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NOVEMBER 5, 2020 | The Jewish Home OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If… Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
Dear Navidaters,
I am 22 years old, and I don’t date. It’s not that I’ve never tried, or that I’ve never been offered, because luckily I have. But this whole process has made me incredibly cynical, and here’s why.
My friends are all avid daters, as a 22-year-old it seems to be my world. Everyone goes out and comes back to discuss with me how it went. Sometimes it’s great, sometimes disastrous, but all in all, it’s entirely unsatisfying. Dates have taken almost casual interview form, where we ask people rhetorical questions with intended answers in mind. I’ve been on actual job interviews that have felt more fluid and personal.
Communication and confrontation, fundamental skills in relationships, take a backburner in the realm of dating. We ask each other out through a third party, and sometimes even dump through one. We are so precious with our dates in person and yet so harsh behind their backs. It seems like we meet people just for the sport of going home to pick apart every aspect of them. Do they go to the right school; are they from the right neighborhood? I wonder if we actually care about the answers, or are just asking on an ego trip. And not even to mention the fact that romance, spontaneity, and excitement are completely absent from the whole process. Dating has been chocked up to something so transactional, like we are trying to check things off a list and get our mothers to stop nagging us. It feels stiflingly calculated and somehow were expected to create meaningful relationships out of it. Why are we trained to expect magic from a one hour hangout with a complete stranger in a coffee shop? How are we supposed to have relevant conversation with the opposite gender when we stigmatize men and women in non-romantic conversation? There must be a better way to do this. This system really needs an update, for the people in it and the people watching in fear. How can we make dating meaningful again? How can we make sure it’s the right amount of calculated risk without it being us making up our minds about EVERYTHING before we even get to know a person? Any suggestions? Sydney
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
