Just By Chance

Jocelyn Biedler

The pain, the pain is too overwhelming. There is too much. I can’t do this anymore. It is just one thing after another; when I think there is a break in the storm, some new deluge comes pouring down I can’t take this anymore I’m done Every day is torture with no chance of escape I just sink further and further down I feel so much All I want is to be numb What if I; should I; can I; where will I; when will I; how will I One oNe one Two twO ThREe Now

A gentle breeze blows, carrying lovely warm spring smells. It is a warm spring day with flowers blooming, birds chirping and children playing. Cedric is enjoying the cool breeze and warm sun as he walks through the teeming neighborhood. Each house he passes has its own personality. Some have little fences in the front, others are painted bright colors; there are even some that have beautiful floral gardens.

Suddenly the atmosphere drastically changes immediately after Cedric passes one of the houses Looking for the source of this strange anxiety, his bright blue eyes are wide, frantically trying to spot anything out of place It’s surreal, for the feelings he senses are of pain, cessation and deep, deep sadness. Cedric suddenly notices, after taking what feels like hours, something red on the front steps. Without any hesitation he runs across the lawn and up the steps to the front door.

He looks at the red he had spotted from the sidewalk and leans down to take a closer look, abruptly smelling the sharp tang of iron. Grabbing the handle, the door gave way to the source of the awful emotions Cedric races past the awful sight looking left and right for the kitchen Succeeding, he frantically rummages through all the drawers and cabinets until he finds towels In a flash, he has all the towels he can possibly hold and he races back to the front room.

A young woman lies sprawled on the floor passed out with a blade still in her left hand. Pooling on the floor, blood continues to seep from both of her wrists, spreading all over the front parlor, staining the beautiful light blue rug before reaching out the front door He drops to his knees, oblivious to the blood soaking his pants, and gently checks for a pulse in the young woman's neck Relieved to find one, he tightly wraps each of her frail upper arms to create a makeshift tourniquet and then second ones to tie around her wrists. Still worried but satisfied with his work, he quickly pulls out his phone and dials 911.

“911, what is your emergency?”

“My name is Cedric Alexander, there is a young woman here with a deep slit in both of her wrists, they have bled a lot and she is unconscious ” Checking her pulse again and noticing it is fading further into weakness he spoke in a worried voice higher than intended, “Please come quickly, she has a very light pulse and is barely breathing!”

“Where are you sir?” the annoyingly calm but imperative voice asked.

Taking a second to imagine the front of the house, “3963 Reagan Way.”

“All right sir, an ambulance should be there in two minutes. Can you please tell me exactly how you found her?”

“I, I , I did my best to stop the bleeding I have a tourniquet on each of her upper arms ”

“Sir please stay away from the victim ”

Unable to do anything more, Cedric follows the request, but only after checking the woman's pulse one last time. “Ok.”

Exhausted, Cedric sits with his head in his hands in the hospital waiting room determined to know if the woman was going to be alright. Cedric begins to relive the experience for what felt like the hundredth time trying to make sure he had done the right things simply because he is unable to think of anything else His leg bounces with agitated energy the whole time True to the 911 dispatcher’s word, the ambulance had arrived quickly and taken the young woman away. One of the EMTs spoke to him, telling him to wait for the cops that were on their way. Two cops arrive and begin asking him questions soon after the ambulance leaves and take the young woman with it.

“What’s her name?

Did she say anything to you? What were you doing in the neighborhood, the house?

Have you met before? ”

Completing the questions and explaining how he knew what to do with the young woman ’ s injuries, the older of the two cops offered to take him to the hospital to see if the victim would be alright.

“Excuse me. ” Startled, Cedric looked up sharply to see a middle-aged nurse in light purple scrubs. “Are you Cedric Alexander? You are waiting to hear about the Jane Doe correct?”

Still a little bit shocked from the day's events, all Cedric can do is nod. The kind-eyed nurse smiles softly. “It seems thanks to you this young lady has the opportunity to see another day I hear that if you hadn’t found her and known how to tie a tourniquet she would have died ” Admiration and curiosity radiated from the nurse breath he had not even realized he was holding and runs his fingers through his thick blond hair. “Is she awake? Why don’t you know her? Can I talk to her?” All these questions come out in a frantic rush wanting to be uttered faster than they could even be answered.

“She is still asleep She lost a lot of blood so she will be out for a while while she recovers We are still looking through medical records in other healthcare systems to see if we can find her name Sir, you look exhausted How about you head home, and sleep and someone on staff will call you when she wakes up ”

Finally focusing on himself instead of the woman he finally noticed that his body feels heavy with exhaustion. Nodding his head, “Thank you Ma’am, I’ll keep my phone by me. Please call me when she wakes up!”

“Don’t you worry, someone on staff will call as soon as she wakes up. Right now you are the closest thing she has to a family that we know of. Now you should go get some rest ”

Agreeing with a nod, Cedric takes a step beginning his way to check out and call a cab

“Oh sir, don’t forget your clothes!” The nurse points to the blue plastic bag filled with clothes on a chair next to the one Cedric had been sitting in.

Confused for a moment, Cedric looks back at the clothes and then down to see himself in a set of baggy scrubs, then remembers at one point after getting to the hospital he was given the scrubs so that he could change out of his bloody clothes. “Right, thank you. ” Cedric picks up the bag and walks to the desk across the hall to checkout

Taking a minute to comprehend what the nurse had just said, Cedric suddenly lets out a deep

After calling a cab, making it home, taking a shower, and putting on pajamas Cedric puts on TV knowing that he won’t be able to sleep for a while. After a mindless few hours of a crazy soap opera Cedric crawls into bed and falls asleep the minute his head hits the pillow.

The sun coming in through the window shines in his face and wakes him up from the long night of tossing and turning.

Disoriented for a second, he sits up and rubs his face Yesterday is coming back to him in a haze that makes him wonder briefly if it is all a dream Climbing out of bed, his phone begins to ring and he answers as fast as he can, hoping to hear that the woman is awake and he can talk to her.

“Hello, this is Cedric Alexander.”

“Good morning Mr. Alexander, I am calling from the hospital about Miss Rowan Dolores. She is awake and well enough to talk to you if you would still like to talk to her.”

Fluster in his voice, “Rowan Dolores you mean the young woman who attempted suicide yesterday right? Her name is Rowan Dolores?”

“Yes sir that is her name Would you still like to talk with her?”

Still thinking about her name “Oh yes please, of course!” Looking at the clock on his bedside table, “I can be there in about 25 minutes.”

“All right sir, just come to wing three and the front desk there will register you as a visitor and let you know which room Dolores is in.”

“Thank you so much, I will be there as soon as I can. ” Setting his phone aside he begins to get ready as fast as he can With this goal in mind he grabs a royal blue shirt and khaki pants from the top of his stack of clothing and gets dressed, brushes his teeth while styling his hair (getting toothpaste all around his mouth in the process) Trying to make his way out the front door to the elevator so he can get to the street to call for a cab, he is holding his breakfast in one hand and hopping on one foot trying to tie his shoe.

Why am I here, why am I here? I don't want to be here! My wrists hurt they shouldn’t hurt. I shouldn’t be here.

Brushing up his hair one last time Cedric walks into the hospital ward straight to the front desk to sign in “Hello my name is Cedric Alexander, I am here to see Rowan Dolores She was admitted yesterday afternoon after attempted suicide ”

The nurse looks up at Cedric from the computer he had been staring at, looks at him a minute, nods and looks back to his computer and begins typing. “Cedric with a ‘ c’?”

“Yes.”

“Alright Mr. Alexander, if you could please sign in here,” the nurse points to a clipboard on Cedric’s left, “then you can turn left and walk straight down the hall until you see room 33B ” The nurse says all this while still typing and looking at his computer

“Thank you sir,” Cedric says, looking at the nurse for a second, wondering why such a terse individual is stationed at the front desk.

“No, no, no! Why am I here? Why am I here? I don't want to be here! Go away go away, don't touch me!” Hearing this, Cedric realizes that the screaming is coming from room 33B and runs to see what is going on. He sees that the young woman is less pale and is clean but she is flailing trying to get out of bed. A nurse has a firm hold on Rowan’s shoulders and calls for someone to help her Two more nurses run past Cedric, one steadying Rowan’s legs and the other getting a needle ready The nurse with the needle injects it into Rowan’s tube that connects to her hand then gently holds her forearms making sure that the wounds on her wrists are not reopened Rowan continues to thrash until the drugs start to kick in.

One of the nurses walks up to Cedric. “Hello there, are you lost?”

“No, sorry. ” Cedric tears his eyes from Rowan. “I am actually here to see Rowan. I saved her last night after she attempted suicide ”

“Oh ” Looking impressed, the blond tall ponytailed nurse informs him, “Well we just gave her some pain medication and it won't wear off for several hours Maybe you can come back then, if you would still like to talk to her ”

“I will definitely do that, thank you. ” back to the hospital.

“Hello.” Cedric stands at the edge of the doorframe with Rowan glaring back at him. “My name is Cedric Alexander.”

"The nurses told me that you are the guy who saved my life ”

Not knowing what to say Cedric just back and nods, his stomach doing somersaults

Rowan’s brow furrows even further and she begins to yell, “Did you ever think that I did want to be saved?! That I don’t want to be here!” Tears start streaming down her face.

Looking both ways, Cedric crosses the street and walks to the coffee shop that he had found on his phone. People walk past him as he holds the door open, then he walks in himself mindlessly, waits in line, orders a large hot cup of tea and finds a place to sit and wait for his tea to cool enough to drink The whole time all he could think about was how much less pale she was but also how scared she was Yet, also thinking about how beautiful she is with her sparkling green eyes, long red hair, and soft oval face

“Bzzz bzzz bzzz. Bzzz bzzz bzzz.” Cedric's heart flutters for a second hoping it is the hospital so he can see Rowan. “Bzzz bzzz bzzz.” He quickly answers the phone a little bit too excited, “Yes?”

“Hello this is Sutter Hospital, is this Cedric Alexander?”

“Yes.”

“I am calling to inform you that Rowan Dolores is ready to talk to you ”

“Thank you so much, I am on my way, I will be there in about eight minutes ” Cedric ends the call and puts his phone back in his pocket, already making his way to the door and walking

Cedric’s eyes begin to water and he tries to explain; his hand dances in the air the whole time. “I, I…, I didn’t know what else to do. You were bleeding all over and it leaked out the front porch and I saw it and I…, I wanted to make sure everything was alright and it wasn’t ”

“You wanna know something? Everything was JUST fine I was finally going to be done It was all going to end and you had to ruin it for me! I never ever want to see you again EVER!!”

Defeated, tears crawling down his cheeks, Cedric looks back at her for one more moment, “Okay,” and turns away, determined to save others before they ‘don’t want to be saved.’

Three years later

“The program is doing amazing! There are so many people who have already been saved. I want to thank everyone who has donated and supported our patients through their struggles I know I am a new fence to the program but already my sole aim in life is to make sure all those who want and need help are helped that they know we are here for them and that we care ”

Cedric stands at the edge of the crowd. Everyone's attention is focused on the speaker on the stage. The events of three years ago changed his life. One moment he was just an honorably discharged 34-year-old corpsman marine with no job. The next thing he knew, a young woman he had just saved form attempted suicide doesn’t thank him but instead hates him and yells at him for saving her From that moment on he knows he is going to do everything he can to make sure no one, no one would have so much sorrow that they would want to end their own life

The program that he founded started out small, just a little meeting once a week, and now it is a huge program with counselors and doctors, all in its own building. The best part being that there have been so many patients dragged in by their loved one but then after going through the program they are dragging their loved one out to go have fun and live life.

As much as he loves what has come of the program he knows he can’t lead it He has always needed to be the one to come and help those in need After getting trained and certified he is now a paramedic helping all those who are hurt No matter what he will never forget about the young woman with the beautiful red-hair, who was so full of painful sorrows she nearly succeeded in taking her own life. He wonders quietly where she is now, and sends his best thoughts into the world for her.

Turning from the crowd, Cedric decided to go for a walk through the neighborhood around the park. It is a warm spring day with flowers blooming, birds chirping and children playing. A gentle breeze blows and gives him a shiver. Cedric walks through the teeming neighborhood, enjoying the cool breeze and warm sun Each house he passed has its own personality Some have little fences in the front, others are painted bright colors; there are even some that have beautiful floral gardens