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Aw, bite me. As a flabby member of the master (human) race, I say it’s time we fight back before the bots grow enough IQ points to unite and make us their slaves. Haven’t we all seen enough “Terminator” sequels to know where this dystopian madness is going? I spent much of my teen years obsessed with science fiction, devouring every robot tale I could lay my hands on. Ray Bradbury. Richard Matheson. Rod Serling … I especially loved the works of Isaac Asimov, who fathered the Three Laws of Robotics: 1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. 2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the first law. 3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the first or second law. I used to think of these laws as real until Siri, the cranky she-voice who came with my iPhone, tried to send me into a river after I asked her for some simple driving directions. I called Siri a couple of very vulgar names. “Ooh,” she replied in this disapproving tone. “There’s no need for that.” It’s a sad day when your phone starts treating you like you’re Harvey Weinstein.
Now I know the truth. These robots have never read Asimov and they’re NOT here to help. The other day my lovely wife, Sherry, and I actually considered buying one of those Roomba robot vacuum things that scuttle around your floors like oversized potato bugs. They’re supposedly so smart that they’ll go plug themselves in whenever they start jonesing for a hit of Avista. I wouldn’t get one now on a bet, and you know why? First time I turned my back on the little sucker I’d find myself discoing around the living room, minus a foot. Mamma Mia! Doug Clark is a Spokane native and lead singer/songwriter for his band, Trailer Park Girls. He recently retired from The Spokesman-Review after writing three columns a week for more than 30 years. Clark’s humor and general-interest commentaries have won scores of local, state and regional honors along with three awards from the National Society of Newspaper Columnists. Clark lives in Spokane with his lovely wife, Sherry. He is a graduate of Eastern Washington University and, most proudly, is the first person inducted into the Eddie Gaedel Society’s Hall of Fame headquartered at O’Doherty’s Irish Pub & Grill in downtown Spokane.
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509.533.5350 | spokanecda.com DECEMBER 2017 / spokanecda.com
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