The Catalina Collection Copyright Š 2013 by the Playwrights: Craig Eisenstein; Ashwin Singh; Chantal Snyman and Themi Venturas. Published by: KEEP THE DREAM 144 t/a Catalina UnLtd, 76 Clark Rd, Glenwood, Durban, 4001, 031 2014738 Project Initiator: Themi Venturas Editor: Chantal Snyman Design, layout and printing by: Beetle Inc; Suite 12 Gilro Park, 34 Gillitts Road, Westmead, 031 701 1812, www.beetleinc.co.za All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without the prior permission of the playwrights and the publisher. The collection is not to be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. This collection is available in print and electronically ISBN Print 978-0-9922029-0-3 ISBN Electronic 978-0-9922029-1-0 This publication was made possible through the generous sponsorship of the National Lotteries Distribution Trust Fund (NLDTF) and the EThekwini Municipality.
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The Catalina Collection Copyright Š 2013 by the Playwrights: Craig Eisenstein; Ashwin Singh; Chantal Snyman and Themi Venturas. Published by: KEEP THE DREAM 144 t/a Catalina UnLtd, 76 Clark Rd, Glenwood, Durban, 4001, 031 2014738 Project Initiator: Themi Venturas Editor: Chantal Snyman Design, layout and printing by: Beetle Inc; Suite 12 Gilro Park, 34 Gillitts Road, Westmead, 031 701 1812, www.beetleinc.co.za All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without the prior permission of the playwrights and the publisher. The collection is not to be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. This collection is available in print and electronically ISBN Print 978-0-9922029-0-3 ISBN Electronic 978-0-9922029-1-0 This publication was made possible through the generous sponsorship of the National Lotteries Distribution Trust Fund (NLDTF) and the EThekwini Municipality.
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Contents
In Search of the Water Pg 5 Themi Venturas Biography Pg 7 De Compleat Hstry Of Dbn (without the boring bits!) by Themi Venturas Pg 8 Chantal Snyman Biography Pg 41 Frank by Chantal Snyman Pg 42 Ashwin Singh Biography Pg 65 Spice ‘n Stuff by Ashwin Singh Pg 66 Craig Eisenstein Biography Pg 111
Your Hand In My Pocket by Craig Eisenstein
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In Search of the Water An artistic vision for our time… Themi Venturas (At the time of writing the foreword, Themi Venturas was the Artistic Director of the Catalina UnLtd. Currently, he remains founder of the Catalina Theatre, and a director on the board.)
Water is fast becoming a scarce commodity on the planet, or so we are told by the conservationists and geoscientists of the world. In fact, some have even said that this commodity may be the cause of wars of the future. In my mind, water has always been symbolic of the ‘new’ culture that is emerging worldwide* and especially in South Africa where varied hegemonies are competing for dominance. What is water? H2O – Two parts Hydrogen and one part Oxygen brought together by a catalyst to make water - that life giving substance without which we would perish. Hey, but guess what, without Hydrogen and Oxygen in their respective pure forms we would also perish. Artists can be likened to alchemists experimenting with the ‘pure’ raw materials of culture throwing them into the crucible of performance, providing the flame, the catalyst of passion, and hoping that the cultural ‘water’ of the future will emerge. Some cultural activists are determined that their life’s work should be the preservation of the ‘purity’ of their specific culture and are determined to promote their own cultural hegemony to the detriment of all others. These practitioners are entitled to their opinion and endeavour for without the ‘hydrogen’ or ‘oxygen’ our artistic soul would lose something of itself, which could lead to its ultimate death. Catalina UnLtd campaigns on occasion to preserve all of our cultures in their ‘pure’ form for posterity, for a sense of history, for a clearer knowledge of whence we have come. More importantly, we strive to find the ‘water’, which could be the future culture of our nation, a culture that enables and unifies our people in a common spirit - a spirit of social cohesion. We realize that many of our experiments may fail in the same way that scientific and medical research fails time and again, until the ‘cure’ is found. These failures may make some audience members rethink their patronage of our shows in the short-term, but we hope in time to develop a product that will be world-class and that theatre patrons will realize is worth supporting. Gradually we hope audiences will become braver and come to see the ‘new’ work and eventually even become avid supporters of the ‘new’ voice of, South Africa, telling the stories that need to be told - our stories, the ‘water’ without which we will surely perish. After all, the most iconic South African contributions to the world canon of theatre have been South African stories told in a South African way by South African artists. We salute, Athol Fugard, Barney Simon, John Kani, Brian Astbury, Yvonne Bryceland, Gibson Kente, Percy Mtwa, Wintson Tshona, Mbongeni Ngema, Ronnie and Kessie Govender, John Ledwaba, Maishe Maponya, William Kentridge, Paul Slabolepzy, Greig Coetzee and the many other SA pioneers who have shared the South African ‘voice’ with the world. From the outset the Catalina Theatre set out to be the ‘hatchery’ of this experiment. We have hosted the premieres of at least 2 – 3 new works per annum over the first 10 years of our existence. This collection in celebration of our 10th anniversary and was made possible by the support of the National Lottery Distribution Trust Fund (NLDTF) and the Ethekwini Municipality, is a collection of 4 of these plays published and preserved for all time. Themi Venturas * It is clear that the European Festivals Association chose this subject matter for their world congress in 2008 as it is becoming a global trend. The migration of cultures throughout the world brought about by a variety of political and economic pressures is quickly forcing cultural organizations worldwide to look beyond their own hegemonies at a more inclusive model.
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Themi Venturas Biography
Themi Venturas regards himself as an ‘accidental playwright’ or rather a ‘playmaker’. He was drawn to writing works per force rather than than out of a need to be an actual playwright. Mr Venturas has been a playmaker and director for 30 years and has written several successful scripts mainly in the musical theatre genre including the award-winning Taxi Jam, the Suzie Johnson Trilogy (Shoo-Bop, Shoo-Bop! Good Vibrations and Staying Alive!), the Guitar that Rocked the World, School that Rocks!, Cantina Tequila, Jamaican Jam and Air Guitar. He has been instrumental in the making of Jimbo and the world’s first Zulu operas - The Princess Magogo Ka DinuZulu by Mzilkazi Khumalo and Ziyankomo by Phelelani Mnomiya. He has recently completed the libretto for the first SA Gospel musical/Opera entitled The African Passion. De Compleat Hstry of Dbn (without the boring bits!) was inspired by the works of the Reduced Shakespeare Company. Mr Venturas created this work to have fun with the history of KZN and specifically the city of Durban. This work is an attempt to create a work that celebrates the histories of all the cultures and diverse people of the region in a fun style. It is a work designed to allow audiences from a diverse cultural and historical background to come together in a single audience to laugh and enjoy each other. The historical events are true but the cast and writer exersized some poetic licence with regard to the stories behind the historical events - hence, hysterical history. The play is designed to be played by 5 very versatile actors and 1 musician.
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De Compleat Hstry Of Dbn (without the boring bits!) Written and devised by Themi Venturas The play premiered as the Christmas production at the Catalina Theatre on the 5 December 2007. Director: Themi Venturas Original Cast: Hamish Kyd Holly Boulind Frank Graham Mpume Mthombeni Kajal Bagwandeen/Mayuri Naidu Cast of characters: Frank Hamish (Mish) Clare Mpume Mayuri
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ACT I The set consists of a giant advent calendar that includes a long illustrated timeline depicting people and 12 major events from the history of Durban. On the one side of the stage is a screen and projector on which we see old photographs and type script! The slides keep changing. As the audience enters they see a picture reel of old photos of Durban. These are interspersed with the title of the play as follows: De Compleat Hstry of Dbn (Without the boring bits) Picture Reel De Compleat Hstry of Dbn (Without the boring bits) ….will begin in 15 minutes Picture reel De Compleat Hstry of Dbn (Without the boring bits) …..will begin in 10 minutes Picture reel De Compleat Hstry of Dbn (Without the boring bits) …..will begin in 5 minutes Picture reel De Compleat Hstry of Dbn (Without the boring bits) …..should gave begun but……is late! When they arrive we believe they should be asked… Why are you late? Will you please help us with that? Let’s practice…. On the count of three… 1, 2, 3…. Why are you late? That was pathetic people! Where’s your Festive spirit? Let’s try it again… On the count of three… 1, 2, 3…..! Why are you late? The Catalina Collection 2013
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Much better! So now we wait a while! Picture reel They’ve arrived Standby…. On the count of three! Why are you late? That’s telling them! Ok folks! It’s showtime! De Compleat Hstry of Dbn (Without the boring bits) The cast enter and sing: THE CITY THAT WAS BORN ON CHRISTMAS HEY, GOOD PEOPLE IT’S THAT FESTIVE TIME OF YEAR AGAIN SO WE THOUGHT WE’D HAVE A CELEBRATION A CELEBRATION OF US AND THE CITY THAT WAS BORN ON CHRISTMAS SO LEAVE YOUR CARES OUTSIDE AND TAKE A DEEP BREATH DON’T BE SHY, DON’T BE COY BE ALIVE, AND BE AFRAID CAUSE TONIGHT WE CELEBRATE THE CITY THAT WAS BORN ON CHRISTMAS 1: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I’m Claire 2: I’m Mpume 3: I’m Hamish 4: I’m Mayuri 5: I’m Frank and welcome to tonight’s performance of... All: ...De Compleat Hstry of DBN Mish: (without the boring bits) Clare: Tonight we explore the history of a great city. But before we do, I’m sure many of you are wondering, “Why? Well, I’m sure there are as many answers to that question as there are members of tonight’s cast. Mpume, why don’t you start? Mpume: Thank you, Clare, and in the tradition of the white Anglo-Saxon Imperialist Capitalist Intellectual Colonialists…I will be brief. Someone once said “History is written by the winners.” Well, tonight it’s our turn. Clare? PAGE 10
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Clare: Uh, thank you, Mpume. Hamish? Mish: What? Clare: Well, would you like to explain why we’re doing this show? Mish: Oh...right. Before we started doing this show I didn’t know a span about Durban history, so I started to read up on it - you know, like in books, the internet ‘n stuff. And I took a span of notes. I’ve got them here somewhere... (Finds the notes…they’re a real mess) I see this show as about remembering…Remembering the past. Because it’s like that old saying: (Looks at the notes) “Those of us who forget the past are doomed to, (can’t find his place in the notes) you know, forget other things, (now totally lost, can’t find the place in the notes) like your car keys, or even your own phone number.” So I see this show as like a Fridge magnet note on the refrigerator of life. A Fridge Magnet that says, “Hey Durban! Don’t forget to tune in.” ‘Cause it’s only through remembering our past that we can learn from our mistakes, or at least blame them on somebody else, and then move on, into a better future. Free of all forms of racism, sexism, ageism, weightism, hair-colorism, making-funism, and Godism. And you may say that I’m a moron, and I say to you, yes. But I’m a moron with a dream, and that, my friends, is the most dangerous kind of moron. Clare: Thank you, Hamish. That was powerful. Mayuri? Mayuri: It’s about setting things right... Clare: Ok, Frank, it’s up to you, one last point of view and let’s hope this will crystallize for you (the audience) why exactly it is we’re doing the Complete History of Durban…. Mish: Without the boring bits! Mayuri: and with music! Mpume: and introducing on various musical instruments... Frank: In fact, I think it’s very simple. Some time ago we received a letter from a ten-year old girl named Amy who lives in Cape Town, in the Western Cape. Amy writes (he takes out the letter and reads) “Dear guys, I think it would be fun for you guys to condense all of Cape Town’s history, because you are so hysterical and gorgeous and intelligent and wise. Love and kisses, your fan forever, Amy.” Well, Amy, this is the kind of letter that pisses us off! Did it occur to you that maybe we have no interest whatsoever in Cape Town’s history? Why can’t Durbanites do Durban history? Where do all you Capetonians get off with this cultural superiority complex? Mpume: We’ve got a culture, too, y’know, and a history. Clare: Yeah, and it may not be as long as yours but it’s like my mother always said, “It’s not the length of your history, it’s what you’ve done with it.” Frank: And when we looked into it, we realized that many Durbanites are at best uninformed or at worst embarrassed about our own history. Clare: Well, dammit, we’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about! We brought the world its first bunny chow!
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Mish: And Penny Heyns… Frank: Yeah! And surfing… Mayuri: and Gorima’s Mpume: and Mbongeni Ngema Frank: So, don’t go telling us we don’t have a culture and a history, little smarty pants Amy! Clare: So, hang on, people, we got a lot to accomplish in the next ninety minutes. Mish: Let’s do it! (They come together for a high-five.) All: Go...US! (Music plays as the cast set up the scene) Clare: We begin at the beginning...Portugal… Mish: Hey you witous always think history begins and ends with you... Frank: You’ll have your turn! Like we said Portugal. It’s dinner time in the humble home of… (Dons blatantly 20c false beard and classical hat) Vasco da Gama. (The rest of this scene is played with seriously thick Porra/or South African Portuguese accents. Vasco is on the phone.) Frank/Vasco: Listen, Manuel make sure that ship is finished yesterday! I can’t take it anymore, this woman is driving me to drink! (Pours himself a drink) I have to get out of here! Mish/Anna: (Wearing a fat suit and woman’s period dress and an outrageous wig) Vashco! Vashco! (Vasco spits his drink all over audience when he sees her) Frank/Vasco: Who are you? Mish/Anna: I’m your wife, Anna Maria Jesus Delphino Consuella da Gama! But you may just call me “Mi Amore”….. Frank: This is not fair! Where’s management! Why can’t any one of the good looking ones play the role of my wife? Where’s Clare or Mayuri? Clare: It’s to do with gender equity! (She exits) Frank: Well OK then, as long as there is no love scene! (Indicates to Hamish to carry on) Anna Maria: Vashco! Vasco: Shaddup, woman! I’m on the telephone! (Into the phone) Look, buddy, I... (He hangs up) Great! You just lost me a customer. I hope you’re happy, Anna- Maria!
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Anna Maria: You know what would make me happy? If, just once ,when I sent you out for food you didn’t come back with fish! (She slaps him with a large stuffed fish.) Vasco: But Anna Maria this is God’s food! Anna Maria: I’m sick of it. Bacalau, bacalau, nothing but bacalau! Vasco: But I get a good deal on bacalau… (More latecomers are let in…or a few staff members enter at this point to watch the show) Anna-Maria, who are these people you’re bringing into my living room? Anna Maria: That’s another thing, Vashco , every time we get into an argument, you have friends over!” Vasco: Oh, no, these are not my friends! My friends would have been on time! (Turns on audience) Excuse me why were you so late? (Elicits an answer) You missed the introductions, I’m Frank and this is Hamish! (Clare, Mayuri and Mpume enter quite livid) Clare: Where are they? Typical Durban, always someone late! Mpume: You missed the bit when I said it’s our turn... Mish: and when I said ‘You may say that I’m a moron!’ That was pretty funny. Clare: And I said, it’s not the length of your history, it’s what you’ve done with it Mayuri: and bunny chows… Frank: Well the only thing I did was... (He spit-sprays a fine mist of water all over them. Then gets back onstage) Where the hell were we? (Scene resumes and the women exit the stage.) Anna Maria: Well, we wouldn’t need a good deal on bacalau if you had managed to find that SPICE ROUTE TO THE EAST! Get us more spices! My parents told me not to marry you. They said, “Marry a nice boy, like that Italian Christopher Columbus. Now there’s someone that is going places!” Vasco: Well, maybe if I had a wife who gave me a little support every now and then. Anna Maria: What do you mean? Do I or do I not work hours behind this measly shop counter of your’s selling stuffs to snotty nosed children who want their change instead of taking the Chappies I offer. Oh, no! It’s not my fault. You are worthless, Vashco! Worthless!! Vasco: I am not worthless! I am trying to make a name for myself, that’s all. I have a dream, which is something you will never understand. (The phone rings) ‘Ello, Bravo Manuel, I could kiss you! What do you mean you’re not Greek? Listen, just load the tomatsh, potash, guavsh and everything else, I’m on my way!’ I’m sorry, Anna Maria, but I have to go. (The women enter dressed like sailors with an array of wacky musical instruments. They hand Frank a ship’s wheel The Catalina Collection 2013
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for steering and place a Captain’s hat on his head) I can’t stay here any longer. I have to be something! All that I can be!! I’ll find you your spices, mi amore! I’m off to discover a larger world. You will never see me again. (Handing her the wine bottle) When you drink that wine, and eat this fish (Throws her the stuffed fish), remember me. Anna Maria: (Wailing) Vashco!!! (Route 66 without vocals plays and the cast sing as the ship, sails. The panorama can be changed at this point to a map of Africa, and a puppet with a sail and mast over his head can represent Vasco) Vasco: I HAVE A PLAN TO SAIL TO THE EAST TO GET THE SPICES FOR ANNA MARIA’S FEAST NO MORE TRICKS ON THE SPICE ROUTE TO THE EAST WE GONNA PASS MOROCCO ALONG THE WAY TRAVELING SOUTH IN THE MEANTIME EVERY DAY NO MORE TRICKS ON THE SPICE ROUTE TO THE EAST WE STOP BRIEFLY AT SOME ISLANDS MAYBE THE CANARY’S CLING TO OUR DREAMS AND CHEAP WINE LOAD UP ON ESSENTIALS CHEW ON SALTED BEEF SET SAIL PAST WEST AFRICA PASSING THE NIGER, THE CONGO ANGOLA AND ST HELENA PASS THE CAPE OF STORMS WITHOUT A HITCH NEED FRESH VEGGIES, GETTING SCURVY, AND AN ITCH START TO SCRATCH ON THE SPICE ROUTE TO THE EAST Clare: In 1497 on December 16, after a long, treacherous voyage, following the maps drawn by Bartholomew Dias, Vasco passed the Fish River which was where Dias turned back. He sailed on reaching a stretch of coast with a natural harbour behind a promontory... Mish: Otherwise known as the Bluff… Clare: Indeed! And on Christmas day he named this stretch of land, Terra do Natalia….which is derived from the Portuguese and means Christmas Country. Of course there are those who believe that he mistakenly thought that the bay was the estuary of a river and called the place Rio do Natalia or for the uninitiated Christmas River, but either way Natalia was the name used in history, hence, the city that was born on Christmas! (The music modulates and the cast repeat the chorus of the first song) SO LEAVE YOUR CARES OUTSIDE AND TAKE A DEEP BREATH DON’T BE SHY, DON’T BE COY BE ALIVE, AND BE AFRAID ‘CAUSE TONIGHT WE CELEBRATE THE CITY THAT WAS BORN ON CHRISTMAS
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Sailor: Vashco, what you think, should we stop? Vasco: Don’t be silly, we have already established a perfectly good port in Delagoa Bay. Sailor: Que? Vasco: Later it became known as Lorenzo Marques… Sailor: Que Vasco: Maputo! All: Oh! (Brief black out, and lights come up on Mpume.) Mpume: I’m sorry guys but this was not the beginning! Clare: What do you mean? Mpume: The story of the First People begins long before the European invasion of the native settlements in Africa. Frank: That’s true, it is said that Phoenicians rounded these parts in around 600BC but it doesn’t fit on our timeline. Mpume: Well then the timeline is rubbish. Mish: It’s not rubbish, it’s just incomplete... (He reveals a timeline extension, which he attaches to the previous timeline. It depicts world events, real and fictional, between 10, 000 BC and 1497.) Hey, guys! Take a look at this… Clare: What’s that? Mish: It’s a supplementary timeline which I prepared earlier. (Mpume shakes her head in disgust and exits.) Frank: Good thinking. Mish: It covers all historic events prior to 1497. Clare: Okay, I’ll buy that. Create more of a “Big Picture” sort-a-thing. (Hamish starts unfurling the timeline and heads into the audience if he can.) Mayuri: All right, we’re going back in time, ladies and gentlemen. Back to when the first people came to South Africa. Where are you now, Hamish? Mish: I’m at the Crucifixion of Christ, and I can tell you aIl, that I don’t see Mel Gibson anywhere. Clare: Well, don’t stop there. Keep going. (Hamish is by now unfurling the timeline up the aisle.)
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Mish: Okay, Ancient Romans, Ancient Greeks, Ancient Egyptians, Invention of the written word…Listen, ous, it’s getting kind of cold back here. Frank: That’s ‘cause you’re near the Ice Age, man. You better get back up here; you’re not really dressed for it. That’s far enough anyway. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re about 100,000 years back now and scientists speculate through carbon dating and several cave paintings that the first people in this region where in fact the Khoisan….. Mish: Otherwise known as the Bushmen! (There is a drumroll. And Mayuri enters as a characature of Saartjie Baartman) Mayuri: My people are not so interested in what scientists have to say. We have our own stories of how the world began. (Mayuri begins to chant like a sangoma and the rest of the cast excluding Mpume sit on the stage, on either side of Mayuri with African drums. Mayuri attempts to begin her speech three times, but each time she is inadvertently interrupted by cast members who are focused on pounding the drums.) Mayuri: Cut it out! (Now they tap lightly on the drums) At the beginning of all beginnings all was water. To the North...was water. To the South...was water. To the East...was water. And to the West...you guessed it...more water. And so, the water was everywhere, and everything was totally wet. How the water came to be, nobody knows... (The cast stop playing.) Clare: Okay, we get the water. Just get on with it! Mayuri: Hey, the water’s important. It’s archetypal. So back off. Okay. (Trying to remember her place in the story) Okay...okay...water North, water South, everything wet. Okay, okay, okay! Now, living above the water there was an African EagleOwl. As he soared above the water he spotted... Mish: A duck! Mayuri: No, a turtle! Anyway the African Eagle-Owl says to the turtle, “Dive down under the water and see what you can find.” So, the turtle dives down and comes up with mud and roots. And the wise African Eagle-Owl spread the mud all around and so he created Gondwanaland. He made the hills, mountains, valleys and hollows. Mish: The Bluff! Clare: What is it with you and the Bluff? Mayuri: (Emphatically, annoyed by the interruption)… And he planted the roots and grew up grasses, plants and trees. Then the wise African Eagle-Owl took a handful of mud and blew into it and made male animals and female animals. He made female turtles, which made the turtle happy, I can tell you. And there was a great splashing and gnashing of …you know?! And finally, Eagle - Owl made the first man and the first woman out of mud and there was a great copulation...and it was good. (The cast stop playing.) Mish: Now, at this point, doesn’t the tribal shaman usually perform a dance? PAGE 16
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Mayuri: Right! At this point, the tribal shaman performs Hiu! Hiu! He! He! He! I! (She breaks into a shamanistic dance) Frank: What’s that? Mayuri: That’s a very holy dance. It’s the dance of the Antelope’s Intestine. Well if you don’t like it then why don’t you as the Elder of this group do the honors? Frank: I’d be delighted. (Frank pulls a long uninflated balloon out of his pocket. The cast take their places at the African Drums. Frank performs some sacred gestures with the balloon.) Clare: Okay, (like a sportscaster) the Elder has his Intestine in hand and the dance is ready to begin. First, the Elder performs a dance of blessing. Mayuri: He asks blessing on the corn, that it might be bountiful. (Throws yellow paper into the air) Mish: He asks blessing on the rain that it will be plentiful. (Throws pieces of clear plastic into the air) Clare: He asks blessing on the hunters, that they may be brave and virile... (Frank inflates the balloon using a foot pump. It looks most phallic) Clare: It’s quite upright Frank: Eat your heart out. Mayuri: Now the Elder performs the Nine Ceremonial Twists of the Antelope’s Intestine. The first three twists represent the star, moon, and sky Clare: The constant companions of the antelope… Mayuri: The second three twists represent the father, mother, and child Clare: The family of the antelope… Mayuri: And the final three twists represent earth, wind, and fire… Mish: The favorite band of the antelope! He was obviously a bruin ou. (They all pounce on Hamish and beat him up) Mayuri: And finally the Elder brings forth the image of the antelope! Frank: (Holding up a balloon dog) Arf! Arf! Clare: Give it up for the tribal Elder! And if you don’t believe us ,you can check this up on any cave painting in the Drakensberg! (Frank presents the balloon animal to a member of the audience. Mpume enters the stage at this point, dressed like Shaka, but wearing trousers.)
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Mpume: Haai man, uyadlala man, I’m waiting a long time backstage! Skip to the part where the Nguni nations moved South from East Africa and the many tribes were made into one, by me, King Shaka, the founder of the great Zulu nation! Mish: But Mpume, King Shaka was a man. You can’t play the role; we are bound to offend someone. Mpume: Hey wena, you played da Gama’s wife! Gender equity… I’m playing Shaka tonight and I’m wearing trousers, Umlazi! So get on with it! Frank: Right-o, Oh Mighty Shaka… (They all start to sing “Bayete Inkosi” and open window two of the Advent calendar . The preincorporation contract) Mpume: I am the Mighty Elephant, son of Senzagakhona, son of Jama, son of Ndaba, son of Mageba, son of Zulu, son of Malandela… Mish: Did she say Mandela? All: Sshsshhh! Mpume: I am the spear that conquered! I united the tribes under my command and amassed a great army by assimilating all those that I defeated. All healthy men became soldiers, the rest were thrown off the rocks… Mish: Shaka’s Rock! All: Sshhh! Mpume: We lived further up the coast at KwaDukuza, Mayuri: Later known as Stanger, and full of my ancestors. But more of that later, (Mpume glares at her) sorry, lahnee! Mpume: On this spot, called eThekwini, or the bull’s testicle… because of the shape of the bay. I settled one of my great regiments, on the hilltop Ukhangela! Clare: I think it’s time for our song now, Frank! Mpume: Uyazi, lomlungu !!! Clare: What? You’ve told us your story, time to move on! This is the history of Durban; you know not the history of the Zulu nation! Mish: Ja, and it’s time to talk about the creation of the Bruin ous! (The cast all sing led by Clare and Frank) ‘TWAS 1685, IN THE FINE OL’ MONTH OF MAY, THAT THE SHIP GOOD HOPE WAS STRANDED IN DURBAN BAY IT WAS DRIVEN ASHORE BY AN ALMIGHTY STORM JOHN ADAMS AND CREW MADE THE BLUFF THEIR HOME THEY BEFRIENDED THE NGUNI, WHO WERE CARING AND KIND PAGE 18
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BUT THEY HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE WHITE MAN HAD IN MIND THEY SHAGGED SOME ZULU MAIDENS, AND THEN THEY DID DEPART ON A SHIP THEY CALLED THE CENTAUR, THEY CLEARLY HAD NO HEART. NINE MONTHS DID PASS AND BABES WERE BORNE WITH A SOMEWHAT FAIRER SKIN THEY WERE DRIVEN SOUTH, BY NGUNI MEN TO JOIN THE GRIQUA KING AND TO THIS DAY, IT CAN BE SAID, ALTHOUGH SOME HISTORIANS DISAGREE THAT DESCENDANTS OF THE “BRUIN OUS” TO ADAM KOK WERE LED. Mish: (Underscored by music) It happened about 350 years ago, in England. The king was in his counting house, counting all his money. He discovered that the marcha was short, so he sent the royal guard to the bars on the docks to gather some sailors. He gave them a few ships and told them to go colonize Durban in Africa. They spent eight years on the high seas. By the time they reached Durban they were starving for much more than food. ‘Cause why? They had left their ‘vrous’ in England. Plus too that time gays were very, very deep in the closet. Whilst docked in a small bay, they hit a walk to the mouth of the Umgeni River. They saw some Zulu “stekkies” collecting water from the river. All they wore were little beaded skirts. The ous immediately got very excited ‘cause they were used to their cherries that wore long dresses with like steel reinforcement. So instead of Tweety, the bird, being in a cage , the pussycat, ou Sylvester, was in the cage. The Zulu maidens made it worst when they decided to race back to the kraal. Tits and arses were jumping all over the place and the sailors couldn’t bear it! So, they colonized them, and the” bruin ou” was invented. If he had blue eyes, it was a bonus! (The cast come in with the song again) TWO YEARS ALMOST DID PASS, TILL STORMS DID MORE WHITE MEN BRING THE NGUNI TRIBES UNITED ARE, WITH SHAKA NOW THEIR KING FRANCES FAREWELL THINKS THE TRADE IS FAIR AND AN OUTPOST TO CREATE WHICH REMAINS UNTIL THE PRESENT DAY, THOUGH MUCH MORE INDIAN OF LATE FYNN AND FAREWELL BECAME MATES WITH THE ROYAL ZULU KING FYNN RUSSLES UP SOME TREATMENTS THAT PROVE JUST THE THING SO THE KING OF THE ZULUS GRANTS THEM LAND TO CREATE A TRADING POST AND PORT NATAL FINALLY COMES OF AGE, POUR A DRINK, LET’S HAVE A TOAST… All: CHEERS Clare: The little settlement lived and traded with the Zulu in peace for more than 6 years. They traded ivory, hippopotamus tusks, buffalo hides, cattle and maize. Mish: Not to mention the Zulu maidens that came to be married to these men. Clare: But this apparent peaceful bliss was not to last! Mpume: First Shaka was murdered by Dingane his half brother! Frank: And then the missionaries arrived! (Musical punctuation while a table is brought into centre stage with two stools and several tankards. Frank and Clare play boozing settlers.) Frank: (Cornish accent) Aargh! Have you heard about the new fella that’s arrived? A Captain Bloody Allen Francis Gardiner. The Catalina Collection 2013
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Clare: (Scots accent) Ooh Aye! I heard he’s a bible punchin’ Sassenach! Here to spoil our fun! Frank: He asked Dingane’s permission to establish a mission station and has been refused. Clare: Bloody right! We don’t need him interfering. Frank: Well maybe that would’ve been better. Now he’s gone and started the mission station right here on our doorstep! Right up there on the ridge, overlooking the bay, called the place Berea! Clare: Oi! Intobazane! Bring us some moor of that blessed grog of yers! Frank: Listen ‘ere, Fynn. You gonna have to slow down on the number of wives you’ve taken boyo! This holier than thou geezer is gonna cramp your style! Clare: I’ll stay out of his way if he stays outa mine! Mayuri: (Town crier) Hear ye! Hear ye! The honourable Captain Allen Gardiner hereby proclaims a name change to the newly established town. All those wanting to contribute to suggestions for the name change should submit suggestions by midday tomorrow, after which the name changing committee will vote and come up with the new name. Frank: What do we need to change the name for? Clare: Aye, do you realize that we will have to spend hours and money reprinting our business cards. Doesn’t this git realize we are trying to run a profitable trading post here? Mayuri: Don’t shoot me I’m just the messenger. The city manager says the name change will take place either way so you can contribute or just be left out of the process! Mpume: I think it should be called Ethekwini, as of old! Frank: Doesn’t that mean Bull’s testicile? I tell you what mate, use that name and it could cause real embarrassment sometime in the future! Imagine explaining that to your overseas hosts when invited to state dinners?! (A big laugh from all.) Clare: What about Fynnlands after me?! Mish: The best you gonna get is a suburb on the bluff one day! Mayuri: What about Victoria, after the beloved queen?! Frank: Nothing doing mate, they’ve named one of the towns in the prison colony after her already. Mpume: I know, what about Langilabalele , after the man who brought you all supplies with that young Scot ,John Ross?. Clare: No too much of a mouthful. If we are to develop tourism, that won’t do. Imagine the rest of the world trying to book a trip to Langile-whatever? Mish: You know the cost of changing the name of the new town could build many homes for the homeless. PAGE 20
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Mpume: Don’t confuse issues with a ‘real’ cause. Mayuri: Hear ye, hear ye! Despite a call for positive suggestions by the town manager, it was found that the populous have not entered into the right, forward thinking spirit of reconciliation and nation building! For this reason, and in the interests of currying favour with the current rulers, who I might add, hold the key to all opportunity, we have decided to rename the new town after the Governor of the Cape, Sir Benjamin D’urban. Mish: Benjamin? All: No idiot! DURBAN! Clare: That has an exotic ring to it! I can hear it now echoing all over the world. DURBAN – where the fun never sets! Frank: It’ll never happen. Not with this missionary fella in charge! Mpume: So what happened next? Frank: Die Boere!!! (He unveils another advent which says Republic of Natalia.) BOERE MEDLEY VAT JOU GOED EN TREK RETIEFIE, VAT JOU GOED EN TREK VAT JOU GOED EN TREK RETIEFIE, VAT JOU GOED EN TREK TREK DAAR DOER OOR DIE BERGE, TREK DAAR DOER OOR DIE BERGE VAT JOU GOED EN TREK HOE RY DIE BOERE SIT SIT SO, SIT SIT SO, SIT SIT SO HOE RY DIE BOERE SIT SIT SO, SIT SIT SO, HURRAH! Mpume: Ok enough! You can’t expect me to sing more than this! Frank: (Now donning a suitably boer looking outfit) Ja nee mense! In 1837 Piet Retief arrives in Durban, after trekking overland from the Cape to escape ‘die donnerse Engelsmanne’ and what does he find? More donnerse Engelsmanne! I’d rather talk to the ‘swart’ man. So, he settles further inland and establishes his new capital called Pietermaritzburg; a town which is to remain the centre of many capital town debates throughout history. Mpume: Bulala Mthakathi. Kill the Wizards! One head ,one knobkerrie! Mayuri: A war cry which was to be redefined many decades later. Mpume: One by one Retief and his henchmen were killed by Dingane. Dingane turned on all the settlers! Mish: What? Clare: The natives are revolting. Mish: I know. Did you ever eat with one of ‘em? Clare: Duh!
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Frank: And so it was that Dingane’s forces attacked the boers and decimated them in the area now known as the place of weeping or Weenen as we Afrikaners prefer to call it. Even the British settlers came to help but they were klapped by Dingane at the battle of Thukela and that bangbroek Dick King was one of the few that escaped. They were chased into the sea and survived because you know black ous don’t like to swim. So they were safe for the time being. Dingane destroyed their village and occupied the port for nine days. Mish: But then he got bored an waaied! Frank: So finally, die Boere got die moer in and decided to fight back. They klapped Dingane at the Battle of Blood River with the help of a few cannons, and feeling bullish they hoisted their flag and founded “Die Republiek van Natalia” Mayuri: You know what I don’t understand? How come the guys who married Zulu women where seemingly all Scottish? Frank: What’s that got to do with the scene we’re doing? Mayuri: Nothing, I was just wondering…I mean think about it, Fynn, Field, Kyd and Dunn Mish: Ja , they say this of the descendants of John Dunn…”Some were under-dunn, some were over-dunn Frank: So then, we laid siege to the British Garrison, but that bangbroek Dick King rode off on his horse to get help from Grahamstown. He was such a bangbroek he didn’t even go alone, he had to take his ‘swartman’ Ndongeni with him. But do you see a statue of Ndongeni on the Victoria Embankment today? Mpume: Margaret Mncadi Avenue, Frank: What? Mpume: It’s now called Margaret Mncadi Avenue and not the Victoria Embankment Frank: Who’s she? Mpume: I don’t know! Frank: Whatever! As I said before, do you see any statue of Ndongeni on his horse on Margaret Maddy Avenue? No, only one of that bangbroek Dick; appropriate name, Dick! Clare: Frank, you’re getting worked up! Let’s just skip to the part where the Boers are sent off packing by her Majesty’s superior forces and settle further inland, in the so called Orange Free State. The chaps made an appeal to her Majesty Queen Victoria and at last Durban is annexed by the crown and is now an official British colony. All: (Victorious) Tantararaa! Mish: Shall we have a constitution? Clare: Yes, let’s. Mish: Shall we smoke? Clare: Why the hell not? (They puff away; it’s obviously Marijuana/Zol) Awfully good! What is it? PAGE 22
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Mish: Something that the locals call Durban Poison. Clare: Great stuff to be smoking while constitution making! Frank: Well then, what shall we use as our motto? Clare: I know what about “Tax and Spend” ? Frank: No, no, too liberal. How about this? “Don’t tax, but still spend” ? Mish: No, too conservative, I think. Here’s what it should be: “Whether you’re a brother or whether you’re a mother, you’re staying alive, staying alive.” Clare: No, that’s too Seventies. Mayuri: What about, “Better fortune follows a humble beginning!”? Clare & Frank: Ok that’s sounds like it could do! Mish: Cool. Now, I would also propose that we draw up a Bill of Wrongs. All: Yeah, great idea! Clare: As I see it, Article 1 could forbid leaving toilet seats up. Mayuri: Article 2 could forbid plumbers from wearing their trousers in such a manner that their cracks show. Mish: Article 3 could forbid flatulence in elevators, once they’re invented, off course. Are we in agreement? Clare & Frank: (Positively goofed by now) Totally bru… Frightfully good way to govern don’t you think? Mayuri: You think we joking? You should see the city’s by-laws people, they could only have been written up by people on drugs. Have you ever tried to advertise a show on a pole in this city? They’re still on drugs! Mpume: Ha! Ha! Ha! What’s going on here? Get these guys backstage, Mayuri ,try to straighten them out. (They leave giggling) Great! I’ll get the audience ready for the next scene. Let’s see, we’ve covered about 50,000 years of Durban’s history in thirty-five minutes. Are there any questions? No? Okay, well think about it, save them up and in the second act we’ll give you the chance to ask us any serious question about Durb’s history. Go out to the foyer. Talk amongst yourselves. Do not make eye contact. We’ll meet you back here in 20 minutes. This conversation never happened. Shhhhh! (Puts a finger to her lips as the lights fade.) THE END OF ACT ONE The Screens kicks in and the History reel continues De Compleat Hstry of Dbn (Without the boring bits) The Catalina Collection 2013
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INTERVAL 20 mins Picture Reel De Compleat Hstry of Dbn (Without the boring bits) …so far… Da Gama’s so called discovery of Natalia and Creation of the world pre 1497 Nguni Tribes United under Shaka Fynn and Farewel establish trading post- Port Natal Captain Frances Allan Gardiner changes name to Durban Boers Arrive Zulu Wars Britain Officially Colonizes Port Natal Picture Reel THE COMPLEAT HSTRY OF DBN (Without the boring bits)
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ACT II (In the darkness, we hear the sounds of a major storm) Mayuri: Hear Ye! Hear Ye! It is the year 1856 and severe thunderstorms lash the coast . Many low lying areas are flooded and the Umgeni River rises to the extent that it flows over its banks, through town and into the bay at Cato’s Creek. Nine feet of water (about 3 m) floods the insides of buildings like the new Sugar Mill on the Springfield Flats (now known as Springfield Park). Movement is difficult, sentries at the outpost are seeing things in the night! Cast sing: Ghost Warriors in the Sky AN OLD SETTLER WENT A RIDING OUT ONE DARK AND STORMY DAY UPON A RIDGE HE RESTED AS HE WENT ALONG HIS WAY WHEN ALL AT ONCE A MIGHTY STORM OF RED EYED ZULUS HE DID SEE A-PLOWING THROUGH THE RAGGED SKY AND UP THE THORNY TREE THEIR EYES WERE STILL ON FIRE AND THEIR SPEARS WERE MADE OF STEEL THEIR SKINS WERE BLACK AND SHINY AND THEIR HOT BREATH HE COULD FEEL A BOLT OF FEAR WENT THROUGH HIM AS THEY THUNDERED THROUGH THE SKY FOR HE SAW THE RIDERS COMING HARD AND HE HEARD THEIR MOURNFUL CRY BULALANI BULALANI GHOST WARRIORS IN THE SKY & STARS THEIR FACES GAUNT, THEIR EYES WERE BLURRED, THEIR SKINS ALL SOAKED WITH SWEAT HE’S RIDING HARD TO ESCAPE THE HOARD, AND THEY AIN’T CAUGHT ‘IM YET ‘CAUSE THEY’VE GOT TO RIDE FOREVER ON THAT RANGE UP IN THE SKY THEIR NOSES SNORTING FIRE AS THEY RUN ON HEAR THEIR CRY BULALANI BULALANI GHOST WARRIORS IN THE SKY Clare: The sibling rivalry between the current Zulu King, Mpande’s, sons Cetshwayo and Mbulazi reaches flashpoint. Mbulazi and his followers tried to escape but were trapped with their backs to the Tugela. Nearly 20 000 Zulus including Mbulasi were slaughtered in the battle of Ndondakusuka . It is the bloodiest battle ever to take place on South African soil. So many corpses are carried down to the sea by the Tugela that for days afterwards they wash ashore on Durban Beaches. BULALANI BULALANI GHOST WARRIORS IN THE SKY GHOST WARRIORS IN THE SKY GHOST WARRIORS IN THE SKY GHOST WARRIORS IN THE SKY Clare: How many casualties are there? Mish: They all seem to still be there…Intact… Except for the two old people who were offended by Franks phallic joke! Mpume: It’s pretty quiet out there. Mish: Yeah,too quiet. They’ve hardly laughed since the Zulu War. Clare: I wish Frank would get back. How long’s he been gone? Mish: Since 1837. Clare: That’s almost 50 years. Dammit! I should’ve gone. At his age who knows what sort of trouble he could be in? Mpume: (Directing her comment at the latecomers from the beginning of the show) I wouldn’t The Catalina Collection 2013
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expect him anytime soon. He’s probably stuck in traffic”...Or out parking the car, having dessert, waiting for the babysitter, lost on the freeway or whatever other lame excuse your latecomers came up with! Mish: Look its Frank! Clare: Over here Frank! What’s your report from the flood, sailor? Frank: Report? Damn! (Frank has forgotten the report. He runs out into the audience again and returns) Clare: Now what’s your report, soldier? Frank: It’s still pissing down! Flooding everywhere! The new ship George Cato is building is in danger of being wrecked. Clare: Let’s check it out. (She hands out viewing instruments, she keps the telescope, Frank get’s a toy periscope and Hamish a View Master.) Clare: My God. Frank: Can’t see a thing through the downpour! Mish: Animals! There’s Bambi and Thumper and Flower, and they’re in 3-D! Clare: Gimme that! Use these. (Clare grabs Mish’s View Master and hands him the telescope. Mish looks through it backwards.) Mish: What are we worried about? They’re miles away! (Clare grabs the telescope and turns it around. Mish looks through it again.) Oh, my God! There’s an elephant floating by…No, really, it’s being washed down the Umgeni River which has burst its banks! (Clare grabs the telescope!) Clare: Goodness me and I thought you were just sending me up. Frank: Gentlemen, the brown stuff has hit the blender. Clare: Now, let’s get to business. What did the Missionary HQ up on the ridge say? Frank: Oh right. Missionary HQ said, “Pretty wet down there, safer up here. Unable to send reinforcements. Have a nice day.” Mish: (Addressing Claire) What are we going to do, Stekkie? You got all the answers. What are we going to do? Clare: (Slowly) I don’t know? I just don’t know. I really haven’t got a clue. I possess a total lack of both ideas and imagination. My ignorance on this point verges on the criminal. I don’t know, PAGE 26
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I just… (Suddenly optimistic) Wait a minute! (Dejected again) Mish: And? Clare: It’s a play idiots! We can just change the scene. All right, storm over. Next scene: breakfast at the Royal Hotel…terribly civilized. Frank: Don’t you mean McDonald’s? Mish: You’re joking; okay, I’ll have a supersize meal! Frank: Not that McDonald’s, you moron! The McDonald’s Hotel which then became the Commercial Hotel. Clare: Which after the visit of Queen Victoria’s son, the 15 year old Prince Alfred, visited Durban and stayed at the then Commercial Hotel, incurred another name change. It went from the Commercial Hotel to the Royal Hotel which has been with us ever since. Mish: You’re playing! The Royal in Smith Street has been around since then? Frank: Well, not strictly in its present form, but yes! Clare: Anyway, breakfast at the Royal! 1882 Mpume: Hang on what about the Tollgate! Mish: What Tollgate? Mpume: The one at Tollgate Bridge! Mish: The one by Ridge Road, no way? (They quickly set up a bridge using their arms and puppets. The advent says Tollgate on Ridge Rd) Mayuri: In 1865 Berea Road is hardened and to pay for the project, Tollgates are erected on the road where it crosses Ridge Road and Umgeni Road. (The puppets attempt to cross the bridge, they are stopped by the toll master) Toll Master: Stop, who goes there? Shepherd: ‘Tis I the sheperd. I wish to take my sheep onto the other side of the ridge to graze. Toll Master: That will be a farthing for each sheep and yourself. Shepherd: A farthing! My sheep have been grazing there for decades and now you are telling me I have to pay to get to the other side. Toll Master: I don’t make the rules, mate! Horseman: Will you move out of the way there! Shepherd: Shaddup! Can’t you see I’m busy with the toll master.
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Horseman: Com’on mate there’s a carriage behind me! Get out of the way! Shepherd: I don’t’ care if it’s the bleeding queen mate! 1, 2, 3 farthings?! Hang on, I’m carrying the lambs, they’re not walking on the bridge. Horseman: Will you get on with it! Mayuri: And this was the first recorded episode of road rage… Shepherd: Com’on mate, I’ll throw in this cabbage! Toll Master: Oh, alright! You can pass! Mayuri: And this was the first recorded incident of the bribery of a city official. A tradition which exists to this day! Clare: Can we go to my Royal Hotel scene now?! Mish, Mpume & Mayuri: Oh, alright! Mayuri: Hang on! Aren’t we missing something really important that happened in 1860! The arrival of a certain group of Settlers!! Clare: It’s exactly where we are going…..Breakfast at the Royal pre-1860! Mish: But you said it was called the Commercial Hotel then?! Clare: Whatever! Breakfast at the Commercial, that is still to become the Royal! Happy? (Mish nods satisfied and she hisses under her breath)Moron! (They quickly set up a table and two chairs, Clare and Frank are served by Mpume. The advent calendar says: The Social Set Gather. Hamish and Mayuri leave. Clare and Frank elegantly sip tea while Mpume waits on them.) Frank: I say, darling, that demonstration by the Milner Brothers down at Springfield Sugar Estate was quite the thing. Clare: Really, darling, you men find the darndest things fascinating. All that cheering and gesticulating over a silly steam machine. (She spoons sugar into her tea cup.) Frank: That silly steam machine converted cane juice into sugar dear. That useless stuff you’re spooning into your tea right now. Imagine your tea without it? Clare: Oh, very well. Frank: This invention is going to make this settlement one of the wealthiest in the colonies. We’ll all plant sugarcane and make sugar for the world. We’ll be rich. Clare: Well when you put it like that! That is exciting! Frank: The only problem is (looking over his shoulder to see if Mpume is listening in) they don’t want to work on the farms. Too much like hard work! They have much grander plans, like self-rule. PAGE 28
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Clare: Well I know just the thing, darling. We’ll bring in some of the other brown fellows from one of the other colonies. I hear that has been very successful in Mauritius. Frank: By George! That’s a spiffing idea! We’ll indenture then shall we! Clare: What’s that? Frank: It’s a sort of contract that favours us! The colony across the sea will be only too willing to oblige! Clare: How will we get them here? It’s a long way off! (Suddenly we hear the sounds of rough seas. Hamish and Mayuri come paddling on in a boat on wheels. Frank and Clare exit.) Prem: Aayi! Soonitha stop crying for your muther! I promise we’ll send for her when we are settled! (She wails) And your grandmuther,(more wailing) and cousin brudders (louder wailing) and their garners ‘n’ all. Soon the whole family will be together! (To audience.) Aaiyo! The whole reason I left was to get away. But you know these Indian women, they can’t be away from the family. Family is everything! Not just one mother-in-law but the whole world-in-law! Soonitha: Prem, who you talking to? Prem: I was just thinking aloud, Soonitha. (Makes apologetic eyes at the audience) Don’t worry, my dear, all will be fine. We’ll get to Africa, and we’ll plant sugarcane for a few years then I will start my own green grocer, or maybe I’ll import Rolex’s…and then we will be better off than the rest of the people back home. And then we’ll be able to bring in the rest of the family, and Bollywood movies and all will be just like home. Soonitha: You mean we gonna settle here,Prem? Prem: Soonitha have you forgotten that we are from a lowly caste, if we go back home we can never be anything more than slaves and riksha pullers? In this new world we’ll be able to own a corner café, and our children will become lawyers and eventually we could own our own homes. Soonitha: Yes, but Prem, how am I supposed to survive in this foreign land with no spices, no ingredients for the food we are used to? Prem: Don’t worry, Soonitha, we’ll find a way and anyway didn’t you see that fella Gorima in the back of the ship? That ou will import everything we need! Soonitha: Yes, but did you see how many Naidoos? We will be overrun by Naidoos and did you see that Ansuya, parading herself like she is royalty, before you know it she’ll be having servants… Prem: Soonitha, don’t be like that, we’re all in this together, Muslims, Christians, Hindu’s when we get there we’ll have to work together, wait for our opportunities... Clare: And so it was that over a period of five decades starting with the Truro in 1860 and ending with the Umlazi in 1911, a total of 384 vessels brought indentured Indian labourers to Durban to work the Sugar farms. While many indentured Indians returned on the expiration of their contracts, many elected to stay and some came of their own volition and the so- called passenger Indian merchants who were attracted to the trading possibilities, giving Durban the largest population of Indians outside of India. The Catalina Collection 2013
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Cast sing in Bollywood style with parody lyrics SO ON THE VESSELS THEY CAME TO GROW ALL THE SUGAR CANE AND THEIR INFLUENCE WAS PROFOUND AS THEY SETTLED AND FARMED ALL AROUND MOST OF THE PRODUCE FOR THE WIT OUS THEN WAS GARDENED BY CHETTY AND PREM AND AS WORKERS THEY PROVED TO BE GREAT EVEN THOUGH LIVING WAS NOT IN GOOD STATE SOON A MARKET WAS SET UP IN TOWN WHERE THE BEST BARGAINS COULD ALWAYS BE FOUND AND IT SEEMED THAT IT WOULD NOT BE TOO SOON BEFORE YOU’D FIND THESE OUS AT THE BLUE LAGOON Frank: Right that’s enough of that! In1882 the Theatre Royal opens in West Street, between Russell Street and Theatre Lane… Mish: Durban’s West End! Mpume: Ja, that’s where the West End Hotel used to be. Now it’s Nandos! Clare: Right we’re going to need your help to stage a very short version of a Victorian melodrama type show, as might have been seen in the Theatre Royal in those Victorian Days. We’ll need a damsel in distress, a hero, a villain and some pretty corny music. Mpume: I’ll be the damsel in distress! Frank: Mpume! The damsel has to be dainty and sweet. Mpume: I’m an actress I can do that! Clare: No, Mpume! Hamish you’re the damsel, put this on! Mpume: It’s not fair, kanje! Frank: As MC, we welcome you tonight to an old fashioned musical melodrama entitled… All: Curses, Foiled Again! MC: We invite you to join in the fun by booing and hissing the villain, Delvin Dastardly! (Delvin enters & bows sneeringly.) Delvin: Curses, foiled again! (Exits.) MC: Please cheer and clap for our hero, Jedediah Justice (Aside to the audience) of Justice Junction! (Jed enters, bows suavely and exits) That’s not bad but let’s try booing once more. (Delvin enters again.) All: (Audience & Cast) Boo! PAGE 3 0
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(Delvin shakes his fist at the audience.) MC: Good! Good! Now let’s try a real snaky hiss. All: Hiss! (Delvin exits angrily) MC: Now you’re really getting into it. Shall we try a cheer for our hero? All: Yeah! (Jed enters and bows to audience suavely.) MC: Now a sigh for our pretty heroine, Sweet Polly Praiseworthy! (Polly enters and curtsies) All: A–a–ah! MC: Now, let’s try the most important thing of all. Only by your clapping can our hero find the encouragement to do better things. This stands true for our entire tireless cast. So, let me hear your heartfelt applause! (As audience claps, Delvin jumps out to accept it. It should evoke more boos forcing Delvin to re–exit hiding behind his cape. This, in turn, should bring on more applause and laughter. As it begins to subside, intro music and all sing) All: DID YOU EVER WANT TO SEE THE HERO ROUT THE VILLAIN? HEAR HIM SNEER, “OH, CURSES, FOILED AGAIN!” YOU WILL SEE US GIVE A GREAT BIG CHEER, “OH!” WHEN WE HEAR THE VILLAIN SNEER, “OH,” CURSES, FOILED AGAIN!” WILL WE NEVER SEE THE END OF FEAR? OH, WILL WE HEAR THE VILLAIN SNEER, “OH, CURSES, FOILED AGAIN!” CAN WE HOPE THE VILLAIN COMES UP ZERO? WILL HE TELL OUR DAUNTLESS HERO, “CURSES, FOILED AGAIN!” CURSES, FOILED AGAIN! MC: Our story begins on a fine summer’s day as our lovely heroine, Polly Praiseworthy, travels home with her worthy parents, Portia and Peter Praiseworthy. As they return from an afternoon’s shopping, after having purchased sweet Polly’s trousseau for her forthcoming marriage to Jedediah Justice, (Aside) of Justice Junction.
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SCENE I On The Street in Town. Music fit for a heroine, Polly, Mama and Papa enter. Papa: My sweetheart, not only have we purchased sweet Polly’s trousseau, for her forthcoming marriage to Jedediah Justice, (Aside) of Justice Junction, but I was able to raise sufficient capital to pay for the long needed operation to cure your condition! Polly: Oh, joy is mine! Mama: And mine as well, my sweet, but how did you raise such a sum? Papa: I found someone willing to give us a mortgage on our farm, Portia dear. Mama: A mortgage, Peter, from whom did you receive it? Papa: From the only one around here possessing those kind of funds, (VILLAINOUS MUSIC as Delvin enters unseen by the PRAISEWORTHYS & twirls his moustache maliciously) Delvin Dastardly. Polly: (Aside) Oh, woe is me, not that evil man! Delvin: (Aside) Little does he know, (Laughs sardonically) what my ingenious, dastardly brain has in store for him and his wretched little wife. (Laughs again as Duncan, in disguise, stumbles in and falls moaning. More VILLAINOUS MUSIC ensues.) Duncan: Oh! Polly: Oh, Papa, what is this? This poor wayfaring stranger seems to be ill. Delvin: (Aside) Ha! Could the simpleton do less? The fool little realizes he is kneeling by his downfall. He who lies upon the ground so helpless is none other than me in disguise! Duncan: (Moaning) Oh! Mama: Is the poor soul dying, Dear? Papa: No, I think he is just now reviving. Delvin: (Aside) That’s what you are supposed to think, you dolt! Polly: Perhaps he has just fainted from exposure to the sun. (Hands Papa a bottle from her bag) Here, Papa, let him breathe of the healing elixir of my spirits. (Papa opens the bottle under Duncan’s nose) Duncan: (Coughs several times) Where am I? Who are you? Papa: You have fainted on the road to town, Friend. I am merely a neighbor doing his Christian duty. Duncan: And that you have, good Sir, and I am grateful. Papa: Tell me Friend, how do you fare now? PAGE 32
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Duncan: Much better, Sir, thanks to you and your fair daughter’s healing salts. Polly: (Aside) I wonder how he knew that? Papa: May I help you rise, young man? Duncan: Yes, please do, for I am still somewhat weak. (They rise together) Duncan: I am eternally in your debt. Papa: Young Man, concern yourself no further with debts or gratitude! Duncan: But your act deserves a just reward and I am a man who always tries to pay his debts. Here, good Sir, pray take this old brass watch at least as a token of payment. Papa: Sir, your recovery is reward enough! Duncan: I insist for my honour to be restored! Mama: Oh alright! For your honour All: Gasp! Delvin: (Aside) Ah, ha! The deed is done! My victory is assured! (Cross fade to spot on MC) MC: (Enters) What dastardly deal has Delvin deemed? What dangerous damage has the duplicitous Duncan’s deception done? Will it be defeat and degradation? Will the domicile of our dauntless darlings be defiled? What devilish desire does dismal Delvin deem da Praiseworthy’s drastic due? (Shrugs his shoulders) Meanwhile, later that evening, in the Praiseworthy Parlour… (Exits) SCENE II The Praiseworthy Parlour. HEROINE MUSIC. Polly & Penny are sweeping. (A knock is heard at the door.) Polly: Hark! That must be my Jedediah Justice, (Aside) of Justice Junction, now. Polly: Sheriff Dudley Dumjohn and Mr. Dastardly, what may I do for you? Sheriff: I must speak to your father on a matter of official business. Will you call him hence? Polly: Of course. (Goes to door & calls) Papa, Dudley Dumjohn to see you! Papa: (Off stage) Coming, Dear! Delvin: (Aside) Now you are about to see the result of my beautiful plan! (VILLAIN MUSIC) Papa: (Entering, wearing the watch) Welcome to our home, Sheriff Dumjohn. Ah, Mr. Dastardly, The Catalina Collection 2013
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what, may I ask, gives us the pleasure of your presence, this evening? Delvin: Ah, Dudley, the shamelessness of this man, the perfidy, the callous effrontery of it all. He flaunts his evil deed before our very eyes! Arrest him, Sheriff! That is my missing watch! Polly: (Aside) Oh, woe is me, what manner of evil is this? Sheriff: Well, Sir, do you have an answer to Mr. Dastardly’s felonious charge? Papa: I can only answer that he charges me falsely! The watch I wear is but a simple token of thanks from another for Christian services rendered. Sheriff: I’m sorry, but I know this watch and in view of the pre– pre– preponderance of evidence against you, I must place you under arrest, Praiseworthy! Hold out your hands and submit peacefully! Mama: (Entering) What evil deed is this that you bind my good husband’s hands? Sheriff: I’m sorry, Madam, but he has Mr. Dastardly’s watch upon his person. Say your goodbyes for he will be serving several years on my chain gang. Mama: My husband is not a thief! Sheriff: (Points at the watch) The evidence is here for all to see. Delvin: Get on with it, Sheriff! Mama: No! No! No! You cannot! You shall not! (Attempts to strike out at Delvin) You fiend! (Delvin grabs her arms. After a brief struggle she collapses with a moan) Papa: Mama!!! Polly: Mama! MC: Papa was led off to jail with no hope of winning his freedom, so well had Delvin Dastardly planned. What happens next? Will our hero, Jedediah Justice, (Aside) of Justice Junction, save the day? (THE HERO ENTERS) Join us next week for the next exciting episode… Mayuri: Right guys, we’re running out of time quickly let’s skip through some of the highlights and lowlights sharp, sharp! 1877 the Britannia Hotel was opened in Umgeni Road and still stands today. Clare: Yes, but in 1879 business at the Royal Hotel booms because of the Zulu War! Mpume: Cetshwayo smashes the British at Isandlwana! The defeat of Chelmsford’s forces echoes around the world! Zulu! Zulu! Zulu! Frank: 1880, The first railway line in SA which runs all of 8km from the Point to Pine Street is extended to Pietermaritzburg… Mayuri: 1884, the Mosque in Grey Street is expanded to accommodate 200 prayer mats. Frank: 1885, the Town Hall, now the Central Post Office is officially opened.
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Mpume: 1887, John Langilabalele Dube is the first South African, Black man to be educated in the USA. He later founded the Ohlange High School which still stands in Inanda. Mish: 1893, Mahondas Karamchand Ghandi get’s thrown off a train in Pietermaritzburg for daring to sit in a Whites Only, First Class carriage! Frank: 1899, The Natal Volunteers are called up because of fear of another Boer invasion of Natal. Clare: 1900, Winston Churchill arrives in Durban having just escaped from Boer captivity in Pretoria. Mayuri: 1901, The Royal hotel plays host to the Duke and Duchess of York later King George and Queen Mary Mpume: 1904, John Dube launches the Ilanga lase Natal, the first Zulu Language newspaper which exists to this day. 1906, Bambatha leads a Zulu Rebellion to protest against the taxes imposed by the British colonists making it impossible for Black men to travel and trade! Frank: Bambatha is defeated and his traditional lands in the Midlands of Natal are confiscated and given to British Settlers. An event that has repercussions to this present day! Clare: 1909, Durban’s First Cinema, ‘The Electric’ is opened. Mayuri: 1911, Isaiah Shembe founds the NAZARETH BATIST CHURCH. Clare: 1914, Durban becomes an important transit point for troops on their way to and from the battlefields of World War 1. The Lady in White, Ethel Campbell, would signal messages of welcome to the troop ships in semaphore. Mish: Sema what? Clare: Semaphore, a kind of naval flag sign language! Mpume: An act which was to be emulated nearly a decade later by Perla Siuedle Gibson who would sing to the men on departing troopships standing on the breakwater… (TO THE TUNE OF THERE’LL ALWAYS BE AN ENGLAND) THERE’LL ALWAYS BE A DURBAN THOUGH VICTORIA’S ALMOST GONE SMITH AND WEST ARE HISTORY NOW AND NOT STANGER BUT STALWART IS THE ONE THERE’LL ALWAYS BE A DURBAN THOUGH THEKWINI IS AT RISK WITH CHE AND KENNETH STANDING BY WHICH MAKES THE NATION SIMPLY TISK SO TO ALL YOU HAPLESS TRAVELLERS AS YOU LEAVE OUR EXOTIC SHORES TAKE GOOD NOTE FOR THE NAMES YOU KNEW ARE SOON TO BE NO MORE! The Catalina Collection 2013
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Mish: And now ,the news according to… Frank: The BBC History Channel… Mpume: SANC Africa Mayuri: And the Al Jazeera Channel. (All three have cut out TV screens around their heads.) Frank: The time is 1948 and here is the news today. We saw 20 000 children attend the birthday celebration of Nellie the elephant in Mitchell Park. Mayuri: The Elephant, who was originally presented to the park by the Maharaj of Mysore in India, celebrated its birthday with no Indian children present. Opportunities to sell Samoosas, Murku and Veddes were of course presented on the outskirts of the event as the colonial settlers have developed a taste for eastern delights. Mpume: While Mr Sithole of Inanda, swept behind the elephant so as to keep the event clean and hygienic… Mayuri: On another front, traders shops in Grey Street are vandalized and ransacked by unruly mobs of Black people, who are breaking the law, all as a result of a misunderstanding between an Indian trader and a young black person… Mpume: Who was blatantly pushed through a window and injured by the trader, while being cheered on by the rest of the Amaindiya’s looking on... Frank: In the meantime in Indian town, police and the military struggle to contain a spat between the Indian traders and their customers. The violence is contained and shoppers in Smith and West streets can continue going on about their business as usual… On the glamour front Durban’s very own Penny Rae Coelen becomes Miss World. Mpume: Soon after which Nelson Mandela is arrested near Midmar Dam and is set to begin a 27 year sentence for fighting for freedom. Frank: Terrorism and incitement to commit treason and violence against the people of South Africa. Mayuri: A man much like the great Indian hero Ghandi who fought for freedom from British rule by propounding and using the satyagrah philosophy of peaceful protest! Frank: And on the sporting front the Springboks win the World Cup for the second time. Mpume: Viva Amabokke! Greeted and given gratitude by Premier Ndebele. Mayuri: While MEC Rajbansi claims a victory for his department’s development programme. All three TV stations: Bokke! Bokke! Bokke! Mish: Hang on ous! You’ve skipped the whole apartheid struggle and Morris Fynn cutting down the offending signs and all that… Clare: But Hamish, in the euphoria of the Springbok glory of winning the William Webb Ellis PAGE 36
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trophy for the second time, we have all developed collective amnesia! Mish: Oh ja! What were we talking about? Frank: That “bruin ou” that made it all happen! BRYAN HABANA (To the tune of Hava Nagila) BRYAN HABANA BRYAN HABANA BRYAN HABANA BRYAN BRYAN HABANA BRYAN HABANA BRYAN HABANA BRYAN GIVE THE BALL TO BRYAN HABANA! GIVE THE BALL TO BRYAN HABANA! GIVE THE BALL TO BRYAN HABANA! GIVE THE BALL TO BRYAN HABANA! GIVE THE BALL! GIVE THE BALL! GAAN DRUK VIR ONS A DRIE BRYAN HABANA BRYAN HABANA BRYAN HABANA BRYAN BRYAN HABANA BRYAN HABANA BRYAN HABANA BRYAN Mayuri: Tonight we’ve given you the timeline of Dbn history from left to right. Mpume: Past to present. Mish: Then to now. Frank: But now we’d like to go backwards in time. Right to left. Clare: Present to past. Mish: Now to then. Mayuri: And as we move backwards in time, we see the ozone layer growing, Clare: The national debt shrinking... Mpume: The number of AIDS cases decreasing... Frank: And the rain forest growing back at the rate of a thousand acres a day. The Catalina Collection 2013
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Mish: As we move backwards in time, we see Michael Jackson getting blacker and blacker. Mayuri: We see all landmines in Africa disappear. Clare: All guns disappear. Mpume: Slave trade disappears and Europeans return tons of gold and treasure to the Native People of Africa. All: And they all live happily ever after. Frank: I’m Frank. Mayuri: I’m Mayuri. Clare: I’m Clare. Mpume: I’m Mpume. Mish: And I’m Hamish. All: And we’re history! Good night!
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Chantal Snyman Biography
An arts activist, playwright, director, theatre maker, actor, puppeteer and mentor; Chantal studied for a Bachelor of Arts at the University of (KwaZulu) Natal. She has written two plays Snapshots (1999) and Frank (2009). She has numerous professional acting and directing credits. Chantal is a Director and Chairperson of Arley’s Workshop, an NPO that creates original and innovative, issue based theatre with which they start the difficult conversations. She is a member of the SA National Steering Committee of the Arterial Network. Chantal believes that theatre, through its magic of reflection and introspection, can play an integral role in both personal and social transformation.
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Frank by Chantal Snyman The play premiered at the Catalina Theatre from 27 August – 6 September 2009. Directed by: Chantal Snyman Original Cast: Dorothy Ogle - Gail Snyman Delia Ogle - Chantal Snyman Lloyd Ogle - Jonathan Tifflin Cast of characters: Dorothy Ogle: A widow in her late 50’s. She is a matriarch, an ANC branch leader and she loves the Soapies. Delia Ogle: Her daughter, in her early 30’s. She is a Chartered Accountant living in Johannesburg, unmarried and essentially a free spirit Lloyd Ogle: Her son, in his early 30’s too, he is only slightly older than Delia. He is an IT specialist who has been living in London with his girlfriend, and is carrying a lot of baggage.
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ACT I SX: intro music – Bright Blue, Weeping The play is set in Durban, South Africa 2009, it is before the general election and the decision about whether or not to prosecute Jacob Zuma, potentially the next president of the country, for his role in the arms deal is a strong focus in the media and most South African homes. The family are reunited by the younger sister, Donna’s wedding. It is late in the evening after the wedding reception, possibly even early the following morning. The stage is softly lit and reveals a lounge in an upper middle class home. The walls are painted a soft, cream colour. An earthy toned three seater with scatter cushions in ethnic or shweshwe print is positioned centrally, two plush arm chairs in an earthy tone flank either side of the couch up stage, 2 side tables- African chic in style hold family pictures in classic gold frames and some tasteful side lamps, a gilded mirror hangs on one wall, while a large framed ANC flag dominates another wall. Down stage left, there is a dark wood, traditional telephone table complete with chair, telephone directory, index book and stationary holder with a smaller ANC flag stuck among the pens and pencils. Dorothy is sitting on the couch soaking her feet in a basin of water. She has a towel next to her and paraphernalia for exfoliating her feet, eg foot file, scrub and cream. Delia enters off stage, she announces herself with scuffing noises and then enters the stage from stage right (the kitchen), with a small box full of gift bags from the wedding. Dorothy: (Reacting to the scuffing sounds) Is that you Delia? Delia: Yes Mum. Dorothy: Do you need help? Delia: No mum, I’m fine. (She comes in with the small box filled with gift bags) Dorothy: I’m sorry I left, but my feet were killing me. Delia: I could see that you were almost cripple at the end. Dorothy: That’s what you get for wearing new sandals to an occasion. Delia: I am just going to put these in her room; I left the bigger box in the garage. She can sort through those gifts when she returns from her honeymoon. (She takes the box full of gift bags off stage exits stage left and returns) I now know why people are so keen to get married. She got so many gifts. Dorothy: She did get a lot hey, considering we are going through a recession? So, who was left at the hall? Delia: The usual suspects. Dean, Angela, Andrew and company. Dorothy: They were really having a good time hey? Delia: Ja, I‘m going to put the kettle on for some tea. (She exits stage right) Dorothy: Good idea. Those two must be in la-la land at the Elangeni. Their honeymoon will only start once they reach Maputo. (She continues exfoliating her feet. Delia returns from the The Catalina Collection 2013
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kitchen and sits down.) Delia: Well our baby finally got her fairytale wedding. Once she sets her mind to something, no one can stop her. I hope Vernon’s eyes are wide open to that. Dorothy: Oh yes, when he came to ask for my permission, I told him, Vernon you better be prepared to “koka “my boy, because Donna likes nice things and she is not prepared to compromise. Delia: I’m happy that Lloyd’s message arrived in time. I thought Donna was going to turn on the water works when I read it. Dorothy: Ja (she giggles). My Lloydie boy, I really missed him tonight. Delia: Me too, and Dad, I kept thinking of how he would be interacting with everybody and how he would have them all under his spell…Lloyd is going to be so sorry that he missed all the shenanigans. Dorothy: Like Jean and Gwenny rocking up in the same outfits. Delia: They spent the whole night avoiding one another. Dorothy: That was a low blow for Jean, because she likes to be the centre of attention and I am sure it hurt her to think Gwenny, who bakes cakes for a living, can afford to shop at the same place. Delia: That reminds me did you pay her for the cake? Dorothy: I gave her the deposit. Why? Delia: Well, she said that we still owe her. Dorothy: You mean she spoke to you about it at the reception? Ay, some people just don’t have a sense of occasion. Thlp (tongue click), I told her I would settle with her when it was over. Delia: I suppose it’s her only form of income and she probably needs to pay for the outfit. (They chuckle) Dorothy: You’re right and she did a great job with the cake. Everyone commented on it. Delia: And to think it nearly ended up on the floor when uncle Benji and that wild woman were creating a scene! Dorothy: Mmm… Mr Itchy Balls… And that woman, was Vernon’s aunty Shirley! Delia: What an eyeball! Where did she get that outfit from? The Chinese shop? Dorothy: Now that’s what you call mutton dressed up as lamb! (Delia approaches the audience and confides in them) Delia: Whatever else could be said about Vernon’s “Aunty Shirley”, she knew how to let her hair down. And although she pitched up alone, she was never short of dance partners. Flashback: The wedding cake almost get’s it! PAGE 4 4
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(The actor playing Delia, takes off her dress to reveal a ‘disco era” outfit and transforms into Shirley. The actor playing Dorothy effects a similar transformation putting on a panama hat to become Benji) SX: Vulindlela, Brenda Fassie LX: Glitter Ball Shirley: (Ecstatic) Whaaaaaaaah! This is my number. I’m not fussy for Brenda Fassie! (She dances suggestively and moves to the audience to pick up a partner. Finding no takers, she turns to find Benji waiting eagerly. He joins her in a parody of dirty dancing and eventually tries to mount her from behind. They collapse, causing a big ruccus and almost up ending the imaginary wedding cake) SX: Music stops. LX: White light. Delia: Mum I thought Aunty Lorna was going to fly across the dance floor to sort him out. Dorothy: My cousin is too much of a lady for that my dear, plus she is used to his corruption. She probably locked him out again. Thank God I didn’t have those problems with your father… I had my reservations about having a big do, but I’m glad we did it. Your father would have approved and finally, I got to be the Mother of the Bride. Delia: What do you mean? Do you think that Donna is your only child that will marry? Dorothy: No, that’s not what I’m saying. Delia: I wish Lloyd was here. Dorothy: I don’t mind that you two are not married yet? Delia: You do mind! You and everyone else in the family… I’m so tired of them asking me,”When are we going to eat wedding cake?” or worse, pitying me. One of these days I’m gonna surprise you’ll. Then you all will have to eat humble pie. Dorothy: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Who are you talking about? Delia: You know. Like your cockeyed cousin Angela, who never fails to remind me that I am going to get left on the shelf? (Delia strides off to the kitchen to get the tea) Dorothy: (shouts after her) Delia, I told you Angela has had a hard life, you can’t take her seriously. Flashback: Cockeyed Betty winds Delia up LX: Green Wash (The actor playing Dorothy, transforms to Angela by adopting a squint, she begins to dance and she approaches the audience when she spots the imaginary Delia. Angela gives the impression that she is a simpleton, but she is quite a malicious piece of work) Angela: Howzit Delia, long time no see…Looking good girl, looking good. Are you seeing The Catalina Collection 2013
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someone? Where’s he then? Why you never brought him to the wedding? He’s working? (She laughs mockingly) He’s not working, he’s married… I know you. You better hurry up and find someone of your own before you end up on the shelf! LX: Fade to white (Delia returns with the tea) Delia: Cos what’s wrong with the shelf? She’s been up there for years. You would think she wouldn’t mind the company. Dorothy: I never thought those things bothered you… Delia: What bothers me is the fact that everyone feels like they have the right to question my choices. What I really want to say when they interrogate me is, “do you know how many happily married people I know? Zip! Zilch! Zero!” The number that represents no value and therefore I have not seen any value in making that choice yet! South Africa has one of the highest divorce rates in the world, not to mention the trend toward “starter marriages”, those that are over by the time you are 28 and then who knows how many more come after that? And yes, before you say it, I know that there are exceptions to the rule, you and dad for example. I am not a cynic Mum, just a realist! Dorothy: Yes, we were made for each other and we had a good life together… You know who I thought would have made a good husband for you? Roger. Delia: Roger! Ma, are you mad? Dorothy: You seemed so happy when you were with him and he was stable and charming. And talk about good looking! Ooh, you would have had lovely children and your father liked him too… What was wrong with him? Delia: (Dismissing her) He was a farmer. Dorothy: Thlp! He wasn’t from the farm. Delia: He was from Ixopo mum? (Delia approaches the audience) Lx: Spot on Delia and blackout the acting area Flash back: Who’s your daddy? Delia: How do I tell my mother what was wrong with Roger? It would make for a very uncomfortable conversation. My mother is from a generation where there are certain things you just don’t talk about. (The actor playing Delia transforms physically into Rodger) LX: Blue Wash. Roger: (With slow and sensual hip movements) Who’s – your - daddy? Who’s - your - daddy? Say my name! Hmm, oooh, yeeaaah. Who’s the boss? I’m the boss! Yes, say it, say it, say my name! Who’s your Daddy, who’s your daddy, who’s your daddy, who’s your daddy, who’s your daddy who’s your daddy? (Reaching crescendo) Grrrrr, grrrrr, grrrr, grrrrrrrrrr! PAGE 46
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(The actor transforms to Delia again) And in hindsight Roger could only be my daddy for 2 minutes. Thank God for small mercies. LX: White Wash Dorothy: Ixopo is not a farm and you didn’t have to live there. Delia: Well what do you think he had in mind? He was lined up for the family business and then I would have ended up a farmer’s wife with kids who say things like, “Mummy I want to kaka!” (They both have a good laugh) Dorothy: He still phones here to find out how you are, so that tells me something… And I hear he is doing very well for himself. Delia: That’s nice mum. Why don’t you let him know you are available for dates? Dorothy: Sis man, Delia, mind your manners! (She gives her an incredulous look) I was happy to see Joan and her family at the wedding. I didn’t think they would come. Delia: Why? Dorothy: Ooh you know that one; she’s DA all the way…probably secretly thinks the country was better off under Apartheid. (She scoffs) At the Women’s Guild meeting we got into such an argument, over the whole Zuma issue… Delia: Was that the last time you saw her? Dorothy: No, the last time was at Joey’s funeral about a month ago. Delia: That’s what I thought…I was very sad that I couldn’t make it to the funeral. Dorothy: I know, but he really didn’t look nice at all. Better you remember him the way he was the last time you saw him. (Dorothy leaves stage with the dish of water and exits stage left) Delia: (Musing to herself) When was the last time I saw Joey? I think it was the Easter weekend last year. I saw him at Makro with his wife and two kids, all serious and grown up. (She smiles to herself) A far cry from the boy I used to know. Its funny how fast life turns, here today, gone tomorrow. I guess nothing is certain? Flashback: First Love LX: Orange Wash Joey was my first love. If you can fall in love at 10 yrs old? He was Lloyd’s best friend. A wild boy and a free spirit, unconcerned with other people’s opinions and convention even as a child. He used to smoke loose cigarettes openly. I hated him at first; don’t all good love stories begin that way? He looked like Cliff Richard (I had just seen“Summer Holiday”) but he wore bell bottoms (not cool in the 80”s) and thought he was Bruce Lee. (Humming the theme from Enter-the-Dragon) Joey: Okay, Lloyd you stand over there, Delia overtherewah and Donought you that side! Don’t The Catalina Collection 2013
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move now otherwise you’ll spoil the game! (Joey tries various karate moves on the 3) Keeeyaaah Fists of Fury… Yeeehaaaah Claws of the Dragon… Owwwwrrrrhhhhcatchaaaa, Praying Mantis! Delia: (Doubling up in pain) Joey, I’m not playing with you anymore, you kicking for real…my stomach is sore now… No matter how much Joey hurt me during our games; it never stopped me from following him. He was fearless and inspirational. One day while pretending to be a wild horse, I ran into a bush of thorns and came out looking like a porcupine. Too proud to cry in front of him, but terrified of my mother’s reaction, I began to whimper. “Joey, Joey what am I going to do? Oh Joey!” He picked me up and carried me to his house. He helped me remove my dress and as I sat in my vest and panties at the edge of the bath, he removed the thorns with his mother’s tweezer, one by one. Then, he washed my wounds with warm water and iodine. He gave me a pair of his shorts and a t-shirt to put on. We never exchanged a word during all that tenderness. It was sensual and left a deep impression. If I had made it to the funeral, I would have leant down and whispered in his ear. “Joey, you were my first love and you set the bar very high.” LX: Fade to white (Dorothy returns with cake on 2 side plates and 2 cake forks) Dorothy: Don’t laugh, but I cut more wedding cake for us. Delia: You read my mind. Dorothy: I’m a dessertarian! Delia: Yes, you like the good stuff! You are that way with people too you know, you only see the good? (She laughs out loud at her own joke) Dorothy: I was like that even as a child. I loved new things. I would keep my presents in their plastic for as long as possible. Ooh and I hated dirt, (she giggles) you would never find me playing in the sand with the others, and if I got something on my hands, I would wail like banshee until someone came and cleaned them. Dirt is just not something I am comfortable with. Delia: Ja, but dirt is a part of life, there’s no getting away from it. Lucky for Dad he was handsome and clean cut hey, or he wouldn’t have stood a chance? Flash back: Dorothy & Frank LX: Blue Wash Dorothy: Frank was a member of the Chain Gang, a popular band. He used to make the girls go crazy. Me included, but I never let him know it, I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. Our families attended the same church. We were both members of the choir and the youth group; Young Christians for Christ. One weekend we went on an excursion to the Drakensberg, under the watchful eye of Father Cuthbertson. The objective was to discuss the role of the church under Apartheid. It was so exciting; we broke into groups and got into hot debate. I knew that Frank had his eye on me and I thought he might use the opportunity to get close, so I waited patiently. On the Saturday night we had a talent show. Under the starlit sky we sat around a huge bonfire and when it was Frank’s turn, he brought out his guitar and began to sing. Frank: Performs “Aint too proud to beg”.
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Dorothy: And the whole time he was singing, he was looking straight at me. My face was flushed and my heart felt like it was going to burst right out of my chest. I was the envy of all the girls there. After that it all seemed like a forgonne conclusion, my parents liked him, his parents liked me. We courted and two years later, after the battle of the bands at Curries Fountain, Frank went down on bended knee. LX: Fade to white Delia: Oh, how romantic! Things were so uncomplicated back then. Today we have so many options, we don’t know what to do with ourselves! You can have a career, travel, shack –up, have a baby, don’t have a baby, have a baby with a man, have a baby on your own…Mr. Right has become Mr Right- for- right-now or the less appealing Mr Will –have- to- do- for- rightnow. (Dorothy giggles) Dad was just, plain and simple, Mr. Right…nê Mrs. Right? Dorothy: Now I see Joburg is finally rubbing off on you… You have also had some good guys… like David? Delia: You know I think it is time to set the record straight about that one. I didn’t have the heart to tell you’ll the truth about David because you’ll were so fond of him. But he was not right. (She indicates that he was mad) Dorothy: What do you mean he was not right? Delia: Remember the hijacking? Dorothy: How can I forget? We were so worried when you told us he had disappeared. Delia: Then he pitched up in a state, and I was so relieved that he had managed to escape and with his red golf. Dorothy: It seemed like the hand of God had protected him and Dad and I rushed up and we got the car blessed. Delia: Ja… (Shaking her head at the memory) Much later, I was in the hair salon in Cresta and there was this young girl, barely out of school really, having a good giggle with a client. Flashback: The truth about David. Lx: Orange wash Young girl: (The actor playing Delia transforms, she adopts a strong Eldorado Park accent and begins to set an imaginary client’s hair with curlers) This ou, that Valencia was seeing, asked her to go up to Sun City with him for the weekend nê? Now that one is a bang broek, so she chunes that I must come with them… I wasn’t up for that because I don’t wanna hold candles…But she goes on with me and he doesn’t mind, so I give in and we go nê? He drives us there in his souped up red Golf, mags, cool sound system and everything is nca! We book in and he gives us money to gamble and everything is laid on. He is smooth like black cat. Oh, we have a lekker party there by the Sin City. Then it’s time to go home and this ou chunes Valencia that he wants us to moer him? And I think to myself, I knew it, it was all too good to be true…I mean, nothings for free nê and I have heard about those funny things some guys like…like they like to be punished and shit…and I tell him straight, “Listen here my boy, I may be from Eldos, but I am not into that stuff!”. Ooh and then we see his true colours. He starts screaming at us, “You bitches just ate my money and now you don’t want to listen to me!” He starts slapping and scratching himself on the face and neck…and we are just staring at him…it’s like in a bladdy movie or something. And when he’s finished, it looks like 10 ous got hold of him and he carries on like nothing happened, laughing and talking to us like that was normal behaviour…I told The Catalina Collection 2013
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Valencia not to involve me in her kak stories anymore, because that ou was bevok. She smaaks taking chances and one of these days we gonna to find her in the morgue! Dorothy: What?! (Incredulous) How did you know it was the truth? Dee, did you confront him? Delia: I did, and he giggled like he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar…but didn’t deny it. I looked at him and realized he was not playing with a full deck. And that was all the closure I needed. If there is one thing I learnt from David, it’s that you never really know a person. (Cell phone rings and Delia digs excitedly in her bag for it, and finally answers) Hi Paul, just hold for a minute. Excuse me mum, I’m going to take this in the bedroom. (Delia exits stage left. Dorothy alone on stage, addresses the audience) Flashback: Where did you get the fish? Dorothy: It is true what Delia says. You never really know someone. Look at me. I was married to Frank for 25 years and I thought I knew him. But one day I got a call that changed everything... SX: The phone on the telephone table rings and she picks up the receiver. The stranger’s end of the conversation is a recording, so this scene must be well timed. Dorothy: Hullo… Hullo? Stranger: Hullo could I speak to Mrs Ogle please. Dorothy: Mrs Ogle speaking. Stranger: Mrs Ogle you don’t know me, but I have something to tell you and you are not going to like it. Dorothy: Who am I speaking to? Stranger: I’d prefer not to say… You see I have a friend who is doing something that I don’t approve of. It has been going on for a very long time and she does not want to listen to me when I tell her to stop it. Dorothy: What has this got to do with me? Stranger: Mrs Ogle I don’t want to cause trouble, but I need to get this off my chest. My friend has been having an affair with your husband for years. Dorothy: I am sorry; I think you have the wrong number. Stranger: Your husband drives a red Toyota bakkie? Dorothy: Yes. Stranger: He goes fishing every Wednesday and Friday night? Dorothy: I have no idea what you are talking about! Who are you and what gives you the right to phone people and make up stories?
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Stranger: Well, when he tells you he is going fishing, he is visiting my friend in her flat. Dorothy: But he comes home with fish. Stranger: They even have a child together. Dorothy: I don’t believe you. Stranger: Just ask your husband about Yvonne? (She puts the receiver down and addresses the audience) But I couldn’t ask Frank about it because that was the day that he died in a terrible accident. Mr. Franklin Peter Ogle, eldest son of Marion & Joseph Ogle. Beloved husband of Dorothy, and a loving father to Lloyd, Delia and Donna, rest in peace and take your place among the seraphim and cherabum, an angel among men. I stood at the funeral and cried as a widow is expected to, but my tears were not tears of loss, they were tears of anger and frustration. Funny, how no one could tell the difference? (She picks up a black and white wedding photo from one of the side tables and looks at it with contempt.) You had another life Frank, another family! And you made a mockery of my life and of our family. I shared your bed for almost 25 years and I didn’t know you. The man I thought I knew was upstanding, loyal and loving. A staunch Christian and a lay minister! You had an affair Frank! And you were creeping around like a cockroach pretending you were going fishing! I am left with all these questions and no answers… The most unbearable part of it all, is not knowing the facts...the whys, the hows and the wherefores…? But I decided that your secret will go with you to the grave. We will not pay for your sins! I won’t have people whispering about me behind their hands, pitying me…I won’t be a laughing stock…the thought is unbearable! I won’t have it. So, you will stay as you lay, a good man, a good husband, Frank, a shining example for your children and your community. But after all this time, there is one thing that still bothers me? One thing that I have spent hours, days and long nights trying to figure out… Where did you get the fish? That’s what I want to know? Did you go fishing first and then go to her? Or did you go to her and then go fishing or did she go fishing with you? Or did you buy it? But there was always sea sand. And I should know because I had to clean it. You sat and had the cup of tea I made, while you watched me gut the fish. (Delia returns to the lounge, looking shiny and piqued…Dorothy busies herself tidying up, her back to Delia) Delia: Paul sends his regards. Dorothy: Thanks… When are we going to meet him? Delia: Soon. Whats wrong mummy? Dorothy: Nothing, I’m just tired. Delia: Me too, why don’t we call it a night? Dorothy: Yes, it has been a long day and we have an early start tomorrow. Donna and Vernon have an 08h00 flight to Maputo and Lloyd is arriving at 10h00.
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Delia: Oh Lord, one chick is leaving and another is arriving. Dorothy: Yes, one by one, the chickens are coming home. (Delia takes the dishes off stage. Dorothy puts the photo back into its place. Delia and comes to put her arms around her unsuspecting mother) Delia: Night Mum Dorothy: Night love. (They exit stage left together and there is a slow fade to black)
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ACT II (Enter Delia pulling a big case on wheels, Lloyd follows with two small cases and Dorothy with her hand bag. They place the 3 cases against the wall below the gilded mirror.) Delia: (Relieved to be rid of the case) God Lloyd, what do you have in there, a dead body? Lloyd: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. (He giggles) I told you to leave the big case for me. Delia: I managed, Superman... Lloyd: (Looking around and taking it all in) Wow, the lounge looks smaller but I like the changes. Dorothy: (Puts down her hand bag and hugs him) It is so good to have you home at last. (She holds him at arms length) You are looking well my son. (They sit down a bit awkwardly) So, did you see Michael waving at me in the airport? Lloyd: Ja, he sat next to me on the flight from Joburg. Delia: And did he tell you anything juicy about the case? Lloyd: No, he was the soul of discretion. Plus he must uphold attorney-client privilege. He kept it strictly personal and small talk, asked about my sisters… and I asked about his. Dorothy: Oh, he has done so well for himself that boy. His family must be very proud of him. (Delia and Lloyd roll their eyes) Delia: Hey, I read there is big trouble about how he acquired those tapes, secrets and lies broer, secrets and lies! Lloyd: So, who are you voting for? Delia: It’s a secret ballot, brother. Dorothy: Well, it’s no secret who I am voting for…I am a loyal cadre. Lloyd: Does that mean you have to vote for a man accused of rape and corruption? Dorothy: Don’t talk like that…Nothing’s been proved! Lloyd: But there is enough evidence to cast a shadow of doubt and prompt investigation. Delia: Well to be fair, he is not the first presidential candidate to be dogged by scandal. Just remember that Clinton had a history with woman prior to his presidency, and then got his lollypop licked while he was in the Whitehouse. Dorothy: Delia! Thlp! (Disgusted) Delia: Sorry Mum, all I’m saying is that politics and scandal go hand in hand… And if you are concerned about South Africa’s image in the international arena, then think Bush Junior… nobody takes the US any less seriously and just look at, France’s, Sarkozy… Lloyd: What about Sarkozy?
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Delia: Well his personal life reads like a tabloid and he has a knack for saying really ignorant things about Africa?! Controversy, questionable morality and even questionable intellect, seem to be a criteria for world leadership these days. Dorothy: Don’t forget that Zuma made a lot of sacrifices for this country. He’s a man of the people. Delia: Ja, I guess he is more accessible than our man from London (she giggles) and we all have our indiscretions, so I can’t cast stones at him… It’s just that nobody is interested enough in mine, to print them on the front page of The Daily News… (playing devil’s advocate) So Lloyd, when Zuma becomes president, what will you do? Lloyd: I’ll move to the new South Africa… Dorothy: You mean you’ll come home? Delia: No Ma, he means Australia! (Delia and Lloyd laugh hard) Dorothy: Tlph! (Clearly not impressed) Lloyd: Talking about Zuma, I need a shower. (Only Delia laughs. Dorothy gets up and walks toward the kitchen.) Dorothy: I’ll put on the kettle and I have your favourite…… koeksisters. Lloyd: Oh Ma, you always know what I need. Delia: Oh happy day, the prince is back. Now just show the peasant which case has got the presents. (Dorothy exits stage right.) SX: The phone rings. Delia answers. Delia: Hello? Hello? The connection is bad. Hello? Oh, it’s the old married lady. What’s wrong, is the honeymoon over already? You want to speak to prince charming, oh Donna your timing is bad girl, he’s in the shower. Listen here, don’t eat too much big peoples food, because you don’t want a bun in the oven in your first year of marriage hey… (Dorothy rushes in.) Dorothy: Delia stop talking nonsense to her, you are wasting her airtime. (She snatches the phone from Delia). Hello love, did you’ll arrive safely? Oh, that’s wonderful. My memories of Maputo are so vivid. When your Dad and I went it was still called Lourenco Marques. You must take a romantic evening stroll on the Polana Beach…Don’t forget to go to the Maputo Market for fresh fish, prawns and crayfish. Delia: Remind her about the cashew nuts. Dorothy: And cashew nuts. And visit the Maputo Railway Station. Did you know that the guy who designed the Eiffel Tower designed the station? Delia: Now who’s wasting her airtime? (She shouts offstage) Lloydie, Donna’s on the line.
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Dorothy: Okay love; enjoy the rest of the honeymoon. By the way, what time are you’ll getting in next Sunday? I have my women’s guild meeting and I don’t want a clash. Oh,okay, that gives me plenty of time. Just hold on for Lloyd. (Lloyd has come in from his shower. She passes the phone to him and listens.) Lloyd: How you Doughnut? It’s so good to hear your voice sis. I’m sorry about the wedding, ja man, bladdy striking airport staff. At least you captured the occasion on DVD, I can’t wait to watch it with you and you can give me a running commentary like you used to do with our favourite movies… So how’s Vees? Tell him, I say “howzit” and tell him I only have one baby sister, so he better treat you right… Don’t cry Doughnut, I am going to be here for a while so stop worrying and just enjoy your honeymoon. You deserve to be happy. (He replaces the receiver slowly) We got cut off… Dorothy: She was probably just waiting to hear your voice. You know how emotional she can get and she really put up a brave front when she heard you wouldn’t be able to give her away. (Dorothy exits to fetch tea and koeksisters. Lloyd puts on his t-shirt) Delia: So boet how come Carmel didn’t come with you? You were rather cagey on email so spill the beans… Lloyd: Not now Dee, later when we won’t be interrupted. Delia: Shoo, that sounds serious… Lloyd: (He picks up a newspaper folded neatly on the couch) Can you believe this (refers to the newspaper headline) Zuma acquittal imminent! Delia: I can actually, I knew it was just a matter of time. Lloyd: You know Delia, I cant believe the stance you taking… (Dorothy interrupts them with the tea…and Delia swallows her response) Lloyd: Oh Ma, I have dreamed about these koeksusters. Many Sundays, sitting in my flat I could swear that I smelled the sweet syrup boiling on the stove and the coconut waiting to smother these delicious beauties. Dorothy: You remind me so much of your father. He loved my koeksusters too. Delia: Ja, Daddy was a glutton, remember how he would eat the first dozen all by himself. Lloyd: He was selfish. Dorothy: Oh Lloyd, not selfish, he just had a sweet tooth. Lloyd: Yes, Ma. Flashback: Tell the truth and shame the devil LX: Fade out on Dorothy and Delia and a red wash fades up for Lloyd Lloyd: It’s hard for me to speak kindly about my father, although I keep up the pretense for my mother and the girl’s sake…but if I had a chance to speak with him face to face, I am not even The Catalina Collection 2013
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sure I would speak. I think I would let my fists do the talking for me and that is saying a hell of a lot, because I don’t ever lead with my fists. My stomach twists itself into a tight knot whenever we speak about him. My father was my hero and I was always so proud to be his son. Until the day Joey and I bunked school. We were hanging out at Shunters in the Workshop. (Inside the bar, Joey and Lloyd interact with other customers, Joey, heckles a young girl) “What kind outie? Lukka stekkie, why you gooi - ing for yourself now? El, march then…Isn’t that your ballie ekse?”. “Nay ekse, it can’t be, my ballies at graaf”. But it was him and he was walking with this lady. They were carrying Edgar’s packets and they were with this lightie who looked about my age. I left Joey and followed them, confused. They looked like a happy family. I wanted him to turn around. I wanted him to be a stranger who just looked like Frank Ogle. I found myself calling out to him…“Frank!” His back stiffened, and he quickened their pace, taking the woman by her hand and pulling her through the crowds of people walking down Pine Street. In my heart, I knew he had heard me…I knew it was no stranger. Later, when I got home, my mother said: “Lloydie I’m very disappointed in you. Your teacher called. You were not at school today hey? Wait till your father gets home.” Can you imagine getting a lecture about honesty from a liar? “So you think you are big man now? Bunking school, having a good time? Where were you today? I am talking to you. Now, you are being disrespectful on top of being deceitful. The Bible says “spare the rod and spoil the child”… Dorothy, bring me the strap. I am giving you one last chance Lloyd, “tell the truth and shame the devil”. Very well, if you won’t speak up… then this is for your own good”. LX: Black out LX: Light fades up and back in the lounge they continue to chat and drink tea. Lloyd opens the present case and begins to unpack. Dorothy: (She yawns deeply and stretches) Ay, age is really catching up with me? Delia: Mum, you were born old. Dorothy: You know Delia; you’ve got to know when to hold your tongue. Lloyd: (Interrupting) Dee this is for you… Delia: (opens the gift bag and reveals boxed perfume) The Chanel. Lloydie, I love you. (She gives him a big bear hug) My brother knows me! Dorothy: (Embarrassed by the fussing and exchange between the siblings) You shouldn’t have bothered. There is a recession going on, so we would have completely understood... Lloyd: Yes I know, but how could I come back without something for my favourite ladies? (He hands Dorothy a gift bag) Dorothy: Ooh breakfast tea from Harrods…and oh, my gosh, this scarf is gorgeous…thank you my Lloydie-boy (The women swap and admire the presents)
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Delia: So, catch us up. How are things going at work? Lloyd: Work is hectic and you have to really look after your job, especially now, as the first people to get retrenched are usually the foreigners. Delia: Ja, I guess, but not you, your skills are in demand globally. Lloyd: I brought some new photos to show you’ll. (Lloyd brings an album out of case and the 3 of them sit of the couch admiring the pictures.) Lloyd: This is our flatmate, Jason. Delia: When did you’ll get a flat mate? Do you’ll need help with the rent? Lloyd: Oh shut up Delia, Jason is a colleague of Carmel’s and he needed a place to stay until he could get on his feet. Dorothy: Carmel looks well. Her hair has grown. Delia: Mmm Jason is yummy. And you left Carmel alone in the flat with him… (She giggles). Where’s he from? Lloyd: Los Angeles. (He is visibly irritated) And this is Carmel at work with her friend Emily. They are as thick as thieves. Delia: Is she British? You can see… they just have that look about them. Lloyd: Oh Delia, you are so judgemental. What look? Delia: You know, like they have been hiding under a rock all their lives. Dorothy: They live in a country where they hardly get the sun. What do you expect? Delia: Ja, but they have no excuse because the Pound is strong. They can go somewhere and get a tan. Lloyd: (Rolling his eyes at Delia) Anyway, this is my new buddy, Gerard. We went all the way to the UK to meet… he’s a home boy from Cape Town. Delia: Isnt it funny how that happens? Somebody can grow up in your back yard and you only meet them when the time is right. Dorothy: I’m so glad you have made a good friend. Friend’s are like family when you are so far away from home… Delia: Are his front teeth real? Dorothy: Dear God, where did I get this child from? Lloyd: Didn’t you find her in Lourenco Marques? (Delia is pleased she has been able to get under their skin) Dorothy: Ok you two Bantam Cocks, I am fading, and I am no match for your word play, so I’m going to lie down. The Catalina Collection 2013
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Delia: I know what you gonna do? You are going to watch Days of Our Lives! Lloyd: Ma, are you still watching that?! Dorothy: We all have our guilty pleasures…and I’ve got to watch today’s episode because we are gonna find out the secret of baby Claire’s paternity. And I bet you’ll that Shaun’s the father. (Dorothy leaves the room, exits stage left) Lloyd: Thank God, some things never change. Delia: Okay the coast is clear, now spill your guts. Lloyd: (Conspiratorially) Truth be told sis, Carmel and I are having problems. Delia: I knew it; I could just read between the lines… I’m sorry to hear that Lloyd. Flashback: London is a cold, cold place LX: Yellow wash (Lloyd addresses audience.) She’s hardenened. All she does is go down to the pub and party with her friends. The British culture suits her. Me, on the other hand, I have never gotten used to it, or the isolation. I miss my family and our closeness. I miss the warm weather and knowing people. I know it sounds like a cliché, but I experience British people as cold; they can live next to you for years and never know your name. All I do is work, work, work, and life is expensive. I think Carmel has started to see this guy Eddie that is part of our circle and I can’t tell you how much it freaks me out, wondering about it?... I wish I knew for sure… When I asked her about it, she accused me of being insecure and making my problems her’s… (The actor playing Lloyd, transforms to portray Carmel. She is completing her beauty routine before a dressing table, putting on body lotion, face cream and getting dressed while she talks to Lloyd) Carmel: “Listen here my boy you sound more like my father everyday! Eddie is my friend and that’s it. You know Lloyd, if you don’t like my friends then you musn’t hang out with us, as it is I always have to make excuses for your sour face. Why don’t you just go home if you are so miserable here? I’ll tell you why, you don’t want people to know what has happened. Pass me the brush. What will your mother say when she finds out that her golden boy has lost his job and is now back to waitering at Nandos, puk,puk,puk,puk,puk pukuk…(she giggles). Oh Lloyd don’t take me to heart, that has always been your problem…You are too serious about everything. Lighten up… “ She didn’t even come to see me off at the airport. She made some excuse about a work function. I guess she thought “the waiter” can wait alone for the long flight home. LX: Fade to white Delia: I apologise for that stupid joke I made earlier about your flat mate. Lloyd: How were you to know? Anyway, facing the facts is what I need to do. I am so tired of secrets and suppressing my feelings. Delia: What do you mean?
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Lloyd: I know most people won’t admit that going abroad does not always work out. But I don’t mind admitting it. Delia: But you still have your job. Relationships come and go Lloyd, look at me, you live and learn. Don’t be too quick to judge yourself or the situation, a failure. Lloyd: Dee, I am one of those foreigners who were cut, I have been trying to make ends meet by holding down two casual jobs. One, involves serving chicken…It’s bad and for the first time in my life, I don’t mind calling a spade a spade. Delia: Wow, you are really dealing with a lot. You should tell Mum. Lloyd: Yes, I intend to. I have come home to make my peace. Delia: You could stay. Mum would be only too happy to have you back in the house. The timing is perfect now that Donna is moving into her place. Lloyd: Thanks. I know that I have the option of returning home. Delia: Well then, my only other advice is to choose your timing carefully when you discuss things with her. I think that Mum is more fragile than she lets on. (Dorothy puts her head round the corner from off stage left) Dorothy: And just to update you’ll, Shaun is Claire’s father and that dirty cow Kate has been exposed. You know what they say, no matter how long it takes, and the truth will always out! (They all laugh and Dorothy exits) Lloyd: Who’s Shaun? Delia: I don’t know who she is talking about; it’s been years since I watched the programme. Lloyd: I wonder if the John Black character is still around? (He mimics the eyebrow action and characteristic action man expression of the character) Ok enough about my drama, what’s been happening with you? Delia: Oh, a lot, but I don’t think you want to hear it after what you just shared. It would be like rubbing salt in an open wound. Lloyd: No, if it’s good news, then please share it; I need to hear something happy for a change. Delia: (Very pleased and excited to share) Okay, I know that I have been thin with personal info in the last few months, but I just haven’t wanted to jinx it… (Shyly) I met someone. Lloyd: Wow Dee, that’s fantastic. Is it serious? Delia: Yes. Lloyd: Serious how? Like you are moving in together? Delia: Serious like, da, dum, da, dum (hums the wedding tune) Lloyd: Marriage! Has he proposed to you?
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Delia: Ja! Don’t sound so surprised. Lloyd: This is very premature Dee; I mean we haven’t even met him? Delia: So, not everyone’s story is going to be like mum and dad… some love stories are short stories. When you know, you know. What’s the point of waiting to “get to know each other better”. Lloyd: Ok, fair enough. So, what do you know about him? Delia: All the important stuff. He’s kind and loving. He’s solvent and he does not have any skeletons in his closet, like failed marriages and illegitimate children… He’s not a pathalogical liar and he has no weird bedroom antics. Lloyd: Grrrrrrrrrr Delia: (They laugh heartily) … And I feel connected to him, I can’t explain it, but if I give it a shot, it is like I have known him my whole life. Lloyd: Okay, I’m sold. But does Ma know about the proposal? Delia: No, I didn’t want to steal Donna’s thunder. I thought it would be best if I told you all together. You have no idea how I had to bite my tongue at the wedding. Every time someone asked me when I was getting married I just wanted to shout out, soon! Angela, you will have the whole shelf to yourself! Cockeyed Betty! Lloyd: Okay, I see nothing’s changed between you and Angela…So, what’s his name and how does he make his money? Delia: Paul and he is a Chartered Accountant. Lloyd: Oh shit and now we’ll have two number crunchers in our family! Delia: Oh shut up, what’s wrong with two CA’s in the family? At least you know, your taxes will be sorted! Lloyd: That’s the truth, Ruth! So, tell me how you met Captain Numbers? Flashback: The beginning of the end (The actor playing Lloyd doubles as both Harry Pather and Paul) LX: Fade to blue Delia: I was at Midrand for our partners function and I was dancing to the rhythm of my own drum. When Harry Pather, the slimy toad, pops up, accompanied by his shadow... Harry: Howzit my Boo! If I told you, you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me? Delia: Hi Harry, no touching otherwise I will have to hurt you. Harry: What I tuned you Paul, this is one fiery chick. Delia: Ja, like the kind you can order at Nandos… be careful or I’ll give you the runs… Harry: Delia, Paul…Paul, Delia (Introducing Delia and Paul to each other on the dance floor)… Ey, PAGE 60
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how come you ou’s don’t know each other? I mean you both coloured and you both from Durban? Delia: (Rolling her eyes) Harry do you know Puven? No? How come? He’s Indian and he’s from Phoenix? Harry: Aaah, funny Delia, you’re a firecracker… (He turns and sees another young woman he would like to chat up) Ey Priya, I see you baby…shaking that… Harry’s shadow remained, I danced around him, hoping my indifference would scare him off. Then the music changed. (A romantic song begins to play. Paul extends his arms in invitation. Delia looks at him and finally takes his hand, they waltz keeping eye contact and eventually Delia rests her head on his chest. Paul smiles a gentle smile of victory.) And that was the beginning of my end…if you know what I mean? Fade to white Lloyd: Well, he sounds nice? Delia: Nice is a swearword Lloyd! He’s wonderful, an old school gentleman just like you and Dad. (Dorothy interrupts excitedly…she has had a shower, and returns to the stage in her nightgown.) Dorothy: The NPA has dropped all the charges and so there will be no trial! What a relief, things can move forward now… I’m going to call a branch meeting for Friday, and we can discuss how we celebrate this victory! Lloyd: Who’s victory?! Is this a victory for Truth…for due process…for justice? I can’t stand this hippocracy. A person should be held accountable for their actions no matter what their status. That is why there is so much corruption in this country, because people get away with murder figuratively and literally! That’s why so many people leave. They don’t believe in this country anymore. They don’t feel safe. They feel abandoned. I am sick of it. For once, I want to see someone take responsibility for their actions. I want to see some consequences. Dorothy: What consequences? There is no conclusive proof…and if there is any truth to it, you can be sure that he did not act alone, so why should he be the only one to pay? It may not seem fair to you, but at least a decision has been made and we can all get on with our lives now. Delia: Ja, all the indecision and uncertainty was causing a major loss in investor confidence which is bad news for the economy and the national psyche. Sometimes a decision that serves the greater good is the lesser of two evils. Lloyd: Really? Remember that song we used to sing at Sunday School? (He sings in parody) The wise man built his house upon a rock x2. Remember the rest of it? The foolish man built his house upon the sand and the walls came crumbling down! The continued circumvention of justice and the random application of our constitution will cultivate more corruption and eventually destroy this country! Delia: Lloyd, calm down! I see your perspective and I understand your concerns. I also accept that you can’t hold back the tide. Let’s just wait and let things take their course. We may all look back in time and be pleasantly surprised by how it turns out? Lloyd: Delia, things don’t sort themselves out, you tackle them or they get worse. You can only sweep so much under the carpet before there is a mountain in your lounge!
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Dorothy: Ok, let’s all calm down. I’ll put the kettle on… Lloyd: I don’t want tea. I want to speak truth. Delia: I think Lloyd has some things that he wants to tell you Mum. Dorothy: What things? Lloyd: I’m tired. I’m so tired. Dorothy: You must be jet lagged. Go and lie down Lloyd. Lloyd: Something happened to me, a long time ago… I met Dad’s other family. Delia: What? No, Lloyd, don’t joke; tell her about you and Carmel… Dorothy: Lloyd, I’m warning you… (Long pause as Lloyd and Dorothy survey one another. Delia sits between them confused by the atmosphere and almost like an umpire at a tennis match, she looks uncertainly from one to the other.) Lloyd: You warning me? That means you knew?! Dorothy: Think very carefully about what you say next. Delia: What’s going on here? Lloyd: The truth. Dorothy: Whose truth? Lloyd: I met Yvonne Marescia many years ago. I went to her flat, to confront her and when I got there, she invited me in. I wanted to hate her! I planned to say awful things to her, to shame her…But I found that she was just a woman, a warm, mature woman… She made me a cup of tea…told me that she had expected one of us would turn up someday…she explained that dad had courted her, and she had fallen in love with him. They had a son, and only later did she discover that he was already married with a family. He lied to her, just like he lied to us. Dorothy: How dare you?! (Delia is perfectly calm, she speaks as if she is putting a puzzle together, logically, unemotionally. Dorothy on the other hand is becoming increasingly desperate and hysterical. Lloyd moves between incredulity, despair and impotence.) Delia: Paul’s surname is Marescia. Dorothy: Stop this! Stop this! You don’t come into my home and make accusations about your father. Lloyd: No, you stop! Stop covering up. I can’t believe that you knew and said nothing? Delia: I told Aunty Yvonne I couldn’t wait to meet her… Dorothy: What should I have said, when I don’t even know if it is the truth? Someone calls one day and says that Yvonne is your father’s mistress and that they have a child together and the next thing he’s dead. Who am I supposed to turn to for answers? Should I have gone to her? How could I trust PAGE 62
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the word of a stranger, a thief?! Delia: He’s not a stranger… He’s my brother. Dorothy: Shut up Delia! Shut up, shut up! He’s not your brother! Lloyd: Dee, I am so sorry. Delia: Me too. (Resigned) I’ll have to talk to Paul. Dorothy: You don’t have to talk to him, just stay away and he will get the message. Lloyd: You don’t understand. He’s proposed to her. They’ve been intimate. Dorothy: All the more reason to keep it a secret! Delia: (Calmly determined) He deserves to know. Dorothy: (To Delia in desperation, almost hysterical.) You stay away from those people! Do you want everyone to know about her and your father? Do you want everyone to know about you and that man? Do you want to drag my name through the mud after everything I’ve done for you? Think about what this will do to Donna? …To our family’s reputation? Delia: (Neutral, almost prophetic) This is a house of sand. And we are all foolish men. (They are frozen in a tableau of desperation, despair and resignation.) Lx: Slow fade to blackout End
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Ashwin Singh Biography
Ashwin Singh is an attorney, lecturer, playwright and actor. His plays have received national and international exposure, with To House, Spice ‘n Stuff, Shooting and Marital Blitz being the most prominent. His anthology of plays, Durban Dialogues, Indian Voice was published in 2013 by Aurora Metro Books (UK). He is also a published poet and academic author. Singh is a three-time national award winner via the PANSA/NLDTF Playreading Festival (the country’s foremost playwriting contest) with his plays To House (2003); Duped (2005); and Reoca Light (2012). The Playhouse Company and the Catalina UnLtd Theatre Company have been the most prominent producers of Singh’s works.
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Spice ‘n Stuff by Ashwin Singh This version of the play premiered at the Catalina Theatre in late January 2011. Director: Themi Venturas Original Cast: Rita: Shika Budhoo Vijay: Rory Booth Thulani: Ntando Mncube Shahid: Ashwin Singh Rani / Tiny’s Mother: Kajal Maharaj Ajith / Sagren: Dhaveshan Govender Cast of characters (Age): Rita (49) Vijay (29) Thulani (28) Shahid (41) Rani (30) Ajith (30) Sagren (35) Tiny’s mother (62)
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SETTING Grey Street, a trading district in the city of Durban. SET DESIGN The play takes place in a small spice shop and in the immediate vicinity outside the shop. The spice shop should be placed centrally, with the street action taking place on left stage and right stage. The lead character, Rita interacts with most of the characters in the spice shop. The character Shahid most often appears on right stage as his store is to the right of the spice shop, although it is not revealed to the audience. The character Thulani most often appears on left stage because this is his main trading area. The character Sagren straddles between left and right as he tries to locate any potential customers. The spice shop has a small counter with two old fashioned chairs on either side of the counter. A few typical items are on display but there is no need for extravagant design. Incense must always be burning and a few colourful types of spices and herbs could be displayed. The street sections do not require a definitive design but must simply be distinguished from the shop. The design could include the street name, a bus stop sign, a rubbish bin, some litter, and a small bench. An alternative design would be to keep the shop and street quite bare and use two big screens to distinguish the locales. A picture of a variety of spices on the one screen could characterize the shop and the other screen could reflect the diverse features of Grey Street through changing pictures from its early days to current day. These pictures are widely available on the internet and create something of the atmosphere of Grey Street. ACT I (Lights come up on Rita, Vijay, Shahid, Sagren and Thulani in frozen position. Rita and Vijay are in the spice shop. Shahid and Sagren are on right stage. Thulani is on left stage. Theme music plays for a few seconds. As the music fades, Vijay kisses Rita on her cheek and then exits. Rita then does her monologue and Shahid, Sagren and Thulani remain frozen.) Rita: May is the most beautiful month in Durban. In Grey Street, people always seemed to walk more briskly and smile more broadly in May. I had first started business here in the month of May. Fifteen years ago. I had given up teaching primary school English to help my husband run a spice shop. And even after he had passed on, after so many of the old storekeepers had left, after this place had changed so much, there still seemed to be some magic in May. (Pause). But in the May of 2006, the month just seemed like any other. And as the days passed, my neighbouring vendors and I talked more and more about a time gone by. (Pause. Rita walks toward the door and looks out). Still, as I stood in my store one more time, I heard the various sounds of Grey Street shouting out to the world. (We hear the sounds of people shouting; buses hooting and police sirens wailing. Then the various characters come to life.) Thulani: Hey my friends, come see my nice toys. Buy some for your little boys. I’ve got cars, trains and planes. No more sad when it rains. Hey madame, come see. I’ll make you a nice price. Please sir, put a smile on your son’s face. (Freezes). The Catalina Collection 2013
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Sagren: How’s it, lahnee. I got a genuine Rolex, for you here. No fakes, bru. This is the real thing. (Pause) 2 clips. No, no, wait man. I got a lovely necklace here for your cherry. Put a smile on her face. She’ll think you’re the ace. Invite you to her place. 100 bucks, bru. (Freezes). Shahid: (Pakistani accent) Jaldi karo, Fareida. Jaldi karo. Don’t worry about that rude man. You know there’s so many like that who hate us. Just serve the other customer. (Freezes). Thulani: What about these special ornaments I make, people? I got dogs. I got cats. I got dolphins. I got vases for your flowers. What about these beautiful beads? I make it all myself. (Freezes). Sagren: No, no. I’m not gonna buy whiskey, bru. You can’t even buy good whiskey for R100. I’m just joking, lahnee. What’s that? Hey, I’m not a thief. My cousin owns a jewellery store. He felt sorry for me. You know, because I lost my job. I got a family to feed, bru. (Pause) Hey, you don’t wanna buy, vie. Don’t give me a sermon. My father-in-law’s a preacher. And my aunty’s a teacher. (Freezes). Shahid: Come on. Come on. Walk inside. Walk inside. Have a look. Come on ladies. Buy one cell phone. Get 2, 3 free. The best deals in town. Our special today – buy this Nokia phone, and we’ll give you for free, one hands free kit, one pouch, and 2 tickets to Salman Khan’s new movie. Back isle seats. (Freezes). Thulani: What’s that, madame? Ja, it’s R10 for the lion and the elephant. Together. Ai, it’s cheap. In the flea market, it’s double. I’ll give you the leopard for free. (Pause) Not today, hey? (Freezes). Sagren: Hey aunty. (He shows his overcoat) See what I got inside for you. (Pause) No, not like that aunty. You’re not understanding me. I got some lovely DVDs here. Twelve films on one disc aunty. Oh okay, no lucker. Go buy the new DVDs from the White shops. (Pause). How’s it, bra. Hell, don’t turn away. Open your eyes. (He exits left stage, calling after the man.) Shahid: (His cell phone rings.) Hello. Shahid here. Oh, hello Inspector Naidoo. Ja, I got “Black” here. Plus 2 more movies on the same disc. For 50 bucks. (Pause) No, Amitabh’s new movie is coming to the cinema next month. But I got it on DVD already. (Pause) 40 bucks. When you coming? This afternoon. No problem. (Freezes). Thulani: What’s that, sir? You’re looking for Singh’s Spice Shop? Just down the road sir. Go see Rita. Say Thulani sent you. Masala tea is on special today, sir. Hey people. For all the best spices. At the best prices. Go to Singh’s Spice ‘n Stuff. Your curry will be so hot, there’ll be nothing left in your pot. (Turns around to point out shop). Singh’s Spice ‘n Stuff. 121 Grey Street. Hey! My bag! My bag! My God. Indian boys are stealing now. Help me. Catch him. Someone please help me. (He runs after the boy, exiting right stage.) Shahid: (Still on cell phone). Inspector Naidoo, I got a ticket the other day for speeding. 150 on a 80 zone. You think you can sort it out? (Pause) Hey, thanks man. I’m looking forward to see you, my friend. I’ll give you for free Tanzen Nepaul’s new CD. (He is about to exit, but then Sagren comes hurrying passed.) Sagren: Shahid, I have to return some of your DVDs. Nobody wants to buy these. (He hands a few DVDs to Shahid).
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Shahid: How many did you sell? Sagren: I sold about a dozen this week. Shahid: Okay, that’s not bad. Here. (He hands Sagren some money.) Sagren: Shahid, I think you must be careful about selling pirated DVDs over the next couple of weeks. One of my contacts told me that the “copyright cops” are planning a raid. Shahid: What contacts do you have? Sagren: I know what’s happening on the street, Shahid. Even Thulani’s friend told him about the raid. Shahid: I’ve got police contacts too. You don’t worry about all this Sagren. You just do your thing. Sagren: Shot lahnee. You handle it your way. But I won’t take any more DVDs from you right now. I’ll see you Shahid. (Sagren exits right stage. Rita enters left stage, carrying some packets of tea, and is about to enter her shop when she sees Shahid.) Rita: Morning Shahid. Shahid: Morning Rita. You drinking green tea now. Rita: I like trying some of Mr. Chang’s tea. Shahid: Fareida told me you give him some of your masala tea and he gives you some green tea. Rita: Yes. An old fashioned exchange of products. You don’t approve? Shahid: No, I’m not saying that. It’s just that these Chinese traders are so cold to us. Rita: Just like some Pakistani traders are to me. Shahid: My family and I are not like that to you Rita. Rita: I know Shahid. Just like Mr. Chang and his family are decent to me. Shahid: Okay Rita. I suppose just like us they are just trying to make a good living. Er … did the … er … spice thief come again last night? Rita: (Worried). Yes. Shahid: I’m sorry Rita. Did he take only a few spices again? Rita: Yes. I don’t understand what’s going on. Shahid: You must tell the police Rita. Rita: It’s okay Shahid. Vijay is handling it.
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Shahid: Oh, okay. Er … are you still thinking about my offer to take over your store? Rita: Shahid, I told you, I’m not interested in your offer. Shahid: I thought you might think about it some more. Rita: There’s nothing to think about Shahid. I’m keeping my store. Shahid: Okay. Okay Rita. I don’t want to push things. I admire your courage. Rita: Thank you Shahid. See you later. Shahid: Have a good day Rita. (Rita enters her store and Shahid exits. Rita lights some incense and says a silent prayer. She clasps her hands above her head to a frame. Then she sits behind the counter and looks out into the street.) Rita: Come on. Somebody please come. (A few seconds pass as Rita nervously fiddles around the counter. Then she notices someone coming in.) Oh no. Not Tiny’s mother. She thinks she shits chocolate fudge ice cream with hazelnuts and raisins. (Tiny’s mother enters with a scowl on her face.) Hello Aunty. How are you? Tiny’s mother: (In her usual arrogant tone.) I’m fine. It’s my daughter-in-law who’s sick. She’s been having stomach problems since last week because of the gharam masala I bought from you. Rita: (Irritated) I think you’re mistaken aunty. You never buy anything from me. You just poke around, complain about everything and leave. Tiny’s mother: You calling me a liar? I came on Saturday morning. You were not here at that time. I bought from your son. Rita: Well it can’t be my masala. Nobody else complains. Tiny’s mother: Who can complain? I don’t think anybody buys from you anymore. Rita: (Restraining herself) I’m doing alright aunty. Not all of us storekeepers are as lucky as you and your son. Tiny’s mother: We work very hard. That’s why God blesses us. Rita: We all work hard aunty. But some of us don’t go around to other vendors’ stores to look down on them. Tiny’s mother: What are you talking about Rita? Rita: On the few occasions I have come to your shoe store aunty, I haven’t snooped around PAGE 70
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and made sarcastic comments. I just bought a pair of shoes and left. Tiny’s mother: Oh, what you saying Rita? You think I don’t feel sorry for the struggling shopkeepers here in Grey Street. My son and I support the Grey Street Traders’ Association. We helped lot of people here. Even Africans too. I don’t think you can accept criticism of your spices. Rita: There’s nothing wrong with my spices. You know there’s a bug going around. Maybe that’s why your daughter-in-law is sick. Tiny’s mother: She don’t get bugs. She’s a P.E. teacher. (Illustrate following movements). And when she comes home she cooks, cleans, waters the garden, feeds the dog, and looks after her husband and me. She’s very fit. Rita: I see you are very complimentary of your daughter-in-law but I heard that she and your son wanted to put you in an old age home. (Tiny’s mother is shocked. She takes some tablets and steadies herself.) Tiny’s mother: All lies. Devi must have told you that. She’s very jealous. Because her daughter-inlaw still makes her do all the housework while she goes and gambles at Suncoast. Rita: Do you want a refund aunty? Tiny’s mother: Maybe you can give me a discount. How much is this figs? Rita: R2 a packet. Tiny’s mother: So expensive. I can get it for R1,50 in the market. Rita: Then why don’t you go there? Tiny’s mother: It’s too far to walk. My son can’t drive me there now. He’s gone to the BMW dealers. He’s buying a 4 times 4. Rita: (Sarcastically) That’s very nice. Look, you can have the figs for free. Tiny’s mother: (Forceful) I don’t want anything for free. Rita: Well then if there’s nothing that I can do for you aunty, please excuse me. I’d rather sew some blouses while I’m waiting for customers. Tiny’s mother: In fact that’s why I really came. My daughter is getting married next month. Found herself a nice doctor. He got his own practice in Tong … er … Ballito. Myself and some relatives need sari blouses. Savi told me you sew nicely. And you are very cheap. Rita: But aunty, you’re not worried my blouses will give you a skin rash, like my masala gave your daughter-in-law a stomach ache. Tiny’s mother: Don’t give me buck. I’m trying to help you. Rita: You’re trying to help yourself. The only reason you want to hire me is that I’m the cheapest.
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Tiny’s mother: Hey, I’m not a cheap skate. Rita: Anyway, I’m very busy right now. Tiny’s mother: You don’t want to do it Rita? I have 12 people for you. Plus my two nieces want Punjabis made. (Rita is very tempted and looks awkwardly at Tiny’s mother.) That’s a lot of business. I don’t think you can afford to say no. (Awkward pause.) Rita: Is your sister Shanta one of the twelve? Tiny’s mother: Yes. Rita: Then I’ll deal with her. Only her. (Tiny’s mother smiles as if she has gained a victory.) Tiny’s mother: That’s fine. But you deal with me now. Take my measurements. (Rita hesitates for a second, then submits.) Rita: Come to the back. (The two ladies move towards the back, but then Tiny’s mother notices something.) Tiny’s mother: I see you got no chicken tikka spices left. What happened? Did people complain about that too? (Rita sighs and pushes Tiny’s mother into the back. Thulani enters right stage, in a hurry followed by Shahid. Thulani sees that his bag has been dropped. ) Shahid: Hey! What are you doing? Just leave him boy. Thulani: I am not a boy! That is a boy. He stole my bag. Shahid: Ja, so you got it back now. He dropped it down. Why do you want to catch him? To hit him? (Thulani wriggles out of Shahid’s grasp.) Thulani: I don’t hit little boys. Shahid: Good. You must report it to the police. Thulani: Ja, the policeman saw me chasing after him, and he carried on eating his ice cream. Shahid: Well, it doesn’t matter. You got your bag back. Thulani: Yes. If I lost this bag I would starve today. Would you have given me some Chicken Tikka?
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(Pause). You know Shahid, the other day I saw you and your brother chasing after a Black boy, who stole a cell phone. And after you slapped him, you took him to the police station. But today it’s different. Shahid: That Black boy has been stealing all over the place. Lucky I caught him. This boy – it’s first time. Thulani: And now you let him go, soon it’ll be 100 times. (Vijay enters from left stage, carrying a rose.) Vijay: Don’t debate criminal justice with shallow Shahid, my friend. Thulani: Vijay. Shahid: What happened man? Another girl returned your rose. Vijay: He knows nothing about romance either. He would never buy flowers for his wife. In fact, all our local merchant king can talk about is tikka masala, pirated DVDs and the Brown Man’s Wish. Thulani: Brown Man’s Wish? Vijay: The BMW. (Thulani laughs). Shahid: You don’t know what I can talk about. Vijay: (Approaches Shahid). Well let’s see then. Can you comment on the government’s proposed new legislation for small business enterprises? Can you analyse the burdensome taxation laws applicable to close corporations? Do you even understand the distinction between a private company and a close corporation? Hmm? Shahid: No. I don’t know your big words. Vijay: Yes. But you’re making big money, hey? Shahid: Yes. I’m making big money. Much more than you. Vijay: (Puts his arm around Shahid.) Yes. That’s Shahid’s great triumph over me. He doesn’t understand anything I say, but he makes a lot more money than me or my mum. And he loves to shove it down my throat. Hey Shahid? You like to make fun of me with your Pakistani brothers. Shahid: I don’t make fun of you. You make fun of me. But what do you know of me? (Vijay removes his arm from around Shahid.) Vijay: (Menacing) Go back to the shithole you came from. You know nothing of our struggle. Shahid: I know struggle. When I come here three years ago, I stay in one room with ten of my family and friends. But I hurt no one to make money.
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Vijay: You hurt people every day. Shahid: Lies. I even try to help your mummy. She can’t pay rent. My brother will take over her store. Make it a tikka place. And she can work for him. Vijay: And what about our legacy? Give up our store so she can slave for you! Thulani: Spice ‘n Stuff is there for over fifteen years. Shahid: But she can’t pay rent. Mr. Maharaj will throw her out. Vijay: And then Tariq’s Terrific Tikka will spring up. But we still have one more day to pay. So tell your wife to put away mummy’s recipes for a while. Now why don’t you go back and sell your shit to your cop friends. (Shahid exits dejectedly.) Thulani: (A little concerned.) I think maybe you hurt him, Vijay. Sometimes you are too hard man. Vijay: Why do you care about his feelings, Thulani? He treats you like shit. Thulani: No he doesn’t. I think, maybe he’s just frightened of Black people. Vijay: He doesn’t seem frightened when Black businessmen come to buy his cell phones. Thulani: I don’t know Vijay. I’ve got other concerns. Vijay: No sales today? Thulani: Nothing. Nothing this whole week. I saw Mr. Dlamini yesterday. He said he can’t give me the clerk’s job unless I register to do the Business Management Course at college. I told him that I have three years experience doing that job, but he says no. But I still need another R1000 to pay registration fees. Vijay: He can’t loan you the money? Thulani: No. He’s already funding two employees. Vijay: I wish I could help you brother. But I have to help my mum right now. Thulani: No, it’s okay Vijay. Just as long as you can help me with my studies. Vijay: Of course. Thulani: It’s not all bad. Because I’ll tell you why. There’s a guy – I think he’s from, er, Norway or somewhere – he was at Victoria Market last week. And he saw some of my things and liked them. He said if I can make him a special big five, he will pay me R600. Vijay: Really? Thulani: Ja. He said he was coming again this week, but I didn’t see him yet. Vijay: Did you make it?
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Thulani: I’m nearly finished. Hey Vijay, Uyabona umfana. You must see it. Ngiyakutshela. It’s going to be beautiful. Vijay: Bring it to the store tomorrow afternoon. Thulani: I will. (Pause). Anyway, I must go. Where are you taking that rose? Vijay: It’s where I’m coming from with it. Thulani: Where? Vijay: From Mr. Pillay’s store. I wanted to give it to his beautiful daughter, Samantha. But she refused to accept it. Thulani: Oh, you know why Vijay? She likes that bus driver, Tony. Vijay: So she said. What is it about young Indian women’s attraction to the purveyors of public transport? Thulani: (confused). Ai wena. What’s that? Vijay: Never mind. I think they’re attracted to the vehicle, not the driver. There’s something powerful about sitting in the hotseat. Next to the driver. While everybody else fights for a seat ... you’re the belle of the bus. (Thulani is bemused). Thulani: Didn’t that other girl you liked, what’s her name, er, Leela, also like a bus driver? Vijay: No, no Thulani. She liked a taxi driver. Give her credit. She had more ambition. A faster vehicle to romantic bliss. (Thulani laughs.) Thulani: You should just forget about these girls and concentrate on Rani. Vijay: Rani? What are you talking about? Thulani: Oh, come on Vijay. I see how you act around her when she visits your ma’s store. Vijay: Shit. I hope it’s not so obvious to her. Thulani: I think she knows. (Vijay looks pensive.) Vijay: It’s just a crush. She’s a beautiful woman, just out of reach. It’s a common story. Thulani: Don’t worry Vijay. You’re the man. I know there’ll be someone special for you. Vijay: You know, I said to myself as I was walking around serving these notices, I said I hope I see Thulani. Because he always makes me feel better. Even on the days I wish I had stuck to lecturing. Not tried to become a lawyer. (Thulani smiles.) The Catalina Collection 2013
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Thulani: Ai, you had to become a lawyer. To be part of the big bad world, hey. Anyway it’s only your last two days as a trainee lawyer now. After that the big boss will pay you the big bucks. Vijay: Maybe. (Pause). Thulani: You going back to the office now? Vijay: Not just yet. I’m going to grab a bunny chow. And see if any girls will accept my rose. Today is one day I don’t have to fight to find time to have a piss. The boss is on a trial in Joburg. Thulani: Hey, mncwa mfanaman, that’s good. Enjoy it. Vijay: See you later, my friend. Thulani: Moja Vijay. (Turns to exit. Suddenly Rita comes rushing towards them, carrying a packet.) Rita: Thulani. Thulani. (He turns around.) Vijay: Ma. What’s going on? Rita: Thulani, there was a guy from Norway who came to the store to look for you. He said you told him he might find you there. Thulani: Yes. He wants to buy something from me. Rita: Yes. He told me that if I see you I must tell you that he’s going to the flea market. You can find him there. Thulani: Oh, thank you Rita. Thank you. Vijay: Good luck Thulani. Thulani: Sharp. (Thulani exits.) Vijay: Ma, I met my police contact, Inspector Moolla at court today. He’s going to send a constable to the shop tomorrow to check if the spice thief left any fingerprints. Rita: Okay son. (Pause). Who is that rose for? Vijay: For you Ma. I was just bringing it to the store. (He gives it to her. She smiles broadly.) Rita: Thank you son.
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(Vijay points to the packet.) Vijay: What’s that? Rita: It’s samoosas. Summaya ran out. So she wanted to buy some from me. Why don’t you come with me? Say hello to Uncle Ismail. Vijay: I have to serve these notices to storekeepers. Pay up or receive summons in two weeks. Rita: Next week it might be my turn. Vijay: It’s Thursday, Ma. That’s your lucky day, isn’t it? You always have good things happening on Thursdays. Rita: Maybe it’ll be your lucky day today, son. The boss will fly back later and tell you that you are the new associate attorney. Vijay: And then I’ll take you to Gateway to India to celebrate. We’ll have rhogan josht, sweet larsee and ghoolab jamun. Rita: Wow! For once I won’t have to cook. (Pause. Rita strokes Vijay’s face.) My beautiful Vijay. You are my light. (Vijay holds her.) Lights fade to blackout.
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ACT II (Lights come up on Rita and Rani. They are seated in the shop, having tea and chatting. Rita is seated behind the counter and Rani seated opposite her.) Rita: So who said that Rekha mustn’t marry Raj? Rani: Pat. Rita: Which Pat? Thin Pat or Fat Pat? Rani: Fat Pat. Rita: Right. Fat Pat doesn’t like Raj because he didn’t want to go out with his daughter. Rani: Yes. Anyway Cookie jumped in and said that... Rita: Which Cookie? Big Cookie or small Cookie? Rani: (Irritated). Er, small Cookie. She said that she saw Raj with another girl at Suncoast. Rita: What a place to take her. Where all the Indians hang out. Rani: It’s all lies. So Harry said... Rita: Rich Harry or dirty Harry? Rani: (Very irritated.) Oh! I’m not carrying on with the story. I can hardly finish a sentence with your – Rita: I’m sorry Rani. But your family is complex. And they have similar nicknames. Rani: Well, all Indian families are complex Rita. Anyway, the short version is that Rekha has postponed the wedding. She wants some time to think. Rita: Well that’s good for you. Your family will be focused on your cousin, so they won’t put pressure on you to get married. Rani: I don’t care about their pressure. I’ll get married when I’m ready. Rita: The theatre producer is going to ask you very soon. Rani: Nonsense. It’s early days in our relationship. And now we’ve got the show to put on … look, right now we’re enjoying being best friends. Rita: I married my best friend. (Pause as both women reflect.) But maybe that was …I was so young… never mind. (Awkward pause.) Rani: (Playfully) But come on now Rita. It’s been nearly five years since Sanjeev passed away. What about a new man for you? Hey? I see how Mr. Gobind looks at you when he comes in PAGE 78
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here. He’s coming for another kind of spice. Rita: Oh, be quiet you. I thought when Nalini emigrated last year that sort of taunting would stop. But I see you’ve taken my baby sister’s place. Rani: You’re a beautiful woman, Rita. Rita: Rani, I haven’t met someone with whom I want to share my life story. (Pause). Anyway, I’m interested in your wedding. I’ll be taking care of all the little details. Rani: Of course. Rita: And I’ll be sewing your sari blouse. Rani: Oh, speaking about blouses. I nearly forgot. My friend Shamilla needs a sari blouse for her brother’s wedding. Can you come take her measurements on Saturday afternoon? Rita: Definitely. Thank you Rani. Rani: It’s a pleasure, my friend. Rita: So how’s rehearsals going? Rani: Tiring, but it’s going very well. Rita: I read an article about the show in last night’s paper. It’s going to be huge. Rani: Spectacular. Rita: The article said that some of the big TV producers from Joburg are coming to see it. Rani: And a director from India. I met him last week. Oh Rita, if it goes well, then anything is possible. Rita: I’m so happy for you Rani. Rani: I guess I should just be grateful that my boyfriend is a big producer. Rita: You got the part because of your talent Rani. Rani: But I haven’t danced professionally for 3 years Rita. Rita: You’re going to be great. Rani: You know I spent my young life trying desperately for a breakthrough in theatre, and had to settle for a small catering business. And now at 30 this happens. Rita: You’re still a baby Rani. Rani: Not as a dancer Rita. Rita: Well, I can’t wait to see you perform. How about some more tea? The Catalina Collection 2013
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Rani: I can never say no to your tea Rita. (As Rita pours, she notices someone outside and looks toward the door.) Who’s that? Rita: It’s Mr. Dookie. I thought he was coming in. He used to come every week, but now …. Rani: How many customers have you had this week? Rita: About half a dozen. And only two bought something substantial. Rani: Was it Fathima and Andrew again? Rita: Yes. Bless them. Fathima’s been my best customer for over five years. And Andrew still drives all the way from Umhlanga to buy spices from me once a week. Rani: Ja, he’s willing to take that risk, hey? You know on my way here, I went passed Gopal’s Gift Shop. He says the A Team robbed his store again on Tuesday. The old man says he’s going to close up. Rita: Yes. Next month. Even if he wasn’t robbed, he can’t compete with the Chinese Gift Shops. Rani: Rita, it’s only a matter of time before …. Rita: Before they rob me again. Rani: Yes. And I’m sorry to say, but this time they might hurt you. Rita: It’s not just the A Team. There are different criminals here every week. Rani: Exactly. Every two weeks I come here I hear about at least two or three tragic stories. I don’t want to hear yours. Rita: I’ll survive. Rani: For how long Rita? You might pay this month’s rent. But what about next month? It doesn’t matter how good your spices are, no one wants to come here. Maybe if some of the other old stores were still here, they might still come. But they’re not going to come for one spice shop. People would rather go to the malls. Rita: Malls. Ja, where there are so many exploiters. Rani: And many decent people just trying to earn a living. Rita: Hmm. You go to these people, buy a month’s supply and then get hijacked on your way out of the mall. Rani: You know that seldom happens. Rita: What do you want me to do? (Pause). Rani: Rita, you’re a dear friend to me. And I’ve admired you for a long time. So let me come PAGE 8 0
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clean now. I didn’t come here to buy spices from you today. Rita: Oh. Rani: I came to ask you for permission to talk to Anand about you. You know he has many business contacts. And I told you that his brother wants to open an Eastern fashion store at the Pavilion. Rita: I don’t want Mr. Bollywood’s help. Look, don’t get me wrong. I like Anand. I want you to marry him. But I don’t want him involved in this. Rani: He is involved. His uncle owns most of the property on this street, including yours. Rita: Yes, his uncle. Who he hardly speaks to – Rani: Rita, he can – Rita: No Rani. Look, Vijay is definitely going to be an associate attorney in his firm next month. That will ease my burden. (Rani stands up and looks out into the street. There is silence for a few seconds.) Rani: You know when I used to come here a few years ago, I would look forward to each trip. I would lose myself in the bazaars. Let my nose lead me to all the little eateries. Be enchanted by the unique little shops in the arcades. (Short pause). And I used to see many hopeful faces. The old storekeepers, just like you and Sanjeev. I don’t see that now. I see more and more Pakistani cell phone shops and take-aways. More Black hawkers every week. Old family stores closing because of crime or because there are no customers coming... Rita: But still you come. And you buy the spices for your catering business from Singh’s Spice ‘n Stuff. Rani: Not for much longer. Rita: What? What do you mean? Rani: I’ve been thinking Rita. My catering business has no long term potential. Since Mr. Naidoo went into partnership with Mr. Maharaj, I’ve been unable to compete. They get all the big clients. Rita: So what will you do? Are you going into the arts full time? Rani: I would like to. We’ll have to see how it goes. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll have to apply to the catering school to lecture. Rita: I’m sorry that your business is not working out Rani. But you still have choices hey. Rani: So do you Rita. You can let your life drift away here, or you can be part of a business which will reward your special skills. And let you and Vijay breathe again. Rita: We started Singh’s Spice ‘n Stuff in the last days of Apartheid. We’ve endured discrimination, crime, depression. We’ve lived in uncertainty. (Pause). I’m going to be 50 next year Rani. In a few months, Vijay will be 30. I know these are urgent times. (Suddenly there is a loud sound of people chanting.) The Catalina Collection 2013
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Rani: What the hell is that? (Rita looks out). Rita: It’s a group of security guards. They’re on strike. I think they’re marching to West Street. Rani: I’ll bet they’ll start looting soon. Rita: No, they won’t. (Another loud noise.) Rani: Oh my God! Rita, one of them is throwing boulders at shop windows. Rita: (Moving towards the counter). Come away from there Rani. (Rani moves behind the counter. Rita remains, looking out.) Rani: Come here Rita. It’s not safe. (Rita hesitates, and then she and Rani move to the back of the store. Vijay enters right stage, watching the security guard’s protest.) Vijay: Shit! There’s always one idiot who mucks it up for everyone. (Suddenly Ajith enters right stage and rushes passed Vijay.) Vijay: Ajith! How’s it cousin? Ajith: (Awkward). Hello Vijay. Vijay: Why are you running? Ajith: That mob has gone wild. Vijay: It’s just one guy who’s out of control. (Vijay looks into the distance). There. The police have caught him. Ajith: Good. Bloody security guards behave like criminals. Vijay: They’re protesting Ajith. They get paid peanuts. Ajith: So do I. But I don’t damage innocent people’s property because of that. Vijay: Your views are too simplistic. Ajith: Oh, of course! You’re the intellectual. The lawyer. Vijay: There’s no need for this Ajith. We can be civil to each other. After all, we’re cousins. Ajith: Some cousin.
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Vijay: What’s that supposed to mean? (Pause). Ajith: You’ve never even visited my mum even though you know she’s on her death bed. Vijay: Hey, we ask Aunty Sheila about her every day. And you know that my mum sends food for her regularly. Ajith: Food! Ja, she drops it off at our neighbour’s flat. She can’t even face my mum! Vijay: Look Ajith, I know things ended badly between our families. And I don’t know the whole story – Ajith: No, you don’t. Vijay: Yes. But we’ve prayed for your mum. What else do you want me to do? I’m not a doctor. Ajith: No. You’re a lawyer. You only help scum. (Ajith turns to leave.) Vijay: You’re not the only one feeling pain, cousin. I’ve seen you at Game. You turn away and act like you didn’t see me. When have you asked about our lives? (Ajith turns around.) Ajith: How’s your spice shop Vijay? Paying the rent? Vijay: We’ll manage. Ajith: I hear someone’s been stealing your spices every day. (Sarcastically). How you gonna manage that? (Vijay looks sadly at Ajith.) Vijay: Give my aunty my regards, Ajith. (Ajith turns away slowly and then exits left stage. Vijay looks at his watch, then out into the distance. He begins walking down right stage. His cell phone rings. He stops and answers.) Hello Candice. (Pause). What? The boss is back from Joburg. (Pause). He wants to see me urgently. Did he say why? (Pause). About the associate’s position. (Excited). Okay. I’m coming right now. Hold thumbs Candice. This could be my big day. (Vijay exits. Rita and Rani emerge from the back of the store.) Rita: I think they’ve stopped Rani. (Rita moves forward and looks out). Yes. It’s safe. (Rani stares ahead.) Rani: I hope they haven’t damaged much property. Rita: (Staring out.) It doesn’t seem like there’s much damage.
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Rani: (Coming forward.) I parked my car just down the road. I hope they didn’t scratch it or anything. Rita: Your car seems fine Rani. Don’t worry now. Everything is quiet. (Sagren enters and walks into the store.). Sagren: Hello Rita. Hello Rani. Nice to see you. Rani: How are you Sagren? Sagren: Well thanks Rani. Er, Rita, here’s the money for the blouses you sewed. From big aunty’s small sister. Rita: Thanks Sagren. And here’s the blouses for small kaki’s big daughter-in-law. Rani: What? Okay, never mind. How’s your lovely daughter Sagren? Sagren: Oh, she’s growing up so fast. You know I was taking her to visit sister-in-law the other day … it’s funny, we still say sister-in-law. I know her for 20 years and I still don’t know her name. Rita: That’s the case in many Indian families Sagren. You know, every Indian family will call some senior member of the family by their title or by how they are related to someone in the family. And not by their name. Sagren: Ja, I know. People used to call my mother – Saggie’s Ma. Rita: That’s right. People used to call my elder brother Dolly’s son. Sagren: Ja, you know we used to call my favourite cousin sister, Darling Aka. Rita: My favourite aunty used to just be called Sister. And when her smaller sister came to stay with us, we called her Sister’s Sister. (Rita and Sagren laugh). Sagren: What was I telling you about Rita? Rita: Er, I can’t remember, Sagren. Rani: Why am I not surprised? Sagren: Er, well, may I have half a dozen sweet corn samoosas for my daughter please? Rita: Of course, my friend. What happened about that job in the factory you were telling me about? Sagren: No, it didn’t work out. The conditions were terrible. Rita: But you should have tried it for a little longer Sagren. These are heavy times. Sagren: No, you see I’m waiting for word from my neighbour’s friend’s uncle, about a new shoe factory that he is opening in Phoenix. Near my house. Rani: Do you still try to sell some of your interesting gadgets to make extra money Sagren? PAGE 84
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Sagren: Every now and then. I’ve got a new product now called “The Miracle Cutter”. You must check it out Rani. I’m going to do a special presentation tomorrow outside Mr. Pillay’s store. You know why – cos all the ladies take the taxi near his store. Rani: I look forward to that Sagren. I remember that you’ve come up with some very unusual products in the past. Rita: Our friend is very creative Rani. Don’t you remember his clever sale’s pitch at the shoe store? Rani: He always got my attention. Sagren: That was a long time ago. Rani: It was not so long ago. Sagren: It seems like a long time. Rita: I hardly go to the store now. Your old boss lady has all her creepy relatives working there now. (Pause. Sagren deep in thought.) Sagren: I remember the day she fired me. I woke up with a terrific bablaas. I had to have a quick brandy cure. I remember staring at that bottle. And I said to myself – don’t drink any more Sagren. Not today. Or you going to get fired. And I put it away. I went to work sober. You know, even when I drank sometimes in the day, I did my job. But of course, just on that day I had to meet the most horrible customer of my life. I said to myself – be calm Sagren. The boss lady is after you. And then that customer started insulting me. And I lost it. I could see that she was happy. The boss lady was smiling. Now she could fire me without any legal problems. (Pause). Maybe I should have had that shot after all. Rita: It’s alright Sagren. That’s finished now. Sagren: Ja, I’m better off not working for her. Rita: Here’s your daughter’s samoosas. I put in a few extra. It’s my new recipe. Tell me what she thinks. Sagren: Oh, thank you Rita. She loves your samoosas. I told her, don’t worry, Singh’s Spice ‘n Stuff will always be around so you can always have Aunty Rita’s samoosas. Rita: I don’t know about that. Sagren: I have a good feeling Rita. Anyway, I must go now. Rita: Bye Sagren. Sagren: Bye Rita. Lovely to see you Rani. Rani: Take care Sagren. (Sagren exits). Rita: He’s a lovely man. I hope his luck changes. The Catalina Collection 2013
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(Rita’s cell phone rings.) Hello Niren. (Awkward.) Er, I , er don’t have any chicken tikka spices right now. Er, I’ll get more next week. (Pause.) Yes, I know. Try me next week please. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up.) Rani: (Surprised). You don’t have any chicken tikka spices? Rita: No. Rani: (Confused). Why not? Rita: I’ve been the victim of a spice thief. Rani: A spice thief. Rita: Yes. For the last three days. (Concerned). It’s the weirdest thing. This thief has been taking spices on each of the three days which actually are the spices I use for my home menu on each of those days. Rani: (Confused). What? Rita: You know how it is with us Hindi women, Rani. It’s fish on Mondays, veg on Tuesdays, chicken on Wednesdays, mutton on Thursdays and sugar beans and roti on Fridays. Rani: So you are saying that he stole spices on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday which correlate with your menu on those days. (Rita nods.) Look, it’s probably just coincidence. Rita: It’s strange. Rani: That’s not the point, Rita. The point is that you can ill-afford to lose any spices, whatever the pattern. How is he getting in? Rita: I don’t know. There’s no sign of forced entry. Rani: (Perturbed) I know you take your cash away on Fridays, but did he steal any other valuables? Rita: Nothing. Thulani keeps his goods here overnight, but he didn’t touch that either. Rani: It seems like he has a key to your store. Rita: I don’t know Rani. Some of the thieves we get here nowadays are very sophisticated. They use all kinds of methods. Mrs. Reddy was cleaned out last week and there was no sign of forced entry. Rani: Did you report it to the police? Rita: They have their hands full with the A Team and other violent criminals. They’re not gonna pay attention to this. Rani: (More to herself.) Why does he steal a few spices each day?
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Rita: Exactly. Rani: You don’t think it’s Thulani, do you? Rita: Absolutely not. Straight away you point fingers at the Black man. Rani: Come on Rita. You know I’m not racist, but – Rita: That’s the most overused line in South Africa. And usually after the “but” comes the most racist remark. Rani: I’m just saying, Rita, that Thulani is struggling. Didn’t Vijay say that he’s battling to raise money for registration. People are capable of anything when they’re desperate. Rita: We know Thulani for two years now. He’s one of us. (Uneasy pause.) Rani: It couldn’t be an angry relative, could it? (Vijay has entered through the back door and now appears.) Vijay: Which one from the long list, Detective Govender? Rita: Vijay. Vijay: You see Ma pissed off a lot of relatives after she refused to take care of her mother-in-law when dad passed away. Rita: She was a witch. She used to spit all over the house. And swear me. Vijay: Oh, there’s no need to explain Ma. Rani: How are you Vijay? Vijay: (Sarcastically.) I’m just great. Sold any spices today Ma? From the few you have left. Rita: What’s wrong Vijay? Vijay: Oh, just another day at the office. How are you Rani? How’s rehearsals? Rani: It’s going very well. Vijay: Hmm. Everybody at work can’t stop talking about the show. Should be another spectacular Bollywood musical from Mr. Anand Maharaj. And all the young girls and boys will think you’re the local Aishwariya Rai. And their parents won’t complain about paying R300 to see people shake their arses and sing other people’s songs. Rani: (Irritated). Dance is an art form Vijay. Vijay: Not with Mr. Bollywood it’s not. Rani: You know nothing about him. If you knew anything about theatre you’d be aware of the dance innovations he’s introduced. And the fact that he trains poor young girls for free every week. He’s not who you think he is. The Catalina Collection 2013
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Vijay: He’s not the rich kid who grew up into a cheap entertainer? Rani: No. He stayed in Reservoir Hills whilst the rest of his family moved to Umhlanga. He drives a Ford Fiesta. Without personalized number plates. And if he wasn’t choreographing this musical then it would be frivolous shit! (Awkward pause.) I should go Rita. It’s closing time. Vijay: I’m sorry Rani. I know you wouldn’t choose to do this unless it meant something. I’m sure you’ll be terrific. Especially if you dance the way you did at Grazers. Rani: You saw me dance there? Vijay: Every Tuesday night. Rani: Hardly anyone knows that I did those gigs. We seldom got more than a handful of people. Vijay: I always sat in the corner. And I clapped the loudest. (Rani is moved.) Rani: Thanks Vijay. (Pause). This time you and your mum will sit upfront. I’ll see you soon Rita. Rita: Okay Rani. Be careful now. There’s lots of pickpockets at this time. Rani: I’ll be fine. Bye. (She exits.) Rita: Thank God you eventually showed some respect. Why were you talking to her like that? She’s our dear friend. Vijay: I don’t know. I’m just tired. Rita: What’s wrong? Vijay: Nothing some of your lovely tea can’t fix. (He grabs Rita and starts tickling her. She giggles.) And how about some puri patha? Rita: (Giggling). Stop tickling me. Vijay: Let’s pretend we’re in a Bollywood musical. (Vijay puts on some music and tries to do a quick little jig with Rita. Rita pulls away and Vijay continues in an eccentric manner for 30 seconds. Rita turns off the music.) Rita: Stop being silly Vijay. You are just like your father. He used to do the same tricks just before he gave me bad news. So what’s wrong? Vijay: The boss came back a little early from Joburg. He settled his matter. So he wanted to see me today about the associate position. (Rita looks very concerned.)
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The new associate attorney at Harrilall Incorporated will be the young hotshot Shaun Muthu. Rita: Oh no. But he gave you so many signs that it would be you. Vijay: Nothing contractually binding. Look, if the only thing that mattered to me was my car and swimming pool, then I would choose Shaun Muthu too. He comes with his own clientele. He has an exuberant personality which everyone is attracted to. And most importantly, his father is a director of a JSE listed company. (Rita pours some tea and sips slowly.) Rita: What are we gonna do? Vijay: (Sarcastic). Oh, it’s not like I’m going to be unemployed Ma. Mr. Harrilall has asked me to stay on until I find another job. At my princely trainee lawyer’s salary. (Long pause. Vijay walks to the door and looks out sadly.) You didn’t hear from Mr Sewlal about his offer to bulk buy? Rita: No. I’m wondering if he was serious. He often talks big. Vijay: Anyway, it doesn’t matter. It wasn’t necessarily going to be long-term. Rita: We’ll find a way son. Maybe next month things will get better. Vijay: Maybe I can try to do some lecturing part-time. In the evenings. Rita: Then you won’t have a life son. Vijay: You don’t have a life now Ma. Rita: I think I should talk to Uncle Rajoo. Vijay: For a loan? Rita: Yes. It’s the only thing to do. Vijay: No. You can’t do that. He’ll gloat about it to everyone for the rest of his days. “I got a Standard 4 education and I’m keeping the lawyer’s family afloat. That fella is an academic but you see my sons joined the family business and look at them now. One drives an M3, the other one a Z4 and the other one an X5. In a couple of years they’ll go through the whole alphabet of cars”. Rita: Vijay, you don’t have to do everything for yourself and your mum. You’re just starting out. I know how the world works. Sometimes you have to ask for help. (Vijay looks outside again philosophically.) Vijay: Help. Just like most of these people, hey? Help me, they say. To their customers. To their relatives. To the government. But is anybody listening? I wish those White and Black businessmen who think all Indians live in big white houses and drive BMWs would come to Grey Street. And see poor Indians. Alongside poor Black people. Rita: But Indians are survivors son.
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Vijay: How are you going to survive in two months Ma? (Pause). Rita: Let’s just go home Vijay. Vijay: I thought I might stay. Catch me a spice thief. Rita: (Concerned). No Vijay. You can’t be here at night. Come now. We must go. (Starts packing.) Stop at Victoria Street please. You must run up with some food for Aunty Charmaine before it gets dark. Vijay: Why must you keep sending food to her? I know she’s dying of cancer now, but you haven’t even spoken to her for the last few years. I mean, she left our house six years ago. Dad fired her from the store. I know she’s family, but do you really think you’re helping? Rita: She’s got no husband. Her daughter is stuck in Joburg. There’s only Ajith to take care of her. And he works horrible hours. Vijay: I met Ajith today. He’s become very bitter. Rita: What do you mean? Vijay: I don’t think he even gives her your food. Rita: Why would he do that? Vijay: Look Ma, your food is not going to cure her cancer. She’s going to die soon anyway. Rita: Let her die with some dignity. (Suddenly there is a sound of loud gunshots.) Oh my God. Vijay, come away from the door. (A few seconds later, Shahid enters right stage screaming.) Shahid: Rita! They shot my Fareida! They shot my Fareida! Please help me. (He starts crying. Vijay and Rita look at him in shock.) Rita: Phone the ambulance Vijay. (Vijay telephones and Rita goes to Shahid.) Shahid: We just closed the shop, Rita. We came to the car. And they came for it. I gave up my keys but they still shot her. Rita: It will be alright Shahid. The ambulance will be here now. Lights fade to blackout.
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ACT III (Sagren and Thulani are on stage. Lights come up first on Sagren on right stage.) Sagren: Come on ladies. It’s Friday, the last day of May. And today is your lucky day. Take a look at this. My new “miracle cutter”. Slices, dices, peels, shreds. All in one. No longer will you have to slave in the kitchen and miss the answers to those all important questions on the Bold and Beautiful – will Thorn prick Ridge? Why is Ridge so rigid? Is Stephanie really frigid? And what’s up with Brigit? When hubby comes home, he’ll be thrilled! Because now you’re a miracle worker – with the “miracle cutter”. (Pause). What’s that boss? Hey! At least I’m not walking the streets trying to pretend like I’m the local Al Capone. I’m trying to earn a living. (Pause). Check that ou, aunty. I’m trying to feed my little daughter. You know I got retrenched. My wife left me for a bus conductor. Not even a bus driver aunty. I can’t get another job because of affirmative action. That ou will go to a White store and pay three times the price for something of far less quality. But he won’t buy from his Indian brother. Because I must be scamming him. (Pause). Hey aunty, why you leaving? Come on ladies, where you going? Oh right. You see, when I try to sell a good product, nobody is interested. Fine. Bugger you. Vie by all the Wit ous in West Street and get swindled. (Sagren exits right stage.) (Lights come up on Thulani on left stage.) Thulani: (Jovial; does a little jig.) Hey people, I’m selling my toys at next to nothing today. R20 for any 3 toys. Ja. It’s true. I’m happy today. (Pause). Yes sir, I’m happy. I’m sorry if you are not, but I’m still going to smile. (Pause). Hey ladies, I’ve got these beautiful beads. I’m going to give it to you as a gift. (Rita enters en-route to her store.) Rita: Hi Thulani. You’re in a good mood. Thulani: I am Rita. I finally met up with my overseas friend. He wants to see my big five. Rita: That’s great. Thulani: And you know what else? He wants to see my other things. He might buy more. Rita: Fantastic. Thulani: I was just waiting for you to come so I can pick up my things. Rita: Yes, of course. Sorry I’m a bit late. We had some car trouble today and I had to give Vijay a lift to court. He’s got a big case on. (Rita begins opening her store.) Thulani: Aw, he couldn’t have a quiet last day as a trainee, hey? Rita: It’s always hectic at that firm. Come. (She motions to Thulani to enter. He holds her arm.) Thulani: Rita, I hope the spice thief didn’t come last night. (They enter. Rita looks around quickly and examines the spice bowls.)
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Rita: All the spices are here. The thief didn’t come last night. Thulani: Oh, thank God Rita. I think our luck is going to change. Rita: Let me get your things. (She goes to the back and returns with a box.) Here you go. Thulani: Thank you Rita. Thank you for everything. Rita: What have I done Thulani? Thulani: You and Vijay have helped me so much. Encouraged me. And you never complain to keep my things. I could never keep it at the hostel. My new roommate is a bigger thief than the old one. And a bigger size. Rita: And does Phineas still prowl around? Thulani: Oh yes. Looking for anything to take. People are still so scared of him. Rita: Well I hope this Norwegian buys many things from you. Thulani: Thank you my friend. Rita: So then you can study, hey? Thulani: Ja. I need to do that. Matric is nothing. That’s why it was easy for them to retrench me last time. (He turns to go but then stops.) Hey Rita. If I sell well I’m going to buy you a gift. Rita: No Thulani. Don’t be silly. Thulani: I’m going to do it. It will be beautiful. Rita: Don’t buy me something. Make me something beautiful. (Thulani smiles.) Thulani: Okay. I will. Rita: See you later Thulani. Thulani: Sharp Rita. (Thulani exits. Rita lights some incense, says a silent prayer and raises her hands to a frame. She begins tidying the store and then suddenly finds a necklace below a sheet of paper. She is immediately startled. She recognizes the necklace and slowly reacts to the revelation. A look of profound sadness crosses her face. She picks up her cell phone slowly. It rings, startling her.) Rita: Hello Vijay. What’s that son? (Pause). The boss is going to give you a party tonight? Ja, PAGE 92
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it’s nice of him. It’s your last day as a trainee. So you’ll be there this evening. (Pause). No, take your time son. Enjoy it. (Pause. Awkward.). No, my spice thief didn’t come last night. So tell your friend, Inspector Moolla, not to worry to come for fingerprints and things. (Pause). No Vijay. Just leave it for now. (Pause. Awkward.). Yes, it’s strange. Okay then. I’ll see you at home tonight. Bye son. (She hangs up and looks at the necklace again. She picks up her phone again, hesitates, then begins to dial a number.) Hello Ajith. It’s Rita. (Uneasy pause.) So did your mum ask you to send the necklace or are you acting alone? (Pause). It’s just you. I thought so. So what’s your game? (Pause). Why should I meet you? Why don’t I just report this? (Pause). Yes, it’s back, but it’s still … (Pause). No, you don’t know the whole story! (Pause). How could you know the whole story? I’m not going to… listen…. Alright, alright, look, I’ll meet you. (Pause. Shahid enters.) No, I’m not coming there. Meet me at the store at 7pm. (She hangs up and tries to be friendly with Shahid, but she is still thinking about the phone call.) Rita: Hello Shahid. Shahid: Hello Rita. Rita: (Concerned). How is Farieda feeling today? Shahid: She’s stable. They say she’ll be okay. Rita: Thank God. Shahid: Praise Allah. And thank you Rita. And Vijay too. Rita: We just did what anybody else would have done. Shahid: I don’t think so. Because when the shots were fired, Ranjith was just closing his store. I called to him when Farieda got shot but he ran away. Rita: He must have been scared of the robbers. Shahid: No but when I called to him, the robbers were in my car, driving away. Rita: I don’t know what to say Shahid. Shahid: No you don’t have to say nothing. I know many people don’t like me here because I’m Pakistani. Not just Hindus and Blacks. But Muslims too. They think I mustn’t come to their country. But you know when my uncle came here seven years ago he said to me – Shahid, you work so hard in Pakistan but you are still poor. If you come here and work hard you will make money. And you will make friends. He was right about the money. But not about the friends. Rita: It’s not you Shahid. There’s a lot going on here now. People are distracted by all the challenges. The Catalina Collection 2013
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Shahid: No, but I know that you are my friend. You didn’t just phone the ambulance. You waited with me the whole evening in the hospital. And you told Vijay to ask his doctor friend to check in on Farieda. (Pause). You know when I said my brother can take your space and you can work in his tikka place, I said that because I know you’ll be a good worker. And I will make sure he pays you well. But now I know he must make his tikka somewhere else. I must help you to keep this store. Rita: No Shahid, you don’t have – Shahid: No Rita. What Allah gives me is not just for me and my family. It’s for my friends too. Rita: That’s not necessary Shahid. You must take care of Farieda and your children. Shahid: But Rita, I want – Rita: (Decisive). No Shahid. It’s fine. I’ll be alright. (Pause). Shahid: Okay Rita. But whatever you need – Rita: Thank you. (Pause). Are you going back to your store now? Shahid: I didn’t want to come today. I don’t want to go into the shop. But there’s a big client coming, and Farieda said you must go in Shahid. (Rita nods.) But first, I want to buy some of your masala tea. Everyone says it’s so nice but I never taste yet. Rita: Of course. Come I’ll show you. (She motions to the back.) Shahid: Oh, I forgot. Was there any spice stolen last night? Rita: No. Shahid: (Just as they go to the back.) Oh, Allah has blessed you. (Suddenly Thulani comes barging into the store). Thulani: (Concerned) Rita. Is Shahid here? Rita: Yes, he’s here Thulani. (Rita and Shahid come to the front of the store.) What’s wrong? Thulani: Shahid, quickly. You have to get rid of your pirated DVDs. The police are coming to raid your store. They have a warrant. Shahid: Calm down, Thulani. What are you saying? Rita: He says the police are coming to check your store for illegal DVDs. Shahid: How do you know the police are coming, Thulani? PAGE 94
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Thulani: My informer friend overheard one of the inspectors talking about it when he was at the police station. He just found out that they are coming now. Shahid: Can we trust him? Is he sure they are coming now? Thulani: Yes Shahid. He is very reliable. Shahid: Okay, thank you, Thulani. Thulani: You should go now and start packing the DVDs, and you can think of some place to keep them for now. Shahid: Why are you telling me Thulani? I thought you didn’t like me. Thulani: I don’t know. Maybe it’s because … I mean … your wife is in hospital. She was shot, but our police are coming here to find pirated DVDs. Rita: Go and remove your stuff quickly Shahid. Shahid: But Rita, why must the police worry about this? So many people are selling these DVDs. What is so bad about this? Rita: It’s illegal Shahid. Shahid: Then why they make the real DVDs so expensive? Those cops got time for these things. Who’ll find who shot my wife? Rita: Don’t worry about that now Shahid. Sort yourself out or you’ll be in serious trouble. Go through the back of your store. Okay? Shahid: Okay. (He exits.) Rita: Thank you for that Thulani. Thulani: Do you think he’ll be able to quickly get rid of those DVDs? Sagren told me he has quite a lot. Rita: I don’t know. It’s all happening at once for him. (Pause). Thulani, didn’t you tell me that you know someone from Overport or somewhere who buys pirated DVDs? Thulani: Yes, my friend Jabu knows him. Rita: Help Shahid out Thulani. Just this one time. Thulani: Er, Rita, I don’t think … I mean …. Rita: It’s just the timing of this Thulani. Thulani: Okay Rita. If you think I should. Lights fade to blackout. (Lights come up on Sagren on right stage who is still trying to hustle his way into selling jewellery.) The Catalina Collection 2013
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Sagren: Hey, how’s it boss. I got a lucker pocket chain for you. Put it on and your luck will change with the ladies bra. You can write her name here and you’ll have her in your back pocket. (Pause). Hey, hold on boss. Sagren: What about this diamond ring I got on special? Put it on her and you got her wrapped around your finger. (Pause). Hell I scheme you not a romantic like me. (Pause). Hello aunty. How about a gold chain to match your gold watch, your gold slit and the gold tissue box in your new Yaris T3 spirit? (Pause). No. I don’t drink aunty. I got a family to feed. (Pause). No genuine. Vie by all the lahnee jewellers. They’ll take you for a ride which will make you dizzier than your new car. (Tiny’s mother enters right stage.) Tiny’s mother: Hello Sagren. Sagren: (Awkward). Hello Aunty. Tiny’s mother: What happened? I heard you had a job in a factory? Sagren: No, that didn’t work out. Tiny’s mother: So you hustling people in Grey Street again? Sagren: Don’t worry, I’m not outside your store, so I won’t frighten your customers away. What you doing this side anyway? I heard you can hardly move now cos you got stiff neck, sore back and dead leg. Tiny’s mother: (Shocked – takes some tablets.) All lies! Sheila must have told you that. She’s very jealous of my health because she had to have hip replacement surgery so she can’t shake her hips and walk anymore. Sagren: I must be on my way Aunty. (Sarcastically). Say hello to Tiny and the family for me. Tiny’s mother: You carrying any pirated DVDs for Shahid? Sagren: How do you know what I do for Shahid? Tiny’s mother: I know everything that’s happening in Grey Street. Sagren: There are things you don’t know Aunty. Things you’ll never understand. Tiny’s mother: Are you insulting me now? Sagren: Aunty, I’m not going to have this conversation with you. Tiny’s mother: You still bare a grudge, hey Sagren? That was a long time ago. I was right to fire you. Sagren: Don’t you talk to me about what is right. Tiny’s mother: Fine. I was asking about the DVDs to warn you. You better not go near Shahid’s store. The police are here to raid his store for pirated copies. Sagren: The police? Here now? Tiny’s mother: Yes. PAGE 96
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Sagren: Shew! I didn’t think they’d come right now. I better check on Shahid. Tiny’s mother: You can’t help him. They’re going to arrest him. Sagren: Ja, and then after that, maybe they’ll arrest Baboo for buying some pirated copies from Shahid. And then they can arrest Rita because she knew Shahid had pirated copies. And so on, until they arrest everyone. And then you’ll have Grey Street all to yourself. Tiny’s mother: Why you talking like that Sagren? Like I got something against the people here. You know my family started small here too. We came up through hard work. Sagren: Aunty, when your late husband was working hard here so he could build your house in Reservoir Hills, my father was selling newspapers opposite your shoe store. Sometimes I stood with him and I always saw your husband look at him like he was a rabid dog. Yet my father still asked you to give me a job. You don’t know what small is aunty. (Sagren exits left stage.) Tiny’s mother: Hmmph. Such ill-breeding. There are no gentlemen left in Grey Street. (Tiny’s mother exits right stage.) Lights fade to blackout. (Lights come up on Shahid, who moves forward slowly, carefully looking around.) Shahid: Thulani. Thulani. Where are you? (Thulani enters left stage and walks to Shahid.) Thulani: Hello Shahid. Shahid: Rita phoned me and said I must meet you here. What’s going on? Thulani: My friend Jabu knows this guy, Mr. Naicker from Overport, who will be willing to buy all your DVDs. Shahid: Really? Can I trust him? Thulani: You can trust him. His brother is a police captain. Shahid: (Surprised) I don’t know what to say. Thank you, Thulani. Thulani: Rita asked me to see if I can help. Where is your stuff now? Shahid: It’s at my brother’s place. Because I knew after the police search my store they’ll come to my house. But shame, they couldn’t find anything. (Shahid giggles. Thulani hands him a slip of paper.) Thulani: Phone this guy on that number and he’ll come pick it up from your brother’s place. Shahid: Thanks. (He takes out some cash.) Here Thulani. The Catalina Collection 2013
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Thulani: I don’t want your money. Shahid: No, please take it. Thulani: I made good money today. I sold most of my things. (Shahid puts the cash away.) Shahid: Maybe I can repay you some other way in the future. Thulani: You can repay me tomorrow. When Hlengiwe comes to clean for you, don’t call her “hey”. Call her gogo. She is a grandmother. And let her go early on Fridays. She goes by train to see her grandchildren. Their father was shot by robbers, like your wife. But he died. Shahid: I will do that. Thulani: Thank you. (Shahid and Thulani exit left stage. Rita and Rani enter right stage and go into the store). Rita: Are you okay Rani? Is it bleeding? Rani: (Pushing Rita’s hand away.) I’m okay. It’s just a scratch. You know, it used to be that coming to Grey Street and getting stoned meant something very different from this. (She points to her face. Rita giggles.) Rita: You just got caught in the middle. Rani: What are those woman fighting about? Rita: Er, they say that Thembi is cutting their business because she’s selling mangoes too cheaply. It’s R2 for four mangoes in Grey Street. She’s selling even bigger mangoes at R1,50 for four. Rani: So they have to assault her now. This is what happens when you let riff raff come here. Rita: They’re not riff raff Rani. They’re single mothers with little babies to feed. (Rani looks out into the street.) Rani: Mothers! Mothers don’t poke each other with sticks. And pelt each other with stones. I can’t stand this! (She moves towards the door.) Rita: Don’t go out there Rani. Just leave it be. Okay, hold on. There comes Thulani. They’ll listen to him. (Rani walks away. Rita watches for a few seconds.) There. They’ve stopped. Rani: For today. Rita: I don’t know why they were drawing attention to themselves. Some of them don’t have PAGE 98
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licences and the police have been on the beat this week. Rani: Rita, I don’t want you to see these things anymore. Let me tell you why I came here today. (Pause). Yesterday evening, after you phoned me, I went for dinner with Anand. I told him what happened to Fareida and about your situation. Rita: Why did you do that? Rani: Because you are my friend! Anand has a wonderful offer for you. He wanted to come with me today, but he’s caught up in meetings. So he suggested we all go for dinner tonight. To discuss it. But I said I will tell you about it first. Rita: Tell me what. Rani: As I told you, Anand and his brother have some big contacts here and in India for Eastern fashion wear. In a month’s time his brother is opening a store at the Pavilion for his mother to run. She always wanted a store like this. But lately she’s been sick. She needs help to manage the place. Anand says you’ll be the perfect person. (Rita turns away and shakes her head.) Rita: What a Bollywood solution. Rani: Some stories can have happy endings Rita. Look, you’ll also have a bigger market for your blouses. Anand says his mother will be happy for you to stock them in the store. Rita: I don’t even know his mother. Rani: She’s a lovely lady. Rita: I don’t feel – Rani: Rita, you are not dishonouring your late husband by closing up. You are doing what’s best for you and your son. Whatever this store once was, it isn’t anymore. Rita: This is all too much right now, Rani. I need some time. Rani: I spoke to Vijay about it. I phoned him before I came here. I wanted to make sure that he approved of my telling you. Rita: What did he say? Rani: He thanked me. He said it was your decision. (Pause.) Rita: I can’t decide now. (Contemplating). There’s … there’s something I have to do tonight. I can’t think about... Rani: What is it Rita? Rita: I can’t talk about it now. Rani: Okay. (Pause). I also have a big decision to make. Anand asked me to marry him last night. He said he couldn’t wait any longer to ask. Rita: And? The Catalina Collection 2013
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Rani: I said I needed time to think about it. Rita: Just like your cousin. Rani: My cousin is just stalling, hoping that if she waits she might meet someone better. Rita: What are you waiting for? Rani: To see if my dream comes true. On stage. Then I’ll have the space to consider the challenges of marriage. Rita: (Poignantly). It’s good that you have dreams Rani. Rani: I know you have dreams too Rita. Just think about the offer. (Silence for a few seconds.) I have to go. Rita: Do you have time for a quick cup of tea? Rani: I can never say no to your tea Rita. (Rita makes some tea.) Rita: You know if all goes well for you in the show, and I’m sure it will, then you won’t need to come here to buy stuff from me anymore. This might be our last cup of tea here. Rani: I will still see you Rita. I’ll visit you at home. Rita: You will be very busy. Rani: There’s always time, my friend. We’ll always have tea together. Blackout.
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ACT IV (Lights come up on Ajith as he opens the door to Rita’s store. He goes inside and sits down. Rita enters a few seconds later.) Ajith: (Coldly). Hello, aunty Rita. (Rita ignores him and goes to the back. She comes back with a packet of tea and puts the kettle on.) Rita: Tea? Ajith: No. (Rita places the necklace on the counter.) Rita: My mother-in-law gave me this necklace you know. I despised that woman. I cleaned after her, cooked whatever she wanted. I was like a full-time nurse for her when she was recovering from a heart attack. But she always bad-mouthed me to our relatives. Told Sanjeev that I neglected her. He didn’t believe her. But he did nothing. She was his mother. So when I saved her life by knocking out that burglar with a cricket bat, I couldn’t accept the necklace as a gift from her. But she left it in my drawer and never said a word. It was the only way she could say thank you. And then one day it was gone. Sanjeev told me he gave it back to her. But later he told me about the – Ajith: My mother apologized to you about the affair, but you had to – Rita: She loved your mother. Sometimes it just happens like that. Two people just click. Even if they’re very different to each other. She was very confused when Sanjeev told her Charmaine was leaving the house. Ajith: Leaving the house … you removed – Rita: Sanjeev told me about the affair, you know. I didn’t walk in on them in our bed. I didn’t overhear them chatting one evening when they thought I had gone out. He told me what happened. He said he was sorry. That they had made a mistake. That it was a silly fling and it was over. I made some tea. (Rita makes a cup of tea.) Rita: I sat down and recalled that I was brought up in Tongaat, where they teach you that you must try to make your marriage work even if your husband makes a big mistake. And then I remember thinking I’m not surprised at this. He hasn’t touched you in months. You’ve seen them flirt sometimes. She has an infectious laugh. They always talk about football, which you know nothing about. He always felt responsible for her after his brother walked out. And I said to myself – it went through your mind, didn’t it, that something might be going on between them. Ajith: My mother said she was sorry. She begged you for forgiveness. Rita: (Angrily). Yes. She had to beg! Just like Sanjeev did. And I forgave him. Because he was the father of my precious son. My son who took the bus every day after school to help his mummy in the shop… (Pause). Did your mother tell you about the pact we made after your father left? How we said we’d be sisters. How it didn’t matter that you didn’t have a father anymore. Because now you had two mothers. But mothers don’t sleep with each other’s husbands. (Pause). Did your mother tell you that when she told you her version of this story? The Catalina Collection 2013
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Ajith: My mother didn’t tell me anything by choice. I forced her. (Pause). I was looking for jewellery to pawn because we desperately needed money. And I found the necklace and the letter. Rita: Of course. The necklace and the letter. It sounds like a movie, hey? I know why he gave her the necklace. It was his way of saying thank you. Telling her that his mother would happily have passed it on to her if circumstances were a little different. If she had married the big son. As she should have done. (Pause). But the letter. I didn’t want her to have the letter. Even though he told me about it. He should have just said it to her – I’m sorry. It wasn’t just a fling. I wish it could have worked out differently for all of us. Ajith: Look, my mother – Rita: I know she had a more interesting personality. I know she was more sensual. But the magazine writers who write about ways to keep your man interested, don’t know about the roles most Indian wives have to play. They don’t know about sacrifice. About family rituals, and how it drains you. About your in-law’s demands. About how you sometimes lose parts of your womanhood. Ajith: My mother wronged you. But so did your husband. Yet you hurt her so much more. You are a thief! Rita: You accuse me of theft! You stole my spices. Ajith: It’s my mother’s property. Rita: Yes, your mother developed these spices. But I made contributions too. And Sanjeev and I kept this shop going. Ajith: You would have been nothing without her skills. Rita: Hey, I have my own skills. When your mother was gone, I experimented. Tried new fusions. Ajith: No wonder nobody buys from this store anymore. Rita: That’s not the reason why nobody buys. And what about the other products here, which always sold well. I made the samoosas. I made the purI - pathas. Your mother’s puris were as hard as ginger biscuits. Ajith: You took the products my mother created and acted as if they were yours. People talked about Rita’s great spices. But this store really started picking up eight years ago when my mother joined you. In the two years she was here she did something unique. But who would remember that? When you got rid of her you took all the credit. I was just a boy. I thought you and Sanjeev didn’t need her. She was just an assistant I thought. I said I wish my mother had Aunty Rita’s talent. (He walks towards Rita.) But Aunty Rita’s talent is stealing! (Vijay enters angrily from the back of the store.) Vijay: Enough! You take one step closer to her and you won’t walk again, cousin Ajith. Rita: (Shocked). Vijay! What are you doing here? PAGE 102
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Vijay: Thulani fetched me from the party to open the store for him. He needed his stuff because he had another buyer. When I came here I saw that all the spices were back. I phoned home. No answer. Your cell phone was off. You were not at Aunty Usha’s place. So I went back to the car and was about to get in. But then I noticed Ajith go into the store. So I slipped in through the back. I thought – is he the spice thief? And then you came in. So I hid. And listened. (Rita closes her eyes.) Ajith: So you know everything. Vijay: I know my father betrayed my mother. But my mother is not a thief! You are the thief! And you’re going to be punished. Ajith: Go to the police Vijay. I opened the door with my mother’s key. Which your father never took away from her. I used gloves. Nobody saw me come here. I haven’t committed theft. I returned the spices. At worst, it’s unauthorized borrowing. You see. I’ve been reading up on the law. I’m not dumb just because I’m a sales assistant. If I had money, I would study too, lawyer. Vijay: Hey, I paid my varsity fees with student loans. Ajith: But you were always supposed to be the smart cousin. Never mind you didn’t get the chicks. It didn’t matter that you weren’t the heart of the party. The whole family thought you’d go far. And that I would work in department stores. Vijay: Listen, I never put you down. When we lived together, we fought like boys fight. But I never hurt you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Accept that your mother was not the only star of this store. And that she betrayed her sister-in-law’s trust. Ajith: Her sister-in-law had her cast out for an act of love. And robbed her of her legacy. Vijay: Don’t you dare! (He rushes at Ajith and grabs his neck. Rita gets between them and pulls them apart.) Rita: Stop it! Stop it! I cheated her. (Pause). After I made Sanjeev send her away, she came to see me one day. She asked that if I used her spices, could I just acknowledge her contribution. She didn’t want money. She carried on working in Rajen’s café like a dog. She just wanted some credit. But I told her they were my spices now. And I warned her that if she ever came near the store again I would tell the whole family about the affair. (Long pause.) Vijay: Why Ma? You didn’t need her stuff. You did your own thing at home. You shouldn’t have done this. You’re the spice thief. You are weak! (Vijay begins to exit.) Rita: Vijay. Please. Don’t go. Vijay: I need to walk. (Turns around.) Ajith, you be careful what you say. And what you do. Or...
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(He breaks off and turns away and exits. Rita goes after him and Ajith holds her arm.) Ajith: Let him go. He’ll be alright. He’s strong. (Rita yanks her arm free and walks away from Ajith. Long pause.) Rita: What do you want Ajith? You want money? I have no money. I can’t even pay rent. The little bit of insurance my husband had, I used to pay for the house. Ajith: I don’t want money. Rita: Why did you do it like this? Why the game? Why didn’t you just confront me when you found out? Ajith: When my mother told me, I came here to clean you out. I wanted to sell everything. Somehow. And give the money to my Ma. But she suspected. So she sent our neighbour Farouk to stop me. He dragged me away from here. That was last Friday. (Pause). My Ma told me she didn’t want money. She just wanted to come into the store one more time. (Pause. Rita looks down, with tears in her eyes.) But she can’t move now. And I still wanted to hurt you. So I played this game. I wanted you to worry every day this week. To feel the pain of not knowing what would happen the next day. I wanted it to eat into you as Friday came closer and the rent was due. (Pause). Rita: Do you want me to say sorry to her. Ajith: She said sorry to you. (Pause). I come home, to that shithole two-room flat every day, so tired after slaving all day. I try to attend to all my mother’s needs. But I can’t. She’s going to die. That’s nobody’s fault. Ajith: People try to help in little ways. Friends. Relatives. But soon she’ll be gone. (Pause). I wanted her to spend her last days in the place she once knew as home. Not in a rundown Victoria Street apartment. And to be free of the past. To feel closure. (There is silence for a while. Rita pours some tea. She offers Ajith some. He accepts. They sip slowly.) Rita: If your mummy was still with me in the shop, she would have been sad now. For over four years now she would have seen so much change. So many friends gone. So few of her spices sold. Ajith: Maybe if she had been with you it could have been … no, that’s not true. These things happening here are out of your control. (Pause). Rita: But we must still bring her here. One more time. Somehow. Maybe tomorrow. I’ll ask her tonight. (Long pause – there are tears on Ajith’s cheeks. He brushes them away.) Ajith: You are not weak, Aunty Rita. Thank you. PAGE 104
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Blackout. (Lights come up on Vijay and Thulani on left stage. Vijay is sitting tentatively, contemplating. Thulani looks at him sympathetically and then tries to cheer him up.) Thulani: Hey Vijay. Take a look at my rickshaw. Vijay: It’s beautiful Thulani. It’s a perfect Durban memento. Thulani: That’s what my buyer said. Vijay: Who? The Norwegian? Thulani: No, the other guy from UK. Vijay: It’s strange, isn’t it? Your biggest buyers are from overseas. Our locals would rather go to the Chinese stores. Thulani: It doesn’t matter Vijay. I have my registration fees. Vijay: Yes. Thulani the scholar. Grey Street will be much quieter now that you won’t be around so much. Thulani: Ai, there’ll always be noise makers on Grey Street. (Vijay contemplates). Vijay: Ja, this street is never boring. But maybe it’s time to move on now. (There is silence for a few seconds as both men contemplate.) Thulani: Are you sure your ma will be alright? You don’t want to check? Vijay: She’ll be alright. Thulani: You know your ma is just like how my ma was. She was my mother and my father. We were eight children, not like you, just one. But each one was special to her. She would work till 6 o’clock, then take two buses to come home. But before that, she would stop to buy each one the sweet he liked. Your ma is special like that. Vijay: I know. (Pause. Then suddenly Thulani jumps up as he hears something.) What’s that? Thulani: Hey Sibeko! You trying to break into Mr. Chang’s store again. Vijay: Thulani. Be careful. Thulani: Ai, I’m sick of these thieves. (Suddenly we hear police sirens.) Vijay: Wohh! The police is here tonight. Thulani: Ja, run Sibeko! Come on, chase after him officer! The Catalina Collection 2013
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(Pause as they observe). Eish. I don’t think that fat one will catch him. He had too many samoosas. Vijay: Hey, but check that other one move. He got it all this morning. Thulani: You’re right. He’s going to catch him. Aw, the fat one fell down. Vijay: It’s funny. Suddenly the police appear tonight. When there are dangerous criminals like the A Team here during the day, there’s no police. Thulani: Hey! Good! He caught him. Sharp officer! You’re going to jail Sibeko. Vijay: Let’s hope he doesn’t escape before his trial. And that the prosecution actually gives a shit. Thulani: Ai Vijay. At least tomorrow morning Mr. Chang will be smiling. Vijay: Ja. That’s a good enough reason for a drink, don’t you think? Thulani: Sure. Vijay: Let’s see if Selvin’s bar is still open. (They exit.) Blackout. (Lights come up on Sagren selling newspapers). Sagren: It’s Saturday morning. The weekend is here. Come get your morning newspaper. For just R3. That’s only R3. (Vijay enters and passes Sagren). Hey Vijay, howzit bru. Come on man, buy one newspaper from me. Special price for you bru, only R3. Vijay: Okay Sagren, I’ll take one. (Vijay takes a paper and goes into the store. Sagren exits right stage, continuing to hail customers.) (Meanwhile, Rita has entered her store. She lights some incense, says a silent prayer, is about to raise her clasped hands to a frame, but then hesitates. Finally, she raises her hands.) Rita: Is that Sagren selling newspapers? Vijay: Yes. Rita: (Reflective). That’s what his father used to do. (Pause). Vijay: You didn’t wake me up this morning. Rita: What time did you come home? Vijay: Late. (Pause). Thulani and I were talking. He sold his stuff. He has the money for his registration fees now. PAGE 106
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Rita: I know. I’m so happy for him. (Pause). Vijay: You went to see Aunty Charmaine last night, didn’t you? Rita: Yes. She’s very sick. She can hardly speak. I asked her to come and live with us again. She thanked me, but she said she wanted to stay in the flat. So I will go there sometimes and help Ajith. (Pause). Vijay: You are not a cheat Ma. Dad was a cheat. (Pause). But I remember after Dad’s first heart attack, while he was lying on that hospital bed, he squeezed your hand and looked deeply into your eyes. I don’t know much about these things, but I felt that was real. (Rita closes her eyes. Then she pours some tea.) Rita: Tea? Vijay: Yes. (Rita hands him a cup.) Thank you. (They sip slowly.) Rita: Mr. Maharaj’s secretary phoned this morning, to say we have not paid rent again. They’re instructing your firm to send summons next week. Vijay: It’ll still take two months to evict you. That’s due legal process. Rita: Two months or two weeks. The sheriff will still throw me out in the same way. Vijay: Don’t give them the chance. End it now Ma. Look, it doesn’t matter whose spices you were selling. The customers were buying Rita Singh. If you didn’t put those hours each day and deal with them the way you did, the store would have failed long ago. Dad knew that. (Pause). You helped him to realize his dream of owning his own store. He died young, but for a while he had his own little place. Now it’s time for your dreams. Rita: I can’t remember what my dreams were. Vijay: Nobody sews blouses better than you, Ma. But you can’t sell them from here. You should take up Anand’s offer. Rita: I just feel he’s doing this because he’s feeling sorry for me. Because Rani is my friend. Vijay: He is feeling sorry for you. But he’s also an astute businessman. He knows his mother needs help. That you would manage the store well. And that your blouses will sell. Maybe it will only be for a short while Ma. If you get a reasonable clientele, then maybe you can operate from home. Rita: It is very tempting.
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Vijay: It doesn’t matter that you won’t be in Grey Street Ma. That you’ll be in a mall in the suburbs. People will still know Rita. (Pause). Rita: What about you son? When will the world know Vijay? (Pause). Vijay: You know when Mr. Harilal first hired me, he said he wanted a good draftsman. I was happy to hear that. I thought I could lose myself in pleadings and contracts. Hide away for a while. But I’m glad he made me the run-around boy. It made me appreciate the contradictions of my world. (Pause). It doesn’t matter that the world doesn’t really know me Ma. We both have important things to do in it. Rita: (Contemplating carefully.) Yes … and I suppose it doesn’t all have to be here, in this place. At this time. (Vijay looks closely at Rita and she smiles tenderly at him. Long pause as both contemplate. Then Rita takes out her cell phone and dials Rani.) Hello Rani. Are you busy right now? (Pause). How about a cup of tea? Slow fade to Blackout. (Theme music plays.) (Lights come up on Rita, Shahid, Sagren, Thulani in their first positions. Rita is closing her store. She addresses the audience as the others remain frozen.) Rita: And so we closed Singh’s Spice ‘n Stuff. And I said goodbye to Grey Street, the place where I had spent so many years of my young life. We brought Charmaine down to the store one last time. And Shahid said that he would use some of her spices in his brother’s new takeaway. I looked ahead to long hours at a giant mall and the promise of realising my dream – a decent life for my son and I and happy customers who remembered my name. As I walked down that dangerous, crazy, beautiful street one last time, I heard its familiar sounds shouting out to the world. And I saw the faces of the characters I would never forget. (Sound recording of people shouting, buses hooting and police sirens wailing. Then Shahid, Sagren and Thulani become animated creating a cacophony. This slowly fades. Thulani and Rita exit. Sagren and Shahid remain.) Sagren: Get your morning newspaper. For just R3. Sagren: (He notices someone and takes out a pair of sunglasses from behind a newspaper.) Hey lahnee, you look like you need a pair of sunglasses. (Pause). Oh you got a pair of sunglasses. (Pause). But have you got Police sunglasses? (Pause). Oh, you are the police. Genuine. I didn’t steal it sir. Hey, howzit Shahid? Shahid: Morning Sagren. Sagren: Where you taking flowers? Shahid: To the hospital. It’s for my wife.
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Sagren: Ja, I heard Glenda got roses on special today. I think I’ll go buy some for Rita. It’s her last day today. Shahid: Ja, she’ll appreciate that my friend. Sagren: Shot Shahid! You know, I used to think that you were a bit of a heavy character, but now I’m beginning to think you’re a lukker ou. Shahid: Ja, there’s lukker ous from Pakistan too. Slow fade to blackout.
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Craig Eisenstein Biography
Craig Eisenstein is an English Literature, Creative Writing and Dramatic Writing graduate from the University of the Witwatersrand in Johannesburg, South Africa. Prior to his enrollment as an English scholar, he studied and was exposed to many other fields, including: Fine Arts, Filmmaking, Graphic Design, Animation, Town Planning, Molecular Biology and Psychology - his tasting of such a variety of disciplines stems from his Wildian notion that the colours of life are beautiful. However, his time spent in these other areas of study have all impacted greatly upon him and have granted a greater understanding of the multI - faceted nature of life which he uses to infuse his writing, and so bring something a little bit different to that of the mainstream. Craig has written several unpublished works consisting of a novella, a collection of eight children’s short books, numerous short stories, several plays and a novel. One of Craig’s short stories won the 2010 German Embassy cultural award for his tale depicting the journey of a young man crossing from East to West Berlin in 1961; several other of his stories have placed in various other competitions. Craig has a great penchant for 19th and early 20th century literature, and his children’s stories have been called ‘Edwardian’ in nature - he bears the description quite happily. His work is often highly imaginative and fantastical, but occasionally tackles worldly issues, highlighting the joy that can be found in the everyday that is never too far from a lurking darkness; he takes pleasure in exposing and playing with the dualities of life. Most recently, Craig won both the drama category and the grand finals of the PANSA/NLTDF Festival of Reading of New Writing with his play, ‘Your Hand in my Pocket’. The play has since been taken into a commercial run at the Catalina Theatre in Durban, where it was received with enthusiastic and glowing reviews.
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Your Hand In My Pocket by CMF Eisenstein. The play premiered at the Catalina Theatre from the 8th – 18th November 2012. Director: William le Cordeur Original Cast: Norah: Caitlin Kilburn Tomithy: Clinton Small Teller: Mpumy Ndlovu Cast of characters: Tomithy Maschera: ‘The colours of life are beautiful’ – Oscar Wilde. Norah Vella: ‘A courtroom skirt & a proper blouse keep the world at bay’ Teller: ‘Oddities make life worthwhile’
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ACT I SCENE I There is a bench stage centre. It is daytime in the park. The faint murmuring of people and the chirruping of birds is heard. Enter Norah Vella L. She is a cosmopolitan business woman in dress, and a stoic in bearing. She walks to the bench; a pre-packaged sandwich is in her hands. Norah takes a seat, opens the plastic container, commandingly shoos away some gathering pigeons, crosses her legs primly, and then begins to eat her sandwich. Her eyes wander from time to time; her mind is clearly absorbed. Enter Tomithy from B. R. He is wearing tan corduroys, a blue and white pinstriped shirt and hush puppies. His gaze immediately settles on Norah. He casually walks from B. R. and exits B. L. Tomithy re-enters B. L. with his hands in his pockets. At first he seems about to walk straight to the bench, and takes two steps towards. Suddenly, he hurries to exit B. R. Norah is unaware of any of his meanderings. Again he re-enters from B. R. His hands are out of his pockets. Tomithy walks in a large arc around the back of the bench, pretending to look everywhere except at Norah – his pretence does little to fool the keen observer. He walks B. L. and waits in the corner for a moment, thinking. He takes two casual steps towards the bench then stops. He shakes his head, puts his hands back in his pockets. Looking directly at Norah he takes two further, confident, steps forwards; and then stops. He takes one hand out and practises a mock greeting gesture, shakes his head, takes out his other hand, shakes them out at his side, and stretches his legs like a performer preparing for the stage. Tomithy walks to the bench; he is just behind it when Norah slowly turns her head in his direction. Tomithy stops all of a sudden, turns where he stands, and puts his right hand on the back of the bench to keep himself from losing balance at the unexpected turn. Before Norah can see him, a pigeon approaches her left foot. It draws her attention away. Norah shoos the pigeon away with an emphatic little kick to help it on its way. Tomithy seizes the opportunity; pulls from his pocket a small, red box, and slides onto the bench, holding it near to Norah. Tomithy: (eager) Look at my red box! Norah: (turning; startled; shying away) What?! Tomithy: (putting away the red box; leaning closer) What are you thinking (pointing finger at Norah) right now? Norah: (nervous; but cold) What do you want? Tomithy: (disappointed; sitting back) Oh... (suddenly leaning forward again, keen) What are you thinking now? Norah: This park is full of people... Tomithy: (saddened) Why aren’t you thinking of my red box? Norah: (surprised) Excuse me? Tomithy: You’re excused. But I don’t understand why... it’s so bright and pretty and red; red is a vibrant colour!... Why aren’t you thinking about it? Or what’s in it? Norah: I Tomithy: I mean if I were shown a shiny red box, I’d be thinking about it; I’d be thinking about what’s inside it. (pausing)
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(Norah shifts nervously.) Tomithy: (earnestly) What’s wrong with you? Norah: (affronted; feeling ridiculous) What’s wrong with me?! Tomithy: (nodding) Norah: LookTomithy: Where? Norah: (exasperated) No! I mean listen to me! Tomithy: (listening) Norah: Will you go away please. Tomithy: (starting to look around the bench, on it, under it) Norah: (tired) What are you doing? Tomithy: Looking for your name plaque, or copyright, or stamp, even a little heart with some initials carved into it by a pocketknife. Norah: Why? Tomithy: I’m verifying that the bench is yours – then I’ll go. Norah: (capitulating) It’s not mine... Tomithy: Oh (stopping the search). Then according to my rights as a liberated citizen, I can stay (smiling) Norah: (packing to leave; shooing another pigeon) Tomithy: Why do you do that? Look at that one (pointing), you almost kicked it, you know! Norah: They’re just flying rats, dirty and... annoying. I’m trying to eat my lunch... (to herself) Why am I telling you this? Tomithy: (holding up an index finger) First you’re trying to leave now I think, and second (holding up an index and middle finger), well, if you do want to know, they’re just hungry; except for that one (pointing) he’s a glutton, but even birds can indulge a little bit. But these others (pointing), how would you like it if you just wanted a morsel of food and had your chest thumped in for the effort? You’d be hungry and have a sore chest – a bird’s life is hard enough as it is don’t you think? Norah: Other people can give them food; I don’t have to. Tomithy: If others thought like that, no one would ever give them food and they would all die (gesturing) and there would be nothing left in the sky. And life would be much duller! Norah: (looking at Tomithy) It’s well then that others don’t think like me. Besides, they’re still dirty.
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Tomithy: I’ll have you know that this very morning I saw two of them, right over there (pointing), cleaning each other. Then they took a bath just over there (pointing) – I think they’re cleaner than some people I’ve met. Norah: (about to get up and go) Tomithy: Why don’t you give them the rest of your sandwich? Don’t think like you, or others; think like a new, (looking Norah up and down) better you. Norah: (astounded; standing) It is mine and I want it for later! Tomithy: You’re not going to give them your sandwich are you? Norah: No... Tomithy: I guess there’s no convincing you on this then? Norah: (shaking her head in disbelief) Tomithy: Okay, I’ll just feed them then. (pulling out a small, brown bag from his pockets; spreading crumbs for the birds) Norah: You had that all along? Tomithy: (nodding enthusiastically) Norah: Then... why did you want me to give them my sandwich? Tomithy: It was a test! Norah: A test? Tomithy: Yes, a test. You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she treats birds. Norah: Can you now... like what? Tomithy: (jokingly) Sitting down again are you? (Norah leans on the bench with one hand.) Norah: Now what can you tell? Tomithy: (pretending to think) Before I tell you, what’s your name? Norah: Norah. Tomithy: Well there you go, I know your name, all because of birds (gesturing thanks to the birds). Norah: (faint smile) I’m a lawyer; I’m supposed to be good at seeing through... simple tricks. (Norah slowly sits on the bench again.) Tomithy: Oh, you are. (conspiratorially) It’s the birds, you know, they make anyone talk.
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Norah: They do, do they? Tomithy: Yes! Just look at babies: you put them in a crib and put a bird mobile above their heads and presto! In a few years they are talking, see? Norah: (little laugh) You’re very strange. Tomithy: Like my last name. Norah: And what’s your surname? Tomithy: It’s strange. Norah: Your surname is Strange? Tomithy: No; it’s just odd. Norah: So it’s peculiar? Tomithy: (playful) It’s Maschera. Norah: (smiling) Italian? Tomithy: Maybe we were all Italian once; now it’s just a name. Norah: (looking) You don’t look Italian. Tomithy: We can’t all be perfect. (shrugging; pointing) Like her, she must be Italian, look at those legs. Norah: (looking) She’s pretty; not perfect. Tomithy: Okay, she’s Austrian then. How about him? That five ‘o clock shadow, well-set jaw... he must be Italian! Norah: (slyly) German. Tomithy: (smiling) Oooh, and look at her (gaze follows someone walking). With those breasts, she must be Italian. Norah: Sicilian. Tomithy: Ah! You’re right... (looking at Norah). Guess that means you’re the only Italian here. Norah: (turning her head away; grinning) Tomithy: You shouldn’t hide it you know. Norah: What’s that? Tomithy: Your smile; you look even more Italian with it. (Pause.) Tomithy: Do you dance? PAGE 116
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Norah: (surprised) No, not usually... Tomithy: Your name suits you well, ‘No-rah’. Norah: Excuse me? Tomithy: Do you say no to everything? Norah: (thoughtfully falling into the trap) ... No... Tomithy: I think you should be Rah-no – to Rah! against your no. Norah: ... I don’t always say no! Tomithy: (standing up; offering hand) Let’s dance then! Norah: Here!? Tomithy: (nodding) Norah: You’re crazy. I don’t even know you. Tomithy: My surname is strange; my first name is Tomithy; and I think you’re Italian – now you know me. Norah: Timothy? Tomithy: Tomithy. Norah: I’ve never heard that name before. Tomithy: I bet you’ve also never danced in a park before. Norah: But there are people everywhere! Tomithy: Birds too! Norah: I Tomithy: Come on No-rah. Norah: (almost convinced) Rah against the no? Tomithy: Rah! (wobbling his held out hand) I’ll even tell you about my name. Norah: (setting sandwich down on bench; taking Tomithy’s hand) ... There isn’t any music. Tomithy: Yes there is: people are talking; cars driving; birds singing, it’s very musical. (They begin to dance. Tomithy is fluid; Norah is hesitant and stilted.) Norah: (looking around) People are staring at us. Tomithy: They’re jealous. They all wish they could dance in a park, but they’re afraid.
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Norah: Of what? Tomithy: What others would think... ready? Norah: For what? Tomithy: (twirling Norah) Norah: (smiling) Tell me about your name. Tomithy: My mom wanted to call me Timothy, but my father refused, as there had been a Thomas in every generation of our family. For the first few years of my life, my mom called me Timothy and my dad called me Tommy. As you can imagine, I had a very confusing childhood. Norah: (laughing) What happened? Tomithy: Well, when I was three and a bit, they asked me which one I liked more. Norah: Tomithy? Tomithy: Tomithy. Norah: It’s cute. Tomithy: (smiling) (They continue dancing.) Tomithy: (gesturing) Look! A photographer! Sir! Sir! (waving him over) One please. (Tomithy dips Norah slightly; she has to catch his neck for balance; she laughs. A light on the stage flashes. Tomithy brings Norah back up and he moves to pay the man. Norah’s cellphone rings.) Norah: I know; I’m sorry. I’ll be right there! Tomithy: (walking back to the bench) Off already? Norah: I’m late for court (straightening her dress). Tomithy: Maybe court is too early for you? Norah: Justice doesn’t wait. Tomithy: No... that I suppose it doesn’t. (Norah moves closer to Tomithy. She extends her hand; he shakes it.) Tomithy: Goodbye Ms Norah Italian. Norah: Goodbye Mr Tomithy Maschera. (Norah makes a reach for her remaining sandwich, hesitates, opens the plastic container and puts the food on the ground and starts walking away. She stops and turns to look back.) Norah: I’ve never done anything like this before. PAGE 118
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Tomithy: (looking at the sandwich then her) The birds and I both thank you. Norah: Will I... (pausing) ... ever get to see what’s in your red box? Tomithy: (smiling) Maybe, one day. Norah: (turning to go) Tomithy: Yes-rah. Norah: (turning to look back) Tomithy: (pointing triumphantly) I knew you would think about it. (Norah smiles then leaves, exit R. Tomithy picks up the sandwich and tears it apart for the birds.) Tomithy: (to the birds) I was right, you know. She really is quite wonderful. [End Scene.]
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ACT I SCENE II The stage lights are dimmed to portray an afternoon in the park. Tomithy is sitting on the bench, watching, smiling, and feeding the birds. Enter Norah B. R. Her step is slow, determined; sullen. She approaches the bench. Tomithy does not see her. Norah: (fatigued) You’re still here? (Tomithy turns to face her.) Tomithy: I was hoping history would repeat itself. Norah: (sadly; angrily) I don’t dance in parks. (Tomithy stands in front of the bench and smiles.) Tomithy: But you did today. Norah: I paid the price. Tomithy: How so? Norah: You took advantage of me... (accusingly) with your words, and your charm, and, and, and your easy manner. Tomithy: Would you like a refund? Norah: No... but youTomithy: My words aren’t meant to disarm, they’re just me (taking a step forwards) Norah: (taking a step backwards) No. Tomithy: Rah! Norah: (decisively) No! Stop! Tomithy: (pausing for a moment) Maybe I just know there’s someone else beneath your defences. I saw a bit of her earlier; a very lovely woman. Do you know where she went? Norah: A defender saw me with you, dancing. He told the court about my escapade. He said: ‘How can a prosecutor laugh and dance in a park during a trial? Does she care so little for her duty?’ Tomithy: (cleverly) That’s not admissible. Norah: (laughing)... admissible... (sombre) law doesn’t care what’s admissible or not; it’s just a play; whoever has the better lines is the better character. The audience always likes the better character; all a jury is, is an audience. No, it wasn’t admissible, but I saw them look at me, their eyes judging my actions; prejudicing my case! Tomithy: They’re just eyes, everyone has two of them; most are just as stupid as the rest; eyes never know the truth. Norah: You don’t get it? PAGE 120
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Tomithy: Of course I do. (proudly) I’m an actor; we both perform. Norah: If I lose, I lose everything. Tomithy: Only your client. Norah: She’s everything. Everything! Tomithy: (extending a hand and stepping forward) I Norah: (stepping backwards) NoTomithy: (alarming) Careful! Norah: (jumps forward, looking behind her) What!? Tomithy: Didn’t you see him? Norah: (looking behind her, searching) Tomithy: The man on the bicycle, he was carrying a big bag of candyfloss! He almost hit you! Norah: (looking around) I don’t see anyone. Tomithy: (stepping forward, pointing into the audience) There he goes! Look at him! Just carrying on like that, like he almost didn’t run you down. Norah: (scowling) You’re lying! Tomithy: I told you: eyes never know the truth... I saw him. Norah: I didn’t. Tomithy: (smiling) I saved you from a sweet demise of pink and blue and white fluffy candyfloss – you can’t be mad at me after such bravery (touching her arm) Norah: (leaving the touch for only a moment; shrugging Tomithy’s touch away) You don’t take anything seriously do you? Tomithy: Never again. Norah: (shaking her head; turning to leave; walking a few paces; turning back) Why are you like this? Tomithy: (smiling) Like what? Norah: You manipulate people; you manipulated me. You made life feel comfortable when it’s not, and you made me feel happy when I shouldn’t be. You, you shouldn’t do that. Tomithy: Want to know why? Norah: Yes. Tomithy: Have dinner with me tonight and I’ll tell you.
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Norah: No, I don’t care that much. Tomithy: You should blame yourself then, you know. Norah: (defensively) Excuse me? Tomithy: I gave your sandwich to the pigeons; they ate it like ravens; they too were happy for a time – I could see their beaks smiling. Norah: (sadly) ‘Eyes never know the truth’, especially yours. Tomithy: But they were happy. Norah: .... I don’t dance in parks (walking away). Tomithy: Goodbye Ms. No-rah, it was nice to see you again. [End Scene]
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ACT I SCENE III In a convenience store: there is one isle, a freezer and a Teller at a cash register. Tomithy is already in the store; his back is to the audience. Norah enters L. She walks to the freezer and begins to look at the various meals. Tomithy turns around and approaches her after a short while. Norah: You? Tomithy: Me. Norah: What are you doing here? Tomithy: (perplexed) Well you said you didn’t want to have dinner with me, so I decided to have dinner with myself. Unfortunately they are usually quite cold (pointing at fridge). Norah: Convenient that we’re both in the same shop. Tomithy: Well, (satirically) it is a convenience store. Norah: (brief smile; suspicion) Did you follow me here? Tomithy: (confused) I was here first. You’re not very sharp for a lawyer. Norah: (annoyed) Please move. Tomithy: (taking a step backwards) Norah: (reaching for a meal) Tomithy: Thinking about it, I suppose I could have followed you, but that would’ve taken a lot of elaborate scheming, to trail you and then get in here before you. It also would have upset Newton because I’d have had to have broken linear physics. Besides, I didn’t have the time. Norah: (gets a meal; is silent) Tomithy: Not going to ask me why? Norah: (starting to walk to the Teller) Tomithy: I chased down that scoundrel that almost hit you! Norah: (faint grin; very slow walk) Tomithy: That’s right. Just after you left I dashed after him, and I caught up to him next to the fountain. He had a black beard and his arms were as thick as tree trunks. But I didn’t care, you know; I had your honour to protect! Norah: (absently walking around the store) So what did you do? Tomithy: (following) Well I walked right up to him; he was a tower of a man: as tall as a giraffe and as staunch as a rhinoNorah: With massive tree trunk arms?
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Tomithy: Yes! A monster indeed! And like I said, I walked right up to him, and you know what I saw? Norah: (fiddling with a product; mock indifference) What did you see? Tomithy: Well, when I was standing there, right in front of him you know... Norah: (smiling) Tomithy: ... I saw that he was charging triple the going price for candyfloss! Norah: A human rights travesty! Tomithy: I know! So I told him just that. Then those tree-trunk arms grabbed me and I could see the fire in his eyes. But I knew how he had wronged you, and that gave me courage! I quickly grabbed his big bag of candyfloss and bashed him over the head with it and he fell to the ground, as cold as a stone. Norah: (playfully) How heroic! What happened then? Tomithy: All the children saw how I had slain the brute and came running out, and they chanted all at once: “Tom Hood; Tim Hood! We knew that you could; We knew that you would. Hooray for Tomithy Hood!” And I threw the candyfloss to them and they cheered wildly, like the pigeons with your sandwich. Then I rode away on the Rhino’s bicycle and I never even came close to knocking anyone down! Norah: And the children, did they eat the candyfloss? Were they truly happy? Tomithy: They ate every last speck; they were the happiest children I had ever seen. Norah: (turning to Tomithy) I thought you rode away, you couldn’t have seen them. Tomithy: (smiling) See? You are a good lawyer; you see every little devil. I don’t think your client has anything to worry about. Besides, ‘eyes never know the truth’ – the children were all happy. Norah: A fantastic story. Tomithy: I think so. Do you believe it? Norah: (looking at the price of something) Does it matter? Tomithy: Of course it does; only the best stories are believed. Norah: I can believe you robbed an old man of his goods and fenced them to minors. Tomithy: Hmmm.... doesn’t sound as heroic as mine. Norah: But it would be the truth.
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Tomithy: Does the truth matter? Norah: (archly) Of course it does; only the truth can be believed. Tomithy: (thinking) How about a truth for the Italian? Norah: A truth (grinning)... possibly... perhaps. Tomithy: I saved the children from the giraffe-rhino all because of you, you know? Norah: I didn’t ask you to. Tomithy: Sometimes we do what we must. Norah: As I must bid you goodbye again. (teasingly walking away) Tomithy: (trotting after her; stopping near the freezer) I’m- (looking into the freezer; picking up a packet of frozen vegetable) Don’t you think this is funny? Norah: Frozen corn? Tomithy: (nodding) I mean we grow them from the ground, care for them, give them warmth, then we cut them down and hurt them; then we freeze them in their pain, only to be taken by someone else, somewhere else, and reheated again. Norah: That’s the world (thinking). I thought you were never serious? Tomithy: (beaming) So you do listen to what I say. (lightly tossing the vegetables back) I just thought it funny: heating, freezing, heating again – such a waste. Norah: It makes sense, for logistics. Tomithy: Does it make logical sense? Norah: You’ve never met a bureaucrat, have you? Logistics are hardly ever logical. (pleased; walking away a bit, then stopping) Tomithy: (sincerely) I am sorry you know. Norah: For what? Tomithy: Making you dance in the park. Norah: You never said so. Tomithy: It was implied. Norah: How? Tomithy: (sarcastically) By me talking to you. Norah: (disbelieving) Tomithy: Yes, you were very rude earlier, so just me talking to you again is quite an apology.
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Norah: (walking to the Teller in a huff) Tomithy: (quickly grabbing a meal from the freezer and following Norah to the checkout; standing behind her. Melodramatically) Well in that case, I’m not sorry anymore. Norah: (starts paying for her dinner) Tomithy: (looks at Norah, then the Teller) (The Teller greets Norah and Tomithy in turn. She starts packing Norah’s meal) Tomithy: Don’t you think it’s strange? All this packing. Teller: Sorry, sir? Norah: Don’t listen to him, he’s just full of words. Tomithy: (paying Norah no heed) All this packing (gestures to the store and Norah’s food). They pack the food at the factory, then pack it again in boxes, then pack it again in a warehouse; then they cover it in plastic, load it on trucks or trains or planes, then send it here... (Norah and the Teller look at Tomithy. Norah shakes her head.) Tomithy: Then you unpack it: the plastic, the boxes, but not the packaging. Then you stack it; then No-rah, over here, un-stacks one, walks to the very welcoming and kind you (looking directly at the Teller). And then you pack it again in a bag so that Norah can unpack it... twice. If you ask me, it all seems a little silly. Norah: It’s just the way the world works. (to Teller) I told you he is all words. Teller: (smiling) It is a bit silly. Tomithy: (triumphant) See? This lovely young lady agrees with me. Teller: (looking from Tomithy to Norah and back again, still grinning) Norah: (silent sulk) Tomithy: (to the Teller) She’s mad at me you know. I tried apologising but I don’t think it worked. Teller: (looking at Norah) Norah: (defensively) He’s lying! (protesting) He said just talking to me again was his apology. Teller: (mock chastisement) That is a bit rude, sir. Tomithy: Women co-opting against me – how unlike your species! (smiling) Just ask me what I did. Teller: What did you do, sir? Tomithy: I’m glad you asked. (leaning in closer to the Teller) I danced with her in the park. Teller: That doesn’t sound so bad.
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Norah: No! It’s not like that, he... arrgg! Tomithy: See? How wronged have I been? Maligned and injured all because I danced with her. Norah: ButTomithy: I think that everyone secretly wants to dance in a park; they’re just all too scared what others will think. Teller: No one has ever taken me dancing in a park. Tomithy: They should! Norah: (defeated) I think I’ve lost my ally. Tomithy: (a little bow to the Teller) Only because she sides with justice. Teller: (smiling) Tomithy: (earnestly to Norah) I am sorry you know. Norah: ... No... You’re right: we all want to dance in a park. Tomithy: Forgive me? Norah: Nothing to forgive. (contemplating) I’m glad I did. Tomithy: (handing the Teller his meal; nodding his thanks; to Norah) You know, one frozen meal is a very lonely thing – they are much better matched in pairs. Norah: (playing along) I never knew that. Tomithy: Do you think yours would like to join mine tonight? Norah: They were packed together... Tomithy: (turning to the Teller) Do you have a microwave? [End Scene.]
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ACT I SCENE IV Norah and Tomithy return to the park. It is night; Tomithy is carrying their meals in a packet. They sit on the bench. Tomithy hands Norah her dinner. He opens his; she lets hers sit untouched in her lap. Tomithy: You know, frozen dinners become cold if they’re not eaten when warm. Norah: It’s so strange. Tomithy: (nodding) It is. Norah: You don’t even know what I’m talking about. Tomithy: Nope, but I’m sure it’s strange... I believe you. Norah: (flat stare) Tomithy: (smiling) What’s strange? Norah: I only met you this afternoon and now we’re here, having dinner together. Tomithy: And look how far we have come: we’ve danced and had our first fight and made up – six months in one afternoon, that’s a true connection! Norah: (grinning) So is this the end then? The six month itch? Tomithy: That depends. Norah: On? Tomithy: Whether or not you open your dinner. Norah: I see yours is open. Tomithy: And it’s very good too; was a little cold to begin with, microwaves never get it right. But it’s still warm if you mix to all together. Norah: (slowly opens her dinner) My agency is gone it seems – was this all part of the plan? Tomithy: Plan? (playfully) I don’t think that far ahead; besides, I’m tired. I chased down a man with tree-trunk arms and fed pigeons all afternoon. Norah: (thinking) You did make me a promise, earlier. Tomithy: I did? What did I promise? Norah: (playful) To tell me why there is all of this: the fantasies, the winning lies... the - (pointing) those knowing smiles of yours... the dancing. Tomithy: (archly) I thought you didn’t care that much. Norah: I’m having dinner with you – quid pro quo Mr. Tomithy. Tomithy: Ah, but you said no first. Are you asking me to play second fiddle? PAGE 128
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Norah: Second fiddle is often the more reliable. Why do you think the saying even exists? It’s because the first fiddle is always so fickle. Tomithy: Is it better then to play that fiddle? Norah: Only when it is appreciated for what it is. Tomithy: (thinking) You’ve made a convert out of me – the second fiddle is far more charming. Norah: (smiling) Actions always speak louder than words: here I sit. Tomithy: Yet you’re a lawyer; you use words to justify actions. Norah: Maybe that... maybe that’s why we fail in bringing justice more often than not. Tomithy: Words are powerful too, you know. Norah: Yes, current silver-tongued company included... but I know – I... I, have a history with words. Tomithy: And a present. Norah: (wistful) A gift I can use to reclaim them. Tomithy: Were some lost? Norah: No... only misused. (pause in conversation as both Tomithy and Norah eat a bit of their food). Although it appears I’ve been tricked again; I asked about you and ended up speaking about myself. Tomithy: (teasingly) I did think that was very selfish of you. Norah: (punching Tomithy’s shoulder) Tomithy: That’s assault! I could have you arrested. Norah: Would you prosecute me? Tomithy: Without a doubt! Norah: You’d lose. You’re an unreliable witness; you dance with people in parks. Tomithy: Apparently I’m punched by people in parks too. Norah: You’ll live, I think. Tomithy: You know, I’m not so sure. I feel this terrible ache in my arm – I think you’ve caused irreversible trauma to my lymphatic system. And I know these things, I once met a medical man from the East and he assured me that the faintest touch from a lawyer could kill you! He told me that the moment a lawyer got in touch with him, his life was over and he died right there on the spot! Norah: (grinning) But I thought he was dead, how could you have met him? Tomithy: Again! You are a fine solicitor; nothing gets by you... it was his spirit! The Catalina Collection 2013
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Norah: Oh my, it must have been a haunting encounter. Tomithy: It was terrific. Norah: Did he say at all how you could be saved? Or are you done in? Tomithy: He said: “Only the caress of beautiful women could save him from his fate.” Norah: I’m sure the local brothel was very accommodating. Tomithy: It’s more of a guideline. I’m sure he meant just the touch of a beautiful woman could save him from his fate. Norah: (looking around) I’ll let you know if one happens by. Tomithy: You’d leave me in such torment? I can feel a fever coming upon me. I don’t have long now. Norah: Even the craftiest charlatans meet their end eventually; I’m afraid you’ll just have to suffer on until then. Tomithy: How very wicked! Norah: Interestingly, you were right. Words are powerful: they led to that punch; ergo your demise. Tomithy: It is fortunate then that I keep in good health and I may just pull through by myself. Norah: How very selfish of you. Tomithy: Selfish? Norah: To go through all that dialogue and then survive. I was expecting a Shakespearian tragedy. Tomithy: I’ve always preferred his comedies. Norah: The tragedies are more human. Tomithy: The comedies make the tragedies worthwhile. (Both Norah and Tomithy smile to themselves and eat a bit more.) Norah: So, I am sitting here. Tomithy: Should I let present action override past word then? Norah: Isn’t that the only way we can move forward? Tomithy: You know, I think that is the loveliest thing I’ve heard all my life. (pausing; thinking; considering) I have a history too. Norah: I’ve never been able to tell if they’re good or bad things. (Pause.) PAGE 13 0
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Tomithy: I was in a cold, hard place once. You know, the sort of place that takes things from you; where time just stands still. Norah: It can be difficult to escape that. Tomithy: (nodding) And I couldn’t, but I didn’t want to either. I... (sighing) I deserved to be in this place, and I convinced myself of it more and more each day. And with each day I lost something: joy one day, humour the next; creativity, imagination... will – they all left me. I felt like I was in a cell, shut off from everything good there is in the world, and all I couldn’t see beyond that. Norah: (eyes focused on Tomithy) The world has its dark side... Tomithy: So does its people. Norah: Especially its people. Tomithy: (sitting back) I don’t know how, but one day it was over; I was done; served. At first I couldn’t believe it, that somehow I could see again, you know, past the confines, these walls, that held me. And it was then, on that day, that I made a vow never to return to that place; the only way I could do that was to find happiness, fun, in each day. Like you: I had to reclaim all those things that were taken away from me, and I’ll never let them go again. (Norah puts her meal down on the ground and puts her hands underneath her, sitting on them.) Norah: I’m sorry. Tomithy: (smiling) What for? Norah: Opening up... putting aside those... shields you must have; (teasingly) It was elusive, of course, but telling me that couldn’t have been easy. I wish... I wish I could’ve been more like you. Tomithy: Oh no, that’s a terrible thing to wish for. Norah: But what you chose to do seems so... right. Tomithy: Look up. What do you see? Norah: (looking towards the sky) I see building lights, and a black sky. Tomithy: Don’t you see the stars? Norah: No; there’s too much light pollution. Can you see them? Tomithy: Are you cold? Norah: Pardon? Tomithy: (gesturing with his head to her hands) Norah: Oh... no. It’s just something I do. If I’m wearing pants I put my hands in my pockets; when I wear a skirt I sit on them at times. It’s silly really. Tomithy: May I have one? The Catalina Collection 2013
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Norah: (joking) A skirt? Tomithy: What else? I think I might be quite comely in a skirt in fact. Norah: (laughing) You’d make a very fetching sight... (Norah slowly frees one of her hands and offers it to Tomithy. He takes it and gently clasps it between both of his.) Tomithy: Look up. What do you see? Norah: (looking at Tomithy, then the sky) ... an empty sky. Tomithy: Are you sure? Norah: I can’tTomithy: (pointing into in the sky) Just there, a star; it’s the brightest of them all. Norah: Where? Tomithy: Follow my finger and it’s right there, just next to those tall apartments. Norah: I still don’tTomithy: Yes you do. Just keep watching... it will come. Norah: (head still turned to the sky) But there isn’t... (realisation, smiling) there it is! Tomithy: You see it now? Norah: Yes! It’s so bright, I don’t know how I missed it! Tomithy: (pointing elsewhere in the sky) And do you see that group of stars over there? Norah: (nodding excitedly) Is that a constellation? Tomithy: That’s the spirit of the East. Norah: It’s terrific! Tomithy: I told you. And over there, around him, do you see them? (turning his gaze to Norah; keeping it fixed on her) Norah: The women!? Yes, there they are, three of them, holding him, comforting him! Tomithy: (beaming) Norah: (looking back at Tomithy; playfully pouting) You’re not even looking. Tomithy: I know they are there. Norah: I’ve never seen them before. Tomithy: Everything you imagined them to be? PAGE 132
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Norah: (slowly) Italy in the sky... thank you. Norah pulls free her other hand and touches Tomithy’s check. The lights fade to black. [End Scene]
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ACT II SCENE I In Tomithy’s apartment. Tomithy enters L. He is still putting on his shirt as he enters. He is dressed casually. There is a sofa, with a table in front of it, with papers scattered across it; next to the sofa is a coffee table with several drawers and a lamp on top of it. To the right of the stage is a kitchen counter and a fridge. Norah: Oh where is it?! Tomithy: You know, it’s been over two weeks, and I even made a special place for it. Norah: (playfully) A place for everything! Tomithy: And everything in its place. Franklin would be so disappointed with you. Norah: He wouldn’t have had this problem, he had bifocals! (Pause.) Tomithy: (calling offstage) Found it yet? Norah: (from offstage) Nope! Tomithy: Are you sure you left it here? Norah: Yesssss... it wouldn’t have just disappeared. Tomithy: Well, you never know; toothbrushes are an awfully bristly lot. Norah: Don’t they have a union? Isn’t it illegal for them to just up and leave? What about due process? Tomithy: It’s a clause written into their contract, if you brush them the wrong way they can forgo the bureaucratic formalities. Norah: A cunning lot! Tomithy: They do have an unpleasant occupation. Norah: Speaking from experience? Tomithy: Oh no! Personally if I could be anything other than me, I’d be your toothbrush! Norah: (mocking) Aww, that’s so sweet! Tomithy: (laughing) Just use mine! Norah: You’re right, looking at this one, they do have an unpleasant occupation. Tomithy: It’s testament to the effort it puts into its job! Norah: Be out in a sec! (Tomithy begins to rummage around the kitchen, looking for ingredients to make breakfast with. Enter Norah L. She is wearing a comfortable blouse and skinny, blue jeans. As she enters PAGE 134
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she is still fastening her pants. Her bearing is cheerful.) Norah: Morning! (Tomithy begins walking to her) Tomithy: ... morning. (They kiss) Norah: Hi. Tomithy: Hi. (They kiss again and part from their embrace.) Tomithy: You still have that deposition this afternoon? Norah: Yes, but no reason I can’t be comfortable doing office work until then. Tomithy: No complaints from me: (teasing) you know, those jeans look amazing with you in them. (Norah jokingly pushes Tomithy away with a pout. Tomithy walks back to the kitchen, while Norah begins to organise files and papers scattered around. She discovers the small, red box on the table and picks it up.) Norah: You still haven’t told me what’s in here. Tomithy: I’m glad that it is still in your imagination. Norah: You’re not going to tell me? Tomithy: Not yet. Norah: (smiling) When? Tomithy: When it’s right. Norah: I could open it. Tomithy: You could. It is a very pretty small, red box. It almost demands to be opened. Norah: (putting the box down) Some things are worth waiting for. (looking at Tomithy) It’s opening night at the theatre tonight, isn’t it? Tomithy: Community production at its finest! Norah: Why haven’t you told me yet what play you’re performing, or what your part is!? Tomithy: It’s a secret! It’s a veritable compendium of roles. Besides, what fun is there to be had if you know exactly what to expect? Norah: Does that mean my breakfast is an uncertainty?
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Tomithy: See, isn’t it wonderful? The unknown promotes interest! And I know the truth but only you can guess at it – we have the very foundations of drama here, you know. Norah: There’re no eggs, are there? Tomithy: Not one! (grinning) Nothing gets past you. Tell me the big reveal: how did you know? Norah: Trade secret. We learn at lawyer school to notice the little things. Tomithy: A secret... (pondering) last night, while I was asleep, you had a great urge for French Toast. And being the Italian you are, you couldn’t help but be attracted by the pull of a fellow Romance language, and so, in a frenzy of feverish cooking, you used all the eggs, ate three platefuls of toast, and returned to bed the world none the wiser? Norah: ... nope. Tomithy: You’re right... (jesting) the jeans wouldn’t make sense then. Norah: I could have a fantastic metabolism. Tomithy: There would be evidence – dishes. Norah: I know how to conceal evidence. Tomithy: (thinking) Norah: (musingly) Little did he know. Tomithy: Oooh, Dramatic irony!... what little did he know? Norah: That I tried to make bacon carbonara for dinner. Tomithy: No wonder it was so dry! And there I thought the chef was at fault. Norah: Can’t blame the artist if the material given to use is so poor. Tomithy: (walking to Norah) Incredible then how the dish was still perfect... (Norah and Tomithy draw close and are on the verge of an embrace.) Tomithy: ... after a glass of water. (Again, Norah playfully pushes Tomithy away to the R.) Tomithy: Twice in one morning? Norah: Only because you deserve it. Tomithy: I am a terrible scallywag. Norah: Nothing so dramatic, just a rapscallion. Tomithy: I’m off to the convenient convenient store to make amends for that gluttonous midnight French tryst. Want anything?
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Norah: Only breakfast before lunch. (Tomithy walks to the edge of the stage R. Stops, and then turns around.) Tomithy: Will you be there tonight? Norah: Will the stars be out? Tomithy: Only the ones you saw last week. Norah: Won’t there be one onstage? Tomithy: If it shines bright. Norah: I could never pass up the opportunity again to see a star! Tomithy: (smiling) Be back in a moment. Norah: Careful of the candyfloss man! (Exit Tomithy R. Norah continues to collect all her documents. After a while Norah begins to look for something in particular which she cannot find.) Norah: Where is that damn addendum? (Norah searches the tables and draws. She discovers her toothbrush under a pile of papers on the coffee table. She puts it aside, smiling.) Norah: Shit, where is it!? (She searches a chest of drawers next to the sofa. She finds it.) Norah: Forgot I put you in there to keep you safe – you had me worried! (Norah notices several other papers in the drawer; she retrieves a piece of paper and an envelope. She reads the paper first.) Norah: “Eight-thirty: leaves home; one-thirty: court adjourns; two: lunch break if no trial; sixthirty: leaves office, goes to store”... What? (putting the paper down she opens the envelope) “Dear Thomas Marrian, this letter is to inform you that your monthly parole assessment has been moved to the last Thursday of this month due to unforeseen flooding at the Correctional Offices Building...” Thomas Marrian... Marrian. (Norah collapses onto the couch and lets the papers fall onto the floor. She is frozen by shock. A short time later Tomithy returns, enter R. He is carrying a carton of eggs.) Tomithy: You know, I tried to think of something funny to say about eggs all the way back from the store, but I couldn’t. (he sets the carton of eggs down on the counter) I think last night is still too fresh in my mind, but that’s no egg-cuse is it? (Norah stands. She seems slightly odd to Tomithy.) Norah: (sombre) Come here. The Catalina Collection 2013
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(Tomithy approaches and she turns around to put her back to him.) Norah: Put your arms around me. Tomithy: (putting his arms around her) You’re gorgeous. (Norah guides each of his hands to one of her breasts.) Norah: Can you feel these? Tomithy: (nodding) Norah: (begins using Tomithy’s hands to massage them) Do you like them? Tomithy: Very much. Norah: Put your hand in my pocket. (Tomithy slips his right hand into Norah’s jean’s pockets, leaving the left on her breast; firmly held there by Norah’s own hand. Norah’s right hand is over his on the outside of the pants.) Norah: What can you feel? Tomithy: You... your thigh. Norah: Push deeper. (guiding Tomithy’s hand further into the pocket, stretching the jeans) What can you feel now? Tomithy: You’re amazing. Norah: Tell me what you can feel. Tomithy: Your lips. Norah: Do you like them? Tomithy: I love them. Norah: Press into them deeper; play with them. (She moans as he pushes harder) Do you like feeling me there? (Tomithy’s head is pressed against Norah’s. He nods. They continue for a few seconds.) Norah: Do you like feeling little girl’s too? (Tomithy is caught off-guard. He stops and pulls his hands away, stepping back. Norah turns to face him, walking towards him.) Norah: You fucking son of a bitch! (slapping Tomithy’s face) I know you! I found your parole letter! Tomithy: Norah... PAGE 138
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Norah: Thomas fucking Marrian. I remember the headlines from law school! You... you were him! And you’ve been following me!? Tomithy: I Norah: Get the fuck away from me you fucking paedophile! Tomithy: It’s not(Norah slaps Tomithy again; he retreats a few steps. She hurriedly grabs her files and briefcase. She hurries for the door; her face is in tears. Tomithy tries to intercept her.) Norah: Get out of my way! (Tomithy tries to touch her shoulders to calm her. Norah takes a step backwards.) Norah: Don’t fucking touch me. Move! (Tomithy sadly steps aside. Norah races to the edge of the stage. Norah exit stage R. Tomithy collapses onto the floor. Lights fade.) [End Scene]
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ACT II SCENE II Spotlight is focused on Norah, stage L, sitting at a table, papers spread before her and a pen in her hand. The rest of the stage is in darkness. She speaks as if taking someone’s statement. Norah: Don’t worry sweetie, no one can hurt you here, I promise. But I want to make sure that she can never hurt you or anyone again. You don’t want it to happen to anyone else do you? (Norah stops for a long while, she appears as if she is horrified. She snaps out of it.) Norah: I’m sorry, I’m okay. I know this must be so difficult for you sweetie; can you tell me what happened? (writing) When you say she, do you mean your mommy? (writing) This must sound silly sweetie, but you said she smoked when she got home; what did she smoke? Cigarettes? (writing) What happened after she- oh no sweetie, don’t cry, she can’t hurt you anymore – no more cigarettes. (Brief pause.) Norah: Do you want to go on? Okay... (To an unknown person) Could I please get a can of soda? Is grape okay honey? (nodding) Are you ready? ...Your mommy, did she throw away her cigarettes? No... (writing) Was that when she pushed them against you? Can you show me where? (looking) Your shoulders; your back; your legs... thank you sweetie, you did amazing. You don’t have to say this ever again; you’re safe now... thank you. (The spotlight fades from Norah; another comes up stage R. Tomithy is standing on a small rostrum, in Renaissance clothing. The voice of the Teller is heard from offstage, she is the announcer.) Announcer: The Prospero Community Theatre is proud to present ‘Shaking The Speare’. Tomithy: Why, such is love’s transgression: Griefs of mine own lie heavy in my breast, Which thou wilt propagate to have it pressed With more of thine; this love that thou hast shown Doth add more grief to too much of mine own. Love is a smoke made with the fume of lies, Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers’ eyes, Being vexed, a sea nourished with loving tears. What is it else? a madness most discreet, A choking gall, and a preserving sweet. [End Scene.]
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ACT II SCENE III In the park; it is morning. The bench is empty. Tomithy enters B.R. He walks to the bench and sits down. He waits; he looks. His exuberance is gone. He sits; he looks; he waits. Time passes. He leaves. Exit R. Enter Norah B.L. She is dressed in formal work wear and carrying her briefcase. She walks across the back of the stage, pauses, looks at the bench, and continues walking. Exit B.R. It is now midday. Tomithy enters R. Sits again on the bench, waiting. Time passes. He places the small, red box on the bench. He rises and leaves, exit R. Enter Norah B.R., she is eating lunch. She stands away from the bench, eating. Noticing the box, she walks to the bench and picks it up. She stares at it for a long while. Norah picks it up and opens it. Inside she finds the photograph of her and Tomithy taken on the day they first met. She pockets the box, then leaves; exit R. It is afternoon. Tomithy enters R. He sits on the bench, waiting. It is early evening. Enter Norah B.R. She is wearing casual clothes; in particular, her blue jeans. She approaches the bench. Tomithy does not see her. Norah: When you said a cold, hard place, you meant prison? (Turning to face Norah.) Tomithy: Yes. Norah: Did you do it? Tomithy: Yes. Norah: Did you enjoy it? Tomithy: I don’t know. Norah: Good answer. Tomithy: Why? Norah: Cause if you said no, I know you’d be lying (Norah sits next to Tomithy.) Tomithy: (looking down, ashamed) (Silence.) Norah: Do you still want to do it? Tomithy: No. Norah: Tell me about it, everything. I want to know why. Tomithy: I don’t thinkNorah: Tell me! Tomithy: I had a history. Norah: Not good enough.
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Tomithy: (pausing) I also had a sister... I don’t know what happened to her; she left with my mother. (difficulty) My brother and I were older, not much but older, but, still young. And we loved our father; he was a tower of a man you know: worked hard, took us to movies... did all those fatherly things. He also did other things. Norah: You and your brother? Tomithy: No; my sister. It was a Tuesday night I think, someone had left the TV on and Larry was playing; I guess that doesn’t really matter though. My brother and I wanted to get some Twizzlers, we had this new video game and wanted to stay up all night playing it. We were in the kitchen and on the counter there was a glass of milk with honey in it – my sister used to drink that, she was the only one that liked it. We thought she was up too; we wanted to see if she wanted to play the game with us – we didn’t really get along but it just happened that both of us could beat her at it...(trailing off) Norah: (combative) Don’t you dare stop. Tell me. ...We found her in the lounge with our father; she had her pink pyjama pants around her ankles, and our father sat next to her, his hand was between her legs. He saw us, but... he wasn’t shocked; he called us over. We were just boys; he was our father, what could we do? I still remember her face you know; it was still and calm like what was happening was normal; there wasn’t a tear on her face, or at least I don’t remember one. He showed my brother first, he was older. He took his fingers and made him stroke her; he said: “this is what men do; you can’t be boys anymore now.” Then... then it was my turn. I didn’t look at her, but I felt- ... that was the first night. Norah: (reflective) You didn’t know it was wrong did you? Tomithy: No, not then. Norah: And your sister? She never cried? Tomithy: No. Some nights if we didn’t do anything, she would ask why we didn’t love her or play with her. Norah: Like she almost expected it... or wanted it. Tomithy: (nodding) One day my mother and her left; our... our little girl supply was cut off. Norah: What did you do? What did your father do? Tomithy: We were young, you know; I guess we just forgot – forgot and grew up. I don’t know what he did; he looked after us; never hurt us. (shrugging) He was a teacher; I suppose he found someone else, somewhere. It’s not a past I like remembering. Norah: But it’s one I know. Tomithy: (surprised; contrite) I... didn’t know. Norah: No bullshit Thomas. I saw my daily schedule in your place! You knew who I was. Why did you do that? Tomithy: I didn’t know, I promise. Norah: That doesn’t seem to be worth much. PAGE 142
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Tomithy: I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. But all I knew was that schedule; nothing else! Because... Norah: Because why!? Tomithy: I fell in love with you. Norah: (taken aback) What? Tomithy: Years ago, atNorah: (realisation) Rainbow Home. Tomithy: (nodding) I saw you there, in the audience. You were so beautiful and caring and wonderful with the kids. I saw you playing with them, and they were so happy and laughing. It just seemed right – things that should have been. The director of the home told me you were from the university’s law department; I never learnt why you were there, but still... from that moment I knew I loved you. Norah: (distantly) I worked there as a legal intern – that party was for the money I got for them for renovations... you were the performer? Tomithy: And my brother – we both did drama; we both worked for the same agency. After I got out of... after I got out, I wanted to find you to, to... Norah: To what? Tomithy: (shrugging) To explain, to... I don’t know! I wanted to meet you... Norah: (looking away for a moment) Tomithy: I contacted Rainbow Home and told them I was from the University Alumni; they told me where you were working after you had left. And I just watched, and, waited. Norah: I don’t know what to say to that. Tomithy: I don’t either. (Silence.) Norah: What happened at the home? How did it happen? Every detail. Tomithy: (regretful) It was after the show; I was going into the bathroom to change out of my costume. I saw the fluffy green feet of my brother’s costume in one of the stalls, but I heard him whispering. I knocked on the door; asked if he was okay; he unlocked the door... There was a young girl sitting on the toilet’s water-tank; her skirt was around her ankles, and her... legs were open. My brother took me to her. She had the same look on her face that my sister used to have. I was frozen; I didn’t know what to do. It was wrong, I know, but something about it felt... normal. My brother was smiling; he smelled his fingers, I will never forget that. Then he nudged me forward; he seemed so at ease, like our father. I touched her... her... ... (breaking away) Norah: Say it. Tomithy: I caNorah: Say it! The Catalina Collection 2013
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Tomithy: ... Her clit. Norah: And in her? Tomithy: No... almost... a bit – I stopped. I changed quickly; I left; said nothing. Someone must have seen or someone told; two days later they came for me. (Pause.) Norah: What do you see when you look at me? Tomithy: Norah. Norah: What else? Tomithy: A beautiful woman... mistakes I’ve made. Norah: Your sister? Tomithy: My regret. Norah: A girl? Tomithy: No. Norah: You sure? I have hair between my legs. Tomithy: It stopped a long time ago. Norah: It grows every day. Tomithy: Not your hair. Norah: I know. Tomithy: I’m sorry Norah. If I had known... Norah: You would’ve done things differently? Tomithy: I wouldn’t have done anything. Norah: Then we wouldn’t be here. Tomithy: I know. Norah: That would have been a mistake. Tomithy: (surprised) Why? Norah: Because I want to understand; I’m so tired of not knowing. I was a little girl too, once. Tomithy: Did it help? ...What I’ve said. Norah: Yes.
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Tomithy: (ashamed) Norah: He bought me a pair of jeans... almost like these, but they were loose and had pink and white flower embroideries. Tomithy: You still wear jeans? After... Norah: What happened hurt me; it didn’t break me. (Putting her hands in her pockets) As a young girl they were the most beautiful jeans I had ever seen. I wore them every day; I did everything in them. He said to me: “Norah, sweetheart, you know I bought you those jeans because I love you, don’t you?” Every word I remember; sometimes I still hear his voice. “And you know because I paid for them they are my jeans, don’t you?” I was a child... it made sense... (sighing) like you, with your father. Then he would say: “Because they are my jeans I can put my hands in them, can’t I?” So we would sit and watch TV, and he would put me on his lap and he would put his hand into my jeans. (tearfully) “You know this means I love you, don’t you sweetheart? You don’t have to tell mommy, do you? I just love you and these are my jeans.” Tomithy: mWhere was your mother? Norah: She was a night nurse; during the evenings it was just me and him. Tomithy: You know, you don’t have to tell me. Norah: I do. I’ve never told anyone; I nodded once, only a nod. I have to tell you. Tomithy: I don’t know if I’m the right person to tell this to... I’m no better than him. Norah: Maybe you’re worse; maybe you’re better – we’re saying it a lot ‘I don’t know’. Why did you look for me after prison? Surely the Home told you I worked child abuse cases. Tomithy: They did. Norah: And you still came after me. I ask you again: why? Tomithy: I... I loved you. Norah: Me? Or because you saw me with playing with children? And they were happy with pants on. Tomithy: No... I don’t know. Norah: ...“Eyes don’t see the truth.” Tomithy: Maybe I’m looking for something, but aren’t you as well, here, now? Norah: (pausing) We’re selfish aren’t we? Wanting something from each other. Tomithy: Is that why you came back to our- the bench? Norah: No. (pulling out the small, red box) Because of this. And what was inside. When you first sat there and showed me the box, there wasn’t anything in it, was there? Tomithy: Only a hope. Norah: (faint smile; it soon fades. Placing the box on the bench and putting her hand back in The Catalina Collection 2013
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her pocket) Tomithy: Please, finish telling me. Norah: It seemed almost... innocent at first. He just put his hand in them and didn’t do anything. We used to laugh at the shows and in the commercials he would ask me about my day and my friends and tell me jokes. Every once in a while he might just pat his hand, no more than that. Then he started to rub his hand against my leg inside; he would whisper: “Remember these are my jeans and I love you.” His hand would move further in each night, until he could feel my warmth through my underwear and through the pocket; then he would pat it with two fingers... (tearful) Tomithy: (empathetic) Norah: But even that wasn’t enough. He cut away the seam of the right pocket inside the jeans. His fingers would slip under the elastic of my underwear and... and he would always do it in the same way: “My jeans and I love you” a whisper, then two fingers... either side. (faraway) Fingers, together, up and down. Inside, curled... My mom came home one night, they had double booked the staff, and she saw me on his lap, his hand in my pocket. It looked so, so... innocuous; he was just a doting father. Then she found the open pocket when she was washing my jeans; she knew what was going on. She was so brave; she took me and she left that day. No fight, no note, no goodbye; we just left. We were in a hotel when the police came. One of them sat me on the bed; the other took my mom outside. I didn’t cry, but... I couldn’t speak; she repeated what my mom had told her; I nodded. I just nodded. (Silence.) Tomithy: Thank you. Norah: (wiping away tears; laughing) “Thank you”... (laughing) it sounds like such an odd thing to say. Tomithy: But it’s something... something right. Norah: I know. Tomithy: Can you forgive me? (Pause.) Norah: (teasingly) Well, I am talking to you. Tomithy: (smiling) (Pause.) Tomithy: What do we do now? Norah: I don’t know. Tomithy: Do... can we...still? Norah: (looking at Tomithy) ... Yes PAGE 146
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Tomithy: How? There’s nothing more I want, but how can we do that now? Time? Norah: No... I thought it would, but that hasn’t healed anything. (Pause.) Norah: There will always be time for pain. But we talk, to each other; it’s all we can do. (Both Norah and Tomithy are reflective, thinking; pausing.) Tomithy: That man on the bicycle with the candyfloss almost knocked us down. Norah: He almost did. You followed him... you stopped him. (Norah takes her hands out of her pockets. She picks up the small, red box and shows it to Tomithy.) Norah: I have a small, pretty, red box. (Tomithy closes his hand around hers, around the box.) Tomithy: What’s inside of it? Norah: Music. Tomithy: We can dance to it, you know. (Their hands are still locked as they lower them to the bench.) Tomithy: (pointing with his free hand) Look! There’s that greedy pigeon. He’s walking right up to us. You know, I bet he wants another sandwich. Norah: Let him come closer. [End.]
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