GOLDEN CALF WORSHIPPED DAY OF FORGIVENESS DECLARED

It’s been 40 days since Moshe Rabbeinu ascended Mount Sinai, and he has yet to return. The concerned people have turned to Aharon KahanaRabba, elder brother of Moshe, for guidance. Gold was quickly gathered from all corners of the camp in order to build a statue-replacement for Moshe. As we go to press, there is much rejoicing and celebration coming from the camp, as the Jews are dancing around this so-called Golden Calf. “I’m confused, tsoomished, and tsootumult,” exclaimed the puzzled looking Rabbi KahanaRabba. “I tried stalling them by telling them to collect jewelry, and the next thing I knew, out popped this Golden Calf! We’re in gahakta tsoros!” TNS is presently searching for a Yiddish dictionary.

Q.

Moshe has spent most of this summer atop Mount Sinai, 120 days in total. He is expected to descend today, the 10th day of Tishrei. TNS took an informal poll, asking people whether they expect Moshe to come down with HaShem’s final forgiveness. “For sure!”

“Zicher!” “Undoubtedly!” “Meah Achuz!” “In fact,” said one super-excited teen, “I have a feeling that this day will forever be a day of forgiveness. Maybe it will be called Yom Kippurim.” “Or Yom Kippur. “Or Yom Selichah.” “Or Day of Atonement.” “Or just plain Yoma!”

Are you talented, G-d fearing and a team player? Do you like weaving, carpentry, or metal design? Skilled workers are needed NOW for the Grand Mishkan Project.

For more info, bring your résumé to the main office at the center of the camp.

Which drink did they serve in Achashveirsosh’s palace?

A: Vashtea!