MSR Savvy Parent

MSR

PARENT MSR

2 Date or Not 2 Date: Is your preteen ready?

Saturday Night Fever:

Ballroom dancing like never before

P AThe R E NBig T

Brewski: National Homebrew Competition

The Real Deal About Divorce and Kids You can survive and thrive – and so will your children

Issue #1

Our pediatricians will see you now At Meridian Medical Group, our flexible scheduling allows you to be seen the same day you call.We offer same-day immunizations and physicals for school and sports. Even new pediatric patients can be seen the same day.

Meridian also offers remarkable medicine for the entire family by combining the specialties of pediatrics, family medicine and internal medicine in one office. You, your children and even your parents can receive outstanding medical care at one office.

Our pediatric services include: Complimentary “get acquainted” appointments Same-day physical exams Same-day sick appointments Same-day immunizations Convenient Location 11030 Golf Links Dr. Ste. 100 Charlotte, NC 28277 www.meridianmedicalnc.com 704-384-1166 Located just south of Interstate 485 – near the intersection of Providence and Ardrey Kell Roads

Meet our Pediatricians • Pictured Above, Left to Right Catalina Brockman, MD, John Ketron, MD, Pamela Johnson, MD, and Kimberly LeMaster, MD

presents

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DIGITAL MAGAZINE Sign up and each month you will be emailed the current digital publication which emulates the look and feel of the printed magazine! Enjoy a host of great features like animated page turning, keyword search, ad clicking, video commercials... and more!

– Sign up and see a sample at www.myschoolrocks.com

Check Us Out in September when we feature

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(704) 401-52

68

From the Publisher

I

t was 23 years ago when I met a girl who three years later became my wife. Now four children later, we just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. Our journey together has been wonderful, but not without bumps in the road. As many of you know, marriage should not be taken lightly.

It is a big commitment that shapes your life forever. Once you have children, your life takes another turn. Now you not only have to think about your spouse and yourself, but your precious children.

me, but these days there seem to be more issues—many related to technology—which our parents never had to deal with. As a parent you just need to stay up-to-date on what is happening in your child’s world. We hope to help you do that through MSR Savvy Parent, a special summer publication from the company that brings you My School Rocks!

Magazine.

In this debut issue, we cover preteen dating (p. 28); childhood anxiety (p. 24); sports leagues (p. 18); and social networking web sites on the internet (p. 31).

Let us know which topics would help you be better parents or issues that you struggle with.

Thanks for reading and enjoy your summer!

From the time your child/children are born, the worries and stresses begin and then get more complicated as the years go by: child safety devices, terrible 2s, potty training, school, birthday parties, cell phones, instant messaging, overnight camps, the Internet, dating and drivers licenses!

Michael Phillips – Publisher mphillips@kidzbizpublications.com

Raising children has never been easy, so my mother tells

Publisher: Michael Phillips

ex d n I l a i r o t i Ed 10 14

The Real Deal

Editor-in-Chief: Resa Goldberg

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Contributing Writers: Katya Lezin, Courtney McLaughlin, Karsen Price

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Financial Manager: Shari Sobolewski

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Account Executive Nicki Remley

Assistant Editor: Nikki Adkins

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Creative Director: Jay Owen

Copy Editor: Carrie Rabinowitz

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR: Please include your name, address and phone number. Letters may be edited for clarity and length. Send mail to MSR Savvy Parent, P.O. Box 78734, Charlotte, NC 28271-7040; fax 704-973-7863.

Copyright 2008 by Kidz Biz Publications, LLC. Printed in USA. MSR Savvy Parent is published by Kidz Biz Publications, LLC. Submissions are welcome, but the editor assumes no responsibility for the return of unsolicited material and may use them at his/her discretion.

We do not assume responsibility for statements made by advertisers or editorial contributors. Articles do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the publishers. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any way without written permission from the publisher. For more information or comments call: (704) 401-5268

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Ballroom Blitz

C

by Katya Lezin

armen Cousin, the 31year-old wife of NFL football player Terry Cousin, watched the first season of ABC’s hit TV show Dancing with the Stars while she was pregnant with her second child. She was mesmerized with the skill and beauty exhibited each week by the dancers and she and her husband both resolved to take lessons. “He was too busy with football,” she recalls, laughing, “so I finally just got tired of waiting and went in for lessons by myself.”

That was two years ago. Ms. Cousin has competed in five ballroom dancing competitions since then, beginning soon after she started taking lessons. It was the competitive aspect of the activity, in fact, that got her hooked. “I really enjoy learning and then mastering new steps and new techniques,” she says. “But what I really love is competing.” No doubt the awards she has racked up, including first place in the Bronze Level Rhythm Dances at the Heritage Competition in Asheville this past February, have added to her enjoyment.

The record-breaking audience for Dancing with the Stars is a testament to the growing popularity of ballroom dancing, with hundreds of thousands of Americans taking their fascination with it one step further and pursuing lessons for themselves.

In the United States, about 80 percent of ballroom

6

dancing participants are social/recreational dancers, while 20 percent are competitors in ballroom dancing.

Charlottean Angela Prince, a competitive amateur ballroom dancer and the National Public Relations Director for USA Dance (the national governing body for DanceSport in the United States) makes a point of referring to DanceSport members as athletes or competitors to emphasize the athletic demands of ballroom dancing. Tests have shown that, when performed at professional levels, ballroom dancing requires the same stamina and fitness level as running a marathon. “In fact,” Ms. Prince says, “ballroom dancing has every opportunity now to Carmen Cousin become a medal sport in the Olympics.” USA Dance is DanceSports’ official member on the U.S. Olympic Committee.

“Ballroom dancing is a great way to get in shape,” notes Ms. Cousin, “and stay in shape.” Adding to

its appeal is the fact that you can start at any age.

Dancing with the Stars has done a lot to dispel the notion that ballroom dancing is for the over 50 crowd. Ms. Prince notes with pride that she has placed preteen and youth couples on the wildly popular ABC program as well as on Oprah, The Maury Show, and Inside Edition. “There are very few sports,” she notes, “where you can start as a child and continue to compete in your 70s, 80s and even 90s.” Ms. Cousin represents the growing trend of adults in their 20s and 30s who are flocking to dance studios. And ballroom dancing has even become popular among teenagers. Dominique Wrenn used to dance as a child, but she gave it up to pursue swimming and other team sports and activities at her school. “But I went to a performance a few years ago,” she recalls, “and I remembered how much I loved it and I realized how much I missed it.”

Dominique, whose father, Sebastian Wrenn, owns A & E Ballroom in Charlotte– one of several Charlotte-area venues for ballroom dance instruction– now teaches a class for teenagers at her father’s studio. “They have watched Dancing with the Stars,” she reports, and they now want “to do what they do.”

Even pre-teens are getting into the swing of ballroom dancing. Alison, a fifth grader at Charlotte at Metrolina Regional Scholars Academy and Raahul, a sixth grader at Community House Middle School, have been dance partners for nearly three years.

This past year they have won Best Performance, Junior Couple at the North Carolina Dance Classic and were the Junior Standard Champions at the Heritage Classic Dancesport Championship in March. Just last month they won a chance to perform in the Carolina Opera production of Die Fledermaus.

Both Alison and Raahul have benefited from the children’s ballroom group classes given by the dance experts at Piper Glen Studio. “The dance professionals at Piper Glen have made the largest ongoing commitment to children’s ballroom dancing that I have ever encountered in my many years of dancing in studios in Wisconsin, New York and Charlotte,” explains Alison’s mom Cynthia.

The fact that children as young as five years old are taking ballroom dancing lessons comes as no surprise to Dimitrijus Sazinas, who started dancing when he was nine years old In his native Lithuania. “in Eastern Europe,” Mr. Sazinas explains, “ballroom dancing is a government-sponsored activity. It is very popular.” When Dimitrijus was 17 years old, he moved to the United States to pursue his studies, but he continued to dance and compete. He is, and has always been, a self-described “dance fanatic.” It is no wonder that he met his wife, Erica, when the two began dancing and competing together, garnering numerous awards and prizes along the way.

Dimitrijus and Erica Sazinas are the co-owners of Piper Glen Ballroom. The Sazinas are joined by two other professional instructors and one junior instructor and they offer private, group, and children’s classes at beginner, intermediate, advanced, and professional levels. These instructors are kept so busy with the growing interest in ballroom dancing in the Charlotte area that they are in the process of examining their space to accommodate more dancers and more lessons.

Fred Astaire Dance Studio opened in Charlotte in 1947; now there are at least 10 other dance studios in the Charlotte area. Despite the increased competition, business has really boomed. “Thanks to movies such as Shall We Dance and Dance With Me and Dancing With the Stars, of course, It’s cool to be a dancer again,” says Bryon Chandler, Dance Director at Fred Astaire. One of the ways that Fred Astaire has addressed the surging interest is by offering group lessons. Chandler explains that the company has traditionally focused on private lessons, but with college kids, parents with kids, and people with less disposable income in general, group lessons make more sense.

Queen City Ballroom has been open nearly 20 years, explains owner Dana Glandon. She points out that Queen City is still thriving for several reasons: a 6,000-square-foot ballroom on a floating hardwood floor; five-foot crystal chandeliers; world-class choreographers; and high-quality instructors such as the men’s World Pro-Am Champion, and the Junior Pro-Am Champion, who are 22 and 17 respectively, and who just happen to be brothers.

“The girls who come in love dancing with our younger instructors,” says Ms. Glandon. “In fact, five of our 12

8

instructors are under 21 and all are highly-qualified to teach all the different dances.”

Anyone who has caught even one episode of Dancing with the Stars knows that ballroom dancing does not consist of one simple dance style or technique. The types of dances are as varied as the people who now flock to studios like the Piper Glen Ballroom, Fred Astaire and Queen City Ballroom to learn them. There are two styles of ballroom dancing: American Style and International Style, and both styles have two categories of dance. American Style consists of Smooth (waltz; foxtrot; tango: and Viennese waltz) and Rhythm (rumba; cha cha; samba; mambo; swing; and bolero). International Style consists of Standard (waltz; foxtrot; tango; Viennese waltz; and quickstep) and Latin (rumba; cha cha; samba; jive; paso doble).

The good news, for those who find the array of dances and techniques involved intimidating, is that one can enjoy ballroom dancing and reap its benefits at any level. Mr. Wrenn, who also met his wife, Brigitte, while dancing, says he sees a lot more couples taking lessons. “We get a lot of engaged couples,” he notes, “who want to really wow everyone with their first dance at their wedding reception.”

Both Mr. Wrenn and Mr. Sazinas, who met their wives while dancing and still dance together to this day, encourage couples to continue dancing after the wedding night and throughout their marriage. “Instead of the husband heading off to play golf and the wife doing her own thing,” Mr. Wrenn points out, “ballroom dancing is something they can do together.” Even when done alone, it has a positive impact on one’s life because of the outlet it provides.

Ms. Cousin values the opportunity ballroom dancing provides her to express herself creatively and, as she puts it, “it’s a great stress reliever.”

“I just love everything about it,” Dominique Wrenn replies, when asked what she enjoys about ballroom dancing.

This sentiment is echoed by everyone who has flocked to Charlotte’s many ballroom dance studios to give it a try.

From the exercise of a rumba to the beauty of a waltz to the camaraderie of a group class to the gorgeous costumes, it is easy to see why ballroom dancing is so popular. “You are always improving, no matter what level you’re at,” Mr. Sazina explains. “Because ballroom dancing is not a destination, it’s a journey.”

Piper Glen Ballroom 6420 Rea Road at The Shops at Piper Glen Charlotte, NC 28277 (704) 541-1611 www.piperglenballroom.com At Piper Glen Ballroom, learning to dance is just one of the many benefits.

We offer the highest level of ballroom and Latin instruction for adults and children in both group and private lesson settings. We also sponsor many social events and dance parties. Piper Glen Ballroom is a great opportunity for fun and fitness. And no partners are required. Whether you are a beginner or advanced, social dancer or competitive, our team of international instructors will make your time fun and rewarding.

Queen City Ballroom 10403-I Park Road Charlotte, NC 28210 (704) 541-5400 www.queencityballroom.com Queen City Ballroom is Charlotte’s premiere ballroom. We offer private and group dance lessons with our talented nationally-ranked instructors seven days a week by appointment.

We specialize in Ballroom and Latin, but offer lessons in many other kinds of dance. We teach all ages and all experience levels, and your first private lesson is always complimentary.

Our beautiful ballroom, complete with floating wood floors and crystal chandeliers, is also available for weddings and special events.

Fred Astaire Dance Studio 2520 N. Sharon Amity Road Charlotte, NC 28205 (704) 536-6070 www.fredastairecharlotte.com Fred Astaire Dance Studio (FADS) Charlotte is part of a nationwide chain of Ballroom Dance Studios keeping training of staff, curriculum, and standards of instruction and service the highest. FADS Charlotte has been in continuous operation for more than 50 years in Charlotte and we have contributed greatly to the local dance community as well as developing close ties to charity and arts organizations. Whether it be for health, social aspects, preparing for a wedding, confidence or just a refresher, we at Fred Astaire Charlotte are glad to be a part of helping our customers reach their dancing goals!

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What’s all the

Brewhaha?

by Katya Lezin

A

surgeon cannot operate on a patient without years of medical school and training. An athlete cannot compete at the Olympics without tremendous dedication to his sport. And judges in the 18th Annual U.S. Open Homebrew Competition have to undergo a rigorous Beer Judge Certification Program (BJCP) in order to successfully identify by scent, sight, and palate the various ingredients that make up a top-quality, hand-crafted brew. It’s a tough job sipping all that beer and determining the winners, but someone’s got to do it!

On May 10th, amateur beer brewers from throughout the Carolinas had an opportunity to showcase their original brews at the 18th annual U.S. Open Homebrew Competition. The competition, held at Carolina Beer & Beverage in Mooresville, N.C., was hosted by the Carolina Brewmasters– a nonprofit club whose members are dedicated to the timehonored craft of beer brewing– and was sponsored

by Carolina Beer & Beverage and The Carolina Renaissance Festival. The competition was open to 27 nationally recognized beer categories. Prizes consisted of ribbons for each category, and all the winners were then

10 – MSR Savvy Parent

winnowed down to three Best of Show awards. In 2006, there were 100 entrants; in 2007, more than 400; and there were 333 this year.

Lisa Johnson, an analyst for an economic consulting firm, first started competing in 2006. She has won several ribbons and distinctions for her brews, but she says losing also has its rewards. Her score sheet for a beer she’d brewed that did poorly pointed out that the beer’s flavor was off due to having been fermented at too high a temperature. “At that point,” Ms. Johnson recalls, “I had no idea that temperature control was at all important, and that little piece of advice improved my beers tremendously.”

Anyone who has tried brewing beer at home knows it is far more involved than simply throwing some ingredients together in a bottle. With its complex collection of

a wide array of ingredients, beer is arguably a more diversely-flavored beverage than wine. Amateur brewers must carefully calculate the ratio of various malts, hops

Photos by Tom Henderson, www.TomHendersonPhotography.com

and yeast along with precision timing for boiling, cooling, fermenting, and storage. As Ms. Johnson learned, even a slight variation in any one of the many ingredients and steps in the brewing process can seriously alter the beer’s flavor and, in turn, impact which category the beer qualifies for at the judges’ table (ale, stout, etc.).

Ms. Johnson loves the entire process of brewing beer, its very complexity adding to the enjoyment she derives from it. “It can be as difficult as you want it to be,” she explains. “Some days I might

even add things to the water to make it harder or softer depending on the style of beer I’m brewing.” Or she might add some dandelions, which “add a delightful bitterness without the harshness of some of the stronger hops.”

Ms. Johnson’s favorite part of the process is the fermentation. She loves to watch the yeast, which is “more a living organism than an ingredient,” churning away in the big bottle, creating “a big foamy head.” Her least favorite part of beer brewing? The clean up.

“Brewing does involve cleaning a lot of stuff,” she notes, “and that part isn’t so fun, but the results are always worth it.”

One of the most coveted prizes of all at the U.S. Open Homebrew Competition is the Gambrinus Cup, which is awarded each year to a new category of beer. This year’s category for the Gambrinus Cup was English Pale Ale. The winning brewer, Bruno Wichnoski, received a hand-crafted cup made by

Bruno’s Special Bitter Recipe: Bruno Wichnoski, winner of the Gambrinus Cup at this year’s U.S. Open Homebrew Competition, was kind enough to share his champion recipe for Bruno’s Special Bitter. If you’re a beer lover, give it a shot.

The recipe was designed for a tengallon batch of beer. The following grains, hops and yeast were used: Grains: 14# Maris Otter pale malt 1/2# Crystal 60L 1/4# Crystal 120L 1/2# Aromatic malt 1/4# Special Roast malt In the process of brewing, the grains are cracked open and added with hot water into a mash tun. The mash tun is a big pot with a perforated bottom and spigot.

(The water should be added at 170 degrees which settles to approximately 158 degrees when the cracked grains are added. This process activates enzymes in the grain which in turn converts the starch from the grains into sugar.)

This sweet sugar solution, now called wort, is

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drained from the mash tun and directed into a brew kettle. The wort will then be brought to boiling which then begins the hop additions.

The Maris Otter, a British malt, is the base of the recipe. The Crystal grains add color, caramel flavor and sweetness. The Aromatic and Special Roast grains enhance the malt aroma.

Hops: 1.75 oz Goldings 60 minutes .25 oz Willamette 30 minutes .25 oz Goldings 30 minutes 1.00 oz Goldings 1 minute

an artisan at the Renaissance Festival and his winning recipe will be brewed on a commercial scale at Carolina Beer and Beverage in Mooresville and then offered to the public at the 2008 Carolina Renaissance Festival. If you’d like to try Bruno’s winning English Pale Ale, visit the Renaissance Festival weekends October 4th through November 16th or try making it yourself. (See the recipe on sidebar.)

For more information about: Carolina Beer & Beverage, www.carolinablonde.com; Carolina Renaissance Festival, www.royalfaires.com/carolina; Carolina Brewmasters, www.carolinabrewmasters.com.

The wort will be boiled for 60 minutes. The hops are added to the boiling wort at the intervals noted above; the full 60 minute addition bitters the beer to offset the sweetness from the malt. The hops added at 30 minutes left add some bitterness and flavor while the very last hops addition, with 1 minute left, adds hop aroma. The Golding hops are the British Columbia variety and the Willamette is a U.S. variety hops.

Yeast: WLP-002 English Ale After the wort is boiled, it is cooled and transferred to a fermentor where the yeast is pitched (added/poured into the fermentor). Yeast works by eating the sugars and converting it to carbon dioxide and alcohol.

This yeast is one of the classic strains used for English bitters which leaves the beer very clear with some residual sweetness.

Measuring (with a hydrometer) the sugar content before and after fermenting will give you the alcohol content. The original specific gravity was 1.062; the final gravity was 1.016 for a 4.73% alcohol by weight.

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Line Screen:

The Real Deal About

Divorce

& the Kids

by Resa Goldberg

Y

ou probably hadn’t heard of Tricia Walsh-Smith before her April YouTube debut, or perhaps, debacle is more apropos. She did star in the 1978 cult hit Terror and hundreds of commercials and wrote the plays Bonkers, The Thong and Addictions. But her shameless diatribe against her husband Philip, head of the Shubert Organization—the largest theater owner on Broadway—is

14

what finally put her name in the limelight at age 49. In it, she covered her imminent ousting from her luxury apartment in New York, her prenuptial agreement, and her lack of sex life. Besides the obvious damage to her case, the real losers are Philip’s daughters and all of the children who have been unfortunate enough to catch her video.

example, following an initial separation between parents of minor children, the kids will have to experience living in two places; may have to attend a new school; deal with a loss of predictable family structure; and navigate the unfamiliar waters of parents dating and/or remarrying, step-parents, step-siblings, and perhaps even half-siblings.

Children of divorcing parents have enough to deal with even under the very best of circumstances. For

Yet even though the family structure has changed, it doesn’t have to be the end of the family.

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Resources: Podcast: The Divorce 101 Show hosted by Carolyn Ellis www.divorce101show.com Radio: NC Divorce Talk Radio LIVE (919) 256-1552 Chat room: www.betterdivorce.com/chatrooms.shtml: Talk with others who are contemplating or going through a divorce.

Web sites: www.stayhappilymarried.com: This site features articles, podcasts, events, tips, marriage counselors and other tools needed to create a happy lasting relationship www.divorcemag.com: Offers advice about divorce lawyers, up-todate divorce news, links to other divorce sites, as well information related to all aspects of divorce law by state. www.womansdivorce.com: Covers separation to divorce and children to starting over with downloadable documents. www.childrenanddivorce.com: Includes information on the best parenting plan, the responsiblities of parents and printable resources.

Constance Ahrons, Ph.D., author of The Good Divorce takes a practical view that might help divorcing parents put it all in perspective. “Although divorce changes the structure of the family from nuclear to binuclear, families continue to do pretty much the same things they always have and care for and socialize children, form close personal bonds, and take care of their members’ financial needs.”

While most experts agree that nearly one million children see their parents divorce each year, there isn’t a definitive answer for how divorce will affect your child. Many children seem to suffer no ill effects, while others can’t shake the insecurity, sadness or anger that accompanies bitter divorces.

Gary Neuman, creator of the nationally recognized Sandcastles program for children of divorce, has said that it’s the conflict between parents, not the actual divorce, that puts children at risk.

“Even after divorce, children can still have the very best that both parents have to offer,” explained Neuman when he was a guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show earlier this year.

In order to accomplish that, both parents must be willing to put their child’s interests above their own (a very difficult task when your soon-to-be-ex just insulted your cooking and rallied the boys for burgers in one fell swoop.) So, many more couples in recent years are utilizing mediators, often attorneys, whose job is to preserve or improve relationships within families during separation and divorce proceedings. Mediators are not marriage counselors.

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Marshall Karro, a Charlotte mediator and lawyer with Karro, Sellers and Langson in Charlotte, describes some of the common situations that he is asked to mediate. One scenario Proud Leaders in Divorce: 4.2 he sees “more frequent: A US The Swiss Statistics Administration has ly than I would compiled information showing U.S. like” is where a divorce rates at significantly higher stay-at-home mom levels than the European Union. becomes overly protective and possessive 3 m: Numbers represent of the children and tries to elgiu B divorces per 1,000 marginalize their father’s role in their inhabitants. life. She may feel rejected, angry 2.6 Germany: and/or resentful and want to take it out on her husband, but that isn’t UK: 2.6 good for the kids. Parents who trash Aust each other in front of their children or Sw ria: 2 i .3 who simply can’t talk on the phone about EU tzerla nd: 15 scheduling their visits without arguing 2 :1 .2 aren’t thinking about the children either. .9

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One very recent case that Karro mediated provides a dramatic example of the high cost of litigating issues such as child custody, alimony and child support. He originally worked with the couple, who

have two children now eight and nine years old, in 2006, but ultimately the settlement documents were never signed by the husband. They proceeded to take it to court this year. In the intervening twoyear period, one side generated $92,000 in attorney fees; the other more than $40,000, says Karro. The marital estate was less than half a million dollars.

The final settlement ruling, handed down by the judge in mid-May, was higher than that which was negotiated at mediation.

“The husband recognized that he should have followed through on the settlement two years ago,” says Karro. “It took us seven hours to settle all issues, but it’s done now and their divorce is pending and should be final this year. Both lawyers described the couples’ relationship as ‘toxic’ and that this was the ‘case from hell.’”

“It is very possible to counteract some of the negative effects that situations like these might have on the children if the divorce is approached in a more civil and respectful way,” explains Karro, “My job, as a mediator, is to help couples figure out healthier ways of disengaging from the adversarial, combative approach that always tends to bring out the worst in people and typically destroys any good faith remaining between people who are also parents.”

In an ideal world, of course, there would not be any unhappy marriages (which also is not a good environment for children.) Yet today one out of every two marriages ends in divorce. (One reason divorces began to rise in the 60s and 70s was the fact that 32 states, including North Carolina, implemented “nofault divorces,” (divorces in which neither husband nor wife needs to prove the cause of dissolution of marriage.) So, if the marriage is indeed irreconcilable, the next best ideal is for parents to try to reduce the impact that a divorce is likely to have on the children.

To begin with, parents will need to tell their children about the separation and/or divorce, preferably together in a calm, quiet setting. Unbelievably, about 80 percent of children find out the wrong way about their parents’ divorce–-listening at doors, overhearing arguments or with only one parent present, says Neuman.

The Lucy Daniels Center, a nonprofit organization in Cary, N.C. that promotes the healthy emotional well-being of children and their families, suggests four steps to take when preparing your children for a divorce: 1) Through words and action, help

U.S. Top 20 Divorce States your children understand that you will never stop loving them or leave them; 2) Give your children a protected “space” within which to assimilate the changes in their lives; 3) Explain to your children that they have not caused the divorce; 4) Value your continuing parental relationship and your child’s relationship with each parent. Successful development requires that a child sees his or her parents as powerful and wise (even more so than they really are) and then to come gradually to see their human flaws and limitations. The child is automatically placed in an irreconcilable conflict if one beloved parent thinks poorly of the other parent.

Even after divorce proceedings have begun, children will continue to need constant reassurance and open lines of communication. Here are a few strategies employed by Gary Neuman during his Sandcastles workshops, which are actually mandated by family courts in more than a dozen cities nationwide before divorces can be finalized: • Don’t ask your kids to choose sides. They will always feel tremendous anxiety to please both parents.

• Don’t say bad things about your ex. When you criticize your ex, your child feels you are criticizing him/her.

• T alk to your child about his or her feelings.

If your child feels rejected by one parent, help him/her understand it’s not his/her fault.

• Act like a parent. Let your children know you and your ex will make decisions about them.

• Admit your mistakes. Then make a commitment to do better.

Everyone has probably read an article or a study citing the dire straits children of divorce will drown in. Read them with the realization that the parents involved may not have behaved respectfully toward each other or made a strong effort to protect their children. Even if divorcing couples believe they did or can do everything right, it’s wise to become educated about what can happen in the worst of circumstances.

Judith Wallerstein followed 100 children of divorce for 25 years after parental divorce. She found that children of divorce are twice as likely to drop out of school as those from intact homes, three times as apt to have a baby out of wedlock, five-fold more likely to be in poverty, and 12 times more apt to be incarcerated. Only 60 of the 100, now aged 27-43, had ever married vs. 84 percent of those from intact families. And 25 of the 60 had already divorced, leaving only a third who built lasting marriages.

Elizabeth Marquardt, author of Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce, (Crown

Books, 2005) found that children of divorce said “over and over, that the breakup itself made their parents’ worlds seem locked in lasting conflict. Twothirds said their parents seemed like polar opposites in the years following the divorce, compared to just one-third of young adults with married parents.

Close to half said that after the divorce they felt like a different person with each of their parents – something only a quarter of children from intact families said. Half said their divorced parents’ versions of truth were different, compared to just a fifth of those with married parents. More than twice as many children of divorce as children of intact families said that after the divorce they were asked to keep important secrets – and many more felt the need to do so, even when their parents did not ask them to.”

Some children may use the unstable situation to their own advantage, which, in the long run, will probably not make them very happy. For example, a 2004 study by sociologist Chris Menning of Iowa State, says that “children of separated or divorced parents gather and interpret information about their parents, dodge questions, engineer images of themselves, parry parents’ probes, maneuver between households, and cut ties with parents in efforts to exert their own authority, and to secure their individual identities.” The study found that adolescents used several strategies in this effort, in order to manipulate their parents, including: •W ithholding information from one parent to avoid punishment or to solidify a relationship with another parent. Children can gain an upper hand by controlling information flow because, following a separation or divorce, there is often reduced communication between parents.

•M oving from one home to another. Children often move into the home of the parent who is less controlling. They do this to punish the other parent or to escape a situation they don’t like.

•C utting one parent completely out of the teen’s life. This allows the child to control when and where they have contact with that parent.

Despite the plethora of data describing how divorce negatively affects children, it is worth reiterating that what may truly impact the well being of the majority of children is the way that the separation and divorce are handled.

By maintaining this focus, states The Lucy Daniels Center, “your children will learn important lessons about love, commitment and getting through tough times.”

Rank State Amount Per 1K #1 Nevada: ............................... 7.1 #2 Arkansas: ............................. 6.2 #3 Alabama: ............................. 5.4 #4 Wyoming: ............................ 5.4 #5 Idaho: .................................. 5.3 #6 West Virginia: ...................... 5.2 #7 Kentucky: ............................ 5.2 #8 Tennessee: ............................ 5.1 #9 Florida: ................................ 5.1 #10 Mississippi: .......................... 4.9 #11 Colorado: ............................ 4.7 #12 Arizona: ............................... 4.7 #13 Alaska: ................................. 4.6 #14 Washington: ........................ 4.6 #15 Oregon: ............................... 4.6 #16 Maine: ................................. 4.6 #17 North Carolina: .................4.5 #18 New Mexico: ....................... 4.4 #19 California: ........................... 4.3 #20 New Hampshire: ................. 4.3

Resources: (Cont.)

Books: Was it the Chocolate Pudding?

A Story for Little Kids about Divorce

by Sandra Levins, American Psychological Association, 2006; 40 pp.

Dear Mr. Henshaw

by Beverly Cleary HarperCollins Publishers, 2000; 134 pp.

It’s Not the End of the World

by Judy Blume Random House Children’s Books, 1986; 169 pp.

The Divorce Helpbook for Teens

by Cynthia MacGregor Impact Publishers, 2004; 144 pp.

Does Wednesday Mean Mom’s House or Dads? Parenting Together While Living Apart

by Marc J. Ackerman, Ph.D. Wiley, John & Sons, Inc., 2008; 272 pp.

Life Laughs: The Naked Truth about Motherhood, Marriage and Moving On

by Jenny McCarthy Penguin Group, 2007; 240 pp.

Always Dad: Being a Great Dad During and After Divorce

by Paul Mandelstein NOLO, 2006; 288 pp.

What About the Kids: Raising Your Children Before, During and After Divorce

by Judith Wallerstein Hyperion, 2004; 400 pp.

Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way

by M.Gary Neuman and Patricia Romanowski, Random House Publishing Group, 1998; 460 pp.

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Parenting Active Kids:

I’m Moving My Kid. This League Stinks. Sport Associations

by Tim Cox, Education Road Ltd.

H

ow many youth sports organizations are there? Little League, Pop Warner, AAU, Dixie, and a thousand other local choices. My first was Little League at 9. Decades later, I am still with them.

Along the way, I have experienced dozens of alternatives in a variety of sports. Parents/Coaches often question why this league or that program and often confuse program with administration.

I have learned that the organization is usually an aside to the real ingredient, people. You will find many elite programs scattered around the country but a great leader with an even better team (parents) generally administers them.

One of the more unusual phenomena I see throughout youth activities is the parent who will never jump in to help the current program, but will go to the effort of organizing a new program or team. Don’t be fooled by simple efforts to improve your child’s participation by creating a new organization. Look for how you can improve the current program and if you decide to take a new path, do it for the right reasons, not just your child.

FOOTBALL

American Youth Football (www.americanyouthfootball.com), calls itself the

largest youth football and cheer program. Also calling itself the largest, while definitely being the oldest is Pop Warner Football (www.popwarner.com). The Charlotte area’s Youth Football Development Football League is an example of a local program taking a leading roll (www.youthdevelopmentfootball.com).

BASEBALL/SOFTBALL

Little League (www.littleleague.org) has been around forever, but Dixie League (youth.dixie.org/2008_Season.htm) has a solid history , as does the Babe Ruth League (www.baberuthleague.org). Or try USSSA Baseball of the Carolinas (www. carolinaUSSSA.com). Sometimes you can find an organization that is not truly a league but offer support like the Optimist League, Portland, Oregon’s Friends of Baseball (www.friendsofbaseball.org/news. php) or Grand Slam USA in Charlotte (www.grandslamusa.org).

The American Softball Association (www. softball.org/youth) has the lead on girl’s softball and bills itself as The National Governing Body of Softball.

BASKETBALL

AAU is an organization that covers a variety of sports but certainly leads the way with basketball, as well as track and field. (www.aausports.org) Not far behind in basketball history is the YMCA (www.ymca. net/programs/sports.html) but there are programs like (www.aurora-il.org/youth/basketball_league.php) Aurora Illinois’s NBA/WNBA affiliated league. You also might want to check out the Youth Basketball Association of America of North Carolina (www. yboaofnc.com); the United States Basketball Association (www.usbahoops.com); and USSSA Basketball in Charlote (www.charlotteusssabasketball. com)

SOCCER

The American Youth Soccer Association AYSO (www.soccer.org) has been in business since 1964 as a real motivator of the growth in kids’ soccer. The international governing body of soccer is The Federation Internationale de Football Association (www.

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fifa.com). Many organizations use FIFA as their baseline but a few stand relatively alone and do an excellent job. Palatine, Illinois’ Northern Illinois Soccer League (www.northernillinoissoccerleague.com) runs a big show, and has been doing so since 1975, with nearly 1000 associated teams in the Chicago area. Locally, there are many area youth soccer organizations.

BICYCLING

Youth cycling has a long way to go in matching the major sports but the foundation is out there. An organization, such as New Jersey Youth Cycling Association, (www.premierecycling.net/njycf.html) has an interesting web site that appears a solid local program. USA CYCLING (www.usacycling.org) is the site for the long-standing leader of cycling. They sanction a vast number of events around the country and provide support to many local organizations. In the Charlotte area, contact the Tarheel Trailblazers, which has family and youth programs (www.tarheeltrailblazers.com) Whether it is STREET HOCKEY, SKATEBOARDING, ICE SKATING, CHEERLEADING, SWIMMING, or your child’s favorite sport, there is a national organization and sometimes two or three.

Visit www.kidsincharlotte.com to get the names of local leagues in all the sports listed above, as well as golf, swimming, fencing, and more.

There are exceptional alternatives in the local arena as you can see by several of the links. I like consistency.

Once you pin down the organization, stick to it.

Years need to flow into the next to encourage participation, but that does not mean independence and creativity should be discouraged. Try new ideas. Push for new volunteers. Top on the list of your program is every facet of safety from adult background checks to concession food handling. Fun is a close second with organization coming in third. Parental participation is an absolute and that parent should be you.

Article Copyright Timothy Cox & Education Road Ltd. 2008, twc@educationroad.com

Fishface and the

Season of Bruises

by Karsen Price

A

t first, the doctors thought they could fix Mama.

“Ricky, honey, your mama’s like a car that’s out of gas,” Mama said.

I nodded. Night was creeping in, blue-black and thick. I was cramming a long stick in the grill so it would catch on fire, then waving the glowing end round and round.

It was a tiny firefly on a stick.

I stopped to look at Mama’s legs.

Her bruises weren’t like the ones dotted on my shins from where Michelle kicked me under the dinner table, and they weren’t like Fishface’s, the bruisedest kid I knew. Mama’s bruises were Lochness Monster sized: purplish-green and black, with red veins running through them and smeary edges, like they was spreading. And they weren’t just on her long legs; they reared up on her arms, her back,

her stomach.

“They just need to fill me up with some new, super-duper blood, that’s all,” Mama said. She clattered the lid on the grill and hefted the platter of burgers. “The new blood is supposed to mix with my old blood and make it all better.”

I twirled my dying firefly out.

Before September, Mama thought she was just a klutz. She’d rub her spotted legs and giggle and tell Dad, “I hope you didn’t marry me for my coordination.” Dad would thick-finger pinch her pink-polyester bottom and say, “You know why I married you.”

I knew why. For her shiny black hair, piled on top of her in a satin beehive. And because she could play basketball like a boy and still smell sweet, like a cake in the oven.

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Mama stopped at the screen door and looked down at her legs. Her lips curved toward the ground, like they did when the guy left the girl in the movies.

“It’s OK,” I said. I tripped up the steps behind her. “I like having a polka-dotted mom.”

Mama hugged me. Even with one hand holding the burgers, she squeezed the breath out of me.

I felt itchy inside, so I didn’t hug back. My arms hung down stick-man straight.

She let go. “Now, let’s go in the house and cheer up Michelle.”

“What for,” I said. “She’s just depressed about Fishface again.”

My eleven-year-old sister was always everlasting depressed about Fishface. He lived on the dead-end street behind our house, just past the neighborhood boundary Mama had given us.

Everybody called him Fishface. His big old blue eyes never blinked, and his small, white mouth was pursed up, just like the catfish I caught last Fourth of July. We only saw him on the bus, where Johnny Miller and Buddy Frank would laugh at the dark circles under his eyes and the bruises on his arms and yell, “Who wants to sit beside Fishface?” Nobody did. Not even the kindergartners.

I figured old Michelle was still upset about this afternoon, when Fishface’d sat beside her the teeth-bouncing way home.

The bus was the only place my sister ever let me sit beside her, and just to spite her, I always refused. I had to get back at her for all the times she told me I was too stupid to live.

Mama’s first fill-up seemed to do the trick. The bruises started fading, like my Etch-A-Sketch after one shake, and she even felt good enough to shoot baskets with me again.

The first night that she felt better, she and Dad waltzed around the room like they was on the Lawrence Welk show, laughing like crazy, twostep dipping here, swaying there. Even Michelle got excited and forgot I was her stupid brother and grabbed my sticky hands with her cool ones, and we tried to waltz, too. The four of us wound up in a big pile in the middle of the living room rug, Glen Campbell blaring from the two-foot speakers, sunlight burning in yellow sheets through the front windows.

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And then it didn’t work anymore. Mama had to go get filled up again. And again.

That’s when the doctors asked Mama to come stay overnight. They wanted to do some more tests, and said she could use some extra special rest. It was going to be a tiny vacation, Mama said, and we were to listen to our baby sitter and don’t forget to have fun.

I slept with my basketball that night, and dreamed that Fishface was trying to take it away from me.

The morning Mama left, Dad told us a hundred times that the bus driver was going to let us off at the Stanleys’ house after school. Their daughter Cindy was going to baby-sit us (Michelle got mad at the word baby-sit). Michelle liked Cindy; she was thin with long blonde hair that trickled down her back, and her lips were shiny. She was fifteen.

Michelle was happy. She said Cindy’s house was ten minutes closer to school, which was ten minutes less that she had to sit beside Fishface.

That afternoon we sprawled on green shag carpet and listened to Beach Boys records and watched the Partridge Family, which came on at four.

Cindy taught us how to suck lemons with salt, and she gave Michelle a real manicure, whatever that was, and brushed her long brown hair until it crackled with static. Then they grabbed me by my arms and legs and swung me back and forth like a hammock, until they threw me on the couch where we all lay laughing, arms and legs tangled up like a gigantic three-headed spider.

When Dad came to pick us up at six, his eyes looked the way the TV does right after you turn it off. He shushed our giggling in the back seat, and rumbled his throat.

“Michelle, Ricky, they’ve decided to keep Mama a little bit longer,” Dad said, driving fast. My legs were stuck to the green leather seats.

tried to make a few shots, but my arms felt like somebody was pulling them to the ground. So I wandered into Michelle’s room. She was sitting on the bed scratching at her nails with a butter knife. “Off, off. I can’t get it off,” she was saying.

She looked up when I walked in.

“Oooooh, what’re you doing?” I asked. “I’m gonna tell Mama!” We weren’t supposed to play with knives.

“She isn’t here to tell, Stupid!” Michelle screamed. She jumped off the bed and pushed me out of the room.

Michelle wouldn’t eat dinner that night, and Dad didn’t make her like Mama would’ve. Me and Dad ate fried bologna sandwiches and ravioli, and it was so quiet it was hard to chew.

After dinner, I tiptoed into Michelle’s room to get her newest Bobbsey Twins book. She’d been getting them as gifts from Mama since forever, and her bookshelf was full of them, Nan and Bert and Floppsey all tumbling together. Mama wrote a special note in each one of them, with the date Michelle got it and everything. Michelle didn’t like for me to read her books; said I’d wrinkle them. But Mama had told her to share.

Michelle didn’t see me right away. I stood and watched her at her desk. She was moving her horse drawings a little to the left, then a little to the right. She kept moving things around like she was straightening up, only, nothing was getting straight. Her fingers were shaking.

“What are you doing?” I asked. I grabbed the book I wanted out of her bookcase.

“Ricky, don’t!” she yelled. I froze. She flew to me and slam-bammed the book back in the right spot. “Stupid! You can’t move anything in here,” she said.

“Why not?”

“It’s all our fault, Daddy,” Michelle whispered.

She turned to me and punched me on the leg, hard. “We forgot to miss her,” she said.

She shoved me to the doorway and rushed back to the bookcase. She squinted at the books.

“See, you’ve changed them!” she wailed. “You’ve messed them all up! See this dust line right here?

Now I’ve got to get them all right back to that line, just the way they were,” she paused and made a sound like a ravioli was in her throat, “the way they were before Mama left. And if I don’t get them just right, Mama’ll die. And it’ll be your fault!”

When we got home, I grabbed my basketball and

I fell to my knees to help her. Her bony hands

“How long?” Michelle asked.

Dad didn’t answer. He just started crying, his shoulders shaking up and down until I couldn’t breathe.

flung nervous tears like flying raindrops while she told me her secret plan. She’d come up with it while me and Dad were eating. “See, everything’s got to stay the same around here – the exact same as it was before Mama left.” She looked at me with eyes that tap-danced. “I don’t know why but it does. It’s our only chance.”

I nodded. She was two years older than me, so she had to be right.

We visited Mama at the hospital as much as they would let us – once on the weekends and every Tuesday and Thursday night. All kinds of tubes and wires hummed and dripped from her body to big machines. Her hair was short now, and the skin under her eyes looked muddy.

Mama was always glad to see us, but her eyes never stayed open for long. She usually fell asleep while we were there, Michelle lying on one side, me on the other, Dad holding her hand in a white-fingered grip.

Days crawled into weeks, and before I knew it, it was the weekend before Halloween. And still, no Mama back at home, making me grilled cheese sandwiches, tickling my arm and tucking me

into bed. I hadn’t shot free throws in forever. My throat ached all the time.

That Friday night, the three of us were sitting on the front steps with our TV dinners on our laps, watching the sky turn from orange to pink to purple. Dad was as quiet as a sunset. Michelle had already called me stupid twice.

I figured she was just mad about the bus ride that afternoon. It seemed the sicker Mama got, the bolder Fishface had become. He sat beside Michelle every day now, but today had been really bad. He’d leaned up close to her the whole ride, singing, “Going to the chapel and we’re, gonna get married” in a voice that made me want to put pencil erasers in my ears. Everybody’d laughed, including me, at how Michelle was all squinched up on the cracked vinyl seat, her dark eyes on the floor, her brown hair falling like a curtain around her face.

I ate my TV-dinner brownie first, and thought about Michelle. I figured she was going crazy about it in her head, worrying what old Fishface would do on Monday.

All of a sudden she sat up like somebody’d poked her.

“Who’s gonna buy us our costumes?” she demanded. “Who’s gonna take us trick-or-treating?

Who’s gonna put my hair up?”

Dad looked at Michelle like she was talking another language. “How can you think about trickor-treating, when your mother …” His voice broke, and he blinked. He stared into nowhere.

The sky was dark blue now, but it was too cloudy for stars.

When Dad spoke, his voice was softer. “Well, now, Michelle, I’ll take you to get your costumes.

You’ll have to tell me where to go. And why can’t I take you trick-or-treating?”

“But who’ll give out the candy?” I asked. That was his job. It seemed very important that somebody be at home to give out the candy. “Can Mama?” I asked. “Maybe they’ll let her come home just to do that,” I shouted. I jumped up, spilling corn on the steps. A few kernels landed in Michelle’s ribbony hair.

“You are so Stupid!” Michelle yelled.

Dad grabbed my arm and held it. “No, Ricky, your mama can’t do it,” he said. “But I know what. I’ll call Grandma Ruby. And maybe she can

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stay here a little while, while your mom’s gone.”

let out a big breath.

He just sat there.

Grandma Ruby was Dad’s mom. She showed up at our house the next day. “Just until your precious mother comes home from the hospital,” she said, blowing her hot breath in my face. When she hugged me, her body felt like an old feather bed.

That night only three of us visited Mama. Michelle stayed at home, locked in her room that was still dirty. I felt like a traitor. My room was cleaner than it’d ever been.

I punched and punched, until the bus driver slung on the brakes, stalked to the middle of the bus, grabbed me by the collar of my jacket and threw me toward the front. The metal teeth of my zipper cut into my throat.

There was one thing about Grandma Ruby: She liked things to be clean. She spent the entire first day scrubbing our house, mumbling “good gracious” and “heaven forbid” while she worked, her fat fanny sticking in my face everywhere I went.

It was after watching us mope around for two hours that she decided broken hearts needed good old-fashioned work to mend them. She handed us each a trash bag, led us to our rooms and said, “Fill it up. And bring me all your dirty clothes, even the ones under the bed, and make sure to dust your dresser-drawers.”

Michelle turned white. “No, Grandma, no,” she said. “Please! Don’t make me clean my room.

Anything but that!”

Grandma Ruby frowned. “I know you’ve been running around like a wild thing since your mother’s been gone, but all I’m asking you to do is clean your room,” she said. “Is that too much to ask?”

Michelle didn’t answer. Her shoulders heaved up and down, but she didn’t cry. I opened my mouth to tell that it was the only way to make Mama better, but Michelle looked me a violent shut-up.

I knew better than to talk when she looked like that.

“My, my,” Grandma said. “Ricky, do you have a problem helping your grandmother clean up?”

Wide-eyed, stuck in the middle like that, I shook my head no. But I wanted to hit her over the head with my basketball, thump-thump.

“Well, Michelle,” Grandma said, “unless you can give me a good reason for you not to clean your room, then you are just going to have to clean it. And if you don’t, well, you’re not going to see your mother until you do. Won’t she be upset tonight when I tell her you had to stay home because you refused to listen to your grandmother?”

Michelle’s eyes were glossy with tears. “You wouldn’t!”

“Just clean your room, dear,” Grandma said. She

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That Monday morning, I followed a puffy-eyed Michelle up the bus steps while Grandma Ruby waved from the porch. I followed my sister to the middle of the bus, and waited for her to sit down.

Then I scooted into the seat behind her.

When the bus came to a screeching halt at Fishface’s house, Michelle bowed her head and sat very still. Her shoulders slumped forward till I could see her backbone sticking through her pink velour shirt.

Fishface climbed the stairs, looked around for Michelle and shouted, “Honey, I’m home!” He squeezed past the other boys, who pushed and shoved him as he went by, and slid in beside my sister. He put a spotted arm around her shoulders.

Then it happened. Michelle started to cry. She was wailing like a baby in front of Buddy and Johnny and everybody. I couldn’t believe it. I just sat there and looked at her bony backbone. It wouldn’t quit staring at me.

The bus was quiet except for the creak of the door closing and my sister crying. I stared at a purple bruise on Fishface’s arm. It made me think of Mama. How she wouldn’t like Michelle crying like that, in front of everybody. And me doing nothing.

I stood up, even though we weren’t supposed to stand on the bus. My mouth tasted like tire rubber. The bus bumped forward, throwing me into the seat in front of me. I walked around to Fishface, and put my hand on his shoulder.

“Get up, Fishface,” I said. “That’s my seat.”

Everybody went, “Ooooooh.” Fishface just looked at me – I was pretty small for a fourthgrader – and smiled. I tried to tug his free hand off the seat in front of him, but he wouldn’t move.

The next thing I knew, I was whaling on Fishface.

I punched his chest, his nose, his pasty cheeks.

It stung my hands when I hit him, and it made sickening slapping sounds, but I couldn’t stop.

His mouth was stretched in a smile, but his eyes were wide-open and begging. He never hit back.

I had to sit in the front seat. The bus was completely silent except for Fishface’s muffled sniffs. I couldn’t see my sister’s face or her pointy backbone. But she wasn’t crying. And she was sitting by herself.

I had to wait in the principal’s office until Dad got there. Everything glared at me: the chalkwhite walls, the waxy-yellow floor, the smeary windows. I was too miserable to be scared. I had gotten in a fight on the bus. I had beaten up a sixth grader. What would Mama say? What would Dad do? I couldn’t stop shaking and seeing Fishface’s dog-sad eyes. The zipper marks on my neck stung.

Dad slung open the door to the office and looked around the room for me. His face was so hard my stomach burned. But when his eyes found me, he did a funny thing. He sat down on the balls of his feet and opened his arms wide.

I ran to him, buried my face in the thick of his shoulder and cried. I gripped him around the neck and hugged him better than I’d ever hugged anybody – a hug as good as Mama’s, he later said.

In the principal’s office, my dad told Mr. Cutchenson how tough Mama’s sickness had been on the three of us. “Leukemia?” Mr. Cutchenson asked. My father nodded. “I’ve been too worried to give them the attention they’ve needed,” Dad said. Mr. Cutchenson never mentioned his paddle.

We went back outside to the secretary’s desk, where my dad called work and told them he wasn’t coming in. He asked the secretary to call my sister out of class. The three of us left school in search of the biggest chocolate milkshakes we could find.

“There’s a new drug they’re going to try with your mama,” Dad said. I slurped the bottom of my shake. “I don’t want you two to get excited or anything, but it just might do the trick.”

“Can we go see her, Dad?” Michelle begged.

“Pleeease?”

So we did. The nurses let us in her room, even though it was a Monday, and we told Mama all

about the fight. Michelle smiled a little, and Mama laughed her old laugh at the thought of me, a nineyear-old, protecting his big elevenyear-old sister. I was almost happy.

Then Dad told Mama that me and Michelle were going to walk to Fishface’s house tomorrow afternoon and apologize. To my surprise.

“Oh, Ricky,” Mama said. Her voice was scratchy. “If you do that, I’ll be so proud of you. It takes a strong man to admit when he’s wrong.”

Grandma drove us to school the next day. When we got out, Michelle ran up to Grandma’s side of the car and gave her a choking hug.

Grandma held her for a long time.

Her room was still not clean.

I was sick, thinking about what I had to do that afternoon. In class I got yelled at twice for not paying attention. At lunch, my hamburger stuck in my throat and my chocolate milk tasted sour. I kept going to the bathroom, but nothing would

come out.

After Grandma picked us up from school, Michelle and I walked slow over to Fishface’s. Leaves crunched under our feet, but no birds were singing. My feet felt like cement as we went through the field behind his house. I wanted to ask Michelle if she thought Fishface would beat me up, but the lump in my throat wouldn’t let me. I wondered if she’d stop him if he did.

We were in front of Fishface’s house when we heard the sounds. The sounds of something being hit. The sound of a thick object sinking into soft flesh, and loud adult curses. A young boy’s screams bounced off the walls and echoed through the leafy front yard.

Me and Michelle stopped dead and looked at each other. We stared at the window where the sounds were coming from. The blue-plaid curtain sucked against the screen like it wanted to escape. I imagined Fish-

face holding onto the windowsill, begging to be let out. I remembered all his bruises; like Mama’s, only different. I remembered the way his skin popped when I’d hit him, the way his eyes had begged. And then I threw up.

Somehow we got out of that yard.

I hiccup-cried all the way home.

Michelle held my hand the whole time, even though it was sticky and smelled bad.

Later that night, after we’d told Dad what happened and we’d all agreed not to tell Mama till she got out of the hospital, I walked into my room to put on my pajamas.

On my pillow, like a shining trophy, lay The Bobbsey Twins in a TV Mystery Show. My sister’s prized book. Out of its place in her room.

I flipped open the book, shaking.

Editor’s Note: If you are a victim of child abuse or suspect a child or teen is at risk, please don’t hesitate to seek help: Child Development Community Policing Partners (704) 336-2944 www.cd-cp.org Child Maltreatment at Levine Children’s Hospital Office: (704) 355-3156 After hours: (704) 446-KIDS Pat’s Place Child Advocacy Center (704) 335-2760 www.patsplaceac.org/place/ Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools Youth & Family Services Bureau (704) 336-7337 www.cms.k12.nc.us/departments/ guidance/resourceDirectory.asp

She had written on the inside cover.

“To my brother Ricky,” it read.

“Who is not one bit Stupid.”

MSR Savvy Parent –

23

Childhood Anxiety

s.

V Kid-Sized Stress

I

by Kim Honeycutt, MSW, LCSW, CCFC, LCAS

magine you are sitting calmly reflecting on the day. It is peaceful; there is no one yelling, fussing, or demanding anything from you (big stretch I know). Just as you feel relaxed, your six-year-old runs into the room and screams, “The house is on fire, the house is on fire!” You jump up screaming, “Help us, help us” and follow the six-year-old as you both race from the burning home! You get outside and with labored breath ask the six-year-old as you look at the intact house, “So where is the fire?” The six-year-old shows you a lit match. For a child, a lit match can be a house fire. That is where you, the caring, nurturing parent, comes in. It is very important for parents to be able to recognize their child’s anxiety and know the difference between daily stress and clinical anxiety.

If your child’s anxiety can be resolved now, it might not have to become an automated lifetime response.

All children experience anxiety, and anxiety disorders are one of the most common mental conditions in children and teenagers. Anxiety in children is expected and normal at certain developmental stages. For example, from approximately age eight months through four years old, healthy children may show intense

24

anxiety at times of separation from their parents or other persons with whom they are close.

Young children may have short-lived fears; some examples may include fear of the dark or fear of animals, or perhaps a fear of strangers. Since this is normal and expected, how do you as a parent know if your child’s anxious responses have clinical significance?

While everyone may have occasional moments of feeling anxious or worried, an anxiety disorder is a medical condition that causes people to feel persistently, uncontrollably worried over an extended time frame. The disorder may result in significant distress in a number of settings, such as school, peer relationships, and home. Generally, having an anxiety disorder dramatically affects people’s lives by limiting their ability to interact and engage in a variety of activities.

Children will have anxiety about social activities.

Let’s take Jennifer for example. It is normal for Jennifer to feel butterflies in her stomach on the way to her soccer game. It is important for her parent(s) to comfort her and listen without judgment as she shares about her nervousness. If she does not want to play in the game, it is important for mom to let her know she doesn’t have to in an effort to normalize her fear. To get a better

understanding of your child’s feelings, parents may want to ask a few questions: What is your fear? What is the worst thing you can imagine happening? If that “thing” happened, what is it about you that would help you be OK? How can I help you to make the right decision for YOU? Do you think that other team members might be nervous? Are you worried about me (the parent) being upset about your performance? Most likely, Jennifer will be able to confront this fear and play in the game. If she is unable to do so and her fears persist, and also the fears seemingly attach to other things (e.g. school performance, social interactions, etc.) then it may be more than nervousness. She may be suffering from one of several types of anxiety disorders.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder According to the School of Psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital, children who suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) may appear inflexible or excessively worried about conforming to rules, or they may not be able to enjoy hobbies or other recreational activities. Children with GAD are often preoccupied with worries about their success in activities and they may hyper-focus on receiving the approval of others. These children may have persistent

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uncontrollable thoughts of self-doubt, and they constantly criticize themselves. Children may be preoccupied with being on time, insist on doing a task “perfectly,” or become upset when their parent violates a rule or law. Some children who may appear shy are actually preoccupied with significant worries. Even if children are aware that their worries and responses are disproportionate to the situation, they may not be able to stop their feelings and thoughts. Generalized Anxiety Disorder differs from the occasional worries experienced by most children in that it affects the child in various settings and/or situations (e.g. home, school, and with friends) and persists for at least six months. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Fourth Edition-Text Revised (DSM IV-TR) and cited by the School of Psychiatry of Massachusetts General Hospital, the criteria below are used to determine if a child suffers from an anxiety disorder. Please note, in order to have a diagnosis of GAD, children and adolescents must experience at least one other symptom beyond the first two listed.

At Home At home, children with generalized anxiety disorder may have a combination of the symptoms listed below.

• Excessive worry and anxiety about a variety of matters on most days for at least six months.

Children may worry about school tasks, interactions with peers, being on time, and following rules. Worry about receiving approval is common. Children may worry about future activities, new experiences, or many other matters.

• Frequent self-doubt and self-critical comments • Inability to stop the worry despite parental reassurance • Physical problems, including headaches, stomach ache, fatigue, and muscle tensions • Signs of persistent anxiety, including restlessness, feeling “on edge,” difficulty concentrating or relaxing, or mind going blank • Irritability, which often increases with increased worry • Sleep problems, which may include waking up early, waking up feeling unrested, or trouble falling asleep or staying asleep • Experimentation with alcohol or drugs as a way to reduce suffering. Drugs and alcohol can themselves produce or worsen anxiety.

• Depression or thoughts of not wanting to be alive in some situations if children believe there is no hope of reducing their symptoms

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At School

Recovery Options

At school, a child with generalized anxiety disorder may have a combination of the symptoms listed below.

Anxiety problems in children can be treated.

Early treatment can prevent future struggles, such as loss of friendships, failure to reach social and academic potential, and low self-esteem.

Treatments may include a combination of the following: individual psychotherapy, family therapy, medications, behavioral treatments such as releases, and school consultation.

• Excessive worry and anxiety about a variety of matters • Repeated seeking of teacher approval • An inability to explain the worries. Children may not understand why they are so anxious.

• Inability to stop the worry. Despite adult reassurance, the worries continue.

• Difficulty transitioning from home to school.

Children may develop difficulty entering school in the morning if they associate more worries with school. This may lead to late arrival times, long and tearful morning dropoffs, or tearful episodes at school.

• Refusal or reluctance to attend school. Anxiety may lead a child to insist on staying at home.

• Avoidance of academic and peer activities • Self-criticism and low self-esteem • Difficulty concentrating due to persistent worry, which may affect a variety of school activities, from following directions and completing assignments to paying attention If you believe your child experiences several of the symptoms listed above, specifically within the school environment, it is important to obtain a thorough evaluation by a qualified professional. Oftentimes, children are diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder when their symptoms could be better accounted for by something else. For example, in terms of academic challenges, if your child is experiencing difficulty with the material presented in class, is having difficulty concentrating and/or is reluctant to attend school, it may be helpful to have her (him) evaluated to rule out any possible learning disorders. Her (His) symptoms of anxiety may be masking, and/or compounding, other clinically significant issues.

Creative Ways to Reduce Anxiety Children tend to show us what they need, and they will naturally know how to release their anxiety. Unfortunately, many adults interrupt the process by telling them to stop doing what they are doing. A recommendation I have offered to parents, specifically to help their child who is struggling with anxiety and/or excessive worrying, involves the concept of “creative release” activities. Creative release activities are specifically designed to help your child externally release their internal experience. The activities are simple to do, cost little to no money, and do not involve destroying anyone or anything of value. For example, returning to Jennifer, the nervous soccer player, a simple creative release activity that could be used to help her consists of crayons and paper. So, for example, when she wakes up the morning of the big game mom gives her a big piece of paper and crayons and tells her, “Show me on this paper how nervous you are.” So let’s say Jennifer scribbles all over the page. Mom explains to her, “This piece of paper is your nervousness and since you don’t need it at the game with you, what do you want to do to it?” Jennifer may tear it up or destroy it in some way. Her mother explains to her that she is not her nervousness and that her internal and external support is much better and bigger than her fear.

The example used above was one example of a creative release activity. Below are examples of other creative release activities that can help children reduce their anxiety: • Throwing stuffed animals at the wall • Twisting a towel • Tearing up a phone book, Kleenex, or any other material that is replaceable • Coloring outside of the lines • Bubble paper • Throwing wet hand towels at the shower wall These are just a few ideas. Again, proper creative release means no one gets hurt and nothing of value gets destroyed. It’s a way to take what is hiding on the inside of a child and get it out in a tangible fashion so s/he can feel in control. If you feel comfortable doing this with your child, please make sure they and you completely understand the guidelines. Number one guideline is NO ONE GETS HURT! The second rule of thumb is that fun, creative releases are healthy, acceptable behavior, but may be expressed only in a certain part of the house- not at the grocery store, in the car, grandma’s house, etc. The third helpful hint is that only items mom and dad approve can be used.

Finally, the most important recommendation I can give to parents is to listen to your children. Many fears are irrational; however, some are real and your child may be trying to tell you something. Seek professional guidance if your child is symptomatic! Anxiety is to be expected, but it does not have to be crippling. If your child consistently thinks the house is on fire, then do whatever is necessary to teach them how to blow the match out!

Kim Honeycutt, Co-Founder Peer In Counseling Center www.peerincounselingcenter.com Resources www.schoolpsychiatry.org www.worrywisekids.org Laurie Fulper Child Specialist (704 )541-1141 x201

peer in C O U N S E L I N G

C E N T E R

check out our new website and see our listing of staff and services:

www.peerincounselingcenter.com Kim Honeycutt, MSW, LCSW, CCFC, LCAS PSYCHOTHERAPIST & ADDIC TION SPECIALIST kim@peerincounselingcenter.com

Laurie Fulper, MA, LPC P S Y C H O T H E R A P I S T & C H I L D A N D FA M I LY S P E C I A L I S T laurie@peerincounselingcenter.com MSR Savvy Parent –

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2 Date or Not 2 Date:

When Do I Let My Child Start?

M

by Kim Honeycutt, MSW, LCSW, CCFC, LCAS

y brother called me slightly panicked.

When I asked what was wrong, he said, “It’s Regan” (his four year old daughter).

Without taking a breath he explained that she was dressing up that week for preschool, and although that may not seem odd for some children, it was out of character for Regan. So, being the inquisitive dad that he is, he started to inquire about her abrupt change in dress. What he found out startled him. The reason she was behaving differently was, TAYLOR. Taylor was a four-year-old, blond-haired green-eyed Kid McDreamy who was responsible for changing Regan’s independent demeanor into, well, a school girl. My brother told me his concern was that she came home earlier in the week crying because TAYLOR had pulled her hair. Then only two days later, she is found putting on her “Sunday best” with her hair in two pig-tails (more ammo for Taylor I presume) and adorning herself with her best pink costume jewelry. She was dressed and ready to impress Taylor. To be honest, I thought the whole incident was adorable; my brother, however, highly disagreed. He said, “My four year old is already in a domestic violent code-

28

pendent relationship!” So the question presented to me is how do I know when my child is old enough to date? Granted, my four-year-old niece is clearly not at an age in which the question of dating should even be considered. Nonetheless, the conversation with my brother, coupled with the question posed to me, stirred thoughts about relationships in general, and dating in particular.

In fact, when I considered the question of age and dating more closely, I do not think that is the right question. I believe a better question is “How can I encourage my children to know who they are in our family so they will also know who they are out of the family.” In other words, I suggest parents focus on identity formation more than age.

Peers influence a teen’s dating life, but parents and families need to have the final word. Families can provide support for their teens or add to the challenges they are already experiencing.

Research shows that preteen and teenage girls who date and have parents who fight constantly are likely to have low self-esteem.

Furthermore, girls who date early and have parents who are strict and emotionally distant are more likely to be depressed.

Conversely, according to Kate Fogarty, a researcher at the University of Florida, teen girls with warm, strong relationships with their mothers and who were not involved in steady dating had higher grades than their romantically involved peers. Therefore, it is not a surprise that healthy, attentive families become the primary support for their teens.

So my first piece of alleged wisdom is to give your children attention for being themselves not just for performance. Children want and need to feel secure around their parents and if they do they will be comfortable and secure around friends. Returning to the example of Regan, my brother’s daughter, the concern, then, is if Regan does not know who she is as a young girl, then the first pleasurable, affirming thing that comes along is who she becomes. Meaning, if that “thing” is a reputation for drinking too much or because she pitched a no-hitter then THAT becomes a part of her. So if Kid McDreamy shows up when Regan is 11 and his slang-laced affirmations and attention toward her are being added to what she already believes about herself, then his props compliment her instead of falsely completes her. When they break up, she will be OK because she knows she is beautiful and whole without him. If Regan grew up without

her identity being formed, then she may believe that without Kid McDreamy she is nothing and problems increase.

It is important to define dating and boundaries long before the dating world becomes a part of your child’s life.

Simply telling your child she/he can’t date until age 30 will

not work.

Actually, it will probably backfire on you. Be the first to bring up the dating/sex conversation instead of being caught off guard when your child comes to you.

Remember many things are different today than they were 20 years ago or even 10 years ago. It is important to keep this in mind while providing empathy for your preteen. Hopefully, you know your child better than anyone else, so base when you begin discussing dating and sex on your child’s readiness. However, I suggest (and much research supports) that parents start talking to children about this at age eight or nine. Before you talk to your child, talk to your spouse or your partner first. It is vital you two are on the same page. Once you are a united front, the talks with your child can ensue. That’s right – that is plural- not one talk, but many talks along the path of preteen and adolescent life.

Talk to them about crushes, physical attraction, and sex. Let them know from the beginning what age you think is okay for dating or what you are looking for from them that will let you know they are ready to start dating. Be clear and candid about sex. Ask them questions to see how much they already know and to check and see if they have been misinformed. If you are uncomfortable with certain questions, let your child know that you don’t know how to answer the question but you will pursue the answer with your child. Once you decide the dating rules, make sure they are clear. Generally, teenagers speak and hear differently from adults.

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Having the dating rules in writing might reduce miscommunication.

One way to really break down the communication with your child is to judge or overreact.

It is important to encourage conversation and to maintain an atmosphere of acceptance. So, to create open airways, it is best to share your values and wishes for your child around dating and sex. Your tone is vital. Your tone and body language will be louder to your teen than your words, so keep it cool and remain calm.

Here are some other suggestions: • Don’t assume group dating is safe- kids can split up and have alone time. It’s about trusteither your child earned your trust or she/he hasn’t.

• Consider having dates at home. Give them privacy but check on them occasionally.

• S tart off with knowing all plans and all those involved with the plans. Know who she/he is dating and have dates originate at your house.

Know where she/he is going, who will be there, etc and as trust builds back off a little to allow your maturing teenager to demonstrate responsibility.

• Don’t minimize your teen’s pain after a breakup or when someone she/he likes doesn’t like them back. This pain is real and at that age it does feel like its going to be this way forever. Be empathetic with her/him. Comments like

you won’t remember his name 10 years from now may be true but its not always helpful.

• Remember that unfortunately one out of four teens will get involved in an abusive relationship. Pay attention if your teen starts to isolate and just spend time with her boyfriend. Pay attention to how your son is talking to his girlfriend. If you suspect abuse, please check out the resources listed and get the necessary help.

Regan is seven-years-old today. Kid McDreamy is long gone. My brother and his wife are doing an excellent job of encouraging her to be herself. Regan recently told me she is tired of people telling her how beautiful she is! I hope she is still that confident at age 14. By the way, her parents started dating when they were 14 and got married when they were 24! So give your children the gift of acceptance, and if you can, accept their boyfriends (girlfriends). You never know, they just might be in your life for a long, long time!

Kim Honeycutt, Co-Founder Peer In Counseling Center www.peerincounselingcenter.com Resources Teenage Dating Abuse: • Loveisrespect.org, (866) 331-9474 • Loveandlogic.com

Teens and the Internet:

Who Do You Know?

W

by Courtney McLaughlin

hat if I told you that tomorrow your child was going to give his or her name, phone number, home address, e-mail, school information, and picture to each person he or she came in contact with. Sounds crazy, scary and laughable! Let’s take it a step further.

What if all the people who now have your child’s personal information make copies and share it with everyone they know, and they make copies and give it to everyone they know, and so on? By the end of the week, how many people would have access to personal information about your child and your family?

Certainly not everyone who views this information intends to do something harmful, but the more you know about these Internet sites, the better equipped you are to help your teen and yourself.

That scenario may sound impossible, but it closely mimics what can and does happen on social networking pages, video-sharing sites and blogs.

Social networking sites are online communities where users can chat and send e-mail to other users, upload voice and video files, create blogs, post

The Internet is a fact of life for most teens. According to the Pew Internet & American Life Project, 93 percent of teenagers ages 12 to 17 were using the Internet in 2006. Fifty-five percent of those surveyed had a profile on a social networking site such as Facebook or MySpace. Forty-two percent said they had a blog (an online journal or diary), and 14 percent had posted a video online. Those numbers beg the question: Do you know what your teen is doing on the Internet?

It’s All In the Numbers

pictures, play games and participate in discussion groups. MySpace and Facebook are two of the more popular sites used in the United States.

These sites usually require the user to create an “account” with basic contact information not shared with everyone online. Once the account information is approved, users create profiles with basic information including age, location, school as well as likes, dislikes, political affiliation, hobbies, favorite sports, views on life, etc.

Part of the enormous appeal of MySpace and Facebook is finding and adding “friends.” Friends are other site members who your teen may know personally or via cyberspace. Once the user approves a friend, he or she is added to the page. Friends usually have access to all other friends’ information included on the page. So, if your teens’ profile lists 27 friends, all of those friends can view the other 26, and their

MSR Savvy Parent –

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friends, etc. MySpace and Facebook offer privacy settings, allowing only people who have been approved by the user to view pictures, profile information, etc.

If this setting is not turned on, anyone casually using the site, even those not registered, have access to basic information and pictures.

Dangerous Identity Detective Kenny Lynch is with Charlotte Mecklenburg Schools (CMS) Law Enforcement and says as the number of “friends” increases so does the potential for trouble. “I’ve seen students with over 1,000 friends on their MySpace page,” he says. “I think kids just don’t realize what you put on MySpace or Facebook is easily accessible to anybody.”

In one case, Lynch investigated a local high school freshman’s relationship with a 16-year-old boy. Her mother contacted Lynch after noticing changes in her daughter’s behavior. Her grades were dropping, her moods were more volatile, and she was spending a lot of time in her room online.

Lynch discovered the person the girl had been chatting with for six months was a 60-year-old man in Seattle. The man had already sent the girl a bus ticket, hoping she would come live with him.

“Often teens think because they have spent time with someone online they are no longer a stranger, and that just isn’t true,” Lynch adds.

Ella*, a ninth-grader, has been on Facebook since August of 2007. She spends her time online uploading and viewing pictures, writing on people’s “walls,” sending e-mail and keeping in touch with her friends on Facebook. “I know almost all my friends (on the site),” she says. “If I don’t know them personally, they go to my school or I know them through a friend. I never become friends with people I don’t know.” Ella says her mom checks her Facebook page frequently.

Charlotte mom Teresa Sutton admits she is probably a little too trusting when it comes to her daughter using social sites on the Internet. She does require her daughter to use the computer in one of the main rooms in the house in the hopes of minimizing potential problems. “Our parents don’t know how easy they had it without computers and cell phones and digital TV,” says Sutton.

YouTube, Blogs Video-sharing sites, such as YouTube, and blogs are two other popular forms of expression used and viewed by teens.

While anyone can view a video on YouTube, only registered users can create videos, movies, and other

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types of video media. Videos are ranked by how often they are viewed and how “popular” they are.

Videos containing pornography, nudity, defamation, harassment, advertisements or material encouraging criminal activity are prohibited. Users who are underage are not permitted to view more lewd content, however, the age of the user is on the honor system with no verification required. If you say you are over 18, the site believes you and grants access accordingly.

YouTube and other video-sharing sites offer a unique challenge to parents and guardians. What teens view on YouTube is limited only to what they can type in a search box. Bloody surgery procedures, soldiers being blown up, dangerous stunts and more can be viewed on the site. To make matters more difficult, cell phones and iPod devices can take pictures, record, and be uploaded to these sites.

Blogs (derived from the term Web log) are online journals. They are usually free to create and users can post entries at any desired frequency. Most blogs include key words or phrases that connect blogs together, creating the “blogosphere,” another type of social networking activity.

Unless a privacy setting is used, anyone can view a blog.

Some bloggers include the same personal information found on social Web site pages. Livejournal, Xanga and Blogger (through Google) are some of the more popular blog creation sites.

Gone are the days of a diary hidden under a bed under lock and key. If your teens’ blog isn’t private, anyone can find out how they are feeling and what they are doing at any point in time, making them more susceptible to people who are online and up to no good.

Simple Solution Some parents have an easy solution to dealing with their teens and the potential dangers of the Internet – they simply don’t allow it. “Friends could pass her name around to their friends to look at her page - people she doesn’t know,” says Martha Serenius, the mother of a 15-year-old teen. “It’s just not necessary.”

Jill Sisskind has seen too many revealing posts to allow her 13-year-old daughter to have a page. “She has a cell phone and e-mail, but I don’t think kids her age are ready for that type of access,” she says.

“I’ve known parents who were not familiar with the

Internet and were told their kids pictures and phone numbers were posted.”

Another popular, and encouraged, parental response is to limit time allowed on the Internet and to monitor all activities closely. If you need a little help, there’s no shortage of software that can track where your teens go online and who they interact with.

Protect Your Rep Teens need to protect their reputations on the Internet as fervently as they do at school. Anyone who has access to your child’s profile could potentially copy pictures and/or personal information and post it anywhere on the Internet.

It is possible to terminate a social networking account, but once the information is “out there” it is hard to remove it permanently. Unlike the days of hand-written notes passed between classes, anything written in cyberspace can usually be found, sometimes with relative ease.

Aaron, a local high school senior, has a page on Facebook and MySpace and says while his parents know he’s on these sites, they don’t monitor them.

He doesn’t take any extra precautions to keep his information private, but he isn’t too concerned. “As long as kids are old enough, they should realize what to do and not do on the Internet,” he says.

As teens turn into high school graduates, their MySpace pages or videos can easily follow them to college and beyond. More and more colleges and employers are aware of social sites and blogs.

A study by the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth found that 20 percent of college admissions offices look for information on social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace.

The Internet offers teens (and adults) a unique opportunity to discover a world beyond their front door and find people with similar interests. Often teens find the acceptance they are looking for in a friend or group they never would have found without the Internet.

But the Internet is reality. It’s not a fantasy world.

*Name has been changed.

It encompasses real people – the good guys and the not so good ones. The only way to assure information about your child won’t be shared with people they don’t know, is to keep them off the Internet’s social web sites, videosharing sites, and blogs. If that isn’t an option you are comfortable with, creating rules, monitoring these sites and staying as involved in your teens online life as you are with the one you can see, is imperative to their safety.

someone on Facebook. You can enter the name of the person you are looking for or search by high school, college or company. Once you are registered, you can perform specific searches or download your

Below is a list of some of the most viewed videos (in English) as of midMay 2008.

• Finland vs. USA in IIHF World Hockey Championship 2008 • China Earthquake (View of the event taken by security cameras.)

• Handcuffed at Prom for Skimpy Dress (HOUSTON – Marche Taylor’s prom night experience wasn’t what you would call the norm.)

• Bill O’Reilly Flips Out • Monkey Works At Bar • G-Unit - I Like The Way She Do It (Dirty Version) • American Idol • Facebook, www.facebook.com.

Facebook is a social networking Web site with more than 69 million users. The site is open to users 13 and older. Facebook has a more rigid template, and while users can manipulate the page, it doesn’t offer the design options of MySpace. This is one reason MySpace seems to be more popular than Facebook with younger teens. You do not have to be a registered user to search for

®

Call today to schedule a private tour!

Preschools • The perfect balance of learning and play • Academic curriculum • Locations throughout the Charlotte area

Elementary Schools • Small class sizes • Rigorous academics • Locations in Huntersville and Ballantyne

Popular Teen Internet Hangouts • YouTube, www.youtube.com. YouTube is a video-sharing Web site where users can upload, view and share video clips.

Videos containing potentially offensive content can only be seen by those 18 and older. Nearly 79 million users watched three billion videos in January 2008 alone.

CHESTERBROOK ACADEMY

Summer Camps • Specialty camps • icamp™ technology adventures* • Extended day options *Available at our elementary schools

For information about our 10 Charlotte area preschools and our 2 elementary schools, please call 1-877-498-7352.

ChesterbrookAcademy.com e-mail address book to see who you may already know on the site. If profiles aren’t private, you can contact anyone you find on Facebook.

If the setting is private, the user must approve you as a friend and, in some cases, offer information about how you know each other, before more information is revealed. Users also can join networks with others who have similar interests or Alma Maters in common. Users can block anyone who contacts them or reject them as a friend.

• MySpace, www.myspace.com.

MySpace is a social networking Web site attracting close to 230,000 new registrations per day, and very popular with the middle school set.

The minimum age to register an account is 14. Profiles are automatically set to “private” if the user is 14 or 15. Users who are 16 or older can set their profiles to public or private viewing. MySpace profile pages are as different as the people who use the site. If the page is not listed as private, you can view anyone’s page on MySpace. Using the “browse” feature, anyone can search for a MySpace user 18 and older using

MSR Savvy Parent –

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basic criteria (name, city, school, zip code, etc.).

Only registered MySpace users can contact another user.

• Blog. An online dictionary or journal. Some social web site users link their blogs to their profiles.

Most blogs allow users to post pictures and viewers can comment on blog content. Blogs are linked together using key words.

Online Internet Safety Resources for Parents • NetSmartz, www.netsmartz.org. NetSmartz is an interactive, educational safety resource from the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC) and Boys & Girls Clubs of America (BGCA) for children aged five to 17, parents, guardians, educators, and law enforcement. The site uses age-appropriate, 3-D activities to teach children how to stay safer on the Internet.

• Internet Keep Safe Coalition, www.ikeepsafe.org. iKeepSafe provides families with tools, education and resources to stay safe online and helps parents implement Internet safety strategies.

• Web Wise Kids, www.webwisekids.org. Web Wise Kids is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization dedicated to educating youth about the Internet, and specializes in providing easy to use, school-ap-

34 – MSR Savvy Parent

proved Internet safety education for youth ages 11 to 16.

• WiredSafety, www.wiredsafety.org. WiredSafety provides help, information and education to Internet and mobile device users of all ages. Victims of cyberabuse - ranging from online fraud, cyberstalking and child safety, to hacking and malicious code attacks - can find assistance here.

Internet Safety Tips for Teens • Protect your online reputation. Remember, once a photo or video is posted, it could be copied and displayed anywhere on the Internet without your permission.

• Protect your personal information and use the “private” settings on your page. Never post your full name, Social Security number, phone number, address, or what school you attend. It’s safer to post general information. For example, list the state where you reside, not the city.

• Tell your parents about any inappropriate messages you receive. Do not respond to any messages that make you feel uncomfortable.

• Know how pictures and videos that are taken of you and your friends will be used. A device as simple as a cell phone has the capability to take a video which can be uploaded and posted on the Internet.

Internet Safety Tips for Parents • Educate yourself about the Internet. Explore it on your own, take a class or ask your teen to show you his or her profiles.

• Know what your kids are doing online. If you have rules about the Internet, post them on the computer.

• Don’t let children have a computer in their bedroom, and encourage them to turn the volume up when they are online.

• Become a “friend” on your child’s MySpace or Facebook page. (Keep in mind; they could keep one page for your viewing and another for “real.”)

• Never allow a child to arrange a face-to-face meeting with someone he or she has met online without parental permission. If a meeting is arranged, meet in a public spot and accompany your child.

• Forward any harassing or inappropriate messages to your service provider and ask for their assistance.

• Online services should not be used as electronic baby-sitters.

Summer Specials Beginning June 10th

Family Special (M-F ‘til 5pm)

Sizzling Sundays!

(5pm ‘til Close)

*Bowling $2.99 per Game (Shoes Not Included in Special)* Field Trip Packages Available!

Kid’s Kozmic Bowl Friday Afternoons 35pm Unlimited Bowling $9.

99 per person (includes shoes)

Laser Tag $5.00

(M-Th)

FREE

Birthday Parties

Birthday Package for Birthday Child at NorthCross Lanes Not valid with any other offers.

Call for pricing.

Reservations are required.

Expires 12-31-08

For All Ages!

NorthCross Lanes 16317 Statesville Road I-77 Exit 25 • Huntersville 704.892.7177 www.northcrosslanes.com

IT’S YOUR chIld

MAKE ThE BEST chOIcE

Developing the infinite potential within your child in a nurturing and culturally rich, individualized academic environment.

ThE BRITISh AMERIcAn SchOOl Of chARlOTTE www.britishschool.org

OPEn hOUSE! RSVP 704-341-3236 Tuesday, September 23rd at 9.30 am Thursday, October 9th at 7 pm (Middle School) Thursday, October 23rd at 7 pm Thursday, November 13th at 9.30 am

We offer: UÊ ` Û `Õ> âi`Ê i>À }ÊÊUÊ1« vÀ ÌÊÌÕ Ì ÊV ÃÌÃÊÊÊUÊ- > ÊV >ÃÃÊÃ âiÃÊÊUÊ `Ê Àit Find out what sets us apart from the rest! Visit our Open House, meet our staff and discover a family-focused education at its best.

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