The Parsha Post

Genius Farmer Finally Forgets

Farmer Isaac Eizenkop was recently spotted dancing in his field as a stranger walked away with a bundle of wheat in his arms.

Eizenkop was celebrating the fact that he fulfilled the Mitzvah of allowing a poor person to collect bundles of produce that were forgotten behind in the field. “I have been wanting to remember to do this mitzvah my entire life, but I always forgot to forget, and I told myself ‘forget about it,’” said Eizenkop, who is known for his phenomenal memory.

“I’m so glad that I finally remembered not to remember. What an unforgettable event!”

Kosher Kutz Celebrates Grand Opening

Kosher Kokosh cake and root beer were served at the grand opening of Kosher Kutz, the only barbershop under strict rabbinical supervision.

“There is a Mitzvah for men and boys not to shave the hair on their temples and in front of their ears,” explains Rabbi Shmulik Schneider of the dRc (Desert Rabbinical Council), which certifies that all Kosher Kutz barbers have learned the laws of Kosher haircutting. “The Rambam explains that the idol-worshipping priests used to cut the hair on that part of their heads— and who would want to look like them?!” As TPP goes to press, all customers are happy with their haircuts from Kutz, besides for Mr. Rachmana Litslan who complained about some stray hair in his root beer.

Shatnez Found In Coat

A very expensive suit, purchased at Beged Big & Tall was reported to contain Shatnez, the forbidden mixture of wool and linen. Rabbi Berel Bodekstein and his team of Shatnez professionals undertook the delicate Shatnez removal operation with the help of their super-powered microscopes.

“I’m thrilled to have gotten my fancy-shmancy suit Shatnez-tested and even happier to have the Shatnez removed. It’s Gevaldik!” said Governor Gedalya Gevaldikstein, holding his nowShatnez-free garment outside of Shatnez Lab, LLC. “The label said it was all wool, but who can trust labels nowadays?”

Q. Can February March? A: No, but April May!

Q. Which food always stays hot in the fridge? A: Hot dogs!

Terrible Tattoos

After years of crafting terrible images on customers’ bodies, Terrible Tattoos has announced that it is going out of business.

“When Moshe Rabbeinu told everyone that the Torah forbids getting tattoos, we haven’t seen a single customer since,” said Mr. Karl Ka’akah, longtime owner of Terrible Tattoos. “I’m actually relieved that we’re finally closing. It’s been a terrible business.”

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Q. How did the soldier go eight days without sleep?

A: He slept at night!