Parenting Pearls

The Importance of Fair Expectations

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Iwas out for a walk when someone stopped me to ask if I was the author of the articles in The Jewish Home. I’ll be honest. I enjoy feedback from those who have read my articles. We spoke for a few minutes and she said to me, “You must be really patient.” I hear this often, and it brought up the idea that people can easily have unfair assumptions or expectations. I thought that perhaps an article on fair expectations and recognizing the individuality of yourself/others might be next.

People often have their assumptions and expectations for us. When people hear that I homeschool, they automatically assume I must be a patient and an organized individual. They also assume my kids must always be perfectly behaved and always eager to learn. This is a public forum so I will simply say that we are normal people.

Similarly, we often have assumptions and expectations for ourselves and others. We assume we should be capable of doing something or that it’s only fair to expect something of

our spouse/parent/sibling/neighbor. Having unfair expectations for ourselves can create feelings of inadequacy. Unfair expectations of others can create unhappiness within the relationship and feelings of disappointment.

Having fair expectations applies every day and at all times. Now, more than ever, it’s only fair to be realistic in our expectations. Throughout our parenting day, we’re called upon to decide if something is or isn’t fair to expect. Now it’s more important than ever, when our children are under so much pressure and change, that we adjust our expectations accordingly. Periodically, it’s important to step back and recheck our expectations for ourselves and others to ensure they’re both fair and realistic.

Why is it so important?

Your expectations need to match your child’s capabilities for two very differing reasons. On some occasions, parents don’t expect much from their child. This is dangerous because it prevents the child from becoming stronger and growing as an individual. If you don’t expect from them all they can give, then you aren’t asking them to fulfill their potential. You’re stunting them and not showing you have faith in their talents and capabilities.

If your expectations are too much, then you are setting your child up for failure. They won’t be able to meet the goals set for them and they’ll live with feelings of incompetence in the background. It’s frustrating and humiliating for a child to know something is expected of them that they can’t accomplish. Children themselves are often too immature to realize the goal wasn’t fair and will painfully turn the reasons for failure towards themselves.

Alternatively, children who are given fair expectations have goals to reach for – and accomplish. They can continue to challenge themselves and improve as they go. They know they can succeed and will push themselves to do what they can. Even if those steps are small, they can continue to walk the path of success. Creating expectations

There are many ways we create expectations. Some are created or based on what we see in others. For example, I might see my neighbor’s child is very helpful with their baby and assume my child should do the same.

Other expectations are built upon how we’d like or think things should be. We’d like our kids to not make a mess before Shabbos and therefore assume it’s fair to expect that from our kids. I might think kids should know parsha with Rashi each Shabbos so I assume it’s a reasonable assumption. None of these are how we define fair expectations in others (or ourselves).

We should never decide what is realistic to expect from one person based on the capabilities of another. We understand this in some areas but don’t extend it to others. We may realize that our child won’t have the same singing voice or artistic skills of another but we may not think to extend that understanding to other areas such as behavior, academics, or

social skills. There are two reasons why. The first reason is simply because you only see what you see and you never see the whole picture when looking at another family or person. When you see that your neighbor’s child is wonderful with the baby, you may not see that same child make a huge mess. The neighbor that is always neat and respectful in your house may not be as thoughtful in his own home.

The second reason is because we all have our strengths and weaknesses. No child can have every strength. It’s healthy to recognize your child’s strengths while also respecting where they are weak. We know that in Hebrew we used the word “middah” or “measure” to describe personal traits because we all have different “measures” of each one. It may be helpful to keep that in mind when recognizing that another child has a strength yours may not have. Your child has a different strength in greater measure.

Especially with children, it’s important to make sure that our expectations are grounded in reality and based upon where each child is now. Different children will reach different stages at different points with age being only a general guideline, not one that is set in stone. Just because we want or think a child should do something doesn’t mean they’re capable of it at that point. It’s hard to take an honest look at your child, push aside parental pride and preconceived notions, and see where that child is at this moment. Is he/ she capable of what I’m asking? If the answer is “no,” then you need to know how to step back and adjust your expectations to the present. If the honest answer is “yes,” then you need to take the time to decide how you can encourage or set that child up for success in that area.

It’s possible that whatever goal we have in mind isn’t fully within their reach but soon may be. It is possible to create mini goals or small steps that a child can take to reach that goal. Each mini step is its own expectation that can be met. If those baby steps are properly arranged, then soon enough you may find your child reaching a much bigger milestone that you never anticipated children mature and their brains develop. I will briefly mention the fact that children’s thinking capabilities change not just quantitatively but also qualitatively. This means that it’s not just that they know more as they get bigger but that their way of thinking actually matures. As an exNo matter how much you try to teach an abstract concept, they don’t understand it. It’s not because they’re not smart enough or lack background knowledge, it’s because their brain hasn’t yet developed the capabilities to think abstractly. Expecting them to think abstractly when they can’t is unfair. Similar cognitive development happens in logic, reasoning, emotional development, and many other areas. This type of development happens throughout childhood and is sadly beyond the scope of this article. I only mention it to help parents with setting realistic goals and recognizing another gauge to use when creating and changing goals for their child.

Expectations also change as life pens, such as a baby being born into the family or moving to a new town, expectations need to change. Upheaval creates stress that may mean – nor could they have produced by that an otherwise fair expectation is Expectations and you taking one large step. This applies not fair under the present circum- I’ve mostly focused on your child to everything from social interac- stances. We are currently experienc- but the same rules apply to being tions and academics to overcoming ing a variety of unusual stresses and fair to yourself and the other adults personal limitations and practical children are feeling them strongly. It in your life. You deserve to show skills. By helping and encouraging may be time to reevaluate your ex- yourself the same kindness and reyour child to reach for something pectations and perhaps lower some spect you extend to others. Creating realistic expectations for all the relationships in your life allows for more happiness and respect within each of

By helping and encouraging your those relationships. Sometimes, we might find it hard child to reach for something small to set fair and realistic expectations and within their grasp, you can for our children throughout their lives. By taking the time to think slowly extend their reach further. through and properly set realistic goals, we can assist our children in reaching, and exceeding, anything we ever thought possible for small and within their grasp, you can of the usual ones. You may need to slowly extend their reach further. create new, temporary goals to match the current times. Our children are Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in Expectations change learning resiliency and a whole host general and special education. She has

You knew that. Not only should of new skills from the pandemic, and been homeschooling for over 10 years in our goals change as improvement is many parents may find it helpful to Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at made in one area but goals change as focus on those. RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com. ample, little ones think concretely. Emotional Support for Unwanted Touching

changes. When a life change hap- MOUNT SINAI BETH ISRAEL them.