KEYS DISEASE
UPPER KEYS WEEKLY / MAY 27, 2016
Thorough searching? Absolutely! A true story about just how far TSA screening can go…
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CROSSWORD THEME: MEDIEVAL TIMES
L
ong lines at airports courtesy of the TSA Checkpoints are in the news again, especially this Memorial Day holiday weekend. While the wizards in Washington (not the NBA team) try and figure out how to make things work better, and while airports debate hiring their own security crews to keep the lines as short as possible, I will again relate this absolutely true story about what happened to me at a TSA checkpoint. As a matter of background, let me assure you that I do everything possible to get through the TSA checkpoints as smoothly as possible. I usually wear a pullover shirt, elastic waistband pants (no belt), and shoes with no metal inside. I empty the contents of my pockets into the provided trays and let all those possessions go through the x-ray machine. This particular nightmarish incident happened in Tallahassee. At the time, I was Marathon’s Mayor. Also at that time, removal of shoes was not required at all airports. Many times, I’d simply walk through the metal detectors with my shoes still on my feet, pick up my stuff, and head to the gate. Other times, screeners would ask me to wait until they could swab my shoes with some test paper that they’d insert into this machine that would let them know that I wasn’t a terrorist. Then I’d pick up my stuff and head for the gate. JOHN Not this time. As I cleared the metal detector — BARTUS without sounding an alarm — this enormous mouthbreather wearing a TSA uniform motions for me to walk is a City Council down this Plexiglas-lined hallway. As I enter the hallway, member and a former Mayor of and I swear I am not making this up, this lifetime underthe City of Maraachiever sticks his foot out and trips me. No apology, no thon. John is also “excuse me.” I swore. He turned and looked at me as if I a musician who had the number “666” tattooed across my forehead and performs around said, “You don’t have to take the Lord’s name in vain!” town at various establishments. Glaring back at the big lummox, I said, “You didn’t have to trip me now either, did you?!” Still no apology. At this point, I knew I was headed to Hell. I just didn’t know how far down the handbasket was going. My traveling companions, all of whom made it through the checkpoint, are looking back at me and wondering just what offense I’ve committed. “Remove your shoes,” I was commanded. I complied. They were swabbed down and sent through the x-ray machine. “Stand up and spread your legs and hold out your arms.” I did as I was told so the large strawberry-blonde redneck swamp ape could “wand” me with his handheld metal detector. “Stay in that position.” Again, I did as I was told so that this evolutionary throwback could don a pair of rubber gloves and give me a far-too-intimate patdown. Then, the final straw: “I need to look down your pants.” “Excuse me?” “Sir, I need to look down your pants.” So right there, in the middle of this Plexiglas hallway at the Tallahassee Airport’s TSA checkpoint, in plain view of hundreds of passengers and airport employees and whoever else wanted a peek, I stretched out my elastic waistband pants so that this Paleolithic pervert could gaze at my crotch. The last straw having been broken, I unloaded with both barrels. “Is there anything else you’d like to see, sir? Is there any other position I can assume for you, sir? Are you sure you don’t want to perform a personal strip search, sir?” As he backed away from me, red-faced, I said, “I am an elected official in this state. As such, I swore an oath to uphold and defend the Constitution of these United States. You ought to try reading it sometime.” With that, I exited the Plexiglas hallway, picked up my stuff and headed for the gate. • • • • John Bartus performs tonight (Friday) at the Florida Keys Country Club, Saturday afternoon at the Postcard Inn in Islamorada, Saturday night at the Key Colony Inn, Wednesdays at Tarpon Creek, and Thursdays at Sparky’s Landing. www.johnbartus.com
ACROSS 1. Astrologer’s concern, pl. 6. Lamb serving 9. Ranee’s husband 13. Sunday strip 14. Formal vote 15. Rubbernecker 16. “All kidding ____...” 17. *Mythological creature 18. Beginning of a sickness 19. *”Game of ____” 21. Cow chow 23. Detective ____ of “Around the World in Eighty Days” 24. Denim innovator 25. Luftwaffe’s WWII enemy 28. What Caesar did before he saw and conquered 30. Virtual you 35. Black cat, e.g. 37. Boundary line 39. Davy Crockett’s last stand 40. “Do ____ others as...” 41. Became upright 43. Snatch 44. Better than nice 46. Desperate 47. Opposing prefix 48. Perennial garden flower 50. Post-it slip 52. *It gets punished in Dante’s “Inferno” 53. Take a ____ from a jug 55. Tokyo, once 57. *Old norseman 60. *Holy war 64. Singing femme fatale 65. Luau welcome 67. Representative of Allah on earth 68. Cupcake topper 69. Granola grain 70. Opposite of digest 71. 100 centavos 72. Bonanza find 73. *Galahad does this to the Holy Grail
DOWN 1. Ella Fitzgerald’s craft 2. Comedy Central’s “____.O” 3. Gulf V.I.P. 4. Free from 5. Like a longer route? 6. Cleaning cabinet supplies 7. Snakelike fish 8. Blooper 9. “Atlas Shrugged” author 10. Cathedral part 11. Audience’s rejection 12. *Illuminated manuscripts or tapestries, e.g. 15. *Long-haired naked tax-opponent 20. SAT and ACT 22. Female gametes 24. Allowing 25. *Like Arthur’s table 26. Embryo sacs 27. “Bring back!” to Fido 29. *Fermented honey libation 31. Aquarium organism 32. Mountain lakes 33. Stradivari competitor 34. *He stole from the rich and gave to the needy 36. English playwright Coward 38. Continental currency 42. *____ Abelard, Heloise’s unfortunate lover 45. Moving like phoenix 49. Barley bristle 51. Derives a theory 54. Cooler manufacturer 56. Meryl Streep’s “August: ____ County” 57. Biden, e.g. 58. *Fleur-de-lis 59. Bingo-like game 60. Give a ticket 61. Away from wind 62. Floppy storage 63. Newts in terrestrial stage 64. Hot tea amount 66. Listening device