Is a Tutor Needed?

TUTOR? DOES MY CHILD NEED A

We parents strive to give our children the absolute best. When it comes down to how we give and receive information, why should that be any different? As much as I don’t want to admit or believe it, I can’t be in 10 different places at one time. I don’t always make gourmet meals. I forget my kids’ names sometimes and I’ve never used the Pythagorean Theorem in my adult life ever. So how on God’s green earth can I be trusted to tutor or know when my future shining star is in need of a tutor? If you struggle like I do, keep reading. You’re not alone.

Who knows first? What are our resources? If you’re not sure whether your kid is struggling, test the theory with a few of these techniques:

Make an appointment with the guidance counselor and talk to the teachers.

You’d be surprised at how many parents avoid this step and how many teachers are ready and available to talk through your children’s strengths and weaknesses. When I was young girl, parent teacher conferences took place every quarter, and the school’s faculty made an event of it. In this new age, things are a bit different, so talk to your child, reach out to the school’s administration and see what’s going on.

Reach out to the instructors via email.

In this new age of COVID-19 and technology, communication is changing. You don’t have to send a note attached to your kid’s collar these days. Because schools are going more digital, it’s much easier to gain an email address of your child’s teacher or someone else fluent in a subject your student struggles in. Use it! Hybrid learning and tutoring in this new age works for everyone. Embrace it with open arms.

Talk to your children and ask them what they love or hate.

Talking about school doesn’t have to be a hard conversation—talk about it during dinner. You can even open the floor by going first. I used to love when my mom told us about her childhood and classes. She killed it! Or use story time as a way to get your children to reveal their least and favorite subjects in a safe environment. From there, you can give suggestions and hone in on how you can help.

It’s not always easy to see trouble, but if you do that initial digging, you’ll find a flag or two. The very first red flag for me and my kiddo was his taking a little more time. Before the kids in my house can go play or hang with their friends and have fun, we get “the business” taken care of. “The business” in our house consists of homework, chores and dinner prep (simple things like table setup or bringing in the groceries). When my youngest child started coming to the table 20 minutes after everyone else did, or when he started missing fun events and took a little longer to finish his chores, I did a little investigating.

I remember my first ah-ha moment with tutoring like it was yesterday. I peeked into his room to find him stretched across the bed with wads of balled-up paper circling him. When I asked him whether everything was okay, his initial response was, “I can’t do this fast.” When he looked up, and I saw those big brown eyes filled with despair, mommy mode kicked right in. Before I knew it, we both were stretched across that same bed with a book, wads of paper and division on the menu. By the end of the night, we got it together, but the key was noticing the red flags and acting on them early. Now, he’s a pro with division and is even teaching me the new waves in math.

Now, it’s great to jump in and take care of business when you have to, but knowing when you’re out of your league and need to solicit help is crucial. Although counting and equations come easy to me, science and all the elements of the periodic table simply do not. So if my child ever struggles with molecules or atoms, I’m calling in the cavalry and every science wizard I know. Keep a sharp eye out for red flags your child might be waving. When you see them, remember to get right to work, stay engaged, be patient and always encourage your child to keep learning.

T IS FOR TUTOR

Ask questions. Be confident. Be flexible. Be honest. Be patient. Collaborate. Do the work. Lead the way. Listen. Share experiences. Stay engaged. Teach.

Jessica Samuel lives in Kansas City and is a freelance writer and photographer.

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We have all heard that motherhood can feel like a roller coaster ride— lots of highs and lows along the way. Although that statement is true, many days seem to feel mundane and repetitive. The ride can feel less like a rollercoaster and more like a slow moving monorail. Whether you feel like your life is a roller coaster or a monorail, every mom wants to be happy and a positive influence on her children. Is there a secret to being a happy mother? No one can be happy in every moment, but here are some tips to keep smiling and feel contentment during the highs, lows and mundane days of motherhood.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

When flight attendants review safety information before a flight, they remind passengers to put on their own mask before assisting others. As moms, we often put others’ needs before our own, but those preflight instructions can be applied to motherhood. Although moms can’t always put themselves first, it’s still important to make sure our basic needs are met. “I’ve made self care a priority,” says Olathe mom Bekah Bayer. “I go to bed early enough that I can wake up before the boys do. This gives me time to drink my coffee and start my day off in a peaceful way.” Get adequate rest, eat regular healthy meals, exercise regularly and take care of your mental health. Assuring these basic needs are met will help you feel healthier and happier so that you can take care of your loved ones.

SCHEDULE TIME FOR YOU

“I like to get up before the kids for quiet time alone with my coffee,” says Liz DeArmond of Olathe. “I also make sure to give myself time for running, reading or sewing, all my favorite things, at some point during

ALLOWING YOUR OWN HOBBIES AND INTERESTS TO DEVELOP AND ALLOWING YOURSELF TIME FOR THEM CAN BOOST YOUR MOOD AND HELP YOU FEEL HAPPIER OVERALL.

HABITS OF HAPPY MOMS

the day. I feel it’s important to model this for my kids.” Allowing your own hobbies and interests to develop and allowing yourself time for them can boost your mood and help you feel happier overall. “I love having time away scheduled so I have something to look forward to during the hard times,” says Kara Thomas of Shawnee. “My rotations include lunch with friends, pedicures and book clubs.” Give yourself permission to do the things you enjoy both with and without your children.

ENJOY YOUR KIDS

One secret of happy moms is they enjoy their children. “Allow yourself to relax and have fun with your kids,” says Olathe mom of three Heather Lewis. “Include your kids in the things that make you happy.” Choose an activity that brings you joy, such as gardening, cooking, reading, sports or travel, and show the kids why you find it fun. “Ask them to help you and then let them do it their way. It will build their confidence and give you a break from feeling like you have to do it all.” Try not to compare yourself or your kids to other families and enjoy your own circumstances.

LET IT GO

Try to pinpoint what is bringing your mood down. If it is a messy house, have the family pitch in and help you clean it up. Don’t expect things to be perfect and do try to appreciate that everyone is pitching in. If getting them to help is a battle, leave the house for the day and do something fun. The mess may be waiting when you get home, but your mood may be lighter and it will seem easier to tackle after you’ve had a break. Try to remember that your relationship with your kids is more important long term. You may find your mood is improved just by taking time to play, laugh and be silly with your kids.

Being happy every moment of every day is an unrealistic expectation, but you can have a general feeling of contentment with your life as a mom. If you are having feelings that seem out of control or hopeless, please seek professional help. Not all sadness can be simply brushed away, but for many of us moms, simply slowing down to appreciate how great our children are while also taking time to take care of our own mental and physical health can make all the difference in staying happy and healthy.

Sarah Lyons is an Olathe mom of six children, including 7-year-old triplets.

QUICK WAYS TO BOOST YOUR MOOD

After taking care of your family’s needs, working and doing household chores, you can feel like your gas tank is running on empty, which can, in turn, drain your energy and your mood. Here are some quick ways to boost your mood.

n Sing along. Turn up your favorite song and sing along. Dancing and singing are sure to boost your mood.

n Laugh it off. Call a friend who always makes you laugh. If your child is doing something frustrating, try to laugh it off. Turn on a funny TV show or podcast. Laughter is the best medicine.

n Take a bath. A relaxing soak in the tub is always a good mood booster and relaxes tense muscles helping you feel physically better as well.

n Take a walk. Physical exercise and a break from your house and chores makes for a great way to change your mood.

n Let it go. Do you have piles of dishes and laundry to do? Is it overwhelming? Let it go. You can’t leave it forever, but you can for now. Find something fun to do instead, just for the day. You might find after a break away you come back to it with a better attitude.

n Take a nap. There is nothing better than a nap to help you recharge your batteries. If your baby is sleeping, take the time to rest as well. If you have older kids, put in a movie and rest next to them on the couch. You will feel recharged and ready for the rest of the day.

SPEAK UP!

Teaching Kids to Use Their Voices Effectively

In our youth, many of us were taught that saying no or asserting a boundary was rude. Were you ever forced to hug the uncle that gave you the creeps so you wouldn’t seem impolite? Or asked to perform your dance recital at a moment’s notice for a room full of strangers?

I’m shuddering.

Thankfully, in these more modern times, the expectation for a child’s autonomy has blessedly shifted. Kids aren’t performing monkeys, nor are they meant to be “seen and not heard.” Children are now recognized for the human beings they are, complete with feelings, fears and boundaries. Specifically, your children’s need to assert their needs is real and important. And as with almost everything else, that assertive skill is not inherent. It’s learned.

Guess who gets to teach them this skill?

Spoiler alert: It’s you.

Kids are whole people. And as they develop cognitively and emotionally, our job as parents is to help them learn and exercise growing independence in small, digestible, age-appropriate amounts until one day— wham! They’re ready for the world.

Here are three tips to raise children who can effectively and respectfully assert themselves today and, more importantly, beyond tomorrow.

Support physical autonomy and boundaries

This is the first building block of assertiveness. Your children’s bodies belong to them. As early as possible, implement the mindset that your child has a choice with whom and when to give physical affection or allowance. This even applies to how the children interact with us as their parents. If your children are experiencing a moment when they don’t want to be touched (c’mon, we’ve all been there), they can safely say, “No thanks, not right now.” That is their boundary, and you must respect it. Why does this matter? Down the road, if someone tries to violate their physical boundaries, they are much more likely to mention it to you, a teacher or someone of authority.

By the way, it’s never too late to have this discussion. Encourage open communication about who is allowed to touch your child and who is not at every stage of growth. If your child is comfortable early on with asserting boundaries, it will be a reflex later on. So when someone tries the ol’ “Nice to meet you! I’m a hugger!” your grown children will assert themselves and confidently respond, “No thanks, I’m actually not a hugger. How about a handshake?” Allow for decisions

We can’t let our children decide every single aspect of their lives when they’re young. If we did, they’d eat Oreos for breakfast and wear shorts in the snow. But we should seek out ways to allow them decisions in their day-to-day doings. Find pathways to give your children the confidence to choose what’s right for them, within appropriate parameters.

Every kid wants a snack. A lenient “choose your snack” response is a recipe for a disaster, tears and screaming. “Would you like an apple or some graham crackers for a snack?” is a clear-cut way to offer a sense of autonomy without sacrificing nutrition or your sanity.

But wait - don’t get too comfortable. You aren’t done yet.

Although the “two option” approach is often necessary to keep the day moving, it’s also a good idea to expound a bit. Scooch over to make some room for mistakes. When your child insists that he must wear his socks in the rain puddles, let him. When wet feet and heavy socks are the result, don’t judge and say, “Told you so!” Instead, simply demonstrate how to clean up the mess (notice I did not say that you should clean up the mess) and have a conversation. Explain that although you can understand the choice he made, ultimately it didn’t work out this time. Then sit back and let it process.

Allowing a child to make a wrong decision entirely alone allows for assertiveness in its most basic form: Speak up, even if you aren’t 100 percent sure. What’s the worst that can happen? You get wet socks.

Failure and disappointment are okay. After all, when people are afraid to fail, they will fail to speak up. Teach that disappointment is inevitable and completely normal.

Firm is appropriate; mean is not

Our children are perpetually watching us. Even when they’re tuned into a TV show or ignoring us while they play with their toys. Trust and believe they are learning by example.

As children get older, their level of responsibility over their own life grows. This means eventually they’re going to have to deal with uncomfortable situations. Their flight might get canceled. Perhaps they discover they’ve been double-charged at the grocery store. Real life situations are impossible to predict, so begin demonstrating proper assertiveness now.

When possible, let your child (or teen) watch you navigate an uncomfortable situation. As an example, let’s say a restaurant loses your reservation and can’t take your party. • Educate: Explain what’s happened. You booked a reservation at a certain time and there was a mistake made on the part of the restaurant. You are now going to call the manager to request that the reservation be honored.

• Empathize: Before calling, verbalize to your child that incidents like this happen. The restaurant is busy and likely overwhelmed, but you were promised a reservation. Whomever you speak with will be treated with respect but will be expected to provide a resolution. • Execute: If you can, put the call on speaker, so your child can hear both sides of the conversation. Let your child hear you describe in a kind—but firm—tone what has occurred and what you expect to be done. • Elasticity: There’s a real chance that whatever your grievance is can’t be resolved the way you want. (Thanks, COVID!) Show your child that you are willing to be pliable and find an acceptable resolution. No matter what, you don’t lose your cool, call names or treat the employee with disrespect.

We’ve all heard that children are sponges, and it’s true. They absorb and then reflect back into the world what they’ve seen and heard. Raising children to use their voice effectively and appropriately starts on day one, minute one. Treat people how you want to be treated, lead with love and madly respect all those around you … including yourself.

Your child will mirror your footsteps, so walk a path that’s worth following.

Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for KC. She lives in Liberty with her husband, stepdaughters and son.