BUZZKILL EPISODE 3: TOP TEN REASONS TO GET OFF OF GRINDR
Written by Kiki Prager
TEASER FADE IN: INT. BIRD PROFESSOR OFFICE - DAY Two POLICE MEN are gathering intel in the BIRD PROFESSOR’s office. One of them is on a LAPTOP and the other is watching on. POLICE OFFICER #1: Alright, time to find out the last person this oddball of an educator spoke to... POLICE OFFICER #2: Let’s see what this anonymous source has in store for us. The officers gather at the desk, open a file folder titled “BIRD CASE CLASSIFIED” and study the computer. POLICE OFFICER #1 zooms in on the photo. POLICE OFFICER #2: (CONT'D) What’s that? POLICE OFFICER #1: It looks like two dudes...on a date? POLICE OFFICER #2: Progressive. POLICE OFFICER #1: Could this mean our victim was in some sort of relationship prior to the murder? POLICE OFFICER #2: Or just a fling. My nephew likes to experiment and sometimes he uses this application called “Grindr.” Do a search for it, and we’ll find out. Police Officer #1 does a search in the folder for “Grindr.” Ten phone screenshots pop up. POLICE OFFICER #1: (looking hesitant) Interesting. (MORE) (CONTINUED)
2. CONTINUED:
POLICE OFFICER #1: (CONT'D) Ok, it says here that he’s matched with a man named “Adam McVay” POLICE OFFICER #2: Lemme see that.
POLICE OFFICER #2 reaches for the laptop. POLICE OFFICER #2: (CONT'D) It says here that he’s a student! At this very school! POLICE OFFICER #1 Our boss is going to eat this up. I just can’t believe it. The two officers race out to tell their boss the news. FADE OUT: TITLE SEQUENCE
3.
ACT ONE: FADE IN: INT. TODD’S OFFICE - DAY ADAM and TODD are hanging out in the office when TODD gets a notification on his PHONE. ADAM: What was that? Any exciting news? TODD: Only the most exciting. Tom Brady just broke the record for passing yards! ADAM: (disappointed by the news, sarcastic) Oh. Nothing more exciting than a cheater breaking a record! TODD: (shocked tone) What are you talking about? ADAM: I’m just not a big fan of Tom Brady. More of a Drew Brees typa guy myself. TODD: Drew Brees is a terrible quarterback. ADAM: (angry tone) Take that back right now. Drew Brees is the BEST quarterback. TODD: Wow, it really goes to show how much you know about sports. You know, if your opinions are this out of touch with other sports fans, you may want to consider writing for a different department.
(CONTINUED)
4. CONTINUED: ADAM: (furious) My opinions are JUST FINE. And don’t tell me what I do and don’t know about sports, it’s not like you have a star football player for an older brother. TODD: That may be so, but all I know is that no one complained about my articles when I was the sports columnist. If you start writing about how great Drew Brees is, people aren’t going to take you seriously. ADAM: So what, you’re just the king of football now? No one can live up to the job? I wouldn’t be surprised if the articles you wrote were just as trash as your QB picks. TODD: Oh, you dumb fraternity piece of shALEX BARGES into the office and attempts to break up the fight. ALEX: (interrupting Todd) Woah, woah, woah. Calm down you guys. I can hear the blaring testosterone from the other room. Once Alex sees that the boys have relaxed a bit, she SLAMS the door shut and returns to the office. CUT TO: INT. SCUTTLEBUTT OFFICE - DAY LEEROY enters the office with an enormous smile on his face. He HOPS into a WHEELY CHAIR and confidently ROLLS across the room, where everyone but ADAM and TODD are working. LEEROY: (announcing to the room) I’m back from my trip everyone!
(CONTINUED)
5. CONTINUED: EVELYN: Do you want an award or should I cue the “applause” sign? Leeroy takes in the atmosphere and instantly whips out a SAGE INCENSE STICK from his BACKPACK and LIGHTS it. LEEROY: Oof. Bad vibes in here. Before anything else, I’m sending this negative energy OUT. Leeroy waves the incense stick around dramatically. LEEROY: (CONT'D) I’m back and ready to get back into the action. I’ve decided that I’m going to take the lead on this investigation myself. EVELYN SCOFFS and rolls her eyes. LEEROY: (CONT'D) If anyone would like to join me, I’ll be in the corner, outlining the evidence and potential suspects. EVELYN: Oh, so now you wanna be involved? What?
LEEROY:
EVELYN: Guys, if you want to let someone who just took a “personal trip” lead your investigation, be my guest. If you want someone focused, dedicated, and PRESENT, I’ll be right here waiting to get to business. GEORGIA: Evelyn’s got a point. You have been A-wol and shit’s getting pretty heated. Not to mention, we could use some more female energy in the room. ALEX: (under her breath) Ain’t that the truth...
(CONTINUED)
6. CONTINUED: (2) GEORGIA: Step aside, hippie boy. EVELYN: Yeah, go back to your desk and meditate or something. LEEROY: (defeated and overpowered) Honestly, I just might. Leeroy returns to his desk, folds his legs into a yoga pose, and begins meditating. CUT TO: INT. SWEET TEA TABLE - DAY AVA is typing away on her PHONE with an anonymous source. The blurry photo from the opening scene of the BIRD PROFESSOR and ADAM on a date pops up on her screen. Shocked, she immediately opens a new tab and begins a new post on the Sweet Tea Blog. CUT TO: INT. SCUTTLEBUTT OFFICE - DAY ALYSSA walks between the desks, handing out CAKE POPS to anyone that will take them. ALYSSA: (sing-songy) Take one, take two, consider me for editor-and-chief, and there’s a cake pop for you! COLE: This sounds like a bribe... (beat) I’m into it. LEEROY: (reaching for a pop) Sugar heals the soul. Pass me one. EVELYN: I’ll take one too, but what is it exactly you’re campaigning here?
(CONTINUED)
7. CONTINUED: Alyssa throws COLE, LEEROY, and EVELYN a cake pop and then takes a deep breath. ALYSSA: All I can say is, with me as editorand-chief, you guys will actually be able to write and do what you want. I’ll be providing a whole lot more freedom than Todd over there Alyssa points to TODD’s office. Suddenly, REILLY POPS out from under her desk. REILLY: Wait, everyone come out here! I have an announcement! Todd and ADAM walk into the main office, clearly still not on good terms. ALYSSA: What could possibly be more important than cake pops? REILLY: A lot, actually. I’ve been working all day long and came across some pretty fascinating developments in the case. Such as?
ADAM:
REILLY: Well, last night I looked back over at the toxicology report and after doing some research this morning, I found out some more about Eduroam. Like what?
COLE:
REILLY: It’s an up-and-coming street drug. A mix of amphetamines and psychedelics, so it’s effects are stimulating and transient. TODD: Jeez. That sounds like quite a trip.
(CONTINUED)
8. CONTINUED: (2) REILLY: Oh, it sure is. LEEROY: Wait, how would you knALEX: (interrupting) Hold up. That doesn’t sound like a drug someone could overdose on. REILLY: That’s true. I’ve taken plenty and been fine! ALEX: I don’t know if plenty would leave you feeling “fine” either... REILLY: Was a good time, I’m not gonna lie. But we got to dig deeper into this. Georgia, do you think that you can go undercover to investigate my former drug dealer for Eduroam? GEORGIA: Oh, wow! I’d absolutely love to break out another one of my famous aliases! ALEX: (under breath) Not much of an alias if it’s famous. EVELYN: I’ll come with you Georgia. TODD: Guys, I don’t know how great of an idea this is. If you guys get killed while investigating the murder, I’m going to have a ridiculous amount of paperwork to fill out. GEORGIA: Nice to know where your concerns lie.
(CONTINUED)
9. CONTINUED: (3) EVELYN: (rolling eyes) Seriously. Where exactly would we be going, anyway? REILLY: From what I can remember, I copped some in a park last time. My dealer would sell from underneath the bridge by the golf course. EVELYN: Sounds sketchy enough. I’m in. FADE OUT.
10.
ACT TWO: FADE IN: INT. SCUTTLEBUTT OFFICE - DAY The office is quiet as everyone works at their respective desks. EVELYN jumps up and clears her throat. EVELYN: I need everyone’s attention. Now. LEEROY: What’s up Evelyn? REILLY: What is it? EVELYN: So, I’ve just been contacted by an anonymous source who sent me a photo...
And?
ALEX: (impatient)
EVELYN: It appears to be a picture of the professor on a date - it’s apparently the last time he was seen with someone. TODD: What source are you getting this information from? And are you sure it’s the bird professor in the photo? EVELYN: Positive. I’m gonna investigate further and write a blog post when I get to the bottom of this. From across the room, Adam sinks in his chair. Sweat begins to form on his neck and he tries to get a view of Evelyn’s phone. Evelyn returns to her desk when suddenly, a notification pops up on her phone. She receives a text from the anonymous source that Adam had matched with the Bird Professor on Grindr.
(CONTINUED)
11. CONTINUED: Shocked, she covers her mouth and tries to process the information before attempting to write an article on it. Evelyn begins TYPING away on her COMPUTER. She looks a bit guilty but seems determined to do her job. CUT TO: INT. SCUTTLEBUTT OFFICE - DAY Fifteen minutes later, ALYSSA finds AVA’s blog post and projects it on the wide screen for the group to see. ALYSSA: Looks like Ava beat us to it. REILLY: Adam, is that you? TODD: Kinda looks like him, doesn’t it? ALYSSA: How on earth did Ava get so ahead of us? Who is her source? Adam, now sweating profusely, BOLTS out of the room before the students continue asking further questions. EVELYN: Nice going, Alyssa. ALYSSA: Hey, I didn’t write the thing! TODD: You shared it, and I’m glad you did. Now we know who we should really be suspecting. GEORGIA: This makes things a lot more complicated. COLE: You can say that again. LEEROY: Everyone just take a deep breath!
(CONTINUED)
12. CONTINUED: REILLY: Everyone promise to keep this information within the newsroom for now. We don’t know anything for sure. TODD: All I know for sure is that phony of a football fan better watch his back. All still in shock, the team remains silent and continues working at their desks. CUT TO: INT. ALYSSA’S DESK - DAY Shortly after the commotion, ALYSSA begins to craft an online quiz at her desk. At first, she TYPES out a title reading “Who is the Professor’s Boyfriend?” but changes her mind soon after. Instead, she creates a poll with pictures of several attractive professors at their school with the title “Which Professor Would You Date?” ALYSSA: (to herself) Perfect. Alyssa smiles as she presses the “publish” button and slams her computer shut. CUT TO: INT. SCUTTLEBUTT OFFICE - DAY COLE stands up abruptly from his desk, wearing a black turtle neck and mom jeans. A LASER POINTER in hand, he begins to set up a PROJECTOR with a slideshow presentation. GEORGIA: (noticing the sudden room change) What is going on? COLE: Everyone, I’d appreciate if I could borrow your attention for an important announcement.
(CONTINUED)
13. CONTINUED: ALEX: (sarcastic tone) Please, we haven’t had enough of those today already. COLE: (ignoring Alex) I promise this will be worth it. Where’s Adam though? REILLY: He ran out after Alyssa exposed Ava’s article. ALYSSA: Technically I exposed Ava exposing Adam, so it’s a double exposure. LEEROY: What is this, a dark room photography lab? COLE: I’m gonna give him a call. Everyone needs to be here for this. Cole picks up his PHONE to call ADAM, but he’s already on his way into the room. Adam says nothing and PLOPS down at his desk. COLE: (CONT'D) Wonderful! Everyone’s here. Now, I’d like to introduce a development I’ve been working on. Cole clears his throat, turns off the lights, and clicks on his laser pointer. The projector screen displays a slideshow with screenshots of what appears to be a news application for the iPhone. COLE: (CONT'D) Times are changing, and it’s time the Scuttlebutt changed too. It’s about time we face the truth: almost everything is digital now, and paper is on its way out. Kids our age spend the majority of their time on their phones, not reading newspapers. Therefore, I introduce to you the Scuttlebutt Mobile App: a seamless application I’ve programmed myself to help broaden our paper’s influence.
(CONTINUED)
14. CONTINUED: (2) Cole changes the slide. The screen displays an array of features that the application includes, along with more screenshots. COLE: (CONT'D) As you can see here, the app includes unique features such as a news feed, personalized feed, comment section, and even room for advertising. Through this interactive platform, polls, and quizzes, we’ll now be able to garner feedback from our audience and implement changes based on what we hear. Cole moves onto the next slide. There are beautiful stills of the campus followed by an arrow that points the word “Scuttlebutt” to a map of the world. He traces the word to the map with his laser pointer. COLE: (CONT'D) (cheerfully) I’m extremely enthusiastic and confident that this is what’s going to put Scuttlebutt back on the map. Cole takes a bow, and the entire room applauses, including Adam. FADE TO BLACK. ROLL CREDITS