5 minute read
Making amends
An MCA Voices story
By Larry Israelite
Editor’s note: Periodically throughout the year, we will publish stories written by MCA members. This recollection by Larry Israelite is the first.
Recently, I received a message on LinkedIn from someone whose name I recognized, but with whom I have not had contact for close to 60 years. The message was cryptic, but that’s often how these conversations begin. The message said, “Did you attend Tinicum Elementary School with me?” Since the answer was yes (there aren’t that many Larry Israelites in the world, so the odds were pretty high he had found the right person), we began a little online discussion. We talked about our families, where we have lived, what we had been doing for the past 60 years, etc. You know, the usual banter you have with someone with whom you had last spoken when you were 13 years old. But then there was a somewhat surprising question, “Do you have time for a brief phone conversation?”
I cannot deny that the question made me a little suspicious. Did my old friend want to sell me something? Was he going to ask me for money? I agreed to speak with him, but I did so with some trepidation. We soon had the conversation, and I was very surprised at the topic. And I can say, without hesitation, that the words that were spoken have had a profound impact on me.
After a few pleasantries, my old friend said, more or less, “I want to apologize for an antisemitic remark that I made in the sixth grade. It was something about a hamburger in the cafeteria, and I said something to you that I never should have said. I am sorry.”
As you can imagine, I was taken back a bit. After all, the comment was made many, many years ago, when we were just 12. That’s too young for anyone to develop hate for others on their own. Usually, children who make inappropriate comments are simply parroting what they hear from adults in their lives, and I expect they usually don’t even understand what they are saying. And since this was the mid 1960s, not long after the end of World War II, and we lived in a very rural area of Pennsylvania that had a very small Jewish population (my sister and I, for example, were the only Jewish children in the entire school district), I know, from firsthand experience, that antisemitic slurs were not that uncommon. And while I still remember others from the same time period, I did not remember this one.
After a few days, I emailed my friend to thank him for his apology. I said, “The incident you referenced happened so long ago, and you were just a kid. Honestly, I expect that you didn't even really know what you were saying. And I know it would have been easier to just let it pass. What you did took a great deal of courage, and it says a lot about who you are as a person. It makes me regret that we didn't get to know each other as adults.”
His response, “It did not take courage to contact you; I had wanted to apologize to you for years. Certain that I had hurt you, and feeling ashamed, and wishing I had not done so, led me to feel you were deserving of an apology,” says a lot about the man my young friend has become.
In 12-Step programs like Alcoholic or Narcotics Anonymous, making amends with those you have harmed as a result of an addiction is a critical step in recovery. In Step 8, you identify those you have harmed and in Step 9, you “take action to promote healing in your relationships as well as your own personal peace of mind.” It is my understanding that these steps are critical to the recovering addict’s success because it can help individuals, families and friends move past the pain and hurt caused by addiction and create a fresh start.
The apology I received for something that happened so long ago (and that I don't even remember) has helped me to understand the power of the process of making amends. It made me reflect on my own life and the people I might have harmed in my life by things I did. And it also reminds me that the holiest day of the Jewish year — Yom Kippur — is about more than prayers in the synagogue. The liturgy is very explicit that while you may be forgiven for sins you committed before God, you must actively seek forgiveness individually from those in your life whom you may have harmed through your words or deeds. In other words, you must make amends, much like my old friend did with me. And that is what I will now endeavor to do; perhaps it’s something we all ought to do.
