MALL COP (PG) 10.45, 12.45 THE YOUNG VICTORIA (PG) 11.30

Wednesday 8 THE BOAT THAT ROCKED (15) 2.45, 5.20, 7.45 THE DAMNED UNITED (15) 12.30, 2.45, 5.20, 7.45 DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION (PG) 11.00, 12.45 THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT (15) 3.15, 6.15, 9.15 KNOWING (15) 12.00, 2.50, 5.45, 8.45 MARLEY AND ME (PG) 2.15, 5.15, 8.30 MONSTERS VS ALIENS 3D (PG) 10.30, 11.30, 1.00, 2.00, 3.30, 4.30, 6.00, 7.00, 9.15 PAUL BLART: MALL COP (PG) 10.45, 12.45


Thursday 9 THE BOAT THAT ROCKED (15) 2.45, 5.20, 7.45 THE DAMNED UNITED (15) 12.30, 2.45, 5.20, 7.45 DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION (PG) 11.00, 12.45 FROST/NIXON (15) 10.30am THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT (15) 3.15, 6.15, 9.15 KNOWING (15) 12.00, 2.50, 5.45, 8.45 MARLEY AND ME (PG) 2.15, 5.15, 8.30 MONSTERS VS ALIENS 3D (PG) 10.30, 11.30, 1.00, 2.00, 3.30, 4.30, 6.00, 7.00, 9.15 PAUL BLART: MALL COP (PG) 10.45, 12.45 WATCHMEN (18) 8.15 THE YOUNG VICTORIA (PG) 11.30


01273 626261 Tuesday 7 A CHRISTMAS TALE (15) 11.00am THE DAMNED UNITED (15) 2.00, 4.00, 6.30, 9.00

Wednesday 8 A CHRISTMAS TALE (15) 11.00am THE DAMNED UNITED (15) 2.00, 4.00, 6.30, 9.00

Thursday 9 THE DAMNED UNITED (15) 1.30, 3.30, 6.00, 8.30

Friday 10 CRY-BABY (15) 11.00pm FIFTY DEAD MEN WALKING (15) 1.00, 6.00 LET THE RIGHT ONE IN (LAT DEN RATTE KOMMA IN) (15) 3.30, 8.45


Sunday 12 FIFTY DEAD MEN WALKING (15) 1.30, 6.30 LET THE RIGHT ONE IN (LAT DEN RATTE KOMMA IN) (15) 4.00, 9.00


Saturday 11 CURTIS ELLER (no certificate) 11.30pm

0871 200 2000 Tuesday 7 BOLT (PG) 10.20 THE BOAT THAT ROCKED (15) 11.10, 12.10, 2.10, 3.10, 5.20, 6.10, 8.30, 9.20 DUPLICITY (12A) 4.00, 9.00 GRAN TORINO (15) 9.30 KNOWING (15) 12.40, 3.30, 6.20, 9.10 PAUL BLART: MALL COP (15) 11.40, 1.50, 6.50 HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT (15) 11.30, 2.00, 7.00, 9.40 MARLEY AND ME (PG) 12.30, 3.20, 6.00, 8.45 MONSTERS VS ALIENS 3D (PG) 10.40, 12.00, 1.00, 2.15, 3.25, 4.30, 5.50, 6.45, 8.20 THE YOUNG VICTORIA (PG) 4.40

Wednesday 8 BOLT (PG) 10.20 THE BOAT THAT ROCKED (15) 11.10, 12.10, 2.10, 3.10, 5.20, 6.10, 8.30, 9.20 DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION (PG) 10.30, 12.45, 2.50, 5.00 DUPLICITY (12A) 4.00, 9.00 GRAN TORINO (15) 9.30

KNOWING (15) 12.40, 3.30, 6.20, 9.10 PAUL BLART: MALL COP (15) 11.40, 1.50, 6.50 HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT (15) 7.00, 9.40 MARLEY AND ME (PG) 12.30, 3.20, 6.00, 8.45 MONSTERS VS ALIENS 3D (PG) 10.40, 12.00, 1.00, 2.15, 3.25, 4.30, 5.50, 6.45, 8.20

Thursday 9 BOLT (PG) 10.20 THE BOAT THAT ROCKED (15) 11.10, 12.10, 2.10, 3.10, 5.20, 6.10, 8.30, 9.20 DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION (PG) 10.30, 12.45, 2.50, 5.00 DUPLICITY (12A) 4.00, 9.00 GRAN TORINO (15) 9.30 KNOWING (15) 12.40, 3.30, 6.20, 9.10 PAUL BLART: MALL COP (15) 11.40, 1.50, 6.50 HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT (15) 7.00, 9.40 MARLEY AND ME (PG) 12.30, 3.20, 6.00, 8.45 MONSTERS VS ALIENS 3D (PG) 10.40, 12.00, 1.00, 2.15, 3.25, 4.30, 5.50, 6.45, 8.20

Films showing Friday 10–Monday 13

01903 206206 Tues 7 – Mon 13

Saturday 11

THE BOAT THAT ROCKED (15) 2.00 (not Tues & Wed), 5.00 (not Thurs), 8.00


Tues 7 – Thurs 9 THE YOUNG VICTORIA (PG) 1.00, 7.30


L7 lowdown  What’s on this week


Dragonball: Evolution (PG) Dir: James Wong A live action version of the manga series created by Akira Toriyama. With young Goku out to find Master Roshi (Chow Yun-Fat) and the seven mystical balls before mega baddie Lord Piccolo (James Marsters) gets his mits on them. Fab. Showing at Cineworld, Odeon Monsters Vs Aliens 3D (PG) Dir: Rob Letterman, Conrad Vernon The latest 3D animation to come from DreamWorks sees a wee girl (Reese Witherspoon) zoomed up into a 49’1’’ mega sprog. Taken into a top secret government compound with residents that include Dr Cockroach (Hugh Laurie) and other monsters, their talents are in hot demand when aliens try and take over the Earth. Showing at Cineworld and Odeon The Damned United (15) Dir: Tom Hooper Biopic of Brian Clough starring the de rigeur biopic actor of the moment Michael Sheen as the footballing man himself. Concentrating on the 44 days when Clough was managing Leeds United in a particular period of turbulence, it depicts how despite being despised by the players, the fans and the management, he still thought he was great. Showing at Odeon The Boat That Rocked (15) Dir: Richard Curtis The latest from the barn of comedy known as Richard Curtis’s mind. Set in the Sixties this is the tale of the trials and tribulations of one pirate radio station on a boat that fought ‘the man’. With a motley crew led by The Count (Philip Seymour Hoffman) this is another delightful ensemble comedy. Showing at Cineworld, Odeon and Worthing Knowing (15) Dir: Alex Proyas Nick Cage looks perplexed in this

mystery as his son’s school time capsule unearths a list 50 years old containing the total number dead from each major loss of life since the capsule was buried. Spooky. Even more spooky is that there are still a couple more numbers on the list yet to come true. Yowps! Best get that thinking cap and those ‘stopping world apocalypse’ boots on. Showing at Cineworld and Odeon Fifty Dead Men Walking (15) Dir: Kari Skogland Jim Sturgess stars as Martin McGartland in this film based on his autobiography as a British spy within the IRA in the 1980s. Working his way up the ranks from volunteer, raising the risk to himself each day to report to his British handlers, this is a dramatic tale of a man still in hiding today. Also starring Sir Ben Kingsley and Rose McGowan. Showing at Duke Of York’s Let The Right One In (Lat Den Ratte Komma In) (15) Dir: Tomas Alfredson This Swedish horror questions how much we will forgive for new love, as bullied 12-year-old Oskar find his new friend, the pale and mysterious girl Eli, gives him the strength to stand up to his tormentors. However – and this is a big ‘but’ – she’s got secrets of her own he must reconcile with. Showing at Duke Of York’s Cry-Baby (15) Dir: John Waters A young Johnny Depp stars in one of John Waters’ most commercial vehicles to date. A musical comedy that has star-crossed lovers ‘Greaser’ Depp and ‘Drape’ Allison Vernon-Williams catching each others’ eye. With a supporting cast that includes Iggy Pop, Ricki Lake and Patty Hearst, this is simply great fun. Showing at Duke Of York’s The Boat That Rocked



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FILM 27 It’s obviously filmed in some incredibly cold locations. Was that a worry, going in? Yes, it was a big worry, because, aesthetically, it's very hard to have all this white snow, because it makes white holes on the film negative – it just looks blank! How did you cast the children? We spent a year trying to find them and we went all over Sweden to look for those two. Did they understand the film? I told them what this film was about, briefly. But you can’t give children the responsibility of making a complete portrait, from A to Z. It's too much to carry. Why not? They’re kids. They should stay kids, I think.

Biting cold

Why do you think Sweden lends itself so well to this kind of story? We obviously have a lot of darkness here in the winter. It’s noon now and it'll be getting dark in two hours or something.

Director Tomas Alfredson talks about Swedish vampire film Let The Right One In

Are there vampire myths in this country? No, there aren’t. But there are a lot of stories about dangerous wolves!

Are you a horror buff? No. This is the first time I’ve made a film in this kind of genre. How did you come across the book? It was a friend who gave it to me. I read it in 48 hours. It was a bestseller when it came out, and it was sort of a sensation here in Sweden. It was the writer's debut. John Ajvide Lidqvist was in his late thirties when he wrote it, which is quite unusual. What attracted you to the book? I had some rough times when I was a kid, so I had some strong feelings when I read it. It's also very interesting when you’re at that age – if you are bullied you really don’t know where to go with all your feelings. So this vampire girl that Oskar meets could be the embodiment of his anger. And that was my way into the story.

After the last war, because Sweden was not in the war, we were the richest country in the world, so the Social-Democratic government really wanted to experiment with society. Was it important to set the film in 1982? It’s not a very important thing in the film, but for some reason it’s easier to tell this kind of story in the past tense.

“I would say that the strongest images of violence are the ones you make yourself”

A lot of the violence is implied rather than seen. Was that always your intention? I would say that the strongest images of violence are the ones you make yourself, in your head. If you were to try to film a scene with a small kid tearing someone’s head or arm off, with a limited budget, it would be rather impossible, I think. The film has been a big hit with horror audiences. Did that surprise you? Yes. I have been travelling around, meeting these guys with long black hair and rings in their noses, introducing themselves as “Bloody Hell”. (Laughs) I didn't know it was so big, this community! Let The Right One In is showing at the Duke of York‘s and Odeon from Friday 10 April

What discussions did you have with John? He was very brave. He wanted to do the screenplay himself. But it turned out to be a very good decision. The title comes from a Morrissey song. Are you a fan? I’m a Morrissey fan as much as anyone else, but the writer is a big fan. Is the setting the same as in the book? Yes. This is a very special environment.

Win a luxury night at the Duke of York’s Win a luxury cinema night for two with a free glass of wine or a soft drink watching a film of your choice at Duke of York‘s cinema. Come and enjoy the luxury sensation of their balcony. Slink into sumptuous comfort in the two or three-seater sofas, large armchairs or plush cinema seats, all with tables for drinks and snacks, extra leg room and fantastic sight lines. Subject to availability. Proof of age may be required to access film.

To win this week’s tickets, simply answer this question: In what country is Let The Right One In set? Send your answer with your name, address and phone number to, putting Let The Right One In in the subject line, or write to us at the address on page three. Closing date: Monday 20 April.

028_LS418 stand-up/art


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28 STAND-UP COMEDY | ART Seascape, Bexhill-on-Sea, 30 October 2008 at 12.26pm

A laughing matter Victoria Nangle calls out – to thine own voice be true, and make sure it’s an original

he best comedy is the kind that nobody else could think of. It’s worth remembering that when writing new material. Traffic lights may annoy you, but they annoy all the other comics on the circuit too. If you are driven to distraction by the noise the bath water makes when it goes down the plug – but only when the plug is one of those pushy up-y ones that are on a lever instead of a chain – you may find you have a unique perspective. That’s what will make you stand out from the other new acts when you write about it. It may seem like putting your head on the block, simply writing gags that are personal to you, but in baring that part that no one else has you’ll be different in a good way.


“Possibly it’s simply the image of a not too petite me trying to sail away in Argos’s finest packing apparatus” Sometimes just an enthusiasm for your personal belief can get you a laugh, as the audience simply enjoys your joie de vivre. I’ve got a gag about massive cardboard boxes. It’s not wildly funny but I always say afterwards how great I really feel they are for having adventures in, and I mean it. Possibly it’s simply the image of a not too petite me trying to sail away in Argos’s finest packing apparatus that does it. I like to think the laugh that comes is simply at my personal conviction that most things can be escaped from happily in this flimsy but hardy childhood building material. Whichever, no one else says it on the new act circuit and I get the laugh. Admittedly it would be better to combine a funnier cardboard box gag with my conviction, but hopefully that will come with time. It does remind me to keep writing stand-up from my own personal experience and reactions though. When I slip over walking underneath the railway bridge down New England Road and inadvertently cover myself in pigeon ‘manure’ I realise the rush hour traffic caught in a jam will enjoy witnessing this one-off spectacle. If I did it every day – or a generic someone did it every half hour – it wouldn’t garner the same amusement. It’s unique to me, and that’s what makes it funny. Luckily stand-up generally doesn’t demand the same cleaning bill. The price of laughter I suppose.

Stand-up wisdom: “I want to be a political comic, but I can’t be bothered to do the reading.” Hal Cruttenden

Sea views Digital delicacy captures the intricate changes on the shoreline Susan Collins’ Seascape consists of a series of gradually unfolding digital seascapes created using imagery captured in realtime by webcams installed at five key coastal vantage points on the south coast between Margate and Portsmouth. Sited at each location for up to a year before the start of the show, the webcams record the endless fluctuations in the light that are a characteristic feature of the English coastline, and which have attracted painters for generations. Susan Collins’ work presents an extraordinary visual exploration into the natural cycles of tide, time and light. Susan Collins: Seascape, until 14 June, De LaWarr Pavilion, Bexhill-on-Sea

Art listings Bellis Gallery 8-9 Kings Road, Brighton, 01273 747429 Patrick O’Donnell New work from this gifted local artist whose work embraces the figurative, and sometimes the apocalyptic. Intense, yet radiant. •Mon, Wed–Sat 10.30am–6.30pm, Sun 11.30am–6pm

Brighton Museum & Art Gallery

Comedy listings Thursday 9

Friday 10

Saturday 11

Brian Gittins and Friends Anarchic rogue comedy from a rising star on the circuit and his mate Angelos, with this month’s guest Paul Foot. Three And Ten, 8pm, £8/6 Old Rope Comedy A new material night for established comics hosted by if.comedy winner Phil Nichol and Tiffany Stevenson. Komedia, 8pm, £8.50/6.50

The Treason Show The team trawl far and wide to find the most up-to-the-minute gags and savage political comment. Also on Saturday. Komedia, 8pm, £13.50/11.50 Krater Comedy Club Cracking comedy from Ian Moore, Eddy Brimson and Josh Howie, plus MC Rufus Hound. Also running Saturday and Sunday. Komedia, 7:30pm, £12.50/10

Red Brick Comedy Club The finest, funniest late-night stand-up in a beautiful, intimate environment. The opener is the fast-rising Seann Walsh (Winner, Leicester Mercury Comedian of the Year 2009; Chortle Awards Best Newcomer 2009). Headlining is the brilliant Josh Howie. Three And Ten, 10pm, £10/8

Royal Pavilion Gardens, 01273 292882 Lives Less Photographed: Working Class Life in Brighton, 1860–1935 Exhibition that reveals rare images of local working class life: the people, and the lost areas of Brighton where they lived. •Until 26 April Paintings Unwrapped This exhibition takes 60 paintings and helps you look at them with a fresh eye. Many of them will be on display for the first time in many years and include

modern, local, international and historical works. •Until 13 April

Editions plus Hungarian printmaker Nagy Sándor Zoltán. Until 29 April

Fairtrade Gallery

Ink_d Gallery

26 Montague Place, Brighton 07790 511576 Alex Binnie: 23 Sleeves New illustrations and prints from the brilliant tattooist. Until 8 April Jim Saunders Original stencils. 9–15 April

North Road, Brighton 01273 645299 Stanley Donwood Printed papers shows a selection of Donwood’s limited edition prints from his artwork that includes work for Radiohead, plus prints from his recent ‘London Views’ series. •Until 10 April, Mon–Sat 10am–6pm

Permanent Gallery Bedford Place, Brighton 01273 710389 Hidden Persuaders Anthem Exhibition of new paintings, prints and constructions by Louise Bristow. •Until 26 April, Thurs, Fri & Sun 1pm–6pm, Sat 11am–6pm

Pelham House St Andrew’s Lane, Lewes 01273 488600 Artizan Editions Exhibition of printmakers from Artizan

De La Warr Pavilion Bexhill-on-sea 01424 229111 Susan Collins: Seascape New body of work by this artist who combines digital technologies with the classical traditions of English landscape painting. •Until 14 June, open every day, 10am-6pm



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Write club

Events highlights

John O’Donoghue takes a peek at a geek, who is riding high in the success stakes right now avid Peace had a very good March. Red Riding, based on his Red Riding Quartet, aired on Channel 4; The Damned Utd, the film based on the novel, went on general release; and, to top it all, news came of a David Peace Conference at Brighton University on Friday 3 June. If you think that last crack’s a joke, you’re very much mistaken. Peace is the geekiest of writers, and all of his novels make use of meticulous research. He’s part of the Plate Glass School, along with David Mitchell and Sarah Waters. Mitchell and Waters both went to Kent, and like Peace devote long hours to swotting up on the historical backdrops of their books. Not for them the thinly disguised autobiographical novels of writers starting out, early Amis, say, or Hanif Kureishi. The Plate Glass School go in for a watered down postmodernism, virtuoso pastiche, and the staid delights of plot, pace, and character. Their self-effacement comes as much from the Death of the Author as it does from innate modesty. They’re writers from Generation Dweeb. And they’re all brilliant.

D Easter fun If you’re looking for something different to do this Easter holiday, why not try decorating your own eggs? The RSPCA have come up with some great designs (pictured) for you to copy or use for inspiration. Start by choosing higher welfare eggs – either barn or free-range. If they have the Freedom Food label it means they come from hens kept on farms inspected to the RSPCA’s welfare standards. With the help of an adult, boil the eggs for 10 minutes and let them cool. Paint or draw on the shells – watercolour or acrylic paints work best. Avoid oil-based paints if you’re planning on eating the eggs later on. If it’s just for decorating – stick on bits and pieces to create hair, fur, faces or even clothing for your egg. Voilà. A fun craft session to put some fun into the holidays.

Drusillas Park Child favourites Noddy, Big Ears and Thomas The Tank Engine’s Fat Controller descend on Drusillas Park this bank holiday weekend. On top of the usual park

attractions, Noddy and Big Ears will greet visitors throughout the day on Thursday 9 April. The following day (Good Friday) the Fat Controller alights at the park to oversee the efficient running of the railway. The Easter Eggstravaganza weekend at Drusillas is also the place to get your hands on a sweet treat. Simply unearth the items left by the Easter bunnies in the eggscavation site and claim your chocolate prize. For more information, including opening times and prices, call the park on 01323 847100. Visit the website Drusillas Park, Alfriston, East Sussex.

Norman Knights and Crusaders Step back in time at Arundel Castle in West Sussex this Sunday with the special Norman Knights and Crusaders event. Combat demonstrations take place on the grounds, with weaponry and armour displayed for visitors to see. This is a rare glimpse of Norman living in this fantastic historic setting. Arundel Castle, Arundel, West Sussex, 01903 882173, 10am–5pm, £15/12.50/7

Events listings Thursday 9 Noddy and Big Ears As Noddy celebrates his 60th birthday. Today, he will meet and greet visitors with Big Ears. Drusillas Park, Alfriston, throughout the day. Various £.

Friday 10 Appearance of the Fat Controller The Fat Controller will be causing a locomotion, when he alights at the Park. For

more information call 01323 874100. Drusillas Park, Alfriston. Various £. Easter Eggstravaganza Unearth the items left by the Easter bunnies in Drusillas eggscavation site and claim a chocolate surprise. Until 13 April. Drusillas Park,

Sunday 12 Easter Egg Hunt, Chicks & Lambs Also Monday 13. Enjoy

“Not for them the thinly disguised autobiographical novels of writers starting out” Peace, however, didn’t quite make it to the sunny uplands of campusland. He want to Manchester Polytechnic, and he’s a much grittier, darker, bleaker novelist than his peers. David Peace’s subject matter has long been the North, and in The Damned Utd he tells the story of Brian Clough’s 44 days in charge of Leeds Utd, when he took over from David Peace Don Revie. But you don’t have to know anything about football to appreciate this book. It’s Shakespearean in its intensity, written as two dark intertwining soliloquies, one about Clough’s glory days at Derby County, when they won the League; and one about his disastrous reign at Leeds. What’s David Peace like in person? I met him last year, at a City Books event at the Old Market. He’s very polite, and very dry. But he’s got a dark, dark shadow. Read him with all the lights on. The Damned Utd, Faber and Faber, £7.99

Book listings a family Easter day out. Parham House & Gardens, Storrington, 01903 744888, £8/£3.50 Norman Knights & Crusaders Experience life in the early years of Arundel with weapons, armour and combat demonstrations. Arundel Castle,

Coming up Saturday 18 April Pace and Weight Mavis Cheek looks at techniques for variation in pace when writing. Where to increase, where to slow and the use of weighting. Jubilee Library, 10:30am–4:30pm, £50 non-members/35 members. or call 01273 735353 for more information.

Brighton Behind The Front – City Reads History Walk Exploration of Brighton's wartime settings with local historian Jackie Marsh-Hobbs. Meet on the west side of the Volks Railway Ticket Kiosk, Madeira Dr, 11am–12:30pm, £6. City Reads Film Screening Free City Reads film screening of The Pianist. Jubilee Library, 1pm, free.

Saturday 23 May Prose and Language With Susannah Waters. Look at examples of chosen authors and see how they construct sentences and paragraphs. Incorporate the techniques into your own writing. Jubilee Library, 10am–4pm, £50 nonmembers/35 members. 01273 735353 for more information.

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latest music

with Jeff Hemmings

★ artists ★ interviews ★ gigs ★ new releases ★ clubs ★ djs ★ chart ★

news ▲

Out of the ordinary Having come close to throwing in the towel The Out Of The Ordinary Festival seems to have found its feet and will be back again later this year in the Sussex area, near Hailsham. Already they’ve confirmed the Dreadzone Sound System as headliner on one of the three days. Also confirmed is Meri Everitt, Bruise, Eugene Machine, Prject Mhym, The Fork Handles, The Hand, The Laylanas, Ocean Reid, Malarky, Wide Eyed Order, The Wobbly Squadron and much more. The festival also features many speakers including world famous crop circle specialist Andy Thomas and Professor Gordon Hillman, a leading authority in ‘wild food’. Out Of The Ordinary Festival, 18-20 September

One Love Billed as the UK’s only reggae, dub and electronic Music Festival, One Love is back after its launch last year, this time at a new location, Blackstock Farm, Hellingly and with added camping! Held from 21-23 August it was created by organiser Dan Wiltshire in recognition of Bob Marley’s famous One Love concert in 1978 which brought together the political factions in Jamaica.

Block Party On a roll and with a new album The Blockheads are back. Jeff Hemmings spoke to frontman Derek Hussey ou all know the classics; ‘Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick’, ‘Reasons To Be Cheerful (Part 3)’, and ‘Sex and Drugs and Rock’n’Roll’. Well, apart from the departure of the maverick frontman Ian Dury (who died in 2000), you wouldn’t necessarily be able to tell the difference between The Blockheads today and The Blockheads circa 1980. Except they have a new frontman and lyricist in Derek Hussey – a man who has been involved with the band for nigh on 20 years in one guise or another. “I had a chance meeting with Ian and he asked me to drop by his flat anytime and I did!”, says Derek who pre-Blockheads was a special effects man; he made The Man With The Golden Gun’s eponymous firearm glitter amongst other effects. Hussey ran a special effects business with his brother but started to be Dury’s minder and general helper at the same time. “I was his prop... with his polio, he needed somebody to hold onto. I was really like a stair rail,” he says. He would also walk Dury on and off stage, both hamming it up. “I also started to come onto stage to sing on ‘Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick’, just shouting the ‘Hit Me’ bit.” By the time Dury died Derek’s business had gone down the tubes as computers started taking away the work that he had previously done manually. The band decided to carry on after Dury’s death



Truly great singer songwriter from the USA, with a new, country flavoured album and in the UK for only two dates Tuesday 21 April, St George’s Church


Bonnie Prince Billy


because “there was a demand for it, so we did some gigs,” says Derek. Various members of The Blockheads shared vocal duties on stage and on their first post-Dury album Where’s The Party? But the grit was missing. Original Blockhead Mick Gallagher has said: “We didn’t want to emulate what we were with Ian, but we did want the continuity factor, and it worked when Derek took the front, ‘cos he’s a Londoner and he expressed himself colloquially.” Derek has written the lyrics while Chaz Jankel has written the music for the new Blockheads album Staring Down The Barrel. “I’ve tried hard not to be a pastiche of Ian, but I want my lyrics to be heard… I’m a cockney, like Ian, but I hope people don’t think I’m just another Ian.” The Blockheads, 11 April, Old Market. Staring Down The Barrel is out now

UPCOMING GIGS The Prodigy 14 April, Brighton Centre David Byrne 14 April, Dome Horace Andy 14 April, Concorde 2 PJ Harvey 15 April, Corn Exchange Bat For Lashes 16 April, Corn Exchange Doves 16 April, Dome Gary Moore 17 April, Dome The Rakes 21 April, Concorde 2 Spear of Destiny 23 April, Concorde 2 Australian Pink Floyd 28 April, B’ton Centre Diamanda Galas 2 May, Dome Gallows 2 May, Concorde 2 Art Brut 6 May, Concorde 2 Portico Quartet 6 May, Old Market The Levellers 11 May, Parlure Spiegeltent

Orquesta Aragon 12 May, Dome Great Escape 14–16 May Yolanda Brown 17 May, Old Market Bon Iver 18 May, Dome Kimya Dawson 19 May, Komedia Antony & The Johnsons 21 May, Dome Counting Crows 24 May, Brighton Centre Terry Callier 8 May, Coalition Katy Perry 2 June, Dome Jarvis Cocker 16 June, Dome Jeff Beck 24 June, Dome Loop 11–12 July, Victoria Gardens Beachdown 28–31 August Bloc Party 24 Oct, Brighton Centre UB40 9 Dec, Brighton Centre

031_LS418 Musiclist/Musichi


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Music listings

Music highlights

Tuesday 7 to Monday 13 April

Tuesday 7 to Monday 13 April

The Enemy

Funky Buddha Band Perfect party atmosphere with classic music to get people dancing. Upstairs, Latest Music Bar, 8pm, £5 The Don Bradmans + support Coming across like a 21st-Century Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band, with added festival kudos. Downstairs, Latest Music Bar, 8pm, £6/5

Saturday 11

Tuesday 7 April Bob Log III One-man blues-rock genius. Engine Rooms, 7pm, £tbc. Club Smith (formerly The Hair) + The Maybes Sample led indie/funk Freebutt, 8pm, £6.

Wednesday 8 Alice + Los Albertos + support Downstairs Latest Music Bar, 8pm, £3. Jon Allen Blues /Folk/ Rock ‘n’ Roll influences. Hanbury Club, 7:30pm–1am, £8.75/7.50. New Advemtures + KiZmiT Freebutt, 7pm, £6. The Enemy Coventry-born trio loud enough and visceral enough to awaken a sleeping giant! Brighton Dome, 7pm, £18.

Thursday 9 Gypsy Squat Pop Project Belushi’s Below, 8pm, £4. Milke + support Po Na Na, 7pm, £tbc. Sound Factory Stripped New night of ‘stripped’ down bands and singer/songwriters The Providence, 8pm, free. Straw Bear + Sandweaver + Portslade Concorde 2, 7:30pm–10pm, £5.50. The Davison McConnell Quartet Live jazz quartet. The Geese, 9pm, free. Tim and Sam’s Tim and the Sam Band with Tim and Sam With melodies firmly in the realm of the post-rock. Freebutt, 8pm, £tbc Tiny Tin Lady Original songs, superb musicianship and spine-tingling harmonies. Studio Bar. Komedia, 7:30pm, £5 Two Spot Gobi + Koala Friday Fresh, energetic live performances from this Brighton based six piece. Hanbury Club, 7pm, £8/6

Friday 10 Elvis Is In The Building Elvis impersonator, Chris Aron takes to the stage with his blue suede shoes! Blue Lagoon Bar, 8:30pm, free Brighton Jazz Club Chill out at this weekly live jazz night. Komedia, 8–11pm, £12/10/8 Foals + support Concorde 2, 7pm, £sold out. Check for returns

Bowiesque Bowie Tribute band. Audio, £10/8. Please check with venue to confirm time Caroline Weeks Multi-instrumentalist from Bat for Lashes is now on her tod. Album launch show. West Hill Hall, time and £ tbc Deadbeat Decendant + Medicine & Duty The Albert, 8pm, £5 National Children's Orcheatra of Great Britain Guest Conductor – Peter Stark. Brighton Dome. Doors 2.15pm, 3pm, £5–18 Ed Harcourt + The Robot Heart Fair Trade Gallery, 8pm, £7 Soultown Five-piece soul band led by Doo-Wop Dolls singer Jan Jinkerson playing classic Motown, Soul, Disco and funk. Latest Music Bar, 8pm, £7/5 The Blockheads In some ways, they are the original punk funk band. The Old Market, 7pm, £20/18adv The Grand Majestic An eight-piece original funk soul band who formed in early 2008. Upstairs. Latest Music Bar, £5/3. Please confirm show time with venue The Rotted (formerly Gorerotted) The UK's most obscene and extreme band. Freebutt, 8pm, £tbc Zombie Met Girl + The Black Rash With DJs till 2am. Hectors House, 6pm, free

The Enemy Northern scamps who came from nowhere with their teen anger and old fashioned vitriol that reminded one of the old days (The Clash, The Jam etc). Their number one album We’ll Live and Die In These Towns may not be so poetic as the aforementioned and they may look like little scamps but they pack a punch live and bands such as Oasis have taken to them big time. Wednesday 8 April, Dome

twinkle in her eye that suggests it’s all fantastic material for her songs… Thursday 9 April, Belushi’s Don Bradmans Really rather excellent Brighton outfit who throw tons of mad English humour into their festival vibes meets the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah band eccentricity. Songs about finding your Granny amongst the nooks and crannies, and Bill Oddie, nestle in amongst some fine musicianship, a great stage presence and much much more besides. The Don Bradmans, I presume, don’t play cricket, but like this master batsman, are full of good (musical) strokes. Friday 10 April, Latest Music Bar

Alice Young Brighton band formerly known as Blueprint. Creating a bit of a stink with their indie-pop slant that features a little bit of ska and brass action, this six-piece have a treasure chest of great songs. One of the brightest prospects on the scene, Alice are one to watch. Wednesday 8 April, Latest Music Bar

Ed Harcourt + The Robot Heart Born into nobility and from a ‘good’ background (former Tory cabinet minister Nicholas Ridley is his great uncle), Harcourt is a singer songwriter originally from Lewes. Critically acclaimed, his piano based songs are a mix of orchestrated anthems, minimalist ballads and Brit-pop nuggets. Jeff Buckley, Nick Drake and Tom Waits are some of the artists he’s been compared to. Meanwhile, Brighton’s The Robot Heart write gentle, fragile, hypnotic songs with strong harmonies. Saturday 11 April, Fair Trade Gallery

Gypsy Squat Pop Project Cordelia Fellowes is a former BIMM student who has been on the fringes for while, plying her fantastic songs of wretched boyfriends and all night debauchary. There is a boho-cabaret jazz quality to the songs, sung with aplomb and now featuring a really strong six-piece band that provides the right kind of space to allow the songs, all consistently strong, to breathe. Fellowes may regret some of her excesses but there’s a

Jeff Hemmings

Sunday 12 Allied Beats Easter Bunny Bazooka Bonanza Live appearance from Lo Fidelity Allstars and Loop De Ville. Concorde 2, 6pm–4am, £10 Justice Force 5 + Superhero + The Food Fighters Easter eggstravaganza of large and tasty portions. The Albert, 2pm–6pm, £5 adv Papercuts Freebutt, 8pm, £tbc Roy Gee Tenor sax and vocals to accompany your roast lunch. Latest Music Bar, 12:30pm–3:30pm, £10 Super Suckers + Nashville Pussy Concorde 2, 7:30pm, £12.50 adv

Monday 13 Breakthrough with Rough Trade Latest Music Bar, 7:30pm, £5/4 Health Listed in the top 20 ‘US BANDS WE LOVE’ in the NME. The Albert, 7:30pm, £tbc. Russell Watson The popular opera tenor. Doors 6.45pm. Brighton Dome, 7:30pm, £53/24 Patrick O’Donnell

Roast Jazz


Ed Harcourt

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Sun 26 Apr Jo Harman & Carl Hudson

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REVIEWS ricket, eh? In this weird and wonderful world the England ladies team seems quite capable of winning the World Cup while the men flail and flounder. Not so One Day International, the madly named fivepiece whose debut Blackbird is the record Coldplay would make if they had more imagination and melodies at their disposal. Cymbals, glockenspiels, plenty of keys, melancholic vocals, and wordy songs make for a somewhat depressing listen though. Christ on a bike! Are The Easy Star All-Stars allowed to deconstruct and dubify perhaps the most iconic album in the history of rock’n’roll, by the greatest band that ever walked the earth? Who do they think they are by parodying the cover artwork, with their big plantation of weed? Well, The Beatles themselves (who placed a tiny sprig of marijuana on the Peter Blake artwork of 1967) gave the go ahead for this project, their follow up to their masterful reinterprations of Dark Side of the Moon and OK,Computer. There’s something slightly at odds with the essential poppiness of Sergeant Pepper, but it’s up there with the aforementioned albums, perhaps benefiting from the psychedelic aspects of Pepper, which sees the Easy Stars Lonely Hearts Dub Band up the tempo at times and inject some playfulness into proceedings. It’s clever, mesmerising and at times sublime, particularly the tracks that best lend themselves to the druggy dub vibe of the band – ‘Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds’; ‘Within You Without You’ – but also on the somewhat amusing reworkings of ‘When I’m Sixty-Four’ and ‘She’s Leaving Home’. Brighton’s Way Tangent are from BIMM, but a class above most of the rest with their excellent range of indie rock, from the incendiary, and very memorable ‘Why?’ to their more mid-tempo ‘It’s Not You’. Way to go, Way Tangent! Irish singer songwriter David Kitt releases his sixth album this decade, the expansive The Nightsaver. From the dreamy opener ‘Move It On’ to the groovy beats of ‘It’s Yours’ via the glitchy ambience of ‘Learning To Say Goodnight’ there’s plenty of artful subtleties and meaningful snatches of instrumentation. Cerebral stuff, but infused with a warm producton glow and of course, his easy-going voice that simply lulls the listener into his mesmerising music. Bat For Lashes multi-instrumentalist Caroline Weeks releases her debut album this month in the shape of Songs For Edna. The nine stark, minimalist folk songs all feature lyrics ‘borrowed’ from the late American poet, Edna St Vincent-Mallay. Experimental and haunting, Weekes will be touring with Bat For Lashes this month as well as launching the album at West Hill Community Hall on 11 April.


To listen to the chart and submit your track, go to

Brighton  Latest Download Chart Top 10 ★ 1 N-D-E – Incredible Machine ★ 2 Thunk – Micromophone 3 Frunt, Bak & Nutz – The Rites Of Wolf 4 The Woo!worths – Konichiwa 5 Chaos Borne – Watching 6 Last Days of Lorca – Big Green Parcel Machine 7 The Mojo Fins – Always Now 8 Caramel Jack – We Could Build Skyscrapers 9 Mr resonate – Say What You Mean 10 Mr resonate – All That I’m Not NDE dislodge Frunt, Bak & Nutz two places to number three to claim the top spot with Thunk offering a funking rocking filling sandwiched in the middle at two. No change at four with The Woo!worths or at five for that matter with Chaos Borne. Another regular Mr Resonate is bagging nine and ten. C’mon peeps! Download something different and keep us guessing!

11 Tenek If I Should Fall – ep version 12 R21 Proved You Wrong 13 Caramel Jack Curtain 14 sMs I’m sorry Dave 15 Tenek State Of Mind 16 Glitters From Billy Holiday 17 Chaos Borne The Moment 18 Freudstein Sister Sleaze 19 Breakinbear Breeze 20 Hatchdown Come Down Easy 21 Without Warrant Stop The Machine 22 Swarf Parlour Tricks 23 Jaybee Sweet Savage 24 Friday Night Hero Our Time 25 Sam Charles Jupiter

26 Millsy Slug Music My Giddy Aunt 27 Millsy Slug Music Power 28 Victoria Ferguson & Ben Ingall Every Time 29 St.Michel Remedy 30 Sweet Sweet Lies My Overrated Girlfriend 31 Cath O’Drae Sofageddon 32 Stupid Kid With You 33 Pete Lambrou with Rhia Lock To Silence Our Little Hearts 34 Mr Resonate The Opposite Vibe feat. North Laine & Lionheart 35 Cinema du Lyon Thank you Mr Spell 36 Dear Jon On Your Side 37 Sam Charles Voyager 38 Go Johnny Go Ebbenflow 39 Loc E Chemical Romance 40 The Mystic Wizards The Vulture Song

Crossword solutions HAS MOVED TO BRIGHTON


or call Michael on 01273 687671

Solution Cryptic 188 ACROSS: 1 Quarrel 5 Dirge 8 Admission 9 Vat 10 Knife 12 Extract 13 Plenty 14 Aspire 17 Natural 19 Rigid 21 Arc 22 Vaccinate 24 Ellen 25 Dwelled. DOWN: 1 Quack 2 Arm 3 Respect 4 Loiter 5 Donat 6 Revealing 7 Entitle 11 Identical 13 Pancake 15 Service 16 Sliced 18 Raven 20 Dread 23 Ail. Solution to Quick 188 ACROSS: 1 Cassock 5 Armed 8 Embellish 9 Rip 10 Thing 12 Eastern 13 Parade 14 Qualms 17 Algebra 19 Elder 21 Ill 22 Answering 24 Gored 25 Descend. DOWN: 1 Crest 2 Sob 3 Obliged 4 Kaiser 5 Ashes 6 Marvelled 7 Depends 11 Irregular 13 Placing 15 Useless 16 Gassed 18 Brand 20 Rigid 23 Ice. © Crossword Shop



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Bar & Club listings

Bar & Club highlights

Tuesday 7 April to Monday 13

Tuesday 7 April to Monday 13

Tuesday 7 Digital Glitterati. 11pm–3am, £5/3 Funky Buddha Lounge It’s ***King Good. Prescription cheese and chart! 10:30pm, £1. New Hero This Exists. Fresh music for cool kids! Uncompromising quality pop culture. 10pm, £2 Pavilion Tavern Guerrilla Rocks. Indie, rock, metal and punk mash-up. 10:30pm–2am, £1–£3 Tru It’s All About The 90s. 10pm–2:30am, 90p Water Margin Sessions.11pm–4am, £2/free.

Po Na Na Ice Box. Funky house night for a dressed up crowd. 10pm–3am, £5/4 The Hanbury Club The Long Good Friday. Northern soul and funk. 7pm–2am, free. Volks Carbon. Brighton’s leading underground D’n’B session. 11pm–6am, £5 b4 12.

Saturday 11

Brighton Coalition De Puta Madre. Tech house and electro flavours. 11pm–7am, £tbc. Concorde 2 Spiritual Element. 11pm–6am, £10/8. Digital Thursday Club. Fresh ‘n’ cool tech house and electro-acoustics. 11pm, £9. Funky Buddha Lounge Keepin’ it Funky. Funky house and party classics. 11pm–3am, £3/2. Honey Club Floorplay. 11pm, £8. New Hero Pop Kraft. 10pm–2am, £2 Om Bar and Club Thank Funk It’s Thursday. Early weekend Dub session. 8:30pm, free. Po Na Na Secret Discotheque. 10pm–3am, £3/2

Arc Hold Up. Indie night. 10:30pm–4am, £5 Audio SoL’s Winter Sessions. 11pm–4am, free. Brighton Coalition Pop Musik. Unadulterated pop pleasures! 11pm–4am, £10-6. Concorde 2 Playgroup. Indoor fiesta extreme! With The Cuban Brothers. 11pm–4am, £10. Digital John Digweed. Featured in DJ Mag’s top 10, 10 years consecutively,11pm–3am, £13.50. Funky Buddha Lounge Buddha Soul. Disco, funk, house and rare groove. 10pm–3am, £10 Followed By: Marlon M. 3am–7am, £5/3. Honey Club Sevensins. 10:30pm–5am, £12/5. Komedia Spellbound. Rebellious 80s glam night, for haters of 80s nights! 9pm, £5/4. Komedia Brighton Rock. Smashing out classic rock and metal from decades past. 11pm, £8/6. La Tropicale Houseworks. Quality house from all over. 8pm–4am, free b4 11/£6 after. Ocean Rooms The Fiesta Easter Special. Multicultural party. 11pm, £8/6. Om Bar and Club Heavy Disco. Deep disco tech with guest DJ, Ali Broadcast. 9pm, free. Pavilion Tavern Drop Zone. Dark, Heavy, Glam, Alternative Dance. 10:30pm–3am, £4/2 Po Na Na Silk. R’n’B, funky house and commercial. 10pm–3am, £10/5 The Hanbury Club Margots Parties – Glitter Ball. Perfect pop and sexy house.7pm–2am, £10. Tru Glitterbaby. 9pm–3am, £10/8 Volks Blackbox 4th Birthday. Mashup breaks, D’n’B and jungle. 11pm, £tbc. Water Margin Logo. 3am, £7/5.

Friday 10

Sunday 12

Arc Some Kind of Wonderful. 60s night. 11pm–3am, £3 Audio Wrong Behaviour. 11pm–4am, £tbc. Brighton Coalition Mono. Top shelf tech house and techno. 11pm–6am, £8/6. Concorde 2 Super Dub Pressure. Grimey dub and electronica. 11pm–4am, £10/8. Funky Buddha Lounge Release Bank Holiday Special. Funky, soulful house music. 11pm–6am, £5 b4 12. Funky Fish The Funkyfish.10pm–3am, £5/3.50 Honey Club The Ministry of Sound Tour. 10:30pm–4am, £10/8. Komedia Balkaneasca. A wild, frenzied mix of brass-heavy Gypsy Beats.11pm, £6/5. New Hero Somewhere in the Universe… Leading alt electro dance party. 10pm, £5/3 Ocean Rooms Love Lockdown Vs Student Central – Easter Special. R’n’B, Hip Hop. 10pm. Pavilion Tavern Kick Out The Jams. Rock’n’roll indie anthems and punk. 10:30pm–3am, £5/3

Arc Irie. Ragga, R’n’B. 10pm–3am, £5/3. Concorde 2 Nightslugs. Brought to you by the fiesta godfathers, Playgroup.11pm–4am, £12/10. Digital Meltdown. Never a quiet caper with jungle and D’n’B godfathers, Shy FX in town. Throw some shapes. 10pm–4am, £10. Funky Buddha Lounge Sexx Shop. Filthy dirty house. 11pm–5am, £5. Honey Club Cafe Mambo. Chilled beach vibes. 5pm–11pm, free. King & Queen Stick it On Easter Bank Holiday all-dayer. 3pm–12am, £14. Ocean Rooms We Are The Resurrection. Electro, pop and UK garage. 9pm–4am, free.

Wednesday 8 Audio Supercharged. Hip Hop and D’n’B. 11pm–2:30am, £7/5 NUS. Brighton Coalition Club NME. A beerfest with live NME bands & DJs. 10:30pm–3:30am, free. Funky Buddha Lounge NYC. Unpretentious Pop, electro and house.11pm–6am, £3/2. Po Na Na Urban Chic. R’n’B, Hip Hop, Dance Hall and Funky House. 10pm–3am, free/£2 Volks Genetics. Liquid, soulful and darkside bass and breaks. 10pm–3am, £1 b4 12/2 after. Water Margin Forgive Me Father for I Have Synth’d. 80s electro. 11pm–3am, £tbc Followed by: Genetics. 2:30am–7am, £2.

Thursday 9

Monday 13 Coalition Trash Mondays. 10:30pm–3am, £3/free. Honey Club Disco Babe. 10:30pm–2:30am, £3/1 Po Na Na Fat Poppadaddys. 10pm–2:30am, £3/1 Jaime Pettit

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Seamus Haji LTJ Bukem


Spiritual Element 11th birthday. Monster old skool, jungle and drum ‘n’ bass night with an unmissable line-up. This all-nighter promises back to back sets from gods of the genre LTJ Bukem, Fabio and Grooverider, plus The Ratpack. Start the four-day weekend with a bang. Thursday 9 April, Concorde 2 Floorplay presents Moorplay Kicking off Easter mayhem with an eggstravagent line-up of the best floor-shaking future house to techno. A second instalment of Floorplay’s future house sounds made for the dancefloor. Summer vibes courtesy of the Brighton duo, Dirty Vegas and My Digital Enemy live! Thursday 9 April, Honey Club and Brighton Coalition


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Ministry of Sound The clubbing giants bring their stuff to Brighton. This launch night will kick off a bi-monthly residency for the London Music label, with some of the UK’s biggest DJs. Expect filthy future house from Cicro Loco Ibiza and Ministry DJs, plus Brighton’s Seamus Haji and the Hoxton Whores. Cough up £2 extra for a VIP pass and get Qjump, entry to the VIP bar and free entry to the secret after party. Friday 10 April, Honey Club Stick it On Easter Bank Holiday All-Dayer Stuff the family, get yourself down to this Beachdown Festival 2009 launch party with the chance to win Beachdown goodies and tickets. Along with the usual democratic DJing there’ll be music from Fidgital, Family Funktunes and Dave Henley; hip hop bingo with Ida Barr; a free lunch for early birds thanks to Reggae, steady, cook; free massage and a ‘wig-on’ casino; no wig, no play. Sunday 12 April, King & Queen

034_LS418 gay news


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Pride Festival announced some exciting plans for 2009 and welcomed some new faces at its AGM

Accessible art Artists will raise money for the Sussex Beacon by exhibiting new work during the Artists’ Open Houses festival. Romany Mark Bruce, designer of Brighton’s Aids Memorial, and Hizze Fletcher, who last year produced the exhibition One Hundred Artists for World Aids Day, will showcase material at the Kemp Town open house No Back Door every weekend in May. Both Brighton-based artists have a strong commitment to charity fundraising and will be donating ten per cent of sales to the Beacon. Within the exhibition there will be an additional display featuring an update on the progress of the memorial, with drawings, photos and video footage of the sculpture. The installation, which is to be sited in New Steine Gardens, is currently at the foundry being cast in bronze. It is hoped it will be erected before World Aids Day on 1 December, but there is still some fundraising to do. Downstairs at the open house an interactive workshop will give the public a chance to express themselves and sculpt miniature heads out of clay. The finished pieces completed over the month will form part of the show, highlighting how art should be accessible to all. Romany, who hopes to be at the exhibition every day it is open, said: “The Aids Memorial has received great support from across the community and this will be an opportunity to see how it has progressed from the first drawings to the foundry.” Hizze said: “I am very excited to be exhibiting in such an established space. I have great respect for Romany’s art and the contrast in our styles will work well together.” No Back Door is at 30 George Street, Kemp Town on every Saturday and Sunday in May from 11am to 6pm.

Social network A social networking event for gay professionals returns to Brighton next month. Village Drinks will be held at Latest Music Bar, Manchester Street, Kemp Town on Thursday 7 May from 7.30pm. It will be compered by Cat Harding, presenter of Radio Reverb’s Up and Out LGBT breakfast show. Village Drinks has more than 500 members in Brighton. It will gather monthly for informal drinks, speed dating and private dinners.

Last year the group was nominated for the Stonewall Community Group of the Year Award. Cat Harding In December it raised more than £4,000 with the support of Ian McKellen for the Albert Kennedy Trust. To attend, visit to upload your profile. Registration is free.

ride organisers have plans afoot so that everyone who takes part in the parade can watch it afterwards. The team behind the biggest free LGBT festival in Europe want to install a giant cinema screen in Brighton’s Preston Park to show highlights of the parade throughout the day. The 40sq metre screen would provide a focal point for the huge event on Saturday 1 August. If the proposal goes ahead, it means everyone who takes part in this year’s procession will have the chance to see the other floats in action. But the screen would come at a price and would require extra support from the sponsors, who would be able to have their branding displayed on it. Pride spokeswoman Judith Manson said: “It would be in the public area near the members area and would have footage throughout the day of the parade, footage from around the park and Pride announcements.


“If you are at the front of the parade, you don’t see what goes on at the back.” At Pride’s AGM at the Queen’s Hotel last week, chair Yvonne Barker said the board expected the 2009 event to match or exceed last year’s record visitor numbers of 160,000. But she warned it may be a tough year for the festival’s finances. In 2007/8 Pride in Brighton and Hove made a loss of £17,588 due to various factors including increased security costs and the withdrawal of an Arts Council grant for the parade workshops. The loss had to be subtracted from £72,085 brought forward from the previous year. This means the organisation was not able to put any money into its reserves. It currently has savings of £20,000 and is trying to increase that figure to £45,000. Yvonne said: “We are very aware of the current economic position and we are looking to our own financial position and any impact on Pride. Clearly we can’t afford to run at a loss.” This year there will be a Pride fundraiser some time around 24 October and for the first time there is a Pride raffle. Pride director Lesley Burn said that every group that takes part in the parade will be invited to bring something from their float to a central point in the park, so that the parade theme of ‘Pride Beside the Seaside’ is represented. She said: “It is our intention to keep Pride free.” The management approved the appointment of five new trustees – Geoffrey Bowden, trustee for communications and public relations, Sam Dickinson and Philip Warford, who will jointly lead on legal matters, Neil Dillon, who will lead on volunteering, and Timothy Drew as treasurer.

035_LS418 gay listings


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Gay listings Tuesday 7 April to Monday 13 Tuesday 7 Amsterdam The Tuesday Social. 7pm, free. Brighton Tavern Games Galore. 12pm, free. Ghetto Quiz Alicious & Twisted Karaoke. Hosted by Mistress Cat. 8pm, free. Legends Relax – It’s Tuesday. Friendly bar with smoking/sun terrace. Bar open 11am–5am, free. Marlborough Drag King Night. Rack out some pool or relax with a handsome king. 8pm, free. Queen’s Arms Skint. Unlimited drinks wristbands for £10 plus a guest DJ and karaoke. A credit crunch gem. 8pm–11pm, free. Revenge Payday Geek Chic. Rock out to the dirty house and electro pop sounds, ultra geek chic style. 10.30pm–3am, £3/2 NUS. The Basement Scene Queen. Night for scene staff and students. 11pm–4am, free.

Charles Street Club Mardi Gras. A blend of Gogo boys, feathered girls, HRH Queen Josephine and Lil Alex. 11pm–3am, £5/3. Ghetto Wigout. A kitschy, cool night for the seriously unserious. 10pm, free b4 11. Legends Pre-Ignition. Ignition DJ sounds from 7pm plus bar and terrace open all day. 7pm. Marlborough Bar & Theatre Marly DJs. Guest DJs and live music. 9pm–2am, free. Queen’s Arms Karaoke Party with Kamp Kevin. Vocalists, comedians & drag (3:30–5:30pm). Bar open 12pm–12:30am, free. R-Bar Kinky Baby. Kinky Dangerous warm-up from 9pm with Dulcie Danger. 12pm–7am, free.

Wednesday 8 Amsterdam Mid-week student Karaoke. 8pm, free. Charles Street Bar Weekly Gameshow. A new spin on game shows. 10pm, free. Ghetto Transition. Rock, metal and 80s-tastic cheese! 10pm–2am, £2.50. Latest Music Bar Gay Tango. 7–8pm absolute beginners, 8–9.30pm improvers, 9.30–11pm practical/social dancing. From 7pm, £10. Legends Gabbi’s Bona Bingo. 9pm, free. Marlborough Bar & Theatre In-House Darts League. 8pm, £3 to enter. Queen’s Arms An Evening of Queervoyance & Spice’s Cabaret. 12pm–1am, £3. R-Bar Midweek Chill. A 99p rush bar! 12pm–2am, free. Revenge Guilty. A naughty mid-week session of big funky and electro beats. 11pm–3am, £Free b4 12/2 after/Free NUS. Star Inn Charity Jukebox. Bar 12pm–11pm. The Basement Play. Uplifting house and dance anthems with DJ Lil’ Alex. 11pm–4am, free.

Thursday 9 Charles Street Bar Mad Cow. Cheap as Primark pants. 8pm–11pm, £1 Charles Street Club Religion. Two floors of funky house. 10pm–3am, £4/3 Ghetto HDSM. A night for the sexually hedonistic! Dirty sexy music. 10pm, £4/3 Legends Cabaret Lounge. 9:30pm, free. Marlborough Bar & Theatre Open mic. 9pm. Queen’s Arms Spice’s Nooks and Crannies! A Cabaret show with a difference. 9:30pm, free. R-Bar I Can’t Wait For The Weekend To Begin! Funked up, soulful and uplifting house from 9.30pm. Bar open 12pm–2am, free. Revenge The Freemasons & The Girls On Top Maundy Thursday Party. Ladybex and smiffy doll out their usual pop and party shenanigans! 10.30pm-5am, £5. The Basement Easter Mardi Gras. ‘Q Radio’ DJ Phill Marriott plays a mix of chart hit remixes and dance anthems. 11pm-4am, free.

Friday 10 Charles Street Bar Fairylea. Classic cheese, trash and oldies dished. Bar open 11am. Charles Street Club Curiosity Lite. Pure unadulterated trashy disco pop, 10:30pm–3am, £5/4/3 NUS. Ghetto Popstarz Night. Playin’ indie recent and retro! 10pm, free b4 11. Legends Pre-Celebration. Pure Pop. 7pm, free. Marlborough Bar & Theatre Girl’s Night. 2 floors of mayhem with DJs. 9pm–2am, free. Queen’s Arms Camp Attack. Unlimited drinks wristbands: £20! 9pm, free. R-Bar Tops and Bottoms. Trash, pop and party tunes from Girls on Top. 12pm–2am Revenge Lollipop & Housexual. Pop tunes and funky vocal house upstairs. 10:30pm–5am, £7/5 The Basement Easter Celebration with Dolly Rocket. Girly pop & handbag tracks. 11pm–4am.

Saturday 11 Amsterdam Sun Downers. Enjoy the best beach house music in Brighton. 8pm–2am, free. Brighton Tavern Jumble Sale with the Brighton Gay Mens Chorus. 11am–3pm, free.

Revenge The Saturdays@Kinky Dangerous. The jaw-dropping female five piece that are leading the pop revival, cause roadblocks aplenty. 10:30pm, £9. The Basement Ignition. The funky house and chart remix sounds of DJ Peter Castle. 11pm–4am, free. The PV at The Jury’s Out Saturday Madness. Brighton duets from 4:30pm, then from 8:30pm DJs takes to the decks. Bar open 12pm, free.

Sunday 12 Amsterdam Sunday Lunch (12–5:30pm) and relaxing vibes with a twist from 8pm, free. Charles Street Bar Showtime. Miss Connie Conway hosts a spellbinding night. 7.15pm, free. Ghetto Eurotrash. Anything goes at this crazy art-pop-cabaret shenanigan. 9pm, free. Honey Club Rebel. Expect the very best electro funky house at this tough and notoriously sexy after party. 3am, £8/6. Legends Easter Sunday Cabaret and Chill Out. with Kandi Kane. 3:15pm, free. Marlborough Bar & Theatre Sunday Quiz. With resident Drag King, Jack Roquard. 7pm. Queen’s Arms Cabaret and Candi Rell’s Karaoke. 12pm, free. R-Bar Sublime Sundays & Barmy Bingo. Relaxing acoustic sessions at 5pm followed by Miss Jason’s barmy Bingo! 12pm–2am, free. Revenge The Girls On Top Easter Sunday Party. Pop, urban, electro dance and a healthy helping of 80s & 90s cheddar. 10:30pm–4am, £5/ free passes available from r-bar. The Basement Fever. Dripping in disco and pop remixes with new. 11pm–4am, free. Tru Wild Fruit – Pimp Your Head. Kickin’ off the Wild Fruit season with spanking head gear and the filthiest electro and house. 10pm–3am, £12/6.

Monday 13 Amsterdam Big Quiz. 7pm–11pm, £1 to enter. Charles Street Club Studio 150. DJs Luke and Ali spin the best party tracks with mammoth drinks promos. 10pm–2am, £1.50. Ghetto Frat Party. A chaotic mash-up of indie, electro and credible. 10pm, free. Legends Dave Lynn and Friends. A hysterical night of cabaret, 9:30pm. Bar open 11pm–5am. Marlborough Trans Night. Hosted in conjunction with the Clare Project. 8:30pm, free. R-Bar Miss Jason’s Mad House. Cabaret night + Wii zone + free pool! 10pm, free. The Basement Back to the 80s and 90s. Nostalgic floor-fillers.11pm–4am, free.



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7 – 13 APRIL

She says it how she sees it

Films on TV Top tips for your week of flicks TUESDAY 7

The Secret Millionaire Channel 4, Sundays t feels as if this has been on our TVs for such a long time. When it first started I couldn’t manage to watch an episode without crying my face off. The idea of the show is wonderful, millionaires leave their mansions and pockets full of money to go and live in some of the country’s poorest areas. While living in those places they have to survive on the equivalent of job-seekers‘ allowance. No-one knows they are millionaires. The idea behind it is that they spend time in the community and by the end of their stay they will donate thousands of their own money to the people and causes in the community they think deserve it or need it. Not only does this programme tug on the heart strings but it informs the rest of us about the problems many people in this country face each day. Sitting at home on our sofas we can all too easily forget the fact that there are people struggling and suffering on our very own doorstep. But it is not only the viewers that get a wake-up call, the millionaires involved also return home with a new outlook on life. They are all self-made millionaires, many of whom came from regular families and sometimes poor families. Many of the millionaires are so touched by what they see they return again and again to give constant help and advice to those running charities or foundations. They spend just ten days in these places and many end up promising a continued source of help, not in the form of cash but in the form of a more sustainable help. It is interesting to find out that many of these privileged people, who can now offer help, came from backgrounds not too dissimilar from those they are thrust into, proving that if you try hard enough and will a small pinch of luck you can succeed regardless of your background. But possibly the most impressive and touching point this programme highlights is that in these places, the people who run charities, drop-in centres or homeless shelters are struggling themselves. A couple in one episode had quite well-paid jobs but gave them up when their child became ill and began running a centre for children with disabilities, putting themselves under financial strain to help others. There is a myth that the poorest people are the most generous and rich people are rich because they never put their hand in their pocket, this programme not only emphasises the first part of that saying but smashes the second part to bits. Sometimes you have to see things first hand to realise just how dire a situation is.


An Ideal Husband ★★★★✩ (1999, Channel 4, 1.35pm. Dir Oliver Parker) Rupert Everett, Minnie Driver, Cate Blanchett and Julianne Moore star in this take on this Oscar Wilde classic. With the obligatory snappy dialogue and high style over substance characters, ethics and confusion becoming close pals and the threat of scandal, it has all the hallmarks of a delightful Wilde yarn.


Deliverance ★★★★★ (1972, ITV1, 11.35pm. Dir John Boorman The daddy of all country bumpkin paranoia films, spawning the likes of The Hills Have Eyes and Hostel with the idea that in the middle of nowhere no-one can save you from the locals. Starring Burt Reynolds, Ned Beatty and a couple of darn handy banjos. Not for the faint of heart though.


Wedding Crashers ★★★★✩ (2005, Channel 4, 10pm. Dir David Dobkin) Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn are the ne’er do wells who regularly take advantage of the joie de vivre at random weddings to pull the ladies in this brash comedy. Targeting the biggest social event of the year, the pair turn up and manage to entangle themselves further into the family occasion than either could’ve imagined.

In Bruges ★★★★★ (2008, Sky Movies Indie, 10pm. Dir Martin McDonagh) Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson are a couple of hit men sent to Bruges together to ‘lie low’ after young Farrell botched a job. Part character comedy part crime thriller, this is a delightful low budget quirky British film that leaves you wanting to catch the next plane over to the idyllic-looking Belgian town of the title.


Persepolis ★★★★✩ (2007, Channel 4, 11pm. Dir Vincent Paronnaud)

Extraordinary animated feature based on Marjane Satrapi’s graphic novel about her life in Iran, before and after the country’s revolution in 1979, and Europe. After being sent to Vienna by her parents to study, she discovers politics, drugs and sex, but also a feeling of dislocation caused by the attitudes of those around her. She returns to her homeland to find that much has changed, but not for the better.


Blow ★★★★✩ (2001, Channel 4, 10.50pm. Dir Ted Demme) Starring Johnny Depp, Penelope Cruz, Franka Potente, Rachel Griffiths and Ray Liotta. Drug smuggling drama about the first man to discover the profit in running cocaine from Colombia into America. Based on the life of George Jung, the Californian stumbles into selling drugs as a young man to help his struggling family make ends meet. But the dangers of his chosen occupation eventually catch up with him.


Get Carter ★★★★★ (1971, Five, 11.05pm. Dir Mike Hodges) Starring Michael Caine. Hard-hitting British thriller about a London villain who makes the journey north to avenge the death of his brother. Using ruthless methods, Jack Carter unearths the sordid conspiracy – involving drugs, gambling and porn. In 1999, Get Carter was ranked 16th on the BFI Top 100 British films of the 20th century. It’s darn good.



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tuesday 7 Riddle Of The Romanovs: Revealed Five, 8pm Everyone from Disney to Hallmark have gotten in on the speculation that not all of the Romanov Russian royal family died in the mass execution orchestrated by the Bolsheviks. With new remains discovered that may throw light upon this romantic hope, will this find an answer?

The Hospital Channel 4, 9pm Kicking off this new three-part series looking at the relationship between the NHS and teenagers. Yup, it’s the time of doctors, nurses, surgeons, consultants and midwives to talk with candour about the youth of today. With this episode filmed at an A&E in the Midlands, bingedrinking gets a special focus.

Agatha Christie’s Marple ITV3, 8pm With all the scary violence of the current age on the telly tonight it’s good to hark back to the violence of bygone times, when there were always tea and crumpets by the fire and one’s old housemaid would invite one to her wedding. As is the case for Miss Marple tonight, when she discovers a house full of secrets.






Channel 4


Sky Sports 1

6.00am Breakfast 9.15 Missing Live 10.00 Homes Under The Hammer 11.00 To Buy Or Not To Buy 11.30 Cash In The Attic 12.15pm Bargain Hunt 1.00 BBC News At One 1.30 South East Today 1.45 Doctors 2.15 Diagnosis Murder 3.00 BBC News 3.05 Mister Maker 3.25 Arthur 3.40 Arthur 3.55 Uncle Max 4.05 Richard Hammond’s Blast Lab 4.35 Blue Peter 5.00 MyWish 5.05 Newsround 5.15 The Weakest Link

6.00am Tikkabilla 6.30 Teletubbies 7.00 Something Special - Out And About 7.20 Mister Maker 7.40 Carrie And David’s Popshop 8.00 Arthur 8.15 Frankenstein’s Cat 8.25 What’s New Scooby Doo? 8.45 The Secret Show 9.00 Richard Hammond’s Blast Lab 9.30 Best Of Friends 10.00 The Sorcerer’s Apprentice 11.00 FILM: Tron (1982) 12.30pm Working Lunch 1.00 Castle In The Country 1.30 Car Booty 2.15 Heir Hunters 3.00 Murder, She Wrote 3.45 Flog It! 4.30 A Question Of Genius 5.15 Escape To The Country 6.00 Eggheads Dermot Murnaghan hosts this quiz show. 6.30 Great British Menu The country’s top chefs compete to cook a homecoming dinner for the forces. 7.00 The Department Store: Milners Series in which filmmaker Richard Macer visits the independent high street department stores that are fighting back against the big brands. 8.00 The Speaker The search is on to find Britain’s best young speaker in this eight-part series. 9.00 Horse People With Alexandra Tolstoy Alexandra Tolstoy, a passionate horse-rider and adventurer, explores very different cultures round the world that all depend on and share a deep love of the horse. In a good way. 10.00 Later Live... With Jools Holland Joining Jools for the first show will be Glasgow’s favourite art school rockers Franz Ferdinand, joined by British ska legends The Specials,. American singer songwriter Carole King and more. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Wire Critically acclaimed drama series. Tipped off by the wire, the police bust a ‘re-up’ in the low rises. Their success makes Avon and Stringer suspicious. Heck, and McNulty is being McNulty. 12.20am High Altitude 12.50 BBC News 4.00 GCSE Bitesize

6.00am GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 This Morning 11.25 ITV News And Weather 11.30 This Morning 12.30pm Loose Women 1.30 ITV Lunchtime News And Weather 2.00 Dickinson’s Real Deal 3.00 The Alan Titchmarsh Show 4.00 A Touch Of Frost 5.00 Taste The Nation

6.15am The Hoobs 6.40 Planet Cook 7.00 Freshly Squeezed 7.30 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.30 Frasier 9.00 Will And Grace 9.30 Will And Grace 10.00 Brothers And Sisters 10.50 Without A Trace 11.45 British Made 12.00pm News At Noon 12.30 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 1.35 FILM: An Ideal Husband (1999) 3.25 Countdown 4.15 Deal Or No Deal 5.00 The Paul O’Grady Show

6.00 – 9.00am Children’s television 9.00 Roary The Racing Car 9.15 The Wright Stuff 10.45 Trisha Goddard 11.45 Monkey Life 12.15pm Monkey Life 12.45 Five News 12.55 Wordplay 1.45 Neighbours 2.15 Home And Away 2.50 Wordplay Plus 3.00 The Family Recipe 3.10 FILM: Angel In The Family (2004) 5.00 Five News With Natasha Kaplinsky 5.30 Neighbours

6.00 Meridian Tonight 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Andy is enraged when Debbie reveals his relationship with Maisie to all at the Woolpack. Hope he doesn’t go all green again in his enragement. We don’t like it when he’s all green and Hulk-y. 7.30 UEFA Champions League: Manchester United V FC Porto Steve Rider presents live coverage of the quarter-final, first leg between Manchester United and FC Porto from Old Trafford. United are unbeaten in their last 21 Champions League games – a competition record - and it is four years since they lost a European match at the Theatre of Dreams. Porto have been Portuguese champions for the last three seasons and won this competition in 2004 under Jose Mourinho. With commentary by Clive Tyldesley and David Pleat, analysis from Andy Townsend. 10.00 News At Ten; Weather 10.35 UEFA Champions League Highlights Craig Doyle presents highlights of this evening’s UEFA Champions League quarter-final, firstleg games. In case you missed it or are utterly addcited to scantily clad men running around a field. 12.00am Guinness Premiership Rugby 12.50 Supernatural 1.35 Loose Women 2.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 3.20 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV News

6.00 The Simpsons 6.30 Hollyoaks Gaz says sorry to Anita for bullying her. Good of him. Ash names the time and place for his bike race with Justin, who is clearly dreading it. Not known for his lack of takeaways and lounging is our Just. 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 The Political Slot 8.00 Willie’s Chocolate Revolution The first of a three-part special series following chocolate enthusiast Willie Harcourt-Cooze as he attempts to introduce the nation to real chocolate. 9.00 The Hospital See highlights 10.00 Shameless Gritty comedy drama. Jamie puts Joe in hospital after finding out he has been battering Mandy. Not wanting Jamie to go back behind bars, Mimi takes the rap for her son. 11.05 The Big Bang Theory US sitcom. The boys build fighting robots for a challenge. It, is, on. 11.35 My Name Is Earl Us sitcom. After the prison warden refuses an early release, Earl tries to escape from jail. 12.05am Alesha Dixon: Video Exclusive 12.10 Party Poker: Premier League Poker 1.10 Freesports On 4 1.40 4Sport: Destination 2012 2.35 BUCS Championships 3.05 European Poker Tour 4.00 The Great North Swim 4.55 Time Team 5.50 The Hoobs

6.00 Home And Away Belle lies to Aden and tells him she quit the paper. Deja vu anyone? 6.30 Monkey Life Series following the residents of Dorset’s Monkey World Ape Rescue Centre. 7.00 Five News At 7 7.25 Mad For Dance Series of short films exploring how dance has played its part in the lives of people dealing with mental health issues. 7.30 Highland Emergency Documentary series. 8.00 Riddle Of The Romanovs: Revealed See highlights. 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Drama series. Nick and Ray are baffled by the apparent murder of a fast-food restaurant manager. Catherine and Greg, meanwhile, untangle the equally puzzling death of a woman who was handcuffed to her bed. 10.00 CSI: Miami Crime drama. A nanny is found stabbed to death in her wealthy employers’ home and a jealous teenage boy emerges as a key suspect. 11.00 CSI: NY Crime drama. The CSIs investigate when a parasomniac sleep-walks out of her apartment complex and is later found covered in blood next to a woman’s body. 12.00am The Shield 1.00 NBA Basketball 3.30 IndyCar 4.20 V8 Supercars 5.10 Neighbours 5.35 Home And Away

6.00am Good Morning Sports Fans 6.30 Good Morning Sports Fans 7.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 8.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 9.00 Big League Weekend 10.30 Soccer AM: The Best Bits 11.30 Test Cricket 1.30pm Big League Weekend 3.00 Soccer AM: The Best Bits 4.00 Test Cricket 6.00 Football Asia 6.30 Revista De La Liga 7.30 LIVE Greyhound Racing 10.00 Revista De La Liga 11.00 Football Asia 11.30 Test Cricket 1.30am Revista De La Liga 2.30 Football Asia 3.00 Poker: Million $ Cash Game 4.00 Revista De La Liga 5.00 Football Asia 5.30 360 Series

6.00 BBC News At Six 6.30 South East Today 7.00 The One Show 7.30 EastEnders As Lauren’s trial begins, Max holds her fate in his hands; can he persuade the jury of her innocence? Daddy dearest, eh? 8.00 Holby City With Ric away dealing with the Hewitt case, Connie mounts an attack on his status as director of surgery, but is frustrated when Michael reneges on his deal to back her. Any medicine? Any old medicine in this. 9.00 All The Small Things Drama. Having entered the choir into a prestigious competition, Layla encourages Michael to be ruthless, even if it means shedding unsuitable elements. Unfortunately, this includes church caretaker Shrek. Bit of a mean name. May as well go the whole hog and call him Quasimodo. 10.00 BBC News At Ten 10.25 South East Today 10.35 The Planners Are Coming Looks at building planning processes. 11.05 Film 2009 With Jonathan Ross Reviews of the latest releases, plus reports on the impact of the recession on the US film industry. 11.35 Damages US Legal drama. 12.20am FILM: Simpatico (1999) 2.00 Weatherview 2.05 Sign Zone: See Hear 2.35 Beyond Boundaries: Where Are They Now? 3.35 Axe The Agent? 4.35 BBC News

Sky Sports 2 6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Powder Adventures 7.00 WWE Afterburn 8.00 Powder Adventures 8.30 The Golf Ireland Show 9.00 High Five 9.30 Elite League Speedway 11.30 Poker 1.30pm FEI Equestrian World 2.00 Elite League Speedway 4.00 Football: UEFA Champions League 4.30 Football: UEFA Champions League 5.00 Football: UEFA Champions League 5.30 Football: UEFA Champions League 6.00 Powder Adventures 6.30 360 Series 7.00 Pool: World Cup Of Pool 8.00 Test Cricket 10.00 Poker: Million $ Cash Game 11.00 NFL: Total Access 12.00am Squash 1.00 Squash 2.00 Close

Sky Sports 3 10.30am FEI Equestrian World 11.30 Racing News 12.00pm Squash 1.00 Squash 2.00 Powder Adventures 2.30 Golf Ireland Show 3.00 Poker 5.00 WWE Smackdown 7.00 Sports Unlimited 8.00 Volvo Ocean Race 9.00 Powder Adventures 9.30 360 Series 10.00 Sports Unlimited 11.00 Volvo Ocean Race 12.00am Pool: World Cup Of Pool 1.00 Airsports World 1.30 Volvo Ocean Race 2.30 Close

Victoria Nangle

extraterrestrial Sky1








12.00pm Project Runway 1.00 Top Design 2.00 Bones 3.00 Cold Case 4.00 Malcolm In The Middle 4.30 The Lion Man 5.00 Bondi Vet 5.30 Futurama (x2) 6.30 Oops TV 7.00 The Simpsons (x4) 9.00 Road Wars 10.00 Addicted To Evil 11.30 Lost 12.30am Boat That Rocked Special 1.00 Road Wars

7.00pm Doctor Who 7.50 The Real Hustle Las Vegas 8.00 Freaky Eaters 9.00 Young Mums’ Mansion: The Dads Arrive 10.00 EastEnders 10.30 Horne And Corden 11.00 Family Guy (x2) 11.45 Young Mums’ Mansion: The Dads Arrive 12.45am Freaky Eaters 1.45 Horne And Corden 2.15 Snog Marry Avoid?

7.00pm World News Today 7.30 Coal House At War 8.00 1929: The Great Crash 9.00 Early Doors 9.30 I’ve Never Seen Star Wars 10.00 Mad Men 10.50 Law And Order 12.10am Call The Cops 1.10 1929: The Great Crash 2.10 The Book Quiz 2.40 I’ve Never Seen Star Wars 3.10 Call The Cops 5.30 Close

1.30pm The Jeremy Kyle Show (x2) 3.45 Loose Women 4.45 The Ricki Lake Show 5.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 6.10 Judge Judy 6.35 Judge Judy 7.00 America’s Got Talent 8.00 Britain’s Got More Talent: Best & Worst 1 9.00 Coleen’s Real Women 10.00 FILM: 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003) 12.10am FM

1.15pm Ballykissangel 2.20 The Return Of Sherlock Holmes 3.30 Cadfael 5.15 Goodnight Sweetheart 5.50 Heartbeat 6.55 Ballykissangel 8.00 Agatha Christie’s Marple. See highlights. 10.00 Ladies Of Letters 10.30 FILM: Hand Of A Murderer (1990) 12.30am The Return Of Sherlock Holmes

12.45pm Scrubs (x2) 1.40 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 2.30 One Tree Hill 3.25 Gilmore Girls 4.20 Hollyoaks 4.55 Friends (x2) 6.00 Scrubs (x2) 7.00 Hollyoaks 7.30 My Name Is Earl 8.00 Friends (x2) 9.00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years (x2) 11.00 Shameless 12.05am Scrubs (x2)

3.00pm A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4.00 How Clean Is Your House? (x2) 5.05 Relocation, Relocation 6.05 Deal Or No Deal 7.00 Grand Designs Revisited 8.00 News 8.30 The Daily Show 9.00 Come Dine With Me 10.00 True Stories: Afghan Star 11.50 Come Dine With Me 12.55am True Stories: Afghan Star

12.00pm Maury (x2) 1.50 The Fix 2.00 Nothing To Declare 2.30 Passport Patrol 3.00 Grey’s Anatomy 4.00 Charmed (x2) 6.00 America’s Next Top Model 7.00 Home Video Heroes (x2) 8.00 America’s Next Top Model 9.00 New Living With The Dead 10.00 Ghost Whisperer 11.00 CSI (x2) 1.00am Charmed




Sci Fi

Sky Movies

Sky Movies



5.00pm Keeping Up Appearances 5.40 Seven Of One: Spanners Eleven 6.20 My Family 7.00 Last Of The Summer Wine (x2) 8.20 Steptoe And Son 9.00 Only Fools And Horses 10.40 The Thin Blue Line 11.20 The New Statesman 11.55 French And Saunders 12.35am The Thin Blue Line 1.15 Gimme Gimme Gimme

2.00pm The King Of Queens (x2) 3.00 Everybody Loves Raymond (x2) 4.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 5.00 Scrubs (x2) 6.00 Everybody Loves Raymond (x2) 7.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 8.00 Scrubs (x2) 9.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 10.00 Scrubs 10.30 Sex And The City (x2) 11.30 South Park (x2) 12.30am Scrubs (x2)

2.00pm Crime Museum UK 2.30 Unsolved Murders 3.00 Deadliest Catch 4.00 Time Team 5.00 Scrapheap Challenge 6.00 American Chopper 7.00 How Do They Do It? 7.30 How It’s Made 8.00 Storm Chasers (x2) 10.00 Born Survivor: Bear Grylls 11.00 Crime Scene Australia 12.00am Crime Scene USA (x2)

12.00pm Star Trek 1.00 Who Wants To Be A Superhero? 2.00 Angel 3.00 FILM: Thrill Seekers (1999) 5.00 Quantum Leap 6.00 3rd Rock From The Sun (x2) 7.00 Angel 8.00 FILM: Ground Zero (2000) 9.50 FILM: Locusts: Day Of Destruction (2005) 11.30 FILM: Derailed (2002) 1.10am Ghost Stories

12.50pm Duel In The Sun (1946) 3.05 Johnny Guitar (1954) 5.05 The Top 10 Show 5.20 Mr Hobbs Takes A Vacation (1962) 7.20 Titanic (1953) 9.00 Bigger Than Life (1956) 10.40 Duel In The Sun (1946) 12.55am The Boston Strangler (1968) 3.00 Here Come The Waves (1944)

11.30am The Movie Geek 12.00pm Earth (1998) 1.50 Water (2005) 3.50 December Boys (2007) 5.40 A Fish Called Wanda (1988) 7.30 Into The Wild (2007) 10.00 Control (2007) 12.05am Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas (1998) 2.05 Requiem For A Dream (2000)

1.00pm Innocents In Paris (1953) 2.45 A Kid For Two Farthings (1955) 4.30 The Wrong Arm Of The Law (1963) 6.25 K-19: The Widowmaker (2002) Harrison Hord and Liam Neeson try and help a busted sub. 9.00 Boat Trip (2002) 10.50 Once Upon A Time In The West (1968) 2.00am Dog Eat Dog (2001)

8.55am The Sins Of Rachel Cade (1961) 11.10 Ride The High Country (1962) 1.00pm Any Wednesday (1966) 3.00 Firecreek (1968) 5.00 Marlowe (1969) 6.50 The VIPs (1963) 9.00 Straight Time (1978) 11.10 Showdown In Little Tokyo (1991) 12.40am Straight Time (1978) 2.55 The Sergeant (1968)





1:12 PM

Page 1

wednesday 8 The Apprentice BBC1, 9pm Week three and self-righteous departures have gone as expected and we’ve started to work out who might be the key characters in the mega job interview. This week the gangs have to devise an original piece of portable gym equipment, a poster to go with it and a pitch to industry experts. Ow, ahoy.

Grand Designs Channel 4, 9pm It’s a couple from Brighton! We love it when local development gets the microscope treatment, especially when the imagination has just gone more wild than Russell Brand’s hair. Barry and Julie Surtees are building a four storey mansion with a gym, an artist’s studio, fantasy bedroom and Japanese roof garden. Bliss.

The Inbetweeners E4, 10.40pm E4’s teen sitcom that isn’t Skins returns for a second series with the new term kicking off as it means to go on – with trepidation regarding the infamous sociology and geography field trip to Swanage. Plus, a new girl has joined the school and lovely Will has taken a right old shine to her. Can these two events mesh well?






Channel 4


Sky Sports 1

6.00am Breakfast 9.15 Missing Live 10.00 Homes Under The Hammer 11.00 To Buy Or Not To Buy 11.30 Cash In The Attic 12.15pm Bargain Hunt 1.00 BBC News At One 1.30 South East Today 1.45 Doctors 2.15 Diagnosis Murder 3.00 BBC News 3.05 Mister Maker 3.25 Arthur 3.40 Arthur 3.55 Uncle Max 4.05 Paradise Cafe 4.35 Blue Peter 5.00 MyWish 5.05 Newsround 5.15 The Weakest Link

6.00am Tikkabilla 6.30 Teletubbies 7.00 Something Special – Out And About 7.20 Mister Maker 7.40 Carrie And David’s Popshop 8.00 Arthur 8.15 Frankenstein’s Cat 8.25 What’s New Scooby-Doo? 8.45 The Secret Show 9.00 Richard Hammond’s Blast Lab 9.30 Best Of Friends 10.00 The Sorcerer’s Apprentice 11.00 The Flintstones 11.25 FILM: The Barefoot Executive (1971) 1.00pm See Hear 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 Living In The Sun 3.00 Murder, She Wrote 3.45 Flog It! 4.30 A Question Of Genius 5.15 Escape To The Country 6.00 Eggheads Dermot Murnaghan hosts the quiz show. 6.30 Great British Menu The country’s top chefs compete to cook a homecoming dinner for the forces. 7.00 Escape To The Country Alistair Appleton helps a couple from East Grinstead find a quiet country home in the Cotswolds. 8.00 The Speaker The search to find Britain’s best young speaker continues in Manchester and Cardiff. 9.00 Alan Whicker’s Journey Of A Lifetime Alan Whicker travels the world on a journey reflecting his varied career. Alan tracks down a Hollywood plastic surgeon and his favourite patient – his wife. When originally shown, they generated the biggest postbag of Whicker’s career, but after thirty years, will they still be together? 10.00 The Apprentice: You’re Fired Companion discussion show to The Apprentice, with Adrian Chiles. Meet the latest person to become a cropper in Sir Alan’s boardroom. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Wire Critically acclaimed drama series. Omar earns his ‘loose cannon’ moniker in a violent street encounter with Wee-Bey and Stinkum. He da man. 12.15am Golf: The Masters – 2008 Review 1.15 Mad Men 2.05 BBC News 4.00 GCSE Bitesize Revision: Science

6.00am GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 This Morning 11.25 ITV News And Weather 11.30 This Morning 12.30pm Loose Women 1.30 ITV Lunchtime News And Weather 2.00 Dickinson’s Real Deal 3.00 The Alan Titchmarsh Show 4.00 A Touch Of Frost 5.00 Taste The Nation

6.15am The Hoobs 6.40 Planet Cook 7.00 Freshly Squeezed 7.30 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.30 Frasier 9.00 Will And Grace 9.30 Will And Grace 10.00 Brothers And Sisters 10.50 Without A Trace 11.45 Small Railway Journeys 12.00pm News At Noon 12.30 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 1.35 FILM: Man Of The West (1958) 3.25 Countdown 4.15 Deal Or No Deal 5.00 The Paul O’Grady Show

6.00 – 9.00am Children’s television 9.00 Roary The Racing Car 9.15 The Wright Stuff 10.45 Trisha Goddard 11.45 Monkey Life 12.15pm Monkey Life 12.45 Five News 12.55 Wordplay 1.45 Neighbours 2.15 Home And Away 2.50 Wordplay Plus 3.10 FILM: Columbo: A Trace Of Murder (1997) 5.00 Five News With Natasha Kaplinsky 5.30 Neighbours

6.00 Meridian Tonight 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Nathan swings for Andy when he realises that Andy and Maisie are an item. Was he not in the pub last night? 7.30 Coronation Street Michelle is unimpressed by Peter’s courtship. To be honest, Leanne was always just being kind when he gave it a go with her. He’s a bit rubbish. 8.00 The Bill After a tip-off about a fight in the park, PC Nate Roberts and Sargeant Smithy arrive to find a schoolgirl being beaten up by two thugs. When they give chase, Smith is stabbed in the chest by one of the miscreants. Who’d wanna live in Sun Hill?! Nothing but trouble. 9.00 Superhuman: World’s Tallest Children Documentary following the lives of the tallest children on the planet, including a 13-year-old boy measuring an astonishing 7 ft 4in and Britain’s tallest family reveal their bespoke supersized home. 10.00 News At Ten; Weather 10.35 Law & Order: UK Scotland Yard and the Crown Court unite against the baddies. 11.35 Nightwatch With Steve Scott: Action Stations 12.30am The Big Tackle With Austin Healey 1.25 Loose Women 2.10 The Jeremy Kyle Show 3.05 Taking On The Taxman: Tonight 3.30 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV News

6.00 The Simpsons 6.30 Hollyoaks Hannah offers to help Justin soup up his bike, and as they work it is clear that there is a spark between them. Everyone loves Hannah. 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 The Political Slot 8.00 Willie’s Chocolate Revolution Chocolate enthusiast Willie HarcourtCooze attempts to introduce the nation to real chocolate, creating the world’s finest, purest chocolate bar. 9.00 Grand Designs See highlights. 10.00 Desperate Housewives US drama series set in suburbia. Bree promises Lynette to help get Tom a new job, which leads her to discover Orson’s shocking habit. Carlos’s adulterous boss puts Gaby in an impossible position, and Edie stirs up trouble for Dave. Isn’t that just her thing? 11.00 Eminem: Video Exclusive 11.05 Shameless Gritty comedy drama series set on a Manchester estate. Repeat of yesterday.s show. 12.10am 4 Music: Frankmusik: Live And Lost 12.25 4Play: Zarif 12.40 4Play: The Hours 12.50 The Shockwaves Album Chart Show 1.20 Rockfeedback 1.50 Shin Gi Tai 1.55 Love, Life, Death In The Day 2.55 3 Minute Wonder 3.00 Cave Mummies Of The Canaries 3.55 Time Team 4.50 My Eden 4.55 Countdown 5.40 Grabbit The Rabbit 5.50 The Hoobs

6.00 Home And Away Leah is happy that Roman’s friendship with VJ is growing. Gotta get the kids on side. 6.30 Monkey Life Series following the residents of Dorset’s Monkey World Ape Rescue Centre. 7.00 Five News At 7 7.25 Mad For Dance Series of short films exploring how dance has played its part in the lives of people dealing with mental health issues. 7.30 Hero Animals Series profiling the true-life stories of heroic animals. 8.00 Oil Riggers New series following life on the oil rigs of Texas. 9.00 Extraordinary People: The World’s Heaviest Man Gets Married Documentary series. This edition revisits morbidly obese Mexican Manuel Uribe as he prepares for the biggest day of his life. Weighing in at some 560kg when he earned the dubious title of the world’s heaviest man in 2006, Manuel has since shed some pounds, found love and is now due to marry. 10.00 FILM: High Plains Drifter (1973) Starring Clint Eastwood, Verna Bloom. Stunning, violent western in which a mysterious stranger rides into a small frontier town in the American Southwest, only to be provoked into a gunfight. 12.10am Poker Den: Big Game III 1.40 NHRA Drag Racing (x2) 3.45 NHL Ice Hockey 5.10 Neighbours 5.35 Home And Away

6.00am Good Morning Sports Fans 9.00 Football Asia 9.30 360 Series 10.00 Revista De La Liga 11.00 Poker: Million $ Cash Game 12.00pm Football Asia 12.30 Revista De La Liga 1.30 360 Series 2.00 Football Asia 2.30 Revista De La Liga 3.30 Poker: Million $ Cash Game 4.30 Football Asia 5.00 Revista De La Liga 6.00 Boots ‘n’ All 7.00 IRB World Rugby Sevens Series 10.00 Boots ‘n’ All 11.00 FIFA Futbol Mundial 11.30 Total Rugby 12.00am IRB World Rugby Sevens Series 3.00 Boots ‘n’ All 4.00 You’re On Sky Sports 5.30 FIFA Futbol Mundial

6.00 BBC News At Six 6.30 South East Today 7.00 The One Show 7.30 Animal 24:7 Series following the people fighting to protect Britain’s wildlife and pets. 8.00 Waterloo Road Drama series. Philip feels the pressure of being the only 16-year-old virgin in the school, while there is devastation in store for Flick as she learns of Marley’s betrayal. School is only ever this complicated when you’re there. 9.00 The Apprentice See highlights. 10.00 BBC News At Ten 10.25 South East Today 10.35 The National Lottery Draws Jamelia is live from Lottery HQ with the Thunderball, Dream Number and Lotto draws. It’s quite a party when those four get together! 10.45 Queens Of British Pop A celebration of six queens of British pop music, and a look at their impact between 1980 and 2009. This programme profiles Annie Lennox, Alison Moyet, Kylie Minogue, Geri Halliwell, Amy Winehouse and Leona Lewis. These female stars take us from post-punk to The X Factor, with a slice of girl power along the way. 11.45 The BBC One Sessions 12.40am Weatherview 12.45 Sign Zone: Jimmy Doherty In Darwin’s Garden 1.45 Oz And James Drink To Britain 2.15 MasterChef (x2) 3.15 Axe The Agent? 4.15 BBC News

Sky Sports 2 6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Powder Adventures 7.00 WWE Vintage Collection 8.00 Revista De La Liga 9.00 High Five 9.30 Airsports World 10.00 Pool: World Cup Of Pool 11.00 50 Greatest Pool Trickshots 1.00pm Pool: World Cup Of Pool 2.00 Sports Unlimited 3.00 Volvo Ocean Race 4.00 Football: UEFA Champions League 5.00 Football: UEFA Champions League 6.00 European Tour Weekly 6.30 FIFA Futbol Mundial 7.00 LIVE Football: UEFA Champions League 10.30 You’re On Sky Sports 12.00am European Tour Weekly 12.30 FIFA Futbol Mundial 1.00 Trans World Sport 2.00 Close

Sky Sports 3 10.00am Volvo Ocean Race 11.00 Aerobics: Oz Style 11.30 Racing News 12.00pm Sports Unlimited 1.00 Volvo Ocean Race 2.00 Powder Adventures 2.30 Airsports World 3.00 Pool: World Cup Of Pool 4.00 Sports Unlimited 5.00 WWE The Bottom Line 6.00 WWE Afterburn 7.00 Powder Adventures 7.30 LIVE Football: UEFA Champions League 10.00 Trans World Sport 11.00 NFL: Total Access 12.00am Max Power 1.00 Watersports World 2.00 Close

Victoria Nangle

extraterrestrial Sky1








1.00pm Top Design 2.00 Bones 3.00 Cold Case 4.00 Malcolm In The Middle 4.30 The Lion Man 5.00 Bondi Vet 5.30 Futurama (x2) 6.30 Oops TV 7.00 The Simpsons (x2) 8.00 Project Runway 9.00 UK Border Force 10.00 Ben: Diary Of A Heroin Addict 11.00 Fringe 12.10am Ross Kemp On Gangs 1.10 Road Wars (x2)

7.00pm Doctor Who 7.50 The Real Hustle Las Vegas 8.00 FILM: The Ice Princess (2005) 9.30 Snog Marry Avoid? 10.00 Young Mums’ Mansion: The Dads Arrive 11.00 Horne And Corden 11.30 Family Guy (x2) 12.15am Snog Marry Avoid? 12.45 Young Mums’ Mansion: The Dads Arrive 1.45 Horne And Corden

7.00pm World News Today 7.30 The Passion 9.50 The Passion 10.20 Meetings With Remarkable Trees 10.30 Newswipe With Charlie Brooker 11.00 I’ve Never Seen Star Wars 11.30 Pop Britannia 12.30am Pop On Trial 1.30 Batman 1.55 Batman 2.20 Mad Men (x2) 5.30 Close

3.45pm Loose Women 4.45 The Ricki Lake Show 5.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 6.10 Judge Judy 6.35 Creature Comforts 6.45 America’s Got Talent 8.00 Britain’s Got More Talent: Best & Worst 2 9.00 Gossip Girl 10.00 Celebrity Juice 10.30 FILM: The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006) 12.40am Coronation Street

12.15pm Heartbeat 1.20 Ballykissangel 2.25 The Return Of Sherlock Holmes 3.30 Cadfael 5.15 Goodnight Sweetheart 5.50 Heartbeat 6.55 Ballykissangel 8.00 Monarch Of The Glen 9.00 Ladies Of Letters 9.30 Comedy Classics: Rising Damp 10.00 PD James: An Unsuitable Job For A Woman 12.15am Numb3rs

2.35pm One Tree Hill 3.30 Gilmore Girls 4.25 Hollyoaks 4.55 Friends (x2) 6.00 Scrubs (x2) 7.00 Hollyoaks 7.30 My Name Is Earl 8.00 Friends (x2) 9.00 FILM: Doctor Dolittle (1998) 10.40 The Inbetweeners. See highlights. 11.15 8 Out Of 10 Cats 11.50 Scrubs (x2) 12.45am My Name Is Earl

4.00pm How Clean Is Your House? (x2) 5.05 Relocation, Relocation 6.05 Deal Or No Deal 7.00 Grand Designs 8.00 News 8.30 The Daily Show 9.00 Dispatches: Afghanistan Mission Impossible? 10.00 Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares (x2) 12.05am Brian Clough: In His Own Words

11.00am The Jerry Springer Show (x2) 12.00pm Maury (x2) 1.50 The Fix 2.00 Nothing To Declare 2.30 Passport Patrol 3.00 Grey’s Anatomy 4.00 Charmed (x2) 6.00 America’s Next Top Model 7.00 Home Video Heroes (x2) 8.00 Grey’s Anatomy 9.00 Eleventh Hour 10.00 CSI (x3) 1.00am Charmed




Sci Fi

Sky Movies

Sky Movies



5.00pm Keeping Up Appearances 5.40 Seven Of One: Another Fine Mess 6.20 My Family 7.00 Last Of The Summer Wine (x2) 8.20 Steptoe And Son 9.00 Only Fools And Horses 10.05 One Foot In The Grave 10.45 Gimme Gimme Gimme 11.25 The New Statesman 12.45am One Foot In The Grave

3.00pm Everybody Loves Raymond (x2) 4.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 5.00 Scrubs (x2) 6.00 Everybody Loves Raymond (x2) 7.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 8.00 Scrubs (x2) 9.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 10.00 US Office 10.30 Sex And The City (x2) 11.35 South Park (x2) 12.35am Two And A Half Men (x2) 1.35 South Park

2.30pm Unsolved Murders 3.00 Deadliest Catch 4.00 Time Team 5.00 Scrapheap Challenge 6.00 American Chopper 7.00 How Do They Do It? 7.30 How It’s Made 8.00 Destroyed In Seconds (x2) 9.00 Crime Museum UK (x2) 10.00 Serial Killers 11.00 Crime Scene Australia 12.00am Crime Scene USA (x2)

12.00pm Star Trek 1.00 Who Wants To Be A Superhero? 2.00 Angel 3.00 FILM: Locusts: Day Of Destruction (2005) 5.00 Quantum Leap 6.00 3rd Rock From The Sun (x2) 7.00 Angel 8.00 FILM: Thrill Seekers (1999) 9.50 FILM: Derailed (2002) 11.30 FILM: The Snake King (2005) 1.30am Ghost Stories

12.50pm Abbott And Costello Meet The Mummy (1955) 2.15 The Movie Geek 2.45 The Guns Of Navarone (1961) 5.25 The Pawnbroker (1965) 7.25 Support Your Local Sheriff! (1969) 9.00 The Guns Of Navarone (1961) 11.40 Abbott And Costello Meet The Killer, Boris Karloff (1949)

9.00am Mulholland Drive (2001) 11.30 Clerks II (2006) 1.10pm The Singer (2006) 3.10 Letters From Iwo Jima (2006) 5.35 Breaking And Entering (2006) 7.50 Sicko (2007) 10.00 Be Kind Rewind (2008) 11.45 Quadrophenia (1979) 1.50am 4 Months, 3 Weeks And 2 Days (2007)

1.00pm Johnny O’Clock (1947) 2.50 Human Desire (1954) 4.40 The Black Tent (1956) 6.40 Corrina, Corrina (1994) 9.00 Elizabeth (1998) Cate Blanchett stars as ‘The Virgin Queen’ in this much accoladed royal biopic. 11.20 The Edukators (2004) 1.55am The Hired Hand (1971)

7.05am The Screening Room 7.45 The Sins Of Rachel Cade (1961) 10.00 Quo Vadis? (1951) 1.00pm A Fine Madness (1966) 3.00 Bombers B-52 (1957) 5.00 The Hill (1965) 7.20 Murder Ahoy (1964) 9.00 Surviving Picasso (1996) 11.25 So Fine (1981) 1.10am Surviving Picasso (1996) 3.20 Looker (1981)





4:39 PM

Page 1

thursday 9 The Truth About Online Anorexia ITV1, 9pm Fearne Cotton forgoes her normal diet to plunge into the world of crash dieting and pro-anorexia websites. Really quite shocking, she investigates these sites that give tips on starving and meets a woman who runs one, as well as an anorexia survivor and the mother of a less fortunate girl.

Around The World In 80 Trades Channel 4, 10pm Conor Woodman is a city trader – or rather he was. Now he’s an adventurer on the open market endeavouring to double his original £25,000 trading a variety of goods around the world. Starting in Sudan, where he finds selling two tonnes of Zambian coffee harder than he imagined.

Crooked House BBC4, 10pm Spooky stories ahoy! When schoolteacher Ben finds an old door knocker in his garden the local curator reckons it may be from a now demolished house, said to be haunted and previously the home of an eighteenth century businessman with rumours of questionable ethics. Night time and it’s bumping time.






Channel 4


Sky Sports 1

6.00am Breakfast 9.15 Missing Live 10.00 Homes Under The Hammer 11.00 To Buy Or Not To Buy 11.30 Cash In The Attic 12.15pm Bargain Hunt 1.00 BBC News At One 1.30 South East Today 1.45 Doctors 2.15 Diagnosis Murder 3.00 BBC News 3.05 Mister Maker 3.25 Arthur 3.40 Arthur 3.55 Uncle Max 4.05 Ed And Oucho’s Excellent Inventions 4.35 Jukebox Juniors 5.05 Newsround 5.15 The Weakest Link

6.00am Tikkabilla 6.30 Teletubbies 7.00 Something Special – Out And About 7.20 Mister Maker 7.40 Carrie And David’s Popshop 8.00 Arthur 8.15 Frankenstein’s Cat 8.25 What’s New Scooby Doo? 8.45 The Secret Show 9.00 Richard Hammond’s Blast Lab 9.30 Best Of Friends 10.00 The Sorcerer’s Apprentice 11.00 FILM: Darby O’Gill And The Little People (1959) 12.30pm Working Lunch 1.00 Castle In The Country 1.30 Car Booty 2.15 Heir Hunters 3.00 Murder, She Wrote 3.45 Flog It! 4.30 A Question Of Genius 5.15 Escape To The Country 6.00 Eggheads Dermot Murnaghan hosts this quiz show. 6.30 Great British Menu The country’s top chefs compete to cook a homecoming dinner for the forces. 7.00 The Apprentice Reality series. Another chance to catch yesterday’s gruelling task. 8.00 Coast The Coast experts explore the wild west coast of Ireland, from Galway Bay to the Fastneck Rock, Ireland’s most southerly point. Make sure they don’t fall off the edge! 9.00 Golf: The Masters 2009 Gary Lineker is in Augusta to host live coverage of the opening day of the 2009 Masters. South African Trevor Immelman will be beginning the defence of the crown that he won by three shots from Tiger Woods last year. Woods himself is likely to be the main focus of attention as he will be competing in his first major since the knee surgery that kept him out of the game for the best part of a year. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Wire Critically acclaimed drama series. Barksdale engages in an expensive game of one-upmanship with rival drug trafficker Proposition Joe. Freamon shows Prez and Sydnor how to trace Barksdale’s finances through front companies. Most importantly though – Omar’s back! 12.15am The Apprentice: You’re Fired 12.55 BBC News 4.00 GCSE Bitesize Revision: Science

6.00am GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 This Morning 11.25 ITV News And Weather 11.30 This Morning 12.30pm Loose Women 1.30 ITV Lunchtime News And Weather 2.00 Dickinson’s Real Deal 3.00 The Alan Titchmarsh Show 4.00 A Touch Of Frost 5.00 Taste The Nation

6.15am The Hoobs 6.40 Planet Cook 7.00 Freshly Squeezed 7.30 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.30 Frasier 9.00 Will And Grace 9.30 Will And Grace 10.00 Brothers And Sisters 10.50 Without A Trace 11.45 Small Railway Journeys 12.00pm News At Noon 12.30 Proud Parents 12.40 Back To You 1.10 FILM: The Vikings (1958) 3.25 Countdown 4.15 Deal Or No Deal 5.00 The Paul O’Grady Show

6.00 – 9.00am Children’s television 9.00 Roary The Racing Car 9.15 The Wright Stuff 10.45 Trisha Goddard 11.45 Monkey Life 12.15pm Monkey Life 12.45 Five News 12.55 Wordplay 1.45 Neighbours 2.15 Home And Away 2.50 Wordplay Plus 3.05 FILM: Mary Higgins Clark: Try To Remember (2004) 5.00 Five News With Natasha Kaplinsky 5.30 Neighbours

6.00 Meridian Tonight 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Mark is shaken when he realises that Faye has broken into Home Farm. He loves to hear that door bell. 8.00 The Bill Nate begins to realise the enormity of his new role as Safer Schools Officer when he is caught up in a drugs investigation. A teenager is taken to hospital after taking ecstasy, and one of his friends is implicated as the supplier. But the case is not as simple as that. 9.00 The Truth About Online Anorexia See highlights. 10.00 News At Ten; Weather 10.35 UEFA Cup Highlights Highlights of all of this evening’s UEFA Cup quarter-final, first-leg games. Manchester City take on Martin Jol’s Hamburg, while the other ties are PSG v Dynamo Kiev, Shakhtar Donetsk v Marseille and Werder Bremen v Udinese. 11.35 FILM: Deliverance (1972) Starring Burt Reynolds, Jon Voight, Ned Beatty, Ronny Cox. Powerful thriller in which four businessmen head into the back country of Georgia for a relaxing spot of canoeing, but soon find themselves fighting for their lives when they fall foul of a clan of dangerous backwoodsmen. 1.35am Nightwatch With Steve Scott 2.25 Loose Women 3.15 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV News

6.00 The Simpsons 6.30 Hollyoaks The day of the bike race has arrived. Ash tampers with Justin’s bike, but Hannah rides off on it and is flung off, landing unconscious near a distraught Justin. 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 The Political Slot 8.00 Willie’s Chocolate Revolution Chocolate enthusiast Willie HarcourtCooze attempts to introduce the nation to real chocolate, creating the world’s finest, purest chocolate bar. 9.00 The Millionaire And The Murder Mansion A closer look at the tragic case of the Foster family from Shropshire, who hit the headlines in August 2008 when father Christopher murdered his wife Jill and daughter Kirstie before committing suicide. With exclusive acess to the case and interviews with family and friends. 10.00 Around The World In 80 Trades See highlights. 11.05 Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA Gordon visits Casa Roma, a family-run Californian restaurant where the bar is popular but the food is not. 12.05am When Women Rule The World 1.05 Dubplate 1.30 Coming Up: Happy $lapz 2.00 Dispatches: Afghanistan - Mission Impossible? 2.55 Unreported World 3.25 Hill Street Blues 4.15 Time Team 5.05 Countdown 5.50 The Hoobs

6.00 Home And Away Charlie is surprised at her reaction to Joey and Hugo talking. Oh no. Girls with boys‘ names taking over Summer Bay. 6.30 Monkey Life Series following the residents of Dorset’s Monkey World Ape Rescue Centre. 7.00 Five News At 7 7.25 Mad For Dance Series of films exploring how dance helps people dealing with mental health issues. 7.30 Animal Rescue Squad Wildlife series with Michaela Strachan and Matt Baker. Two rescued sun bear orphans make the marathon trip from Cambodia to a new life in Kent. ‘Cos that’s their new natural habitat, like. 8.00 I Own Britain’s Best Home 2009 The search for Britain’s best home is on. So say the burglars. 9.00 The Mentalist Drama series. The murder of a teenage girl at a seaside resort leads to a close-knit group of young surfers and a powerful local businessman. 10.00 Law And Order: Criminal Intent Crime drama series. Goren pursues a serial killer who preys on beautiful women. No ugs. 11.00 Law And Order: Special Victims Unit Drama series. Benson and Stabler race against time to find the next victim of a serial paedophile. 12.00am Quiz Call 4.00 NBA Basketball 4.45 Wildlife SOS 5.10 Neighbours 5.35 Home And Away

6.00am Good Morning Sports Fans 6.30 Good Morning Sports Fans 7.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 8.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 9.00 FIFA Futbol Mundial 9.30 IRB World Rugby Sevens Series 12.30pm Boots ‘n’ All 1.30 LIVE International Cricket 4.00 LIVE International Cricket 6.00 LIVE National Rugby League 8.00 LIVE Super League 10.00 Time Of Our Lives 11.00 Barclays Premier League World 11.30 NFL: Total Access 12.30am Time Of Our Lives 1.30 Barclays Premier League World 2.00 LIVE Darts: Premier League 5.30 Barclays Premier League World

6.00 BBC News At Six 6.30 South East Today 7.00 The One Show 7.30 EastEnders Archie packs his bags, determined to leave the Square for good, but Phil has a terrifying plan in mind. Is it diabolical too? Go on! 8.00 My Family Sitcom about a dentist and his family. Janey desperately wants to keep her new man under wraps, while a suspicious Ben tries to expose an affair between Susan and a client. 8.30 DIY SOS Home renovation programme. 9.00 Panorama Special: Britain’s Homecare Scandal Old age may be inevitable but, as this investigation reveals, quality care for our parents and grandparents is not. Panorama goes undercover to expose a world of chaos, missed visits and outright neglect. Driving down costs has gotten out of control, with care suffering as a result. After they cared for us all the years, isn’t it our turn? 10.00 BBC News At Ten 10.25 South East Today 10.35 Golf: The Masters Live coverage of the Masters as the opening day at Augusta draws to a close. 12.30am Holiday Weatherview 12.35 Sign Zone: Panorama 1.05 Watchdog 1.35 Countryfile 2.35 MasterChef 3.35 Axe The Agent? 4.35 BBC News

Sky Sports 2 6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Powder Adventures 7.00 WWE Experience 8.00 Boots ‘n’ All 9.00 Total Rugby 9.30 High Five 10.00 Boots ‘n’ All 11.00 Fishing: Bass Fishing 12.00pm Powder Adventures 12.30 FIFA Futbol Mundial 1.00 Trans World Sport 2.00 IRB World Rugby Sevens Series 5.00 Race World 6.00 Powder Adventures 6.30 Barclays Premier League World 7.00 LIVE Darts: Premier League 10.30 National Rugby League 12.00am Golf Night 12.30 Super League 2.30 Trans World Sport 3.30 High Five 4.00 Barclays Premier League World 4.30 Powder Adventures 5.00 FIFA Futbol Mundial 5.30 High Five

Sky Sports 3 11.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 11.30 Racing News 12.00pm Watersports World 1.00 Poker: Million $ Cash Game 2.00 Powder Adventures 2.30 High Five 3.00 Watersports World 4.00 WWE Vintage Collection 5.00 NFL: Total Access 6.00 LIVE International Cricket 10.00 WWE Late Night Raw 12.00am Extreme Championship Wrestling 1.00 Rugby Club Special 4.00 Race World 5.00 Watersports World

Victoria Nangle

extraterrestrial Sky1








12.00pm Project Runway 1.00 Top Design 2.00 Bones 3.00 Cold Case 4.00 Malcolm In The Middle 4.30 The Lion Man 5.00 Bondi Vet 5.30 Futurama (x2) 6.30 Oops TV 7.00 The Simpsons (x4) 9.00 Bones 10.00 Cold Case 11.00 Law And Order 12.00am Road Wars 1.00 Ross Kemp On Gangs 1.50 Road Wars

7.00pm Freaky Eaters 8.00 Natalie Cassidy’s Real Britain 9.00 Young Mums’ Mansion: The Dads Arrive 10.00 EastEnders 10.30 Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps 11.00 Family Guy (x2) 11.45 Young Mums’ Mansion: The Dads Arrive 12.45am Natalie Cassidy’s Real Britain

7.00pm World News Today 7.40 The New Avengers 8.30 Wainwright Walks: Coast To Coast 9.00 The North-South Divide 10.00 Crooked House 10.30 I’ve Never Seen Star Wars 11.00 Newswipe With Charlie Brooker 11.30 The North-South Divide 12.30am I’ve Never Seen Star Wars 1.00 Newswipe

1.30pm The Jeremy Kyle Show (x2) 3.45 Loose Women 4.45 The Ricki Lake Show 5.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 6.10 Judge Judy 6.40 America’s Got Talent 8.00 Britain’s Got More Talent: Best & Worst 3 9.00 American Idol 10.00 The Justin Lee Collins Show 11.00 Supernatural 12.00am American Idol

12.05pm Heartbeat 1.15 Ballykissangel 2.20 Monarch Of The Glen 3.25 Cadfael 5.10 Goodnight Sweetheart 5.45 Heartbeat 6.50 Ballykissangel 8.00 The Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes 9.00 Numb3rs 10.00 Flashpoint 11.00 FILM: The Last Tycoon (1976) 1.30am The Return Of Sherlock Holmes

2.40pm One Tree Hill 3.30 Gilmore Girls 4.25 Hollyoaks 4.55 Friends (x2) 6.00 Scrubs (x2) 7.00 Hollyoaks 7.30 My Name Is Earl 7.55 Friends (x2) 9.00 My Name Is Earl 9.30 The Big Bang Theory 10.00 The Inbetweeners 10.35 Star Stories: Heather Mills 11.05 Reno 911 (x2) 12.05am Scrubs (x2) 1.05 My Name Is Earl

3.00pm A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4.00 How Clean Is Your House? (x2) 5.05 Relocation, Relocation 6.05 Deal Or No Deal 7.00 Grand Designs 8.00 News 8.30 The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 9.00 ER 10.00 Brothers And Sisters 11.00 Without A Trace 12.00am ER 1.00 Brothers And Sisters

12.00pm Maury (x2) 1.50 The Fix 2.00 Nothing To Declare 2.30 Passport Patrol 3.00 Grey’s Anatomy 4.00 Charmed (x2) 6.00 America’s Next Top Model 7.00 Home Video Heroes (x2) 8.00 Criminal Minds 9.00 Jade: With Love 10.00 Grey’s Anatomy 11.00 CSI (x2) 1.00am Criminal Minds 2.00 Extreme Makeover UK




Sci Fi

Sky Movies

Sky Movies



5.00pm Keeping Up Appearances 5.40 Seven Of One: One Man’s Meat 6.20 My Family 7.00 Last Of The Summer Wine (x2) 8.20 Steptoe And Son 9.00 Only Fools And Horses 10.05 One Foot In The Grave 10.45 Gimme Gimme Gimme 11.25 FILM: 50 First Dates (2004) 1.20am One Foot In The Grave

2.00pm The King Of Queens (x2) 3.00 Everybody Loves Raymond (x2) 4.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 5.00 Scrubs (x2) 6.00 Everybody Loves Raymond (x2) 7.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 8.00 Scrubs (x2) 9.00 Two And A Half Men (x2) 10.00 Scrubs 10.30 Sex And The City (x2) 11.35 South Park (x2) 12.35am Scrubs 1.05 South Park

2.30pm Unsolved Murders 3.00 Deadliest Catch 4.00 Time Team 5.00 Scrapheap Challenge 6.00 American Chopper 7.00 How Do They Do It? 7.30 How It’s Made 8.00 Born Survivor: Bear Grylls 9.00 Serial Killers 10.00 Crime Scene Forensics 11.00 Crime Scene Australia 12.00am Crime Scene USA (x2)

12.00pm Star Trek 1.00 Who Wants To Be A Superhero? 2.00 Star Trek 3.00 FILM: Ground Zero (2000) 5.00 Quantum Leap 6.00 3rd Rock From The Sun (x2) 7.00 FILM: Bone Eater (2007) 9.00 Sanctuary 10.00 FILM: Under Siege II: Dark Territory (1995) 12.00am FILM: Black Dawn (2005) 2.00 3rd Rock From The Sun

12.50pm The Movie Geek 1.20 Louisiana Purchase (1941) 3.00 Custer Of The West (1968) 5.30 Steptoe And Son Ride Again (1973) 7.15 Indiscreet (1958) 9.00 Anne Of The Thousand Days (1969) 11.25 Sweet Charity (1969) 1.50am I’ll Never Forget What’s ‘is Name (1969)

9.00am This Is My Father (1998) 11.00 The General (1998) 1.10pm The Last King Of Scotland (2006) 3.15 Days Of Glory (2005) 5.25 The Movie Geek 7.55 Youth Without Youth (2007) 10.00 The Diving Bell And The Butterfly (2007) 11.55 The Top 10 Show 12.10am Body Shots (1999)

1.00pm The North Star (1943) 3.05 The Scarlet Pimpernel (1934) 4.55 Once Upon A Time (1944) 6.40 Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997) No bus, no Keanu, just a great big boat that can’t leave cruise control. 9.00 Changing Lanes (2001) 10.55 Buffalo Soldiers (2001) 12.50am 9th Company (2005)

8.10am Tall Man Riding (1955) 9.40 Soldier In The Rain (1963) 11.20 Carson City (1952) 1.00pm Five Days One Summer (1983) 3.00 The Defector (1966) 5.00 Meet Me In St Louis (1944) 7.10 One Of Our Spies Is Missing (1966) 9.00 The Bounty (1984) 11.30 City Heat (1984) 1.25am The Bounty (1984)





1:12 PM

Page 1

friday 10 EastEnders BBC1, 8pm Lummy mummy! It’s happening tonight! Phil doles out his own brand of justice to Archie, while Lauren’s waiting with baited breath to find out what the legal kind of justice is going to say about whether she tried to kill dear old dad. And to top that, Patrick’s dark secrets all come tumbling out devastating Chelsea.

Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmare USA Channel 4, 9pm There are some problems that Gordo’ has worked through. Bad attitude, bad food, bad business – he shuts the restaurant and turns punters away for bad cockroaches. Not that there could be good ones. Even more problems follow at the Fiesta Sunrise restaurant in New York.

Top Of The Cops ITV3, 9pm Class copper Philip Glenister presents this countdown of the top 50 greatest detectives, as voted for by the ITV viewers. Talking heads include David ‘Poirot’ Jason, Helen ‘Jane Tennison’ Mirren, Robbie ‘Cracker’ Coltrane and Jill ‘The Gentle Touch’ Gascoine. Plus some writers and producers.






Channel 4


Sky Sports 1

6.00am Breakfast 9.00 Missing Live 9.45 Homes Under The Hammer 10.45 To Buy Or Not To Buy 11.30 Cash In The Attic 12.15pm Bargain Hunt 1.00 BBC News 1.15 South East Today 1.25 Keeping Up Appearances 1.55 Diagnosis Murder 2.40 FILM: Shall We Dance? (2004) 4.20 FILM: Chicken Run (2000) 5.40 Weakest Link: Dr Who Special

6.00 – 9.00am Children’s television 9.00 Richard Hammond’s Blast Lab 9.30 Best Of Friends 10.00 The Sorcerer’s Apprentice 11.00 Dangermouse 11.10 FILM: In Search Of The Castaways (1962) 12.45pm FILM: Seven Men From Now (1956) 2.00 Hallelujah! The Story Of Handel’s Messiah 3.00 Murder, She Wrote 3.45 Flog It! 4.30 A Question Of Genius 5.15 Escape To The Country

6.00am GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 No Place Like Home? 11.30 60 Minute Makeover 12.30pm Loose Women 1.30 ITV Lunchtime News And Weather 2.00 Agatha Christie’s Poirot 3.00 Foyle’s War 5.00 Taste The Nation

6.15am The Hoobs 6.40 Planet Cook 7.00 Freshly Squeezed 7.30 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.30 Frasier 9.00 Friends 9.30 Friends 10.00 Brothers And Sisters 10.50 Without A Trace 11.45 FILM: The Greatest Story Ever Told (1965) 3.25pm Countdown 4.15 Deal Or No Deal 5.00 The Paul O’Grady Show

6.00 – 9.00am Childdren’s television 9.00 Roary The Racing Car 9.15 The Wright Stuff 10.45 Trisha Goddard 11.45 Monkey Life 12.15pm Monkey Life 12.45 Wordplay 1.35 Neighbours 2.05 Home And Away 2.40 Wordplay Plus 2.50 FILM: Objective, Burma! (1945) 5.30 Neighbours

6.00am Trans World Sport 7.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 8.00 Barclays Premier League World 8.30 LIVE Super 14 Rugby Union 10.30 LIVE Super 14 Rugby Union 1.00pm LIVE Super League 3.00 LIVE Football League: Championship 5.30 LIVE Football League: Championship 8.00 LIVE Super League 10.00 Barclays Premier League Preview 10.30 Big League Weekend 12.00am Irish Football 2.00 Barclays Premier League Preview 2.30 Big League Weekend 4.00 Irish Football

6.30 BBC News 6.50 South East Today 7.00 The One Show 7.30 A Question Of Sport Sue Barker hosts the sports quiz. 8.00 EastEnders See highlights. 8.30 Wallace And Gromit: A Matter Of Loaf And Death Wallace and Gromit return to the small screen for a brand new adventure. The pair have opened a new bakery business, Top Bun, but local bakers are being targeted by a mysterious assassin. In case you missed it at Christmas. 9.00 Real Swiss Family Robinson Families leave their lives behind and sample life on a desert island. The Hunt family from Swindon who are used to a lavish lifestyle head off to The Cook Islands in the Pacific. 10.00 BBC News At Ten 10.10 South East Today 10.15 National Lottery EuroMillions Draw Carole Machin brings you this week’s Euromillions results. An Easter Weekend from work that keeps on going? 10.20 Golf: The Masters Gary Lineker introduces live coverage of the Masters from the iconic Augusta National Golf Club. 12.30am FILM: Girl From Rio (2003) 2.10 Weatherview 2.15 Sign Zone: Horizon: Why Can’t We Predict Earthquakes? 3.15 Timewatch – WWI Aces Falling 4.15 BBC News 5.00 Formula 1: The Australian Grand Prix

6.00 Eggheads Dermot Murnaghan hosts the quiz show. 6.30 Great British Menu The country’s top chefs compete to cook a homecoming dinner for the forces. 7.00 Chelsea Pensioners: Girls Allowed Documentary. 85-year-old anti-aircraft gunner Dorothy Hughes and 82-year-old warrant officer Winifred Phillips are the newcomers, but are the 320 old boys ready for such a dramatic change? 7.30 Mastermind The subjects are the battles of Coronel and the Falklands, British birds, Barbara Hepworth and Anglo-Saxon kings 871-1016. 8.00 Gardeners’ World Gardening magazine. 9.00 Golf: The Masters 2009 Gary Lineker presents live coverage from the second day of play of the Masters at the Augusta National. 10.15 FILM: The Others (2001) Starring Nicole Kidman, Fionnula Flanagan, Alakina Mann, James Bentley, Christopher Eccleston. Supernatural thriller, set at the end of WWII, about a devoutly religious mother who moves to a Jersey mansion with her ailing children to await the return of her soldier husband. 11.50 Later Live... With Jools Holland Repeat of Tuesday’s show. 12.55am Medium (x2) 2.20 FILM: Night Of The Demon (1957)

6.00 Meridian Tonight 6.15 ITV Evening News; Weather 6.30 You’ve Been Framed! Harry Hill marks the show’s 400th episode with more hilarious footage. 7.00 Emmerdale Nathan increases the pressure when he discovers that Mick is the poacher. 7.30 Coronation Street A suspicious Sally does not want Molly involved in the garage. Fiz contemplates a prison visit. Don’t do it, lady! 8.00 Airline It’s party time as easyJet marks its 10th anniversary. 8.30 Coronation Street Molly and Sally square up over Webster’s garage. Peter attempts to apologise to Michelle. He’s just a mess. 9.00 Doc Martin At the surgery, Martin may be losing his receptionist, as Pauline wants to go to university. And he’s having even less success with women in his personal life as the arrival of Louisa’s father stymies any chance of a reconciliation. Bother. 11.00 The Late News; Weather 11.15 FILM: De-Lovely (2004) Starring Kevin Kline, Ashley Judd, Jonathan Pryce, Kevin McNally and Sandra Nelson. Musical biopic of American composer Cole Porter. 1.30am FILM: Tremors 3: Back To Perfection (2001) 3.10 Nightwatch With Steve Scott: Emergency 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 The Simpsons 6.30 Hollyoaks With Hannah in bad shape at the hospital following the bike crash, Ste urges Justin to report Ash to the police. Not usually fans of the boys in blue, those two. 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 Unreported World Journalist Aidan Hartley reports from the Carribean country of Haiti, which finds itself locked in a cycle of environmental disaster, poverty and reliance on international aid. 8.00 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away Couple Mick and Linda search for the ideal retirement retreat in Snowdonia and the Cape Verde Islands. We want to retire too please. 9.00 Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA See highlights. 10.00 FILM: Wedding Crashers (2005) Starring Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Christopher Walken, Rachel McAdams, Isla Fisher. Romantic comedy. Two Washington divorce mediators and best friends specialise in the art of gatecrashing weddings to find one-night stands. 12.15am 4 Music: The Shockwaves Album Chart Show Clarkson. 12.45 JD Set Presents: Esser 1.00 4Play: Twisted Wheel 1.15 Late One Night 1.30 Rockfeedback 2.00 KOTV Classics 2.55 Grudge Match 3.10 Trans World Sport 4.05 Time Team 4.55 Countdown 5.50 The Hoobs

6.00 Home And Away Leah and Roman share another kiss. Sharing is what good soap actors do. 6.30 Monkey Life Baby chimp Rodders needs to have a tooth removed after sustaining an injury during a play session. Someone never lerant the ‘gentle’ rule. 7.00 Five News At 7 7.25 Mad For Dance Series of short films exploring how dance has played its part in the lives of people dealing with mental health issues. 7.30 Mobil 1 The Grid Motor sport action from the biggest racing series around the world. 8.00 Police Interceptors: Special Edition Documentary series profiling the work of a high-speed police interception unit in Essex. 9.00 NCIS US drama. The agents are investigated by the FBI on suspicion of murdering an arms dealer known as La Grenouille. Who calls their arms dealer ‘The Frog’? Honestly! 10.00 Numb3rs Detective drama series. When a pair of valuable sneakers is stolen from a diplomat, recovering the luxury footwear proves far more complex than the team expected. Scraping at plot barrels? 11.00 Criminal Minds Drama series. The team investigates the kidnapping a young girl. 12.00am Quiz Call 4.00 The Gadget Show 4.45 Wildlife SOS 5.10 Neighbours 5.35 Home And Away

Sky Sports 2 6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Powder Adventures 7.00 WWE Raw 9.00 High Five 9.30 Darts: Premier League 1.00pm Barclays Premier League World 1.30 Trans World Sport 2.30 Darts: Premier League 6.00 Volvo Ocean Race 6.30 Gillette World Sport 7.00 Tight Lines 8.00 LIVE Irish Football 10.00 Tight Lines 11.00 NFL: Total Access 12.00am Super League 2.00 Volvo Ocean Race 2.30 Gillette World Sport 3.00 NFL: Total Access 4.00 Super League

Sky Sports 3 6.00am Race World 7.00 FIFA Futbol Mundial 7.30 Aerobics: Oz Style 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 Netball 11.00 Aerobics: Oz Style 11.30 Racing News 12.00pm Football: UEFA Champions League 12.30 Football: UEFA Champions League 1.00 Football: UEFA Champions League 1.30 Football: UEFA Champions League 2.00 Racing News 3.00 Netball 5.00 WWE Raw 7.00 British Ice Hockey 9.30 Gillette World Sport 10.00 WWE Late Night Smackdown 12.00am WWE The Bottom Line 1.00 British Ice Hockey 3.30 Football: UEFA Champions League 4.00 Football: UEFA Champions League 4.30 Football: UEFA Champions League 5.00 Football: UEFA Champions League 5.30 Volvo Ocean Race

Victoria Nangle

extraterrestrial Sky1








10.50am Gladiators G Zone 11.00 Oops TV (x3) 12.30pm Futurama 1.00 FILM: George And The Dragon (2004) 2.45 Futurama 4.30 The Lion Man 5.00 Bondi Vet 5.30 Futurama 6.00 Oops TV (x2) 7.00 The Simpsons (x2) 8.00 FILM: Big (1988) 10.05 Road Wars 11.05 Night Cops 12.05am Road Wars

7.00pm Top Gear 8.05 Doctor Who (x2) 10.10 EastEnders 10.40 Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps 11.10 Family Guy (x20 11.55 Horne And Corden 12.25am Snog Marry Avoid? 12.55 Young Mums’ Mansion: The Dads Arrive 1.55 Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps 2.25 Horne And Corden

7.00pm The Creation By Haydn At The Barbican 9.00 Sissinghurst 9.30 Sissinghurst 10.00 How Britain Got The Gardening Bug 11.30 Mad Men 12.20am The New Avengers 1.10 How Britain Got The Gardening Bug 2.40 Sissinghurst 3.10 Sissinghurst 5.30 Close

11.00am Judge Judy (x2) 12.00pm Emmerdale 1.00 Coronation Street Family Album 1.30 The Jeremy Kyle Show (x2) 3.45 Loose Women 4.45 FILM: Robots (2005) 6.30 America’s Got Talent (x2) 9.00 American Idol 10.00 FILM: Gone In 60 Seconds (2000) 12.20am Coronation Street (x2) 1.20 The Justin Lee Collins Show

9.30am Kojak 10.35 Cadfael 12.15pm Inspector Morse 2.25 PD James: A Mind To Murder 4.40 The Return Of Sherlock Holmes 5.50 The Sweeney 6.55 Rosemary And Thyme 7.55 Agatha Christie’s Poirot 9.00 Top Of The Cops. See highlights. 12.10am Ruth Rendell’s Inspector Wexford 2.05 Flashpoint

12.50pm Scrubs (x2) 1.45 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 2.40 One Tree Hill 3.35 Gilmore Girls 4.25 Hollyoaks 5.00 Friends 5.30 Friends (x2) 6.30 Scrubs 7.00 Hollyoaks 7.30 My Name Is Earl 8.00 Friends (x2) 9.00 Supernanny 10.00 Wife Swap 11.05 FILM: Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003) 1.10am Scrubs (x2)

1.10pm Deal Or No Deal 2.00 FILM: Carry On Doctor (1967) 4.00 Come Dine With Me (x5) 6.50 A Million Pound Place In The Sun 7.55 Grand Designs 9.00 100 Greatest StandUps 1.00am The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 1.30 Deal Or No Deal 2.15 A Million Pound Place In The Sun 3.15 Close

12.00pm Maury (x2) 1.50 The Fix 2.00 Nothing To Declare 2.30 Passport Patrol 3.00 Grey’s Anatomy 4.00 Charmed (x2) 6.00 America’s Next Top Model 7.00 Home Video Heroes (x2) 8.00 Nothing To Declare (x2) 9.00 Criminal Minds 10.00 Boston Legal 11.00 CSI (x2) 1.00am Charmed 2.00 Criminal Minds




Sci Fi

Sky Movies

Sky Movies



4.50pm Morecambe And Wise 6.30 Wallace And Gromit: A Grand Day Out 7.00 Wallace And Gromit: The Wrong Trousers 7.40 Wallace And Gromit: A Close Shave 8.20 The Vicar Of Dibley 9.00 FILM: 50 First Dates (2004) 10.55 French And Saunders: Titanic Special 12.00am Steptoe And Son (x3)

9.00am Two And A Half Men (x24) 9.00pm South Park (x4) 11.00 The Sarah Silverman Programme 11.30 Dara O’Briain Live At The Theatre Royal 12.45am The Sarah Silverman Programme 1.15 Two And A Half Men (x10)

12.00pm World War II: The Complete History 1.00 The Day After D-Day 2.00 FILM: Patton (1970) 5.30 How Do They Do It? 6.00 American Chopper 7.00 How Do They Do It? 7.30 How It’s Made 8.00 Mythbusters 9.00 Treasure Quest 10.00 Storm Chasers 11.00 Crime Scene Australia 12.00am Crime Scene USA (x2)

11.00am Stingray (x2) 12.10pm Thunderbirds 1.15 Joe 90 (x2) 2.30 Stingray (x2) 3.40 Thunderbirds 4.50 Joe 90 (x2) 6.00 Final Days Of Planet Earth (x2) 9.40 FILM: Black Dawn (2005) 11.30 FILM: UKM: The Ultimate Killing Machine (2006) 1.20am Star Trek 2.20 Ghost Stories 3.00 Medium

1.10pm Touch Of Evil (1958) 3.05 The Greatest Show On Earth (1952) 5.40 The Seven Year Itch (1955) 7.25 The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951) 9.00 A Streetcar Named Desire (1951) 11.10 Scream And Scream Again (1970) 12.50am The Adventures Of Robin Hood (1938)

9.00am Tumbleweeds (1999) 10.45 Notes On A Scandal (2006) 12.20pm Away From Her (2006) 2.15 The Escapist (2001) 3.50 There Will Be Blood (2007) 6.35 Notes On A Scandal (2006) 8.10 Waitress (2007) 10.00 In Bruges (2008) 11.50 There Will Be Blood (2007) 2.30am The Movie Geek

1.00pm Jungle Book (1942) 3.05 Cheaper By The Dozen 2 (2005) 4.55 Great Expectations (1946) 7.15 Stormbreaker (2006) 9.00 The Shawshank Redemption (1994) 11.45 Ghost World (2000) Scarlett Johannson and Thora Birch are at that difficult age. 1.55am Live Flesh (1997)

8.30am The Stalking Moon (1969) 10.30 Mutiny On The Bounty (1935) 1.00pm Great Catherine (1968) 3.00 Stop The World: I Want To Get Off! (1966) 4.50 Classic Shorts 08 5.10 Ben-Hur (1959) 9.00 Batman Returns (1992) 11.15 Stealing Home (1988) 1.05am There Was A Crooked Man (1970) 3.20 Lost In America (1985)





1:47 PM

Page 1

saturday 11 Henry VIII: Mind Of A Tyrant Channel 4, 7pm Dr David Starkey presents a fourpart biography on the mind of Henry VIII, a pivotal figure in British history and not one of the leading lights in the marriage guidance service. In this opening episode, Starkey studies the events of Henry’s childhood which shaped his personality and attitude to kingship.

Britain’s Got Talent ITV1, 7.45pm Ant and Dec present a brand new series of the ‘talent‘ show where any act of any age gets the chance to impress the judges and potentially win a spot on this year’s Royal Variety Performance. Car crash telly to be watched if you are the sort of person that enjoys slowing down for a quick nose at car crashes. Oh dear.

West End Jungle BBC4, 10.20pm Banned when made in 1961, a documentary offering an insight into the seedy reality of the sex industry in Soho. Examining the effect of the introduction of the Street Offences Act in 1959, which until then had seen over 10,000 prostitutes line the streets of Soho with nothing more than a deterrent of a small fine.






Channel 4


Sky Sports 1

6.00am Breakfast 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Take On The Takeaway 12.00pm BBC News 12.10 Football Focus 1.00 FILM: Antz (1998) 2.20 FILM: Father Of The Bride (1991) 4.00 BBC News 4.15 South East Today 4.20 Final Score 5.10 FILM: Finding Nemo (2003)

6.00am Kid’s TV 7.15 Eliot Kid 7.25 Three Delivery 7.50 Wolverine And The X-Men 8.15 Sportsround 8.30 What’s New Scooby-Doo? 8.50 Frankenstein’s Cat 9.00 Who Wants To Be A Superhero? 9.55 Bernard 10.00 Dani’s House 10.30 Dani’s House 11.00 The Story Of Tracy Beaker 11.30 Young Dracula 12.00pm Kyle XY 12.45 SuperAgents 1.15 Sound 1.45 Revealed 2.00 Coast 2.10 The Sky At Night 2.30 Film 2009 With Jonathan Ross 3.00 FILM: Raise The Titanic (1980) 4.50 Natural World 5.40 Monty Halls’ Great Escape 6.40 Planet Earth Documentary series which celebrates our planet in all its glory, both its spectacular scenery and its captivating natural history. 7.40 Private Life Of An Easter Masterpiece Documentary examining the story of Caravaggio’s The Taking of Christ, which depicts the betrayal and arrest of Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane. The painting became one of the most celebrated masterpieces of its time, but two centuries later, it vanished without a trace, only to be rediscovered in 1990. 8.30 Golf: The Masters 2009 Gary Lineker presents live coverage of the third round of the Masters. South African Trevor Immelman was a rare wire-to-wire winner last year but such are the infamous challenges of the Augusta National course that none of the leaders will be allowing themselves to think of wearing the famous green jacket at this stage. Tiger Woods will be the centre of attention at his first big event since returning from knee surgery - the allconquering American has a special affection for the Masters, as it is the tournament that provided the first of his 14 major triumphs 12 years ago. 12.00am FILM: Hell In The Pacific 1.40 Mad Men 2.25 FILM: Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter... And Spring

6.00am GMTV 9.25 Horrid Henry 9.40 Supernormal 9.55 Tricky Quickies 10.00 FILM: The Adventures Of Brer Rabbit (2006) 11.20 ITV News And Weather 11.25 FILM: Home Alone 4 (2002) 1.05pm The World’s Got Talent 2.05 Midsomer Murders 3.35 FILM: From Russia With Love (1963) 5.45 Meridian News And Weather

6.15am The Hoobs 6.40 Planet Cook 7.05 Gillette World Sport 7.30 Lloyds TSB Insurance British F3 International Series 8.00 The Morning Line 8.55 One Tree Hill 9.50 Friends 10.20 Friends 10.55 Alesha Dixon’s Top 20 Bootyshakers 11.55 Shipwrecked 2009: Battle Of The Islands 1.00pm Scrubs 1.30 Scrubs 2.00 Channel 4 Racing 4.00 Come Dine With Me 4.30 Come Dine With Me 5.00 Come Dine With Me 5.30 Come Dine With Me

6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Big League Weekend 8.00 UEFA Champions League Weekly 8.30 Barclays Premier League Preview 9.00 Soccer AM 12.00pm LIVE Ford Football Special 3.00 Gillette Soccer Saturday 5.25 UEFA Champions League Weekly 5.55 LIVE European Rugby 8.25 Football First: Game Of The Day 10.15 Football First: Match Choice 11.45 Football First: Match Choice 1.15am Football First: Match Choice 2.45 Football First: Match Choice 4.15 Spanish Football 5.45 Sky Sports Classics

6.00 ITV News And Weather 6.15 Primeval The team are divided by two different threats - one from the past and one from the future. Cutter, Connor, Abby and Becker must return the sweet-looking but dangerous diictodons to the Permian era while dodging journalist Mick Harper, who is determined to expose the ARC and its secrets. Meanwhile, the others face an attack from Helen and her Cleaner Replicas. 7.15 New You’ve Been Framed! Harry Hill is back with the best of your funny camcorder and mobile phone clips. 7.45 Britain’s Got Talent See highlights. 9.15 The Colour Of Money Chris Tarrant and Millie Clode host the most stressful gameshow on TV. 10.15 ITV News And Weather Lucy Meacock presents the latest news headlines from around the world, plus a national weather forecast. 10.30 FILM: Cliffhanger (1993) Starring Sylvester Stallone.Outdoor action thriller in which a former mountain rescuer is pitted against a group of criminals who have lost their hundred million-dollar stash during a plane crash in the Rocky Mountains. 12.30am Six Degrees 1.20 FILM: Red Skies 2.45 Nightwatch With Steve Scott – Emergency 3.40 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 Come Dine With Me Paul’s boasted about his cooking skills all week and now has the chance to prove his worth. Can he steal victory from David? 6.30 Channel 4 News 7.00 Henry VIII: Mind Of A Tyrant See highlights. 8.00 What Sank The Mary Rose? A team of experts from the fields of shipbuilding, science, history and archaeology gather to work out what caused the Mary Rose to sink. Using a scaled down model of the ship, forensic scientists reconstruct the vessel’s last voyage until a tragic picture emerges of what happened during her final moments. 9.00 FILM: Little Miss Sunshine (2006) Oscar-winning ensemble comedy about a family who set off on a road trip in a dilapidated Volkswagen campervan to ensure that their daughter can enter a beauty pageant. With the van, an ailing grandfather and a suicidal uncle all struggling to last the distance, will they be able to make it to the contest in time? 11.00 FILM: Persepolis (2007) See film highlights. 12.50am FILM: The Machinist 2.40 The Real King Herod 3.40 The Middle Ages 4.10 Time Team 5.00 Countdown 5.45 Making It 5.50 The Hoobs

6.00am Kid’s TV 7.10 Franklin 7.40 Hana’s Helpline 7.55 Olivia 8.05 The Adventures Of Bottle Top Bill And His Best Friend Corky 8.20 Animal Families 8.40 Harry And His Bucket Full Of Dinosaurs 8.55 Roobarb And Custard Too 9.05 The Mr. Men Show 9.20 Rupert Bear 9.35 The Milkshake! Show 10.00 Mobil 1 The Grid 10.30 World’s Strongest Man: 30 Years Of Pain 11.30 Mean Machines 12.00pm The Gadget Show 1.00 Extreme Fishing With Robson Green 2.00 Oil Riggers 3.00 FILM: 55 Days At Peking (1963) 5.50 Five News 6.00 FILM: Random Hearts (1999) Starring Harrison Ford, Kristin Scott Thomas, Charles Dutton, Bonnie Hunt, Dennis Haysbert and Richard Jenkins. Romantic thriller about two married people brought together by tragedy, who embark on a quest to find out the truth about the partner they thought they knew. 8.10 NCIS The body of a missing marine is found in a frozen lake along with the bullet-ridden corpses of three other people, all bearing the same gang’s tattoo. Ducky and Gibbs investigate the link between the gang and the dead marine. 9.10 NCIS A Pentagon cryptographer is found dead amid suspicions that she may have committed suicide after leaking information. When it emerges that she was murdered, the team must find out who did it and why. 10.10 CSI: NY When the murder of a Ukrainian national leads the CSIs to uncover a brutal sex-trafficking ring. 11.10 Law And Order US crime drama. An up-and-coming rap star is in the frame for the slaying of a music producer. Southerlyn’s misgivings about the case put her at odds with McCoy and Branch, who insist on prosecuting the rapper even though his friend may be the guilty party. 12.10am Quiz Call 4.00 The Gadget Show 4.45 Wildlife SOS 5.10 House Doctor x2

6.45 Doctor Who A London bus takes a detour to an alien world, can the Doctor defeat the swarm? 7.45 Robin Hood The Sheriff turns the heat up on Robin and his gang by forcing the Abbot to accuse them of stealing from the church. Tuck’s attempt to clear Robin’s name ends with him being captured and tied to the rack. Will the gang free Tuck in time, while escaping execution themselves? 8.30 The National Lottery: 1 Vs 100 Ben Shephard hosts the quiz show. Plus Jenni Falconer is live from Lottery HQ with the Thunderball, Dream Number and Lotto Draws. 9.20 Casualty Jordan receives a diagnosis and throws himself into work, but has someone sussed him out? Well there’s only one way to find out. And to see who gets hot under the covers this week, oh doctors and nurses eh?! 10.10 BBC News 10.30 Match Of The Day All the goals and highlights from the day’s games in the Barclays Premier League. 11.50 FILM: The Hard Way (1991) Comedy about a pampered movie star who is desperate to land the lead role in a new police thriller. 1.35am Weatherview 1.40 BBC News

Sky Sports 2 6.00am Gillette World Sport 6.30 LIVE Super 14 Rugby Union 8.30 LIVE Super 14 Rugby Union 10.30 LIVE Super 14 Rugby Union 12.30pm LIVE European Rugby: Challenge Cup 3.00 LIVE European Rugby 6.00 Sports Unlimited 7.00 LIVE Spanish Football 9.00 LIVE Spanish Football 11.00 Motor Racing: A1 Grand Prix 12.30am UEFA Champions League Weekly 1.00 Spanish Football 2.30 Motor Racing: A1 Grand Prix 4.00 Max Power 5.00 Sports Unlimited

Sky Sports 3 6.00am Sports Unlimited 7.00 Tight Lines 8.00 Super League 10.00 WWE Smackdown 12.00pm WWE The Bottom Line 1.00 Max Power 2.00 LIVE Motor Racing: A1 Grand Prix 3.30 Max Power 4.30 High Five 5.00 WWE: Smackdown 7.00 WWE The Bottom Line 8.00 LIVE Greyhound Racing 10.00 Extreme Championship Wrestling 11.00 WWE Late Night Smackdown 1.00am WWE Late Night Bottom Line 2.00 Extreme Championship Wrestling 3.00 The Super 14 Show 5.00 Race World

Alison Swann

extraterrestrial Sky1








1.25pm FILM: Merlin: The Return (2000) 3.10 FILM: The Librarian: Quest For The Spear (2004) 5.00 The Simpsons (x4) 7.00 Futurama (x2) 8.00 Road Wars 9.00 Bones 10.00 Cold Case 11.00 24 12.00am Road Wars (x2) 1.50 Street Wars 2.40 The Villa 3.30 Caribbean Uncovered (x2)

7.00pm Snog Marry Avoid? 7.30 Top Gear 8.30 Doctor Who Confidential Easter Special 9.20 Live At The Apollo 10.10 FILM: Meet The Fockers (2004) 12.00am Family Guy (x2) 12.45 Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps 1.15 Snog Marry Avoid? 1.45 Young Mums’ Mansion: The Dads Arrive

7.00pm Jackie Stewart: The Flying Scot 8.30 Jazz Goes To College 9.20 1959: The Year That Changed Jazz 10.20 West End Jungle 11.15 Smokey Dives 12.15am 1959: The Year That Changed Jazz 1.15 Jackie Stewart: The Flying Scot 2.45 Smokey Dives 5.30 Close

2.30pm Britain’s Got More Talent: Best & Worst (x3) 5.30 Britain’s Got Talent The Final 7.15 Britain’s Got Talent - Result 7.45 Holiday Homes From Hell 8.45 Planet’s Funniest Animals 9.15 Britain’s Got More Talent 10.15 The Justin Lee Collins Show 11.15 Britain’s Got Talent 12.45am Britain’s Got More Talent

10.20am Inspector Morse 12.35pm The Sweeney 1.40 The Chinese Detective 2.45 The Return Of Sherlock Holmes 3.50 The Professionals 4.55 Starsky And Hutch 6.05 Wycliffe 7.10 A Touch Of Frost 9.15 Taggart 10.50 Spender 11.55 Cracker 1.00am Inspector Morse 2.40 Wycliffe 3.35 Surgical Spirit

8.30am Fresh Saturday 10.00 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip (x2) 11.00 Dark Angel (x2) 12.45pm Roswell (x2) 2.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 5.00 Friends (x2) 6.00 Scrubs (x2) 7.00 My Name Is Earl 7.30 The Big Bang Theory 7.55 Friends (x2) 9.00 The 100 Greatest Kids’ TV Shows 12.45am Scrubs (x2) 1.40 Dark Angel

9.00am A Place In The Sun 9.30 Time Team (x3) 12.40pm FILM: Doctor Dolittle (1967) 3.25 Grand Designs Revisited (x2) 5.45 Grand Designs (x3) 9.00 Big Chef Takes On Little Chef 10.00 FILM: The Passion Of The Christ (2004) 12.25am The West Wing 1.25 Grand Designs (x2) 3.35 Close

11.00am Will And Grace (x2) 12.00pm Charmed 1.00 Home Video Heroes (x2) 2.00 America’s Next Top Model 3.00 Will And Grace (x2) 4.00 Nothing To Declare (x8) 8.00 Passport Patrol (x2) 9.00 Ghost Whisperer 10.00 Eleventh Hour 11.00 CSI 12.00am Ghost Hunters International 1.00 Charmed




Sci Fi

Sky Movies

Sky Movies



8.10am Steptoe And Son (x2) 9.30 The Vicar Of Dibley (x6) 1.30pm Wallace And Gromit (x3) 3.25 Only Fools And Horses (x3) 8.00 FILM: Cool Runnings (1993) 10.00 The Vicar Of Dibley 10.55 French And Saunders Easter Special 11.50 Steptoe And Son (x3) 1.55am Close Up 2.05 Charlie’s Angels

9.00am Two And A Half Men (x26) 10.00pm Alan Carr: Tooth Fairy Live 11.10 Lee Evans: XL Tour 12.30am Two And A Half Men (x6) 3.30 Shortcuts Shuffle 3.40 The Nathan Caton Show (x2) 3.50 Two And A Half Men (x5)

6.00am How Do They Do It? (x4) 8.00 How It’s Made (x4) 10.00 Mythbusters (x3) 1.00pm Nextworld 2.00 World War II: The Complete History (x6) 8.00 The Day After D-Day 9.00 FILM: Patton (1970) 12.30am Crime Scene USA: Suburban Secrets 1.00 Crime Museum UK (x2) 2.00 Couples Who Kill

11.00am Stingray (x2) 12.10pm Thunderbirds 1.15 Joe 90 (x2) 2.30 Stingray (x2) 3.40 Thunderbirds 4.50 Joe 90 (x2) 6.00 Sanctuary 7.00 Haunted Homes 8.00 Eli Stone 9.00 Medium 10.00 FILM: Under Siege II: Dark Territory (1995) 12.00am FILM: Submerged (2005) 2.00 FILM: Mansquito (2005)

9.10am Holiday Inn (1942) 10.55 Steptoe And Son (1972) 12.35pm Splendor In The Grass (1961) 2.40 Daddy Long Legs (1955) 4.50 Operation Petticoat (1959) 6.55 Splendor In The Grass (1961) 9.00 The Birds (1963) 11.05 Love Story (1970) 12.50am Steptoe And Son (1972)

11.40am Paris, Je T’Aime (2006) 1.40pm The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford (2007) 4.20 Clerks II (2006) 6.00 Be Kind Rewind (2008) 7.45 Coen Brothers Special 8.00 Barton Fink (1991) 10.00 Fargo (1996) 11.45 Crash (1996) 1.30am Fargo (1996)

1.00pm Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997) 3.20 The Mark Of Zorro (1974) 4.50 Bride And Prejudice (2004) 7.10 My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002) 9.00 Kiss The Girls (1997) 11.15 Final Destination 3 (2006) 1.05am The Innocents (1961) 3.05 Close

7.45am The Stalking Moon (1969) 9.50 The Screening Room 10.20 The Shoes Of The Fisherman (1968) 1.05pm The Singing Nun (1966) 3.00 Gypsy (1962) 5.45 A Night At The Opera (1935) 7.20 Elvis On Tour (1972) 9.00 Batman Forever (1995) 11.20 The First Deadly Sin (1980) 1.30am O Lucky Man! (1973)





1:47 PM

Page 1

sunday 12 Messiah: The South Bank Show ITV, 10.40pm A film which takes a fresh look at Handel’s great oratorio through the performances of three very different choirs in Yorkshire – the Huddersfield Choral Society, Keighley Vocal Union and the gay and lesbian choir The Sacred Wing from Leeds. Rousing and very ‘Easter Sunday’ stuff.

Mamma Mia: Where Did It All Go Right? Channel 5, 10pm Light-hearted documentary examining the success of Mamma Mia, the film and stage production. The programme explores how the three women behind the film battled the might of Hollywood to make their dream a reality. Apparently a lot of booze was involved. Fantastic.

Performance: Suddenly Last Summer BBC4, 10pm 1990s remake of Tennessee Williams’s play about a Southern matriarch who wants a neurosurgeon to perform a lobotomy on her supposedly-mad niece, featuring the late Natasha Richardson, Rob Lowe and Maggie Smith. This is seen as the definitive interpretation.






Channel 4


Sky Sports 1

6.00am Breakfast 8.35 Match Of The Day 10.00 This Joyful Eastertide 11.00 Urbi Et Orbi 11.40 John Paul II 12.40pm BBC News 12.50 FILM: Camp Rock (2008) 2.20 EastEnders 4.15 Cash In The Attic 4.45 Wallace And Gromit: A Grand Day Out 5.10 My Family 5.40 Points Of View 5.55 Songs Of Praise

6.00am Tikkabilla 6.30 Teletubbies 7.00 ChuckleVision 7.15 ChuckleVision 7.25 Three Delivery 7.50 Bernard 8.00 The Legend Of Dick And Dom 8.30 M.I. High 9.00 Escape From Scorpion Island 10.00 Something For The Weekend 11.30 Great British Menu 12.00pm Animal Park 1.00 MotoGP Preview 1.30 FILM: Track Of The Cat (1954) 3.10 FILM: Big Jake (1971) 5.00 Orangutan Diary 5.55 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Earthquakes

6.00am GMTV 9.25 Captain Mack 9.40 Horrid Henry 9.55 Finger Tips 10.00 The Championship 11.00 Coronation Street Omnibus 1.15pm ITV News And Weather 1.20 Britain’s Got Talent 2.50 FILM: Groundhog Day (1993) 4.45 Meridian News And Weather 5.05 ITV News And Weather 5.20 FILM: Charlie And The Chocolate Factory (2005)

6.00am Kid’s TV 8.20 Animal Families 8.35 Harry And His Bucket Full Of Dinosaurs 8.50 Roobarb And Custard Too 9.05 The Mr. Men Show 9.20 Rupert Bear 9.35 The Milkshake! Show 10.00 Everybody Hates Chris 10.30 Everybody Hates Chris 11.00 Build A New Life In The Country: Was It Worth It? 12.00pm Rough Guide To... 12.20 FILM: Santa Fe (1951) 2.00 FILM: Joe Versus The Volcano (1990) 3.50 FILM: Atomic Train (1999)

6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Football First: Match Choice 8.00 Football First: Match Choice 9.30 Sunday Supplement 11.00 Goals On Sunday 12.45pm LIVE European Rugby 3.30 LIVE Ford Super Sunday 6.30 Super Sunday: The Last Word 7.00 LIVE Spanish Football 10.00 Ford Football Special 11.30 Super Sunday: The Last Word 12.00am Spanish Football 2.00 Ford Football Special 3.30 Super Sunday: The Last Word 4.00 Spanish Football

6.35 BBC News 6.50 South East Today 7.00 Countryfile The people and the stories at the heart of the British countryside. 8.00 Antiques Roadshow Fiona Bruce and the team look back to choose their favourite moments of series 31. Includes the moment when a one-pound bootsale buy went on to become the best investment in Roadshow history. 9.00 The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency Drama based on Alexander McCall Smith’s novels. Mma Makutsi investigates the behaviour of contestants in a local beauty pageant, while Mma Ramotswe has trouble solving the case of Nandira Patel’s mystery boyfriend. 10.00 BBC News 10.15 Match Of The Day 2 MOTD 2. 11.05 Damages Acclaimed American legal drama. Though Patty suspects a government conspiracy aimed at undermining her lawsuit against URN, her efforts to prove it fail to uncover any evidence. 11.45 FILM: Bounce (2000) Romantic drama about an advertising executive who falls in love with a young widow but fails to tell her he played a part in her husband’s death. 1.25am Weatherview 1.30 Sign Zone: The Planners Are Coming 2.00 Sign Zone: Holby City 3.00 Sign Zone: All The Small Things 4.00 BBC News

6.55 Golf: The Masters 2009 Gary Lineker hosts coverage as the 2009 Masters reaches its conclusion. Last year, Trevor Immelman enjoyed his maiden major success, becoming the first South African to win the Masters since the legendary Gary Player. Tiger Woods’ expected challenge wilted on the final day at Augusta last year but the American will be looking to make up for lost time in 2009, having missed much of last season because of knee surgery. Others hoping to be challenging over the final holes include Phil Mickelson and Ireland’s three-time major winner Padraig Harrington. 12.00am Yes We Can! The Lost Art Of Oratory The election of Barack Obama to the presidency of the United States has been propelled as much by his skill as an orator as by any other factor. From the silvertongued to the tongue-tied, this programme takes a look at the art and history of the political speech. Alan Yentob traces the awesome power of orators throughout history. What makes a good speech great? How much is content, how much is presentation? And has Obama brought eloquence back to 21stcentury politics for good? 1.10 Heroes 1.55 FILM: 3.20 BBC News 4.00 The Super League Show

7.30 Coronation Street David’s scheming leaves Joe frantic. Ken considers visiting the theatre. Kevin and Tyrone test their fitness levels. 8.00 Lewis When Lewis and Hathaway investigate the death of a young orphan, forensic evidence leads them to suspect there is a link with an old rock band on the verge of a comeback. Following a report of a disturbance of the peace, Lewis pays a visit to the mansion of rock legend Richie Maguire. There Lewis is shocked to see Esme Ford, an iconic singer who faked her own death 35 years ago. It seems Lewis’s favourite band are on the verge of a comeback - but Lewis is not the only person keen to see the band reform. 10.00 ITV News And Weather 10.10 Al Murray’s Multiple Personality Disorder Last in the series of Al Murray’s comedy show, with more hilarious sketches and characters. The PC PCs make a drugs bust, Schwull meets his match, and Prurient Dad carries out his duties as father of the bride. 10.40 Messiah: The South Bank Show See highlights 11.40 Crossing Jordan Crime drama. 12.35am The Big Tackle With Austin Healey 1.25 Nightwatch With Steve Scott 2.20 The Cosby Mysteries. 3.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 Early Morning News

6.15am The Hoobs 6.40 Planet Cook 7.00 The Highlander Challenge World Championship 7.55 Adrenaline Rush 8.25 Freesports On 4 8.50 T4 On The Beach: Buried Treasures 9.50 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.20pm Shipwrecked 2009: Battle Of The Islands 1.25 Friends 2.00 The Big Bang Theory 2.30 Friends 3.00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 4.00 The Simpsons 4.30 The Simpsons 5.00 Deal Or No Deal 5.45 FILM: Grease (1978) 7.45 Channel 4 News 8.00 Come Dine With Me Four amateur chefs from Blackpool take turns to stage their idea of the perfect meal. Competing for the cash prize are a removals man who is also a freemason, one of Blackpool’s most infamous drag queens, a picky restaurant manager and a Malaysian born hotelier. 9.00 The Secret Millionaire Series in which a millionaire goes undercover in a deprived area in the hope of changing someone’s life with a generous gift of their own hardearned money. Recruitment tycoon Jonathan Hick goes undercover in Sunderland to look for people who could use his help. After almost having his cover blown in the first week, Jonathan begins to establish ties with the people he meets, and finds his personal experiences coming to the fore when he discovers a mental health charity. 10.00 Chris Moyles’ Quiz Night Chris Moyles and three guests compete in a quiz.. 10.50 FILM: Blow (2001) See film highlights. 1.10am FILM: Last Days 3.00 The Real Jesus Christ 3.55 Time Team 4.50 Countdown 5.35 Inuk 5.50 The Hoobs

6.30 Five News 6.35 FILM: Lost In Space (1998) Fast and furious space adventure in which a dying Earth depends on one all-American family for its salvation. On their way to colonise a new world, the Robinsons run into some unexpected problems. Soon, they find themselves lost in space with little more than a psychotic villain and a variety of unwholesome aliens for company. Based on the 1960s television series, this film features some stunning visual effects. 9.00 The ABBA Years A documentary exploring the remarkable success of Abba featuring interviews with the bands members and fotage of tours and stage shows. 10.00 Mamma Mia: Where Did It All Go Right? See highlights. 11.05 FILM: ABBA: The Movie (1977) Starring ABBA , Robert Hughes, Tom Oliver and Bruce Barry. Tongue-in-cheek romp following the spangle-suited Swedish superstars on a hectic tour of Australia as they are pursued by a persistent disc jockey from Sydney. The narrative is punctuated by live footage of the band in concert. 12.50am The Great Ireland Run 1.30 Winter X Games 2.30 Boxing 3.20 Boxing USA 4.20 FIM Motocross 5.10 House Doctor x2

6.00am Gillette World Sport 6.30 Motor Racing: A1 Grand Prix 8.00 Spanish Football 9.30 High Five 10.00 Gillette World Sport 10.30 The Super 14 Show 12.30pm Wild Spirits 1.00 Sunday Supplement 2.30 UEFA Champions League Weekly 3.00 Gillette World Sport 3.30 LIVE European Rugby 6.00 High Five 6.30 Motor Racing: A1 Grand Prix 8.30 European Rugby Special 11.30 Motor Racing: A1 Grand Prix 1.30am European Rugby Special 4.30 Watersports World 5.30 Volvo Ocean Race

Sky Sports 2

Sky Sports 3 6.00am Watersports World 7.00 The Super 14 Show 9.00 WWE Afterburn 10.00 WWE Vintage Collection 11.00 Wild Spirits 11.30 Racing News 12.00pm Volvo Ocean Race 12.30 Max Power 1.30 LIVE Motor Racing: A1 Grand Prix 4.30 Volvo Ocean Race 5.00 WWE Experience 6.00 Watersports World 7.00 Squash: Canary Wharf Classic 8.00 Squash: Canary Wharf Classic 9.00 WWE Experience 10.00 WWE Late Night Afterburn 11.00 WWE Vintage Collection 12.00am Squash: Canary Wharf Classic 1.00 Squash: Canary Wharf Classic 2.00 Watersports World 3.00 Motor Racing: A1 Grand Prix 5.00 High Five 5.30 Wild Spirits

Alison Swann

extraterrestrial Sky1








12.00pm Oops TV (x2) 1.00 Malcolm In The Middle (x2) 2.00 FILM: Big (1988) 4.00 The Simpsons (x3) 5.30 Gladiators: Battle Of The Athletes 6.30 The Simpsons 7.00 Skellig 9.05 Lost 10.05 Fringe 11.15 Operation Taliban: Paratroop Elite 12.15am Night Cops 1.15 Road Wars (x2) 3.00 Street Wars

7.00pm Doctor Who 8.00 Doctor Who Confidential Easter Special 8.45 LIVE: MotoGP 2009: Round 1 Qatar 10.00 FILM: Catch Me If You Can (2002) 12.00am Two Pints: Comic Relief Special 12.45 Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps (x4) 2.45 Two Pints: Fags, Lads And Kebabs

7.00pm Cranford 8.00 Sacred Music 9.30 Wainwright Walks: Coast To Coast 10.00 Performance: Suddenly Last Summer 11.25 Newswipe With Charlie Brooker 11.55 The Car Show 12.55am Cranford 1.55 Sacred Music 3.25 Newswipe With Charlie Brooker 5.30 Close

2.50pm Britain’s Got More Talent 3.50 Jason Donovan: The Hot Desk 4.05 Coronation Street Omnibus 6.30 Britain’s Got Talent 8.00 Primeval 9.00 Supernatural 10.00 Coronation Street 10.30 Piers Morgan’s Life Stories: Katie Price 11.30 Celebrity Juice 12.00am FILM: The Grudge (2004)

9.40am Starsky And Hutch 10.50 Jason King 11.55 Wycliffe 1.00pm Randall And Hopkirk (Deceased) 2.00 The Chief 3.15 FILM: Columbo: Prescription Murder (1968) 5.20 Midsomer Murders 7.20 Cadfael 9.00 Top Of The Cops 12.10am A Touch Of Frost 2.05 Cracker 3.00 Murder Most Foul

11.05am How To Look Good Naked USA 11.35 Beauty And The Geek 12.30pm Kevin Hill 1.25 Ugly Betty 2.20 Ghost Whisperer 3.20 FILM: Doctor Dolittle (1998) 5.00 Friends (x2) 6.00 90210 7.00 One Tree Hill 7.55 Friends (x2) 9.00 Desperate Housewives (x2) 11.00 Dirty Sexy Money 12.00am Sex And The City (x2)

9.30am Scrapheap Challenge (x4) 1.45pm Location, Location, Location (x5) 4.35 Celebrity Come Dine With Me (x5) 7.30 Jamie At Home 8.00 River Cottage Spring 9.00 Big Chef Takes On Little Chef 10.00 Shroud Of Christ? 11.10 Father Ted 11.45 The IT Crowd 12.15am Curb Your Enthusiasm

12.00pm Charmed 1.00 Home Video Heroes (x2) 2.00 America’s Next Top Model (x4) 6.00 RSPCA Animal Rescue (x2) 7.00 Nothing To Declare (x2) 8.00 The Hoff: When Scott Came To Stay 9.00 CSI: Miami 10.00 Criminal Minds 11.00 CSI 12.00am Ghost Hunters International 1.00 Charmed




Sci Fi

Sky Movies

Sky Movies



7.30am Steptoe And Son (x2) 8.55 Only Fools And Horses (x3) 1.35pm FILM: Carry On Follow That Camel (1967) 3.20 FILM: Carry On Henry (1971) 5.00 FILM: Cool Runnings (1993) 7.00 The Vicar Of Dibley (x3) 10.25 Only Fools And Horses 12.10am FILM: The Cable Guy (1996) 2.10 Charlie’s Angels

9.00am Two And A Half Men (x21) 7.30pm Rules Of Engagement 8.00 Scrubs 8.30 The Office: An American Workplace 9.00 South Park (x2) 10.00 Grouchy Young Men 11.00 The Grumpy Guide To... 11.40 Two And A Half Men (x2) 12.40am Grouchy Young Men 1.40 The Grumpy Guide To...

10.00am How Do They Do It? (x2) 11.00 How Stuff’s Made (x2) 12.00pm Raging Nature (x3) 3.00 Storm Chasers (x4) 7.00 Against The Elements 8.00 Turin Shroud: The New Evidence 9.00 Biblical Mysteries Explained 10.00 Treasure Quest 11.00 Serial Killers 12.00am Crime Scene Australia

11.00am Stingray (x2) 12.10pm Thunderbirds 1.15 Joe 90 (x2) 2.30 Stingray (x2) 3.40 Thunderbirds 4.50 Joe 90 (x2) 6.00 Haunted Homes 7.00 Eli Stone 8.00 Sanctuary 9.00 FILM: Submerged (2005) 10.50 FILM: Out For A Kill (2003) 12.40am Star Trek 2.00 Eli Stone 3.00 Dead Like Me

8.20am Too Late The Hero (1970) 10.35 Alfie (1966) 12.35pm Custer Of The West (1968) 3.00 The Longest Day (1962) 6.00 The Top 10 Show 6.20 The Guns Of Navarone (1961) 9.00 Seven Days In May (1964) 11.00 The Longest Day (1962) 2.00am Too Late The Hero (1970)

11.35am Mumford (1999) 1.30pm Control (2007) 3.35 Into The Wild (2007) 6.05 The Savages (2007) 8.00 Raising Arizona (1987) 9.45 Coen Brothers Special 10.00 Blood Simple (1984) 11.40 Control (2007) 1.45am Into The Wild (2007) 4.15 Sky Movies Special 4.30 China’s Hollywood

1.00pm Stormbreaker (2006) 2.45 Tales From Earthsea (2007) 5.00 My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002) 6.50 Rat Race (2001) 9.00 Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan (2006) 10.45 Trainspotting (1996) 12.35am Once Upon A Time In The West (1968)

9.30am Springfield Rifle (1952) 11.10 Welcome To Hard Times (1967) 1.00pm Easter Parade (1948) 3.00 The Wizard Of Oz (1939) 4.55 How The West Was Won (1962) 7.35 Murder At The Gallop (1963) 9.00 Pretty In Pink (1986) 10.50 Arthur (1981) 12.40am Pretty In Pink (1986) 2.25 The Swarm (1978)





2:54 PM

Page 1

monday 13 Panorama BBC1, 8.30pm When the high street retail giant Woolworths closed down in January, 27,000 people found themselves out of work. The collapse of one of the country’s iconic high street names provided dramatic evidence that the UK was heading towards a recession. The programme explores what happened next.

The Secret Millionaire Channel 4, 10pm Recruitment tycoon Jonathan Hick goes undercover in Sunderland to look for people who could use his help. After almost having his cover blown, Jonathan begins to establish ties with the people he meets, and finds his personal experiences coming to the fore when he discovers a mental health charity.

The North-South Divide BBC4, 7pm Journalist John Harris travels around England to find out why the north-south divide is still an economic reality and if anything can be done to close it. Oasis v Blur, Manchester United v Chelsea, Old Labour v New Labour and pies v polenta. The light-hearted banter underpins some harsh realities.






Channel 4


Sky Sports 1

6.00am Breakfast 9.00 Lifegivers 9.45 Homes Under The Hammer 10.45 To Buy Or Not To Buy 11.30 Sun, Sea And Bargain Spotting 12.15pm Cash In The Attic 1.00 BBC News At One 1.15 South East Today 1.20 FILM: High School Musical 2 (2007) 3.05 FILM: Bedknobs And Broomsticks (1971) 5.00 Doctor Who

6.00am Kid’s TV 7.20 Mister Maker 7.40 Carrie And David’s Popshop 8.00 Arthur 8.15 Frankenstein’s Cat 8.25 What’s New Scooby-Doo? 8.45 The Secret Show 9.00 The Story Of Tracy Beaker 9.27 The Owl 9.30 Best Of Friends 10.00 The Sorcerer’s Apprentice 11.00 Dangermouse 11.20 FILM: Blackbeard’s Ghost (1968) 1.00pm MotoGP 2009: Round 1 – Qatar Highlights 2.15 Heir Hunters 3.00 Murder, She Wrote 3.45 Flog It! 4.30 A Question Of Genius 5.15 Escape To The Country

6.00am GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 No Place Like Home? 11.30 60 Minute Makeover 12.30pm Loose Women 1.30 ITV Lunchtime News And Weather 2.00 Foyle’s War 4.00 A Touch Of Frost 5.00 Taste The Nation

6.15am The Hoobs 6.40 Planet Cook 7.00 Freshly Squeezed 7.30 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.30 Frasier 9.00 Will And Grace 9.30 Lost And Found 10.00 T4 On The Beach: Buried Treasures 10.45 Friends 11.10 FILM: Thunderpants (2002) 12.50pm FILM: Close Encounters Of The Third Kind (1977) 3.25 Countdown 4.15 Deal Or No Deal 5.00 The Paul O’Grady Show

6.00 BBC News At Six 6.25 South East Today 6.30 In Search Of England’s Green And Pleasant Land Julia George follows writer HV Morton’s 1939 journey into the countryside, on a quest to discover if peace, tranquility and harmony can still be found in Kent and Sussex. 7.00 The One Show Stories from around the UK. 7.30 Watchdog Easter special Watchdog roadshow from the centre of Birmingham. 8.00 EastEnders Dot takes Dotty’s side when a war with the Jackson kids breaks out. 8.30 Panorama See highlights. 9.00 FILM: King Arthur (2004) Retelling of the Arthurian legend. 10.55 BBC News . 11.05 South East Today 11.10 Inside Sport Gabby Logan hosts interviews, films and opinion from the world of sport. 11.40 FILM: Raising Helen (2004) Comedy drama. After the sudden death of her sister, high-flying career woman Helen Harris becomes the guardian of her three children and must make some tough decisions. 1.30am Weatherview 1.35 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 2.35 Sign Zone: Real Swiss Family Robinson 3.35 Sign Zone: Building The Olympic Dream 4.35 BBC News

6.00 Eggheads Quiz. 6.30 Great British Menu The country’s top chefs compete to cook a homecoming dinner for the forces returning from Afghanistan. 7.00 Legends: The Motown Invasion Documentary revealing what made Motown special. 8.00 Railway Walks Julia Bradbury faces an epic walk, passing through the unruly territory of Scottish clans and Rob Roy. 8.30 Nigella Express Nigella Lawson prepares good food quickly. Well done her. 9.00 Heroes Drama series about people with superpowers. 9.45 The Hairy Bikers The boys ride again on the coast of Namibia. 10.00 Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle Stewart explores the difficulties of making jokes about religion. 10.30 Almost Famous Again Embarrassing clips of stars. 11.25 The Wire Critically acclaimed drama series about drug dealers in West Baltimore and the police investigating them. With a key witness in custody, McNulty and Daniels debate how to protect him in the months before he testifies. 12.20am BBC News 4.00 GCSE Bitesize Revision: Maths 1

6.00 Meridian Tonight 6.15 ITV Evening News And Weather 6.30 You’ve Been Framed! Funniest home videos. 7.00 Emmerdale Bob puts on a brave face as his empire falls. 7.30 Coronation Street Ken has a shocking confession for Martha. 8.00 Airline Luton Airport finds Peter Lidplay and his two daughters stranded overnight having missed a flight to Alicante. Ah, well. 8.30 Coronation Street Audrey is horrified by Ken’s secret cheating. A drunk Teresa causes havoc for Darryl. David conspires to cause Gary’s downfall. 9.00 Hell’s Kitchen Legendary chef Marco Pierre White returns for a brand new series. 10.00 News At Ten And Weather 10.15 Al Murray’s Multiple Personality Disorder Last in the series of Al Murray’s comedy show. 10.45 FILM: Jurassic Park III (2001) Further prehistoric adventures from the island of dinosaurs. 12.20am UEFA Champions League Weekly 12.50 Nightwatch With Steve Scott – Emergency 1.45 Loose Women 2.30 The Jeremy Kyle Show 3.25 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 The Simpsons When Bart gets Mrs Krabappel nominated for Teacher of the Year, the family heads to Orlando for the ceremony. 6.30 Hollyoaks Under questioning from Calvin, Ash admits that he didn’t see Justin tampering with his bike. 7.00 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 7.30 Henry VIII’s Lost Palaces: A Time Team Special Special edition of the archaeological series to mark the 500th anniversary of Henry VIII’s accession to the throne. 9.00 Henry VIII: Mind Of A Tyrant Dr David Starkey presents a four-part biography on the mind of Henry. 10.00 The Secret Millionaire See highlights. 11.05 Chris Moyles’ Quiz Night Chris Moyles and three guests compete in a quiz. 11.55 The Hospital Three-part documentary series examining the relationship between British teenagers and the NHS, as consultants, doctors, surgeons and midwives speak with candour about the problems faced when dealing with young patients. The first episode deals with binge-drinking. 12.55am Trophy Kids 1.55 FILM: Cobb 4.00 Tomb Of Christ 4.55 Time Team 5.45 Making It 5.50 The Hoobs

6.00am Kid’s TV 7.25 Chiro 7.30 The Mr. Men Show 7.45 Make Way For Noddy 8.00 Fifi And The Flowertots 8.15 Peppa Pig 8.20 Peppa Pig 8.25 Thomas & Friends 8.40 Pocoyo 8.50 Bert And Ernie’s Great Adventures 8.55 Play! 9.05 Roary The Racing Car 9.15 Michaela’s Zoo Babies 10.15 Monkey Life 10.45 Monkey Life 11.15 Extraordinary Animals 11.45 World’s Strongest Man 12.45pm Wordplay 1.35 Neighbours 2.05 Home And Away 2.40 Wordplay Plus 2.50 FILM: Chisum (1970) 5.00 Five News With Natasha Kaplinsky 5.30 Neighbours 6.00 Home And Away Miles and Kirsty reconcile. 6.30 Monkey Life It is a big day for one of the park’s naughtiest residents, chimpanzee Seamus. He is moving from the chimp nursery into the bachelor pad. 7.00 Five News At 7 7.30 Massive Speed Chris Barrie examines the evolution of machines designed for speed. 8.00 The Gadget Show Jason and Ortis try out the latest gadgets in a series of football-themed challenges. 9.00 Extreme Fishing With Robson Green Robson heads to Thailand to sample the delights of Bangkok’s famous fish market, before attempting to land the fast and feisty arapaima. 10.00 Extraordinary People: The World’s Heaviest Man Gets Married This edition revisits morbidly obese Mexican Manuel Uribe as he prepares for the biggest day of his life. 11.05 FILM: Get Carter (1971) See film highlights. 1.10am NBA 360 2.00 AMA Supercross 2.50 Arenacross 3.40 Motorsport Mundial 4.05 FIFA Club World Cup Semi-Final. 5.10 Neighbours 5.35 Home And Away

6.00am FIFA Futbol Mundial 6.30 UEFA Champions League Weekly 7.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 8.00 Good Morning Sports Fans 9.00 LIVE International Cricket 12.00pm LIVE Football League: League One 2.30 Gillette Soccer Special 5.15 LIVE Super League 7.30 LIVE Football League: League One 10.15 Time Of Our Lives 11.15 Soccer AM: The Best Bits 12.15am UEFA Champions League Weekly 12.45 Time Of Our Lives 1.45 Soccer AM: The Best Bits 2.45 Sports Unlimited 3.45 Watersports World 4.45 TBA 5.00 Max Power

Sky Sports 2 6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Adrenaline Adventures 7.00 WWE The Bottom Line 8.00 Spanish Football 10.00 Ford Football Special 11.30 Super Sunday: The Last Word 12.00pm LIVE International Cricket 5.30 ARCH Cricket Trophy 2009 6.30 Soccer AM: The Best Bits 7.30 Mobil 1 - The Grid 8.00 High Five 8.30 International Cricket 10.30 Poker 12.30am Super League 2.30 Poker 4.30 Soccer AM: The Best Bits 5.30 UEFA Champions League Weekly

Sky Sports 3 6.00am Close 7.00 High Five 7.30 Motor Racing: A1 Grand Prix 9.30 LIVE Tennis: ATP Masters 1.00pm LIVE Tennis: ATP Masters 5.30 WWE Raw 7.30 H2O Sports International 8.00 Tennis: ATP Masters 10.00 WWE Late Night Bottom Line 11.00 WWE Late Night Afterburn 12.00am Extreme Championship Wrestling 1.00 Live WWE Late Night Raw 4.00 Mobil 1 – The Grid 4.30 Wild Spirits 5.00 High Five 5.30 Adrenaline Adventures

Alison Swann

extraterrestrial Sky1








11.45am FILM: The Librarian (2006) 1.30pm Futurama: Welcome To The World Of Tomorrow 1.45 Futurama (x2) 5.15 FILM: The Librarian: The Curse Of The Judas Chalice (2008) 7.00 The Simpsons (x4) 9.00 24 10.00 Night Cops 11.00 UEFA Champions League Weekly 11.30 Road Wars 12.30am Oops TV

7.00pm Doctor Who 7.45 Robin Hood 8.30 FILM: Ice Princess (2005) 10.05 EastEnders 10.35 Heroes 11.20 Family Guy (x2) 12.05am Horne And Corden 12.35 Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps 1.05 Snog Marry Avoid? (x2) 2.05 Freaky Eaters 3.00 Horne And Corden

7.00pm The North-South Divide 8.00 The Jet Stream And Us 9.00 Rain 10.00 Spiral (x2) 11.40 FILM: 13 Tzameti (2005) 1.15am The Jet Stream And Us 2.15 Rain 3.15 The North-South Divide 5.30 Close

1.30pm The Jeremy Kyle Show (x2) 3.45 Loose Women 4.45 Vernon Kay: The Hot Desk 4.55 FILM: Junior (1994) 7.00 All Star Family Fortunes 7.45 Creature Comforts 8.00 Primeval 9.00 FILM: 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003) 11.10 Coronation Street (x2) 12.10am Jack Osbourne: Celebrity Adrenaline Junkie

7.05am The Chief 8.15 Kojak (x2) 10.20 FILM: Columbo: Prescription Murder (1968) 12.30pm Ruth Rendell’s Inspector Wexford 2.45 Top Of The Cops 5.50 Agatha Christie’s Poirot 7.00 Agatha Christie’s Marple 9.00 Taggart 10.35 Juliet Bravo 11.40 Liverpool One 12.45am Kavanagh QC (x2)

12.45pm Scrubs (X2) 1.45 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 2.35 One Tree Hill 3.30 Gilmore Girls 4.25 Hollyoaks 4.55 Friends (x2) 6.00 Scrubs (x2) 7.00 Hollyoaks 7.30 My Name Is Earl 8.00 Friends (X2) 9.00 90210 10.00 Samantha Who? 10.30 FILM: Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003) 12.35am Scrubs (x2)

10.15am FILM: Carry On Doctor (1967) 12.15pm 100 Greatest Family Films 3.20 FILM: Annie (1982) 5.50 100 Greatest Family Films 9.00 Big Chef Takes On Little Chef 10.00 Country House Rescue 11.10 The Princess And The Gangster 12.05am ER 1.20 Deal Or No Deal 2.10 Country House Rescue

7.00am Bewitched (x2) 8.00 Maury 8.55 The Fix 9.00 Grey’s Anatomy (x11) 8.00pm CSI 9.00 America’s Next Top Model 10.00 The Hoff: When Scott Came To Stay 11.00 CSI (x2) 1.00am Charmed 2.00 America’s Next Top Model 3.00 Missing 3.55 The Bachelor USA 4.40 Nothing To Declare 5.05 Passport Patrol




Sci Fi

Sky Movies

Sky Movies



11.00am FILM: Carry On Follow That Camel (1967) 12.45pm FILM: Carry On Henry (1971) 2.30 FILM: Carry On Matron (1972) 4.15 FILM: Carry On Up The Jungle (1970) 6.00 The Vicar Of Dibley (x2) 8.30 Only Fools And Horses 10.15 FILM: The Cable Guy (1996) 12.15am FILM: Carry On Matron (1972)

9.00am Two And A Half Men (x26) 10.00pm Rules Of Engagement 10.30 Sex And The City (x2) 11.40 South Park (x2) 12.40am Two And A Half Men (x2) 1.40 South Park 2.10 Shortcuts Shuffle 2.20 Two And A Half Men (x8)

10.00am World War II: The Complete History 11.00 Turin Shroud: The New Evidence 12.00pm Destroyed In Seconds (x10) 5.00 Storm Chasers (x4) 9.00 Mythbusters (x2) 11.00 Crime Scene Australia 12.00am Crime Scene USA (x2) 1.00 A Haunting 2.00 Couples Who Kill 3.00 Mythbusters

11.00am Stingray (x2) 12.10pm Thunderbirds 1.15 Joe 90 (x2) 2.30 Stingray (x2) 3.40 Thunderbirds 4.50 Joe 90 (x2) 6.00 FILM: The Sword Of Xanten (2004) Pt1 7.50 FILM: The Sword Of Xanten (2004) Pt2 9.40 FILM: Out For A Kill (2003) 11.30 FILM: Bone Eater (2007) 1.10am FILM: Thrill Seekers (1999)

9.40am Zorba The Greek (1964) 12.00pm Journey To The Far Side Of The Sun (1969) 1.45 True Grit (1969) 3.55 The King And I (1956) 6.10 The Sound Of Music (1965) 9.00 Zorba The Greek (1964) 11.25 Tell Them Willie Boy Is Here (1969) 1.05am Journey To The Far Side Of The Sun (1969)

10.45am The Good German (2005) 12.35pm The Darjeeling Limited (2007) 2.10 Breaking And Entering (2006) 4.10 Earth (1998) 6.00 Mulholland Drive (2001) 8.25 The Darjeeling Limited (2007) 10.00 Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas (1998) 12.05am Bringing Out The Dead (1999)

1.00pm Rat Race (2001) 3.10 Lassie (2005) 5.10 Just My Luck (2006) 7.10 Clueless (1995) 9.00 Planet Of The Apes (2001) 11.15 The Host (2006) 1.35am A Scanner Darkly (2006) 3.35 Close

9.30am Trial By Combat (1976) 11.15 Gunfight At Comanche Creek (1964) 1.00pm The Gumball Rally (1976) 3.00 An American In Paris (1951) 5.00 On The Town (1949) 6.35 The Elephant Man (1980) 9.00 Dangerous Liaisons (1988) 11.10 Rollover (1981) 1.25am Dangerous Liaisons (1988)



Latest 7: No. 418  

Konnichiwa Welcome to Madame Geisha the one spot, non-stop Night out to Remember

Latest 7: No. 418  

Konnichiwa Welcome to Madame Geisha the one spot, non-stop Night out to Remember