The Sleepening

Logan Swain

Fashion was not a hobby for Edna Montpellier. It was an all-consuming obsession. Death was preferable to the endless shame that being seen in public with something other than the most stylish of outfits would be Every second of her existence that she did not spend dealing with the mundanities of life, such as eating and sleeping, was dedicated to frantic sketching, whimsical daydreaming, and pattern cutting

Edna was drawing a brand-new design when her husband, Léonce, burst into her room. He swept the door open and peered down at Edna, who was completely engrossed in her work.

"Edna dear," Léonce said, "I do believe it is time for you to prepare the supper." He said this with some difficulty, owing primarily to the fangs that protruded from his mouth. That was because Léonce was a vampire, from his neatly-combed greasy black hair to his paint-white face It wasn't naturally that color, but Léonce felt that such a skin tone was more befitting of a vampire's appearance, and so he used face paint every morning to make it look that way The posh British accent was also fake, although that was mostly because Léonce didn't know what a Romanian accent sounded like.

Edna drew in one last ruffle on the skirt she was designing and stood up. She adjusted her comically large glasses and gave her husband a cold stare.

"Can't you see I'm busy with this skirt?" she asked. "Go make your dinner yourself."

“You know that I am not able to do that,” he responded, completely emotionlessly Léonce had about as much expression as, well, a vampire

Léonce’s assertion that he couldn’t make dinner wasn’t untrue. The only stoves and ovens within their castle had been installed with Edna’s height in mind To say she was of diminutive stature would be like calling Robert Wadlow a person of above-average height

“Can’t you bend down and put something in the microwave for once?” Edna asked

“No, dear,” he replied.

“Oh, fine,” she said. “Go clean up. I’ll make hot dogs or something.”

Léonce swirled his silk cape in a circle and departed. Edna clicked her tongue in disgust. Of her many firm opinions about fashion, nothing was more sacred to her than the irrevocable law that there must be no capes. It was this principle for which her husband had no regard

Five minutes later, Léonce and Edna sat down, facing each other across their long, stone dinner table Flickering candlelight dimly illuminated the cobwebs strewn across the ceiling (They were made of cheap string and had been purchased from Spirit Halloween.) Léonce lifted his fork and knife, one in each hand, and carefully sliced his microwaved burrito in half. The tortilla was soggy from having been frozen, and, although the ends were hot enough to melt lead, the center was as cold as Léonce’s core temperature.

“How many times do I have to tell you, dear,” Edna said, “ no capes!”

“But I just got this one from Louis Vuitton!” he protested, forgetting for a moment that vampires weren't supposed to show emotions

“No capes!” Edna repeated

Neither person said a word for the rest of dinner, which was typical. After attacking her burrito into nonexistence, Edna vaulted back up the stairs to her drawing room. Léonce took a moment longer, delicately slicing each section of burrito before placing it in his mouth.

Just as the sun was beginning to set, a sudden, shrill sound shot through Edna’s window, jolting her from her concentration She shook her head and drew another line The noise started again, this time being sustained It sounded like an air horn that had swallowed too much helium Edna sprang up and marched to her window, ripping her curtains open and poking her head out into the dusk.

The strangest man Edna had ever seen was standing on the castle lawn. He was taller than Léonce, with wild red hair that looked like a rusty feather duster. He was wearing a plaid kilt colored primarily neon green, while his shirt was a white St. Andrew’s cross on a bright blue background. The source of the obnoxious noise became readily apparent: the man had lifted an enormous purple bagpipe to his mouth and was blowing into it so hard his face was as red as his hair

“Cut that out!” Edna screamed “I can’t think with you blasting that!”

The man stopped and looked up at her. “My name is Robert the Brown,” he said. His Scottish accent was so thick that she could barely understand him. “Are you Edna Montpellier?”

“What’s it to you?” she shouted.

“I’ve heard of how unhappy you are with your current husband, the terrible vampire Léonce,” he said my commitment to you!"

"Are you suggesting that I leave Léonce and run after you?" Edna asked.

"Yes," Robert said.

Edna shrugged "Not a bad offer "

She ran down the stairs (although, because of her height, it was more of a waddle) and flew out of the castle doors, stopping directly in front of Robert

She felt exuberant, giddy, and breathless, but the breathlessness was more from running than from emotion.

"I brought you some Mars bars," Robert said. He proffered three finger-length sticks, covered in crisp, golden batter.

"Are those deep-fried?" Edna asked, hesitantly plucking one out of Robert's hand.

"That's how we do it up in Scotland, lassie," Robert said "These are goodies in their natural habitat, for sure "

Edna munched on the bar while she contemplated what to do now that she had acquired a new, cape-free liberty.

"What should I do now that I've acquired a new, cape-free liberty?" Edna wondered out loud.

"What about a concert?" Robert suggested. "The sound of music is music to my ears. I'm sure you could tell from my beautiful serenade."

"Er, yes," Edna said "Let's go see Adele "

"Eh, there's a real Scottish lassie right there!"

“He wears capes, ” Edna said simply

"Never fear, Edna, for I would not ever wear a cape around you! I wouldn’t even dream of it," Robert said. "Give me a chance, and I'll prove

"She was born in London "

"That's basically the same place, you know," Robert said.

Fifteen minutes later, the brand-new couple situated themselves in the middle tier of a stadium to listen to Adele. Buying tickets at the door had certainly been expensive, but that didn't bother Edna. Léonce had deep pockets. Actually he didn't have any pockets, but he did have a joint checking account.

"It's well crowded in here, isn't it?" Robert said

"Be quiet," Edna hissed "She's started singing "

As Adele sang, Edna, who was just as emotionless as Léonce, felt like she was about to cry. The songs about heartbreak, rejection, and disappointment felt too real to her. Every day she had spent with Léonce had been filled from dawn to dusk with the horrible specter of his cape. There was nothing that filled Edna's soul with more disgust.

The concert came to a close with cheers and applause that rivaled, but did not quite exceed, the average volume of a high school rally.

Robert had been affected much more than Edna by the concert As he wiped a tear from his eye, he sniffled, "That was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen "

"Seen?" asked Edna. "This was a concert, not a runway."

"I meant heard," Robert said quickly. "The most beautiful thing I've ever heard."

"Hmpf," said Edna.

"Let's go down to the stage and meet the singer," Robert said. His voice was soft and dreamy.

"I don't think they'll let us backstage," Edna said was your girlfriend."

"You're a mighty fine lassie," Robert said apologetically.

"Are you dumping me?" Edna asked.

"Never!" Robert proclaimed "Come with me to see her "

"All right," Edna acquiesced

True to Robert's assertion, they went backstage irrespective of permission They found Adele in her dressing room, sipping on a glass of reddish liquid to cool her vocal cords.

"Adele, may I say that you are the most beautiful singer I have ever seen heard?" Robert quickly corrected.

"Thank you," Adele said. Her voice was raw from her performance.

"Are you drinking alcohol?" Edna asked

"I drink wine," Adele said

"I'm sure you get a lot of compliments," Robert said "Especially about your voice "

"Yes "

"And I know that we would be a beautiful match for each other," Robert said.

"Robert, you liar!" Edna said. "I bet you wear capes to bed, you filthy Scot."

"My name isn't Scott," Robert said with a twinge of confusion Edna stormed out of the dressing room as fast as her stubby legs would carry her

"Was that your girlfriend?" Adele asked

"They don't have to," Robert said "I'll go there anyways I just have to meet her "

"But what about me?" Edna said. "I thought I

"You and I really understand each other," Robert said, completely ignoring the previous five sentences. "You see, I'm a musician, just like you."

Robert reached under his kilt and pulled out his bagpipe, which wasn't physically possible, but Robert didn't let that stop him. He proceeded to blow into the instrument, producing a single, squeaky, piercing note that made the room vibrate

"Stop, stop!" Adele shouted, trying in vain to be heard over the terrible noise "Gosh, that's awful "

The bagpipe deflated with a sound resembling Robert after eating a large bean soup.

"You mean you don't like my playing?" Robert asked.

Adele noticed the hurt in Robert's voice and quickly said, "You have a lot of potential. Are you seeing a music teacher?"

"Yes, we go out to McDonald's every Saturday afternoon A good Scottish name for a restaurant, don'tcha think?" Robert beamed

"You what?" Adele had been completely thrown off

"You know," Robert said. "The music teacher canceled for this Saturday. Do you want to replace him?"

"No, I have a concert that night," Adele said quickly.

"What about the next night?" Robert persisted.

"I don't want to go out with you," Adele said. Robert deflated just like his bagpipe, although thankfully without the accompanying sound "It just wouldn't work," she continued, trying to soften the blow you never forget that." With this pronouncement he spun around and slumped out of Adele's dressing room.

"I wonder where Edna went," Robert said to himself when he had reached the parking lot. His tears for Adele had already dried.

She had gone to a small café by the banks of the Mississippi She was chewing on a small croissant and contemplating her existence

Robert had made her feel so happy and free But his love had been fake

"I'll never be able to eat a Mars bar again," Edna said.

She couldn't go back to Léonce, not now that she'd realized how gloomy her castle-bound existence was. She realized that she didn't have to. She didn't need Léonce, Robert, or anybody else to make her happy. She had herself, and she was good enough.

The thought was uplifting She brushed the crumbs off her hands, her head beginning to spin with ideas for new dresses and jackets Just as she was getting ready to leave, a tall, white man impeccably dressed in a crisp, black suit approached her. He straightened the sunglasses that obscured his eyes and set his neat, rectangular briefcase on the café table.

"Edna Montpellier, I presume?" he said. His voice would've been as clear as a window after Windex, but a window after Windex usually has great big streaks of cleaning solution on it that dry into weird patterns.

"What's it to you?" Edna said She slung her stylish leather handbag over her shoulder

"Edna, can you keep a secret?" the mysterious gentleman asked

"No, that's alright, I understand," Robert said dejectedly He started to cry, and blew his nose into a Scottish flag. "You're a mighty fine lassie,

"If I want to," Edna said with a frown

"What am I saying," the gentleman said with an ominous chuckle. "I'm from the FBI. We know all about you already, including how likely you are not to reveal this information."

"What do you want?" Edna asked.

"The government has recently investigated the potential for the existence of a special class of individuals with unique--"

"Give me the short version," Edna said

"Very fitting," the gentleman said

"What's that supposed to mean?" Edna demanded.

"Given your, um, stature." The gentleman coughed and readjusted his sunglasses. "The government would like you to design suits for superheroes."

It was like a sunrise in Edna's head. A brilliant future flashed before her eyes She would be free to design whatever she wanted She would be recognized and appreciated for the quality of her work She would never have to worry about Léonce, Robert, or any other man ever again

"That would be incredible," Edna said.

"Funny you should say that," the gentleman said.

"I accept your offer," Edna said, "with one condition."

"What would that be?" the gentleman asked.

"No capes."

"Agreed "

Meanwhile, Robert approached Léonce's castle, bagpipe at the ready It was the only place he could think of to look for Edna He blew one shrill note on his instrument before the castle door was swept open, not by Edna, but by her husband.

"You're not Edna," Robert said.

"Truly remarkable observation skills you have, young man," Léonce said.

"Do you know where Edna is?" Robert asked, standing on his tiptoes

"I haven't seen her since dinner," Léonce said

"She hasn't returned?"

"Returned? Are you implying that she left?"

Sudden suspicion dawned on Léonce. "You ran away with her, didn't you?" The vampire was about to violate his strict policy against displaying emotion. The very thought of it! Edna running away with this man, of all people.

Robert wasn't even aware of Léonce's nearanger. The only thing in his vision was the gleaming sparkle of his fangs as they reflected the light of the sun, just as it slipped below the treeline

"Has anybody ever told you how beautiful your teeth are?" Robert said

"Well, no," Léonce said. His confusion eclipsed his not-quite-outrage.

That's a real shame, laddie. And your cape."

"What about it?" Leonce asked.

"It's so silky, and black like… black like…" Robert trailed off, unable to complete the simile.

"Yes?" Léonce prompted eagerly

"Black like my vision goes after I've been too long at the pub," Robert said

"Truly remarkable observational skills you have," Léonce repeated breathlessly, taking a step towards the Scotsman.

"I have one question to ask you," Robert said.

"And that is?" Leonce asked.

""How do you feel about deep-fried Mars bars?"