THE SECOND KEY FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT MANAGING CONFLICT Too many couples end up in a state of Gridlock, meaning that they have certain conflicts that they just can’t clear up. No matter what they do, they can’t make any progress in resolving these conflicts. The first step for most couples is to stop trying to solve the worst of their conflicts and learn how to handle smaller arguments. This enables you to heal the hurt and bruised feelings as you begin to replenish your Love Bank. One of the most important skills for having a successful relationship is being able to have productive conflicts. A good conflict with a positive outcome can make your relationship stronger. You will learn important skills for managing conflict such as: Repair Attempts. When you make a mistake such as insulting your partner, you can make a repair attempt, which is apologizing for your mistake. The other side is accepting an apology and moving on with the discussion. De-escalation Attempts. When things are getting too heated in an argument, it is time to cool things down with a deescalation attempt. This can be as simple as saying, “Let’s calm down. I think we’re getting too upset.” Taking Breaks. When you are stuck in an argument and it is getting too emotional, it is time to take a break. Breaks not only give the two of you a chance to calm down, but when you return to the discussion you will be able to see things from a new point of view. When people are locked in emotional conflict, they can’t see other possibilities. Compromise. There are two different types of conflict that couples have. One Dr. Gless calls Routine issues. These are the ordinary, everyday disagreements couples have such as working out schedules and deciding who will pick up the children. With Routine issues compromise is often the best way to resolve things.
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The other type of conflict is over Core issues which deal with deeper emotions and beliefs. These are the issues that cause most couples the most trouble. Resolution of a Core issue calls for a deeper, more creative solution. Core issues are handled over a longer period of time through learning to appreciate differences and what Dr. Gless calls “chipping away” at the issue. Resolving any conflict calls for an important change in point of view. Too many people are invested in winning an argument at all costs. When you start to look for a mutual solution, you begin to see “winning” as actually losing. Then you are ready to work it out together. PHYSIOLOGY AND FIGHTING There are some very important facts you need to know about human physiology and arguing. For example, as we get more upset in a conflict, our heart rate rises and when it gets near or above 100 beats per minute, we lose our ability to think clearly. This is called Flooding because we are so flooded with emotions that all we can do is defend ourselves. By using a pulse monitor or taking your pulse, you can be aware of your heart rate. Some people are quite surprised to learn how upset they become during an argument. If you have an exercise pulse rate monitor that will do fine. You can also take your own pulse by putting your fingers on the underside of your wrist and counting the beats. Feel around gently until you feel the beating and then start counting. You need a watch or clock with a second hand. You can count for 15 seconds and multiply by four or you can count for 60 seconds and skip the math. Being aware of your heart rate is helpful in learning Self Soothing, which is very valuable in managing conflict. During a break in an argument some people keep themselves upset. By keeping negative thoughts at bay you can calm down and be ready for a fresh start. This usually takes about 20 minutes. Take your pulse when you are relaxed to get a base number, usually from 60 to 75 beats per minute. Then, when you are taking a break take your pulse every five or ten minutes until it gets close to your base rate. Then you are ready to talk about the issue again.
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