24 Downtown News
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November 7, 2016
ELECTION, 5 Proposition RRR: Saying city Prop RRR will reform the Department of Water and Power is like saying that having Luol Deng on the roster will reform the Lakers. If you don’t speak sports, it’s like saying that having the world’s 127th best actress (Selma Blair? Sienna Miller? Parker Posey?) in a lead role in your movie will make it an Oscar contender. In other words, neither Prop RRR, the actress, nor Deng will derail things, but if you want real change and success, there are about 126 better or more significant options. At one time real DWP reforms such as alterations in governance and oversight seemed possible, but after so much “negotiation,” we’re voting on RRR, a milquetoast measure that would do things like expand the department’s civilian commission from five to seven members. Yawn. Any Judicial Election: Here’s my greatest terrible idea tied to the judicial system: Give Sir Mix-a-Lot of “Baby Got Back” fame a black robe and a bailiff, and put him on the bench in a televised trial show à la “People’s Court.” Call it “The Truth and Nothing Butt” and let him rap verdicts and make copious derriere references. I can’t wait for my Emmy! The only worse idea is what happens now, which is that we the people vote for Superior Court judges. About 99.7% of us are utterly uninformed and unequipped to do this adequately, but due to silly democracy, we cast ballots on people we’ve never heard of running against people we’ve never heard of, with only a short phrase of a job title (e.g. attorney at law, gang homicide prosecutor, chief cuddle monster — OK, not that one) to guide us. Please, someone take this right away and let the knowledgeable bigwigs appoint judges. Proposition 56: If you’re against lung cancer, you’ll probably vote for the new $2 a pack tax on cigarettes. If you are Big Tobacco or its cousin, Little Vape, this state proposition (all the numbered items are state matters) is more frightening than the original Blair Witch Project, which is why you are dropping more than $60 million urging people to vote no. If you’re still smoking, why? Your breath stinks, and soon a pack will cost $19.
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Proposition 59: The Supreme Court’s Citizens United decision that opened too many squishy doors on campaign finance was lousy. Prop 59 would urge members of Congress to try to overturn this. Yes, urge. It wouldn’t change anything or set any law. Somehow, our electoral process has devolved to the point that, even if well-intentioned, we’re voting on something that would urge people to do something non-binding. What’s next? Do we vote on whether squirrels can get driver’s licenses? On whether State Assembly members should be urged to do the Macarena on Throwback Thursdays? On whether we should punch ourselves in the face after voting on another ridiculous election proposition? Proposition 60: Do you get to vote on what positions porn performers attempt, and whether they should be allowed to bonk in sets that resemble doctor’s offices, the governor’s mansion or a 22nd century boom-chicka-bow space station? No! Do you get to vote on whether they should wear condoms when doing this bonking? Thanks to the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, which pushed Prop 60, you do. A similar measure was approved in L.A. County four years ago, but it still seems illogical that regular folks are in charge of making laws affecting the shtupping industry. Isn’t this why we elect others? Proposition 64: The vote on whether small amounts of recreational pot should be allowed in California is almost certain to pass — people like their weed. The big question, though, is how the heck is the incredibly liberal Golden State two years behind the swing state of Colorado in legalizing cannabis?
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Proposition 67: In 1776, a coalition of 13 colonies declared independence from Great Britain. Over the centuries wars were fought and people died protecting our freedom and right to self-expression. Now, that history and California’s goofy initiative process has led to us considering one of two measures (along with Prop 65) concerning… plastic bags. Prop 67 is especially dumb, as it is pushed by the plastic bag industry and seeks to overturn a 2014 law banning the disposable items that clog rivers and gutters. Somehow, I don’t think that Patrick Henry ever said, “Give me the plastic CVS bag, or give me death!” regardie@downtownnews.com