12/15-12/16/12
lifestyle & arts | 17
THE NORTH SHORE WEEKEND
Love & marriage The pain and confusion when a favorite couple divorces
■ by
joanna brown
My friend Rachel is planning her wedding. We spend 40 hours a week working at desks that are no more than 30 feet apart, so I can’t help but hear stories of stressful catering contracts, failed attempts to find a flattering off-white dress in her price range, and the agony of trying to get a photographer on the phone. But I love hearing about it all, because no matter how difficult a time she’s having, there’s a spark of joy in her discussion; she is just so excited to be starting her life as Mrs. Shafer. And I look forward to the day when Mrs. Shafer returns to pulling her own weight around the office. I’m at an age where I have friends in each stage of life: dating, engaged and planning a wedding, waiting for a first baby to arrive, but also separating or divorcing. Rachel’s excitement helps to temper the agony of divorce. The agony to which I refer belongs to me and my husband. Hearing that a friend’s marriage is over is heartbreaking for so many reasons, including the fact that our couples’ nights out for dinner and a movie have come to an end.”Brown, party of four” will irrevocably change. To be sure, I checked with someone far less selfish than me. Highland Park social worker Anna Marcolin confirmed that many married couples feel like we do when their friends divorce. “I think it’s important for the married couple to acknowledge that it’s a loss,” Marcolin said. “It takes time to find couples that you click with as a couple and to form those friendships. There is a lot of energy that we put into those relationships.” Marcolin works with many clients in various stages of divorce, and they discuss how their friends treat them differently when there is no spouse to fill the fourth seat at dinner, bridge or golf. Girlfriends
don’t call as much, if at all. Men don’t meet up at the Lantern to watch a game. “It’s because we don’t know what to say or how to behave in this changing relationship,” Marcolin said. It gets even more complicated if the still-married couple has opinions about why the divorce occurred, or if they know that one of the divorcing spouses did something immoral, such as with money or an affair. The best thing for everyone, she said, is to face reality: one couple is married and the other is not, but you all need to move forward. “You have to decide what’s best for you, and each couple is different in that regard,” Marcolin said. “But you know that the relationship between the couples won’t be the same and you have to decide if you can stay friends as individuals. “It takes someone very evolved and with a lot of wisdom to stay with both individuals after a divorce.” Marcolin advocates for taking control of the situation and reaching out to the divorcees. If you valued the relationship before, their decision to divorce shouldn’t change that or take away something that you really enjoyed. “I would encourage you to pick up the phone and be honest. Reach out to each individual and say, ‘I care about you, let’s try to keep this together.’ It’s hard to do, but it can be done. “But often it’s not done. Nine and a half times out of 10 people don’t do it. They let the relationship slide away,” she said. There’s nothing better than an unexpected phone call from an old friend. ■ Love & Marriage columnist Joanna Brown can be reached at Joanna@northshoreweekend.com
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